Serene sat panting in the chair in front of Severus's desk. She was knackered, and Severus was starting to look worn himself. Twice tonight, she had nearly cracked his defenses, but ultimately, he was a better Occlumens than she was a Legilomens. After a few moments, she caught her breath. She stood to face Severus, gave him a few seconds to prepare himself, and then raised her wand once more.
"Legilomens!"
She stared hard into his eyes, seeing nothing. Then, gradually, she sensed his defenses starting to crumble. She slowed her breathing, trying to focus, and he slowed his one to match. Then, suddenly, she broke through, and his defenses fell away.
She saw Voldemort, enthroned in a great armchair. A young Severus, perhaps in his early twenties, stood before him. His expression was one of perfect calm.
"There is something you wish to ask of me, Severus?" Voldemort's voice was sibilant, like a serpent's hiss. It matched his snakelike appearance,
"Yes, my lord," Severus said, barely audible.
"Then make your request. You've served me well; I may be disposed to grant you a small favor."
"My Lord, you have determined that Lily Evans' son is the subject of the prophecy I told you of, have you not?"
Not Lily Potter, Serene noted. Lily Evans. Her maiden name.
"Yes, Severus. Her child must die, so that he will not grow up to become a threat to me."
"And what about Lily, my Lord? Must she die as well?"
Voldemort seemed surprised. "You wish me to spare her, Severus? But why?" then, seeming to read Severus's thoughts, said, "You desire the woman."
'Yes, my Lord." He said it without emotion, eyes cold.
"A mudblood, Severus? I'm surprised at you. Surely you could do better. A woman of wizarding blood could come to appreciate a wizard of your considerable talents, given the proper persuasion."
"There is no other woman that I desire, my Lord. I want Lily Evans. Kill the child, and her husband if you must, but I beg you, spare Lily."
"You're begging for her, Severus?" Voldemort laughed harshly. "I had not thought that I would find such weakness in you." Severus made no reply. His face was a mask. Voldemort's tone softened. "Still, you did bring me the prophecy, and for that I owe you thanks." He sat back in his chair and considered for a moment. "Perhaps I could appeal to her sense of self-preservation. "
"I think it unlikely that she would stand aside, and allow you to kill her son, my Lord," Severus said simply, his voice and expression betraying no trace of emotion. "Could you not simply stun her, and then kill the child?"
Voldemort's mouth contorted into a cruel smile. "I'm afraid that is the best I can manage, Severus. The choice of whether Lily Potter lives or dies will be hers own to make. If she chooses to live, I will bring her to you. If not, then you must forget her, and in time you will."
Severus seemed to want to continue the argument, but realized that it would be futile to do so. He simply said, "You will do what you feel you must, my Lord." Then he bowed and left the Dark Lord's presence.
Serene lowered her wand and stepped backward, shaking. She was surprised that she had apparently seen nearly the entire conversation in which Severus had begged Voldemort for Lily Potter's life. Previously, when she had penetrated his defenses, she had seen the memories piecemeal, in a speeded-up montage.
Severus leaned on his desk, and eased himself into his chair, looking tired and sad.
"So, that was the end, for you and Voldemort," she said.
"No. It was the beginning," he told her. "Shortly after that, I met with Dumbledore and begged him to protect her. He agreed in return for my services as spy."
Serene chewed the tip of her wand. Severus took it away from her and set it down on his desk. She picked up a quill and chewed that instead. She found the scene she had just witnessed profoundly disturbing. "It was weird. It seemed like you weren't feeling any emotion."
"It comes with the practice of occlumency," he told her. "I became quite skilled at divorcing myself from my own feelings."
"You didn't care about her husband and baby." She said quietly. "You would have been happy to let them die."
"Especially her husband. I had, shall we say, a history with him." He looked her full in the face. "From that moment on, I was, as you once put it, on the side of sweetness and light, but I was not a good man. When I was begging the Dark Lord for Lily's life, I actually hoped that, with James and Harry out of the way, she would come to love me."
Serene was shocked. "You hoped Voldemort would give her to you as a present?"
"Yes."
"That is just… sick."
He took the quill from her. "As I said, I was not a good man. My view of the world then was severely warped. I didn't realize how warped until Dumbledore told me that part of the Dark Lord's soul had become attached to Harry, and in order for him to be defeated the boy had to die. I wouldn't admit it at the time, not even to myself, but at that moment, I realized that I had come to care for Harry, and not just for his mother's sake. It was torture, spending the next year knowing that I was going to have to send him to his death, and wondering how I was going to do it. It was a relief at the end, to be able to give up my memories to him and leave him to make the decision on his own, then escape into death."
Serene sat back in her chair and absorbed all of this. "That's the second time you've used that phrase," she noted. Suddenly, she came to a realization.
"You let me see that memory," she half accused him. "You wanted me to."
Severus nodded. "Consider it a confession of sorts."
"I don't know if I should feel flattered or cheated," she said. She had thought she had won a victory of sorts, breaking into his mind. Now she knew he had surrendered voluntarily.
"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't plan this in advance," he told her. "When I realized you had found your way to that memory, I felt that I should give it to you." He looked at the clock. "That's enough for tonight. It's late, and we both have classes to teach in the morning. May I walk you to your room?"
Serene nodded. They walked through the corridors, not speaking. Eventually, the silence became uncomfortable, and Serene decided to break it.
"So, are you still planning to poison one of the fourth years?" she asked him.
"Two of them, actually, one in each class," he said, smiling. "It would be a serious break with tradition if I didn't. The students are expecting me to do it. I wouldn't want to disappoint them."
"Isn't that kind of dangerous?" Serene was concerned. "I mean, what if their antidotes didn't work?"
"There's really nothing to worry about," he reassured her. "I would never give a poison to a student unless I was reasonably certain that their antidote would be effective, and in the unlikely event that it wasn't, I always use poisons that can be neutralized by the simple expedient of shoving a bezoar down their throat."
"So, you've never actually killed a student, then," Serene was somewhat relieved.
"Good heavens, no," said Severus. "Dumbledore would have sacked me if I had." Serene managed to laugh at this. "In fact," he continued, "I've never even needed to feed anyone the bezaor."
"You can tell if a potion is going to be effective without testing it?" she asked.
"Nearly always," he told her. "Normally, I test them before I give the students their marks, but with years of experience, I can tell by the color, the consistency, the smell, if a potion has been brewed properly."
They reached her door. They exchanged "good nights" and she gave him his kiss on the cheek. She had opened the door and was about to slip through it into her room, when Severus spoke again.
"Serene," he began slowly, "Would you… would you like to have dinner with me sometime?"
Serene was taken aback. After what he had just admitted to in his office, he was now asking her out. "Severus," she said hesitantly, "We have dinner together every night."
"Oh, yes, you and me, and Hagrid, and Minerva, and the rest of the staff, and about three hundred students. It's all very cozy, but I thought we might go someplace where we could be alone together. Say, a booth at the Three Broomsticks? This Friday evening?"
She considered his offer briefly, and then said, "I'd love to. "
"Right, then," he said. "I'll meet you in the entrance hall at seven."
"I'll be there," she said, smiling, then, "See you at breakfast."
She slipped into her room, closing the door behind her. She found Ramon on the windowsill and opened the window to let him out. Then she poured herself a glass of wine and settled into her chair.
She wondered why he had chosen to let her see that particular memory from beginning to end. She was sure Severus knew exactly what he was doing when he had revealed that memory to her. She just wasn't sure of his motivations. He had made no excuses for his actions; he had simply shown them to her for what they were and allowed her to make her own judgments for good or ill. Then, ten minutes later, he had asked her out on a date. The phrase "informed consent" drifted into her mind. Was that what he was offering her? A chance to accept him not only for what he now was, but also for what he had been, or to reject him if she found the horror of his past to be more than she could live with?
At last, it occurred to her that there were things in Severus's past life that still caused him guilt or shame and that he felt secure enough with her to regard her as confessor. Then again, perhaps his reasons for revealing that particular memory were so complex that she would never truly understand them. One thing was certain, though. Severus would conceal nothing from her. She could trust him. She finished her wine, and was feeling its effects. She went into her bedroom, undressed and went to bed.
