Chapter 12

When I wake up I am no longer on the hovercraft, but in a bleached white room that hurts my eyes. The sheets are scratchy too, and the confusion is heavy on me. I was in the arena last I recall, with those terrible creatures that howl and tear sinew from bone. But...where is Lena? I think...no we were lifted from that bloodstained ocean. Yes, so where am I now? Where are my mentors, my friend?

"Hello?" I call into the silence, but no one comes and I feel the fear re-enter my gut in a terrible way. Something flashes in my mind's eye for a moment, a hovercraft floating in the air and a bloody hand in my own. Its clarity is alarming and causes me to jump up with ferocity, the needle in my arm ripping out painfully and causing blood to run in rivulets over my pale skin. I don't pay attention, I just head over to the mirror on the wall and look into it so I can get my bearings. I wish I never had. What I see is more upsetting than anything I could have ever made myself look at. It only confuses me more.

The scars that should litter my skin are gone, I cognitively know this, but still my reflection shows me what I know I looked like in that place. The rips in my flesh make me scream, the white nightgown I am in swirling around me as I run away, slamming the door behind me. I find people in my escape, but there is no one in the white halls that can catch me even though the nurses yell that someone needs to catch me.

"Miss Cresta you need to stop, you need to get back into your room!" One yells at me, but I don't stop and I duck the Peacekeepers who dive at me around corners. I avoid the doctors with their needles too, and the nurses with their multi-colored and manicured hands. I run full speed until I hit a hard chest, strong arms encompassing me and holding me there with an iron grip. I struggle viciously, but this person is well built and much taller than I can fight off.

"Annie, Annie calm down. You're okay Annie." A familiar voice soothes, and I look up into those beautiful sea- green eyes, now so full of hurt it overflows onto me. In a second the fear dissipates a smidge because I know this boy. I know him, and he knows me and at one point we had shared our thoughts and loves and I told him my deepest secret on a rooftop. Finnick Odair knows about me, and that comforts my mind more than I would be willing to admit. I wrap my arms around his back in a hug, tightly pushing myself into him to hide. To hide from all the horrors in my mind.

"Where am I?" I ask in a shaky voice, my body racked with fear when my pursuers catch up. He looks down softly, hugging me gently to his chest and kissing the top of my head. I pull back a bit and look at him, the gentle smile making me think of a time when I wasn't so terrified. When I was still in District 4, and he wasn't his arrogant self. A weathered hand sets itself upon my face, the rough and wrinkled skin calming my frayed nerves more.

" You're in the hospital because they had to make you ready for the crowning ceremony. We were just coming up to get you, so Cinna can dress you up and get this over with." Old Mags explains quietly from next to him. Relief floods through me at the sight of her stooped body, but there is something in her eyes that speaks of sadness. A crowning means there is a winner, and Lena was alive with me. Does that mean Lena is here too? Are we both being crowned? I remember her on the hovercraft with me, and I want to see her before we go on stage. Mags would know how I could do that. She would understand why I want to see her.

"Does that mean Lena's here? She was on the hovercraft . Her canon went off but she was still breathing...and I held on so they could save her. I-I...she..." I trail off, something in my mind burning for me to pay attention. Mags grips my hand just before the wave hits too, her eyes panicked at the mention of my comrade. No amount of my own ignorance however was going to ward off the nightmares, because if you mention it enough then it will come.

By the look of them both though I have relived this already since my Arena.

Memories covered in hot red blood fill my head to the brim, highlighting gruesome truths my subconscious had tried to hold back. It comes onto me like the wave had through the trees, and shakes me to the core like the earthquake that drove us into Hell. I remember it all in stunning clarity, Oliver's head and Carrie being run through. The mutts that devoured everything and anyone, like innocent little Winston and my big brother. I remember the hovercraft in the sky, the doctor's serious faces, men in white uniforms with guns and cold eyes...a shot in the hollow space after whispered words...I scream.

I scream and cover my ears to the noises, to the metallic bullet ringing and the cries of my friends as they die. I shove my hands over my ears and drop to the floor on my knees in utter despair. Somewhere I hear the doctors yelling for them to give me over, saying I was..mad. In the haze I hear Mags screaming obscenities at them, and Finnick bellowing that I'm a Victor and can do whatever I damn well please. But most of all, in my breakdown, I realize that there is water running in rivers from my eyes. For the first time in so long, since I was but a small girl, I am crying.

For them, I weep.

"Annie, sweetie you need to get up. They aren't real girl. Whatever it is, it isn't real." Mags tells me with confidence, kneeling next to me and stroking my hair from my face. I stare at her through blurry eyes, the images receding little by little as she strokes my hair and Finnick wraps me back in his comforting embrace. The doctors and nurses have gone back to their bustling, apparently done with me after getting verbal lashings from my mentors. I can't say however that I am relieved, because the memories are gnawing into the edges of my sanity. I'm terrified that when they said I was mad, that perhaps they were right...

"What's happening to me?" I choke over the tears, my hands lowering from my ears slowly and steadily. Mags' eyes shimmer with tears of her own.

"It's quite alright girl, just..." She tries, but her throat seems to close off her words and she closes her eyes tight.

"It's being a Victor Annie. Nothing more, and nothing less than being a survivor. It gets easier with time, even if at this moment that doesn't seem like it will be the case. Mags and I are going to be here though, and if you need anything, we will be there to pick you up." Finnick says for her, and the whispers in my ear along with Mags' truthful gaze make me believe every word.

I wiggle out of their embraces, standing to square my shoulders and shrug off the awful feelings plaguing me. They take me in with concern and I give the smallest of smiles while I wipe the salt from my face. I rub my hands over my eyes vigorously, trying to throw off the drowsiness that makes your eyes droop after you cry, feeling physically exhausted by my fit. People all around look warily at us, like it is a contagious thing that I have. That my grief...insanity is something they can catch. One nurse is even so bold as to laugh at me after another nurse whispers in her ear and points.

"Hey, I'm a Victor. I've survived Hell and back you bubblegum pink freak, and I know how to maim. Don't test me." I growl, glaring at her with all the hatred I can muster. I want them to see me like I was in the Arena, not the weak little girl who needs held and screams. I am not weak, and I don't need Mags and Finnick's pity to get me through.

The nurse recoils into the other one who whispered, and I turn on my heels to look at my mentors with the same confidence I have had for all these years. Mags looks hurt that I would hide behind a mask of lies, but Finnick gives me a guarded look that says he neither condones it or goes against it. He only turns away and we both follow his tall form down the halls and into a waiting room of such grandeur that I want to vomit. Vaulted ceilings and marble with fancy woods and furniture, made solely for the privileged when they are ailing. I have never seen a hospital in Four, yet here they get fantastic medicines and comfortable beds.

"You might not want to look like that sugar, because you are a Victor and that entails being accepting and loving of the Capitol." Finnick whispers in my ear on the way out, holding my hand tightly but gently in his. I look him in the eyes, and in his gaze something falters. He smiles nicely, the arrogant lines of his smirks falling into easy glances before the change happens again. We both go back to our other selves and he helps me into the car, my mind wandering through the possibilities that this Capitol persona could mimic my own. Even Mags becomes stoic in the car, like I have known her often to be. Does every Victor do this?

"What all does it entail, being a Victor?" I ask in curiosity, the other two exchanging glances that tell me all I need to know. Lying is the only thing you do as a Victor, living the lie you told them to escape from those wretched Games. Out of the frying pan, and into the fire.

"Well you'll have to go on the Victory Tour in a few months, and when you get back you will move into your Victor's house with whomever you choose. Sometimes visits will be required during the Games, including the first Game after yours. You will need to mentor, and attend parties by Caesar before the kickoff of the Games. Other than that you will be able to live in Four with comfort." Mags tells me, her face guarded and her voice ever so slightly hesitant. Finnick looks like he wants to add more but knows better than to do that.

"Doesn't sound so bad. Maybe I can bring home another Victor, give the people of the Capitol another boy or girl from District Four." I say in an arrogant tone. I hear the driver give an appreciative chuckle, noticing that he must have been listening to our conversation. So Victors get little to no privacy, ears and eyes always observant at least here in the Capitol. Interesting that I am still playing a game even after I presumably won the hardest in the world.

"Don't get over confident there now sugar, it took me five years to find someone who could survive the Arena." Finnick laughs good naturedly, but I read the pride in his voice as well as Mags' smile. I smirk, glancing at the driver who has his eyes on me in the mirror. He looks away as soon as I see him.

"That's the pot calling the kettle black Odair, saying I'm too over confident. You have a head as big as the President's mansion and preen like a peacock." I toss back with a wide and innocent smile. He returns it, all three of our laughter filling the empty car. To think that not long ago the memories haunted me and broke like high tide, that they reduced me to tears in the middle of a crowd of people. Now I'm acting like none of it affected me so negatively, like the edges aren't blurred and waiting to encroach with the darkness. I continue to smile none the less.

The banter between Finnick and I continues through the ride, the tension in his shoulders lessening and his laughter more believable with every joke. When the car stops however the mirth drains from his face, beautiful mouth set in a hard line. Mags' weathered features fall too, and I feel the unease return to our group. It brings back memories of Oliver, Lena, and I in the Arena, laughing and having a good time before setting out to hunt. I clench my jaw at the remembrance of them and my eyes burn. I concentrate solely on Finnick's back, stepping from the car in a white night gown and bloodshot eyes. There is no roaring crowd I need to impress, but tonight there will be and that means I'm going to have to watch the recaps and keep it together. I swallow hard, following Finnick through familiar halls to where I know Cinna and the team awaits.

"What's got you bothered girl? You look like you're thinking about something?" Mags asks from beside me and I start, lost in the thought of reliving it all. I put on my fakest smile, and jut out my chin while pushing my shoulders back to bring me to my absolute tallest.

"I'm not bothered, I was just debating on how I was going to say how proud I am to Caesar." I toss out, a bored voice hiding the panic boiling in my veins.

"As long as you're sure you're alright girl." She concedes, Finnick scoffing from in front of the door leading to Cinna. He leans on it with all to cockiness in the world, smirk plastered there in near permanent arrogance.

"Come on Mags, leave her be. She's in control now, her mental breakdown is over. Everyone has one when they first wake up. Let her enjoy being Panem's favorite girl." He purrs in that Capitol accent, making me scrunch my nose and turn away from him. Instead I lean down and hug Mags tight, my chin on her bony shoulder and arms snaked around her tiny body.

"I know what you're thinking, and I know you're scared. But if you could live through it once, you can watch it. Trust me, because after that it's over Annie. We'll go home together, and we'll get you through the rest." She whispers, hugging me as tightly as I am her. She lets go first again, walking off in the direction we came from and leaving me with Finnick. I turn back to see his smirk fallen, mouth in a line. He doesn't make the move to leave.

"Are you staying with me this time?" I ask, and he looks me in the eye. Then at the same time we both smile, that same comfort I sometimes feel around him enveloping me in a cocoon of acceptance. I let it too, even though I know it won't last long.

"Yeah, I'm going to stay here for a while I think. See what he has planned you you know, maybe give you some pointers about talking to Caesar again. That okay with you? " He answers nicely, opening the door for me.

"I guess it could be okay, but you have to behave." I joke, which gets that genuine laugh out of him again. I walk past him into the prep room I have seen twice before, nothing different or changed at all. Jacques, Victoria, and Delano storm me in a fit of screams and crying, hugging me tightly in a circle made of them. I squeeze them back, their chatter a blast from the past even if it has only been around three weeks.

"We knew you would make it! Oh we just knew our girl would be a star!" Delano shrieks, my face in her hands as she grins broadly. I smile back, her eyes rimmed with unshed tears.

"Glad you guys were thinking of me." I say as genuinely as I can muster without sounding cheesy.

"Oh of course, we almost all had coronaries when we saw those mutts. But I kept saying you would pull through, that if it was going to be anyone that it would be you." Victoria says past tiny tears, the other two gasping and nodding their heads vigorously.

"Yes, and those rotten mentors from One and Two sending bad gifts to tributes! Is that even legal Finnick?" Jacques asks my mentor from across the room. I spin to see his reaction, a darkness to his features telling me that if it wasn't, it will be now.

"It is now prep, it certainly is now." He tells them in a sterner voice than I have ever heard him use. They don't notice it, but I do.

"Good, serves them right if they're punished for it." Delano tells the other two, and Cinna walks in just in time to distract them from any questioning they may have done.

"Okay, enough with the chatter. We need to make her look presentable for Caesar and though it isn't hard, we still have little time to finish." He orders and they scatter to get their items. He is a welcome sight in simple clothes, the easy grin melting some tension in me. He hugs me close, out heights matched so I can see over his shoulder. Finnick looks bothered again by my proximity to my stylist, his gaze fixed on Cinna's back in such a way I break the embrace far quicker than I wished.

"Hey," is all I say.

"Hey yourself Annie Cresta. I had a good feeling I would be seeing you again." He tells me with sincerity. I remember our time before the Arena, the bond forged in a child's last moments of complete innocence.

"Thank you, for before the Games. You know, sticking with me and all." I say awkwardly. He understands, patting me on the shoulder and guiding me towards the chair I have sat in for hours before.

"Alright Odair, get your pretty ass over here and help me. And wipe the smirk off your face, it would be a shame if it stuck like that forever if it hasn't already." He calls to Finnick, and the preps laugh as he grudgingly walks over.

By the time they are finished I have on the same sort of outfit as the first interview, blowy sleeves and pants, but they are no longer in pretty blues or greens. I now wear gold, shimmering in my movements when I walk behind Finnick to the stage area. I feel the knot in my gut tighten, the horror I will face irking into my mind. I feel sick.

"So I noticed that the button for this floor was back." I say to Finnick, just to get my mind distracted. He smiles, seeing right through the act.

"You'll be fine sugar, and yes the button shows up again. Don't ask me how but it does." He tells me, the smirk not as prominent but there none the less. I roll my eyes, scoffing at his proposal that I was scared.

"Odair I know I'll be fine. Just don't be too sad when I steal your spotlight okay?" I smirk back, straightening my back like I did the first time and trailing a woman who ushers me to the edge of the stage. Finnick joins me there, standing next to me so close our arms touch. I don't get the chance to tell him to back off a bit before the prep team is announced, making their entrance across from us. They milk it up, and when Cinna is called they cheer over the crowd somehow.

Before he goes Finnick gives my hand a squeeze, his eyes full of sympathy. Then the charm is back on and he is preening for the crowd, a total ass. I roll my eyes when he bows, ladies I can make out in the front row fainting. Some throw roses, and the screams are unintelligible as he struts. I have to give it to him, he knows how to sell himself to them. he has the female population eating out of his hands.

"Your turn Miss Cresta, good luck." The woman with the headset says with a huge grin and I smile back, preparing my look and shaking out my shoulders. Then I step out onto the stage, the lights blinding me and the roar of the crowd louder than I have ever heard it. I put my arms up and the flowers come flying, landing at my feet in the wake of my blinding smile. It doesn't reach my eyes, but the crowd doesn't understand that. They eat out of the palms of my hands now, Finnick sitting behind my chair next to Caesar and observing the crowd. I bow low before the master of ceremonies, his face full of happiness at the willingness I have.

President Snow, all dressed in white, steps forward from the side and places a golden crown on my head with a shadowy smile. I grin like I love his attention, and he stares into my eyes for a long moment. I don't know what he sees, but it makes his lips pull back over pinkish teeth, like something had stained them. It turns my blood to ice.

"Congratulations, on a most impressive Victory." He says with all the untrustworthiness of the snake he resembles. I bow to him too, taking my seat next to Caesar with a flourish while the President is escorted off stage. His departure makes the hairs on my neck cease standing on end.

"Miss Annie Cresta of District Four everyone! Your Victor of the Seventieth Annual HUNGER GAMES!" He yells for the crowd, the noise deafening while he takes his seat. In the rush he smiles gently, not the huge famous one, but a soft one that speaks of...compassion. I smile in return, and then the Flickerman I know is back, quieting the crowd into a hush.

"Well, I suppose I should properly tell you hello." He jokes, taking my hand and kissing it with grace.

"I should too, it's good to see you again Caesar." I say politely, the charm coming naturally after seeing Finnick play enough people.

"And you Miss Cresta. Tell me, what is it like being a Victor?" He asks and I grin my career grin, hoping the guys back home and my family understand how proud I have to be.

"It's surreal actually, an entirely different feeling than I thought I would experience. It almost doesn't feel real." I answer, the pride oozing as I look out into the crowd. He laughs.

"I can tell you it is. Now tell us about what you plan on doing now. What are you going to do when you go home?" He inquires, leaning a little closer to me in his chair.

"I'm gonna hug my siblings, the second I'm off the train. Then I'm going for a walk on the sand. It's amazing how much I miss the sand by the docks." I say, the nostalgia filling my heart. The audience sighs in pleasure, some wiping tears away in the front row.

"I can't wait to see such a touching reunion, and see these siblings of yours. But enough with the probing, we need to get to the recap. AM I RIGHT FOLKS?" Caesar yells. They howl in agreement for him, the screen lowering and the chairs turning so we can witness it...So I can witness the Hell all over again. The cameras are on me too, I feel the eyes of thousands burning holes in my skin. They expect me to be confident and stay unabashed by the images I will see. It makes me want to pull my knees up and hide.

Instead I look at Cinna, off to the side still and giving me encouraging stares. I smile at him, my prep team quietly cheering me on. Finnick just looks at me without much emotion on his face but absolute boredom, causing me to glare at him in a way that would make some men cringe.

The Capitol Anthem blares, the seal illuminating the room and going immediately to the countdown at the cornucopia. There I see myself taking glances and inventory, my eyes colder than I have ever seen them. When the buzzer goes off I see just how fast we ran, gaining the horn in little time at all. I lived it, and even to my eyes the speed is impressive. Then comes the girl from One, and with a face void of any compassionate emotion I kill her. My hands clench at how I look, knowing that future me will do even more terrible things. My mouth feels dry and parched with fear of what I may be about to witness.

"It was such an impressive kill, we were all amazed by such power in such a small girl." Caesar comments and I grin like I did when she died. I grin like a killer.

Then we play the waiting game, the days passing in quiet harmony with Oliver and Lena. It hurts to see them so alive, and when Lena smiles it makes my eyes burn. But Caesar doesn't cease peppering me with questions and I force myself to answer them all without too much sadness. Then it happens all over again, starting with the death of the girl from five at my own hand. Next comes his head, tumbling to the ground and there is so much death that all I register is his body falling slowly and Carrie run through by my own flesh and blood. The other two dead people escape my notice, only to be thought of after the video is paused and I see their blood on past me's clothes.

"My goodness, what an instinct you have Miss Cresta. Tributes who have trained all their lives and you killed them easily. It seems your ally wasn't so lucky however, how did you feel about that?" He asks nonchalantly, my mind trying so hard to keep the mask and effectively answer the question.

"I...I felt hurt. They both were my allies, because Carrie was the reason I got the bow and arrows in the first place. It was devastating when they left us." I tell him in honesty, but at the same time keeping up my tuff kid exterior. The sympathy from the crowd makes the entire room loud again, but the master host quickly gets them under control.

"We should certainly get back to it . We have more of the games to cover." He tells them all, the roaring turned into whispers and quieted sobs.

So it begins again, the sponsor gifts coming in and the speculation on my face is mixed with primal fury. Then comes Winston's departure, and the fake gifts preceding real ones until Lena and I are shaken messes on the screen. I see myself deteriorating in a way, becoming a distrusting killing machine. That machine grips Lena's hand in the earthquake, and that same machine drags along the only thing that meant anything to me in there. I grip the golden fabric without fuss, knowing no one will notice my clenched fists. I clench them so hard blood drips from my palm and onto the floor.

Because the mutts have returned, and their howls pierce through my chest like a cold knife. It stops my breathe all over again, and in my past eyes I see hardened fear. They screech, and I am living it all again in my mind because the screen is disappearing with them all. I am there once more, my sword in one hand and the trident in the other. I feel Lena behind me, hear the boy from One's screams. I hear all of their screams, the roar of the water, the bullet from a gun...

Someone is screaming hysterically, her voice pleading for it to go away in the most broken tone I have ever heard. Why won't the monsters go away? My throat feels raw too, like I really need a drink of water or I have yelled a lot. It is hard to think however with the girl who is screaming. I would be too if I had to...to...

"Annie! Annie it's okay, they're gone Annie. They can't hurt you anymore." Finnick pleads through the howls of pain. It's me...

I clamp my mouth shut, and I open my eyes to see the dim lights of backstage. Caesar stands beside Finnick, looking absolutely next to tears while he looks down at me. Finnick is in tears, his face blotched and eyes full of pain. Pain for the fact I had a breakdown on the stage, for the fact I watched Lena be devoured with my brother and Winston all over again. I notice Mags when I look to the ceiling, my head cradled in her lap. She looks like she has been crying too, and it makes me feel horrid that I was the source of her tears.

"I'm sorry...I-I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep it together Mags. I had been paying attention to Finnick," now I look back at him," but you disappeared. The mutts came on and it was like a live action replay...I was there again. I'm sorry." I look him deep in the eyes, and he picks me up off of Mags, my face in his chest while he holds me close. I let him because he smells like home...like Mags smells like home...and it gives me courage.

"Don't apologize Annie. Not for that." He whispers soothingly, and I hear Caesar give a happy sigh to hear those words. Mags pats my shoulder gently, the three of us connected in a way that makes my weathered heart soar the skies.

"Let's go girl, there isn't much more we can do now. We have a train to catch." Mags tells me and Finnick picks me up, setting me on my feet facing Caesar. I awkwardly put my hand behind my head, looking not quite into his eyes.

"I'm sorry...I know I'll get in trouble for it too. I feel it, but I hope you don't. I-I hope you don't." I say, because he has never been anything but kind to me. I have watched him make kids in his interviews, helping them all to become something. And now, he shakes his head with a closed-mouth grin.

"No, don't say sorry. Just get home, that's all I want from you Miss Cresta. Leave and heal. I'll see you for the Victory Tour." He responds, those usually lively eyes tired and content. It is something I never would have dreamed to see.

We do as he asks, Finnick holding my hand and dragging me out of the building with Mags on our heels. There is no one who intercepts, and we come to the train with no fuss at all. Grey isn't onboard, nor is Cinna and the preps. It is only a hollow shell of a thing, the engine leaving behind eerie noises. The three of us take seats on a couch, Mags looking exhausted, Finnick concerned. Together we sit in silence for a long time, the sun rising slowly in the window to the east before Finnick speaks at last.

"They think you're crazy, a failed Victor." He tells me in saddened tones. The truly sad part is I'm not completely surprised.

The saddest of all is I too, I too believe it.