Chapter 11: Comprehensions

"What do you mean, what she is trying to do?" I asked incredulously.

"She is doing the same damn thing that you did when you broke up with her when you got sick. She is trying to protect you." She said, her voice full of both compassion and adamancy.

"What is she trying to protect me from?" I asked in desperation. Why did she think I needed protecting? Did I seem that fragile to her?

"Bella is hurting beyond any of our imaginations. She still blames herself personally for Olivia coming so soon and not surviving. She thinks somehow that she could have done something different and saved her. You, and I, and all of the doctors know that isn't true." Her voice dropped to a soft, pleading tone. "But, Edward, I'll tell you this, if Lizzie died, it would cause me a thousand times more pain than when our parents died, or even if God forbid, Emmett was gone. I literally couldn't go on living." I heard her getting choked up on the other end of the line. I had rarely ever heard my sister cry. She was tough, tougher than me.

There was a moment of silence for her to gather her emotions. My head was spinning, a million thoughts a minute, so I just sat waiting. "Bella doesn't know how to get better like you want her to. She doesn't know how to move one. I would imagine her motive is that she doesn't want you to see her in pain any more, so she left. She ran away, just like I did, just like you did. We try to protect those that we love by removing ourselves from the situation…in reality it hurts them more."

"So you're telling me she doesn't want to be away from me? She is not actually running from me. That she thinks she is protecting me?" I practically yelled.

"Yes, I believe so." She answered solemnly.

"Didn't she learn anything by my stupid mistake that leaving doesn't fix anything?" I was barely even holding the phone up any more, just yelling out to the empty space of the apartment, my voice reverberating off of the high glass walls. My anger, frustration and hurt were about to blow.

I caught my breath and put the phone back up to my ear with a shaky hand. "Do you think she is planning to EVER come home?" I heard the pain and utter desperation in my voice.

"I don't know Edward…maybe eventually." Rose said softly on the other line. "But I can tell you this. When I went to New York, I thought I would stay for one, maybe two semesters, then transfer to a school in Illinois. Once I was there, I got caught up in a surreal world where I could ignore my pain if I wanted to, nothing there forced me to remember it, and so I stayed."

I didn't even know what to say. I couldn't let Bella stay away out of complacency or fear. "I have to go get her! I don't even care if she is ever fixed. I just need her with me. Thank you Rose, for everything, I love you."

"I love you too Edward." She replied. It was the first time we had said that to one another since I woke up from my transplant, and before that it had been almost a decade, too long. I disconnected from my sister and immediately dialed Bella's cell number. It rang several times and then went to voicemail. I didn't want her to know I was coming in case she was so delusional in her pursuit to protect me that she ran again. So, I called Charlie's house, just to make sure she was still in town.

"Hi Charlie, this is Edward."

"Hi Edward. How's it going? I know you are probably really missing your wife, but I have to tell you, it's going to be hard to give her up with the way she has been spoiling me all week with her cooking." He laughed on the other end other line. "I sure have missed it."

"I know what you mean Charlie. She is a great cook, but I'm sorry, you can't keep her." I answered, keeping with the light tone. "Bella isn't there, is she?"

"No she's out for the afternoon. Can I pass along a message?"

"No, thanks. I will catch up with her at some point. Do you think she will be around tomorrow?" He answered that she should be, as far as he knew. I hung up with Charlie and then called the airline to see what flights were available to Seattle. Of course there wasn't a flight that night, which was actually okay. I really needed to go into work in the morning and check on my patients and speak with Andrew about covering a few things for me. When this was all over, I certainly needed to get him something to show my thanks.

I booked my flight for one o'clock on Sunday, which would put me into Forks about dinner time.

I immediately ran upstairs and packed a carry-on bag. Unsure of how long I would be there, hopefully not more than a day, but just in case I packed three days worth of clothes. I was almost done when I remembered that I had a gift for Bella. Something I had bought her a while ago, intending to give her when she got pregnant again. At this point, that didn't even matter to me, so I thought I would give it to her now. I walked across the room and opened the dresser drawer, the one with old sweatshirts that I never wear, and grabbed the small box that was hidden at the back.

The next morning I went to the hospital and also spoke with Andrew. I didn't have many patients at the moment, which was a very good thing, and he had no problem covering for a few days. I promised to work any major holidays for him in return.

I was at Chicago O'Hara Airport in plenty of time. I grabbed something to eat. I hadn't eaten much all week and now that I had a plan, an idea of what could be going on, I suddenly had an appetite.

I was grateful to Rosalie for opening my eyes to the possible truth behind Bella's actions. But at the same time, how could Bella do this? How could she make the same damn mistake that I did before - the mistake that nearly killed her. Did she think I was so much stronger than her that I would be able to cope better, move on? She obviously didn't know me at all. I knew I was far more dependent on her than she on me. She was vital to my existence, to my survival. Take away everything else in my life, work, friends, everything, as long as I had Bella, I could go on. How could she not see that?

I boarded the plane in a daze of self-reflection and absorption. Before I knew it we were landing in Seattle. I hurried to the car rental desk and got the keys to the Nissan Altima I had rented. It wasn't my Volvo, but it was the best I could do on short notice. At this point I would rent a scooter if it got me to her.

I drove the scenic highway of Route 104 traveling west. My mind traveled a million miles an hour, like I wish the car could, while my stomach grew in tighter knots. What was I was going to say to her? Was this how she felt when she came to the hospital at Rose's request? No. No, I know it wasn't the same. I had done the unthinkable then – told her I no longer loved her, no longer needed her – she had not been that cruel to me. Again, I thought of how I didn't deserve her, but still needed her desperately.

The fact that Rose believed she didn't want to be away from me, just like I didn't want to leave her when I was sick, made me optimistic it would somehow work out.

Before I knew it my rental car was silently passing the town limits into Forks as it glided along the recently rained upon road. Dusk was in full-effect, reds and oranges hovering thick on the horizon as the last vestige of the storm that must had rolled through moved on.

I slowly pulled up in front of Charlie's little house looking exactly the same as it had when we visited for a long weekend before our wedding. His police cruiser was not in the driveway, but Bella's old truck still was. From what she told me about it, I would be shocked if it even still ran. I also noticed a vehicle I didn't recognize, a motorcycle.

The lights from the first floor of the house were flowing out into the early evening, casting yellow squares on the lawn. I was about to get out the car. I still didn't know what to say to her – but didn't think sitting in the car would spur any great moments of genius, when I caught a glimpse of Bella through the kitchen window. I strained my eyes to focus better. She was moving about, her back to me as she stood at the stove. Her beautiful chestnut hair cascaded in a thick wave down her back. She turned and it swayed back and forth, gently brushing on her shoulder blades. Her head turned and in her profile I could see she wore the most beautiful smile. A shot of yearning ran through me. I hadn't seen that smile in what seemed like forever.

I shook myself from my stalker-like reverie and quickly got out the car and walked around the sidewalk. As I neared the house, my nerves were so intense I felt as though I could literally jump from my own skin. I was so excited to see her, regardless of the outcome. My vision was still trained through the small kitchen window on Bella when I noticed the shadow of another person. That must be whom she turned to when she smiled. Who was it though, the owner of the motorcycle? Not Charlie, I'm certain.

I paused for a moment about half way up the walk, stuck watching the small, surreal picture show. No sound, only images. Bella held up a wooden spoon from the pot she was stirring and the mystery person came into view as he opened his mouth to taste the contents. I tore my eyes away from Bella to focus on him. Jacob. She spoke something with a smile, he laughed. I stood in the now drizzling rain.

I choked back the bile that had suddenly risen in my throat as I put a hand on my chest, hoping to hold my heart inside as it threatened to leap out, thrumming against my finger tips. My sudden panic attack was not the result of seeing another man with Bella, though I will admit that hurt terribly. I wasn't that insecure. Really. I would never be against a woman in my life having male friends. What caused the immense pain shooting through me to the core was the final and total realization of my failures.

I had been trying for over six months to see even an inkling of that smile, one of pure, simple joy, on my wife's features, but had been unsuccessful. Oh, don't get me wrong, she smiled, she laughed, but there was always a hint of sadness behind it. Without even hearing her, only the visions before me, I recognized without a doubt that this Bella, the one I saw through the limited, square frame, was the happy, innocent Bella I had met over two years ago. No sadness hidden in her expressive brown eyes, no stress to furrow her delicate brow as she appeared to carry on a light, happy conversation with Jacob. Had being with me taken that away? Was I the reason she couldn't find the peace she so desperately searched for after our loss?

It was like watching the television and having the President come on to tell you that we are about to be attacked with a nuclear bomb. The feeling of total destruction overtook me, not of my body, but of my soul. I had once wondered if it were possible for two souls to be so entwined and entrenched in one another that one could not exist with out the other. After meeting Bella, I firmly believed that. Now, I wasn't so sure.

I had no idea how long I had been standing in the middle of Charlie's sidewalk, but the night had fallen fully to envelope me in a thick darkness. I had finally regulated my breathing enough to think straight. I needed to leave. I needed to leave her here.

I began turning back to the car when I heard the creak of the front door. "Edward?" Her sweet, melodic voice called out.

I froze - my back to her.

"Edward, is that you?" She called again, this time more assertively. I heard in the background a male voice call for Bella asking about the sauce they were cooking. I fought back the tears. I didn't want to give her up. I didn't even know if I could go on, but I couldn't survive knowing I was the reason she wasn't truly happy. I was right back to lying in that hospital bed, body failing, the surgeon's voice telling me I either needed a transplant or I would die, and all I could think was, even if it hurt like hell, Bella was better off not being with me.

Her short, quick footsteps came up behind me while I was caught between the past and the present. A warm hand fell on my forearm.

"Edward, why won't you look at me?" She asked in quiet desperation. I felt the tears well up in eyes and burn. I blinked them away quickly. How could I tell her that I now realized that she is happier without me?

I slowly turned around and allowed my eyes to lower reluctantly to meet hers. She wore the sweetest look of concern, brows knitted together. Both longing and anguish passed through me in waves. "Edward, what are you doing here? I had no idea you were coming?" She asked.

What could I say to her? I came here to bring her home, but now I can't, I won't, she is too happy here.

I looked over Bella's head to see Jacob standing in the doorway of Charlie's house. He appeared to be trying to see who the man in Charlie's yard was, and was ready to pounce if all was not well. After a few moments, he walked up the sidewalk and seeing that it was me, greeted me.

"Hi Edward. Good to see you." He said jovially as he extended a hand to me. I tore my eyes away from the spot over Bella's head, the one I had been so dearly concentrating on to help reign in my emotions, let a swift breath out, and shifted my eyes to Jacob.

"Hello Jacob." I responded, extending my hand as well. Bella looked back and froth between us with concern.

After a moment of tense silence, "I'm going to get going." Jacob said. Bella opened her mouth to respond, but I cut her off.

"No need. I was just leaving." In the periphery of my vision I saw her eyes go wide as Jacob scowled in confusion.

As they both stood there gawking at me, I gently took her hands in mine, rubbed my thumbs over the backs of her knuckles, and stared into the depths of her doe-like eyes. Did her soul still belong to me? Even if it did, I could not allow her to stay with me out of pity, or self-sacrifice. Yes…we were back here again. And although I had made the mistake back then, it was only out of miscommunication, thinking she didn't love me any longer. I would still do the same thing if it meant saving her.

I leaned over and pressed my lips to her luscious, sweet ones, taking in the velvety softness of them, burning it to my memory. My hand came up to cup her cheek. The world melted away in that moment. Every beautiful memory that I had of her passed before my eyes in quick succession. I didn't deepen the kiss or ask more of her.

As I pulled away, I put my forehead to hers. "I love you Isabella. Forever." I stood there for another minute, lost in her innocent beauty that had been so wrongly tainted.

I turned and walked away.

I must have gotten back in the rental car, driven to the airport, and boarded the plane, but I truly don't remember any of it. I only faintly recall walking into our apartment, once again empty and alone, now in so many more ways than physically. It was over.

I pulled myself up the stairs, head throbbing, and saw through the large picture windows that dawn was breaking on the horizon. I felt like I had a slick layer of airport slime on me, the results of being in a confining metal tube with three-hundred other people for eight hours, but I couldn't care enough to shower. I shed my clothes and crawled into bed, silently hoping that I would never wake up.

My sleep was fraught with a harsh combination of dreams and nightmares. I was back in that meadow with Bella, but now she was on the periphery of the forest, inching her way into the blackness. I called to her. She turned her head to look at me over her shoulder, gave me a sad smile and quickly turned away. She didn't run from me this time, but simply was engulfed by the shadows. I tried to chase her, but my feet wouldn't move. I bent down and grabbed at my thigh, trying to lift it manually with my hands, but it just stayed glued to the earth as I watched Bella drift away. I called to her until my voice was hoarse, but she never came back. I heard an abrasive sound, and looked overhead to see giant vultures circling above me.

Then I was in Charlie's yard, once again staring through the kitchen window. I saw Bella cooking. But she suddenly turns around and walks over to the window, placing a hand on the glass. She was peering out, seeming to look for something. Her facial expression became frantic as she searched. Is she looking for me? "Bella," I called out with my hands cupped around my mouth. "I'm right here." But she doesn't see me. Once again, my feet were glued in place, unable to move even an inch. I waved my hands frantically over my head as I saw her grow more and more upset. Finally, a figure came up behind her, Jacob, placed his hands on her shoulders and gently guided her away from the window as I was left screaming for her in the front yard.

I tossed and turned in the bed, my legs all wrapped up in the sheets, but I was too tired and weak to free myself. Then I fell back into a deep, more peaceful sleep. The next images running behind my eyelids were for once welcome ones. They were flickers of pictures – Bella and I making love. But I wasn't in my body; I was separated, looking down on us.

As I watched in awe of the beauty of our two bodies moving together, I felt warmth all around me and an incredible sense of peace. I inhaled Bella's delicious scent and sank deeper into the envelopment of sleep as the warmth continued to spread throughout my skin. There was a pressure on my back, not an unwelcome one, a soft, gentle one. I couldn't comprehend what all of the sudden was making me feel so at peace and happy. I didn't care. I drank it up.

When I awoke, there was an unwarranted grin on my lips as I stretched my arms over my head. I lay there, eyes closed just absorbing how good my body felt having slept so well. As my brain came to as well, it recognized a sound next to me, a rhythmic whisper. When I was finally was able to crack an eye open, what I saw, completely shocked me.

Bella's form, in my college t-shirt, was lying next to me sound asleep. Her angelic face mere inches from mine. Had all of it been a horrible nightmare?

A/N: Thank you to everyone for sticking with me on this emotional roller coaster. I have LOVED to read all of your reviews and that you were as affected reading it as I was writing it. I wanted to warn you that it will most likely be about a week until I post again, but I PROMISE I am not losing interest or dropping this story in any way. We are just getting to an explanation of what the heck has been going on ;)