Chapter
Twelve
Quidditch? (Unexpecting bliss...)
"Alex?"
"What?" I tear my gaze from my Divination-homework, wondering
why on earth ANYONE can fin tea-leaves so prodigiously fascinating,
as to write a whole chapter about it. I mean, it's just a soggy,
brown pile of muck. Nothing to get so exited about.
James sits
down opposite me, wearing what Sirius refers to as his
Quidditch-captain face. I rise my eyebrows.
"What news on the
Quaffle-front?"
He does not even notice the sarcasm. "Mathew
Brown has quitted his post as Chaser. Says Quidditch interrupts with
his schoolwork." He snorts, as if it was OBVIOUS that Quidditch is
MUCH more important than one's grades.
"So?"
"So we
need a new chaser."
First, I don't get it. When the
realisation finally hits me, it is actually quite alike getting a
bludger to my head. I stare at him.
"You are not serious!"
"Hell yes I am. You already know the basics as well as finer
points of flying. It is a part of you now, just as my reflexes has
been heightened, Sirius's sense of smell improved and Peter even
better on sensing danger."
"Not on a broom, James."
"I
don't think there's all that much difference. It's all about
being able to use wind and air-currents to your benefit. And having a
really sure eye. And I know you do. So you're not getting away."
The funny thing is that he does not even consider that I could
refuse. To him, that is absolutely impossible. Quidditch isn't a
sport. It's a duty and an overbearing part of LIFE. Saying no is
not an option.
Sighing to myself, I realise that there's truth
in that, if you just think about it. I could not say no to him, much
as I curse him for it. "Fine. I'll be at the selection. Because
there WILL be one. I am won't risk being the cause of the
discrimination someone who deserves the post more than I do.
Compredre?"
"I understand." He nods gravely, and I can't
help laughing at him. "What?!"
"You're so silly that it
makes you sweet!" I manage, gasping for air.
"WHAT?!"
"What's going on?" Remus inquires, strolling over to us.
James immediately falls back into his role as Quidditch-captain.
"Alex is going to try out to the new position as Chaser." He
informs solemnly, something that just ads fuel to the blaze of my
mirth.
Remus groans. "You realise that I will have to kill you
now?" He inquires very seriously of me. I cannot answer, since I am
still laughing too hard. This obviously attracts the attention of
Lily and Emily, as they both appear at Remus's side.
"Now
what is this?"
Remus turns to Lily with a dismayed face. "Alex
is going to join Jocks United."
Okay, that's unfair! "It's
not my fault! James is forcing me!"
"Forcing you?!" James
exclaims with an injured air.
"More or less, yes! You're
abusing your position as one of my best friends! You KNOW that I
cannot deny you anything, you cunning bastard."
"I am so
not-"
"Oh yes, you are!"
"I'm not!
"Are too!"
"Not!"
"Yeah, right!"
"Time out! Time out!"
Remus steps in, playing referee. I am laughing; James looks sullen.
Lily shakes her head with an air of helplessness, turning to walk
away, and Emily is regarding the scene with the expression of an
expert studying the behaviour of wild animals.
Actually, I am
quite flattered by James being so sure on my abilities. But to admit
that would be throwing away a perfectly good argument.
And THAT
would be a terrible waste, now wouldn't it?
"Alexita
Neidorsdaughter, step fourth."
I feel exceptionally silly in
these pyjama-like robes and the broom in my hand. But James beams,
even though he is careful to keep his face indifferent, so I bite
down my urge to get the hell out of here. I swing my leg over the
broom, and get myself airborne.
"Right. First, we are going to
see how well you can catch passes. Patil!" A blond boy leaves the
strict line the team is forming, getting himself up to my height.
"Alright! Try to catch!"
An easy pass, thrown straight
into my arms. I can't help but raising my eyebrows, as I throw the
quaffle back.
"Too easy? Okay. Fine for me." A wide,
white-toothed smile. The next one goes flying with terrible force
over my left shoulder. I spin around, diving after it. I let my
bird-of-prey instincts take over, the quaffle is nothing but a
quarry, a mouse moving over the fields far below me. A quick burst of
speed, and the red ball is secure in my hand. But it was a very close
one.
James voice: "This is NOT keeper practice, Patil, and if I
see you pass like that during a game, I'm kicking you from the
team."
"Easy, cap, it was just a joke." One more of those
big, friendly smiles. "Alright, girlie, back to the serious stuff.
Now we'll pass while we're moving, right? So if you'll just
speed up the pitch..."
I obey his orders, moving as fast as I
can towards to goalposts. Some seconds later he is diving in from
above me, throwing the quaffle over. And now I see what James really
meant with pre-installed knowledge about flying. Instinctively doing
some calculations in accordance to the resistance of the air and
wind-force, I slow down, veering slightly left. Not a very elegant
catch, but still a catch. Feeling a bit uproarious, I gain myself
some height, speeding past him. Then I suddenly drop steeply,
throwing the quaffle back to him as I pass just some feet before his
nose. He laughs, blue eyes shining from the exhilaration of flying.
We turn at almost the exact same time by the end of the pitch,
veering in opposite directions. He then speeds in behind the
goalposts, and on me turning back to meet him, he once more throws me
the quaffle. I catch it, and easily throw it through the golden hoop
of the nearest goalpost.
We are both grinning slightly, as we
return to the team. A girl carrying the bat of a Beater shakes her
head at her blond team-mate. "Patil, you obnoxious flirt..."
"I
wasn't doing nuthin', Wood!" He protests with an air of
absolutely faked hurt righteousness. "Just having some fun!"
"Well, you certainly play well when the hoops are unguarded"
James notes dryly, looking up from his notebook. "But the passing
was good. Now let's see a front on attack."
Before I get the
chance to react, the other Chaser is diving towards me with
tremendous speed. I leave myself no time to think, but go the only
way left free for me. Which unfortunately proves to be ninety degrees
skywards. Clinging on to the broom and cursing myself for ever
approving to this madness, I do a clumsy backwards loop. It is at
least a small solace to see my attacker – sure on being able to hit
me – almost loose control over his broom, and spin madly three or
four times, before regaining it.
"Excellent" the girl Wood
says with a malicious smile. "Bet you didn't count on that, eh,
Boot?"
"Haha. Very funny. She was faster than I though. But
she wouldn't have had a chance, had I hit her."
"Which is
completely irrelevant, since you didn't" James sighs, shaking his
head in disapproval. The protesting boy falls silent. "Now, over to
goal-practice."
I get six hits out of ten, which is quite good,
without being superb. Good enough for me. They test my ability to
avoid bludgers as well, and I manage to get out of it without
breaking anything. Hooray!
There are others after me, and I stay
a while and watch. There are some really good ones, and I hope that
James will be truly impartial. But I think he will. Being Captain is
a big responsibility, one that I do not think James would want to
loose.
He's proud of it.
Afterwards, I am ashamed to admit
that I actually sneak after them to listen, after carefully hoaxing
the Map into saying that I am at the bathroom. Yes, I can do that. I
was sort of responsible for that part of the charming. But it doesn't
happen often, at least.
"I think your friend was just fine,
cap. She sort of has 'it'..." Patil, judging by the voice.
"What 'it'?" The girl playing Keeper teases. "Big blue
eyes and loads of blond hair?" Okay, that's so not fair!
By
the sound of it, Patil smacks her. "No, you git. I was talking
about the love for flying, the exhilaration, the adrenaline! You
know... what quidditch is all about!"
"Fair enough" the
female beater. "And she's fast as Patil after a nice ass. A
little uncomfortable with the quaffle, though."
"Haha..."
Patil mumbles sourly under his breath.
"She was good at
avoiding tackles, at least" James mumbles dryly. "And your
big-brother, Wood?"
"Useless... He has to wait another year,
so that Kia gets of the Keeper-post, then you'll see some
action..."
I sneak away, not needing to hear more. Things seems
to work out just fine.
I take away the charm from the map,
whistling a quiet little melody as I stroll along the pitch. The best
part is that I won't be sad if I don't get the place. James
probably will be more disappointed than I. So I can just do this for
the fun of it. I really seem to forget that you can do things for no
other reason than that sometimes. I'm glad I've got the boys
there to remind me of it.
"I saw
you fly."
I jump, spinning around. "Heavens, Severus, don't
do that!"
He detangles himself from the shadows beneath a tree,
half a smile curling his lips. "Jumpy little thing, aren't you?"
"I blame it all on my unhappy childhood" I reply
automatically.
"What?"
"Oh, just something... never
mind really..."
He quirks one eyebrow at me, but I only shrug
my shoulders so he drops it.
"You were good. You like to fly?"
"Yeah. I think I was a bird in my previous life" I say with a
crooked smile.
"Indeed? And what kind of bird would that be?"
"A falcon." I reply without doubt. Well, what is there to
doubt?
His smile widens a bit. "Good choice."
"Choice?
Who said anything about choice? That's just who I am."
A nod;
He understands perfectly what I mean. As always.
"Then I was an
old bat" He says with all the solemnity of someone making fun of
himself. See, a guy with self-humour. Who would've thought that?
"Nah. You were a falcon too. A black one."
"Why a black
one?"
"To balance it up. Since I was I white one, silly." I
smile at him, and he returns it.
"A black and a white falcon.
Both the same, yet worlds apart. Suitable."
"Oh, hello there
Mr I'm-so-cheerful-today!" I snap, sticking my tongue out at him.
"You, my dear friend, have not seen the half of it." The
mocking tone lays bare in his voice. He's SO a complete bastard!
"I'm killing you." I tell him very seriously.
"No,
you're not. You like me too much."
I blink, stare at him for
two seconds, then fall over laughing. He doesn't seem to be as
amused.
"And what now?"
I look up at him, still clutching
at my ribs. "Don't DO like that, Sev! It might've killed me."
"The suspense is breathtaking" He comments with a heavy note
of irony.
I just smile, getting up with his help.
"You just
sounded like an idiot."
"An idiot?"
"Yup. The biggest
one."
"Oh. Him."
"Yes, so please don't do it again.
It feels like you're conspiring against me."
"You're
insulting me."
"Damn straight I am, and I am going to
continue until you apologize."
I can see the corners of his
mouth twitching now. "Fair enough. I'm sorry. It was not
intentional."
I give him my best vampire-smile. "All the
worse, Severus. All the worse."
"And there comes the cavalry"
he sighs, nodding towards James, striding up to us with a stormy look
in his face.
"Git." I sigh, smiling slightly. "But I better
take care of him before he spontaneously combusts."
Severus
nods, puts on his most scathing sneer, bows slightly to me, and
leaves.
James, accusingly: "What was that all about?"
I
follow Severus with my gaze until he once more blends into the
shadows, my face contorted in a perfect mask of pure disgust. A mask
to hide, a mask to protect, a mask to deceive. "We were talking."
"Talking?" He looks dumbstruck.
"Yes, James, talking.
Just because I loath the sight of him, doesn't mean we can't talk
to each other."
"So what were you talking about?"
I
grin at him. "Discussing is really the word. His opinion is that I
am a silly, nonsensical little girl, and mine is that he is a
complete bastard." I fake a sigh. "I am afraid we find ourselves
at a bit of a deadlock."
"Alex?"
"Yes."
"I am
never going to understand you. Ever. Are all girls like that?"
"No. I have developed myself after your half-empty brains. Most
girls are worse. Much, much worse."
He hits me, and we bicker
peacefully, as we stroll up to the castle. I glance back. A shadow
amongst the shadows of the forest, Severus watches us go.
So well
he blends in. It's like the shadows themselves were a part of him.
And he a part of them. Of darkness.
A shiver goes down my spine,
and the autumn air suddenly feels much colder. Through the corner of
my eye I see Severus turning away, and in the next moment he is gone.
Swallowed by the shadows. It's like he never was there.
Gone...
Why this feeling of a warning? Why this inevitable, overwhelming fear
of... loosing him?
As I blow
out the candle at my bedside, creeping into bed for the night, I
think about the feeling I got on my way from the quidditch-pitch. My
heart seems to contract, and I close my eyes in pain.
I've
spent so very much time in fear of loosing the marauders... So very
much time... But not once did I ponder how it would be to loose
Severus. Not once.
"Because he has no other. Because you are
sure that he will always be depending on you" a nasty little voice
at the back of my mind hisses.
Is it true? Am I really that
selfish? Have I grown so comfortable with this whole situation, as to
shrug my shoulders and think "Oh, but Severus only has me. He can't
turn away."? Am I really that awful?
But no... I've got
enough insight in myself to have to admit that this might be a part
of it, but it's also very much about trust. Trust in him, trust in
his friendship.
Yet, I feel so horribly guilty. After all the
times he has helped me, cared for me, supported me... Have I really
shown him how full of gratitude I am? Have I ever considered how
lucky I am to have such a faithful friend? Could I really blame him,
should he grow tired of waiting for me all the time?
My eyes
burn, and I sob dryly into my pillow. Do I really deserve all this
love that everyone bestows on me? Me; A liar, an deceiver, a...
traitor? I lie all the time to the marauders, I always let Severus
down, I force others to lie and keep secrets for me...
This
feeling... This feeling of a darkness waiting behind Severus's
back, ready to welcome him, ready to take him away from me for
ever... The same darkness that I keep in my heart, that I feed with
lust for revenge, with hate, with jealousy...
Am I wasting
everything? Are they throwing away all their love on someone
unworthy? Why don't I just let go? Let Severus follow the shadows,
let the boys stay in the light that they love, let myself slip into
my own darkness, never to return...
But I cannot. I cannot loose
the marauders, for they are the only thing that keeps me anchored to
the right side of this world. The good side. I would loose myself,
become a being which I now would despise.
Yet... Without Severus,
I would be lost. Forlorn. Helpless. Because without him, I would
forget the importance of the darkness. And it would eat me from
inside. He keeps me in balance, and if I lost him... It hurts too
much to think of. Not only because of what I would become, but
because of what I know that he would become. Eventually. I could not
take that. He means too much to me.
I wipe the tears off my face
and try to stifle my sobs. Keep them quiet. But my heart seems to be
torn in a million shreds by angry, mocking, frightening thoughts. I
hate all of it, all that tries to pull me apart, that tries to take
me for it's own, that won't let go. Why don't they all go away?
Why can't I forget about them?
The marauders with their light,
Severus with his darkness, Emily with her damnable optimism, Lily
with her strength, the wolf and its endless tormenting of Remus, Baz
with her naivety, Violet with her weakness, Julie with her
helplessness, my old bullies, my dad, my mother, the lessons, the
magic, Mr and Mrs Potter, Cassandra fucking Black, my fear, my hate,
myself and the fact that I can't stand me, these bloody thoughts
that keep me awake even though I've got a test tomorrow....
Everyone and everything!
I bite at my pillow, weeping into its
soft whiteness.
"Alex?" a oft hand is put at my shoulder,
someone is shaking me slightly, as if trying to wake me from slumber.
I look up, but my vision is so blurred, I can see nothing except a
mild light, and something white. A soft hand dries the tears of my
face. Great. I bet it is an angel coming to comfort me. Now I have
one more thing to add to the list of things that claims my attention,
claims a bit of me. Reason to hate this life number 457: A sudden and
unwanted position as the new Virgin Mary. Except that I lost my
virginity when I was ten, and that I am thus a sinful woman. Bad
Alex. What have we SAID about going around being raped by your
father? Shame on you!
I am really tired.
My vision is coming
back, though.
"Alex? Were you having a nightmare?"
Baz,
of course, carrying a candle in her hand. Now, if someone should be a
new Virgin Mary, it should be her. Or why not Messiah? The holier,
the better, I say. Let's make her God. I am sure that she would
take care of things better that the one handling it now. Really.
"Y-yes... A nightmare..."
"I see" she smiles at me.
"You want to talk about it?"
"I... I don't remember it."
"Well, then... You think it will come back?"
I sigh,
shaking my head. "I don't know. Maybe. But I think I will have
some peace for now, at least."
"Good. I think I'll sit here
for a while. You try to sleep. Is that okay?" I can see her eyes
shine from the will to help, and I nod smilingly.
"Thank you."
The last thing I see before I fall asleep, is her warm, brown
eyes, looking down at me in concern. Her face seems to glow in the
light of the candle, and the locks falling around her face shines.
Actually, it feels pretty much like having an angel watching my
sleep. An angel come to this earth, forgotten by all other good
powers...
And maybe it isn't so bad.
To live, I mean.
"Severus?"
He does not look up, but he smiles bleakly. "Yes, Alex?"
I
sit down beside him, hands folded in my lap. "I'm sorry."
His
stance immediately becomes guarded, his eyes dart from the book to my
face. "Sorry for what, pray?"
"For... for everything. For
that I've never given you any proper thanks for what you do for
me."
"What I do for you?"
"You stay. You're always
there, you always listen, you never complain, and all I do is... to
let you down."
"You forget, my friend, that I have no other.
Where would I go?"
"You ain't making this easier!" I
snap, leaning closer. "You know and I know that you could walk
away. Go back to what you was. You know that darkness and so do I,
and you could give yourself to it once more. We all have that choice.
But you stay. For my sake. Please let me thank you for it."
He
shakes his head at me, smiling slightly. "And you then? That
darkness you speak of... You have your chance to rid yourself of it
for ever. To let go. And yet you stand there, with one foot in each
world, tearing yourself apart, hating your friends and caring for
your enemy. You stay. You stay for my sake. I am not doing any
favours by remaining at your side. I am paying back."
I cannot
but nod. It is a bit painful, but what truth is not?
"I'm
more self-centred than Sirius."
He laughs hollowly. "You have
to give him that. That he is self-centred, I mean. Who else should
you have as a centre than yourself?"
"I thought you hated him
for it."
"No. I hate him for being a big-headed, idiotic
prat."
I steal his book from him, hitting him over the head
with it. He smiles, poking his quill in my ribs, and I scream,
falling to the floor. Reason and watchfulness forgotten, I jump at
him, trying to push him off the couch.
"Mr Snape? Miss
Neidorsdaughter?"
We both jump, twisting around. Just a few
meters away stands professor Dumbledore. None of us heard him come.
"I am sorry to... interrupt you in your... shall we say
studies." A glimpse of humour sparkles in his eyes, but just for a
short second. I have never seen him so grave and solemn since the
time I told him about my father.
"Professor?" Severus's
voice is cold and distant.
"I have to talk to you, Mr Snape.
About a matter of very high importance." There is sorrow in his
eyes! I can see it as clear as the day outside the windows, the dusty
air that surrounds us. What on earth has happened.
I can see that
Severus is becoming more uncertain as well. His eyes stray towards
me, I know he is seeking help.
"What has happened, professor?"
I inquire softly.
Dumbledore sighs. "I cannot talk about it
here. Mr Snape needs to come to my office at once."
I am sure
there are very few who could see how very unsure of himself Severus
is right now. Because even though is face is cold and empty, even
though his posture is relaxed, I can see in his eyes the same
expression as a rabbit might wear when it raises it head to see that
the harmless shadows has become the shape of a fox, closing in. He
moves closer to me, seemingly without thinking about it.
Dumbledore,
mildly: "Perhaps you want Miss Neidorsdaughter to come with you?"
He nods, eyes fixed on the old man, who seems in some way...
weary and tired. Like was he staggering under some great weight.
"Come then."
I look at Severus, and he tries to smile,
but his lips seems frozen. Then we both drive all feeling from our
faces, like were we totally alien from each other. I can see in
Dumbledore's eyes that he understands.
So we start our strange
procession through the corridors. People turn to watch, and in their
faces I read the conviction that there has been a great fight between
these two infamous arch-enemies. Curiosity, hunger for scandals,
worry; it all blends together in faces that I cannot put names to,
cannot place in any context. I am surrounded by strangers.
"Alex?"
I turn, and a stranger is approaching me. I regard him in some
strange kind of fascination. Tall, black-haired, handsome, eyes that
right now seem black as well, black with a complex mixture of
feelings. "What has happened? What has he done?"
Hateful
glances at Severus. The hate is so very real, it is something I can
connect to... With a jerk, I am back in the real world again.
"I
don't know what this is about, Sirius" I whisper hurriedly. "The
Headmaster just wants to speak with us both. Apart from that, I
understand nothing."
He nods, and I quicken my pace to keep up
with Dumbledore and Severus. This is not feeling well.
In fact,
it feels as bad as can be.
There is a
man with a business–like look about him waiting in Dumbledore's
office. As we enter, he stares curiously at me.
"He wanted her
to be here, Mr. Wilkins." Dumbledore tells him as an explanation.
The man nods a bit disdainfully, with an expression that tells us
that he, personally, keeps a very big distance from this kind of
mawkishness.
I think rather nastily to myself that I really hope
this guy hasn't got any children. I really disliked him from the
first moment I saw him.
Dumbledore sits down, and bids us to do
the same. I sink down in a sofa beside Severus. Mr. Wilkins remains
standing.
"Mr. Snape" he proclaims with a stately air "I am
here from the ministry to inform you-"
Here he is cut off by
professor Dumbledore. "Mr. Wilkins, would you be so kind as to let
me handle this?"
The man seems about to insist, but there is an
unmistakable tone of steel in the Headmaster's eyes. He nods
sullenly.
Dumbledore turns his warm, blue gaze towards Severus.
"I am sorry to have to tell you, Mr. Snape" he says in a low,
gentle voice "that your mother is dead."
The words hit with
the force of a sledgehammer. His head snaps up, and he stares at the
old man in disbelief. I feel how my shoulders slowly sink together,
as all my synapses scream in protest against the shock.
"My...
mother?" Severus's voice is barely audible.
"She passed
away yesterday as the hour struck eleven" Mr. Wilkins says without
a single trace of passion in his voice. No, this man clearly has no
children, thank god for that. I glare at him so viciously that his
mouth snaps shut. Abominable man!
Severus is still staring at
Dumbledore, his face a horrible mask of disbelief.
The Headmaster
looks so very, very tired, so very, very sad. "Knife-wound. She
managed to floo herself to St. Mungos, but by that time it was
already too late, she had lost too much blood. Your father is held
suspect for murdering her. Do you know anything, Mr. Snape?" His
voice is still very quiet and soft. Severus closes his eyes.
"Only
that it is true."
I slowly reach for his hand, pressing it
against mine. Tears are flooding my eyes now, tears which curse an
unfair world.
"You can both stay here as long as you want to. I
and Mr. Wilkins will leave you." Dumbledore gives the man from the
ministry a stony look, daring him to speak a word against him.
They
both leave the room.
Only then can Severus let his pride slip. He
sags against me, and I can feel his tears against my neck. I hold him
without a word, sobbing at the cruelties of this world. My eyes burn,
and my throat contracts, but that does not matter, since no words can
now give an solace.
Julie, Julie, do you know how much you were
loved? Even though you ended your time alone, you WERE loved. Your
son loved you, I loved you, and in the back of their minds, your
parents loved you too. We weep, Julie, to know that you were kept
away from a world which could not but love you. We weep to know that
you left us without knowing how much more you were worth than what
life would give you.
"Mother..." Severus whispers. He does
not sob, not even breath any harder. His tear fall silent against my
skin. There is only this single world, and in it there is pain enough
to make the stars themselves weep, the people of a thousand worlds
mourn for this lonely child and his mother.
Why? Why does it have
to be like this? Why do children have to cry; why do those who
deserves only the best have to live out their lives in pain; why do
angels have to fall when they are only trying to fly; why does love
smite down with such terrible devices upon those who devote their
lives to it?
Why is there so much pain in this world?
Why
must you feel hurt?
"Alexita..."
"Yes?" My voice is
no more than a whisper, and neither is his. There barely any force
left in our lounges for speech, all seems to be drained by sorrow.
"You will come to... to the funeral? Right? You will be
there... so that she will know..."
"Yes, Severus. I will be
there."
"Good." He sighs, the breath trembling in his
lounges.
I do not tell him that I am sorry, nor say any other
word of comfort. What would be the point of that. He would not hurt
the less, and nor would I. All comfort is in vain, a mockery of the
sorrow that death brings.
You angel in a yellow summer-dress,
with flowers in your hair... With a smile on your lips as you greeted
me, hugging me to your thin frame... Looking so forlorn and helpless
with that exaggerated make-up and your shy, timid way of moving...
I
shall keep the letters you wrote, letters full of all the love and
care that you needed so desperately to give. I shall keep your words
and your never-ending affection as the greatest gift ever given to my
heart.
And I promise you this: I will take care of your son. I
will always be his friend. I know that I am weak, but I will try in
every manner not to fail him. I owe you that, just as I owe HIM that.
I promise, Julie.
Because I loved you.
Because I love you
still.
