Chapter 12: Come on Baby, Light my Fire...
How the fuck do I get myself into situations like this?
I crouched behind a cluster of wooden barrels and clamped my hands over my ears as I was bathed in yet another shower of sparks from above. In front of me and a little to the left I could see the Stone. Which really isn't a stone at all, it's a tower with lots of guys in spiffy armor and big spears hanging around.
Currently, Rand and Moiraine were in the process of storming the keep, accompanied by an odd group of folks straight out of Lawrence of Arabia. How they'd gotten inside, I hadn't a clue, but the interesting light displays and various explosions coming from the upper windows convinced me that they had.
They'd left earlier that morning after fending off a half assed assassination attempt. I, on the other hand, was supposed to be safely back at the inn working out where these "Aiel" fit into the Cycle. At least that's what Moiraine had instructed me to do.
So naturally, here I was, risking my ass, yet again, for no good reason.
I was about to give up and find a good dark beer when a familiar and completely out of place smell reached me. Gunpowder? Here? I hit the deck as a huge explosion rocked the street.
Perhaps we could acquire some Napalm sometime in the immediate future?
Lifting my head and peering through the smoke, I saw a figure running into the huge hole in the side of the tower. Ah, well, time to figure out where he got it later. Never one to let common sense keep me from seizing the moment, I followed the mysterious figure into the Stone. Coughing and gagging, I followed the figure into the cloud of dust.
The hole must have been ten feet round. Think you may have overdone it a bit, buddy?
Inside, there were bodies everywhere. Blood and other less identifiable bodily fluids slicked the floors. Nothing like water skiing through a puddle of blood to make ones day complete. The beer was sounding better and better. I found a flight of stairs and headed up, fighting the temptation to count the bodies I passed.
Inside, the place was a maze of tunnels. Navigating the maze proved quite simple though. Anytime I heard the sound of fighting down one corridor, I simply took the other one. I was starting to get quite comfortable when I rounded a corner directly into the path of a group of pike wielding Defenders.
I looked down at the knife in my right hand and the book in my left, then up at the soldiers in front of me. In the face of certain death, I did what any sane person would do. I dropped to my knees, threw my arms across my head and shouted as loud as I could, "Bathroom! I was just looking for the bathroom!"
Before the one in front could figure out the proper response, his head exploded. Yes, I said his head exploded. Just thought it bore repeating.I had found Rand, Moiraine and their crowd of rabid Aiel. They were fighting for their lives (naturally) in the middle of the hallway, trying to manuever around a large floating crystal sword.
Now who leaves a crystal sword just floating around in the hall?
Must have been an Aes Sedai.
At the other end of the hallway, a white man faced off with Rand, running his mouth the entire time. It was good swordplay. Rand had certainly improved in the time I'd known him. However, even good swordplay gets repetetive after a while. Thrust, parry. Thrust again. And the conversation...
I watched them fight and talk, fight and talk, forwhat must have been a goodtwenty minutes.
"I thought only comic book villains monologued," I said, to no one in particular. "Shut up and fucking fight already."
I thinkthe other guy'seyes flicked over to me, just for a second. A good sized ball of flame leapt out of nowhere and came straight for my head. Luckily, at that exact moment, I hit a puddle of gray matter, both my feet slid out from under me, and Ilanded flat on my back onthe stone floor.
I had an eerie rush of deja vu as a bright flash of green light caught the errant monologuer in the chest. He disappeared.
As I sat up, somewhat scorched, but doing better than most of the people in the room, I had this crazy thought. I wondered if he was dead, or if he'd just been blinked off to Iowa or something to torment some poor farmer with his master plan.
As if almost being blown up, fried, and covered in someone else's brains wasn't enough, the day quickly went downhill. Seemed to be a two for one deal going on Forsaken that day. As soon as we got rid of one, this other fellow showed up.
I recognized him from the sky battle over Falme. He talked a lot, too. And there was something very familiar about the way he spoke. I almost felt like I knew what he was going to say before he said it. Anyway, Rand stomped his ass, but this guy was smart enough to know when to run. I missed the actual exit - I was too busy cowering in the corner at the time.
The Stone of Tear had become a very popular place that day. Mat, Egwene, Elayne, Nynaeve, and a few others somehow wandered into Tear at the same time we did, and a good thing too.
Rand took the fucking sword (you remember, the one that's not a sword) and totally freaked on us. Judging from his behavior, I surmised that the sword must have been dipped in some really potent LSD before being hung in the tower. Good trick, actually. Jerry Lee would have been impressed.
Anyway, if his friends hadn't been around to help us talk him down, I don't know what would have happened. I could have sworn I heard him talking to himself before I ducked out of the room, but I had just taken a good blow to the head.
Anyway, while The Dragon and Company took control of the city of Tear, I wandered off to find the library. And a bath. Not in that order.
