Hello beautiful readers! Yes, I know it has been awhile. After a bit of coaxing from a couple of you, I just sat down and finished this like a trooper. I forgot how much I like Kenzi and Charlie together. It's a little off the wall, but that's Kenzi for you. Hope you guys like it!
"How did I end up pulling the wagon?" Kenzi complained as she yanked the blue plastic wagon forward with both hands behind her back. "I thought I was getting a ride, not playing horse in horse drawn carriage."
"You're just the nicest aunt ever," Bo replied.
"And you can't fit," Charlie added as she tapped a rhythm on the sides of her chariot. As they marched down the sidewalk, Lauren towel dried the girl's hair despite her squirming.
Glancing over her shoulder, Kenzi pouted, "I didn't wanna ride with you anyway."
Before her daughter could make some sort of snide remark, Bo asked her friend, "Kenz, how did you buy a ticket to get into the zoo? I thought you already spent the money from our last job."
Stopping to adjust the bandanna on her head, Kenzi cleared her throat and began, "Funny story. I was walking along like a normal person and this wallet was on the ground." She pulled out a wallet seemingly from nowhere and concluded, "Turns out it had money in it and I bought a ticket with the cash. The end." She shoved the folded leather into her inner jacket pocket and resumed her laborious trek toward the panda exhibit hauling Charlie behind her.
Not buying Kenzi's tale, Bo pressed, "That's the story? You really found a wallet on the ground?"
Reluctantly correcting herself, the woman said, "I did pick it up off the ground. I didn't say how it got on the ground." She added with a smirk, "Answer to the how: gravity won."
"You dropped it!" Charlie playfully accused.
"Kenzi," Bo snapped as she grabbed her friend by the sleeve.
Finally willing to tell the whole truth, Kenzi turned to the group and replied, "There is a teeny weeny possibility that I left out the beginning of the story. It's a totes snooze fest." After taking a deep breath, her eyes wandered around the empty space between the three individuals as she admitted, "I found it in a guy's back pocket first. Then after gravity won, I found it again on the ground."
Lauren rolled her eyes and glanced down at her daughter and said, "Charlotte, you know that—"
"Stealing is wrong," the girl concluded. She smiled up at the blonde and said, "I know, Mama. I don't steal because I get what I want."
"Spoiled much?" Bo chuckled.
Raising one eyebrow, the toddler noted, "Your fault, Mommy."
Bo tugged the towel off the girl's head and ruffled the hair beneath it as she threatened, "One day, I'm going to start to tell you 'no' constantly."
With squinted eyes and pursed lips exactly like her aunt's, the girl replied, "Sure." With a wink, she added, "When Tam Tam stops drinking."
Smiling at the exchange, Lauren looked up and noted sadly, "Uh oh. It looks like there's a line to get into the exhibit."
"Crap balls," Kenzi muttered. "This sh—situation needs to be expedited." She had absolutely no intention of standing in this snake of a line for god knows how long. Fortunately, she had the perfect solution and an impeccable set up for one of her scams. She turned around and asked Charlie, "You up for 'Can't Hear Nothing'?"
With a wide grin, the girl lifted her hands and signed in response. Confused, Lauren asked, "Was that sign language? Real sign language?"
Not bothering to answer, Kenzi instructed, "Follow my lead, Doc. I want to make daughter happy." She began bobbing under the railings with the wagon behind her and nudging people out of the way as she apologized in a heavy Russian accent, "Excuse me, beautiful people." Charlie was sure to duck and offer small smiles to the people in line.
Lauren and Bo opted to weave through the line and also apologized. The blonde asked her wife, "Is this what I think it is?"
"Yeah. I'm afraid so." Bo shook her head and snickered, "Kenzi's about to do what she does best."
When Kenzi and Charlie reached the front of the line, a female zoo worker held out a hand to stop them, "I'm sorry ma'am, but you're going to have to move to the back of the line."
With the most pathetic face she could muster, Kenzi replied, "Please ma'am. Me and daughter are from Russia. We run away from bad man who hurt us." She motioned over her shoulder to Bo and Lauren who finally had caught up to them. "Very nice ladies take care of us. My daughter is deaf and want to see pandas." Bending over, caressing Charlie's cheek and pecking her on the forehead, she continued, "She has so small happiness since we ran from home." While moving her lips, the Russian signed something to the little girl to which Charlie also responded with hand motions. Looking to the woman blocking their path, Kenzi smiled nicely and said, "She so sweet. She say your hair pretty."
Completely sucked into Kenzi's scam, the brunette replied gently, "She is absolutely adorable. Can she read lips?"
Kenzi nodded, "She is learning, but slow. So much bad things happen to her." She fought back a small tear.
"Aww," the woman brushed a hand on Kenzi's arm and addressed her daughter, "Would you like to see the pandas?" As if not understanding, Charlie tilted her head and tapped one of her "deaf" ears. The brunette leaned closer to the girl's face and drew out the word, "Paaannnddaaaasss?"
The toddler's eyes immediately widened as she nodded and clapped. Kenzi softly ran a hand through the girl's hair and responded, "You make her happy. Canada is good to us."
"Well," the woman stepped aside, "I'll just get you through this line then." As Kenzi wheeled Charlie into the exhibit, the toddler tugged on the kind, gullible woman's arm and signed with excitement. The woman looked to Kenzi for translation.
"She said god bless you kind woman."
The kindhearted brunette murmured, "Such a strong little girl." She glanced at Bo and Lauren and remarked, "You are such generous souls to take these two into your home. I can't imagine what their life was like back in Russia."
Catching a small smirk on Kenzi's lips, Bo replied flatly, "Difficult I'm sure."
The Russian girl agreed, "Much hard life at home. Bad men. Little food." She clutched her chest as if reliving the 'pain'.
The brunette patted Kenzi's shoulder and replied, "All that is behind you now. She can see the pandas and I hope that brings her some happiness."
Charlie smiled broadly, waved her hands and concluded the sentence with a familiar motion of a flat hand moving from mouth and outward. Kenzi interpreted, "She says you have much good inside and thank you."
"You're welcome dear. Have fun," the woman waved goodbye to the grateful mother and daughter and the two selfless women housing them.
Once they were out of sight, Bo punched Kenzi on the arm and said, "Just when I thought you couldn't stoop any lower. Was that even real sign language?"
Bringing a hand to her chest and gasping, the woman replied, "I'm insulted! When I pull a con, it's for reals."
"Aside from it being a con," Lauren pointed out with an eyeroll.
Kenzi continued with a defensive tone, "I've put some signage skills to use in the past. Never fails," she ended triumphantly. Charlie tugged on Kenzi's skirt and signed quickly. The woman shook her head and replied in the negative, "No. I don't need to go to the loo."
"The loo?" Bo scoffed.
"Learned from a British guy."
"The sign for 'loo' is different from 'bathroom'?" Bo asked with a smirk.
Kenzi shot her a dirty look and despite her friend being correct, she snipped, "Don't be jealous of my kick a skills, Succubus."
The tiny blonde whispered to her aunt, "Can I talk yet?"
With two firm pats on the head, Kenzi responded, "Give it a few minutes, kid." She lowered an open palm, "High five. You killed it."
As Charlotte grinned from ear to ear, her blonde mother asked, "Out of curiosity, what was she signing?"
Now smacking the girl's hands repeatedly with her own in a patting motion, the woman replied, "Mostly random questions: 'How are you?' 'Can I get directions?' 'Where's some biscuits?'" Smiling mischievously, Charlie signed something that made Kenzi giggle, "That's her favorite."
"What does it mean?" Bo inquired.
Careful to avoid eye contact with both mothers, Kenzi stammered, "Uh. Well. Let's just say she doesn't know and it's better if no one knows."
Bo rolled her eyes and propped her hands on her hips, "Kenz, did you teach her sign language swearing?"
"Oh, it's beyond swearing," Kenzi puffed up with pride, "It's the best Kenzi conjured insult of all freakin' time."
Lauren groaned but opted to roam around the exhibit rather than reprimand her daughter's aunt. After a half hour of meandering through the indoor panda exhibit and soaking in tidbits about pandas, the foursome greeted the sunlight and perfect weather as they stepped outside. Immediately, Charlie bounced in the wagon and yelled up at Lauren, "Pandas, Mama. Pandas!"
Jokingly, her mother feigned ignorance, wrinkled her eyebrows and asked playfully, "Are you sure you want to see the pandas? I'm not convinced that you are."
"Yeah, we can go read about the food pandas eat again," Bo teased.
"No, no. I know what they eat already," Charlotte insisted.
"Alright then," Lauren knelt in front of her daughter who was sitting cross-legged in the wagon. "What do they eat?"
"People," the girl stated with grin.
As Lauren cocked an eyebrow, Bo prompted, "Try again, Sweetie."
"Sticks."
Kenzi shrugged and noted, "That's close enough."
"Bamboo, Charlotte," Lauren corrected. Smiling but confused, the blonde said, "I thought you were paying attention. I read about it several times."
"Doc, she's four. She does her itty bitty best," Kenzi replied as she ruffled the toddler's damp hair.
With an apologetic tone, the little girl said, "Sorry, Mama. I tried." Raising her arms in her aunt's direction, she asked politely, "Can I get out now, please?"
The woman chuckled as she lifted the girl, "You get your awesome fake paying attention face from me, but you surely don't get those manners from me."
"Fake paying attention face?" Bo inquired as she sipped from a half empty water bottle.
"Yeah," Kenzi thumbed toward the indoor exhibit, "the one she had in there- that cute look while Lauren was blah blah-ing about stuff."
Lauren wondered and asked Kenzi, "When do you use that face?"
"Wellll," Bo's friend stretched out the word before continuing, "Yesterday you were going on and on about neurons passing places. I got really lost and just thought about shoes and beer."
"But you were smiling as if you were interested."
"Yeah, I was thinking about sheik footwear. That always brings a smile to mah face."
"Passive neuronal displacement is highly fascinating when compared to active neuronal migration," the doctor defended.
Charlie pulled at the bottom of Lauren's denim shorts and assured her, "I think it's cool." Pointing to her pregnant mother, she added, "And Mommy thinks it's sexy."
"G-ross!" Kenzi exclaimed. She reprimanded her friend, "Don't say crap like that in front of her. Remember the first three letters?" She held up a fist and raised a finger for each letter she mouthed.
"Alright! Pandas!" Bo blurted hoping to draw her daughter's attention away from her aunt.
"They have black and white and black around their eyes," Charlie nodded as she grabbed Bo's hand.
"Like raccoons," Lauren added.
Scrunching up her face in disgust, the girl said, "Bleh raccoons. Auntie Kenzi says they're big fuzzy rats with eye patches and 'seases." Kenzi shuddered in agreement.
With a nod, the doctor replied, "They are relatively unsanitary."
Charlie pressed her lips together as she paused to think. Lauren adored that cute face of childish contemplation. "Does that mean gross?" the blonde girl finally asked.
"Yup. There's a new word for you," Bo stated. Both mothers loved expanding their daughter's vocabulary. Although she couldn't yet use them in sentences, she recognized them when others used them.
"Pirates have eye patches," Kenzi casually noted.
"Arrrr," Charlie growled in response.
"Put a little more old man smoker voice into it. Arrrr," Kenzi concluded in a raspy voice.
The toddler shook her head, yanked her hand from her mother's grasp and clarified with a finger pointed over Kenzi's right shoulder, "No. Arrrrr."
Following Charlie's finger, Bo mumbled and rolled her eyes, "You've got to be kidding me." The man and his son from earlier stood further down the sidewalk.
Although she felt her blood pressure rising, Lauren calmly said, "They are way over there and they appear to be walking away. We're fine."
As Charlie threw out yet another growl, Kenzi asked, "Anyone going to fill me in on the hatred of someone in that general direction?"
"He pushed me," Charlie narrowed her eyes. "And his daddy was mean to Mommy."
"Who did what now?" the woman asked with slight irritation.
"That little brat pushed her and his dad didn't do sh—stuff to stop him," Bo explained in a huff.
"So you punched his face right?" Kenzi asked expectantly. "Or kicked him in the dangles? Or took a two by four to his knee caps? No one pushes my Charlie!"
"No," Lauren responded. "I whittled him down to size."
"With words?" the other woman sighed in displeasure. "Big words the numb skull probably didn't even get?"
"It was funny," Charlie recalled. "He had this face." The girl dropped her jaw and turned her features to stone as if all understanding was stripped from her face.
"Well," Kenzi's brass knuckles appeared, "I'm going to do something super hilarious. It's time for a little nose blood courtesy of The Kenz."
"Kenzi, don't!" Bo warned as she snagged her friend by the arm. When she offered only a half-assed struggle, the brunette motioned to the metal knuckles, "Where the heck did those come from?"
Kenzi smirked, "Same place Tam Tam keeps her weird saw things."
"Up your butt?" Charlie suggested innocently.
"Pardon?" Lauren blurted with amusement.
Her daughter explained, "I asked Tammy where she keeps them. She said, 'Up your butt and around the corner'."
Bo and Kenzi snorted as Lauren let out a small chuckle. Kenzi pondered, "How old is our almost beloved, but definitely hated valkyrie? I heard that in elementary school."
Not understanding the humor, Charlie's gaze bounced back and forth between the three adults. Lauren said, "She was joking, Baby. She doesn't keep anything up her—"
"Butt," Charlie concluded.
Kenzi snarled, "That dude's about to have something up his."
"Kenzi!" Bo snapped.
As she begrudgingly shoved the weapon back into her jacket, the woman sighed, "Alright, alright. I do have to pee though."
"Nice try."
"What? Can't a girl pee?"
"It's super convenient that the dude is in the direction of the bathroom," Bo said.
Kenzi winked at Charlie as she shrugged, "Oh really? Ain't that the darndest thing."
"No," Lauren snipped.
"Gah," Kenzi threw up her hands in defeat. "Fine. You win. I'm sure the doc's verbal lashing was sufficient in a playground 'did too, did not' sort of way ."
"Yeah, it was," Charlie agreed as she trotted over to her aunt.
As the mothers exchanged a few words, Kenzi whispered in the little blonde's ear, "Distract them."
With a face set with determination, Charlotte nodded and asked over her shoulder, "Mommy, can we see the bears now?"
Thrilled that the threat of aggression had past, Bo clutched the wagon handle and answered, "Of course."
The four strolled toward the tall metal fence surrounding the habitat. Charlie caught sight of one of the giant animals. Hoping to keep her mothers occupied, she mentioned in a voice coated with worry, "Oh. They're big."
At that moment, the panda opened its mouth and yawned. "Ah!" Charlie screeched as she jumped behind Lauren's legs. As Kenzi slinked away with a smirk and a nod, Charlie whimpered, "He's gonna eat me."
Gently rubbing the girl's shoulder, the blonde said, "Sweetheart, he is not going to eat you. He is yawning, well technically, he is inhaling.
"No, no, no," she buried her face into her mother's hip. "Big teeth."
"Charlotte," Lauren attempted to wiggle out of the girl's clutches.
"No, no, no!"
"Hey, hey," Bo cooed as she ran her fingers through almost dry hair, "I'm not going to let it hurt you."
Peering upward at the brunette's face, the girl asked, "Where's your little sword?"
"It's at home. I can't bring it to the zoo."
"Oh, no! The bear's gonna get us!" Charlie gasped.
Trying to turn around, Lauren reminded the girl, "Your mommy doesn't need a dagger to protect us."
"Will you punch it?"
With a small smile, Bo replied, "In the face."
"The panda doesn't want to hurt you. He's sitting over there."
"Would you like to see it?" Bo offered.
"No," Charlie replied pointedly.
"You can smart off to the Morrigan but you can't look at a bear? C'mon." Bo scoffed playfully.
As she dropped the terrified kid act, the toddler released her mother, "Okay."
The newly freed woman pulled the girl into her arms and pointed, "See. He's way over there just looking around."
"Where did his teeth go?"
"His teeth are in his mouth," Lauren pecked her daughter on the cheek.
Now completely comfortable, the toddler grinned, "He's pretty cute."
"Nothing to be afraid of," Bo patted the girl's leg.
The family happily admired the bear for a few minutes until out of the corner of her eye, Charlie spotted her aunt returning with a sly look on her face. The girl smirked in response as Kenzi trotted toward the family with a nod. She had a plan. "Mama," the toddler inquired, "May I please have some ice cream? It would make me feel better after the scary panda."
As if on cue, Kenzi appeared at their side and added, "I'll take her. We'll be right back." She cocked her head to the side in concern and observed, "Bobo looks like she could use a little sit."
Appreciating her friend's thoughtfulness, Bo replied, "That would be awesome, Kenz." She turned to her wife for approval, "What do ya say, Hon?"
With a smile, Lauren set her daughter on the ground and nodded, "That is very sweet of you Kenzi. Charlotte, stay with your aunt and only one ice cream cone. Not two or three."
"Yes ma'am," the girl complied respectfully.
"Do you need some money, Kenzi?" Lauren asked.
"Nope," Kenzi waved a brown wallet, "This ice cream adventure brought to you by liberated wallet."
As Bo and Lauren exchanged an eye roll, the woman dropped the wallet into the open bag in the wagon. She glanced down at Charlie as the girl smiled up at her. She folded her hand around the toddler's and said, "Off we go on a very innocent journey to get some ice cream."
Waiting until they were out of earshot, Charlie pulled on Kenzi's hand and asked, "So, what's the plan, Auntie?"
"Thanks to you, I was able to figure out the best way to take down those two meanie heads." As the ice cream cart snuck into view, Kenzi plopped the girl on a nearby bench, whipped off the bandanna from around her dark hair and tied it around the girl's head. She explained softly, "You gotta be as sneaky as me." The woman shrugged out of her black jacket and pulled her companion's arms through the sleeves. "There we go, now that dic—douch—darn man and his pathetic excuse for a kid won't recognize you."
A wide grin popped on the toddler's face as she awaited Kenzi's meticulous instructions. They'd never messed up before and they sure as hell weren't going to now. "Are we going to do the 'Switcharoo' or the 'Get Outta Here'?"
Her aunt smirked and replied, "We're doing a beautiful mixture of both my little sidekick. Alright, you stay here and I'll drop it..." Kenzi lowered her voice as she explained the details of their plot.
Straightening up, Kenzi held out her hand for a firm hand shake. As Charlie pumped her hand up and down, the girl said firmly, "Удачи."
"We don't need it," Kenzi laughed. She turned on her heel and ambled toward the man and his son at the ice cream stand. She casually stood a few feet away from them and busied herself with her phone. As soon as she heard the ice cream associate thank the man, she threw herself into the man's back and yanked a wallet from his back pocket.
"Hey!" He set the ice cream on the cart and chased after the woman. "Bring back my wallet!" His son was hot on his heels.
The woman didn't walk but didn't quite run as she grazed past Charlie sitting on the bench. The wallet slid from her fingers and into the girl's lap. Instantly, the leather disappeared into the over-sized jacket.
Hearing the man's yells from behind her, Kenzi slowed down and allowed him to catch up. She groaned as she heard him screaming, "That bitch stole my wallet." She hoped he drew a lot of attention to himself. This is going to be glorious. A firm hand grabbed her shoulder and jerked her around, "Give me back my wallet!"
In a frazzled, Russian voice, the woman yelped, "I do not know what you talk about? I take no wallet."
"Great," the man spat, "a foreign bitch come to Canada and stealing shit."
Kenzi glanced past her accuser as Charlie walked over to the ice cream stand. With all eyes on the heated exchange, no one noticed as the girl carefully slid the abandoned chocolate ice cream cone off of the cart. Forcing back a smile, Kenzi continued, "I take no wallet, sir. I swear I take nothing. I come from hard life in Russia and hope things better here."
"You've got a sob story to go along with this?" the man boomed as the woman cowered before him. A small crowd had formed around the two as the man's son stood right by his side.
The woman raised her voice and pleaded, "I take nothing. Please believe me. I take nothing!"
Although her vision was blocked by the cluster of people around Kenzi and the irate father, Charlotte smiled hearing the woman's random Russian words interspersed with her loud insistence of her innocence. Careful not to smear the dessert on her nose and chin, the blonde took small calculated licks of ice cream as her little legs dangled and swung under the bench.
A few moments later, the girl heard her aunt scream, "Police! Police help me!" That was her cue. Charlie slid off the bench and sprinted to the crowd with the half-eaten ice cream in tow.
The man agreed, "Yeah. That's exactly what we need. Someone call security." A few people shuffled out of the group and sought out zoo security personnel.
When Charlie elbowed her way to the front of the circle and Kenzi caught sight of her, the woman raised her voice, "You are bad man!" She wagged a finger in the man's face. Shocked by the woman's sudden aggressive tone, he took a step back. "I've had enough with bad men. I say I take nothing! I will cut balls off if you hurt me!" As she continued ranting, she slowly backed him right into Charlie.
Kenzi leaped forward and smacked him across the face just as the little girl slid the wallet back into his pocket. If the Russian woman hadn't immediately retreated, the man would have clocked her in the jaw. Instead, he screamed, "Don't hit me, bitch!"
"What's going on here?" a male guard held back the furious father and glanced at the frantic woman.
"That bitch took my wallet!"
"I did nothing! I did nothing!" Kenzi folded her hands together and smashed them to her chest as if terrified.
Unclear as to how to proceed, the guard asked the most obvious question, "Sir, where did you last see your wallet?"
Charlie peeked out from behind the guard and the father and gave her aunt a thumbs up. Although bursting with pride and amusement, Kenzi retained her hysterical demeanor.
The father groaned, "I had it in my back pocket. She—" As his hand patted the back of his jeans, he stammered when he felt the familiar lump, "Sh—sh—she took it." He pulled the wallet out and insisted, "I know she took it."
"Well, sir, you appear to have it now."
"He hurt me," Kenzi accused as she massaged her left arm.
A second guard appeared and asked, "Is that true? Did anyone see it?"
"I did!" Charlotte piped up. "I saw him hit her on the arm." Kenzi chuckled. Who wouldn't believe that cute face?
Before the man turned around, he gasped, "What? No! She smacked me!"
"No, I saw it too." A random man stepped forward in Kenzi's defense. Within seconds, five other people gave their verbal agreement. They each smiled in Kenzi's direction.
Convinced of the man's violent behavior, the two guards grabbed the man and ordered, "We're going to have to ask you to leave."
"What? Why?" the father struggled as they slowly dragged him away cursing and yelling. "She took it! I know she took it!"
As the crowd parted, Kenzi walked over to the beaming blonde. Charlie almost jumped for joy when the little boy glanced over his shoulder and recognized her.
"Thanks for the ice cream!" Charlie yelled as the boy gritted his teeth in anger. The girl resumed licking the chocolate delight out of the cone as the remainder of the spectators dispersed.
Kenzi knelt down and grinned, "We're so kick ass, man."
"Get outta here!" Charlie joked as she flicked her hand toward the man and his son.
"Kenzi! Charlie!" Bo yelled from behind them. As she and Lauren jogged over to them, she asked, "What was that? We heard screaming."
As she stood up, Kenzi shrugged, "No clue. Some idiot got dragged off by the zoo po-po. Epic."
"And I got ice cream!" Charlie declared.
"Well aren't you happy," Lauren noted with a smile.
"Girl likes her ice cream," Kenzi offered. She looked down at the girl who grinned up at her. No matter how much this kid pissed her off sometimes, she just couldn't get enough of her. Judging by the smile on the toddler's remarkably clean face, she enjoyed their adventures too.
"Hey, Kenz," Bo asked. "Why is Charlie wearing your jacket and bandanna?"
With a sweeping motion in Charlie's direction, the woman replied, "I'm sure you remember Mini Kenzi."
Like I said- a little off the wall, but hopefully it amuses you guys. Thank you so, so much for reading. Even if it takes me awhile to update, your encouragement really means a lot. I'm glad that my random drivels entertain you guys.
Удачи is Russian for "good luck".
