Amor Fati

Notes: Get in loser, we're going shipping.

Next chapter won't have quite so much angst, I promise! But in the meantime, leave any thoughts or constructive criticisms in the reviews box.


Chapter 12: Will You Be My 'It's Complicated'?

She knew on some level that she was dreaming. But it felt real enough, and her heart ached enough for this release, that she chose to ignore the looming reality principle.

Ranma and Akane's bodies intertwined amidst the tangles of luxurious silk sheets. The two women kissed with inviting lips, softer than silk. Akane raked her nails across the redhead's back. Ranma shivered with pleasure, pulling her lips away to moan softly.

Akane grinned saucily. "Am I uncute now?"

Ranma purred as she nibbled at Akane's ear, drawing quiet gasps of pleasure. "Impossible."

Akane pulled hard on the redhead's braid. Ranma cried out, agony and ecstasy blending together. With powerful grace, the tomboy rolled over, pinning Ranma to the cloudlike bed. She smothered the girl's cries with a deep kiss as she slid her thigh between Ranma's legs. Soon, Ranma's hips began to buck, grinding her sex across the taught muscles of the tomboy's thigh.

Ranma's breath began to quicken. She thrust her own thigh up to reciprocate. Their bodies, now slick with a thin sheen of sweat, entangled in bliss. Their kisses became more frantic, the cries of pleasure irrepressible. The climax came, and the rest of the universe faded away. In that short eternity, it was just Ranma and Akane. Everything else disappeared, and their hearts beat as one.

Slowly, thought began to return as the ecstasy began to fade. Akane cradled the redhead in the crook of her neck. The girl closed her eyes as she absentmindedly stroked the tomboy's nipple. For a moment, she seemed asleep. Akane closed her eyes too, hypnotized by the soft sound of her lover's breathing.

Ranma stirred. "This is a dream."

Akane's eyes fluttered open. She found the redhead gazing longingly into her eyes.

"I don't want it to end, Akane."

"Neither do I."

Akane's eyes fluttered open. Her room was dark still. She groaned as she began to stir, still unrested. But the dream was over, and its absence left her feeling empty inside.

Her bed was a mess. The comforter had been thrown aside, and the pillows strewn out along the floor. She was twisted up in the sheets like a little pastry. Slowly, she extricated herself from the knots of fabric, shivering as skin met the cool morning air. She had worn shorts and a singlet to bed last night, but had still managed to sweat enough to make her skin crawl.

Time for a bath, Akane decided. She gathered up a fresh change of clothes, and started downstairs towards the furo. She almost turned back when she heard the sound of someone splashing around. Whoever it was had not decided to turn on the lights.

Akane stood shivering in the outer bath, wondering whether to proceed. She had a sneaking suspicion that Ran-chan was in the next room, and she wondered what had caused her former fiancé to have a sleepless night. She put her ear up to the door to listen more closely. She heard Ran-chan faintly singing a song she could not recognize.

Akane knocked quietly on the inner door. "Who is it?" Ran-chan said with surprise.

After that scintillatingly real dream, Akane was not sure she could face her former fiancé naked and alone. For the first time since the splitting, in that whirlwind of romance she'd been swept up in with the male Ranma, Akane wondered if she had made a mistake. She felt shallow, cheap even, in choosing him. A little voice inside her chastised her, wondering what was in the way of loving the girl as well. They called her a lesbian or a manhater when they thought she wasn't listening already. Would it really change anything that much?

But there was a sadness buried in Ran-chan's voice that commanded her to put aside her baggage for the moment. Because her friend needed her. "It's just me, Ran-chan," she whispered. She discarded her night clothes into the laundry hamper, and entered the bath.

Moonlight flooded the inner bath. In the pale light, she could see Ran-chan faintly blush as she entered. She felt little butterflies dance inside her.

The redhead was sprawled out in the bath, her arms lazily draped over the side of the tub. Her wet hair had lost all of its volume. It clung tightly to Ran-chan's head and shoulders as she rested her cheek on the rim of the tub. But her eyes followed Akane closely as the tomboy washed.

Akane's heart pounded in her chest. Unconsciously, her hands clung to her body. She could feel each drumming beat hammering at her fingertips. She had never felt this self-conscious before. She tried to focus on the simple act of washing her hair, but this quickly proved futile. Each time she paused, Akane's thoughts were drawn to Ranma. The feel of his…her lips on her own, the embrace of their bodies. She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks. When did I get this shameless? she asked herself.

There was no answer. As calmly as she could, Akane joined the redhead in the bath. As she climbed, their bodies brushed together. Even in the dim light, she could see Ran-chan tense up, muscles taught as fingers clawed into the tile.

It had been several weeks since Ran-chan's abortive declaration of love. It had been a blur, and at times she'd forgotten that it had even happened.

"Akane," whispered Ran-chan, "couldn't sleep?"

"What's it look like, dummy?"

Ran-chan half-smiled. "Bad dream.?"

"There was a dream. It was very vivid, too real even. But I wouldn't call it a bad dream."

"Ah. That's good I s'pose."

"How about you? I know you were out late…well, how'd it go?"

"Ugh."

"That bad?"

"It's complicated."

"Well tell me about it."

"I thought you said you didn't want to hear nothing about girls being with other girls?"

"Well yeah. But if it's bothering you, you should talk about it. What else are friends for?"

Ran-chan idly splashed water about. Her eyes flitted back and forth as her face twisted with trepidation. "Promise you won't judge. And you won't interrupt me or nothing 'til I finish."

"I promise."

"I'm serious Akane."

"So am I."

"You know how Ryoga has this habit of turning up where you least expect him. Well, he ended up showing up…he sort of walked in on me and Ibuki making out in the train."

"Well that's bold."

"Hey, you promised."

"I'm sorry. Please, continue."

"Well, things have been kind of awkward between him and me lately. But Ibuki liked him, and since neither of us were looking for anything serious, she decided to have him tag along too. Ya see, she likes both boys and girls—I ended up kissing Ryoga."

Akane forgot her promise to not interrupt again as she frothed with shock and confusion. "Ranma, how could you tease him like that?"

"I didn't do it to tease him, honest. I…well you see, I think I like guys too. I kissed him, and it just felt so right. I kind of made a pass at him. But he rejected me and pushed me away." Ran-chan sat up in the bath. She looked deep into Akane's eyes, her own filled with hurt and regret. "He gave me some crap about not being able to see me as a woman. I felt humiliated. But all I could think about on the long walk home was you."

Akane squirmed like a worm on a hook. "Ranma," she whispered.

"Akane," said the redhead, her eyes downcast, "you broke my heart. You treat me like there's never been anything between us, that I've always just been your best girlfriend. Some days I'm okay with that. But then I close my eyes, and I can still feel your breath on my lips and your body close to mine. But when I open them again, you're with the other Ranma, not me. And then sometimes I feel so bitter that I wish we'd never met. But then I can't even imagine life without you. Because you are my best friend. After tonight, maybe even my only friend."

Akane's eyes began to water. "I wish I knew what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. I just…well I guess I need you to know that I ain't over you. I probably never will be. I hope you can be okay with that."

Akane thought for a moment, her feet splashing nervously. She sat up, and tapped Ranma on the shoulder."

"Whazzat," the redhead whined. As the redhead sat up slowly, her face became illuminated by the moonrays for a moment. There were bags forming under her eyes, her flawless skin was marred by runny makeup.

She hasn't gone to bed at all yet, Akane concluded. "I need to look you in the eye when I say this or it won't mean anything."

"Um…okay," Ran-chan said. Her face was flush, and she tried very hard to keep her gaze from being drawn to Akane's breasts.

"Ranma, why wouldn't I be okay with that? I know that underneath your girlish exterior, you're still the man I love. I…I need to apologize to you. I have wronged you and I hope you can forgive me."

"Wha? No, please don't apologize for that. I mean, hell, as awful as it hurt me, he's still the man you love. Now that the curse is gone, there shouldn't be anything in the way of you too. Except for me, it seems."

"Ranma, you're not in the way. And I wish I had told you sooner, that I hadn't been so stubborn. But your changing…it wasn't a curse. Not to me. It wasn't what was getting in the way of us, I was. I was too stubborn, too jealous, too paranoid. If I had, maybe you wouldn't have gone."

Ran-chan's eyes were downcast again. Boy, did that girl not know how to gracefully take an apology. But Akane wasn't through yet…there was still more to say. "Listen, the other you, he puts up a brave front. But he's been wounded by this splitting too. We haven't talked about it, I think he's too proud to, but sometimes I'll catch him looking at a piece of feminine clothing, or a girl's sport, and he'll let out this longing sigh. You both lost something."

That must have truly surprised her, because Ran-chan's mouth hung open, completely dumbstruck. But then the waterworks started, and Akane couldn't help but cry too. It started as low, quiet sobs, stifled as well as the redhead knew how. The sobs stopped, but then the silent tears came out, followed by a shuddering wave that rippled through her body. Ran-chan held a hand over her mouth, and the sobs came out like little coughs.

Akane threw aside modesty, and hugged the poor girl close to her. She accepted the gesture, wrapping her arms around the tomboy as she buried her face into Akane's shoulder.

"What have I done?" Ran-chan repeated over and over.

Akane did her best to sooth the redhead's cries. It felt like an empty gesture.

"Damnit, I'm so stupid," Ran-chan cried, "I tried to tell myself I was suffering so you and some version of me could be happy. Stupid right? But I guess it made this seem honorable in spite of all the pain. He could be whole again, and you'd both be happy. What a joke! Now it turns out we're both half the man we used to be."

"It's not dumb, Ranma. You've always tried to be honorable and compassionate. At times, you can even be noble, even if it ends up coming back to bite you."

"Why did I ever go along with Pop's scheme anyway. It's not like any of the other cures ended up working." Akane held her close even as the crying stopped. A little voice continued to shout at her that she was being perverted, that girls weren't supposed to be like this. Sometimes, that voice, ever drilled in the toxic mélange of Japanese society told her that this poor girl that she loved was defective for being attracted to other girls, for being masculine, and that if she wasn't careful, the rot would spread to her as well. That voice could go to hell, she decided. "Ranma, listen, I can't promise you anything. I've made such an awful mess already. But I'm going to try to treat you both the same. I need you to be patient with me, because it's not going to be easy. But I want to be able to l-love you both the same."

Ran-chan pulled away. The redhead looked at her with suspicion. She wondered too if she had been promising too much, even with what little hope she was giving. "I think I can live with that," said the redhead.


The next morning, while Ran-chan and Akane slept fitfully in their rooms at the Tendo dojo, the male Ranma was contemplating skipping school as well. He sat in the entry way of his mother's home lacing up his shoes, contemplating what to do next.

Ukyo had not been at school the previous few days. She'd been avoiding him since he'd returned from the Spanish expedition, so it took him a while to realize. He'd hoped that, in time, they could pick back up being friends. Her absence had started to hurt, and when he'd heard from Akane what his Ucchan had told his girl half, he felt ashamed. He loved Akane, there was never any doubt about that. But that didn't mean he wanted to hurt any of the other girls. Especially his oldest friend.

When he'd buzzed by Ucchan's over the weekend, and saw the restaurant boarded up, worry began to gnaw at him. He'd tried to push it down, to tell himself that Ucchan just need some space, that she was a mature young woman who could deal with this on her own, that getting involved would only make it worse. Excuses, he said to himself, You're just a coward who doesn't want to see her heartbroken face.

His mind wandered to a very dark place. A noose and dangling feet. Or congealed black blood on the floor.

He shook his head furiously, cursing himself for being conceited. Like he could have that effect on someone, that spurning them would drive them to such despair. Still, he had to find out for himself. He'd pay for it tomorrow, but he was going to find Ucchan and find some way of making this right.

After waving goodbye to his mother, he dashed out of the house. He ran all the way to Ucchan's restaurant, his eyes constantly searching for danger. It would just be typical, for Mousse ambush him for hurting Shampoo, for Cologne to chastise him for rejecting the Amazon ways, or for that maniac Kuno to come to punish him for his foul sorcery. He wasn't in the mood for any of it this morning. But thankfully no challenge came, and he arrived at Ucchan's without incident.

It was still closed up. A hastily scrawled sign hung on the front declaring the restaurant was closed for remodeling. He didn't know what he was going to find inside, or whether Ukyo would even be there. But he had to start somewhere. If she had left, he would find some clues here.

To his surprise, the door was unlocked. He let himself in without announcement. With the blinds closed and lights off, he stepped into darkness. It smelled much like it always had, the thick musk of cooking oil and okonomiyaki sauce hung heavy in the air. Slowly his eyes adjusted, and he realized he wasn't alone inside.

Ukyo was sitting on one of the bar stools, hugging her knees tightly to her chest. She was wearing the Furinkan High gakuran, staring into space. For a moment, he wondered if it was a statue. But slowly her head turned to him. "Ranma?" she croaked.

"Yeah, it's me. You haven't been to school lately. We…I was worried."

"Why should you care?" she hissed, "You threw me away for that tomboy."

"Look who's talking, Ucchan," he said, in a voice somewhere between frustration and joking. "Besides, I ain't been throwing anyone away. You're my best friend. I'm sorry I didn't show up sooner, but I though you wanted your space. But…listen here's the straight talk, I ain't gonna sugar coat it for ya. You ain't doing yourself any favors by sitting here, sulking because things didn't work out quite like you planned."

"I know that Ran-chan, really I do," Ukyo sighed, "That's why I even bothered to get cleaned up and dressed this morning. But then I thought about having to face you or Akane again and I just froze. I couldn't do it."

"Well, you seem to be facing me fine enough."

"Is it bad that I was glad that I worried you so? Honestly, you looked deathly afraid when you came in here."

"No, I don't think so. Still, I wish you wouldn't scare me like this."

"It kills me to say this, but you're going to make Akane very happy if you keep up this more considerate attitude of yours." The bitterness hung on Ukyo's words. He cursed his father yet again for leaving him with this mess.

"I've had a lot to think about lately. In my rush to put Jusenkyo behind me, I hurt someone very near to me."

Ukyo perked up. A little part of her, he could tell, was hoping that the someone very near was referring to her. He was going to have to disappoint her. "There's another me running around. She has all of the same thoughts and memories as me. She's just a girl, not a boy. I know that's not the fairy tale image of romance you want, and I ain't asking you to be her consolation prize. All I'm saying is, she's probably more scared, hurt and lonely than you. She needs you, and you need her, because she's your friend too. And honestly, I need you too. Akane needs you; in spite of all of the bullshit our fathers have put us through, you've become friends with Akane as well."

Ukyo's face screwed up with fury. She started to object, but the words died in her throat. The downcast look in her eyes told him that she knew it was true, and she couldn't live in denial anymore.

"I never wanted to hurt you, honestly. I never wanted to hurt any of you. But I finally said the truth that my heart had known for a long time. I put off doing that for so long because I didn't want to hurt any of my friends, you least of all. But what's done is done. I'm not asking you to forgive me yet, but I would really like to have my friend back. And in the meantime, the other Ranma needs a friend too. She hasn't wronged you like I have."

The silence stretched out seemingly to the boundless shores of eternity. Time had never slowed to a crawl quite like this for him. But Ukyo finally said, "I won't promise that I'll forgive you. But I will give your other half a visit. I…owe her that much. I do want to be friends still. But it's going to take me some time."