Chapter 12
The Truth
.
"What happened?" In asked immediately. Why was he dressed like a British soldier and why was he charging so desperately into our camp? Had something happened? Was he hurt? Being chased? Should I fear for Brianna? A momentary panic overwhelmed me but Jamie had her and they would probably be fishing all day. If he was being chased, possibly by the angry Scots Jamie had warned about, we could lead them away together and I trusted Jamie would take care of her until we could find them again... if we could.
"I need to speak with you, Claire." His voice was breathless but not as urgent as his entrance.
"Of course." I nodded, still somewhat lost in the fearful fantasy of our having to leave Brianna behind so angry villagers didn't try to use her to take revenge against Johnathon Randall. Brianna and Jamie looked so similar, and had bonded so instantly, that it was almost hard to remember that she was our daughter not his. Surely we could convince the villagers the same.
Frank sat on a stone and sat me on the log across from him.
"I love you." Frank told me in as serious a tone as he could manage. "I have always loved you and I am sorry I ever convinced you otherwise. I vow to love you, and only you, rain or shine, from this day forward, Claire. You... You and Brianna, you are my entire world and I would be nothing without you. Whatever happens, I hope we can get passed the ugliness of what I have done so that we can be an even better team for our daughter."
"Frank." I tried. "You don't need to say all of this."
"I do. I cannot live without you." He continued. "And from this day forth, I will promise you complete honesty. We will share no secrets."
"I think you will change your mind."
"Never."
"Frank, I need to tell you something." I tried, wanting nothing more than to appreciate every word he spoke. But, realistically, before we started fresh, we needed to get over our terrible histories.
"First I must tell you something... something I have feared telling you but I promised you no secrets and I intend to honour that vow."
"Alright, but first-" He cut me off.
"I did not lie, Claire." He began. I took a deep breath and shook the annoyance out of my head. "While we were honey-mooning in Scotland, the same day your amnesia remembers, you went missing." I was about ready to slap him now. Couldn't he let me forgive him, and then forgive me so we could just move forward? "I can show you proof of that once we return home." Then he spoke even faster to prevent me from interrupting. "You were gone for over two years, Claire. The police were certain you'd left me for another man-of course I knew better... Or I thought I had. Then you returned, bone thin and maddened. Whatever had happened had clearly been an ordeal."
"Frank." I groaned.
"Listen Claire." He ordered. "You wanted the truth, this is it."
"And you decided this wasn't important to tell me." I assumed in a dull tone. "That my having gone missing was somehow irrelevant?"
"What mattered was that you returned. I didn't want you to remember the pain it caused you."
I rolled my eyes and folded my arms over my chest but decided to listen to his story as quiet as I could, mentally preparing my argument for every ridiculous point he made. I suppose it wasn't impossible to believe. And a traumatic experience would help to explain why we'd drifted apart.
"I was there for you, of course, but..." he shook his head and looked down. "You didn't want me anymore. The story you told me... no one could believe. No one would. But you returned pregnant... with Brie." I was ready to yell now for continuing the tale that he hadn't fathered our daughter, and he knew this. Quickly, he added, "I didn't believe you'd left me willingly, but I thought your story might have been your way to cope with what had happened."
"What was this story?" I inquired skeptical. Shut up and let us move on, please Frank.
"You... went back in time." I laughed at that immediately. I don't know if I laughed because we had all done that together, or I laughed because I thought it was ridiculous, but I laughed. "I didn't believe you of course. You said you had gone back in time and met a group of Scotsmen- -From Clan Mackenzie, who'd taken you hostage. While in their company you were discovered by the English and thought to be a spy by Johnathon Randall, the real one. I still, did not believe you, but now that we have experienced it together, I am not sure I can doubt much longer."
"I am not sure I can handle this much longer." I muttered. He ignored me.
"One of the men within clan Mackenzie you said was named Jamie Fraser." That perked my attention. I felt my breath become shallow and wasn't sure I could continue to pay attention much longer. What could he know about the man? Did he know I had slept with him? Was he trying to trap me or taunt me? That wasn't his sort of behavior. I shook my head once and took a deep breath as he continued. "You told me you had married him. And fallen in love. You only left him because of Culloden. You were pregnant and needed to protect you baby. That is the only reason you came back to me."
"Is that all?" I wondered.
"Essentially."
"And I suppose I am meant to believe that nonsense?"
"I don't care if you believe it!" He snapped. "I care that you understand that I love you enough to tell you the truth, even if it means you might leave me for another man."
"Well I don't." I spat. "You expect me to believe that I once traveled through time and married another man who I loved more than you but somehow I forgot about him?"
"That is what you told me when you returned."
"And you continued to love me despite this?" I was angry because it was so obviously a false story. But if it wasn't, he told me now only because he knew there was nothing I could do about it. I knew I had a connection to Mackenzie- -Jamie- -whatever his name was. I couldn't explain it. And if I were being honest, he looked like the man who would have fathered Brianna. It was almost eerie now that I compared them. But none of that mattered. Because as far as I could tell, Frank was her father. He'd raised her. It wouldn't be fair to separate them, especially not by two-hundred years. And if I were put into a position to stay with my husband Jamie or leave with my other husband, Frank, I knew I could not just abandon Brianna. So my only option was to go where Frank went. Plus, the future was a better place for her than this world. It wasn't even a debatable idea.
So the entire idea of him telling me this is redundant. It didn't give me more options. It didn't allow me to feel free of his lies. Why did he tell me this? And why would he create such a story anyways? Did he hate me so much? What could I have done to him?! My mind wrapped around itself in more anger and confusion. I wanted... so badly to believe that he loved me, that he wanted a second chance to make the marriage work. But how could that happen now? Either this story was true, and I did not know how to best proceed, or the story was false and Frank hated me.
If it were true, then I'd just spent the last few weeks remeeting my husband, and the father of my child, who also somehow forgot to tell me the truth, and allowed me to live unhappily with Frank because I thought I was unloved in my own marriage, which still might be true. My husband who'd managed to seduce me and... I felt like I was picking at straws, hopefully searching my memories for signs that Jamie loved me and tried to be honest with me. He did love our daughter, it seemed.
If the story was not true, though, what exactly did that mean? The possibilities were too awful for my mind to want to accept them. How was I supposed to know why he was doing this? Were they working together, had Frank paid him, was it coincidence that Frank was using? How could I know? It's not as if I could trust him.
"Nothing you say or do could make me stop loving you." Frank stated. He seemed so sincere, too.
"Well, I disagree." I snapped because I was angry. "And I am tired of your excuses and your convenient use of my amnesia to excuse your behaviors! Yes, I want honesty, but not like this!"
I was so tired of being confused. I was tired of hearing one side of every story and having to guess all the other sides. I wanted a truth that I could believe. One that fit into rational reality. I suppose that had gone away with time travel.
"Because I am willing to be honest about my mistakes, I believe I should inform you that I had sex."
He paused, clearly confused by the flat statement. Then, I think, he understood. His eyes widened and his eyebrows grew in shock and some terror. I think he might have been asking for detail.
"H...ho. How?"
"With Mackenzie."
"Wi...th..." He turned and kicked a tree.
"And he told me something similar." I continued hotly. "That his name was James Fraser and that he'd changed it for the Dunsany's. I do not know what cruel game you and that man are playing but I've had about enough of it!"
"Claire!" I couldn't tell if he was angry or pleading, and I don't think I cared.
"I am going to the river with Brianna." I snapped.
"No, we need to discuss this." He grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him, In response, I stepped down hard on his foot.
"There is nothing to discuss!" I cried. "We are clearly not the same people that I believed us to be, and I am tired of your lies, Frank!"
"I am not lying to you!"
"Is that man my husband then?!" I demanded.
"What?"
"Is that man fishing with our daughter," I started, barely keeping myself together. "Is he my husband?"
"I am your husband, Claire."
"Not according to you." I snapped. "Not in this time."
He was quiet for longer than I felt comfortable with, but finally answered, "I think so."
I am not sure what instinct came over me but I slapped him hard across the face.
"Claire." He breathed.
"You can't do this to me." I cried. "You have no right to be doing this to me...! Did... did you pay him?"
"What?"
"Is that what this is?" I wondered. "Do you hate me so much that you would pay a man to seduce me, just to confuse me? Oh... Oh, no, I understand now... If I believe I am married to another man, I will grant you the divorce you've wanted so long. Alright! Have your divorce! But stop playing with my mind!"
"Claire, that is not what I want!" He begged. "You are acting mad!"
"Of course I am!" I snapped. "First I lost ten years of my life and now I am two-hundred years in the past!"
"Claire, wait." He took my hand again. "I would never set up such a scheme. I can hardly plan a surprise party, don't you remember? You've lost ten years but not the year we spent as man and wife before the war. I love you, only you. I told you only because I know you may get your memories back. And once I might not have been your first choice, but I wish to be now. We can... we can start over."
"That's what I wanted." I breathed, looking at his freshly polished shoes. "I thought maybe that was why you lied... but this..."
"I lied because I was afraid!" He snapped. "I was afraid of you returning to the woman who didn't love me anymore. The one who refused to forget him! And then I got any historian's dream come true, I went into the era of my study! And when I get there, oh, as luck would have it who did I meet by my wifes preferred husband, so I was afraid! Can't you understand that?"
"Can't you understand how impossible your story is to believe?"
"Yes." He nodded. "Because I didn't believe it either."
"Why are you dressed as a British soldier?" I decided to ask, rather than spend anymore time fighting to trust him. Frank, as I remembered him ten years ago, was not a liar. He hid truths and withheld information when he didn't feel comfortable talking about it, but he never lied. And if I was going to use this as a second chance, I would need to look for that Frank. The one I adored.
"Oh, yes." He blinked down at himself in surprise. "It appears that Captain Johnathon Randall esquire, has been reinstated. The British want me to return to Fort William immediately."
I blinked at him in surprise. "Will you?"
"I thought it was our intention to return home." He said.
"yes, but if what you told me is true," I didn't know if I wanted to return home. I liked being somewhere I didn't have to worry about mistresses showing up at my door.
"I told you what you told me." He reminded.
"If it is true then..." I hesitated to think about what Frank said as the truth but the one story I could convince myself to consider was the relationship between Jamie and Brianna. Maybe because I already felt detached from Brianna, or because they looked so similar. "Brianna."
"He is willing to part with her to a better place."
"But if we couldn't get back through the stones. If it doesn't work." I suggested. "Will he be expecting visitation? It wouldn't be fair to separate them now."
"I do not appreciate the tone." He informed me coolly.
"It is difficult to believe your story." I reminded.
"So you had sex with him." Frank suddenly snapped. "And?"
"And?"
"And how was it?"
"What sort of a question is that?"
"Did you remember him?" Frank inquired. "Do you... Did you fall in love with him again?"
"No." I snapped. "No, I told him that I chose you."
"W-what?" The light in Franks eyes was enough to make me smile. "You...?"
"Yes." I closed the distance between us and kissed him. It felt strange, but that was likely due to the betrayal I still felt. I could pretend I'd forgiven him, but it was easier said than done. "I chose you."
"And he accepted this?"
"He seemed a bit mad,"
He smirked at this and hugged me, "He lost the best wife a man could ask for."
I pushed him away then, "Don't talk like that please." Denying the story Frank told me was the easiest way to move forward as we needed to. How could I move on with such an accusation holding me down?
As much as Brianna and Jamie may have looked alike, Jamie couldn't be her father. Because it didn't make any sense other than their appearance. Why wouldn't he have said something? Why would he let his wife forget him? Plus, this was Franks story, not Jamie's. I'd heard Jamie's story. They'd left to another country not another time.
"I wish to return home." Frank told me. "My desk is waiting for me, but if time in linear then they will replace me soon after the realize we have disappeared. I accepted the post and the uniform because it will allow us to travel quicker and through towns without difficulty. Tavern keeps will be expected to grant us stay."
"Alright." I nodded. "Then let's not spend another day sleeping in the woods. Let's find our way to civilization."
By the time Brianna and Jamie returned, we'd packed up the entire camp and prepared the two horses to pull the cart.
I saw the fury appear in Jamie's eyes the moment he noticed Frank standing by the carriage, so I stepped in front of Frank to shield him, and picked up Brianna for a hug to block Jamie from getting any closer. He understood my actions instantly and very clearly didn't appreciate it.
I wanted to tell him about what Frank had told me. To finally get both sides of a story, and get verification that the story was crazy. Or maybe I didn't. Because being lied to one more time could be one more too many. Telling him was too hard, and too embarrassing. And then he would likely think I was a witch for believing in time travel. No, for now I would remain quiet. I got into the carriage with Frank and Brianna, and let Jamie lead us the rest of the way.
I closed my eyes and let my head fall back as I let the confusing, frustrating, and all around angry thoughts cool down in my mind.
I haven't actually gotten all that "fangirl" over my own story yet, but I think this next chapter might do it for me. If you have enjoyed this story so far (thank you!:)) then you are probably going to adore this next chapter. If you haven't, (I'm sorry), and thank you for reading. But this next chapter has me excited... just... I'm excited.
P.S. If you haven't read the books, (small spoiler of what's to come ahead), and for those who simply don't know (I didn't when I first read the books), Laoghaire is pronounced Leary. (Leer-y)
