Chapter twelve
It had been three days since my blood loss event. And today, I was heading in to have chemo, to see if, hopefully my body does not regret it. If it does, I have to face other, more life threatening scenarios and possibilities. I was scared, secretly, but I wasn't going to bring that up and scare everyone else more.
My mother had been down for two days now, she was staying in my room at Charlie's, that must have been uncomfortable for her.
I was being wheeled, in my bed, toward the chemo room, Carlisle promised he would supervise. He stopped me in the hallway, where my father, mother, Esme, Alice, Emmett, Rose, Jasper stood. Edward stood against the wall looking, terrified.
"Bella, we'll be waiting right outside" my mother said, trying to comfort me. But she wasn't, I wasn't scared about Chemo, I was worried about its effect, would it make me better or worse. I was also more worried about Edward, will he be okay? "I love you honey" my mum said, kissing my head.
I smiled and kissed her back "I love you too mum"
Charlie seemed awkward standing there, next to mum while she said she loved me. She moved out of the way to let Charlie say his thing. He made a funny face, just like he used to when I was little. I laughed and opened my arms and he gave me a hug "I love you Charlie" I whispered, knowing he doesn't like showing emotion.
"I love you more Bells, more than anything in this world" He said.
They both took off after that, probably not able to stay any more or they might not have let me go in. There strange sometimes... very strange.
"Bella, be safe honey, I have to go but I wanted to wish you good luck" Esme said, kissing my cheek "Come visit us for dinner when you get out of here" She said.
I nodded "I would love to"
"Bella, Edward told us, I hope you don't mind..." Emmett said, nodding to Jasper and Rose.
I smiled "I know, I told him to, sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but I wanted to -"
"Live a normal life, I know Bells" Rose said, smiling "It's okay though, I would have done the same thing.
"Thanks, that means a lot" I hugged all three of them and then Alice was revealed once they left down the hall.
"Remember what you said, I'd get better, go home and then you'd get better and go home too?"
I nodded
"Well, just don't forget that... Cause I'm better, so you have to get better too" She ordered.
"Okay Alice" I said, hugging her tightly. "I'll see you soon"
I heard her sniff and then run toward where Jasper waited.
Then there was one.
Edward. He was still leaning against the wall, He saw he was the last one and came over and kissed me. It wasn't a soft peck, it was a passionate, this-may-be-our-last-kiss type of kiss. Then he released me and I was left breathing heavily. I saw fear, pain, hope, loss and love in his eyes, his green pools of emotions. "I love you" He whispered, "Come back to me" Then, he sprinted down the hall and into Carlisle's office.
I was left, confused, puzzled, worried and scared.
"Come on Bella, lets get you set up" Carlisle mumbled, pushing my bed toward the elevator.
"So, how are you feeling?" He asked me, as we rode the elevator up.
"Tired" I said, knowing he wouldn't take my false feeling of 'I'm fine'. "And sore, tired and sore, that pretty much sums it up"
He chuckled "That's about right, hopefully, I can make you better"
I nodded "Hopefully"
I was throwing up when my father and mother came into my hospital room. Throwing up was a main side effect of chemo. "Oh Bella" My mum hushed, coming over to help me. I waved her away with my hand as I hid my face into the bucket once more.
My father took it once I had finished and my mum helped me wash my mouth and then lay back down.
My parents stayed a few more hours and then left to go back home. So I was left alone, but not for long.
"Bellsie!" I heard Emmett boom.
How the hell did they get in here? It was past visiting hours!
"Emmett" I groaned, as he came running into the room. Ugh, moves too fast, makes me dizzy. Where is Carlisle?!
"Emmett, I said to ease her in! Your not even aloud in, so please...calm down," I heard Carlisle scold, following his son in.
Behind Carlisle was Jasper and Alice, Jasper waved silently while Alice smiled and kissed my cheek.
Then, Rose came in, handing me a big bouquet of flowers. "Thanks Rose" I croaked, my voice breaking from soreness.
Then, finally came Edward, who seemed to relax once he saw me. "Hi" I whispered as he came over.
"Hi"
We stared at each other before he leaned down to kiss me. I turned my head and he looked at my puzzled. "I've been throwing up, I'll taste horrible"
He chucked and kissed me lightly on the lips, despite my attempt to move from him.
Carlisle warned them all to keep quiet, and if they did, they could all spend a few hours here. I guess, having connections in the hospital were good, in times like this.
They began to set up while I watched with amusement. Emmett set up a TV, he had actually brought in a TV, but I recognised it from Carlisle's office, so it wasn't as big of a deal, the others brought in some chairs and pillows and Alice made me pick a movie. I chose a comedy, no people dying in a comedy.
Emmett and Rose cuddled into the couch under my window, Alice and Jasper sat in the chairs and Edward stood awkwardly, about to sit down in the left over, straight back hard chair.
I giggled and moved up, so he could sit in behind me. "Come on Edward" I encouraged.
He obliqued and sat behind me, and I snuggled into his chest and pulled the blanket up over both of us, I felt very safe in his arms. Unfortunately, the nicest feeling in the world, being with Edward, was overcome with the ugliest feeling, being sick. I fumbled to get up and reach for the bucket, Edward got it for me and held it in front of me as I threw up into it. "Please" I chocked out in between parts "Leave" I said, embarrassed that they all were aware of me throwing up.
Alice huffed "Don't be a baby" She laughed and handed me a glass of water once I was finished. Then, she took the bucket and rinsed it out for me.
"Thank you" I said, blushing and laying back against Edward. Once we were all comfortable, Emmett brought out the snacks. I laughed and politely Refused any offered, saying they don't look as tempting when brought out a second time.
Then, finally the lights were turned off and the movie on.
Half way threw, Carlisle came in and made us pause the movie so he could check on me. It was about 8pm so I was getting pretty tired and he warned that I should probably go to sleep soon.
Once he left we started up the movie again, but everyone was a bit louder than last time.
"So, anyway, I was walking down the hall, to get some coke" Alice said, laughing in between words "And this guy, obviously from the cancer ward, because of his baldness, asked me if I was an angle come to take him away. When I said no I wasn't, he asked me if I was sure because 'I was too beautiful to be a human'" She cracked up laughing along with everyone else. I laughed, but quietly, because if I had of blown out on a full blasted laugh, I'd probably collapse, and Carlisle would probably ban these gatherings if that happened.
"That was probably Julian, he's kinda of like a Mike, trying to hard. He's asked me out about, 6 times and even when I tell him I'm taken, he doesn't give up" I turned to Edward "Maybe if you go and threaten him..."
Edward laughed "I'd probably go up to him, then run away" He admitted jokingly, but I could see the hidden pain. I wonder why?
We began to pay attention back to the movie. I pulled Edwards arms around me and turned on my side, closing my eyes. I felt happy here, with my friends. "Thank you guys" I mumbled.
"Why?" I recognised as Jasper, asked.
"For trying to include me, despite the fact that I'm stuck in the hospital" I explained.
I felt Edward kiss my head "Sleep my love, I will wake you when where all leaving"
I nodded and drifted off quickly in Edwards arms, dreaming of nothing.
"Bella, Where going, You need to get up so I can get out" Edward said.
I blindly moved forward, complying with his orders. When he left, he laid me back down on the bed.
"By Bella" Alice said, kissing my cheek, Rose followed suit and then Jasper did too, surprising me with a small peck on the forehead.
Emmett however, decided a giant hug will make me better and when I started saying he was going to make me throw up, he quickly retreated to the door, saying a hasty goodbye and dragging Rose with him.
"Come on Edward, we gotta go" Alice told her brother.
Edward came over and I opened my eyes. Wait, I don't want Edward to leave!
"Bye Bella, I'll see you tomorrow after school" He said, kissing me lightly on the lips.
"No" I whined "Stay, please?"
He seemed dawned. "Alice, wait outside please" She nodded and said one goodbye and left, closing the door softly.
"I can't, I haven't slept anywhere in a very long time except at home..."
"But I'll be here. Please Edward, I don't want to be alone" I pleaded, the drugs making me have no sense. If I had of been sane, I would have let him leave.
He seemed torn and then sighed "I'll go see what Carlisle thinks" He told me before leaving.
I rested while he went and spoke to Carlisle and when he came back, he had another pillow in his arms. "Scoot over" He ordered me, pulling off his shoes.
He had changed into a pair of sweat pants. "Where did you get them?" I asked, eyeing the comfortable fabric, he was wearing jeans before!
"Dad, he had spare clothes, he is a doctor" He explained.
I moved over and opened the blankets for him. He climbed in and pulled me against him. "Don't fall out" He warned me.
I laughed but that was taken over by a yawn. "Edward, why were you upset before?" I asked him.
"I wasn't upset" He said, confused.
"No, when I told everyone about the Mike-twin, Julian. And I asked you to go threaten him"
He sighed, tiredly "I don't want to talk about it"
I frowned and turned, awkwardly, around to face him. "You know you can tell me anything" I said.
He smiled and kissed my head "I know that... The only reason I was upset is because I wouldn't be able to threaten him, even though I want to. I realised when you brought that up, unintentionally though, the fact that I wont be able to protect you...because I'm too afraid to talk to anyone"
"Oh Edward, Don't worry about that. I wont need protection" I comforted him. "But" I added after he looked at me "If it happened to be the fact that I did need protection, I am pretty sure you love me, right?"
He nodded "More than anything"
"Right, well, I'm pretty sure you love me enough to get over that fear, if I was in a lot of real danger. I trust you Edward, and the so called flaws you have, are a part of you, so I love them too. I don't like the fact that you've been treated badly, but I wouldn't have you any other way"
He smiled and kissed me. When he realised I had no energy to kiss back he smiled and laid down facing me, our nose's almost touching. "Goodnight Bella" He murmured.
"Goodnight, I love you" I whispered, falling asleep.
I watched as everyone I knew entered a building. Where were they going?
"Hey? Hey Alice, what's going on?" I asked Alice as she passed me, clutching onto Jasper as if she would fall to her perish if she let go.
"Alice?" I asked again, she didn't seem to be able to hear me. "What's going on?" I asked, louder.
She sniffed loudly and turned my way, I was shocked to see no make up on Alice's face, her eyes red, sore and puffy, her lips frowning and her cheeks wet with tears.
What was going on? Why couldn't she hear me?
I passed her to Emmett, who had Rose in his arms, she was crying as well, silently and less noticeably than Alice, but she was still upset. Emmett seemed to be fighting a internal battle, but I manage to see one tear fall.
I continued closer to the building and saw Charlie and Renee at the door, both pale and devastated. As if they just lost... me. Could this be? No...
I then saw Carlisle and Esme, Esme seemed to be crying while comforting Carlisle. I walked up to them and managed to hear what they were saying "I lost her, I didn't mean to but I lost... I haven't lost anyone in 5 years Esme, and when I finally do, its her. How could it be her"
Esme sighed "It wasn't your fault" She said desperately "It was no ones fault. No ones."
I passed them and found the one person I was looking for, hunting for, aching for. Edward. He sat on a bench behind the building, head in hands. I knelt in front of him. I saw tears drip from his hands. He was crying, badly. He began to shake and sob with hurt.
I did this to him, I hurt him this badly.
Alice came around now, and convinced Edward, with difficulty that he needed to come inside. He obliqued but only when Alice told him that 'Bella would have wanted you to be there'.
I followed them into the building.
I was right. It was my funeral.
The funeral director stood at the podium and once everyone was seated, began. I sat on the floor in front of Edward, hoping to some how, comfort him in spirit.
"Welcome, we are gathered here today, to comfort one another, pray with one another, forgive, thank, and finally, say our goodbyes about and to Isabella Swan. She was a daughter, a friend, a best friend, a girlfriend but most of her, she was herself, and that is special on its own." The lady took a deep breath. Who was she? Why is she speaking as if she knows me.
"Isabella-"
Edward cut her off "She prefers Bella" He said quietly, shaking his leg. I felt a swell of pride, he just spoke to someone! Someone he probably has never met.
"Oh, of course. Bella was a decent, kind, caring, selfless, smart, funny, lovable girl, who would have many more words that could describe her. But what we should remember is our memories of her. The times you spent with her that are special, keep them in your mind while you try to say goodbye to this wonderful being. I would like to call her mother who wants to describe Bella's life, so we can all have an idea of what she had been through, even though her life was short"
The lady sat down and my mother, who was crying, stood up and approached the podium, careful not to look at the coffin.
"My daughter, Isabella Swan, was a wonderful girl, but she had a awful life. She spent many days, months in hospital, getting treatment and trying to live a normal life. Bella, she had Acute Leukaemia, a form of Cancer and has had that for most of her life, being diagnosed when she was 6. So, her life was not all smooth sailing. When she was a little older, her father and I split up, and although that must have been hard for her, she never showed her hurt. She always kept her pain to herself, afraid that revealing it to anyone, as if she was worried to hurt her family and friends more"
My mother let a huge sob wrack her body. I felt the urge to go and hug her, comfort her, tell her I was sorry.
"My baby, my baby, before she died told me not to worry, not to be too sad but to celebrate the time we had together. So that's what I want to do. I have made this, short clip of a collection of photos to express better than words, her life" Renee left the podium and collapsed into her seat, Phill hugged her and Charlie rubbed her shoulder, it was odd to see.
The pictures were pretty much my whole life, from a baby, to a toddler learning to walk, to my first time in hospital, to my first loose tooth, to my first day of school, to a trip to the zoo. Then there was some summers at Charlie's and then some ballet recitals, me falling over, me laughing, me crying, me hugging mum, me sleeping, me falling some more. Then I was older, one of me leaving to live at Charlie's for a while, there was one of me and Charlie, there was one of my car and me, there was one of my room at Charlie's that I remember randomly taking, there was one of me laughing at the fish that I thought looked like a dog. There was one of me and my friends, me and Alice, me, Emmett and Jasper, me and Rose, me and Edward hugging, me and Edward kissing – I blushed at that one – and then some more. It finally rested on one that I actually believe to be the best photo ever taken. It was taken by Edward, I was sitting on his porch swing, I had a beanie on and I had my hands wrapped around a mug of hot chocolate. I was staring into the forest. You could see the calmness, the peacefulness in my eyes, the rosiness, which was really rare, in my cheeks and you could see the happiness from my smile. It was a normal photo, of a normal person. Not of someone dying."
I felt wet tears falling. And someone sob behind me. I turned to see Edward fighting with himself.
The speaker lady stepped back up after the photo vanished "Now, Bella's father would like to say a few words"
My dad? Wants to speak? Show his emotions? In front of everyone?
"Hello, I am Bella's Dad, or as she called me when she was little, the chief of fathers."
A few laughs filled the room.
"I am not good at speaking to a lot of people, and I'm not good at showing emotions. But if I had to make an exception, it would be for my baby girl. She is-no...was" He wiped his eyes "The most important thing, person, being in the world to me. And I fell, that now she is gone, that the reason I had to live, is gone. But do not panic, I'm not going to off myself, because she would probably tell me off. I know that she'd want us to be happy, just as Renee said, and I just wanted to tell you all...all of you, how special my baby was, how beautiful she was as a person, and how much she will always be missed." He all but sprinted to his seat and covered his face in his hands.
The lady came back up and told Carlisle that he could speak now.
"I was Bella's doctor, father of her best friends, but she was also like a daughter to me. She brought so much happiness to my children, and even helped them overcome some of their fears. She helped my son trust again and my daughter face her past. She helped us in more ways than one and for that I am thankful.
But, I can't help but feel it is my fault she is gone. I keep asking myself, could I have of done this, or done that. And every time I come up with a scenario, she ends up dead. So, it makes me think, what could I have done? And I just don't know!" He seemed lost, so very lost.
"Its not your fault, honey, come here" Esme said, pulling him next to her.
He paused in front of my coffin "I'm sorry Bella, I tried"
The lady came back up "In time of test, family is best. That is by Burmese Proverb, one of Bella's favourites quotes. And I'm sure all of you have some feeling that she is giving us a message, a message that even though this is a test on our family, our friendships and bonds, that we do not give up each other, that in the time of this trouble, the best thing to do, is to stick together. Before we come to an end, is there anyone else who would like to speak?"
Silence. Then suddenly, the person behind me, stood. That can't be possible. The only person behind me is Edward.
He didn't speak, but went to the podium. He stared at the space I was sitting, as if he could see me.
He waited.
"It's okay Edward, you don't have to speak" Carlisle comforted.
Edward shook his head and took a deep breath.
"Bella" He gasped. "Was my everything" He said slowly "She made me safe and comfortable. She allowed me to breathe normally. Before her, I was terrified, but after her, now, I am better... and every thought I have of her, I get better."
"I loved- no, I Love Bella Swan. And I always will" Then Edward fell to the floor, crying. Carlisle ran up to him, trying to soothe him. I ran over too, but I couldn't do anything. Because I was dead.
…
"Edward? No, Honey, please. I'm sorry" I mumbled, as the image slowly disappeared.
"Bella? Wake up" I heard Edward say, something smoothing down my hair.
Tears fell as I shook. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to"
"Bella. Wake up. Bella?!" Edward said, more urgently.
I couldn't wake up, I was dead!
Something shook me and I opened my eyes. I opened them into the worried eyes of Edward Cullen, "What's wrong?" He asked me.
chI let out a breathe I did not know I was holding "Bad dream" I said, burying my head into his chest "Very bad dream"
Long chappie, and a long dream for Bella, but I really wanted to express how much she worries about leaving her family unprepared and worse off because of her. :) I'll update again soon. Promise its gonna be as soon as you review, yes, I'm talking to you. Please review, it would really make my day.
P.S. HAPPY NEW YEAR! Today is New Years Eve and tonight I shall not *cough cough* get drunk ;). Love you all, thanks for reading.
