Hey everyone! Thank you all so much for the incredible feedback on last chapter! It's so great to see that you liked it mostly since I was so nervous about that chapter! I'm grateful for every single one of you. Your reviews and alerts make my day, I hope you know that! :) Thanks to everyone who left an anonymus or guest review as well, your support means everything to me! :)
Now, about the new chapter, it is official that I can't do a chapter in under a week… I swear I tried really hard but something comes up every time. Shortly, I had a crazy week also I have one ahead of me… But, I really truly hope you will like the chapter! :)
I'm sorry for mistakes, I checked it but I had to finish it in a rush so there might be some errors by the end. Thank you for understanding! :)
Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own in…
Chapter 12
Kate was running. Running away as fast as she could, dodging between cars as she crossed streets, not looking where she went just fleeing from all that was behind her. Wishing that she could flee from the thoughts swirling inside her head just like that as well.
She ignored them, repressing every emotion, straining her muscles to go faster, to run harder.
The Sun started to rise and its weak beams caused stripes on everything she was speeding by.
Her lungs felt closed, her heart cold and unmoving like a rock. Air, she needed air. She needed to get free of the weight that was on her, squashing her to death.
People yelled at her as she sprinted by them but she didn't care, cars honked and she dared them to hit her. She wouldn't even mind it... She just wanted this to end, she needed it to end. But life wasn't taking mercy on her, it wasn't that easy. Whatever God was in charge of everything in the universe decided that she hadn't suffered enough yet.
She left the busy streets of downtown and as she crossed a main road a bus went past her, only missing her by a couple of feet. Her head was spinning as she looked back, heart thumping so hard in her chest that she thought it would explode. Her mind was blissfully blank as she slowed down to a jog, noticing and immediately recognizing the place in front of her.
She crossed the huge, iron gates and walked into the cemetery that she knew so well. She strolled between the graves with familiarity, knowing her way around from the many visits to her mother's grave. Her chest was heaving and she felt her throat burn, her cheek flush from the rush.
She found her way to the one grave she knew so much, the carved letters were still, like every time she saw them, a punch in her gut.
Vincit omnia veritas. Truth conquers all.
Kate fell to her knees beside the tombstone, her feet too weak to keep her upright and it all came down on her. She couldn't pretend to be strong anymore, right there next to her mother's grave she gave in to the urge to let go. She closed her eyes and allowed her walls to come down, her emotions to overtake her. She felt tears behind her shut eyelids and she let them fall. She let them slide down her cheeks because it was just too much to take. It was refreshing at first, being able to let go but as everything she had suppressed for so long surfaced her crying became heavier and more desperate. Soon violent, heart wrenching sobs were shaking her body uncontrollably, making Kate bend towards the ground.
She didn't know who she was anymore and that made her scared. It made her feel nauseous about herself. Just to think about who she had become. What she had become. A killer. A heartless, cold blooded, cruel assassin. Who was she? She killed so many people, sometimes not even thinking at all while doing it, never having any doubts. She always told herself they had it coming. But now, she was far too deep. She killed that man without thinking, she just killed him. Sliced his throat when he didn't do anything…
Who had she become?
"I'm so sorry, Mom!" she whimpered when she was able to catch her breath, then it all closed around her again and she sank back into the darkness of it.
Her mother was so good. A beam of sunlight, sweet and caring. Always fair, always teaching her to be helpful and nice. Always wanting justice.
And what was Kate doing now? She was killing people, she was murdering them for a living. Johanna would be so ashamed of her. And that made Kate's heart clench painfully. She just wanted to get justice for her mom, then she wanted to be the best. Just like she promised…
When did this become so wrong? Why didn't she notice it?
With previous targets she had a morbid, twisted right to end their lives, she was just an executor, the one who did the dirty job. She had an assignment to do it. Of course deep down she knew it wasn't right, she knew that it didn't matter if she was the best her job was inhuman and despicable. Assassins were ruthless and calculating. They were nefarious, invertebrate.
She could ignore all doubts, she could repress every feeling, she could lie to herself as much as she wanted but in the end she became the lowest of all. A murderer.
She was trembling with all her body, her head dizzy and her lungs dry, panting for air.
Through her tears she looked at the stone in front of her, on the date that changed her life. January 9th 1999. The day her old life turned upside down, the day new Kate was born. The day that led her to become who she was today.
What had she become?
She killed that man without a second thought because she believed him to be the one who ordered Castle's murder. She was led by the sudden wave of need to protect the writer and she didn't look for proof. She had no right to kill him, not even as much as with previous targets. He wasn't a target. He was innocent… She killed a completely innocent man.
Bile rose in her throat at that thought.
She never wanted it to end like this. She never wanted to be this person. She never thought she would be the one who killed without reason. Who killed at all...
And the worst of all was that she never even realized it. She never stopped to think it over. She was blinded by her lo… her feelings for Castle. She was driven by the need to protect him, the need to get this whole thing over with because she felt that it was dangerous. He was becoming too important to her. She wanted it to be over so she could disappear and get as far away from Castle as possible until her feelings faded.
And she was so sure it would be over, she was so certain that killing White Shark would end this mess. That she would save Castle and be able to vanish afterwards. But she was so wrong, she made mistake after mistake ever since she got this job and now she made the biggest of them all and killed an innocent man.
Previously she was an enforcer, she did what she was paid for. Now, she was dirty. She was a simple, loathsome murderer.
The word echoed in Kate's mind over and over again, every time it felt like a stab in her heart. She was no more than a criminal.
Kate sniffled, trying to even her breathing but she spiraled back down into self hatred and devastation every time.
After some time she didn't even try to fight the stream of thoughts. She just allowed them to wash over her, to defeat her and she surrendered. She was kneeling in front of the grave that signified her mother in this physical world, and she gave up pretending. She had to accept what she had become. A horrible, dreadful, broken person.
And as she knelt there, suddenly a thought cut through her misery and Kate almost fainted as it registered in her mind.
Castle! This whole thing was to protect him. She killed that innocent man in order to protect his life and in the process she exposed herself to the real employer. And Castle was in danger again.
"Damn it!" Kate hissed as she realized that she was so immersed in her own anguish to think about that. His life was still threatened, even more because now the man who wanted him dead knew for sure what Kate was doing. Castle was vulnerable and defenseless and for all Kate knew the city's most savage thug could be after him while she was crying in front of her mother's grave. As the voice in the phone said it was so not over yet…
And now Kate knew for sure that she couldn't lose Castle. It wasn't just her conscience anymore, it wasn't just about protecting a man who didn't do anything wrong or the father of a young girl. It was about herself as well. She killed an innocent man in this battle, she became who she never wanted to be and it was the least she could do to bring some kind of justice to him with catching the man she was supposed to kill in order to save Castle. Also, though she was reluctant to accept it, she discovered strong and deep feelings for Castle which were harder and harder to deny any longer… She couldn't lose him.
She got up from the ground, dusted off her jeans and wiped her face. Her thoughts were running again, panic settling in the pit of her stomach. With one last glance at her mother's grave Kate turned and started for the gates of the cemetery again.
She was running again, deciding that she didn't have any time to waste. It was possible that she was already too late but she refused to consider that as an option. He had to be all right! He had to be okay...
The streets weren't crowded yet, only the earliest risers were out and Kate slalomed between them, dashing in the direction of the closest metro station. As the vehicle rolled in she leaped forward, getting on it and tapping her foot on its floor impatiently when it didn't start soon enough for her liking. There were plenty of empty seats to sit but Kate was too alert, too nervous to even think about sitting down so she just paced the length of the car, not caring about the weird looks she got from the few passengers. As soon as the doors slid open Kate was out of the underground, running across the vast space of the station and up the stairs.
Her legs were hurting as she hastened down his street but she willed them to move, to take her to his building faster.
By the time she arrived in his street, her mouth was dry and she was exhausted. She knew perfectly well that if she had to fight with anyone in that moment she would lose. She wouldn't be able to protect him, but she pushed that thought to the back of her mind, only slowing her sprint when she was in front of his house. She went inside and climbed the stairs with record speed her ears strained to hear any sound of trouble.
She paused in front of his door and acknowledged the sense of déja vu as she caught her breath before knocking.
The corridor was deadly silent and she prayed to God that she wouldn't find him lying on the ground inside. Her hand was shaking as she lifted it to the wooden surface of the door and she knocked twice. When she pulled her hand back she noticed the little red streak on her palm. Kate shuddered as she realized that it was blood and she quickly wiped her hand into her jeans. She looked down at herself and much to her own horror she saw small spots of the same color on her jacket as well. No wonder people were eyeing her suspiciously on the subway. She remembered clearing the knife in her victim's shirt then putting it back into her inside pocket so she wasn't worried about leaving evidence behind, but she could have been a bit more cautious.
Kate stared at the door for a moment then knocked again, her heartbeat fastening as her mind was invaded with unwelcome thoughts. Please, don't let me be too late! Please don't let him be hurt..., she repeated like a mantra.
She exhaled slowly and reached into her pocket for her lock pick when again there was no response from the loft. She could hear her pulse drumming in her ear as she pushed the small metal into the lock, feeling around with it until it got stuck. Then she reached for the other part of the lock pick, her fingers trembling, making it hard to get it out of the package.
She still didn't let desperation take over her mind just because he didn't open the door instantly, she knew that it was late at night. Or frankly, it was early… He was most probably asleep, or at least in bed. But malevolent thoughts kept flowing back, like a river of darkness, making her head dizzy and uncertain.
She finally managed to put the other metallic part into the lock as well, her vision a bit blurry from her tears. What would she do if she was already too late? Could she take it? How could it all go wrong so fastly?
Her eyes were focused on the lock and she worked the lock pick around, huffing in annoyance when it didn't open the door at first. She was usually better than this…
Kate tried again and felt the lock give in. She stared at the lock pick still clutched between her shaking fingers before she pushed the door slightly open, just a small gap through which she could enter. It was dark inside but the streetlights gave enough light for her to see the shapes in the apartment. She walked along the entry hall leading to the living room and her numb mind replayed the events of few hours ago when she first set foot in his home. She was swift and silent, moving like a shadow. She reached the couch and stopped, looking around and listening, fearing the worst but at the same time deep down still hoping that nothing bad happened. She saw some light coming from a room which looked like a study and she started towards it. She was halfway to the door, watching the ground as she stepped when the light was blocked by a bulky figure and Kate's breath hitched in her lungs.
There was a completely motionless second while she felt eyes on herself and her heart was racing with full force. Please don't let him be hurt!
She looked up in the same moment a voice spoke up, the soft, slightly sleepy tone familiar and full of emotion.
"Hey!" Castle said and he didn't even sound surprised. Kate looked up into his sparkling blue eyes, not able to refuse the temptation any more. Hearing his voice, full and healthy was a weight off her mind. A weight even heavier than she realized before.
His eyes were a bit hazy but he looked at her with interest and something like tenderness in them. Her heart skipped a beat then rattled in her chest wildly like a bird in a cage as she took him in, her eyes traveling his form, carefully making sure that he was in fact unharmed. He was wearing the same grey T-shirt as before, his hair disheveled like he had been tossing in bed for hours. His eyes held millions of questions but he didn't voice any of them, he was just standing there in the doorway of his study (was he writing in there?) , looking at her. Waiting for her to say something, to explain it. His gaze was open with just the hint of worry and it cracked her.
She took off, moving like a bullet through air, crossing the distance between them as relief flooded her whole system at seeing him alive. Without warning she threw herself at him, closing her arms around his neck so tightly that she felt him tense up. Kate knew this was unlike her, it was unlike any reaction that could have been expected from her in this situation. She, the tough, badass assassin shouldn't have let anything or anyone get this close to her. She shouldn't have an outburst of emotions like this. He was probably beyond confused since they barely even knew each other. But Kate couldn't help it, nor the tears that welled up in her eyes again as she held onto him.
"Thank God you're okay..." she murmured into his neck and a warmness spread in her body when she felt his arms come up around her middle. He hugged her back, this broad chest pressing into her, assuring her that he was really fine.
His hands stroked her waist gently, calming her without really knowing what she was so upset about and Kate couldn't take it anymore. The solace of the loft, the smells of a home and the strongness of his embrace was too much and tears sprung to her eyes, her body shaking wave after wave. She couldn't believe that she almost killed this man. This wonderful man who was consoling her in the middle of the night in his own apartment, to where she just broke in. Consoling her when only a few hours ago she was after him and wanted to shoot him. She had been through Hell that day and it all came down on her as she stood in his embrace.
"Shh...it's okay!" Castle whispered into her hair. He held her protectively and she snuggled into him, hiding her face in his shoulder. They stood like that for moments, Kate trembling like a leaf but Castle still didn't say anything, didn't move an inch. When at last she pulled back he didn't let go of her and Kate's stomach fluttered excitedly. She reached out and cupped his face softly, their eyes meeting and finally she gave in. She didn't try to deny or fight the feelings she felt for him. For the first time she let him see her, fully and without walls. There she stood, still so close to him that he could make out the teardrops on her eyelashes but she didn't back away. Instead she leaned forward and brushed her lips ever so lightly against his. It was tentative and shy but when he responded Kate became more and more urgent, putting her every fear and pain and relief into the kiss. One arm tightened around her and he lifted his other hand to tangle his fingers in her hair, tilting her head a bit so he could have better access to her mouth. Kate moaned as their tongues danced and she wound her arms around his neck, pushing her body flush against his.
She knew there were things that needed to be talked about. His life was still in danger, now probably hers too. But she didn't have it in herself to refuse what she needed so much. She needed him and clearly he was thinking along the same lines because he took a slow step backwards, pulling her with him towards the study in the probable direction of his bedroom.
She let go of his neck and started to tug his shirt up and over his head, throwing it on the floor as they crossed the study. She helped him with getting rid of her own clothing and let out a contented sigh when his hot, soft lips met the skin of her neck, his arms circling her hips and pulling her into him again.
The world was still dark and it was all still wrong, but in that moment she let go of it all and focused on his lips against her, on his hair between her fingers and on his low growl resonating through his chest when she ran her hand down his chest. Because they deserved this night before facing the enemy. They deserved this night of bliss to remember in the worst times. To have something to remind them, that there was something worthy of fighting for. Kate needed to believe in that, and in that moment, as the bedroom door shut closed behind them she did believe in it.
So, this was it. Not exactly the way I planned to finish this chapter but then it kind of got out of a hand a little… What do you think? I'm dying to hear your opinion so please write me a few words in a review! It would be dearly appreciated! :)
Thank you all for reading and reviewing! I hope you liked the chapter!
Next chapter will be up in a week for sure, but I will try my best and if some miracle occurs it will be up even sooner! :)
Until then, xxx
