Chapter 12: Escape from Room 302

Henry, Richard, Amarant, and Eileen came to the bottom of the staircase at last, to find themselves in front of Room 302's door. Richard coughed. 'Last time I opened the door to my room where it wasn't supposed to be . . .'

'There's a note on the ground,' Eileen giggled as she picked it up. 'I can't read it!'

'. . . do you have any fucking education?' Henry demanded.

'I is home schooled!'

'I need some weed,' Henry pouted as he took the memo from Eileen.

James left . . . I feel so angry at that son of a bitch. I went to Room 302 to demolish it, and found this man in a coat there. We got high and had a couple of beers, then he told me to skeet. So I left, and afterwards, I could hear some weird noises, like a buzzsaw, a rock drill, and a bulldozer. There were signs of someone working in there, but nothing truly unusual. Aside from a gaping hole in the laundry room, bathroom, and hallway, there was nothing too strange.

Then I saw that man dragging a bloody bag about the size of a human being . . . Richard Brainfart from 207 confronted him about it, and the man simply gave a mysterious reply: 'I killed him, and I'll kill you!' I'm not sure what's going on here, because the clues are too subtle for me to read, but if my son is behind it, I WILL KICK HIS ASS!

XOXOXOXOXO — with love, Frank Sunderli — Sanderlan — Sunderland.

'That's James's dad, alright,' Henry muttered. 'Okay, let's go in—'

'Let's knock first,' Richard said.

'I'm not knocking on my own damn front door.'

'Pussy,' Amarant said as he strode forward. He raised his hand and delivered a soft knock.

The door splintered in half and flew off its hinges, slamming into the wall on the other side of the room, knocking down all the stuff that was there and breaking a portion of the wall. Amarant just stood there, hand still in the fist, at the very position in which he had knocked.

'Damn, Freeza,' Richard said, 'I'd hate to see you at 100 power.'

'Shut up, Richard,' Amarant said as he ducked and entered the room. He stood and hit his head on the ceiling. 'For Garland's sake, I feel like Gandalf when he went to Bilbo's house.'

Flashback? —

Gandalf knocked lightly at the door, and the little hobbit Bilbo Baggins opened it with a smile upon his face.

'Gandalf!' he cried, ''Tis wonderful to see you!'

'Yeah, yeah,' Gandalf slurred, 'scotch, please.'

'Right!' Bilbo scurried back into his house, and Gandalf entered. Crouching as he entered, he stood upright and slammed his head against the ceiling, knocking him to his knees. Shaking his head, he stood again, slamming the top of his head once more. Scowling, he turned and hit his face on a chandelier.

'DAMNIT!' he screamed as he excreted fire and lightning, burning the hobbit's house down in a thunderous streak of anger and flame. Bilbo stood before him, shocked, before he drew his sword, Bling, and taunted Gandalf.

'It's on, bitch,' Gandalf cried as he drew Hamstring and swiped at Bilbo with his staff.

End Flashback?—

'I wonder how the others are doing?' Richard asked as he groped Eileen's breasts.

'Dude!' Amarant cried, observing this.

'Shut up, Colossus, get your own.'

Amarant turned to Henry.

'NOOOOOOO!!!!' Henry screamed as he darted into the back bedroom.

'All I was going to ask was if there was any beer in this place . . .' Amarant shrugged.

'IN THE FRIDGE!' came Henry's voice from the bedroom.

'Kick ass,' Amarant said as he grabbed a Bud Light. 'Two cool points for Henry.'

— — — Still somewhere dark — — —

'Oooh,' Maria moaned. 'You dirty animal, you!'

'How long have they been having sex?' James asked, defeated.

'Two hours,' Robo beeped. 'And . . . thirty-four minutes.'

'And longer still to go,' Tom added.

'EternalFlare doesn't want us to stop,' Maria purred.

Author: That's the third time that I've written you purring. And I do want you to stop, it's just you don't listen to orders.

'Our offer from earlier still stands . . .' Maria said as she went back to making out with Tom.

'Why hasn't anyone wondered WHERE THE FUCK WE ARE!?' Crono said.

'That thought hath crossed mine mind, Crono, but naught of it has theirs,' Frog moaned.

'Shouldn't we be thinking of a plan?' Robo beeped.

'If no one else is, I guess it's up to us to save the day, like fucking usual,' Crono fumed.

'HEY!' James roared, 'I SAVED YOUR ASS IN THE HOSPITAL!'

'One time,' Crono stated. 'WITH YOUR ASS!'

'But still . . .'

'No more thinking!' Crono yelled, 'it's time to act!'

'"You're using coconuts!" "What?" "You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're bangin' them together!" "Well it doesn't matter, will you ask your master if he'll join my court at Camelot?" "Where'd you get the coconuts?" "We found them." "Found them? In Mercia? The coconuts tropical!" "What do you mean?" "Well this is a temperate zone!" "The swallow may fly south with the sun . . . or the house martin or the plover might seek warmer climes in winter — yet these are not strangers to our land!" "Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" "Not at all . . . they could be carried!" "A swallow, carrying a coconut!?" "It could grip it by the husk—" "It's not a matter of where he grips it: it's a simple matter of weight ratios: a five ounce bird, could not carry a one pound coconut!"'

'Who's closest to James?' Crono sighed.

'Me,' Maria sighed.

'Smack his ass.'

'All I did was do as you said!' James pleaded. 'I acted!'

Smack.

'Done . . .'

'That sounded . . . NO! NOT LITERALLY! SMACK HIS FACE!'

'Oh.'

Sharper smack.

'Mommy!' James cried as he curled into a ball. He then reached around and punched Maria.

'. . . James, join us, please . . .' Maria begged.

'Masochistic bitch,' Crono muttered.

— — — Room 302 — — —

Henry was in his bedroom, picking up some papers while singing in a high falsetto.

'Sing me a song, you're singer — do me a wrong, you're bringer of evil — the Devil is never a maker — the less that you give, you're a taker —' Finally he found a few notes that he understood.

Me can't break wall.

Eileen equals the mother's body. And what a fine body . . .

Bell rings means that the ritual begins . . . and an angel gets his wings.

Henry is gay.

'Motherfucker.'

Walter wrote the previous note.

'Oh.'

But I agree.

'Son of a bitch.'

Henry stormed out of the bedroom and stepped in a big pile of black goo. He found Richard and Amarant looking up behind him, while Eileen was passed out on the couch. Turning around, he saw a weird looking male with no hair looking at him, hanging down from the ceiling.

'HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT!' he screamed as he fell backwards, breaking the coffee table.

'THAT COST TWO GRAN— . . . ahem,' the figure said. 'You've done well to make it this far . . . I guess. It's not like it's that hard.'

'Bull shit,' Henry muttered.

'Anyway . . . I'm Joseph Schreiber. DAAAAYUM, Eileen! You look HOT!'

'Tee hee,' Eileen giggled in her sleep.

'Anyway . . . Brainfart!? You died!?'

'Yeah,' Richard admitted.

'I expected you to whup Sullivan's ass!'

'I'm gonna . . .'

'And who the hell are you?'

'I'm Amarant Coral . . .' Amarant said.

'Why are you here?'

Amarant sighed. 'It's a long story.'

'Yeah, back onto the topic. Let me tell you a little sumthin-sumthin about Walter Sullivan . . . yo.'

— — — Still somewhere dark — — —

'Cuz you won't get away, no with us you will stay, for the rest of your days — sit down!'

'He always must begin to sing,' Frog sighed.

'If this doesn't end soon,' Tom said, 'I want you to eat James.'

'Turn off your conscience — leave the world outside — nothing at all can ever make you feel — that anything's real, if you just DISCONNECT'

'Kill that son of a bitch,' Maria moaned. 'And then let us use the body . . . muahaha!'

'No . . .' James whimpered. 'Huh? There's something here . . .' Suddenly a door opened, spilling light into the room. It was a small iron cell. James stood by the doorway, holding the spade. 'I think this might be the exit.'

'No shit, Sherlock,' Crono said as he stood up. 'You fucking imbecile! This is a ledge. We can't—'

James dove off.

'. . . oh well. I sacrificed myself once, I don't mind dying again.' Crono leapt off.

'Everyone down!' Frog cried as he leapt off.

— — — Room 302 — — —

'. . . and that's essentially it.'

Henry squinted, trying to comprehend. 'So . . . Walter thinks that my apartment is his mom?'

'Essentially,' Joseph sighed.

'And he's killing people to . . . purify her?'

'Yeah.'

'. . . BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SHIT IS THAT! HE THINKS AN APARTMENT IS HIS MOM? WHAT A FUCKING RETARD! BUAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!'

Richard and Amarant broke out laughing uncontrollably, amidst cries of 'What a dipshit' and 'Stupid bitch'.

'Anyway,' Joseph said, clearly not expecting this to happen, 'you've gotta kill him. Or else he'll kill you and wake up the Devil.'

'Yeah, heh, I'll kill him,' Henry said, standing up. 'But I don't know—'

'Obey da Crimson Tome,' Joseph said. He then sank back into the wall. Henry looked and saw that, on the coffee table, was an old book and a fairy tale. The fairy tale he read first.

Once upon a time, there was a baby. He was connected to his mommy through a MAGICAL cord! The baby felt warm and happy when he was with the MAGICAL cord! But then the MAGICAL cord was cut, and baby was all alone. But baby made lots of MAGICAL friends at the MAGICAL wish house, and he learned of a way to wake his mommy up. 'Cuz after the MAGICAL cord was cut, mommy went to sleep. That's important. But baby figured out that the mommy he was trying to wake up was a rude old bitch named Mrs. Cunnings. Then he went next door, and tried to wake up his mommy there. But then he found that he was trying to wake up the Devil. Poor baby, had no money. Then a light appeared from the sky, and behold: the MAGICAL cord! Baby clutched the MAGICAL cord in hand, and drifted off to sleep.

MAGICAL!

'That was . . . really gay,' Henry said as he threw it away. 'Now to the Crimson Tome.

She who be called The Holy Mother be not holy one whit. That which be called the 'Descent of the Holy Mother' be naught but the 'Descent of the Devil'. The 21 Sacraments be not sacramental one whit. Those that be called the 21 Sacraments be naught but the '21 Heresies'.

If thou would stop the Descent of the Devil, thou must pierce the Conjurer's flesh with the flesh of his birth mother. Then stick the 8 spears of 'Darkness', 'Gloom', 'Void', 'Despair', 'Temptation?', 'Source-Code', 'Stalker', and 'Chaos' within his true body. If thou does this, then the Conjurer's unholy flesh shall become that which it once was, by the grace of our Lord.

'There we go!' Henry said.

'Dude, what's that?' Amarant said, pointing at the wall down the hall (Rhyme).

'Whoa, a pickaxe!' Henry said as he picked it up. 'Damn, this is blunt as hell. "Hope" is written on the handle.'

'Why don't you go back to your apartment and break down the same wall?' Richard suggested.

'Sure,' Henry said, climbing in the H013 once more. 'You comin'?'

'I can't fit,' Amarant said.

'And that just seems gay,' Richard said. 'Come on, Amarant, let's go.'

— — — Room 302 — — —

'HOLY FUCKING — MY HEAD!' Henry screamed as he fell out of his bed, running out to the living room. He noticed the fan had fallen on the coffee table, and that there were demons invading the whole room. Ignoring it like he was so good at, he pulled the pickaxe out of his pocket and hit the wall he was supposed to break down. 'Maybe I should use this on the chains . . . nah.'

— — — Five minutes later — — —

The wall is barely even phased.

'Damnit, this is going to take a while.'

— — — The others — — —

'Where the hell are we?' James asked as he woke up.

''Tis the apartment world again!' Frog cried.

'Huh . . . that's weird,' Maria said. 'Look . . . there's Room 302.'

'Really?' James asked. 'Whew, there are a lot of demons in there, and the fan fell down.' He was looking through the peephole, of course.

'What the hell!?' Crono asked. 'Why is Henry beaming and running for the door like a girl?'

'I don't know . . .' James muttered as they heard clicking noises.

— — — Two minutes prior — — —

'Damn . . . wall . . .' Henry said as he leaned on the pickaxe and caught his breath. Stooping, he entered a secret room and walked into the centre. Looking to his left, he saw a huge body, tangled up on a cross-like pipe.

'Dude . . . that looks like Walter.' He went up to the corpse of Walter and found 11121 carved on his foot. Also, taped on his forehead was a note that read 'DO NOT DISTURB . . . BITCH'.

Henry punched Walter's face, causing his coat to rustle and some keys to fall off. Henry picked them up and examined them.

'Now what the hell do I need a key for!?' he cried. 'The only thing I have left to unlock is . . . MY FRONT DOOR!'

— — — Outside Room 302 — — —

'RUN!' Robo beeped as they saw Henry charging the door after unlocking the chains. They moved away as Henry knocked the door open, sailing through it and hitting the hard wall across from the door.

'Son of . . . a bitch,' Henry sighed as he fell backwards. Standing up, he screamed from joy. 'I'm free, I'm free, I'm free, I'M FREE! Eat that, Walter!'

'Uh . . .' Tom said, 'Henry . . .'

'What!?' Henry asked. It was then that he noticed the red wormy-things on the walls. 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

'Yeah,' everyone said quietly.

'I'm going . . . to kill Walter!'

It was then that Eileen, Richard and Amarant appeared from down the hall. Amarant immediately bent down and threw up.

'How can you teleport!?' he cried as he continued puking.

'I'm dead. My insides are fried,' Richard declared as he walked towards Henry and co.

'You got out, Henry!' Eileen cried as she ran for him.

'Not exactly,' Henry said.

'Come on Henry,' Richard said, taking Henry by the shoulder. 'There's one more thing we have to do before you can kill Walter.'

To Be Continued

— — —

Will Henry be able to kill Walter? How can Richard teleport? (Insert another question)? Tune in next time for: Outside Room 302!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

James acts out a scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.