((Found the DVD, am now writing the rest of this episode's review. Yay!))

I have been a bad writer. A very bad writer. I have been hanging around procrastinating my head off when I could have written a-squillion new amusing reviews. And yes, I have had coursework eating my face off but that is hardly an excuse. And so... I am sorry.

And you may hit me with spoons.

*hangs head in shame*

Anyway, now that's over with...

To Kill the King (which would be a spoilery title if there hadn't been two more series since this episode...)

Oh, before I begin, I am going to mention that I am going to try my best to keep Series 3 (GAHITWASAWESOME) spoilers out of these reviews because I know I have readers who haven't seen it yet (seriously, slow much?) The real shame here is that the big reveal from episode 5 (I think it was episode 5) of series 3 would have made for some interesting jokes here which I now cannot use due to spoilers. I apologise and you may insert your own jokes at your own pleasure.

I-We open with Gwen's father running through the town... Wow, we haven't seen him since, like episode three

Talking of which, where was he when she was having a nice flirt with Lancelot, huh? Or when she stole his best sword to give to Merlin so he could make Excalibur? HUH? Anyway, he finds Gwen and attempts to scare her by peeking out over a washing line and going "Boo!"

GWEN That wasn't scary in the least, but I'll go "eek" anyway. How are you, Father-who-has-only-ever-appeared-when-it-is-necessary-to-the-plot?

GWEN'S FATHER Finding surprises for you and being a typical slightly-embarrassing-but-altogether-quirkily-endearing father. You know, giving you a button and then producing a whole dress from lord-knows-where because I think it'll be funny.

GWEN Wow, what a lovely dress. And a lovely button to go with it... HOW THE HECK DID YOU PAY FOR IT?

GWEN'S FATHER Woah, suspicious much. Don't worry, we're going up in the world now *iscryptic*

SUSPICOUS!GWEN *is suspicious*

GWEN'S FATHER It'll be fine. Trust me

You know: the five words most likely to get your daughter to not trust you? Well done there quirky dad.

GWEN'S DAD *wonders quirkily off* Hm, I'm a quirky father who only appears when I am relevant to the plot and just had a sweet, endearingly quirky conversation with my daughter. Do you think that's a bad omen? Nah, this isn't a Disney movie, I'll be fine *whistle*

Later that night, in his blacksmiths place, Gwen's Dad (erm... name?) is working hard melting something down when, to be honest, he should really be asleep. I mean, all this blacksmithing is hard work and he looks tired. However, he is soon interrupted by a strange and mysterious noise.

HOODED SCOTTISH BLOKE HIDING IN THE SHADOWS I'm evil, can you tell? Oh, and Scottish, don' t forget the Scottishness.

Oh, I am not going to forget your accent, oh no sirree... What? I like Scottish accents, okay?

GWEN'S DAD Yes, I can tell. The soundtrack is making your evilness quite clear. Anyway, have your molten lead and let me go to bed (tee hee, rhyme)

HOODED SCOTTISH BLOKE *lowers his hood and looks a little bit like a young Jeremy Irons... only Scottish* Hmm, shiny, shiny molten lead. A bit grey though, hang on a tick. *pulls a pretty orange stone thing out of his pocket*

GWEN'S DAD'S EXPRESSION I am in waaaaaay over my head, aren't I?

AUDIENCE Yup.

STONE *makes very loud noise of evil and teh magics*

MERLIN (who is in his bedroom in Camelot) Ow my ears!

SCOTTISH BLOKE *uses teh magics*

STONE *glows*

GWEN'S DAD Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap

MERLIN WOULD PEOPLE STOP USING LOUD AND EAR-PAINFUL MAGIC? THERE ARE ALL-POWERFUL WARLOCKS AND PRINCE'S MANSERVANTS/POSSIBLE SEX TOYS TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!

MOLTEN LEAD *turns to gold*

GWEN'S DAD ohcrapohcrapohcrap- Ooh! Gold! Shiny! *goes to cool it down*

SCOTTISH BLOKE Pure, priceless gold

Excuse me, mister Scottish bloke, but I know some economics experts who would like a word with you.

SCOTTISH BLOKE Oh, and it's yours too, if you keep your mouth shut

ARTHUR *bursts in followed by knights* Did someone ask for an ironically timed entrance?

In the ensuing chaos, the Scottish bloke gets away but drops the magical stone of doom (we know this because a shot of the bag it is kept in is accompanied by that bloody annoying noise it makes). Unfortunately, Gwen's Dad is caught and arrested for helping a sorcerer.

GWEN'S DAD I'm screwed, aren't I?

AUDIENCE Yup.

OPENING CREDITS (Something tells me this isn't going to be a happy episode)

II- MERLIN HAS GOT BED HAIR! EXCUSE ME WHILST I SQUEE AT THE ADORABLENESS FOR A WHILE.

*cough* Okay, I'm done.

Anyway, Merlin informs Gaius that something (like a darn irritating NOISE... or just a... feeling?) woke him up.

MERLIN There are teh powerful magics in Camelot

I love his bed hair. *minisquee*

The door opens and little red riding hood, erm, I mean Gwen, runs in.

GWEN They arrested my father for making weapons for a sorcerer and are charging him with treason!

MORGANA Treason?

GAH!

Alright, it turns out we are now in another scene and Morgana (who is wearing another polar bear) is talking to Uther, who is looking very shmexy in his jacket and leather gloves and seems more concerned with his wine than that a known enemy of Camelot was found consorting with the blacksmith.

ARTHUR Tauren

GAH!

ARTHUR He's the leader of a band of renegade sorcerers, sworn to bring down the King.

Thank you, Mister Exposition, but I forgive you for the way you are posing bent over that table all brooding in that red jacket, oh yes. Morgana, on the other hand, is not pleased about the arrest of Gwen's father.

UTHER We believe from the fact that he was found holding a lump of gold given to him by Tauren that he was forging weapons for him.

MORGANA Your excuses are rubbish.

UTHER Every man has his price.

I wonder what Arthur's is *eyebrowseyebrowseyebrows*

UTHER He was paid in gold. This sorcerer is obviously trying to ruin our stock exchange.

MORGANA This is madness!

...

...

...

I'm sorry I can't help it

UTHER THIS! IS! CAMELOT!

*hides in a corner in shame*

MORGANA Arthur, do something.

ARTHUR I am doing something

MORGANA What?

ARTHUR Brooding

MORGANA Screw you!

Meanwhile, Uther is busy demonstrating the fact that he has no clue what the words "fair trial" mean

MORGANA Screw you as well. You execute Gwen's father and I will never forgive you. Never! Now, my polar bear and I are out of here

...

UTHER What did I say?

III- In the prison, Gwen's Father (SERIOUSLY, NAME?) is pleading his case to Gwen

Gwen is, understandably, irritated that he didn't tell her what was going on

GWEN'S DAD Well, I haven't seen you since episode three... I'm screwed aren't I?

GWEN I don't want you to DIE!

I'm sorry, Gwen, law of Disney says it is bound to happen. Anyway, turns out she came down here with Gaius and Merlin, because they all want to know what in the name of Sherlock's swishy coat is going on. She explains that Tauren offered her dad money to perform his experiment using teh magics.

MERLIN Did this magic make a really irritating high-pitched noise?

They suddenly appear to have apparated into Gaius' room and Gwen is sleeping. Merlin and Gaius discuss the facts. Oh, and Gwen's Dad's name is Tom, apparently. Thanks for letting us know.

GAIUS Tauren gave Tom gold

MERLIN So his plan was to upset Camelot's stock exchange?

GAIUS Nope. Alchemy.

MERLIN Okay. For the benefit of viewers who have not read Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone- What is Alchemy?

Gaius explains the whole turn-metal-into-gold thing and that it is supposed to be impossible.

MERLIN Does it involve irritating noises?

GAIUS Possibly

Which, in this case, means "definitely".

IV- The next day, Morgana and her polar bear have gone investigating.

Shame she didn't bring Merlin and Arthur with her, we could have had a repeat of Episode 3's Trio of Awesome. She's looking for Gwen, because no one has told her she spent the night in Merlin's room.

Stop looking at me like that.

In the blacksmith's, Morgana comes across the bag with the Philosopher's Stone in it (shut up, its totally a Philosopher's Stone) and picks it up.

MORGANA Ooh, shiny

STONE *glows and makes THAT GODDAMN NOISE AGAIN*

MORGANA EARPAIN! But still shiny

MERLIN *who has been not-sleeping on the floor of his room because Gwen has stolen his bed* EARPAIN! *shifty eyes of freaked-out-ness*

MORGANA *squint-of-freaked-out-ness... which is not nearly as adorable as Merlin's shifty eyes*

She takes the stone back to her room and hides it in a little gold box with a pretty gold lid, then goes to Merlin, who is still looking adorably freaked out.

CONCERNED!MORGANA *is concerned for Gwen*

MORGANA/GWEN SHIPPERS Awwwww

MERLIN Morgana... This episode is about you, isn't it? Not Gwen, as the opening few minutes led us to believe

MORGANA Yeah. Oh damn, is Uther an idiot.

MERLIN Tom's screwed, isn't he?

MORGANA There's no hope, Merlin. None at all

I present that quote to anyone who said that Morgana was out of character in the third series.

MERLIN *sighs* Pessimist much?

V- Morgana's investigating now takes her to Arthur's room

She's ditched the polar bear, I notice. And put her hair into a braid. I am thinking that maybe this is later in the day then. Hm, Arthur's room is empty. Apparently this is the cue for Morgana to go stealing stuff. You know, I think everyone in Camelot may be a secret kleptomaniac or something *shrugs*

Does Arthur have keys to everywhere in Camelot? Why the heck does he keep them in an easily accessible drawer?

I think that might be a security issue.

Down in the dungeons, Gwen's-father-called-Tom is pacing and looking worried. Morgana turns up.

MORGANA I'm sorry Tom, you're screwed (translation: here, have this key I am subtlety passing to you)

TOM How's Gwen?

MORGANA She's a brave girl (translation: worried as heck)

TOM Uther's a bastard and I am so very screwed, aren't I?

MORGANA I cannot see the future

SCRIPTWRITER'S FINGER OF IRONY *repeatedly pokes audience in the side very hard*

MORGANA Seize the moment. Key. Good luck

She leaves. Tom stares at the key like he's never seen one before in his life.

TOM Why do I get the feeling that this isn't going to end well?

VI- Meanwhile, Arthur and Merlin are watching a load of soldiers marching some poor screwed people through the streets

One of them has his head lowered and his haircut makes him look freakishly like Merlin's clone or something. Anyway, Merlin is shocked and horrified. So is Arthur, but he is trying to be subtle about it.

MERLIN This isn't even fair

ARTHUR Don't question my father's actions, even though I totally am as well, mentally. I am just being silent and brooding about it

MERLIN *deathglare*

ARTHUR Now go and get on with whatever you are meant to be doing

*insert Merthur joke here*

ARTHUR I'll just stand here. And brood. That is how I roll this episode.

VII- It is a dark and stormy night. This does not bode well

Tom is not-sleeping in his cell, obviously waiting for the opportune moment to make his escape.

GUARD *whistle* I am patrolling *whistle* All prisoners had better be asleep *whistle*

TOM I'm sleeping. I'm totally sleeping

GUARD Meh *patrols off*

With the guard gone, Tom sneakily sneaks out of bed and twists his hand round to get the key into the lock and unlock the door

TOM Ow. This angle is killing my wrist. Ow.

LOCK *is bloody loud* Click

Tom sneaks sneakily out of his cell and makes for the exit with the slowest run ever.

GUARD *whistle* None of you prisoners had better have sneaked away while I was busy being incompetent *spots key in lock* Oh crap.

ANOTHER GUARD *patrolling* Oh, I'm sure it's nothing *is knocked out by Tom* Oh crap.

Tom nicks the guard's sword, just in time for the warning bell to start ringing

TOM Why did I get the feeling that this was going to end badly?

Upstairs, word has got to Uther pretty darned quickly and now he wants Tom killed on sight, despite Arthur's protests.

And, what do you know, the guards chose this moment to stop being incompetent and show why Uther hired them, easily cornering Tom. His slow running doesn't help matters either.

GUARD He's got a sword!

ANOTHER GUARD You idiot! We've all got swords!

TOM I'mscrewedI'mscrewedI'mscrewedI'mscrewed (etc.)

Yeah. Sorry about that, expendable-quirky-father-of-one-of-the-main-characters.

TOM DAMN YOU STANDARD DISNEY STORY FORMULA!

GUARDS *kill Tom*

GWEN (V/O) NOOOOOOOOO!

Well, that was rather dark and violent for Saturday evening primetime. But hey, people's faces have horribly mutated into gas masks around this point on Saturday evenings. Steven Moffat is truly the king of nightmares... And the only man alive who can make the phrase "fish fingers and custard" seem foreboding. But that's another story entirely.

VIII – Morning. Shots of Camelot with Gwen's fading scream in the background.

It is all very poignant.

DIRECTOR I AM TRULY AN AWESOME!

Yes, Mr. Director. Yes, you are.

Morgana watches from her window of watching whilst Gwen runs down into the courtyard just in time to see her father's body being carted away. It is kind of difficult to make this funny. Instead, I shall concentrate on the ominous music playing in the background to show that Morgana is angry. She shows this by storming determinedly off to see Uther and be all accusing, whilst her dress trails a spectacularly long way along the floor behind her.

MORGANA You have blood on your hands, Uther Pendragon, blood that will never wash off (for this episode anyway, after which we shall ignore the issue until it is randomly becomes relevant again in series 3)

UTHER Morgana! How dare you interrupt my reading session on my indoor park bench!

Seriously, what is that thing he is sitting on? It looks like it belongs in the garden.

Morgana and Uther argue about his being unjust and having no idea what the words "fair trial" mean and Uther is all "I am king, grr. I must protect the kingdom from enemies, grr."

MORGANA Then the kingdom is doomed. Oh yes. I went there.

UTHER Well, that put me off my goblet of implied wine. Now stop being all treason-ish *drinks from goblet of implied wine*

His voice is incredibly calm for what he is saying. Morgana's, on the other hand, is all angry and shaky and stuffs.

MORGANA Only a madman hears the truth as treason. Oh yes, I went there. Again.

UTHER Do that again and I'll have you locked up

MORGANA You just try

IX – The dungeons.

FINGER OF IRONY *continues to poke audience repeatedly in the side very hard*

AUDIENCE Ow *rub sore side*

For some reason they have put Morgana in a whole new dungeon which is huge in comparison to all the other ones. Meh, I guess she is the King's ward. However, she also gets chained by the wrists to the wall as well. Sheesh, Uther takes grounding to a whole new level. Morgana's yelling insults at him does nothing to help, though methinks telling someone they are mad with power whilst pulling the expression she is making is not going to do anything for your cause (seriously, crazy smile/snarl much). Uther just leaves.

MORGANA Dammit, now I'm screwed.

Up in Merlin's room...

MERLIN Hey. I still exist, you know. I mean, this show is named after me...

GWEN Hm.

MERLIN So, yeah, can I have my bed back yet? ... Or not. You okay?

GWEN *nods* Just traumatised for life *shakes head*

MERLIN Don't worry, you'll be fine once this episode is over.

AWKWARD SILENCE *is awkward*

ARTHUR Hey, can I come in? Gwen, if there is anything you need you just have to ask

AWKWARD SILENCE *continues to be awkward*

ARTHUR I'm sorry... Erm, I'll just... Go, then

AWKWARD SCENE Erm, yeah, I'll just finish... NEXT SCENE!

X – Night time, Gwen's off home

GWEN Hey, maybe I should just take this washing dow-

TAUREN (STILL HOODED, SCOTTISH AND MYSTERIOUS)*grabs her*

GWEN I knew that wasn't a good idea! *gag*

Tauren would quite like to know where his philosopher's stone has gone, thank ye muchly.

TAUREN Two days time. Woods. Dawn. Be there with the stone or else. Bye now. *creeps off*

GWEN MORE TRAUMATISED!

Ooh, methinks Gaius has found some exposition! He explains to Merlin that he knows what the stone is and what it does. Oh, and it is called something other than a Philosopher's Stone but I didn't quite hear it and I can't be bothered to go and look it up. Its a freaking Philosopher's Stone, okay.

MERLIN And it makes noises of earpain?

GAIUS Yup

MERLIN Gwen said that Tauren needed some kind of stone

Yes an- HANG ON, WHAT? HOW DOES MERLIN KNOW THIS? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

Anyway, we may never know because now we are back to Morgana in the dungeon. Arthur has come to set her free, isn't that nice? Morgana isn't too pleased to see him and starts being all sarcastic. I am left wondering why there is a flight of stairs up to the window that starts halfway up the wall. Odd design feature.

MORGANA Has the King's little helper brought a message or have you just come to gloat?

ARTHUR Please stop looking at me like that from under your eyebrows whilst smiling, it is kind of scary

MORGANA I'm practising. You never know when it might come in handy

ARTHUR O...kaay. You're free to go. Erm, and I kind of told Uther that you'd learnt your lesson and would never question his authority again so, be careful, yeah?

MORGANA Thank you. You're a better man than your father. Always were.

And a thousand Arthur/Morgana fics sprang into being.

ARTHUR *broods broodingly*

Up in Morgana's room, Gwen and Morgana are equally surprised to see each other.

GWEN Where have you been?

MORGANA Nowhere. Shouldn't I be asking you that, you're the one that's gone through all the trauma

GWEN Kind of trying to block it from my memory *notices marks from manacles on Morgana's wrists*

MORGANA I spent the night in the dungeon

Am I the only one getting weird Gwen/Morgana worried-partner/parent vibes from this scene? Especially from the slightly petulant tone Morgana has when she admits that she spent last night in the dungeon... Yeah, just me.

GWEN Uther's a bastard

MORGANA Yes he is.

GWEN Was it about my father?

MORGANA You have enough to worry about

GWEN So, that's a yes, then. You shouldn't have done that. If anything happened to you, I couldn't bear it

This episode is very Morgana-shippy, isn't it? Especially as Morgana suddenly gets all concerned and touchy-feely until Gwen admits that she can't go home in case of being attacked by a creepy Scottish bloke in a hood looking for a stone.

MORGANA Stone? (translation: Oh crap)

Gwen explains what happened to Morgana. I don't know why she's finding it so difficult seeing as she apparently had no trouble telling Merlin about it off screen. Seriously, have I missed something here? Morgana tells Gwen that she's going to send the knights of Camelot out to meet Tauren. Methinks she is lying.

XI – Morgana: investigator/King-hater extraordinaire, is staring at the stone whilst it makes noises of earpain

MERLIN OWWWW! I am gonna get any friggin' SLEEP this episode? This is worse than that bloody dragon and Mordred's mental-yelling put together!

He apparently get dressed really quickly because by the time he is watching Morgana flappy-cloak her way out of Camelot he is out of his nightshirt and wearing his blue top and jacket.

MERLIN Stalking time! *stalks Morgana*

MORGANA *is oblivious to Merlin's stalking, despite his amazing un-subtlety*

MERLIN Hurrah for plot-invisibility!

Morgana arrives in the woods, which are empty except for her and a stalky-Merlin. When suddenly:

SOUNDTRACK *is ominously dramatic*

MORGANA Gah, there must be evil people here!

Sure enough, by the magic of camera movement Tauren suddenly arrives with his posse of bandits. He is obviously the leader, due to his awesome curved sword/scimitar/medieval-British katana.

TAUREN Meh, kill her

MORGANA No! I have the stone

TAUREN Oh yeah, and load of knights of Camelot too. Thanks for the stone by the way, but seeing as you are Uther's ward, Lady Morgan-a, you will die now *points awesome medieval katana at her heart* (and I love the way he pronounces "Lady Morgan-a")

MORGANA No! I am angry and I want Uther to DIE too!

MERLIN el gaspeth!

Tauren still isn't convinced so Morgana shows off her manacle scars.

TAUREN Meh, that does it for me.

MORGANA Stone? What? Why?

TAUREN Philosopher's Stone. Gold. Harry Potter.

MORGANA Gold? You mean you want to destroy Camelot's stock exchange?

TAUREN Hell yeah! ;D Oh, and I'm sorry about Gwen's father. Totally not my fault. Uther is a bastard. I was going to use the gold I made with the Philosopher's Stone to buy my way into the King's chambers so I can kill him.

Yeah, the last person on TV with the power to turn things into gold only ever used it, like, once (Heroes joke that no one will understand).

MORGANA I've got a better plan. You use someone close to Uther, like me

MERLIN ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap (etc.)

XII – Back at Gaius and Merlin's room in Camelot

MERLIN *inwardly* ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap (continued)

GAIUS Are you alright?

MERLIN Yeah

GAIUS Well, that is an obvious lie

GAH! MERLIN! JUST TELL HIM WHAT THE PROBLEM IS!

MERLIN I'll be off then *gets up to leave*

GAIUS Merlin, that's a broom cupboard

Ah, hurrah for the small points of awkward humour in the deep episodes.

Merlin heads down to visit his "friend" (hurrah for inverted commas), the Great Dragon and tell him his problems. Said dragon is asleep and snoring, until Merlin coughs at him loud enough to wake him up.

GSD Hello there, young warlock. Did you know I've been narrating advertisements for Sky TV involving King Arthur at the moment? It is the cause of much amusement for many Merlin fans in the UK. Anyway, what have you come to bother me about this time? I hope you'll actually pay attention this time, unlike with that Excalibur business.

MERLIN Tauren and Morgana are going to kill Uther

GSD Meh. Let him die. After all, he's the one who is going around murdering all the sorcerers

MERLIN Wow. I never thought it would be the student pulling "If I kill him I will become just like him on the mentor"

GSD If Uther dies then Arthur's reign can begin and magic can return to Camelot. It is your destiny!

MERLIN WHERE DOES IT SAY IN MY DESTINY THAT I HAVE TO COMMIT MURDER?

GSD Hey, Morgana and Tauren are the ones killing him, not you. FREE THIS LAND FROM TYRANNY! FULFIL YOUR DESTINY! *flies off to have a mug of destiny coffee*

MERLIN SCREW MY DESTINY! ... Actually that isn't a bad idea. Hm, maybe when this mess is sorted out, Arthur's no fun when he's brooding. Even if it is kind of hot...

SOUNDTRACK *is ominous*

XIII – Uther's having his dinner, when Morgana interrupts

UTHER Well, this is oddly déjà-vu-ish.

You're telling me. This is Mordred all over again. Morgana tells Uther that she is here to apologise for angering him

MORGANA I thought only of Gwen

GWEN/MORGANA SHIPPERS *smallhappysquee*

MORGANA I mean, I know what it is like to loose a father

*innocent whistle*

UTHER I had no part in his death

Wow, he's quick to jump to the conclusion that she's being accusing...

*more innocent whistling*

MORGANA You sent him into battle. You sent him to his death and it keeps on happening

Morgana, I'd make your anger a little more subtle. You are supposed to have seen the error of your ways, play your part convincingly for crying out loud. Next thing we know she'll be smirking evilly every time anyone turns their back *sighs*

MORGANA I'm sorry, my lord *turns around and walks off, smirking evilly*

What did I tell you?

UTHER What did I say?

Seriously, he looks so confusified, it's adorable.

X IV- Merlin is feeling conflicted. I think Arthur's brooding may suddenly have become contagious.

MERLIN Do you think that Uther is good for the kingdom?

GAIUS Yes. Yes I do

MERLIN Brilliant. Both my mentors have different opinions, that is really freaking helpful. Everyone hates him

GAIUS Erm, well... Uther might be a bit of a dim idiot sometimes but he has brought peace and prosperity to this kingdom.

MERLIN Yeah. But he keeps killing people, when is that going to stop?

GAIUS When Arthur is king

MERLIN YOU REALLY AREN'T HELPING! What about making Arthur the king now?

GAIUS Arthur isn't ready; he isn't experienced enough (ignores implications of Merlin's last sentence)

MERLIN I'M SO BLOODY CONFLICTED!

SYLAR FROM HEROES Hey! I thought that was my catchphrase

MITCHELL FROM BEING HUMAN You think you've got problems...

MERLIN Can you lot just bugger off and let me work this out for myself?

GAIUS I do trust you, Merlin. Whatever it is, I know you'll make the right decision

Merlin and the soundtrack aren't so sure.

Hm, Uther has found a window of watchfulness and is watching Morgana and Gwen and their flappy cloaks down in the courtyard, thinking. He soon finds Morgana (not in the courtyard) with a suggestion.

UTHER I really hate it when we fight

MORGANA Same here

UTHER So... I'm really sorry about what happened to Gwen's father and it making you remember your father's death and this is getting awkward so I'll stop

MORGANA No, no, it's fine. How about we go to visit my father's grave, I'm sure that will make everything better

UTHER Erm... weird request but okay. I'll make arrangements.

MORGANA AND SOUNDTRACK *ominous*

So, Morgana goes to meet Tauren that night near the entrance to Camelot. Merlin is still stalkering her.

TAUREN How's it going?

MORGANA Awesome. Uther's fallen for the bait. My father's grave, tomorrow morning. Date y/y?

TAUREN Are you sure you are committed to this?

MORGANA More than ever I want Uther dead.

TAUREN Then the deed is as good as done *Morgana leaves* Why do I get the feeling that this is going to come back to haunt me?

XV- Merlin watches from the window of watching as Uther, Morgana and a load of knights ride away for their picnic at her father's grave

GWEN What's up?

MERLIN okay?

GWEN Just about over the trauma. It's better than moping. Besides, Uther had already made up his mind to kill him

MERLIN I wouldn't blame you if you wanted him dead. What if you had the choice to kill him, would you?

GWEN No. That would make me as bad as him

MERLIN You know, you're right! Thanks for that motivation, I'm gonna go be an awesome now *runs off*

GWEN ... Teh scarf?

Merlin runs to his room and grabs the Sidhe staff from Episode Arthur-kissed-a-girl-and-liked-it.

MERLIN I knew that this would come in useful soon enough! Now to run through the castle with a magical object in full view and go save the king!

Meanwhile, the picnic group are being watched by Tauren's evil bandits. I wonder if they are Scottish too? Morgana's cloak is far longer than I am sure is necessary and very flappy and the wind is making it even more so. They get to a field and dismount.

MORGANA Hey, do you think all these knights could stay here whilst we go to my father's grave? You know. Alone. Hinthint nudgenudge winkwink saynomore

UTHER Yeah, sure thing. I'm sure we are in no danger. *leads Morgana up the grassy hill*

Meanwhile: Merlin is running! He reaches the horses but it seems that all the knights have once again become incompetent. And have been killed by bandits. Well done them, clearly they are the elite of Camelot's defenders. But Merlin has spotted the bandits and quickly gets them out of the way with the Sidhe staff.

At the grave, Morgana kneels down and Uther joins her, after sticking his sword in the ground for no adequately explained reason other than to make sure it isn't anywhere handy when he needs it.

UTHER Do you mind if I reminisce about your father deeply for a bit

MORGANA Erm...

And so Uther starts going on and on about how Morgana's father was the greatest man he's ever known and he stood for truth and valour and stuff and he was always saving Uther's life. Then he buries his face in the stones of the grave for a moment without explanation before carrying on waxing lyrical. All the while, it seems that Morgana is starting to question her motives, starting to be all sad that her father died when she was ten.

UTHER I'm really sorry that he died. I mean, I know that since you came to Camelot you have been stubborn and determined and bad tempered and fought me and challenged me as an equal.

Must have got it from her father.

MORGANA What about that whole dungeon thing?

UTHER Yeah, sorry about that as well. I'm really just a bit of a bastard.

MORGANA Gwen's father?

UTHER Yes. I was wrong to have had him killed

MORGANA ... Oh

But Morgana's motive-questioning can wait. Methinks that Tauren has spotted Merlin! This can't be good. He takes out his Philosopher's Stone.

MERLIN Drat! Tauren! *fires teh magics from the Sidhe staff at Tauren*

TAUREN *blocks teh magics using the stone and fires them back at Merlin*

MERLIN That didn't happen in Harry Potter! *is hit and falls unconscious*

LINGERING SLO-MO SHOT OF UNCONCIOUS MERLIN *tries to make you think he's dead*

AUDIENCE *isn't fooled for a second*

UTHER *still waxing lyrical at Morgana* You are the daughter I never had, your council is invaluable as is your friendship and your love...

CAMERA *creeping towards Uther and Morgana*

MORGANA ohcrapphcrapohcrap

UTHER Without you I cannot be the King this land deserves, please forgive me, Morgana

TAUREN *right behind Uther with his awesome medieval katana* Oh, you had better not have had a change of heart now...

MORGANA NO!

UTHER Teh heck?

He turns round just in time to block Tauren's blow and start a dramatic fight scene on the hill

UTHER Why did I put my sword in the ground a really unhelpful distance away?

MERLIN *stirring from unconsciousness* What teh scarf is going on? *spots fight* Damn, there is no way I am going to make it in time.

It seems that Tauren has overpowered Uther, pinning him to the ground and pulling out a knife

TAUREN Die, Uther Pendragon!

KNIFE *stab*

TAUREN Oh bugger *dies*

And cue awesome dramatic shot of Tauren falling off screen to reveal Morgana just dropping the knife she used to kill him (which will be used in many fanvids to come... The shot, not the knife)

MERLIN Hey, I guess I didn't have to save the day after all. Well, that's awesome. Yeah, I'll just sneak away now *does so*

Further up the hill:

MORGANA I think I may be traumatised

UTHER Me too

Cue another awesome dramatic and slo-mo-ish shot of Uther and Morgana walking up to each other and hugging and the wind making their cloaks all twine together and the soundtrack is dramatic.

And, thus, much Uther/Morgana hate/comfort-fic sprang into being.

*innocent whistle*

XVI- Gaius seems oddly happy

GAIUS Ah, is he dead? I am now going to go on about the entire event without explicitly mentioning that you were there

MERLIN You do that

GAIUS So, how is everybody?

MERLIN Erm, slightly traumatised and conflicted but I'm sure it'll all even out by the next episode and we'll never hear of it again *runs off to his room to put away the... hang on, where is the Sidhe staff gone anyway?* Thanks Gaius

GAIUS *amused face*

MERLIN Why do I get the feeling that this is going to come back to haunt us all in a couple of series?

;)


NEXT TIME

It's the series finale, so we'll have a very ambiguous Next Time trailer, thank you. All we know is that Arthur may be dead, Nimueh is back and the shiz is going to hit the fan.

And I'll try to get it done within the next week.

Bye for now! :)