This is the final regular chapter of the story. I planned to have an Epi and a couple of outtakes, so far. So the ride is not over yet.
Sorry for the delay. I forgot it was Spring Break. My kids kindly set me straight.
This chapter is a bit crazy.
The Final Match
"Remember it will only last for a few minutes. Then it will be all over. The End. That's all she wrote. The final bow. The fat lady will sing…"
"I get it, Sookie. I just can't believe we're really doing this? I think I'm still in shock for coming up with the idea. Do you think my therapist will have me committed?"
"Take a deep breathe, Eric. Do you really want us to end up like Go Balls Deep? Never underestimate the elderly in combat situations."
True.
The monkeys did a phenomenal job patching them up. Although, I think they got a little overzealous with the casting. They all had at least one limb casted, whether it was necessary or not.
Bill was sporting an interesting reverse Mohawk and a straight-jacket/arm sling/cast thing. I have no idea what that is about. One of the spider monkeys is throwing grapes at his head.
The monkeys were kind enough to draw eyebrows back on Lorena, the team's missing link. I don't know if they sewed or glued her new button "mole" on her face but I guess it works.
They found a child's Superman cape for Felipe. He seems to like his Ironman helmet better than his Zorror mask and hat. But since his arms are casted he can't hold his sword. Life can be so unfair.
Poor white Dave Chappelle has to walk in flats now. His torn lace blouse is now a tank top. He looks distraught. I still don't understand why the monkeys cast his leg. The man only broke his heels.
Oh well.
Sigebert has two black eyes and a busted lip. He took a beating. He's got his hands full trying to keep his brother from wonder off. The monkeys' solution of solid colored sunglasses is not helping the matter, either.
However, I think the monkeys' placement of a chastity belt and upper body cast for Victor was a very wise decision. Having his legs casted will slow him down.
That man needs to be neutered.
"You're right, Sookie. Just a few more minutes and it will all be over. Do the monkeys have all the music we need?"
"Yes, the walking rodents have the music. I don't think it's wise for the monkeys to play DJ."
"Pam, look at the quality medical treatment they administered for the last match. I think they can handle a turntable."
"Eric, they sutured Victor's lips together. As entertaining as that was to watch, it wasn't even straight! It is going to leave a scar. Any quality surgeon knows better."
"The monkeys said they needed practice for the wedding. Besides, they offered to shave the rest of Bill's head if we let them."
"Fine. Bitches? Finish stretching. The old people are taking their places."
"Eric, don't forget to point your toes."
"I swear to God, Sookie. If I didn't love you…" I walk away shaking my head.
"Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to the First Annual Dodgeball Tournament of Death. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot. Death was only optional. Luckily, Go Balls Deep got a taste of the afterlife but we've been informed they should make a full recovery. Maybe next year. Thank you once again to the spider monkeys for their ingenuity and expertise. Maintenance appreciates your immediate triage of all open wounds."
Why is that monkey with the scalpel eyeing Victor?
"Folks, it looks like we're in for a treat. I've been informed that our Final Match is going to be quiet the performance of true skill, endurance, flexibility and hip action. Here's to hoping maintenance gets a break with this match because the animals in the lobby appear to be having intestinal issues."
"Son of a bitch! We told you fucking crazies not to feed them the cotton candy!" yells the maintenance staff. "What is wrong with these people?" They mumble as they walk towards the front of the arena.
Got to feel for those guys.
"Participants, please take your positions on the court. Greener Pastures, are you ready? Pam's Little Bitches, are you ready? DJ are you ready? On 3…3, 2, 1…FIGHT!"
"Well, Cotton, this is an interesting start to this match. No one is moving. Is it the double, reverse psychology, Zombie Apocalypse standoff? I do admit the music is throwing me off."
"Now they're snapping their fingers and circling each other around the court. Pepper, I think I'm having a flashback. Oh my God! Could it be? It must be my birthday! It's the Rumble."
"I don't recall WWE using finger snappy as a wrestling maneuver. Maybe HBO Boxing?"
"No, Pepper. It's Westside Story! The Rumble between the Jets and the Sharks. The ultimate fight."
"Well, now the pointed-toe, finger snap jumps makes sense. Look at that form. This is some excellent Broadway, Cotton."
"Segue into Mambo and I Feel Pretty partner work, Pepper. Their lines are outstanding. I'm not sure who gets to be the gal but they all look lovely."
"Look at those team poses. Blinking their big lashes and blowing kisses?! Be still my heart."
"Look at me I'm Sandra Dee!" Screams from the speakers.
"It's Grease! Go Grease Lightin'! Shake your monkey makers, people. I haven't seen that kind of quality shaking and swiveling since this morning when I put pepper on my eggs and stirred my coffee."
"Cotton, I must agree. Exceptional hip action in their twists. Jazz hand, five-star finger positions are impeccable."
"Do the Hustle!"
"Check out the judges, Pepper. Clearly, they are lovers of musicals. Fat Bastard and Mini-Me might have finally found common ground in song and dance, as they poorly attempt to do the hustle."
"Cotton, I'm not certain if you can classify that movement as a hustle. It's appears more seizure-like than anything else."
"Heeeey Macarena!" Is shouted as all participants freeze.
"It's another transition, Pepper. I wonder what will get for this number."
"The word is out
You're doin' wrong
Gonna lock you up
Before too long
Your lyin' eyes
Gonna tell you right
So listen up
Don't make a fight
Your talk is cheap
You're not a man
You're throwin' stones
To hide your hands"
"Turn up the music, DJ! That's my jam!" yells Chuck Norris.
"Oh boy, Pepper. We've got some Jackson…Michael Jackson, 'Bad'!"
"Because I'm bad, I'm bad come on
You know I'm bad, I'm bad come on, you know
You know I'm bad, I'm bad come on, you know"
"We've got the old folks moon walking. Even Chuck Norris is getting into his boogaloo, Cotton."
"Pepper, those bitches can pop and lock like no one's business. White men can dance."
"Cotton, even the tall blond Jolly Green Giant Bitch is showing some impressive Robot moves. With his robot skills, someone is going to have to check for a pulse on that Redwood."
"I need to videotape him and put it on YouTube, Pepper! I'm sure he'd appreciate the attention his Robot moves will garner. Truly impressive."
"And the whole world has to
Answer right now
Just to tell you once again
Who's bad?"
"Pepper, with the final pose, the old ones have picked up the balls and tapped the Bitches on the shoulder!"
"They're out! Pam's Bitches are out! Greener Pastures have pulled out the biggest upset in our first ever Dodgeball Tournament, Cotton. The elderly do have stamina."
"Here's come Mr. Shatner, Pepper."
"Ladies and gentlemen. We have a winner. The winners of the First Annual Dodgeball Tournament is Greener Pastures! Please come up to…"
"Mr. Shatner! Mr. Shatner! I must protest."
"Yes, Mr. Compton. What exactly do you take issue with?"
"I take offense and do not appreciate the inaccuracies of the Westside Story number in their performance. I would like to demonstrate the correct form…"
"Mr. Compton, that's not really necessary."
"No, no. Just give me a moment. The correct snap, point-toe jump Grand jete is like this…"
"Sweet baby Jesus and all the apostles. We need a medic! Man down! Man down! Monkeys warm up the plaster."
SPOV
"You bunch of bitches. I don't even know what to say? That was the single most disturbing match of dodgeball I've ever witnessed. Where was the blood? The carnage? And I'm not including Bill's jump off the cliff back there. As delightful as that was to see, it doesn't count."
"Pam, you're going to have to let it go. Eric's plan worked out great. Don't forget, you have throwing stars now. Everything will be okay."
"You are correct, Sookie. Tomorrow is a brand new day. I will get Go Balls Deep's addresses and start their torment."
"Eric, can I borrow your Sharpie? I one final adjustment to make to your uniform shirt."
"Sure. What do I get know? I slipped your wedding ring on during intermission. You know the flight leaves tonight at 8pm."
I write on the front of his shirt in big bold letters and had him back the Sharpie.
"Go ahead and read it."
"I'm a DAD!" he squeals and then faints.
FADE TO BLACK.
The End
A/N I really hope you enjoyed my story. I enjoyed writing about these characters in a humorous setting.
Thank you all who took the time to read, review, favorite and alert this story. I really appreciate it.
Like I said above, I still have an Epi and a couple of outtakes planned.
Until next time,
TMart
