Sorry Everyone. Life really kicks ass sometimes. I've not had a lot of free time what with work and acting classes and trying to work on as many movie sets as I can. whenever I do have free time I'm usually so depressed or anxious that I cant write. I don't really think this chapter turned out well but I was stuck on it for so long I decided just to say fuck it and throw it out there. I set it up for the next chapter to have a very guided story. The games will allow me to stress less I think. Ill try to keep posting if you guys are still out there reading.
XOXO RED.
I hadn't thought beyond going to the infirmary. Now outside the infirmary door I find all my determination and indignation faltering. I don't know if Cooper will be awake at this hour or what I could say to him that wouldn't just add insult to injury literally. I wait with my hand hovering over the doorknob for a few moments hoping that inspiration or understanding will bloom in my mind but the panic and guilt aren't creating fertile grounds and I let my hand fall back to my side. I press my head to the cold wood of the door and squeeze my eyes closed. I can do this,I need to but I can't move towards entering the room.
I feel a presence behind me and I know who it is without looking. There's only one person it could be. I dont have the energy to talk to him right now but I force air from my lungs anyway. My words are mumbled and lethargic.
"What do you want Eric? Actually don't answer that I couldn't believe what you said anyway."
I know I'm being combative and difficult but I honestly don't know how to be anything else. He kissed me he showed me a softness that melted away everything I feared and then he betrayed my trust. In the span of ten minutes I gained and lost the person I thought might really understand me and I can't let him that close to me again. I can't let anyone that close to me again.
"It's easier if you open the door first"
His voice is deep and cold, nothing like the way he was speaking to me by the chasm. He has put his walls back up just like I have and the distance between us feels unrecoverable.
"I'm working up to it, why did you follow me?"
I still can't turn to look at him. I know that if I do I'll lose any ability I have to stand my ground. I hear the rustling of fabric as he shifts his stance behind me. I focus on the noise to try and steady my heart beat.
"I knew where you were going. It's going to be hard to deal with this Phoenix. Harder still to look at it. If you were anyone else I'd probably make you go in there just to see what it does to you. You're not just anyone though... or so I'm realizing. I know you're mad about what you heard but if you could see where I'm coming from you'd know why I wanted to protect you from this."
I have to turn around now as the outrage transfuses under my skin sending new life into my frozen limbs.
"I don't need your protection! I don't want it! That decision wasn't yours to make. I'm sick of being lied to. Everything I've ever believed about myself and about my life has been a lie. I'm not even a redhead and as trivial as that detail is it was part of my identity that I never had reason to question and now I've found out that it was a just another part of the elaborate illusion built around me.
I did this Eric. I put him in there and I made him factionless. That is real. That is part of who I am now and its part that I can trust to be true. I'm going to have to live it with because I remember it. You can't protect me from who I am or what I've done and the fact that you tried to is insulting."
The pitch of my voice got steadily deeper as I finished speaking my piece. Seeing his face is just as difficult as I knew it would be. He stands before me stoic and guarded and The ghost of his kiss is still fresh on my skin. The contrast is dizzying and I don't know now how I want this to turn out. He shifts his weight around uncomfortably on his feet and pushes air out through his nose. When he speaks again his hand is absently rubbing at the back of his neck.
"Your right."
The words don't pass through his lips easily and the intensity with which he studies the stone floors only makes him seem more wounded. Eric never agrees with me. Most of what we have said to each other has been challenges and one ups. Anything to prevent the other from winning. I don't know what to think about this but I can't help feeling suspicious. I fold my arms over my chest and wait. I won't say anything to that. I won't let him manipulate me. He lifts a hand to run through his dark shaggy locks at the top of his head and I see the rubber band he took from my hair wrapped around his wrist. My heart aches like it's reaching for him I squeeze my arms tighter around my chest.
"Look I'm not going to apologize. If I could do it again I'd do it the same way and it's important you understand this about me. I have done terrible things Nix. I have to live with those memories and they will follow me for the rest of my mind is a blank canvas. You've just started to paint the picture of who you are of what you want to become and you're trying to fill every inch of space with regrets. Do you honestly want to remember getting those scars? Don't you think that maybe you're better off not having to relive that kind of pain over and over again. What about this shit with Cooper? Why are you trying to do this to yourself now? Your an initiate you did what you were told why do you insist on taking responsibility for it? It's not a burden you want to carry. The longer you live with it the heavier it gets. Not the other way around."
I study the ground by his feet while I digest what he said. Eric is hinting at what everyone else fears about him. The things he has done that he doesn't want to remember. I want to ask him what they are but I know without trying that he isn't going to tell me. If he wanted me to know he would have been more specific than ' bad things'. He thinks I'm being masochistic that I'm seeking out unnecessary pain. He's wrong I'm seeking out the truth whether its pretty or not. I am not afraid of the pain that comes from seeing the underbelly of life. I'm afraid of being the fool who can't see it until its crushed her.
"Eric, You're looking at me but you're only seeing yourself. You think you can spare me whatever it is you torment yourself with? You think that just because you're my instructor you can say I wasn't responsible for what happened today and I'll just believe you? I could have told you to fuck off and not fought. I could have evaded him for longer until he was too tired to fight. I could have done a hundred things differently but I didn't because they never occurred to me. Not until he was laying on the ground by my feet. Underneath it all I am ruthless and I have to accept that. I don't have to like it but I have to see what I really am if I ever want to make it through initiation with my mind still intact.
You think you'd rather forget but you don't know what it's like to feel this empty. To be so detached from everything around you, everything that's happened to you. I have to rely on the people who knew me for every piece of information I have about myself. Can you even imagine only knowing who your parents are because you were told, then having to figure out years later if that was the truth in the first place? I'm not looking for pain I'm looking for answers. I want to understand the pieces that add up to Phoenix. I want to see the outcome of my actions. I want to know something for certain just once in my goddamn is no hiding from reality. Ignorance is no comfort to me. Most importantly you can't carry my burdens for me. You cannot take responsibility for my actions I don't care if your my instructor and my leader."
A small smile plays on the corners of Eric's mouth as he looks me over. His devious knowing eyes are cast in shadow under the glow of the blue light above the door.
"You sound like an Erudite. Knowledge is always best, ignorance is harmful. You sure have a drive for answers. Especially for someone who keeps insisting to me that they are 'already Dauntless'."
My heart races. I need to be more careful I'm giving away my Divergence without realizing it. All I've been doing the past few days is searching out information feeding on knowledge and it never once occurred to me that Dauntless wouldn't do that. Before I can try and cover for my slip up Eric begins speaking again.
"Look you want to go in there and see Cooper you're going to need my help. Visiting hours are over. Meg is a brutal woman and she will throw you out on your ass if I don't walk in there and tell her not to."
"What's in it for you."
"Why do I have to have an ulterior motive?"
"Because your Eric and everything you do is calculated and significant"
He doesn't respond right away and I think I've caught him when he shakes his head at me rubbing at his chin thoughtfully.
"If everything I do is calculated then what was the significance of what just happened at the chasm."
All the air in my lungs escapes me and I fix my eyes on the ceiling. I had tried to steer clear of this in our conversation. I don't know what to say or think or do about it and I need more time to decide. He is looking at me expectantly like he wants me to understand and I can't ignore him without losing. Here we are again competing with each other for the upper hand. Maybe he does this deliberately and if he does it's incredibly effective because I start answering him without an answer in my mind.
"I'm not stupid. What just happened wouldn't have if you were sober. You let your guard down and I pressed your buttons to see how I could make you react. I don't even think we'd be having this conversation now if you weren't still a little tipsy. I dont think it meant anything to you just a temporary solution to your continual loneliness."
For the smallest of moments he looks wounded then as if it never happened he is walking passed me and into the infirmary. His voice is saturated with pure Eric venom once again.
"Well since you're so smart let me know when you figure out my motivations for this "
His voice may be controlled and icey but his movements are heated and quick. The heavy door crashes open as Eric wraps his strong hand around my bicep pulling me in front of him roughly and throwing me loose into the infirmary. Before I have a chance to catch my balance he is behind me again shoving me forward forcing me to stumble into a stone counter top smacking my arm against its unforgiving edges. I hiss in pain as he barks out orders behind me.
"I said move initiate. You don't want to fight anymore huh? Let's see if you still feel that way after this. You want to know what it looks like to be factionless little girl? Do you want to see what will happen to you if you give up like a coward."
Meg comes bustling out of the back of the infirmary with purpose she looks half awake and disheveled. Her eyes are wide with panic and anger as she storms up to us.
"What in gods name do you think you are doing barging in here at this hour Eric?"
"Remember who you are talking to Megara. I have a sniveling little initiate who needs to learn a lesson. Do you intend to get in my way?"
Meg looks like she'd rather skin herself than let Eric get what he wants but she must know better than to challenge him because she steps out of his way and glares daggers at the back of his head. When her eyes fall on me they fill with sympathy. She obviously doesn't have the slightest idea that Eric is doing all of this to help me. When I don't follow him Eric comes storming back over to me. He wraps a hand around the back of my neck and leans to whisper in my ear.
"Wince like you're in pain then stumble forward with me. "
I let a sharp hiss pass through my teeth and try to walk forward as if I'm delirious with fear. I feel like a fool but Meg stares at the floor in disgust so I must be a decent actor after all. As soon as we enter the small curtained off cube where Cooper is sleeping Eric releases me pulling the curtain closed behind us with a sharp flick of his wrist. He taps his ear and then points out of the curtain and I know that he means to tell me that Meg can still hear us. Eric peeks between the curtains and I watch him watching Meg. I can't look at Cooper yet I've come all the way here and I'm still not ready. If it weren't for Eric I'd probably still be standing outside the door helplessly. He turns back towards me and nods.
"She's gone back into her office. She's probably going to be mad at me for at least a week. She hates when I'm mean to initiates in her infirmary."
"Gee what a pity."
My sarcastic mumble is met with a sharp glare.
"I have exactly 5 people in this entire compound who aren't afraid of me. One is my boss and two possibly three of the remaining four hate my guts. Meg actually tries to treat me like a person and I didn't just piss her off on a whim. So if you can't appreciate that then at least have some respect."
"Am I one of the 5 people you listed?"
"Yes"
"So am I that 'possibly three' gut hater?"
Eric doesn't say anything he just looks at me defiantly.
"Do what ever you came here to do. I've got shit to do."
He throws himself into the chair that sits beside Coopers bed with as much grace as a bag of bricks. Following his movement lead my eyes to the unconscious boy that's been here the whole time and the knife blade of guilt twists in my abdomen. He looks so fragile laying under the white sheet before me. His skin is almost as pale as the opaque liquid dripping into his veins. I can see the alien shape of metal behind his lips the wiring that hold his jaw together in the wake of our fight. There is a hole in his throat where a tube protrudes like a snake leaving his esophagus. his eyes are closed and I see the thick lashes laying against the bruises under his eyes. His face is so swollen that he hardly resembles his twin. I hadn't thought of it before but I just separated these brothers. I lean against his bed rail forcing my eyes open to witness what I've done and I have to swallow the lump in my throat several times before I feel I can speak.
"I'm a monster."
"We all are."
"Is this what it means to be Dauntless?"
I need him to tell me that there is more to Dauntless than this. I need to hear him say that it will get better but as silence stretches between us my hope dwindles.
"You just have to hold onto your reasons. When you do things that you don't think you can live with it's why you did them that matters. There are monsters in every faction."
He sounds like he is speaking from experience and I want to believe him. I want to be able to let this go but I'm still looking at the fragments of the boy in front of me and I can't wrap my head around anything that could justify this.
"Tell me, why did I do this Eric?"
"Because you had to. It was you or him and you choose to survive."
I let out an indignant laugh. The disgust I feel only slightly lessened. He's right that I chose to survive to stay here at Dauntless for another day but that's all it got me. Tomorrow I could be the one in this bed and then I'll have done this for nothing.
"That's selfish and cruel and if I don't make it then it won't have mattered"
"Good, then you have motivation to keep going. Make sure it matters. Besides this isn't abnegation and cruelty is in the eye of the beholder."
I let go of my pain for the briefest moment when he misquotes Amity in such a Dauntless way. I let out a single breathy chuckle but it feels cathartic and I look up at him to correct him.
"Beauty."
"What?"
"The quote, it's from Amity. Its beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
Eric looks confused but then he disregards my statement choosing instead to examine his finger nails.
"Yeah well Beauty is for apple pickers and banjo strummers, I made it Dauntless."
"That you did."
I feel a sense of closure settling in the room. The beeping of machines and the drip of liquids becoming a soft melody of peaceful acceptance. Cooper is going to be okay physically, as for his life with the factionless I can't say but I can't make it my responsibility to worry about him. There is too much else for me to think about. I have to stay here I have to find out who I am and why my memories were erased. I need to find out what all of it has to do with Tobias and I need to find out how to do all of this without exposing myself as divergent. I take one last long look at Cooper before I stand straight again. Eric sees my movements and stirs in his seat.
"We can go, I think ..'
Eric looks hard at me for a moment and then nods at me to leave in front of him. When we exit the curtains Eric throws them back into place with all the aggressive flare he had been using earlier. Meg is peeking out of her office with a scowl on her face and Eric turns and dramatically bows to her before storming up behind me on the way to the exit. She doesn't know what an act that all was so the full importance of that bow is lost on her. I remember what he said about Meg being something like a friend and I push down the instinct to thank him for risking that for me. He was going to keep this from me. This just makes us even. Once outside the infirmary Eric turns to follow me towards the dorms.
"Aren't your leader apartments or whatever back the way you came?"
"Yeah they are."
"So why are you walking away from them Mr.'I have shit to do'"
Eric sucks one of his lip rings into his mouth but doesn't say anything as we keep walking I start to grow impatient. If he is trying to protect me again, walking me back to the dorms because he doesn't think I can handle it myself I'm going to loose my temper. As we turn the corner Eric grabs my arm and pulls me into a rock alcove that's dark and damp and untouched by the lights cast in the hall. There isn't much space here and he looms over me in the close proximity though I can't see his face to know what he is thinking.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Calm down, there are cameras all over the compound I needed to get you away from them."
"Why?"
"Are you okay?"
"You pulled me into a crack in the wall to ask me if I'm okay?"
He sighs heavily and leans even closer to me in the already cramped space. I can feel the heat of his breath ghosting over my ear where his head hangs close to mine. A drop of frigid water lands on my shoulders and follows the curve of my arm making me shiver. My heart is in my throat again and I'm starting to think spending time with Eric is too much for me.
"If anyone saw what happened back at the chasm we could both be in a lot of trouble. Hopefuly this new look you have going on was enough to keep anyone from noticing who you were. So yes I had to pull you into a crack in the wall to ask if you're okay."
His voice has grown soft again in a way I'm coming to associate with my Eric a completely different person then the one who barked at Meg or the one who stalks the training room floors. I take a moment to find my voice.
"Yeah. I will be okay."
Eric's hand trails across my jaw and comes to rest under my chin. I can't figure out how this is what my life has become. He lifts my face up and searches my eyes with his. I try to look determined to seem put together but I can feel the frayed edges of my mind unraveling under his gaze. I want him to see someone comparable to himself but I don't think that's something I can be. Eric buries the things he cares about and I can't seem to stop thinking about mine.
"You don't have to be."
His words are almost a question. He's giving me the chance to feel everything I'm trying to lock down. Permission to let go of the strength I'm clinging to. I can't though because If I loosen my grip I don't know if I'll be able to get ahold of it again. Then I really would be the feeble girl he sometimes accuses me of being. So I just rest my hand on top of his and nod my head.
"Don't go to sleep."
"Why?"
The fatigue of today's emotional rollercoaster is pounding behind my eyes suddenly. Like mentioning it gave it all the power it needed to step into the limelight.
"Because in about an hour I'll be waking up all the initiates for a little surprise training. You can nap if you really want to but I always wake up more tired than I was when I went to sleep."
"Well thanks for the tip. Isnt this technically cheating? Not that I'm opposed to insider information."
Eric's jaw grows tight and his hand on my face drops away heedlessly. The distance he has just created sends a spike in my heart beat. Before he can draw away any further I grab ahold of his vest collar.
"Woah wait wait. I'm sorry I was kidding I didn't mean to imply that I'm here to try and skew the rankings or anything."
I attempt a laugh that only exposes how nervous I am. His arms hang limp at his sides and his face is turned to the darker side of our little alcove. His chest moves in short tight breaths and I search his posture for any indications that I need to let go. He turns his face back towards me and I'm struck with how beautiful he looks when he lets me see his emotions. His eyes are brimming with questions but he just chews on his lip ring thoughtfully. Finally he speaks again but in a soft emotional rasp.
"Outside of the training room I'm not an instructor. So when you want help getting through initiation that's where you'll find it. The rest of the time …I can't..."
He trails off and I blurt out the first words that pass through my mind without even considering them.
"You're much more interesting when You're Eric."
"What?"
He looks genuinely baffled but I see his rigid shoulders soften just the smallest amount under my grip. I look at the steady waters of his eyes and try to keep up my momentum. I have his attention now and I need to use it for something.
"Eric the instructor has one purpose. To put as much strain on the initiates as he can, to break the weak ones and push the strong ones. Eric the person is gentle and conflicted and strong and reserved and hesitant and brash and .. and .. I just … Keep trying to figure him out…"
"Sounds very Erudite."
Eric's joke sounds a little deflated. We lock eyes and his have no fewer questions in them. I can't answer him. I can't let him know why exactly that keeps happening. Some part of me is afraid that he already knows.
"Is there anything you want to to tell me Nix?"
The sound of Eric's voice is so inviting that I almost answer him automatically but I swallow the words down and shake my head no sharply. He could be asking about our relationship I try to comfort myself but part of me still knows he could be asking about my aptitude. Neither answer is safe.
"Well , in that case. I really do have to go prepare. Four is probably having a bitch fit that he can't find me."
"Yeah? We wouldn't want that."
"No we wouldn't."
Our eyes are still locked and I'm not even sure what we are talking about anymore. Eric leans forward just a hair and joins our mutual space even more. His nose brushes against my cheek and I freeze. I'm afraid that if I move he will startle like a wild animal. I try to control my breathing and wait to see what happens. Eric puts one hand on the side of my neck and tucks my face under his chin.
"Wear your sneakers."
Then just like that he's gone. His figure retreats around the corner at the end of the hall before I've even moved out of the alcove. I run my hands over the soft buzzed sides of my head try to get a grip on my life. I have an hour to kill before I have to be around Eric in front of the others. I need to gather myself up and prepare for that. So I walk back towards the dorm slowly. I have a lot to think through.
