Chapter 12

Everything about the room was cold. The rows of instruments, the steel tables, the low lighting and the lack of heat came together to leave a chilly, sterile and uninviting atmosphere. A sense of sadness and death hung like a cloud over the occupants. Visitors were few. Nobody wanted to venture into the bowels of the building.

Hotch approached one of the tables. On it, a small figure lay covered by a sheet. 'Please... don't let it be him... I'll do better... god, no...'

Slowly, shakily and with a great sense of foreboding, Hotch lifted the sheet to uncover the face. The body was of a small boy, no more than four years old. The pale, grey face bore the marks of recent trauma. The child's blond hair had been neatly combed and he looked almost peaceful in his slumber. But even such loving preparation could not change the only fact that really mattered: Jack Hotchner was dead.

Hotch collapsed onto a metal stool and buried his face in his hands. "No! Not Jack! Nooooo!"

He felt a soft hand on his shoulder, shaking him. He didn't want to open his eyes. He couldn't bear to see his son's lifeless face again. "Jack..." he moaned, heartbroken.

"Aaron!"

He tried to shake off the hand. He wanted to be alone, to spend time with his son, time that he hadn't spent when Jack was alive. But the voice persisted.

"Aaron! Aaron, wake up!"

The shaking became more urgent.

"Aaron, pleeeease! You're dreaming! Wake up! Jack is okay, he's alive. Open your eyes!"

At last the fog surrounding his brain began to lift. Hotch, disoriented, started to open his eyes, blinking at a light shining in his face. He lifted his hand to block the glare, which was coming from the lamp on his bedside table. A familiar figure stood in front of him.

"Haley???" he mumbled, still trying to decipher where he was.

Haley Hotchner quietly pulled her chair over to the bedside. Gently, she stroked his head. "Yes Aaron, it's me. And Jack is here too." She pointed behind her, into the shadows. Hotch could make out the shadowy outline of his son curled up on another chair, covered by a blanket and sleeping.

"Haley..."

"Shhh, it's okay. Agent Jareau told me everything. But it's the middle of the night and you need to rest. We will talk in the morning. Jack and I aren't going anywhere. I only woke you up because you were talking in your sleep. You were having a nightmare..."

Hotch shuddered involuntarily. The image from the morgue was still very fresh in his mind. He closed his eyes. He could feel Haley's touch as she continued to run her fingers through his hair. It was soothing and reminded him of their good times. His body relaxed and he fell back to sleep.

***

When Hotch awoke again, bright sunshine was streaming through the window. He looked in the direction of the guest chairs to make sure he hadn't been dreaming... that Jack and Haley were okay. Haley saw that he was alert, smiled at him and put down the book she had been reading.

"Good afternoon!" she said, bringing her chair closer.

"Afternoon?" Hotch frowned. "How long have I been out?"

Haley's smile vanished. "Uh... a day and a half..."

"What?!"

"Aaron, you were in rough shape after... well, after the other day. The doctors decided to keep you sedated so that they could rehydrate you and give your body total rest." She looked pointedly at him. "They have obviously learned how stubborn you can be..."

The patient sighed and raised himself into a sitting position. "I guess I was a bit off by the time I got back here."

Haley shook her head at his understatement. "'A bit off', Aaron? You were close to total exhaustion! Your blood pressure was really low and your heart was doing some weird things." Seeing his sudden distress, she hurried on, "But you're ok, all the tests they did last night were normal. You'll be fine." She smiled again.

Hotch looked at the second visitor's chair. It was empty.

"Where's Jack?" he asked. He tried to keep the desperation out of his voice, how badly he needed to hold his son, but Haley was still able to read him like a book.

"He'll be back soon. Morgan took him to get some lunch and I warned them they couldn't be long. Besides, I thought that we should talk a little first. I wanted you to be in the loop: Jack knows that you were worried about him, but not why, and not to what extent. And I... I've not told him about Sue or Eric yet either... I thought that until he could see that his father was alright, I should wait..."

Hotch nodded in approval. "I think you're right." He folded his arms across his chest, being careful not to kink the line to his IV. Unconsciously, he rubbed the thumb and forefinger of one hand together. It was his thinking posture. "Haley, I'm sorry about bringing in the team. I must have frightened you... I was just so worried..."

"It's okay, Aaron. I completely understand. I can only imagine what you went through that day. I would have been wishing I had similar resources if Jack or you went missing!"

"So, what happened, Haley? I knew something was up when you didn't return my calls..."

Haley looked sheepish. "God, Aaron, it was just as simple as my cell battery running out... Okay, the full story is that Sue and I had arranged a play-date for Jack and her boy, Eric. She volunteered to drive and I was fine with that. Anyway, we went to the zoo. But we hadn't been there very long before Eric started to feel sick. Sue decided to take him home, but Jack was having so much fun that I said we'd just take a cab. We were in the African exhibit for ages and then Jack insisted on buying you a gift from the shop. By the time we came out, the storm had hit and Jack had left his toque in the van..." she paused, helping herself to some water from the jug on the bedside table.

"...so walking to a bus stop was out of the question... Anyway, I started talking with the shop clerk and she said that there was a hotel nearby that was reasonably priced and why didn't I just treat myself and Jack to a 'sleep-over' and wait out the storm. So I did... I never thought to call you... never thought that Sue..." here, Haley's eyes filled with tears.

Hotch unfolded his arms and reached across to put his hand on her knee. "I'm sorry, Haley..."

She dabbed at her eyes. "I told myself I wasn't going to do this." she sniffed.

Aaron looked at her sympathetically. "She was your friend; it's only natural that you're upset."

Haley gazed at him for a moment. "I know... it's just such a waste. And poor Eric..." she straightened suddenly and seemed to recover her strength. "Anyway, your team found me eventually, thank god. I wanted to bring Jack over right then and there, but Agent Rossi told me that you'd be out for awhile."

"I'm just glad that you're both okay." said Hotch sincerely.

"And I am very grateful that being such a caring father didn't do you any permanent damage."

They smiled sadly at each other. Not for the first time, Hotch wondered where it had all gone so wrong between them. But he then consoled himself with the fact that they were alive and able to get along; Jack had two loving parents... unlike Eric.

Suddenly, a small form burst into the room and threw himself on top of the bed.

"DADDY!!!" yelled Jack joyfully.

Hotch was almost too overcome to speak, but he quickly smothered his emotions and scooped the boy into his arms, oblivious to the fact that his IV had come loose. "Jack! I have missed you so much!"

Jack hugged his father, giggling with pleasure. Then he saw the stray tube and his young eyebrows furrowed.

"Daddy." He said sternly. "Dr. Travis is gonna be mad at you. You've lost something out of your hand!"

Hotch smiled affectionately at Jack. "No, it's okay. I have finished with it now. It was giving me energy while I was resting, that's all. But thanks for looking out for me. Do you know how much I love you?"

Jack's smile returned. "I love you too! And I got you a present!" He wriggled out of Aaron's arms and slid off the bed, running over to Morgan, who had entered the room and sat down in the empty visitor chair.

"Uncle Morgan?! Wanna see the present I got for my daddy?"

Morgan grinned broadly and pretended to poke Jack in the belly. "You bet, kid! But you'd better let your dad see it first... you haven't lost it already, have you?" he asked in mock concern.

Jack laughed, pushing away Derek's hand. "NOOOO! It's right here!" The youngster crawled under his mother's chair and snatched a small bag out of her purse. He marched up to the bed and carefully set the bag onto his father's lap.

Hotch picked up the bag and pretended to shake it. "Mmm, doesn't make any sound... Am I allowed to open it now, Jack?"

Jack threw his head up and down and clapped his hands in excitement.

"It's very appropriate." said Haley quietly. She smiled encouragingly at her ex-husband. "Go on, Aaron, open it."

Hotch kept his eyes on his son as he unwrapped the top of the bag. 'I could look at that smile forever...' he thought. He put his hand into the parcel and pulled out a small statue. A lion with a large mane was mounted on a stand that read "#1 DAD".

He was incredibly moved. "Jack..." he breathed, "I... I don't know what to say... Thank you!" and once again, he lifted Jack into a hug and kissed the top of his head. Hotch was keenly aware of how fortunate he was. His son was alive and well and clearly loved his dad. 'I don't deserve him, but I'm so grateful... I will do better!'

"The lions were my favourite at the zoo!" Jack was saying, his eyes bright with the memory. "And the man at the cage said that lions are really strong!"

"That's right, kid." Morgan took the statue from Hotch so that his boss could better hold his son. "And you know what else lions are?"

Jack twisted around in Hotch's arms to face Derek. He shook his head.

Morgan held up the statue. "Lions are very brave. And out of ALL the animals, they are the leaders."

Jack smiled again. "Just like my daddy!"

Morgan ignored the frown from Hotch and grinned back at the boy. "Right again, Jack! Exactly like your daddy."

***

As much as he didn't want to relinquish Jack, Hotch knew that his son was getting tired. 'He can't have slept well on that chair.' So when Haley announced that it was time to go, Aaron didn't protest. He gave Jack a last tight hug and a kiss and regretfully watched him follow his mother out of the room.

Morgan waved good-bye to the departing pair then turned to face the man in the bed. His smile disappeared as he regarded his Unit Chief. "Hotch. We need to talk."

Hotch raised his eyebrows. "Oh?" he said guardedly, "What about?"

"You." Said Morgan simply.

Hotch rolled his eyes and sighed loudly. "Morgan..."

Derek broke in, "No Hotch. You're not getting out of this. No way!"

Hotch fixed Morgan with one of his patented glares but Derek was unmoved. Aaron could see that the younger agent was not going to let this go. He also remembered Ben MacDonald's advice: 'talk to Agent Morgan, he seems to be a key figure in your flashbacks...' He trusted Derek, he just wasn't convinced he wanted to share his thoughts with him. Still frowning, he asked,

"What, precisely, did you want discuss? I'm grateful for all of your help finding Jack, I'll..."

Again, Morgan shook his head and cut off his superior. "You're not getting it, Hotch. This isn't about me, it's about you. Let's start by you telling me how are you doing?"

"Fine, now that I'm sure about Jack. Satisfied?"

Morgan grinned. "Nope, not even close."

Hotch closed his eyes and rested his head back on his pillows. "Morgan, you've obviously got something to say... so say it, please, and let's move on to other subjects."

"I'm worried about you. Rossi says you're still getting severe flashbacks."

"Agent Rossi shouldn't be saying anything. Besides, they're nothing you need to be concerned about."

"That's bull and you know it. Hey, look at me. After all we've been through, you can trust me! Remember New York City? You said you trusted me with your life."

Hotch opened his eyes and regarded his agent. "I do trust you, Morgan."

"So trust me now. Tell me about these flashbacks, maybe I can help!"

"Morgan..." Hotch said, "I appreciate your concern, but I already have a psychologist. And I'm fine!"

Morgan looked down at his hands, which were folded on his lap. He tried to think of another tact which would get his boss to open up.

"True, you do have a doc. But I'm the one who seems to be front and centre of your memories."

That startled Hotch, and Morgan saw it.

"Who told you that?" demanded the older agent, scowling. His dark eyes flashed with anger.

"It doesn't matter. Call it a lucky guess. But I can see that it's true."

Hotch looked away, folding his arms across his chest in his typical defensive posture. "Coincidence."

It was Morgan's turn to roll his eyes. "Man, why are you being so pig-headed?! Can't you see I care about you?!"

He was met with stony silence.

"Okay, you're going to hear me out... you've had your chance." Morgan paused to see if he would get a reaction, but Hotch was still looking anywhere but at Derek. Morgan began to get frustrated.

"Hotch! Listen to me! You're our Unit Chief, and a damn good one! Now somewhere along the line, you've come up with the idea that this title means that you have to be right 100% of the time. That you have to take the blame whenever something doesn't go right for us, even if that something is completely beyond our control. That you have to protect all of us...

"And because of that notion, you've got it into that stubborn head of yours that somehow you've let us down, that the bad bust was your fault. So now you're feeling guilty, maybe even questioning your command...

"How am I doing so far?"

"I thought we had an agreement not to profile each other." Hotch muttered through clenched teeth. Morgan saw his fists curl; he knew he was on the right track, even if Hotch wasn't admitting it.

"Tell me I'm wrong, Hotch."

More silence.

Morgan leaned forward. "The last time I looked, we were supposed to be a team. Hell, we're so close we're practically a family. And in families, everyone relies and leans on everyone else, not one person. This family, this team, needs YOU. But not to take sole responsibility for everything, that's impossible. We created those Gordon profiles together. We ALL agreed they were the best we could do with the information we had. You do remember that, don't you, Hotch?! So drop this bull about the profile being wrong and the idea you could have prevented the whole thing."

Hotch shifted in the bed to face Morgan. "Derek, it's nice of you to try to cover for me, but as team leader, it was my responsibility..."

Morgan stood up, rubbing the top of his bald head in annoyance. He began pacing, looking daggers at his boss.

"Man, that is total crap! And the Agent Hotchner I know would understand that. So what else is eating you? I know it's not Jack..." Derek stopped his pacing and sat back in the chair. "Tell me about the god-damn flashbacks."

Aaron looked at a point on the wall beyond Agent Morgan. 'If I do resign, the team deserve to know why... and I don't want Derek blaming himself... he already knows that he's prominent in my memories and he'll take it personally...'

In a monotone, and still examining the distant spot on the wall, Hotch briefly outlined his two main recollections. "Morgan... I... I owe you an apology. Aside from the fact that you shouldn't have been put into that situation in the first place, I should have done more to help you with the negotiation... especially when I was at the window." His eyes met Derek's and his voice dropped to a whisper, "I'm sorry... all I could think was that I was about to die... and that I'd never see my son again..."

Morgan looked at Hotch in genuine disbelief. "You're serious? THAT is what this is all about?!! Hotch! You've got it all wrong! You didn't let me down! You didn't let anybody down!"

The younger agent sounded so fervent in his words that Hotch couldn't help but start to listen. Morgan continued,

"I will NEVER, EVER forget what you did at that window! You don't think you helped??! Man, you were a god-send. I want to know how you stayed so cool. Jesus, you had a gun to your head! And how the hell did you know what to say?!! You were only half-conscious and yet you hit the guy with the only line he'd pause for... how did you think of it?!! You saved your ass, and Rossi's... and bought me a bit of time to calm down..." he looked directly at his supervisor, saying reverently,

"I owe you big time. Your actions went beyond whatever crazy notion you have about leadership. In my opinion, you deserve a medal. I've always respected, you, Hotch, but that control you have... that's special. You're definitely one of the best."

The two men looked at each other for a long minute. Eventually, Hotch broke off eye contact.

"I... uh... thanks, Morgan." He said awkwardly.

Morgan became animated once more. "I meant every word. I'm not here to suck up to you!"

Hotch sighed. "I know. I've always appreciated your directness."

"Always, Sir?" Morgan teased.

"Okay, most of the time." Hotch smiled slightly. "But I still you owe you an apology... I saw your face when you were loosening my tie in the Gordon house..."

"Jesus, Hotch, I hope that shrink is working on bringing you back to some reality. Sure, you scared the shit out of me, out of everyone. But we were scared because we care about you, man. You matter to us; Agent Hotchner the Unit Chief and Aaron Hotchner the man." Morgan lowered his voice,

"It's just tough to see a friend fighting for his life... you almost died..."

They sat in stillness again. This time it was Morgan who broke the silence.

"You want to know what else I think?"

"I'm sure you'll tell me anyway." Hotch said dryly.

"Maybe these flashbacks are trying to show you your team's viewpoint..."

Hotch frowned. "What do you mean?"

Morgan thought briefly. In his head, he knew the point he wanted to make, but he wasn't quite sure how to articulate it. Hotch eyed the young agent; he waited patiently. At last, Derek said,

"Like I've told you, I've always respected you, drill sergeant and all. But that bust really opened my eyes to just how good you really are...

"I was pissed with you after New York, not giving me your recommendation for the field office job..."

Hotch said nothing but maintained eye contact with his agent.

Morgan cleared his throat and continued. "...but then you get shot. Now the man I saw lying on that floor trying to breathe; he'd fought for what he believes in and was prepared to die for it. I finally got it, Hotch. You represent what I admire: strength, leadership, integrity... You've always shown these things, but I think we have taken them for granted... at least I have. So if any good has come from all of this mess, maybe this is it... your team finally gets it."

Hotch wasn't sure how to respond. He still didn't understand how getting himself shot and escaping death constituted leadership but he also realized that Morgan was entitled to his opinion. Just because he didn't agree with Derek's interpretation didn't make it incorrect.

Morgan could see that Hotch was thinking hard. He remembered Rossi's words in the SUV: 'Hotch will always do what he thinks is right for everyone but himself.' He chose his next words carefully.

"If you truly want out of the BAU for the sake of more time with Jack, you know I'll support you. But if you're thinking the right thing for this team is you leaving us, I'm telling you that there's not one person who agrees with you. Not one. Don't go, man. Not this way."

Aaron gave no sign of having heard Derek. He seemed to be completely lost in thought.

Morgan pushed on, "Hotch! You are all the things I strive to be. Why would I want or need any other teacher??! I want to learn from the best." He rose from the chair and picked up the lion statue from the bedside table and placed it on Hotch's lap.

"Your kid couldn't have chosen a better reminder. And if your four-year old son can see it, then you should too."

***

After Morgan had left, Hotch eased himself out of bed and limped over to stand by the window. Outside, there was no trace of the storm that had wreaked havoc on the city just 48 hours earlier. Aaron watched a mother and father walk out of the hospital with a newborn baby. He remembered how terrified he had been; fatherhood was such a huge responsibility. Four years later and Hotch was still petrified. He desperately wanted to be a good father. But what exactly did that entail? What made a "good" father? He wasn't sure anymore. In his mind he replayed the conversation with Morgan. 'Will resigning from the BAU make me a better father?' he asked himself. 'And what about the team? Is leaving the best thing for them or am I being selfish..? But if I stay, am I still effective, can I still lead this team? Morgan and Rossi both seem to think so, but I'm just not convinced anymore. What if I freeze or blackout again during a crucial moment? I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to any of them...'

Sighing heavily, Hotch turned away from the window and painfully made his way back to the bed. His calf was stiff and sore from his fall on the ice and if he moved too quickly, he would get sharp stabs of pain to his rib and abdomen, so he was careful. Adjusting his leg, his eyes fell upon the statue of the lion. He stared at it for a long time. 'Maybe Morgan was right... maybe I need to rethink a few things...' He leaned over and picked up his cell phone from the bedside table. He scrolled through his contact list and hit the call button. It was picked up after only two rings.

"Hi, it's Aaron Hotchner. I'd like to make another appointment, please."

***