LL Chapter 12
External Musings
I was sitting in my room on my bed. I was just sitting there with my forehead resting on my knees. I did not even remember getting home or the drive here. All I knew is that I had been sitting here for about two hours already lost in my head.
I was brought out of my thoughts by someone knocking on my door. My first inclination was to ignore whoever it was. I was not in the mood to be bothered or to be sociable even with my family. But then I thought that it could be Bella. I know she had seen me flee the diner earlier, so I called out to whoever it was to enter. It was just my nosy sister Alice.
"You look disappointed that it's just little ole me. I don't think that I really have to ask who you were hoping it would be."
"I don't think that you really know anything."
"I know that I saw you come out of Bella's room last night or should I say this morning."
"Do not go there Alice! I was just helping her with Tanya for a minute."
"At three AM?"
"Yes, Alice. Newborn babies do have this nasty habit of waking up in the middle of the night. Anyways, the only reason that she asked me to help is that I was the only one home last night. She had to use the bathroom and needed someone to hold Tanya for a minute."
"Ok. But be careful ok. I mean she has a kid, Edward. She's exactly the kind of girl that you have been dead set on avoiding."
"Alice, I really think that you need to mind your own business. Did she join you and Rose yesterday for that girlie stuff?"
"No. She didn't, but I could hear that baby fussing in her room so I figured that she was too busy. Whatever."
"Be nice to her, Alice, ok? And the baby has a name. It's Tanya."
"Why are you defending her all of a sudden?" she narrowed her eyes at me. I knew that she was extremely suspicious of my change in attitude.
"Let's just say that I think that I was dead wrong about her and leave it at that."
"But—"
"No Alice. I'm not going to tell you why I think that."
"Mom wanted to know if you are coming down for dinner."
"I'm not hungry."
"Bella will be back by then if that changes your answer."
"It definitely does not."
"Fine!"
"She's not back yet?"
"No. It's Sunday."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well DUH! Even I know that she has group with Rose on Sundays."
"Yeah, right. Group."
And she left the room with a smirk on her face. I just remained sitting there. There was no way that I was going down to dinner tonight whether Bella was there or not. I was barely keeping down the tiny bit of my lunch that I did eat due to my guilt. I sat there for a while longer thinking about my behavior. About how horrible I had been to her. I made two concrete decisions while sitting there about something that I needed to do and something that I wanted to do. First, I needed to apologize to her for my nasty behavior. Second, I wanted to become her friend. I mean the girl was wicked smart. I mean she did manage to show me up in class more than once. Not to mention the knowledge and work ethic she showed just working on this project with me was beyond incredible.
I was tempted to turn on my radio but I was afraid that if I did then I wouldn't hear her come upstairs. I did not want to have this conversation with her with an audience. It was a private conversation and I wanted to keep it that way. I laid down on the bed on my side and closed my eyes and decided to just wait for Bella to come back and then I would go to her and make my amends.
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew it was dark outside and there was a soft knocking on my door. Again I called for whoever it was to come in. This time it was Bella. I sat up quickly turning on the light blinding myself completely.
She stood at the foot of my bed rocking from one foot to another.
"You weren't at dinner. Your mom said that you weren't feeling well."
"Don't worry. I'm not sick or anything. I just wasn't hungry."
"Oh. Uh. I didn't know you were at the diner today til you ran out." She was staring at the floor.
"Yeah. I was about to make my presence known and scare off the tramp twins when your dad came in."
"Oh. Well. Have you ever heard the saying that the truth will set you free?"
"Yes."
"Well, nothing they can say hurt me unless I let them hurt me. They don't know the truth. I do. I take solace in many of the truths in my life so they can judge me and say whatever they whatever they want about me." She was actually smiling as she said this.
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?"
"Sorry that I misjudged you. I'm sorry for the nasty things that I said both to your face and behind you back. But most of all I am sorry for what you went through."
Her smile was gone in an instant. "What the hell do you know about what I went through?"
I had not intended to go here with her today. I wanted to prove to her that she could trust me first. "I have some ideas. I'm not stupid. There is a reason that you are in a victim's group Bella. And there are little comments that you've made that when added up can only lead to one conclusion."
"I'm not ashamed of what happened. It wasn't my fault." Great. Now I had made her start crying.
"I didn't saw that you should be or that it was. I just want to be your friend."
"Yeah, right. Sure you do. Why would you want to be friends with me?"
"Because you remind me a lot of me and I'm amazing."
"And conceited, too." She started laughing.
"Hey, I got you to laugh though, didn't I?"
"Yes. And very few people accomplish that these days. You really want to be my friend?"
"Yeah. I do."
"I don't have many friends anymore. In fact my only friends, outside what's left of my family, are Rose and Angie."
"I think that it is time that we change that then."
She got up to leave the room saying that she had promised my mom she was only going to take a quick shower when she left Tanya downstairs with her. I told her not to worry about it. The real problem was going to be getting the baby back from my mom.
She stopped right before she closed the door and turned back into the room blurting out "Thanks."
"For what?"
"For apologizing. For wanting to be my friend. For not asking me about what happened. I mean, I just talk about it so much in therapy and group. I get tired of having to relive it all the time."
"You're welcome. I won't ask you tell me any details but I do hope that one day you will trust me enough to confide in me."
"Maybe." Was all that she said and then she was gone and I was alone with my thoughts again. She was a lot stronger than I had given her credit for but now I was angry. I just prayed that she had been strong enough to see that the asshole was rotting in prison.
A/N:
Edward is maturing. I should get another out tomorrow sometime. My son is going out of town with my mom tomorrow through next Wednesday. That is if he lives til tomorrow. I took him to get a hair cut last night, and mind you the boy is 13, well, he turned to me in the middle of the salon and told me that I needed a hair cut too because I was starting to look like Severus Snape. Yeah, I was not inclined to say yes when he asked for Mc Donald's on the way home. Anyway, I might be able to actually write this weekend. And I guess I should put that pesky disclaimer that I own nothing this all belongs to SM?
