Chapter 11
Luke's apartment felt much colder than she remembered it, or perhaps it was just the iciness of its owner's demeanour that chilled the air. He had not turned on the light, but the room was illuminated by the moon, giving it a ghostly, shadowy edge. Mara sat down shakily on Luke's lounge, the same one where she had kissed him. It seemed less inviting now.
Mara gathered her shattered wits; she couldn't help but be a little disconcerted by Luke's outburst, although she knew it was deserved. For a moment Mara wished she had the opportunity to take a nip of spice – that would settle her enough, make her impenetrable to hurt. Even all the alcohol she had drunk at Leia's party hadn't been enough to make her intoxicated, let alone numb.
The spice had calmed her down enough to speak to Lando, to at least salvage their business relationship, if nothing else. She wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone, she had told him, and yet, she had to wonder whether that was the truth. Why had she accepted Leia's invitation after all, if not to see Luke? Mara had known that in all likelihood this would happen, that he would find her a way to get her alone, to talk it out. Although she had not expected so extreme a reaction from him, the way he had spoken to her in the speeder. She had expected his anger, but the undercurrent of hurtthat had punctuated his words…that was something she could not ignore.
She had hurt him, wounded him deeply through her own selfish weakness. And yet, she still felt the urge, to simply kiss Luke and forget about his feelings, to allow him to fulfill her in a way she now knew only he could. But she clamped down on that emotion, steeling herself for the explanation she knew would have to very, very convincing.
"Well?" Luke prompted her. He was leaning rigidly against the wall, arms crossed over his chest. He certainly didn't look receptive to any kind of explanation, and Mara felt herself become somewhat annoyed. He had been a willing participant, after all, and she'd never promised she would stay – he had assumed. Trying to make the decision for her like always.
"Well?" she repeated back to him, her ire up. "I said I was sorry, and I am – what else can I say?" She could have – should have – left it there but she couldn't help but go further. "I didn't owe you anything, Skywalker. We had a good time, but if that's all I wanted it to be, then that's my choice. I'm not responsible for your dented pride."
"Pride?" Luke asked incredulously. "You think this is about pride?" Mara shrugged in response and Luke gave a funny sort of bitter laugh. "You slept with me – knowing how I felt about you and how I would interpret it – and then you left without a word. You have to admit, at the very least that's bad manners."
His tone was light, but Mara could sense that he was trying not to let his pain show. She'd hurt him again, this time willingly, and Mara felt her anger due completely to be replaced with a vague sense of shame, and regret. She couldn't fall back on sharp words to keep him at a distance anymore. It was too late for that.
Slowly, Mara's hand went to her hip, where Luke's old lightsaber – her lightsaber - rested. Carefully she unclipped it, and held it up to show him. Mara then, just as carefully, set it down on a nearby table, her gaze never leaving his.
He nodded, his face easing in recognition of what she was trying to achieve. He too, unclipped his lightsaber and cast it aside. Mara breathed a sigh of relief as they faced each other as a man and a woman.
"Okay - Luke," she spoke quietly, very aware of using his given name. "There really is no excuse for what I did to you. After we were…together…I was so confused. After everything that had happened, I just…" Mara closed her eyes, composing herself. She could not allow him to see her falter.
"I used you," she re-opened her eyes, determined to be honest about that at least. "I wanted to forget…forget how much I was hurting, about what I was going to have to do, how much I was going to miss – him."
Luke's gaze softened somewhat, although he did not move from his place at the wall. "And you were there; wanting to help me like you always are and I…took advantage of that. I am sorry. Truly." She opened herself up slightly through the Force, allowing her regret to reach him, letting him know that her words were truthful and her apology real.
Mara could see that affect him, could feel his anger lessen through the Force. Her barriers were still tight, but this was as far as she had ever allowed him, and she saw him relish that. Luke took a deep breath, before moving to sit next to her on the lounge. Carefully, he took her hand, obviously pleased when she did not pull away.
"I should never have allowed anything to happen between us," he whispered. "I knew you were grieving - "
"Why do you always make everything your fault?" she interrupted him, although her tone did not contain the bite it usually would have. "I'm to blame here, Luke. You were right - I knew how you felt about me and I didn't care. I just…" Mara swallowed heavily. "I've never treated you the way a friend should. The way you deserve."
Luke did not move his hand from hers, if anything, he held it tighter. "I was more than willing to let you."
"But your motivations were pure, Luke," she reminded him.
He chucked humourlessly. "What, to act out of lust with no consideration of how you might be grieving? And then to all but attack you about it before giving you a chance to explain your actions?" He shook his head incredulously. "Those are not the actions of a friend, either."
Feeling nervous again, Mara risked shifting closer to him on the lounge, until their knees touched and she felt a jolt of electricity at the contact. "Was that…all it was? Lust?" she asked.
Luke's eyes darkened at the question, and Mara immediately retreated. She attempted to pull her hand away from his but he held her firm. There was silence between them for several minutes, and Mara felt her heart pounding, each beat quickening as she awaited his answer. What did she want him to say? She wasn't sure if she could handle him saying he loved her, but she could no longer deny that she wanted him. Badly. Whether it was just a physical drawcard for the beginnings of something deeper, Mara couldn't quite tell. After all, she had never actually felt romantic affection for a man before, and didn't know how to identify it.
"Mara," the fingers of Luke's free hand came to cup her cheek, turning her face gently towards his as she spoke softly. "I can't deny that in the past few months my feelings for you have…changed. I…think about you, and not in the way a friend should." A small blush crept into his cheeks at those words, and the beginnings of a smile. "I think by now it's no secret that I am deeply attracted to you," he cleared his throat, and his hand dropped, taking her free hand as clasping them together.
"But more than that," he continued, his voice steadying. "You challenge me, make me feel so insignificant and yet so influential at the same time, you infuriate me beyond belief, but I go out of my way just to see you, to be with you." His eyes began to glow softly, and Mara wondered if she had ever truly seen him before. He seemed so alive, so passionate, the way he had been when he had made love to her.
"You and I," Luke moved closer, his hand moving to brush the hair out of her eyes, to stroke her cheek softly. "I believe the foundation is there..."
And then he was too close, so near to her that she could smell him, feel the heat radiate off his skin, his words resonating in her heart. Memories flooded her, and she remembered how good it had been…how wonderful it could be again. When he pressed his lips to hers, she could only reciprocate, her hands moving to wind around his shoulders, stroking the short hairs on the back of his neck. She was lost in his kiss, she was light-headed, her heart and body singing…
"No!" Mara pulled away abruptly, clambering on unsteady legs away from him. That was how it had started last time. True, he had initiated the kiss, had made it clear what he wanted from her but Mara's conscience had finally won out.
"Mara?" Luke looked at her quizzically, his face flushed and his hair adorably rumpled from her questing fingers. And his lips – oh his soft, full lips, crying out for her own. But Mara kept her distance, unwilling to lose her control. She had not been able to help herself with the spice, but this, this she could avoid.
"You have to understand, Luke," she said softly. "That I may not be able to give you what you want." Luke rose, advancing on her, but Mara kept her distance. "I can't…be in a relationship with you. I don't know how."
But Luke moved towards her again, this time trapping her about the waist. His hands were gentle, but firm, keeping her in place. "And my track record in this area is less than stellar," he smiled. "We can teach each other," he added softly. His gaze was so earnest, and he touched his lips to hers, gently this time.
"But…" Mara felt her resolve slipping as her hands wound around his neck of their own accord. "I can't promise you anything."
Luke's arms tightened around her waist, and he drew her close against him, his forehead pressed against her own. "Can you promise you'll still be here in the morning?"
"I…" Mara found it hard to concentrate, with his beautiful eyes and heated gaze focused determinedly upon her. Could she give him that, admit that it was more than just the physical between them? Stay to discover where the relationship might lead?
"Yes," she whispered, as Luke rewarded her with a huge grin.
He nuzzled her nose with his own playfully, before leaning in for another kiss. "Well," he countered, "that's a start."
When Luke awoke to an empty bed, his first instinct was to panic, to curse his own trusting and forgiving nature. But he was soon touched softly by Mara's Force presence, and he realised she had not gone far, or had any intention of fleeing. He forced his eyes open and noticed Mara was sitting outside on his personal balcony, watching the stars. Smiling, Luke got out of the bed and retrieved his pants from where they had been flung hastily away earlier in the evening. It was still dark – a quick glance at the wall chrono revealed it was somewhere in the vicinity of 3 a.m.
Luke slowly made his way to where Mara was sitting, his hands coming to rest on her shoulders. She was wearing his shirt, he noticed.
Mara smiled and leaned back into him easily as his fingers began to massage and rub her neck. "Did you think I'd gone?" she asked.
"For a moment."
"I thought about it," she said simply, closing her eyes.
Luke sighed in relief – they had crossed their first hurdle. Mara was being honest with him, and that was all he needed.
"So how am I doing so far?" her eyes reopened and twinkled at him mischievously.
"For less than six hours into the relationship?" Luke smiled. "I'd say we're both doing pretty well." His fingers abandoned her neck and he knelt down beside of her and captured her around the waist, elated that although Mara flinched slightly at the contact, she didn't pull away.
"So what now?"
Luke shrugged, already preoccupied by the creamy skin at the juncture of her neck and shoulder. "What everyone else does, I suppose." He placed a long kiss to the spot, and Mara arched her neck, allowing him greater access.
"And what's that?" she asked.
"I don't know," he answered, his lips trailing lightly over her skin. "I take you out to dinner?"
"And after that?" Mara's voice was getting breathy and Luke continued his exploration of her neck and collarbone.
"I'm not sure," he haltered his ministrations for the moment. "We've already skipped several steps," he teased, his hands moving under the shirt purposefully. "I'm sure we'll find out."
"Luke," Mara's tone changed slightly, making Luke stop completely, lifting his head to look at her. She had a curious expression on her face, of passion and desire mixed with confusion and hesitation.
"I…" she hesitated slightly, but Luke rubbed her leg encouragingly. "I've never…been with a man more than once, before," she licked her lips nervously. "You and I…it's not a decision I've made lightly. I want you to know that," she stared intently at him.
Luke's heart ached at her expression, as he fully understood the weight of what he and Mara had just experienced. He wondered briefly about her previous sexual experiences, but discarded the thought immediately. Was mattered was that she, by her own admission, had given something to him that she had shared with no other.
That thought strengthened his resolve, heartening him beyond belief. With this encouragement, Luke drew Mara close and kissed her, hard this time, and was immediately lost.
Clawing, demanding hunger attacked her, sending Mara into a desperate frenzy. She was wide awake, unable to find her peace, or even a comfortable position. Her hands were shaking and she lacked the capacity to make them stop. For a brief moment, Mara felt the urge to wake Luke, to spill her dreadful secret and place herself in his care.
But no. She was Mara Jade. No matter how far she had come with Luke in the past few hours, she could not visit this on him. She didn't needanyone.
Careful not to wake the sleeping form beside her, Mara crept to the 'fresher that adjourned Luke's bedroom, recovering her discarded jacket on the way. Once safe inside, she pulled a small packet of white powder from the inside pocket, her shaking hands laying a small line of it on the fresher sink.
It was too late now, to stop. She would go into withdrawal, and she couldn't let Luke see her like that; make him go through all it entailed. No, she had to keep it secret, or her life would collapse.
She only needed a small amount each day, just to keep her straight. Because she was determined to give Luke everything he deserved, everything she had promised him and more. If she could only keep control of herself, never allow the drug to overtake her, she would be perfectly fine.
Luke would never need to know.
