A/N: Do not own.
Angst (and monologuing) ahoy...
Chapter 12 The First Step
"Substance abuse hotline?"
"Hello? I... I have a problem..."
"You're doing great. Admitting it is the first step."
"I just... I tried it once because I was bored and well it just kind of... spiraled out of control..."
The overworked social worker hummed sympathetically.
"...and so far I've managed to quit... but it's... it's like it's calling to me and... and I'm so scared I'll slip up and..."
"Hmm... you know sometimes it helps if you pick up a hobby. Something to do with your hands? Have you tried writing? Maybe keeping a diary— Hello?" the social worker asked in confusion as he heard the sound of the caller headdesking followed by dial tone.
The To-Oh medical lab, One week ago
I'm a murder addict.
No.
This... can't be true. It just can't!
Is Master lying to me? But... why would he lie to me? What purpose would that serve? Master loves to watch me kill! So why would he lie about something like this? Come to think of it...
"Work too hard... not good for you…" (Come to bed dear...)
"Now isn't there something else you'd rather be doing…?"
Was Master trying to tell me… all this time?
No... this... this just can't be!
Wait... maybe there's an error in the test?
Impossible.
I ran the test myself! I do not make mistakes! Maybe it's the equipment? (I checked the equipment—it was working fine!)
But just to be sure Light ran the test again... and again.
Ryuk looked over his shoulder with some concern. "Are you trying to bleed yourself dry, Light-o?"
No... the same results...
There is no other possibility. No other factor... The Notebook...
Using the Notebook did this?
But I didn't notice any adverse effects!
In fact ever since I started using it I've felt... happier, more confident...
And writing in the Notebook is really fun... It's exciting. Really the only thing comparable is... sex.
Why the HELL didn't I notice this sooner?
(Well you had nothing to compare it to before...)
It must be true. The Notebook is driving me insane...
Or am I already insane? Is the damage already done? Is there any coming back from this?
I don't... I don't feel insane. I feel great... fantastic.
But if I am insane how would I know?
And what happens when a God goes mad? Does He abandon his Children?
No! This is my duty! I was Chosen by fate to rid the world of Evil! Why else would this Notebook fall into my hands? Who else would be smart enough to pull this off? Who else could have come this far?
I can't just turn my back on my responsibilities just because... (It's hurting me) how selfish is that? Didn't I say I'd sacrifice my mind and soul if I had to? What's my mind compared to the good I could do?
But... wouldn't it be irresponsible to continue knowing that my judgment is impaired? I shouldn't pass judgment. I could make... mistakes. I could kill innocents!
But... I always knew that there would be sacrifices... I've already come this far. What are a few lives sacrificed compared to the good I could do?
No. No. No. No. NO!
What the hell am I thinking? How GOOD is it to sacrifice innocent lives? When exactly did people become... things?
But what's the right thing to do?
The world NEEDS to be fixed!
How else could I—
Could I ever trust anyone else to handle this responsibility?
No. No one else could ever handle this! If I couldn't handle this...
And... and all these greedy, selfish, USELESS PEOPLE! They wouldn't use it to help the world! They'd only use it for themselves!
Who else other than me has the intelligence, the determination, the sense of justice to...?
L.
If I had to pick a successor to Kira... it would have to be L.
But damn that would never work!
Yes I can just see it now—how that offer would go:
"Join me! We can rule together!"
"Why thank you Kira, let me repay your generous offer with this snazzy orange jumpsuit and matching bracelets for lifetime residents."
And even if I found someone who could succeed me... this would just drive them nuts too!
I'm the only one who could do it... the one perfect God who could rule this world and guide it correctly and...
I'm NOT PERFECT! I'm INSANE!
Face it. This entire plan hinged on me and I've become... unhinged.
I've... fallen. I've... failed (I NEVER FAIL!)
What am I supposed to do now!
Can I really turn my back on this responsibility?
But... is it really working?
All I wanted was a peaceful world so that... good people didn't have to live in fear!
So that Dad would come home for once (Dad isn't working any less. He's working harder—trying to catch me.)
So that I wouldn't have to worry about my little sister getting assaulted walking home. (The streets aren't any safer... I know this for a fact!)
It's... its hopeless!
But... but there's no other way!
All this Evil in the world...
If I stop now... what was it all for then?
All those deaths!
All those people that I...
I...
Light didn't notice when he started crying. He only noticed when he was encircled in Ryuk's arms as the Shinigami embraced him.
"Oh Light-o."
"I'm scared, Master," Light sniffled.
"I'm… sorry."
I don't know what you were before I met you. But I do know I ruined you. I'm a Shinigami—it's just… what I do. I destroy things. I'm very good at it, I love doing it, and I have never regretted it… until now.
"If I hadn't…"
Ryuk was silenced by Light's smoldering stare. "Master... I would never regret meeting you."
Oh Light-o. He never ceased to be interesting.
Ryuk gently massaged Light's back.
"It's just a tool, Light-o…"
Light looked up questioningly as Ryuk wiped his tears away.
"The Notebook. It's just a Shinigami tool to extend our lifespans. That's all it is. Just… one of your tools."
Master is right. The notebook... it's just a tool.
(It's a tool... and it's a trap.)
But I have other tools.
I can... I can still fix the world. (I can still fix this.. I can still fix me.)
I have my mind (or what's left of it...)
I have my connections.
I have my powers (even these side-effects... I can use these to my advantage!)
And I have time now...
Lots and lots of time...
And most importantly, I have Master.
I can... I can do this!
I'll fix this world without the Death Note!
It's okay...
It's going... it's going to be okay.
Only...
One little detail...
I'm insane...
Ryuk looked on in concern as Light laughed madly and here he thought Light was calming down...
"Light-o… Snap out of it!"
"I'm insane." Light said dejectedly.
"You know, I kind of guessed since the moment I met you… I don't hold it against you."
"I'm INSANE! How can I be sure you're even here, Master? That I'm not just talking to myself?"
Ryuk squeezed him close and nuzzled into his neck. "I assure you, I'm quite real."
Light giggled. "That sounds like something my hallucination would say."
Ryuk growled and roughly pushed Light to the floor beneath him.
"Here Light-o, let me show you I'm real." Ryuk rumbled as he captured his mouth with his own and Light tasted Ryuk's familiar and heady taste (unsurprisingly he tasted vaguely of apples).
Light hissed in anticipation as Ryuk lightly traced his claws across his skin. Light groaned as he felt Ryuk move against him.
Ryuk slowly teased him, scissoring his claws inside of him, driving Light into a frenzy.
"I'm here, Light-o. I'm right here."
Light met Ryuk's heated stare.
"Prove it."
Ryuk did... quite thoroughly.
As Ryuk pounded into that spot again... Light thought Oh yeah... Definitely REAL.
"Oh Master..." Light clung desperately to Ryuk, his rock, his anchor... his very real Master, friend, and lover. Light moaned and let his wings unfurl as Ryuk brought him explosively over the edge and filled him with his seed.
Ryuk looked down concernedly as he hung above the teen.
"Now do you believe I'm real?"
Light gazed up at Ryuk passionately through heavy-lidded eyes.
"Hmm... I'm not sure..." Light grinned. "You know, I think I might need some more convincing..."
