Edward didn't come back till late next morning.
When he returned, the madness was gone from his eyes. He simply looked like a zombie again. A dead man walking.
He'd allowed Esme to hug him and murmur her love and concern briefly, and let Carlisle say a few words. But then he disappeared up into his new bedroom I had organized for him – and locked the door. The gesture was useless, of course, but the intent was clear.
None of us disturbed him after that.
That day was spent mostly in silence. Carlisle read, job-hunted, and helped Esme get the kitchen into working order. Emmett and Rosalie sat flicking through channels on the television – though all of us knew they weren't really seeing any of the figures on the screen.
Jasper and I drifted around the house, joining Esme and Carlisle occasionally to read or watch TV on the sofa with our other siblings, or curl together on our bed and read. Jasper was lost in his own misery, talking very little. I missed that, missed our usually effortless conversation. Missed it so much. But Jasper wanted to be quiet, to think, to not talk…and if that was what he wanted, it was what I wanted too. I would wait for him to be ready.
He never let go of my hand once, all day long.
So I sat by his side, kissed his unresponsive lips, or sometimes just sat, watching him. And…well…I sort of watched Bella, too.
Edward didn't come out of his bedroom till late evening – and even then it was only to pass through. He was going hunting. Again.
He wouldn't answer anyone except Carlisle's question on where he was going, and when Jasper tried to approach him, he dashed out the door before he'd taken two steps.
That night was much the same as last night. So I let myself slip into my once-best-friend's future, and again, whilst curled in Jasper's arms, watched Bella.
She was acting much the same as Edward. The doctors of Forks Hospital were buzzing with diagnoses and medicines, and Charlie was desperate – but none of them could do a thing to help her. She was as dead as my poor brother.
The week continued in much the same way. Edward came out from his room on alternate occasions; allowed Esme to hug him, and then set off into the forest, saying he needed to 'think'. Jasper talked a little to me every day – but his tone was often so miserable I could sometimes hardly bare to listen to it. He was lost in his world of regret, and I couldn't draw him out of it.
So I watched Bella.
Towards the end of the week, Charlie made the decision to send her back to Phoenix with her mother – and Bella woke with a vengeance. She screamed and shouted and threw her un-packed clothes everywhere, and then finally started crying. My heart pounded endlessly for her as she sobbed for hours on end. But there was nothing I could do.
She cried for what felt like an eternity of misery to me. When she finally stopped, I had a tiny, miniscule shred of hope that that might be it – maybe she would now have a little light in her eyes again, a little life in her again – but her eyes just glazed over again, and she sank back into her zombie-like state, becoming as empty as ever before.
Edward was missing from her life, and she was missing from Edward's. Both had lost their souls, their life, along with the loss of each other. And there was nothing I could do to help either of them.
I knew that it was a very bad idea, really, to watch her future like I was doing so often. Before we'd left for Ithaca, Edward had talked to us all and made us promise that no matter what happened, even if Bella came looking for us in Ithaca, we would never, ever go anywhere near her again. All of us had promised fervently – me included. But…defining 'going near Bella' was different when it came to me and my visions, wasn't it? And would watching Bella's future count as 'going near her'?
Deep down, I knew the answer to that one. This was not something good to keep up – but I was careful with my thoughts, and Edward was home so rarely anyway. Emmett told us all he'd tracked Edward's scent out of his bedroom window and out into the forest – it seemed the time Edward spent in his room was really even more time wandering the trees, alone.
That evening, just hours after Bella had lost her control, I had another vision.
Edward, sitting down on a log, deep in the trees. His face blank and dead – but there was some emotion, trapped inside him, trapped behind the façade; building, growing, and his arms were shaking and his breathing fast and suddenly the feeling seemed to overpower him completely and he screamed out loud, long and piecing and full of agony. It was a scream of the most terrible loss. And a scream that was exactly, undeniably identical to Bella's.
Then one day, about three weeks later, when nothing whatsoever had changed, Emmett spoke up whilst Rosalie was hunting.
"Carlisle, I've got something to ask you."
Carlisle looked up from his book. Esme, who'd been reading a magazine about renovating Victorian buildings, looked up; as did Jasper from his philosophy volume I knew he was only half-concentrating on. I glanced over from where I was sitting beside Jasper, fashion magazine in hand.
"What is it, Emmett?" Carlisle asked.
Emmett looked more serious than I'd seen him in years. "Rosalie and I….Rose…she needs a break. Well – ok, guess we all do – but I hate seeing her like this and all she wants now is to get away. I want to ask if we could take…kind of a second honeymoon, to Europe. I know it's what she wants, and I think it would be good for us. If it's cool with you."
They wanted to leave? Now? Of all the things I'd been expecting, this definitely wasn't one of them. Poor Emmett; he'd obviously spent hours thinking up this pronouncement. It was the slowest speech I'd ever heard him make.
Carlisle sighed softly, passing a hand over his face, his eyes closing.
"How long for, Emmett?"
"Well….Rose wanted sort of enough time for things to settle down a bit…maybe, two months?"
I felt Jasper slump beside me in miserable resignation. Two months…that was a very, very long time. But something told me it wouldn't be long enough at all for things to 'settle down'. Now I came to think of it, I couldn't imagine a time period long enough for that…
"An extended honeymoon. A holiday."
"Yeah. But only if it's cool with you, Carlisle."
Carlisle sighed again, but in acceptance. "Then you and Rosalie take your honeymoon to Europe. We'll call you if...when…things settle down."
Emmett smiled; a small, sad smile of relief. "Thanks, Carlisle. Rose'll be so pleased."
"When do you want to set off?"
"Is…tonight too soon?"
"Tonight is fine."
Esme was looking close to tears again. She got up and almost fell across the room towards her adopted son.
"Oh Emmett…"
"It's ok, Mom," Emmett said, standing up to hug her gently. "It's a holiday, just till things get going again, you know? Rose wants a break."
"I know," Esme murmured against Emmett's shoulder. "Just a break. But now...oh Em…I'll miss you two so much…"
"Alice, can we go?" Jasper said suddenly in as strained voice, as though unable to stop himself. "Please."
Of course – I couldn't believe I'd forgotten. The emotions would be torturing him. I nodded at once. Jasper pulled me from the stairs, down them, and across the living room to the front door.
"We'll be back later," he called over his shoulder to our family, shutting the door firmly and then beginning to run towards the forest.
When we'd reached deep into the trees, slowed, and eventually stopped, moving to sit on our familiar fallen log. Jazz sank down onto it and leant heavily against the trunk, closing his eyes. I slipped my arms round his shoulders and leant against him, trying to convey all my compassion and love through to him as forcefully as I could. There was no need for me to sit – I was so ridiculously short we really weren't that far apart in height as he sat on the large log. One of his hands moving up to stroke my hair, the other rubbing the small of my back.
"It must be awful," I murmured. "For you to feel all of this, all of our emotions…I can't imagine…"
"I deserve it," he muttered. Then his tone turned suddenly harsh. "No, I deserve much more than this – but it'll do for now."
I tightened my arms round him, nestling my face on top of his beautiful hair.
"Stop it," I mumbled.
"Stop what?" he said bitterly. "Telling the truth? Stating the obvious?"
"You know what, Jazz."
He shook his head, insistent…but I didn't contradict him further. Something told me this argument was one that wouldn't be resolved for a long time – and arguing with Jasper wasn't going to help anything. How long it would last, I had no idea.
A long time. A long time.
Emmett and Rosalie left that evening. Edward was out, as usual, which I thought was probably for the best. Rosalie was ashamed – we could all see it. She couldn't keep up her prickly exterior any longer – so it was a subdued couple that left in Emmett's jeep at half-past seven.
Jasper and I stayed downstairs on the sofa, that night. I curled up on his lap and as Jasper wasn't in a talking mood, we read. I was perfectly content to read whatever he wanted to – which turned out to be more philosophy – and even if I wasn't, I simply watched Bella yet again.
Worry for my friend was gathering in a tight, coiling, colossal knot inside me – almost as tight as the knot that was for Edward. She was no longer the happy, laughing, stubborn old Bella who I'd seen and loved so many times in visions before. She wasn't the shy human girl who had been preparing to protest constantly about my graduation party plans for next year, or who'd sat and chatted with me at lunch every day at school, or who'd been going to have so many proper, real sleepovers with me. All the things we'd been going to do together…
I hadn't even had a chance to take hershopping.
A few days later though, when we were perched out on our bedroom balcony railings together, Jasper spoke up.
"Who are you watching all this time, Alice?" he murmured softly against my ear, so the rest of the family wouldn't hear. I bit my lip. I didn't want to lie to him.
"It's nothing, really…"
"Tell me, please. You're so far away all the time, and so worried…I can feel it."
I shifted uncomfortably.
"Bella," I said, in a small voice. "I'm watching Bella."
"Alice –" he said disapprovingly.
"I can't help it, Jazz. I can't abandon her future…"
"Edward will be furious if he finds out," Jasper murmured, worry rising in his voice. "Alice, love, please, just let her go -"
"I can't."
"Please, darlin'-"
"No," I said stubbornly.
"He'll find out," he murmured. "He'll find out and he'll be angry, Alice…"
I fidgeted. "He can't tell me what I can and can't see…"
Jasper pushed his book away and cupped my face in his hands, turning me round to look at him.
"Please, Alice. You know how I get – I don't want him angry at you. Just…let her go. Please?"
I sighed. He made it sound so simple.
"I can't stop the important ones, Jazz. Any big changes and I'm going to see it, I know I will. It's like…like I've got a list of channels inside my head, and when an interesting programme comes on it just starts and I can't press the stop button. And Bella's one of my favourite channels. Anyway…do you really think he's going to shout at me with the state he's in now? I won't let him find out. I'm good at keeping my thoughts in check."
Jasper frowned, biting his lip; not satisfied.
I leant forward and kissed him gently, tenderly, lips moulding against his as always; twining my arms around his neck.
"Stop…distracting…not going to work…" he mumbled against my lips, but there was a hint of a smile in his tone.
"Stop worrying, then. Please, Jazz. It's ok."
His arms came around me, drawing me against him.
"I should be the one worrying about you," I mumbled against the fabric of his shirt.
"Don't," he murmured in my ear. He sighed deeply, and his sweet breath tickled my ear. "What we all should be worrying about is Edward."
Another week passed.
Carlisle went out one morning and drove down to Cornell University to apply for a job in the medical department. So far, none of our nosy neighbours knew exactly how many Cullens lived in the new house – only Esme and Carlisle had answered the knocks at the door, and always somehow found an excuse not to let them in the house. Even I didn't feel in an entertaining mood.
I never told Jasper…but if truth be told, there was something I was in the mood for.
Something I'd really wanted to do since April, all those months back – I just hadn't had time to think about it much. But I didn't want to go to Cornell and gain another degree in fashion design or art or history with Jasper.
I wanted to track down my own history – find out about the life I had no memory of, find my family, find my asylum – find it all! All I knew about myself was…well, next to nothing. Only what James had said on that video. Which hadn't been much. I'd had so many millions of questions it would have taken hours to name them all.
But Jasper needed me at the moment. He never left my side, never went anywhere without me, never unclasped his hand from mine…
Jasper needed me, now. I would have time for my research later.
Towards the middle of October, Carlisle got a job at Cornell.
"It's nothing that big - Department of Microbiology and Immunology – but it's something, and it seems a great place to work; very open, friendly, professional. You'd like it," he added, nodding in my and Jasper's direction.
"I don't really feel like going to Cornell just yet, Carlisle," Jasper replied quietly. "But…did Rosalie ever find that website?"
"She saved the link on my laptop," he replied, nodding. "Take a look at it. They do all sorts there."
"And you tell us if you'd like to apply for anything, anytime you want," Esme said fervently, touching Jasper's shoulder from her spot on the sofa next to him, me on his other side. "Ok, Jasper?"
Jasper gave her a small, grateful half-smile in reply.
"Thanks, Mum," he murmured. Esme smiled widely. We all knew she loved it when we called her 'mum'.
"Alice?" Carlisle said, turning in his armchair away from his desk to face me. "What about you? Would you like to study something at Cornell too, with Jasper?"
I bit my lip. Jasper was looking hopeful – though he was trying not to show it, he would badly want me with him at the university. But I didn't want to study at Cornell – I wanted to study here…on me.
"Actually…" I began slowly. "I…I'd prefer to do some…um…personal research."
Jasper's face fell for a moment – then concern flooded it. He shifted closer to me, slipping an arm around my shoulders. Carlisle was nodding seriously.
"You want to find out more about your own history?"
"Yes," I said quietly. "As much as I can."
I glanced at Jasper's trying-to-hide-it disappointed face, and guilt flooded me. Maybe I would go to college after all, just so he'd still have me by his side. I could just study the same thing as him…I'd talk to him later, I decided.
"You tell us then, Jasper, if you change your mind," Carlisle said. "And I'll be starting at Cornell next week."
"Alice?"
I jumped violently.
"What…what?" I mumbled in confusion, jerking out of my vision. "Huh?"
I glanced round the room for whoever had called my name – and then my eyes met Edward's.
Oh.
I'd been watching Bella do her homework. And Edward had seen.
He paced slowly towards me, his expression indescribable. It wasn't anger – because his empty face was too dead to show such a strong emotion – but the emotion was all inside of him again; trapped, silent, unable to come out. He stopped in front of me, bearing down on the armchair Jasper and I sat curled up together on. Jasper drew me impossibly closer to him.
"Edward –"
"I'm not going to say anything to you but this, Alice," Edward said quietly, his voice cracked and awful to listen to, interrupting Jasper. I waited, shame pooling in my stomach. Up close like his, I started to wonder whether I'd ever truly grasped just how much pain he was in. His grave-like eyes stared down into mine as he spoke.
"Stay away from her, Alice. Don't go looking for her future either. We've done enough damage. Any more you hang on to her won't help anything. Leave her alone. And leave her future, too. Promise me."
I stared shamefully at my hands clasped in my lap, unable to look at him. I didn't need to think twice about my answer.
"I promise, Edward."
Edward left again that evening – and this time, he didn't come back. I found a note on the dining room table.
My family,
I'm sorry. I don't know how long I will be gone for. Please, all of you don't worry about me. Alice, you swore to me. You made a promise. Please, keep it.
E.
