I don't own anything.
A few days later than I'd have liked, and I'm sorry. Work is awesome when you get your paycheck, but it sucks when your days OFF turn into days ON. And I don't even mean that in a fun, dirty way. Le sigh.
Thank you as always to Breath-of-twilight for her amazing beta-ing. I am grateful for every day she doesn't say "fuck this shit" and throw in the towel.
I looked around the group and noticed that everyone was doing their best to be invisible. No one wanted to talk. Why did he pick on me, anyway? Prick.
Lightbulb.
If I'm super cooperative, it will look good to Dr. Cullen, and to Charlie and Sue. Bring it.
"Yeah, me." I spoke up, sounding a bit more combative than I had intended. I think my voice conveyed how I was looking at this as a challenge. How much could I say without actually having to talk about my own feelings, or my own program? I was about to find out.
"What's up, Bella?" Emmett leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees and resting his chin on his hands. I sort of wanted to hit him.
"You see, I have this problem…" I started, and then talked about every inconsequential problem I could think of... and then shit that wasn't even a problem for me. I opened my mouth and let everything I was thinking flow. The way the weather was affecting my hair, how lumpy my pillow was, the fact that the highest SPF supplied by the camp was a 30, how concerned I was that all of the girls in the cabin's menstrual cycles would sync up. I talked so much that I stopped listening to myself. By 2:30, Emmett looked like he wanted to kill himself, and Jen was openly laughing. At least I had one fan.
"So, now it's like, am I supposed to wear my muddy flip-flops that got ruined on my walk around in the shower, so they get clean, or is that counterproductive because then my feet will get muddy in the shower? Can mud clog up a shower drain? Speaking of that, I heard that at some university in Boston, they had to post a notice asking the guys not to whack-it in the shower because they were clogging up all the drains. Do you have a notice up like that in the boy cabins here? I think you should, because I would be super pissed if the drains got clogged here because some kid couldn't jack it into a sock like a normal teenager and –"
"Okay! So, everyone, it's 2:30. Time for that little break. We'll meet back here in fifteen, and then close up all the loose ends for the day." Emmett looked so relieved that I had stopped talking. It was awesome. That was payback for all of the toast, fucker.
I stayed where I was and lay back on the blanket as I lit a cigarette, closing my eyes and enjoying the feeling of the smoke in my lungs. With my eyes closed, I could still see the shadow cross my face when Emmett walked over to me. I didn't bother opening my eyes.
"Going to think again before you ask me about my feelings there, Tiny?" I took another drag of my cigarette and hoped that when I ashed, it didn't land on the blanket. I wasn't all about going up in a ball of fire today. I had all of eternity for that.
"You're such a pain in the ass, Bella. Can you try to cooperate, please? Rose said you were fine in her activity. What the hell is your problem?"
"Rose didn't single me out in a crowd and ask if I wanted to talk about anything. Care to share why you wanted me to talk?" I continued to keep my eyes closed, mainly because I knew if I opened them I would begin to feel sorry for the way I acted. He totally had it coming, but he always looked like a giant teddy bear. I couldn't be mean to his face. I could be annoying to his face, sure. But not mean.
"You were sitting directly across from me, Bella. That's it. I don't have some mysterious plan to piss you off. I'm just doing my job." He paused, and I thought he was finished. He wasn't.
"This is the real world. Put on your fucking big girl pants and join the rest of us in it, because I can guarantee not everyone is going to be as nice as me. This is the last time I'm going to put up with your shit. You're not stupid, you're not immature, and you're not crazy. You're acting out for no reason, and if we have this conversation again, it's going to involve your parents and Dr. Cullen."
I had no idea how to process what he had just said to me. No one had ever spoken to me like that, let alone someone with the title of my "mentor." The teen-angst, shoot-aim-ask questions later part of me wanted to rip him a new one. Who the fuck did he think he was? Charlie and Sue were paying an ass-load of money for me to be there, and without those payments he would be out of a job. Prick.
However, the more mature, think before you speak part of me knew instantly that he was right. Where else did I think I was going to get away with that behavior? My sessions with Dr. Cullen? Not likely. College? Hell no. Any job I could ever hope of having? Fuck no. Wendy's wouldn't put up with that shit. I had to face the fact that Emmett was right, and I was wrong.
When I thought about it, I realized that several of the kids in that group probably needed normal human interaction, even if it was in a small, group discussion setting. I had robbed them of the opportunity to actually help themselves; not everyone there was laughing at SAP like I was. No matter how much it hurt, I had to apologize. I sucked it up, and stood up so I could make eye contact with him, to assure he could see I was serious.
"All right. Fine." I stopped and held up three fingers, scout's honor style. "I promise I won't dick out like that again. I can't promise I won't be obnoxious, or inappropriate, or… well, me. But, I do promise I won't unnecessarily be unfair to you or anyone else in the group. I thought you were going after me intentionally. I'm sorry."
Emmett looked at me for a long moment, probably trying to see if I was fucking with him. I couldn't blame him. I also could barely hide my laugh; watching Emmett think was sort of like watching a dog walk on its hind legs; it was weird, and sort of unnatural. After he finally decided I was serious, he looked me steadily in the eyes before closing his and taking a deep breath. After opening them, he spoke.
"Thank you for your apology, and for actually meaning it. I want us to be friends. And I mean that in an honest, real way; not like when you tell someone you just dumped that you want to stay friends. You're funny as hell, and you make Edward even spazzier than normal. I think we can be good friends. I just want us to be able to work together in settings like this one, amicably. I appreciate your cooperation."
I wanted to roll my eyes. I definitely wanted to laugh at him. I don't do serious conversations; they make me itchy. Instead, I put on my stoic face and manned up for Emmett's sake.
"Yeah, I can see us being friends. So, let's just… move on from this, yeah?"
We both nodded to each other, and I grabbed myself a cigarette and another for Emmett, who accepted gratefully. We smoked in a comfortable silence for a minute or two; me thinking about what horrors 'Cabin Time' would bring, Emmett probably thinking about Rosalie. He surprised me, though, when he spoke out of the blue.
"Was that true? About that school posting about no masturbating in the showers?"
I gave him a sideways glance to see his expression, and let a slow smile spread across my face. Boys.
"Yeah, it's true. Rumor has it, though, that the posting only made it worse. They think that all of the guys who jacked it in the shower assumed everyone else would stop, so they either did it more, or didn't stop. Either way, there wasn't much of a change." I shrugged as if my shoulders could say Men. Stupid, stupid men.
Emmett laughed and clapped me on the back in a way I'm sure he thought was light and friendly. I almost face planted on the ground in front of me, which was quite the feat considering I was sitting.
"Yeah, Swan. We're going to be friends."
When we all sat back down in the circle after our break, Emmett looked a little exhausted, and I wondered if he and Rose had been a little too active in the sack the night before. Then, I realized that the mental image of them together was a lot harder to get rid of when I'd actually seen it. I knew what Jasper meant when he referred to Brain Bleach. He had the right idea. Where was Jen's tequila when I needed it?
Either way, Emmett gave us the go ahead (after everyone said they had nothing to talk about further) to sit quietly and either work on stuff for other activities, work on stuff for our sessions with our doctors, to speak with him one-on-one, or to just sort of… zone out. I decided now was as good a time as any to work on my journal. Dr. Cullen wanted the feelings I hadn't let bubble to the surface, so I let them run free. And they did... With a vengeance.
Monday, June 12th
SAP. "You'd think for someone who has an eating disorder…" Sit next to Edward, and speak very little. "Shh. Too loud for this time of day." I'm pretty sure he thinks I am bipolar. Eat what I can for breakfast; not everyone needs their weight in carbs to make it through the day. Rip off the crusts. Always feel him next to me; I know nothing about relationships, other than the fact that I think I'm in one. Trip on my way out of the cafeteria, hope he didn't see. God, he's cute. Really, really hope he didn't notice. Instinctively act like a dick toward his friends, and pretend it has nothing to do with the fact that I am clearly falling for him.
Think about being with Edward, how we came to be… whatever we are. Guess it could be a formula. Meet boy. See his balls. Get locked in a cabin with him. Kiss him in a meadow. Let him make you bleed. Kiss him again. Never touch his penis. Does he not think I'm pretty? Why doesn't he want me to touch him? Let things unfold. Let him tell me his issues. Don't share mine. Eat 300 more calories a day, because he always seems so relieved when I eat more than I intended.
Hope his boss isn't mad. We are terrible at keeping secrets. Crazy ex-girlfriend finds out. We pretend she doesn't exist. His friends know, and I can tell they don't know if they should be happy or not. Maybe we should take this as a sign? Push that thought out of my head. It makes me nauseous. Thinking about not being near him makes me nauseous. Thinking about him not stumbling, literally, all over my life makes me nauseous. My head hurts. Briefly consider throwing up lunch, but realize there are probably people trained to notice if I do or not. Instead, internally mope. Write in a book I hope Charlie and Sue never read. Hope to God things blow over. Hope to God he'll kiss me again.
By the time I'd finished my first entry into my journal of Shit I Don't Say Out Loud (SIDSOL), Emmett told us it was time for us to go back to our cabins. I was so not excited for that. I hated my bed; I disliked most of my cabin mates, and with an exception of Esme and Alice, there was literally nothing of interest for me in the entire building. Sadly, I had no choice in going. I grumbled to myself the entire walk there, mostly nonsensical and petty arguments that served no purpose other than to entertain me for the ten minute hike. (If it was a walk that lasted more than three minutes, it was a hike. It's my head and my monologue. I can use whatever words I want.)
I walked into the cabin and internally groaned. Another goddamned circle of people. Jesus, did these people not know any other way to sit a group of people? Regardless, I sat between Alice and Jen. Though Jen and I had spoken very little to each other, I liked to think of her as a silent confidant. I didn't know her issues, I didn't even know if she drank as much as it seemed, but I knew that I liked her. Sitting next to her worked for me.
"Oh, good!" Esme clasped her hands together in front of her chest, looking serene and ridiculously happy.
"We're all here! I'm so glad. I was thinking that since this is the first day of a new rotation, we could go around the circle and say what we liked and disliked about our days. Please, ladies, don't disregard what you dislike. It is just as important as what you do like."
I rolled my eyes. Oh, goodie, another group discussion.
No one spoke up first, so Esme began.
"I absolutely love having a cabin mate with me first thing in the morning! Seeing Bella, after breakfast, is a joy, especially when she speaks up. So insightful about literature! It is an absolute pleasure, miss Bella!" She paused to give me an overly-long smile, which I felt compelled to reciprocate.
"The only displeasure I have in my day, thus far, was that there was no bacon left this morning when I got to breakfast. How sad!" She laughed, light-heartedly, as she placed her hand on her chest in a mock-horror fashion. Dammit. She was just too cute.
Esme indicated for Melanie, who was to her left, to take her turn. Melanie looked down-right pissed that she had to speak. I enjoyed her.
"I liked Bella's verbal diarrhea during group discussion. I disliked lifeguard lessons with Edward."
I desperately wanted to ask her about her activity with Edward. I was maybe, possibly, just a little jealous that she got to see him during an activity. I didn't voice it out loud, though, because Alice started speaking. And because I have principles, dammit.
"I love, love, love having breakfast with my best friend and my boy-" Alice stopped suddenly, most likely so that no one would know she was breaking rules by dating Jasper. "-s. My boys, in the morning. I love being near friends, sharing a good meal. Sorry you missed out on the bacon, Esme. I'm pretty sure that Emmett and I ate all of it. My only dislike is that Bella and I have no activities together! Oh, well. Next time." She tapped her temple and gave me a knowing look. Awesome. I rolled my eyes.
I realized everyone was looking at me, then. Ah, shit. It was my turn.
"I like my activities, content wise, as a whole. I was not expecting to be intellectually stimulated while here. I disliked my group discussion being outside. I like my activities indoors; the sun and I do not agree." I then proceeded to poke the light sunburn on my arm, showing the group of women gathered around me that SPF 30 clearly did not cut it. Esme and Alice laughed; none of the other girls even paid attention.
"Yeah…" Jen, in her completely resigned, sober voice began her turn. "I like-"
Jen was cut off, then, by the front door of the cabin bursting open. Well the door opening, and Edward fantastically tripping over the door frame. He's nothing if not consistent.
"I'm so sorry to interrupt, ladies!" Edward was mildly flushed, and spoke directly to me, even though his words indicated the other women in the room.
"I need to steal Bella away for a moment. There's apparently a slight problem with her schedule that needs to be remedied…"
I looked to Esme, who had the strangest expression on her face. At first, I thought I saw amusement, but it quickly changed to a look of resolution. She appeared to be reasoning with herself, and when one part of her mind won, it was quite obvious.
"Of course, Edward. Go ahead, Bella. I'm sure we'll see you at dinner."
Esme smiled at me almost deviously, as if we shared a secret. I looked between her and Edward, who nodded imperceptibly. I said a quick goodbye to the other girls and followed Edward out. Once we were a suitable distance from the cabin, walking in the direction of the basketball courts, I finally spoke up.
"What's wrong with my schedule? And why did Esme look at me like that?"
"There's nothing wrong with your schedule. I just needed an excuse to get you out. I know you well enough to know that cabin time will never be your thing." He looked over to me and winked, moments before tripping over nothing and almost falling on his face. I grabbed his arm tightly to hold him up, which worked to keep him vertical, for the most part. He blushed slightly but stood upright again to continue walking with me, grabbing my hand tightly in his.
When we arrived at the meadow, there were no fancy candles. There was nothing overtly romantic or aggressively suggestive. There was just a blanket, a bottle of wine, and a picnic basket.
In my mind, the basket was filled with fruits and vegetables and no judgment. I knew better, but I let myself relish in the moment.
I sat down on the blanket, and stared blankly at Edward when he sat across from me. I really had no idea why he had called me out of that (abysmal) Cabin Time. Sure, I was thankful, but I had no idea why he did it. In normal Edward fashion, he (awkwardly) read my mind.
"I, uh… well, it's just. I knew you wouldn't want to be there. And I figured, together, we could have that discussion, instead of around other people. And, you know… I have food here, and wine, and if we didn't go back for dinner no one would notice, so we could probably… Well, it doesn't matter. I just thought you'd like this more."
He looked at me from under his lashes, and I fleetingly wondered what woman taught him all of his tricks. Clearly, these were the wiles of a woman. More confusing than that, though, was that they worked on me. Was I the man in this relationship? My life was confusing.
"What did you think I wanted to discuss?" I was wary; what was he going to bring up? I hadn't shown anyone my journal yet, but lord only knew what when on in this place. Were there secret cameras? The fee for attendance really was a lot, and when you factored in how little the food probably cost…
"Your day, mostly. How your activities went, how you did or didn't like them. Do you like the people in your activities? We can probably change them if you want."
He looked so desperate to please me that I wanted to smack him. I could handle that shit on my own. I didn't need a babysitter who would handle my problems for me. I was a big girl; I could do that on my own. Instead, I took a deep breath. No need to lash out at Edward. He was all cute and innocent and un-tainted by a Bella-type rant. Those things could destroy someone. And he really, really was cute.
Edward had more daddy issues than a Vegas stripper, but that didn't make him any less attractive. Seriously, though, all he was missing was that unmistakable smell of cheap liquor and broken dreams. I looked in his eyes and tried to figure out how I wanted what I was going to say to come out; I could let him feel the true essence of my thoughts – straight up annoyance and mild anger. I could let him feel the absolute fury of the teen angst in me, that same angst that almost reared its ugly head at Emmett earlier in the day. Instead, though, I decided on the mature side of my mind, the side that took deep breaths, and thought things through, and considered words before they were spoken in order to properly respect whom they were spoken to. I had a small level of disdain for that side of me, but that side clearly had to be the one to flourish. Unfortunately, that was how life worked.
"I liked most of my day. I despised the first half of my group discussion with Emmett, but after he – appropriately – whipped my ass into shape on the subject, I hated it less. I worked on my journal for Rose's activity, after advice from Dr. Cullen, and feel like I made progress. I'm not going to lie, though, the best part of the day is already this, and we just got here."
I looked up to Edward, slowly, feeling a bright red flush run across my cheeks… and then down my neck and to my chest. Fuck that blush. That blush and I were going to have some words.
It didn't matter, because Edward flew into action as if that blush had unlocked a caveman inside of him. He dove onto me, forcing me to lie down on the blanket, and kissed my face, lips, neck, chest, and anything else he could with vigor. Edward was hot for me, and dammit-all, I could have died when I realized just how much he had lost control. This was not awkward, oh-I-trip-every-five-seconds Edward. This was magic-sex-hands-Bronze-Boy at my disposal. Don't mind if I do.
I instantly knew that this wasn't going to be like our last forays into the realm of sex. This was way, way different. Edward was practically worshiping me. His kisses were reverent, his touches gentle and loving. It was like he was speaking silent words with every whispering touch and every press of his lips.
When he let his hands drift down my sides, so slowly I thought I might die, I thought I would scream when he met that open space between my shirt and my jeans – that quarter inch of bare flesh held more eroticism than I thought possible. He moved his fingers slowly, back and forth, along the open expanse of my skin. I desperately needed more and let him know by raising my hips up, showing him where I wanted him to touch. He ignored me.
He continued to tease the skin there, which before that moment had not been sensitive, and I shuddered. I couldn't take it anymore. He needed to feel the extent of his actions.
I ran my hands down his sides, and I let my fingers tickle the skin between his horrifically worn Brand New t-shirt and his (what appeared to be) even older jeans. I trailed my fingers along the horizontal length exposed to me and enjoyed the feel of the downy hairs of his happy trail that were exposed.
He began to make the same noises as me, and I realized how much more I enjoyed his noises than I did the actions of him making me make mine. That had never happened to me before. That moment of realization turned me into a mad woman. I needed to make him make them again. It was ia frantic desperation.
I remembered what he said before, about how he didn't let women go there, because of his issues. I promptly ignored that. I slowly unbuttoned his pants, and he waited until his zipper was halfway un-zipped to protest.
"Please, Bella"
"Please what?" I asked as I awkwardly tried to unzip his jeans as I kissed his neck, his ears… anything I could get my lips on. I wanted to make him feel the same way he made me feel.
"Please, don't do that," he finally said as I gripped him around his boxers. Say what again? He didn't want this? Was he fucking serious?
"What?"
"Please, let me make you happy. Don't worry about me."
"This will make me happy. Am I doing it wrong? You can tell me. Just… I want to do this, Edward. Tell me how to do it so you'll like it." I took a deep breath, realizing this could end horribly. I had enough experience to know how to do what I was doing correctly. I didn't want to fuck it up, but I also realized that if he didn't like it, that it meant that he just… didn't like me. I instantly assumed it had to do with how I looked. Those five pounds weren't coming off any faster since I'd begun to up my calorie intake.
"Trust me." He paused to place his hand on the side of my face. "It has nothing to do with you. This is all me." He looked genuine, but that counted for nothing with me. What was I doing wrong?
"I don't understand."
I brushed my hand along the bare skin exposed between his shirt and his jeans again and felt him jump against my hip. He was clearly ready, and yet refused to let me continue. What was wrong with me?
"No, please…" He paused, thinking. He had to actually think of an excuse to not let me touch him. What the fuck was wrong with me that I couldn't touch him? I didn't understand. At all. Weight? Then why did he constantly feed me? Looks in general? Then why did he have a boner? Personality? Then why the fuck was I here. I didn't understand, and I was starting to get pissed.
"You need to tell me what's wrong. I can't… Just, tell me. What's wrong with me?" I tried to make my face look impassive, but I was pretty sure I just looked desperate. I didn't know how to look otherwise.
While Edward sat silently, I took a mental step back from the situation. After a moment, a thought occurred to me. Sure, Bronze Boy was super awesome at sex-like things, but the kid was a spazzy freak. A cute spazzy freak, but an absolute klutz, none-the-less. How did I find myself in a situation where I was begging him to let me touch his peen? Lightbulb. This kid was a master at manipulation, like that episode of Friends… I was instantly pissed.
"Oh, my god. You're good. You son of a bitch. Where did you even come up with this ploy? I applaud you on your originality and foresight, but seriously, do you always put this much work into it? I actually thought you were trying to help me. Jig is up, hot stuff. How many girls have you gotten to just beg to touch you?" Another lightbulb.
"Oh my god, EW! Is that why Tanya tried to whack you off under the table? Jesus, Edward! Don't you have any shame?"
I sat for a moment, trying to gather my wits. I just couldn't believe him. It made perfect sense, though. Everything he said added up to this point; he was the master manipulator. Pick out girl, find her flaws, try to help her fix them, please her sexually, don't let her touch you until she begs you to let her. It was absolutely prodigious. Fucking asshole.
When I gathered enough of my wits about me, I began to stand up. Edward stood with me, looking panicked.
"I don't know what you're talking about. I mean, I understand where you are going with your thoughts, but that just isn't me. Everything I said was true."
I ignored him and straightened out my clothes, getting ready to leave that god forsaken meadow for good.
"Really, Bella. I promise, I didn't lie. I've got issues. Why the fuck do you think I'm here, for Christ's sake? Because I think it's fun? I'm fucked up. I haven't had an orgasm in four years. Four! If you don't believe me, ask Tanya. I mean, I wouldn't intentionally put anyone through that… but, if you don't believe me then ask her. I am fucked up. I was starting to think you could help me with that. I wasn't there yet, but I could see it happening. Please, don't leave me now. Not when I can see us being normal together.
"I have this image in my head of us, out to dinner, where we both eat our fill. We go to an apartment we share together, and we have sex, and we both have orgasms. It's the best thing I could ever think of imagining. Don't take it away, Bella. Not yet."
I ran my hands over my face, thinking. He was either an absolute twat, or an adorably messed up boy. Both seemed entirely plausible. Before I knew what was happening, I apparently decided to believe him.
"If you fuck me over, BB, I swear to god, I will literally kill you. I'm talking bloodbath. I'm-a rip your limbs from your body and staple them to your chest. Capice?"
Edward blanched but nodded slowly in understanding.
"So, you'll give me a chance?" He avoided looking at me, instead choosing to straighten out his worn out t-shirt. I watched the chess pieces on the shirt straighten out, and then as he let go of the hem, they re-wrinkled themselves. Neat, he was not.
"I guess."
Ah, shit. Was I, like, his girlfriend now?
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