It had been a month... A month of long, torturous, nailbiting, tears falling, fearful days since the sudden death of Amy. She had died, leaving two people completely shattered in her wake. Marissa had withdrawn more and more into herself ever since that fateful night, the only time she showed any emotion was when she was consoling Jason, and Ryan was worried about her. It was like she was pretending it had'nt happened so that she wouldnt have to face it. He had tried initially to talk to her but she had withdrawn even more. It was like fighting a losing battle, the more he tried to hold it, the more it kept slipping away. Looking back he couldn't pinpoint exactly what had happened. It was a combination of everything really but slowly the gap between them had widened. Jason had left for Chicago right after the funeral saying that he needed to be at the place where him and Amy had first met and he'd thanked Ryan for making all the arrangements for the funeral, inviting Amy's parents and any close relatives to it, and making sure that everything went on okay, but Ryan hadnt really mind that. Because, it had been something to do, something to take his mind off the unbearable pain he felt everytime he looked into Marissa's listless blue eyes and realise the impossible chasm that had now come in between them. There was nothing he could do to fix it... and that hurt more than he would ever allow himself to believe. He had never felt so helpless as now...
He sighed running a hand through his hair as he gently opened the door to thier bedroom. What he found didnt surprise him, because it was something that he had been finding now for a month...
Marissa stared out of the window of thier bedroom, her hands crushing the railing underneath. The past few days had been hell for her. Everytime she thought of what had happened a pain invaded her heart and a million memories came to her mind of the time she had spent with Amy...
"hi, i'm amy. and you must be marissa...", Amy had said the first time they had a session, giving her a smile. Marissa had stared at her without really replying.
"do you want to start by telling me why you are here?", Amy had asked kindly.
"i am here because i have to be. havent you read my profile? dont you know that this is my punishment?"she had bitchily said.
"ofcourse i have read your profile. and what i have read amazes me, i mean i dont know a single person who has been through as much as you have and still be here. thats why i want to get to know you better.", she'd genuinely said and thats all it had taken for marissa to open up to her.
A single tear rolled down marissa's cheek. This was one more person she had lost that had truly believed in her. The other had been...
"who's Johnny?", Amy had asked in one of thier many informal sessions.
"johnny was my... uh... he was a friend. A friend who for some time had believed in me..."
Amy had given her one of her keenly perceptive glances.
"And Ryan?", she'd asked, looking over her spectacles at her. Marissa had shut up.
"okay, so you dont want to talk about Ryan. Lets talk about Johnny. Its written here that he died. Do you want to tell me how?"
Marissa had sighed as tears came into her eyes.
"I killed him...", she said simply, as if it was the weather she was talking about.
"But it says here that he jumped off a cliff?", Amy had asked frowning at her.
Marissa hadnt been able to stop the tears that had started falling then. "he did that because of me", she'd cried. "he did that because i couldnt love him the way he deserved to. he did that because i was too selfish to think of anyone but myself..."
Amy had instantly gathered her in her arms. "okay... okay...", she said trying to pacify her. slowly her tears had stopped. Finally when she was composed enough they had resumed thier session.
"Ryan was your B.F at the time, wasn't he?", Amy had asked. Marissa had nodded as a form of reply.
"Was he there for you when Johnny had died?"
"ummm... initially he was, but then we broke up", she'd said listlessly, not wanting to get into it. When Amy had arched her eyebrow at that, Marissa had attempted to explain.
"Ryan and me... well, its always been complicated."
Amy had given her a sympathetic glance. "so you were blaming Ryan for your break up?"
"No... It was my fault. It was all my fault. Johnny dying, Ryan breaking up, Actually everything thats happened is my goddamn fault"
The words kept replaying in her mind. 'it was my fault...' 'it was my fault... '. and somehow they merged into the present... 'it is my fault...', 'it is my goddamn fault...' Shaking away the tears that had again pooled her eyes, she realised that her T- shirt was completely wet and more tears kept falling down her face. At that time, Amy had managed to convince her that it had'nt been her fault, that sometimes things just happened but now she didnt believe that. If things just happened, why did they always happen to her? There had to be somehing about her that was wrong. She was the bad luck, that somehow sent all the people she cared about away. And sooner or later she aws going to drive Ryan away... After all that was what had happened when Johnny died, right?
"hey...", Ryan said softly coming into the room, not wanting to startle an apathetic Marissa staring straight outside the window.
She didn't turn around, didn't reply, the only way he even knew that she had heard what he had said was the slight stiffening of her body.
"common Riss, you have to eat something...", he said, " and i dont mean those chocolate bars that you keep gobbling up". When he didnt get any reply, he continued, determined to atleast make her eat a full meal this time.
" Maybe i could make something you like... an omelette or bacon or that pasta you like so much. Or if you are feeling upto it, we could even go out...", he said trying to cheer her up.
"no", she clipped.
"Marissa...", he sighed, moving towards her and rubbing her back. She flinched at his touch and he immedietely removed his hand as if he was burned. The realisation that she did not want even the simplest of touches from him, saddened him even more...
"I am sorry..", he said softly, "i am sorry for the pain you are going through, but i dont know how to fix it..."
" you cant fix it...", she screamed turning around on him and Ryan backed up a few paces from the sheer intensity. " I dont need you to hover around me all the time, I dont need you to pretend that you care and i dont need you to fix it. i just... i dont need you...", she finished, in the process shattering his heart to a million pieces...
"I ... Marissa..."
"You what, Ryan? you want to be there for me? is that what you want to say? you want to help me? is that what you mean? just like you were there for me when Johnny died? Just like you cared for me when that happened? just like you know whats best for me? you know what? I dont need one more person that i care about, to leave me. So why dont you go find another Sadie to help you through what a bitch i am? Just leave me alone... Go..."
Ryan reacted as if he had been physically slapped. Involuntarily he took a few steps back as he fearfully looked at her.A part of him wanted to scream, to shout, to tell her that it wasn't true, the other part of him wanted to accept the entire blame. She had been right. He hadn't been able to help her with Johnny and he wasn't able to help her now. He wondered why he had never been able to be give the one person he cared about what she wanted. Would he ever be enough? For a long moment he stared at her with pain in his eyes, as the fight ran out of him and his shoulders slumped in defeat before he softly turned around and walked out the door, closing the door on thier broken relationship with a soft thud...
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As soon as he left, Marissa fell down on the bed, sobbing harder than she had ever sobbed in her life. She sobbed for all the broken dreams that she'd ever had, she sobbed for the fact that her bestfriend and therapist had died, she sobbed for all the people that had left her and gone away, she sobbed for Johnny's death but most of all she sobbed for hurting the one person she loved more than life itself... He hadn't deserved it, when all he'd been trying to do for the past month was be there for her and make her feel better. So then, why had she done it? Why did she keep hurting him? Why had she pushed him away?
She was afraid.
After all the struggle that had taken for her to get to this place, she was still as lost , as broken. And she was afraid that she would drag him down with him again. She was afraid that once again he would find her lacking, that once again he would reject her. She was afraid that once again he would think of her as a burden. And she didnot want that.
Her cellphone beeped and she flipped it open to a message from Jason.
hey... there is an opening at this centre that i am working at. If you want to take it, its open. Just thought you might want to, with all thats going on... BTW, you'll have to fly in by tonight. Sorry its short notice. Love, Jason...
She stared at the message for a long time... Maybe it was for the best.
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