The new episode that just aired is quite possibly my favorite one of the entire series so far. I was completely blown away! I hope Mariska and Kelli have many more intense, emotional scenes together in future episodes.
Trigger warning: There are brief mentions of rape in this chapter, so please be aware of that before continuing to read.
xxxxxxxxxx
Episode: 20x14 ("Part 33")
Genre: Hurt/comfort/angst
Rating: T
xxxxxxxxxx
Amanda is in utter disbelief that such a turbulent and disturbing day, filled with emotional extremes, has ended with Olivia Benson sharing her bed.
The two of them are spending some time alone, huddled side by side beneath the covers, Jesse and Billie sound asleep in their respective bedrooms in the apartment Amanda has recently rented after her breakup with Al Pollack, and Lucy staying overnight with Noah at Olivia's place.
This is the fourth building Amanda has lived in since making the move to New York nearly eight years ago, and she can count on one hand the number of times Olivia has paid a visit to any of her homes. And the older woman has certainly never made an appearance in her bedroom before, Amanda observing Olivia's concerning demeanor out of the corner of her eye as they lay there without speaking.
She had been very surprised to hear a knock at her door as the hands of the clock had ticked closer to midnight, wondering if Fin or Carisi had decided to stop by after their particularly gruelling day at the courthouse, and her surprise turning to complete shock upon seeing her lieutenant standing there instead. Olivia's face was leached of all color, her body shaking and her normally sleek, styled hair gathered in unkempt clumps around her shoulders, the other woman meekly requesting if she could come in.
Amanda had ushered her inside without a word, stunned into silence by the sudden appearance of the woman she loves; something she had actually admitted to Olivia earlier that day, but neglecting to confess just how deep that love goes. They haven't said much to one another over the past hour, Amanda tentatively asking how Olivia was doing right after her abrupt arrival, even though it was more than obvious that she wasn't okay.
Olivia had muttered something under her breath about being afraid to fall asleep despite being so tired, another unexpected revelation from a woman who is usually loathe to share such personal information, and before Amanda could even think about what she was doing, she had picked up Olivia's hand in her own and led the older woman into her bedroom. After helping Olivia get situated on the mattress, tucking the blankets around her trembling form and telling the brunette that she would sit on the overstuffed chair in the corner so Olivia wouldn't be alone if she happened to fall asleep, her boss had instantly rejoined their hands, grasping onto Amanda's fingers with an urgency that couldn't be ignored and begging her not to leave the bed.
They have been lying in relative quiet ever since, a few murmured words about their children's recent antics exchanged between them, but nothing on a deeper level, Amanda hoping that Olivia will be able to drift off soon, as she appears to be in desperate need of a long rest. She hasn't even bothered to get changed into a pair of pajamas for the night, the two of them clad in sweatshirts and yoga pants, the outfits comfortable enough to sleep in, although Amanda isn't sure that an extended slumber is in the cards for either of them tonight.
"Why are you afraid to fall asleep?" she finally whispers, her voice breaking the tense silence and sounding overly loud in the hushed atmosphere of the apartment.
"Bad dreams," Olivia mutters in reply, Amanda unable to contain her continuous surprise at yet another truthful admittance, her heart swelling gratefully at the other woman's willingness to be so open with her, but a certain amount of anguish dwelling inside at Olivia's ongoing trauma.
"You don't want to dream about Lewis?" she answers softly, turning her head on the pillow and watching the slight nod of assent.
The same empathy that she had declared to be drowning in for the past several years is rising to the surface to envelop her once again, causing Amanda to reach out and intertwine her fingers with Olivia's, trying to disregard the faint feelings of anger and resentment that are twisted up with it. When Olivia had informed her that she had no idea what pure and utter terror was, Amanda had been taken aback by this inaccurate assumption, too shocked by an observation that was so insanely wrong and listening with rapt attention to the rest of Olivia's agonizing and tragic recount of her time with William Lewis, that she didn't have the heart to correct her.
She tries to push down the complicated feelings that are growing stronger by the second, not wanting to lash out at Olivia when the other woman is experiencing so much emotional turmoil, and blue eyes meeting brown in the darkness when the brunette ceases to speak. Amanda squeezes the limp and clammy digits that are entwined with her own, trying to encourage her to keep talking, but Olivia has fallen silent once more, either unwilling to carry on with the conversation or simply too exhausted to do so.
The raw and painful discussions they had shared at the courthouse several hours prior are swirling through Amanda's brain again; deep, festering wounds from both of their pasts ripped wide open and put on display for one another to assess and pick apart. She lets out an audible sigh at the memories of so many events she would much rather forget; what had taken place inside that overheated room with her squad, the hell she had been made to endure while growing up in such a dysfunctional household, and the pure, utter terror she had felt in the motel room with Charles Patton that Olivia claimed she couldn't possibly know anything about.
"What?" Olivia suddenly inquires softly, and it takes Amanda a moment to realize just how loudly she has sighed.
"Nothing," she mumbles tiredly, using her free hand to rub her drooping eyelids, eager for some sleep but not wanting to drift off while Olivia is so out of sorts beside her and there's a chance that she will open up again.
"Tell me," the older woman urges gently, Amanda feeling a slight tug on the hand that is still attached to Olivia's, her heart leaping in her chest when the brunette shifts closer on the sheets. "I know how hard it was for you today. It was hard on all of us, myself included, which I'm sure you're aware of. But when I saw you breaking down like that, it just..."
"It just what?" Amanda murmurs, tilting her head in curiosity and feeling an ache in her gut when she sees the tears shimmering in Olivia's eyes.
"It ripped my heart to shreds," the lieutenant responds in a voice so low, Amanda can barely hear her. "It kills me to know how much pain you've suffered throughout your life. I'm sorry you had to go through so much when you were a child...and as an adult..."
Amanda bites down hard on her lower lip as she assumes Olivia is making a reference to Patton, her heart pounding furiously and the question spilling from her mouth before she can stop it, the words seemingly desperate to come out. "Then why did you tell me that I have no idea what pure and utter terror is?"
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have implied that you didn't-"
"You did more than just imply it." Amanda cuts her off sharply, yanking her hand away from Olivia's and trying to ignore the needy, dismayed expression that crosses her features. "You said it outright. Do you really think I didn't feel exactly that way when I was lying beneath Patton in that motel room? When he had my hands pinned above my head and his body covering mine so I couldn't even move? What did you think I was feeling in that moment? Joy? Arousal? Grateful that someone had taken the time to help my sister out of the jam she was in?"
"God, Amanda, no," Olivia gasps in horror, Amanda instantly regretting what she has just said when the tears overflow and spill down her boss' cheeks. "I would never think any of those things! I was just trying to get you to better understand the situation that Annabeth was in; hoping you could relate to it and see my point of view. I didn't even intend to say all of that...it just came pouring out...and it's because I trusted you enough to confide in you about what happened back then."
"I'm glad you can trust me, Liv." Amanda's voice is ragged as she tries to contain her own tears, swallowing hard against the lump of emotion that has risen in her throat. "But what you said really hurt, even though I've tried to diminish what I went through with him; tried to pretend it didn't matter and I wasn't a victim. But it just felt like you were diminishing it too; like you were casting it aside and dismissing it because what you went through with Lewis was worse."
Olivia stares at her for a moment, her jaw slightly agape and her expression utterly stricken, Amanda's heart seizing in her chest when the older woman begins sliding in the opposite direction across the mattress, moving farther away as if trying to make an escape. "I'm so sorry, Amanda. I never meant to make a comparison; to imply that my experience was worse or that yours didn't matter." There is a brief pause, Olivia's face crumpling in on itself and the tears flowing faster now. "This was a mistake. I never should have come here. I think today was just way too much for either of us to handle, and it's all come spilling out. I need to go."
Amanda's swift reflexes have her vaulting across the bed as Olivia swings her legs over the edge, grabbing onto the taller figure from behind and locking her arms around a curvy waist as she presses her nose into thick hair that smells of lilacs. "No, I'm sorry," she whispers vehemently, feeling another surge of regret and prepared to pull away if Olivia struggles in her embrace, not wanting to frighten the older woman or make her feel unsafe in any way.
To Amanda's immense relief, Olivia immediately settles down in her arms and deflates against her, the two of them fused together at the edge of the mattress as Amanda slides her legs alongside Olivia's to anchor the brunette to her chest. She feels Olivia sinking further into her smaller frame, as if every ounce of energy has drained from her body, a weary, drawn-out sigh emitting from her boss' mouth, and despite her regret, Amanda decides to forge ahead now that they have landed on this particular topic again, worried about Olivia's state of mind and needing to know the full truth.
"Did Lewis rape you, Liv?" she asks very gently, her lips pressed to the back of Olivia's head as she speaks and the other woman's sweet-smelling hair muffling her words to an extent.
But Olivia seems to have heard her loud and clear since Amanda instantly feels another shift in the mood and the tension thrumming through the brunette's body, her limbs taut and her muscles coiled tightly. She rocks Olivia from side to side in an effort to soothe her and rests her chin on a trembling shoulder, the bed swaying lightly with the movement.
"It's okay, you don't have to tell me," Amanda murmurs apologetically into her ear. "I shouldn't have asked. I should have just kept my mouth shut about everything. I didn't mean to make things worse by bringing all of this back up and then trying to make it about me."
"No, it's alright," Olivia says in a hushed tone, the older woman tangling their fingers together again and their joined hands resting against her stomach. "I want to tell you more about what happened. Someday. But I'm just not ready to do it tonight."
"Okay," Amanda replies simply, tightening her hold around Olivia as she tries to impart more comfort and feeling guilty for pressing further on such a volatile subject. "Well, whenever you're ready, just know that I'm always here for you."
"I do know that." There is a noticeable quiver in Olivia's voice, her body shaking with emotion, and Amanda struggles to keep her own tears at bay once again. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," she answers softly, bringing a hand up to stroke through Olivia's rumpled, silky hair. "And I know you would do the same for me, if I ever want to talk more about what we discussed at the courthouse."
"In a heartbeat." Olivia's tone is fierce now, turning around in Amanda's embrace so they are sitting face to face, their hands clutching onto each other for balance as they hover on the edge of the mattress. "I'll always be here for you too."
Amanda smiles at her, marvelling at how far they have come in the nearly eight years they have worked together; how much they have grown and how much more open they are with one another now. She used to be so resolute on keeping everything locked up inside, wanting so badly to confide in Olivia about certain things but afraid that she had taken after her mother and Olivia would see the weakness hiding inside, ultimately deeming her unworthy of help or friendship.
They stare at each other in silence for a moment, blue eyes boring intently into brown, the tension that has permeated their entire encounter finally seeming to drain away and a more comfortable quiet settling over the room. Amanda's eyes drift down to Olivia's plump lips and before she can reconsider her next action or think too deeply about it, she leans forward slightly and presses her mouth to the brunette's
The kiss is short and sweet and essentially chaste, a gesture of comfort between two friends who are in desperate need of some tender compassion, with just a hint of something more simmering beneath. They pull away after several seconds, sharing a shy grin before settling back onto the bed together, getting tucked under the covers once again and cuddling close, Amanda revelling in the warmth and safety of Olivia's presence.
"I love you too, you know," Olivia suddenly murmurs offhandedly, Amanda jerking in surprise and feeling a trace of hope as her eyebrows raise high on her forehead with this unexpected admission. "You said it to me earlier today and I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same way."
Amanda is unsure of the exact context of this endearment; whether Olivia means she loves her as a friend or if it's something else entirely, and is unable to satisfy her ardent curiosity when she sees that the older woman has finally drifted into a peaceful sleep.
A content smile stretches across Amanda's face as she pulls Olivia impossibly closer, her mind feeling clearer than it has all day and her body relaxing into the sheets. Instead of pushing that tinge of hope deep down inside and descending into her black mood once again, she decides to let that tiny ray of light shine through, pleased when it burns brighter with each passing minute that she holds Olivia in her arms, the soft glow slowly beginning to obliterate the darkness.
