A new chapter! It's kind of slow i'll admit but Captain Sham will be in the next chapter so things will get more interesting :)


Chapter 2: Aunt Josephine

"This is the couch," Aunt Josephine said, pointing to a couch. "Please, do not go anywhere near it. If it falls, it'll crush you flat."

"I'm sure the sofa is safe," I said, "It can't just fall at any random moment, there has to be some sort of force to push it."

"You'll never know if something does push it over," Aunt Josephine said.

The Baudelaire's and I exchanged glances briefly. Aunt Josephine was giving us a tour of her home and she seemed to be not only afraid of the lake but of everything else, like the welcome matt, which she explained could cause someone to trip. And the sofa, which could fall over at any moment and crush us flat.

"This is the telephone," Aunt Josephine said, gesturing to the phone. "It should only be used in emergencies because it could electrocute someone."

"Actually," Klaus said, "I've read quite a bit about electricity. The telephone should be perfectly safe."

"You can't believe everything you read," she pointed out. Which was very true, but not at the moment.

"Not every author takes the time to write a book about telephones if he was just trying to get some one killed." I said, "People have been using phones since the early nineteen hundreds. They've been around long enough to know they are perfectly safe. The only part to be worried about is tripping over the cord."

"And I've built a telephone," Violet said. "If you'd like, I could take the telephone apart and show you how it works. Maybe that would make you feel better."

"I don't think so," Aunt Josephine frowned.

"Delmo!" Sunny offered.

"Delmo?" Aunt Josephine asked. "What do you mean by 'delmo'? I find myself quite the expert on the English language and I have never heard of 'delmo' before."

"I'm afraid Sunny doesn't speak fluently, yet," Klaus said. "Mostly baby talk."

"Grun!" Sunny objected.

"Well, I will have to teach her proper English," Aunt Josephine said. "I'm sure you all need some proper grammar instruction. Grammar is the greatest joy in life, don't you find?"

The Baudelaire's and I exchanged glances. I respected Aunt Josephine's opinion on the greatest joy of life but I knew that the greatest joy in life for me was reading, and all the elements of performing arts. I knew that Violet, Klaus and Sunny would have different opinions on the greatest joy in life too. But, it was rude to contradict her.

"Yes," I said. "I've always loved grammar and I'm sure the Baudelaire's do too. English has always been a favorite subject of mine."

Aunt Josephine nodded and gave us a small smile. "Well, I'll show you to your room and the rest of the house after dinner. When you open this door, just push the wood here. Never use the doorknob. I'm afraid that it might shatter into a million pieces, and that one of them will hit my eye."

We smiled at Aunt Josephine, pushed on the wood, opening the door into a large room, with blank white walls and blue carpet. Inside, were three good-sized beds and one good-sized crib, clearly, for Sunny. They all had plain blue bedspreads and wooden trunks at the end of each bed.

At the other end of the room was a large closet for everyone's clothes, a small window and a medium-sized pile of tin cans. 'Why were they here?' I wondered.

"I'm sorry that all four of you must stay in the same room," Aunt Josephine said. "But this house isn't very big. I tried to provide you with everything you need. I do hope you will be comfortable."

"I'm sure we will," Violet said.

"Thank you, Aunt Josephine," I said.

"In each of your trunks, there is a present," Aunt Josephine said.

Presents? In all my life I've never received any kind of present before let alone a celebrated birthday, or Christmas. The only gifts I've ever gotten were the bracelet from Klaus that I still have and the iPod and music from Uncle Monty. Of course, all of those books and Playbill posters were gifts too. I was grateful for those gifts. I would be grateful for any gift.

"For Violet," Aunt Josephine said, opening the first trunk. "There is a lovely new doll with plenty of outfits for it to wear." She reached inside and pulled out a plastic doll with a tiny mouth and wide, staring eyes. It scared me because when I was younger Carmelita Spats had been nice to me so she could tell me the story of Chucky and I was terrified. She had gotten dolls from all her friends and placed them all over the room as she told it. After the story was over I had run from the room in fear that one of those scary dolls would come and get me. I had nightmares about it every night since. I wasn't as scared anymore, but the doll's staring eyes made me take a step back. "Isn't she adorable? Her name is Pretty Penny."

"Oh, thank you," said Violet, smiling.

"And for Klaus," she said, pulling out a tiny train car. "There is a modeled train set. You can set up the tracks in that empty corner of the room."

"What fun," said Klaus in fake excitement. I didn't see anything wrong with train tracks. I'd always wanted one of those Thomas the Train Engine train sets. I loved to build things. Not exactly like Violet does but I just always loved puzzles and legos.

"And for Jane," she said, opening the next trunk, "this lovely music box." I took the box from Aunt Josephine. The box was elegantly decorated with little hearts, butterflies, flowers, and other pretty things, "Why don't you open it?"

I opened the box slowly and as soon as I did I saw a beautiful little ballerina spinning slowly as the soft music played. Beside the platform the ballerina was on were slots to hold all sorts of jewelry.

I was suddenly reminded of when I used to sneak off my boarding school's campus to stare for hours at all the toy stores with all kinds of things including music boxes. At this moment I was that little girl again. I didn't know what to say. I loved it. It was the most beautiful gift I've ever gotten. I blinked back my sudden tears of joy as I said, "Oh, Aunt Josephine, it's so beautiful. I-I'm speechless. Thank you very much, this means so much to me."

"Well, you're very welcome. I'm glad you like it," Aunt Josephine said, smiling sweetly. "And for little Sunny," she continued, reaching into the last trunk. "here is a rattle. See, Sunny, it makes a little noise."

Sunny smiled at Aunt Josephine showing her all of her four sharp teeth.

"It is so generous of you to give us all these things," Violet said politely. I nodded in agreement.

"Well, I'm very glad to have you here," Aunt Josephine said. "I love grammar so much. I'm excited to be able to share my love of grammar with four nice children, like you. Well, I'll give you a few minutes to settle in and then we'll have dinner. See you soon."

"Aunt Josephine," Klaus asked, "what are these cans for?"

"They're for burglars," Aunt Josephine said, patting her bun. "You must be as frightened of burglars as I am. So every night, place these cans by the door so that when burglars come in, they'll trip over the cans and wake you up."

"But what will we do then?" Violet asked, "when we're awake in a room with an angry burglar?"

"Angry burglars? Why are you talking about angry burglars? Are you trying to make us even more afraid?"

"Of course not," Violet said. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you."

"Well, we'll say no more about it." Aunt Josephine said, looking nervously at the tin cans. "I'll see you at the dinner table in a few minutes."

She left, shutting the door behind her.

"Sunny can have Pretty Penny," Violet said, handing the doll to Sunny. "The plastic is hard enough for chewing, I think."

"And you can have the model trains, Violet," Klaus said. "Maybe you could invent something with it."

"But that leaves you with a rattle," Violet said. "That doesn't seem fair."

"Schu!" Sunny shrieked and I knew what that meant. I was shocked at how ungrateful the Baudelaire's were.

"Hey," I said. "You shouldn't complain. Aunt Josephine was kind enough to buy these lovely gifts for us. You should be grateful. You know I've never been given presents before in my entire life? I used to sit and watch all the other children get all kinds of things that I could only dream of having. The only gift I ever got was a candy cane and a piece of clothing from Good Will every year. Do you think that seemed fair? I wasn't joking when I said that this means a lot to me. You shouldn't take things like this for granted."

The Baudelaire's exchanged glances, guiltily.

"That's terrible," Klaus said. "And you're right. We're sorry. We shouldn't have acted that way."

"Yes," Violet said. "I'm sorry too. Aunt Josephine obviously worked very hard to prepare us this room. She's a good-hearted person. You're right, we shouldn't complain, even to ourselves."

"Shen," Sunny said, nodding in agreement.

"Don't be sorry," I said, "just know that with our luck, this is the best we're going to get." I smiled and they smiled back.

"Dinner's ready!" Aunt Josephine called from the kitchen. We headed back out into the dinning room.

"Oh good," Violet said. "Nothing like a hot bowl of soup on a chilly evening."

"Agreed," I said.

"Actually, it's not hot soup. I never cook anything hot because I'm afraid of turning the stove on. It might burst into flames. I've made chilled cucumber soup for dinner."

Yum! I sighed as we helped Aunt Josephine set the table. Klaus had been looking for napkins in the kitchen. He was standing near the fridge when Aunt Josephine cried, "Klaus, what are you doing?"

"Napkins," Klaus said.

"By the sink," Aunt Josephine said, "Now, come away from the fridge. If it falls, it could crush you flat."

Klaus got the napkins and set the table with them while Violet, Sunny, and I exchanged glances. When the table was finished being set Aunt Josephine poured each of us a bowl of soup. Our teeth chattered as we ate in silence.

Aunt Josephine broke the silence by telling us about her husband Ike and the Wide Window, which was in her library.

"Library?" Klaus asked, brightening. "You have a library?"

"Of course," Aunt Josephine said, "I'll show you."

We followed Aunt Josephine down the hallway until we reached a door at the end of the hall. Aunt Josephine gently pushed the door open revealing an enormous room filled with books stored on bookshelves. There were comfortable looking reading chairs and tables for notes. Best of all, there was an enormous window to the left. It was definitely called the Wide Window for a reason.

Aunt Josephine began to talk about Ike's death, saying that he was eaten by leaches. I shuddered. Then, even more shocking, Aunt Josephine was terrified of Realtors!