Chapter 12: Reconciliation
Usagi stormed into her bedroom and threw herself as violently as she could onto her bed, her face buried into the cushions and large, heavy tears falling uncontrollably from her eyes. She maintained the hard façade for as long as she could in front of them, Ami and Mamoru. However, alone in her sanctuary, away from the man she wished to never see again and the last person she ever thought would take that man from her, she let all the emotions wash over her. Hate, despair, confusion, loneliness, depression, frustration, and anger—she experienced them all, at times simultaneously. The secret that Ami had futilely tried to conceal from Usagi was revealed in a brutally direct manner. Ami and Mamoru were more than just friends now. They very much were romantically involved, more so than Mamoru ever was with Usagi.
She mentally smacked herself. How could she have missed it? She should have seen it coming a long time ago, with the way the two spent much more time together than usual and less time with her. It was always with the excuse of Mamoru helping Ami with her advanced studies. That must have contributed to the emotional distance that gradually separated her from Ami and her ex-boyfriend, let alone the other girls. Whether the suave Mamoru initiated the romance or the normally shy Ami found her resolve and actively stole her boyfriend, she didn't care to know or find out. It was what it was, and to her it was a blatant act of betrayal. Not just a betrayal of friends but a betrayal of a senshi toward her princess. If Mamoru had left her for any other girl on the planet she would have cared far less. Sure, she had no real plans of trying to regain Mamoru's love the way she worked immeasurably hard to better herself and regain her friendships. But, it still hurt her to see Mamoru with another girl just like that, and the knowledge that it was one of her friends and senshi made the pain immeasurably worse.
She buried her face deeper into her pillow as the tears fell harder and the sobs roared louder. Her mind studied in excruciating detail the events of last Tuesday and the weeks leading up to that fateful day, the day her friends all but abandoned her, and all the dreams she had experienced since. What really was going on? That question went much deeper than the transient lives of five teenage girls and a man on Earth and raised serious concerns about the futures of six illustrious kingdoms.
Luna carefully approached the trembling, violently weeping girl. She had endured so much pain and heartbreak in so little time that it was an absolute miracle she could still function. She sat down beside her charge, her face lowered so she could peer into Usagi's dulled, tear-filled eyes.
"Luna…" Usagi whispered so quietly it was almost inaudible. "Ami… Ma-Mamoru…" She began to choke up as tears fell more furiously than ever before.
"Usagi, it's okay," Luna said softly and as soothingly as she could muster. Even with just those two words she sensed and understood everything her charge was trying to say.
Usagi suddenly pounded her mattress with her right hand so hard that Luna thought that she almost punched a hole clean through it.
"Is there no hope?" she managed to choke out between sobs.
"Hope?" Luna whispered, slightly confused.
"That I will ever get my friends back again," Usagi whispered somewhat hoarsely as she turned to look at Luna with the most pitiful look in her sullen eyes the black cat had ever seen.
"Poor, poor girl. Why does all of this have to happen to her? What has she done to truly deserve this?" Luna pondered. An expression of sorrow momentarily radiated across her amber-colored eyes. "If I had to go through even a tiny fraction of what she has experienced, I don't know how I could live. I don't know if I could survive." Her body began to shudder slightly and her eyes moistened. That terrible pall of depression wanted to blanket Luna the way it smothered Usagi, but somehow she resisted. "I need to stay strong… for Usagi's sake," she thought. "Usagi can't see me be as heartbroken as she is. It would kill her. I… I just can't have that happen. I… love her too much for that."
With that, Luna took a long, deep sigh to cleanse herself of the despair she had started to feel. She still believed in Usagi and wholeheartedly believed that she would prevail. All she had to do was convince her princess to believe in herself once more. She slowly walked right up to Usagi's face and softly nuzzled her head against the despondent girl's cheeks. Her fur was soaked by the tears that continued to fall heavily from Usagi's eyes and streak down her pale face. Yet as much as she hated getting wet, she hated Usagi's crestfallen mood much more, and thus was undaunted in her attempt to console the girl.
"You definitely will get them back," Luna whispered in the most comforting tone she could produce.
"How? How can I? I've done everything I could and… nothing," Usagi moaned. "It's all been for nothing…"
"I don't believe that, Usagi-chan," Luna said softly while continuing to caress the girl. "I don't believe that one bit."
"But… it's true. Even as hard as I worked to improve myself, and to prove that to Ami, she still doesn't want to even be around me," Usagi said between sniffles. "She… they… don't trust me. And it's like they have no use for me anymore—that they don't… need me anymore."
She paused for a moment as the idea that she had just uttered reverberated in her mind. It wasn't just that her senshi were annoyed that she was a poor fighter and typically got in the way. Nor was it that her friends thought she was lazy and ditzy and, though sweet, not terribly bright and a horrible student. If it were just that, they surely would have taken the time to help her improve her fighting skill or her grades, and at times they had attempted to do just that. But they never, ever, would have quit and given up on Usagi as they were friends. They would have stuck with it no matter how long it took for the blonde to eventually catch up. They didn't. They abandoned her, and they did so because they didn't need to have her around anymore. No matter by how much she improved as a student or as a fighter, they didn't need her. Not anymore. Or at least, that was what Usagi had construed. But even then that interpretation didn't make perfect sense to her and it left a lot of questions unanswered.
Luna pulled back slightly and stared intently into Usagi's eyes. "Usagi, you absolutely are needed, and wanted," she said with an unabashed intensity that startled the girl. For a moment her tears and sobbing ceased. "Without you, what good is this world, this planet? Hell, what good is the entire solar system? You are far more important and useful than any of them!"
"Luna…" Usagi whispered in amazement of Luna's directness. A tiny glimmer of light and hope shined in her tear-moistened eyes. "Maybe she's right," she thought with a tiny smile briefly gracing her lips. But it was all too brief and the fleeting smile disappeared, replaced by the same dejected pout and dim, morose eyes she previously wore.
"But… still… even if you're right… I need them as much as they need me. And I can't seem to get them back," Usagi whispered. She sank her face back down into her already-soaked pillow and continued to cry silently.
"Usagi, I—"
Luna was about to say more reassuring words, but she was interrupted by a creaking sound caused by the opening of the bedroom door. She immediately froze and collapsed to Usagi's bed, pretending as she always hated to do to be a stuffed toy. However, it was what she had to do so that she would accidentally reveal her princess's secret. She didn't know whether it was the impact of Usagi punching her bed or some other impetus, but at that moment her mother Ikuko hurriedly walked through the door. It was instantly clear that the sole purpose for walking upstairs and to the girl's bedroom was the extreme concern she had for her daughter. She didn't quite know what it was, but she could feel, almost before she opened the door, that something wasn't quite right. She immediately sat down on the bed and held Usagi in a gentle hug in an attempt to begin consoling the sulking mass of depression that was her daughter.
"Usagi, dear, what's wrong?" Ikuko asked with absolute motherly compassion.
Usagi slowly turned her face from the pillow and looked up at her mother. She pondered for a slight second where to begin before settling on starting from the beginning.
"Mamoru… Mamoru broke up with me, and… and he's seeing Ami instead!" Usagi cried. She lifted herself up from the bed and tightly wrapped both arms around her mother while burying her face into her shoulder. Ikuko started to slowly rock back and forth while softly petting her back to console her.
"Don't worry my sweet child, I'm here," Ikuko whispered calmly into Usagi's ear. She held her daughter as gently and lovingly as she could in complete silence for several minutes. No words truly needed to be spoken, as Usagi fully felt and understood her mother's true love for her. Despite whatever history she had as the princess of the moon, she was Ikuko's daughter. She was just as much Ikuko's daughter as she was Queen Serenity's daughter, and both mothers always gave as much love to her as they possibly could offer. Usagi's tears slowly started to recede and she eventually became far less despondent. As she held her daughter, Ikuko could sense the immense burden of a week's worth of emotional pain.
"I'm always here for you, my sweet Usagi," Ikuko said softly as she slowly moved Usagi so she could gaze upon her tear-stained face. Her serene sepia-toned eyes attempted to instill the same calmness into Usagi's moistened blue eyes. "I will help you through whatever problems you have for as long as I live. I do it because I love you, and you're my only daughter. All you have to do is let me know. You don't have to feel your pain alone."
Usagi nodded slowly. What her mom said was absolutely true. She didn't need to shoulder the burden of so much pain and misery alone. The more she thought about it, the more she knew in her mind and in her heart that she needed to eventually tell her mother everything.
"Ma-Mamoru broke up with me a week ago, mama," Usagi mumbled slowly. Tears continued to fall but much more slowly than before. "I haven't been able to contact him for days beforehand, and then when I went to his apartment to talk, he told me he didn't love me."
"Do you know what made him think that all of a sudden?" Ikuko asked carefully.
Usagi slowly shook her head. "No… and, a part of me doesn't care to know," she said dejectedly, but with a slight tinge of anger in her voice. She really did want to know what made him reject her at the same time her friends abandoned her. It was just that she didn't care if knowing would allow her to salvage their relationship. As she thought more and more about Mamoru, she realized that she would gladly refuse any form of relationship with him, romantic or otherwise. Ikuko also felt that small amount of anger in her daughter as the conversation about the man continued, so she decided to change the topic.
"What about your friend Ami? How does she feel about you?" Ikuko asked softly, her eyes cautiously gauging Usagi's expressions.
"She hates me," Usagi said softly, her tone one of absolute dejection, the anger from before long gone. She looked down at the floor with dim, pitiful eyes for a moment before adding in the same sad tone, "They all hate me."
"Are you sure they do?" Ikuko asked incredulously. The last thing she wanted to contemplate was the complete social abandonment of her daughter. It seemed so farfetched that such an open, jovial, and carefree girl could be so easily discarded by the people she loved and trusted the most.
Usagi sluggishly nodded. "They all said as much," she whispered miserably but in an outright deliberate manner. "They said I was fat, stupid, irresponsible, useless… Rei was especially harsh. She said that I should just go away and never bother them again."
She could not cry even if she wanted to at that moment as she was out of tears, but it didn't matter. She was doing what she wanted to do and knew she needed to do. The more she spoke, the more she revealed just how much abuse she received from her friends, the more cathartic it felt and the more she felt hopeful instead of depressed. Then she remembered Luna's words and how strongly she believed in her. "I can't give up," she told herself. "As long as I have my mom and dad, and even my annoying-as-hell brother, and as long as I have Luna, I can't give up. They believe in me. I have to believe in myself." She closed her eyes and slowly released a huge sigh.
"Usagi…" Ikuko whispered in sadness.
"Don't worry, mom," Usagi said. Her voice was beginning to lose its sullen overtones and become more optimistic. Even her eyes were slowly starting to revive their usual sparkle. "I truly believe that I will get them back. They will become my friends again. Everything I'm doing is to make sure that happens."
"That's why you've changed so much, so quickly? That's why you started acting more… more like the responsible young woman I always knew you were?" Ikuko asked.
"Yep," Usagi said happily, her lips curling into a light smile. Her eyes started to truly shine for the first time in a week. Indeed, her mother had faith in her and truly believed in her—more than her own senshi had ever believed in her, even.
A light buzzing sound could be heard emanating from the shoulder bag that was lying on the ground next to the bed. It was her cell phone vibrating, signaling that someone was trying to contact her. Usagi reached into the bag and removed the phone. The outer screen was illuminated light blue and showed an animated, manga-like picture of a girl with short blue hair. Ami was calling her. The thought of Ami and how much her former friend hated her extinguished the sparkle in her eyes as quickly as her budding hope had ignited it.
"What is it, dear?" Ikuko asked cautiously, concerned in the sudden swelling of misery in her daughter once again.
"It's Ami. She's calling me," Usagi said in complete dejection.
The phone vibrated once more in her hands then fell silent. Usagi sighed and hoped that the phone would not ring again. She definitely didn't want to talk to Ami so soon after their last meeting. Her enthusiasm for recovering the damaged friendships was tempered by the reality of the oppressive pain she would have to bear in order to actually do so. She needed time and space to prepare herself. And why would Ami have called so soon? To rub the fact that she has her ex-boyfriend in her face once more? Alas, her hopes would be dashed as mere seconds later the phone started to vibrate once again and Ami's face once more graced the outer screen. Usagi just stared at the phone as it vibrated in her hands.
"Don't be afraid, honey. Just believe, as you said," Ikuko said calmly as she sat at the side of Usagi's bed. Her light smile and calm, tender eyes reaffirmed the confidence she had in her daughter.
Usagi slowly flipped open the phone just before it stopped vibrating for the last time. "Maybe she doesn't hate me. Maybe I can get her back. I just have to believe," she thought, taking several deep breaths as she unhurriedly moved the phone to the side of her face.
"Hello?" The sadness in her voice was obvious.
"U-Usagi… chan," Ami said in a distressed voice. It was clear that she had been crying almost as heavily as Usagi had cried. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry for everything!"
"Ami-chan…" Usagi replied softly. She was taken aback by Ami's sorrowful tone. "Has she been crying the entire time? Why?" she pondered.
"Usagi, I know… I know I've been quite… mean… to you in the past few days. I… I know you think I… that you think I hate you," Ami said softly in a rough cadence that was interrupted by sobs.
"Do you?" Usagi asked in a somber whisper full of nervous anticipation.
Ami paused for several moments before responding in a voice that was very soft, bordering on inaudible, yet full of sincerity. "I… don't. I absolutely don't hate you, Usagi-chan."
"Then why… why did you say all those hateful things to me?" Confusion was etched across the blonde's face.
"That's the most difficult thing for me. I… I don't know if you'll believe me if I said it, but… I didn't believe that you… were you," Ami said hesitantly.
"I don't understand," Usagi said with even more puzzlement in her voice and her eyes widening somewhat.
"I don't… fully understand it myself. It was just a feeling… a feeling that suddenly came to me. It seemed so strange and unfathomable. But, I slowly began to believe in it the more I looked at you. I-I feel so… sick… sick and angry at myself… just thinking about it now." Ami was speaking in such a wavering voice that it was a miracle she didn't just break down and start weeping right then and there.
"Ami," Usagi began to ask softly but with the same strange melancholy-sounding calm she displayed when she talked with Luna the previous day, "is that what you meant when you said I brought it on myself?"
"Yes."
Usagi paused. She wanted to probe Ami more about just what it was she felt, and to ask her more directly if she remembered her promise as a senshi. However she couldn't so long as her mom was still in the room. She might have wanted to eventually reveal her true identity to her mother, but she didn't want to divulge the other girls' secrets as well. Ami also wanted to elaborate more on her thoughts and motivations but was more compelled to do so in person.
"Usagi, there's just so much I want to tell you, but I feel so much better telling you in person," Ami said solemnly.
"I understand. I feel the same way," Usagi replied calmly. "How about we meet tomorrow, maybe sometime before we start to work on our project."
"That's fine," Ami said in a low voice. There was a pause for several moments during which all Usagi could hear were muffled sobs and sniffles. It was evident Ami was struggling to compose herself. Soon her voice could be heard through the phone's speaker once again. "Usagi, I hope you ever find it in your heart to forgive me for all the pain I put you through," she whispered almost inaudibly.
"I hope so too," Usagi replied in that calm voice with the smallest trace of enthusiasm present. She heard one more sob and then a click in the earpiece that signified Ami disconnected the call. Usagi closed the phone and put it back in her shoulder bag.
"Well?" Ikuko asked expectedly.
Usagi looked up at her mom with the largest smile she had made in weeks. Her sapphire blue eyes sparkled at their brightest. "I was wrong. Ami doesn't hate me. She doesn't hate me," she said in a calm voice that seemingly conflicted with her external expressions of joy.
"I knew she didn't. She couldn't hate you, no matter what happens between you two," Ikuko said gently in a soothing tone. "I don't believe any of them could."
"Now I just need to work on the others," the pigtailed blonde said in a slightly playful tone.
"I fully believe they'll come around just like Ami has," Ikuko said with confidence. She walked to Usagi and wrapped her arms around her in a warm hug. "I'm just so happy to see you not so miserable anymore."
Usagi pulled herself closer to her mother and gazed upward into a pair of comforting eyes. Light tears started to form in her eyes once again, but this time they were tears of happiness, not pain.
"Thank you so much, mama. For everything. I love you so much!" Usagi said euphorically, the tears falling slowly from her clenched eyes and streaking down her rosy cheeks. She hugged her mother so tightly that the woman winced ever so slightly.
"I love you too, dear. I love you too." Ikuko replied softly with a light chuckle. "Now, I have to go make you lunch for tomorrow. I'll make a really special one for you," she said with a mischievous grin as she slowly released her hold of Usagi.
"I'd like that very much," Usagi said with a wide, bright smile. She moved a hand to her face to whisk away a few tears from her cheeks.
Ikuko nodded and gave Usagi one last tender smile before turning to walk back downstairs and finish preparing the boxed lunches her daughter and son would take to school the next day. As she passed through the doorway she suddenly came to a halt as though she felt something strange, another presence. It wasn't an ominous presence by any means, and she felt a warm sensation course through her body. Her curious eyes pointed at first at the ceiling and then toward Usagi's bed. They spotted a nervously silent Luna lying motionless on her side, appearing to be a stuffed toy that was accidentally knocked over. Her eyes widened slightly as she recognized the black cat from before, as the focus of the beautiful sketch Usagi drew almost a week ago. "That's strange," was the phrase that escaped her lips as she gazed at Luna for a split second longer before shrugging her shoulders and calmly walking out of Usagi's bedroom.
