The Arranged Marriage

Disclaimer: All recognizable elements are the property of their respective owners. This story and the plot line are mine. I don't give you permission to use them.

A/N: As of posting, TAM has 1026 reviews on and 423 on Twilighted. That's amazing guys, and all on you. So, thank you. A lot of work went into this chapter to get it right for you and I need to thank all of those responsible. Riss, as usual, thank you for pre-reading. Jenny Cullen and bonnysammy, thank you for your beta skills. Twilight0715 and swimom7 helped me with the most important parts. Thanks to the girls on the forum for movie ideas. I'm sure they aren't perfect and I know that you all are going to have to say a lot about it. I'll let you get to it.

Chapter 12: Confession

EPOV

Bella was excited when she and Mom got home Thursday afternoon. I found her in her new study at dinnertime, flipping through the course catalog, and she left it on her desk reluctantly. I loved seeing her so happy, but it was bittersweet. Every time she talked about getting her degree, it was in terms of being able to take care of herself, and the hint was that she needed it because she didn't want me. I hoped that she didn't mean it that way, but given our history, the fear was always there. What made it worse was that it was all my fault.

At dinner that night, she was animated in a way that I hadn't seen her in a long time, and I used my time to just watch her again. Now that I knew her better, I understood the nuances in her expressions. It made observing her all the more interesting to me.

Afterwards, she rushed back to her office, so I went back to mine and delved into work for a few more hours. True to his word, Dad had relieved me of everything to do with the businesses managed by the Spencers. In return, though, he'd passed on some of his work, and I had already spent a week sifting through it. Finally, at nine o'clock, I set the books aside and knocked on the door to Bella's office. It swung open easily underneath my hand; the room was dark and empty.

With a heavy heart, I climbed the stairs and returned to my room. Bella hadn't waited for me. It was all my worst fears, blossoming right before my eyes. I deserved it, to be sure, but I didn't want to watch Bella walk away. I wouldn't recover if she did. My actions in the past hadn't conveyed the hold she had on me, and it had only gotten stronger as we had gotten to know each other. I felt horrible for hurting Bella the way I had, for treating her the way I had. She deserved better than I had given her, but I wanted to be the man that gave her everything she wanted. I wanted to be worthy of her. And I didn't think I was going to ever get the chance. Sitting there on my settee, with my tie loose around my neck, all of my fears poured out. My hands covered my eyes, though the wetness still seeped through.

And that was how Bella found me.

"Edward?" she called, slowly entering my room from the study. "Honey, what's wrong?"

I sniffed and wiped my eyes before I looked at her. "Nothing, baby. I'm okay. What's going on?" She rarely entered my room, and had never sought me out like this.

Her skeptical expression showed that she didn't believe me, but she let it pass. "It's nine-thirty."

I gave her what I hoped looked like a smile instead of a grimace and rose to follow her, pulling my tie off as I went.

Her course catalog was on the couch, and little pieces of paper stuck out the top haphazardly. I picked up the book and opened it to one of the indicated pages. "Tell me about this?" I requested.

She shrugged. "It's nothing much. I just marked some things I thought looked interesting. That's sort of what I wanted to talk to you about, though."

"Okay?" I said hesitantly.

"I think I want to go back to school for the spring semester. I don't know what I want to do yet, but I'm getting ideas, and I wanted your opinion," she told me honestly.

"You want my opinion?" I asked cautiously. The last time she was making a decision, she didn't want to be influenced by me.

"Well, yeah. You are my husband," she said in a "well, duh" tone and smiled at me.

I didn't smile back. My fears still sat in the forefront of my mind. "I think going back to school is a great idea. Having that piece of paper will help you get a job when you want one, and it's an experience not to be missed."

"I'm pretty sure I'm going to miss most of those experiences," she said drolly, once again raising her eyebrow at me.

"Not unless you want to," I shot back, fully aware of where this was leading, but unable to rein myself in.

"Hmm, drunken frat parties with face-eating guys . . . doesn't sound all that exciting to me," she mused cheekily. She seemed determined not to let my sullen mood darken her excitement. "Anyway, I only have a week to pick out my classes and re-register. They gave me a list of the pre-reqs that I need, and most of them are at a time where I can still go to the hospital and New Horizons. I'm just not sure about Calculus, though."

"I can help you if you want," I offered. "I think I still remember some of it."

"Thanks!" she chirped happily, throwing her arms around my neck.

I pulled her closer to me and reveled in the feeling of her in my arms. If this is all I would ever have, I was going to have the memories to sustain me.

"So, now," she said as she leaned back, "you want to tell me what is going on with you tonight?"

I hesitated. I didn't want to lie to her, but I didn't really want to put it all out there either. "Just feeling the weight of all my mistakes tonight, Bella. That's all. There are just moments when it all hits me and I don't know how to deal with it. You aren't the only one that gets scared, you know."

"Why are you scared?"

"I love watching you. It's always the simplest things you get the most excited about—a game, time with Alice and Rose, school. But there's so much more behind it. I love seeing the light in your eyes when you talk about working and getting your education, but the implications terrify me," I confessed.

"I don't get it," she said, clearly confused.

"You're going back to school and working so you can stand on your own two feet, Bella. I can't tell you how proud I am of that. But if the reason is so that you can support yourself after you leave me, forgive me for being a little morose," I said bleakly.

She looked taken aback by my declaration and openly gaped at me. I couldn't hold her gaze, and instead, stared at my hands. It wasn't as though this was the first time I had thought about Bella deciding that I wasn't worth the trouble or her forgiveness. In fact, it had occurred to me almost daily for nearly a year and a half. The reality was creeping up on me daily now, and I wondered what it would be like if she were to leave to find herself. The idea nauseated me.

"Edward?" Bella called gently to me, and I slowly twisted my head back toward her. The crease between her eyebrows that she got when she was thinking was deep, and her mouth was pursed.

"Did I . . .? What gave . . .?" She stumbled through her words and thoughts. She opened and closed her mouth several times as she thought about what to say. Finally, she blurted, "Why do you think I'm leaving you?"

"You, well, you've made it clear that forgiving me is impossible" –my voice broke- "and you're working so hard to make your own life," I muttered. I couldn't articulate what was festering inside of me, and the ache was growing. Visions of what my life would be like pounded in my brain. I closed my eyes against the onslaught.

Bella gripped my hands, grounding me and bringing me back to the present. She inhaled deeply and paused before she spoke. "I said it would be almost impossible, not completely. I just need time, Edward. You pushed me away for two years and had sex with someone else! It's not easy to just let that go. And I do want to find my own path. I don't want to be left like Esme, with no prospects and nowhere to go. I want to contribute. Can you understand that?"

I nodded. "Yes, I can, and you know that I will support you in whatever you decide." I fought not to choke on the words, because if she decided that she couldn't forgive me, I wasn't sure that I could let her go. The thought of seeing her with another man made my blood boil—hypocritical, I knew, but it didn't change my reaction.

"That's all I ask," she said simply. She gently pressed her lips to mine, and I forced myself to keep it chaste. We didn't need the hormone-fueled actions tonight; we just needed to reconnect.

I went to bed that night only slightly more peaceful than I had felt when I entered my room earlier, and I didn't sleep well. On Friday, I spent the whole day reviewing our family's real estate holdings. The market had plunged so deeply that some of them were worth only a fraction of what they had been a year before. Emmett's had been hit particularly hard, but there was a lucrative offer on the table. I made a note to talk to him about it when he got home, even though I knew he would never sell it.

Bella, Alice, and Rosalie were going out to dinner and a movie for a girls' night, so I stayed in with Emmett and Jasper. It was quite relaxing just to drink beer and play pool with them in the basement, without having to worry about anything else—like Bella, the situation with Tanya, or my own stupidity.

I was four beers in when my tongue loosened. "Hey, douches, why didn't you ever tell me that Tanya was so . . . inappropriate with me?" I asked my brothers. I hadn't seen it until the end, but they rarely missed anything.

"Seriously, dude? You didn't notice?" Emmett asked in disbelief as he sunk the two ball.

"Not really?" I made it sound like a question, because I wasn't sure of anything any more. "She's always been flirty, and I just thought she was like that with everyone." I really should stop drinking, I thought to myself. I clearly have no verbal filter. Or sense.

"Can you see Rose letting her feel up Emmett?" Jasper burst out laughing, and we all joined him at the mental image of the cat fight that would ensue. He even punctuated it by pretending his hands were claws and slashing them out into the air.

"I can't believe Bella never said anything to you about it. I know it bothered her," Emmett said. He was clearly the most sober of the three of us. It could have been because he was the size of a mountain man, or that Jasper and I couldn't hold our liquor. Either one.

"Kinda hard when you never fucking talk," I muttered around my swig of beer.

"Wait, what?" Jasper asked in confusion. "Talking is, you know, key to the whole conversation thing."

I rolled my eyes and made a face at him. "Well, shit, Swami! Why didn't you say so? That must have been my problem," I retorted sarcastically, and inadvertently sunk the cue ball in the corner pocket.

"Well, what did you do with her for two years? Stare at her?" Emmett asked in his very blunt way.

I finished my beer in one gulp. "Pretty much," I concluded. "She, apparently, never noticed and I never had the courage to do anything else."

"Okay, wait, wait, wait," Jasper crowed with a little too much laughter in his voice for my taste. "You're telling us that you spent two years married to a girl that you never spoke to? How did we not notice this?"

"We're all dumb shits?" I suggested, the alcohol clearly addling my brain.

"You must be our king, then," Emmett responded dryly. "You dared to go where everyone else has gone before!"

"And that. How did I not know that? I mean, obviously, I knew she wasn't innocent, but damn!" I exclaimed.

"You're an idiot. I thought we already established that," Jasper intoned.

I smacked him on the head and handed over the cue. Emmett had wiped the table, but I was going to blame it on the alcohol.

"Are things better with you and Bella now?" Jasper asked after a few minutes. "Alice has been really worried—about both of you."

"Eh." I shrugged. "We have good days and bad days. I'm pretty much living in the dog house for the rest of my life, and I'm going to die from a serious case of blue balls, but other than that, it's peachy." I swallowed the rest of my beer in one gulp to accentuate my statement.

Emmett laughed. "What the fuck do you expect, bro? She'll miss it eventually and come crawling back. You can go a few weeks without."

I rolled my eyes again, and it became abundantly clear that my verbal filter dissolved in beer. "A few weeks? Fuck it, Emmett. I haven't had sex in over a year, and it's not looking good any time soon."

"Man, I am totally confused." Jasper propped himself up using the pool cue and the table since he was swaying slightly. "You haven't had sex in a year, but Bella didn't find out about Tanya until a few weeks ago. Do you suck that bad? Do we need to give you pointers?"

"I hate you," I told him. "How are we related? I don't need fucking pointers. I've just never . . . had sex with Bella."

The room got so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop, and both of them stared at me as if I had two heads. Well, maybe they were actually seeing two of me, but they did appear a little stunned.

"Dude, that's just . . . that's fucked up," Emmett whispered drunkenly. The two beers he'd slammed between games seemed to have caught up with him.

"You're not . . . gay, are you? I mean, I'll totally still love you if you are, dude, 'cause you're my brother and all, but I think you should tell everyone if that's the case," Jasper rambled.

I just shook my head. "No, Jas, I'm not gay. Just on forced celibacy because I'm a dumb ass."

"But why, dude?" Emmett gasped. "That's against the laws of nature and shit."

"Uh, I married a fifteen year old girl, couldn't have sex with her because that's just all kinds of wrong, and then cheated on her. Now, not surprisingly, she doesn't want to go there. So, my dick stays lonely," I added in a pretend lament, although, it really was a sad state of affairs. I didn't blame her, but it didn't make my yearning for my wife any less.

They both agreed that my life sucked, and changed the conversation to some horses they were trying to sell. I told Emmett about the offer on his land, and he did just what I thought he would. He authorized me to tell them to "go to Hell."

It was long after midnight when I stumbled upstairs, and I was three sheets to the wind. As I passed Bella's door, I wondered if she was home yet, but then decided I didn't want to know. If she wasn't, I would just spend the rest of the night, lying awake and wondering where she was. Instead, I pretended that she was next door like I always did and sank into a deep slumber.

Saturday morning dawned without me. My eyelids registered the light and it made me burrow even further into my covers in an attempt to ward off the inevitable hangover. When I finally surfaced, it was almost noon. Alice was in the kitchen making lunch, and I was unable to sneak some food. I tried really hard not to cringe when I heard her voice, but it was like nails on a chalkboard to my already sensitive ears.

"You'd better take some aspirin, Edward. We're having a movie marathon this afternoon, and I expect you to be there," she ordered. "Be in the rec room at one, or I will come find you."

I heard the threat loud and clear. After washing down a couple of aspirin with a lot of water and taking a shower, I felt a little more presentable and a lot more human. When I walked into the rec room, Jasper and Emmett looked as bad as I felt earlier when, though, and that made me feel marginally better.

Alice had gone all out for us. Mom and Dad were going out on a date, so it was just us, and she allowed each of us to choose one of our favorites. The only rule was that we had to be good sports and watch them all. I randomly picked Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. I didn't really think watching Die Hard was going to be Bella's idea of a fun afternoon.

"Alphabet or age?" Alice called with her head in the movie cabinet.

Everyone shouted out a different answer. Alice stood and looked at us all blankly. "Um, alphabet it is. I go first! Yay!"

Alice popped in her movie, and I leaned into the corner to watch. Bella snuggled up next to me, and I slung my arm over her shoulders, enjoying the easy comfort while I could. She had been a lot more physically affectionate with me since I'd returned from my trip, and while I wondered about it, I wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Alice had chosen The Dark Crystal, an old movie with Muppet like creatures. It was pretty strange, and I watched the really ugly evil guys and the hunch-backed good guys turn back into one alien looking thing. Then, they brought the girl back to life so she could repopulate the world with the other guy. I leaned up and raised my eyebrows at Alice when the credits started playing.

"What was that?" Emmett spoke before I could.

Alice crossed her arms over her chest and stared at us defiantly. "It's one of my favorites from when I was a kid." Clearly, she wasn't inviting discussion on her choice. "Bella's turn!"

Bella wriggled out of my grasp and hopped up to change out the movie. Sweet Home Alabama was her choice. Personally, I thought it was a little odd, considering our situation, but no one else seemed to notice.

After Raiders of the Lost Ark—my choice—and Kill Bill—Emmett's choice—we all took a break to get some food and bring it back into the rec room. It was almost nine o'clock, and we still had two movies to go.

Blazing Saddles lightened the mood. We all laughed along with the inappropriate jokes, and Jasper declared Mel Brooks a comedic genius.

"I swear to God, I have no idea how I managed to share a womb with you," Rosalie said after the fifth or sixth recall of the classic scenes. "It's my turn."

What Lies Beneath could have been one of the freakiest movies I'd ever seen. Bella spent most of the film watching through my shirt, and Emmett screamed like a girl when Meredith's hand came up through the water. Rosalie must have wanted to play the protector all night, because Emmett sure as shit wasn't sleeping after that.

Bella clung to me as we tiptoed upstairs, and she startled at every noise. The wind was whipping around the house and lashing at the windows, and I knew we were in for a rough storm—not good, considering the horror we'd just sat through.

"Do you want me to stay with you tonight?" I asked her seriously when we got to her door.

She shook her head and looked around. "No, I'll be fine. Thanks, though."

I gave her a skeptical look. Bella was about to jump out of her skin. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," she whispered, but even I could hear the doubt in her voice.

I leaned over and kissed her softly. Her mouth yielded to mine, but the rest of her was rigid with tension. Rosalie's idea of a good time definitely wasn't the same as Bella's.

"You know where to find me if you need me," I whispered as I pulled away. I watched her until the door was shut firmly behind her and hurried off to my own room.

I flipped on a few lights and got ready for bed quickly. Mom had always encouraged us to sleep through storms when we were little so we wouldn't be afraid, and now they made me really tired. Outside, I could hear thunder rumbling, and I knew the storm would really set in soon. If we kept power all night, it would be a miracle. Despite that, I left the shower light on, just in case Bella needed me for something. That's what I was telling myself anyway. My bed was safe, and once I crawled in, I was cocooned in its warmth. Nothing could touch me here. I drifted off to sleep quickly, with the percussion of the thunder a backdrop to my dreams.

The room was pitch black when I awoke with a start. I heard something, someone, in my room, and my heart beat faster in fear. I knew that I had left the light on, so it seemed that the bad weather had knocked out the electricity. My ears strained for any sound that might alert me as to who was here.

"Edward?" The tiny whisper came again from somewhere near my study door.

"Bella?" I asked, my voice still hoarse with sleep. "Are you okay?"

"I'm scared," she admitted shyly. "Can I sleep with you?"

Involuntarily, my face split into a grin. While the circumstances weren't ideal, the idea of having her next to me was extremely appealing. "Sure."

The light from the flashes of lightening illuminated the room slightly. I folded back the covers and held my arms open for her. Bella, in a pair of plaid pants and a tank top, darted across the room and jumped into my bed, just as another crash of thunder rang through the house. She nestled into me and buried her head in my shoulder, while I carefully re-covered us both with warmth.

"This is why I don't watch scary movies," she mumbled into my shoulder. "I'm sorry to invade like this."

"I don't mind," I whispered, kissing the top of her head. Truthfully, I was happy that she had run to me for comfort. She wiggled a little next to me to get comfortable, and as soon as she settled down, I fell back asleep, happier than I had been in a long time.

Soft rays of sunlight filtered through my curtains when I woke the next morning. Bella was still curled next to me, and her breathing was soft. I glanced down at her to see if she was awake, and I found her deep chocolate eyes staring at me.

"Good morning," I rumbled, my voice rusty from sleep. "Have you been awake long?"

"Morning," Bella said quietly and shrugged. She was more subdued than usual, and I wondered if it was because of the movie or because she had woken in my bed.

I stretched my arms over my head and quickly moved them back under the covers. "Jesus Christ! It's cold out there!"

Bella laughed a little. "I know. Why do you think I'm still here?"

I raised my eyebrow at her. "I was hoping it was because you like cuddling with me."

She sighed. "I do. It's just that . . . I'm not the first woman to be here and it feels . . . sketchy."

I pulled back slightly to look at her. "Yes, you are. I've never shared this bed with anyone else, Bella."

"But Tanya . . ." She sounded sad and confused.

I remained quiet and still as she gathered her thoughts. At Bella's request, I had avoided this topic so far, but I knew we couldn't do it forever. However, I wasn't looking forward to ruining what could have been a perfectly lovely morning over it.

Bella finally responded by pulling away. "I guess it's time for you to tell me."

I nodded. "Where do you want me to start?" I asked. I wasn't trying to avoid it, but I didn't want to burden her mind with information she didn't want.

"You said that you all were together when you were younger? Start there," she ordered.

I took a deep breath and thought back. "Tanya, Irina, Rose, Jasper, and I all grew up together. The Spencers didn't move away until the girls were teenagers. As I told you before, Tanya needed some looking after. Irina was too busy with her social life to notice her little sister floundering, so it fell to me to take care of her. We told each other all of our secrets and gave each other advice. I didn't have a lot of friends and she listened when I needed her. But we grew up, and as she did, I noticed. I was a teenage boy, and she was cute. Being somewhat awkward, I had no clue what to do with girls.

"Once, when I was about sixteen, we were at their new house and had stayed up late. When I confessed to being nervous around girls, she offered to help. This, she said, was something she knew, and she could return all the favors I had done for her over the years. At her direction, I kissed her. It was wet and sloppy, but she was girl, and it was real, and later, it gave me the courage to ask one of the girls at school to a dance. I called Tanya as soon as Caroline said yes and she celebrated with me.

"A few months later, I inadvertently walked in on her changing into her pajamas—"

"Wait," Bella stopped me, her voice slightly disgusted and incredulous. "Are we seriously going to go over each and every thing you've ever done with her?"

My head fell back, and I closed my eyes. When I reopened them, I looked at her and said, "This is where you asked me to start. I'm not a mind reader, Bella. That's why I asked. If you don't want to know this, then tell me what you want details on, and I'll skip ahead to the end."

"No, go ahead," she mumbled, clearly disgruntled, but acknowledging her request.

"Any way, her boobs were hanging out. They were just there, and I asked her if I could feel them. She showed me what she liked. She wanted to know what a penis looked like once, so I showed her. And that's how it was for a couple of years. We occasionally experimented with each other, no strings attached."

"Was she your first?" Bella whispered. Her eyes were bright with tears, but she was keeping her distance, and I tried to respect it.

"No. I was nineteen and dating a girl named Danielle Sutton. We were in college, and it seemed like the thing to do. Since I was still a virgin, it wasn't a fantastic experience for either of us. Two weeks later, Danielle dumped me for some guy on the basketball team and told me I was a lousy lay, among other things."

Bella gasped. "She didn't! That's just mean."

"Oh, she did. And in front of my roommate, too. I went to see Tanya that weekend, disgusted with myself. She was really my closest friend, other than Jasper, and I didn't want to admit to him that his older brother was a failure. Tanya commiserated with me and reminded me that it would get better. When I went back to school, I felt better about myself. I didn't jump right back into the dating scene, but I didn't want to hide my face in a paper bag like Danielle had suggested."

"Did you have sex with Tanya that weekend?" Bella asked curiously, but clearly displaying the hope that I hadn't.

"No. We were just friends. She was dating some guy named Embry, and they were pretty serious. I wasn't ready to jump back into the sack anyway. After that, though, I concentrated more on my studies and less on my social life. I saw a couple of girls, but those relationships weren't overly serious. It wasn't until my twenty-first birthday that anything changed. Tanya had a fake ID and came up to party with me. The guys from school and their girlfriends, took us out to all the local bars, and I got completely hammered. Tanya helped me back up to my room, and I insisted that she stay the night because we were both drunk, even though I only had a twin bed. Sometime in the middle of the night, I woke up to her . . . uh, playing with me. She suggested that we continue our lessons and that I learn how to fuck."

I stopped and took a breath. I didn't know why Bella would want to hear this. I certainly didn't want to hear about her and another man, so I tried to gloss over it as best I could. "So, we did. It was a little awkward between us after that, but we decided a few months later to act like it had never happened, and things got better. She called me when some guy called Alec broke her heart, and I fell back into my role as her friend pretty easily. We would talk or get together to catch up every few months."

"If you were such good friends, why didn't you want to marry her?" Bella asked with a hint of derision.

"Tanya and I are very different people, and we value different things." Bella muttered something under her breath that I wasn't meant to hear, and I let it go. "She wanted the finer things in life and didn't care about her education. Other than social things, we didn't have a lot to talk about. She's kind of an airhead. She's pretty, but not overly attractive to me. I wanted more than just a semi-attractive face. We just weren't, and aren't, a good match."

"So, then what happened?" Bella prompted.

"Then, we got married. I've already told you how I struggled with that. Tanya happened to call one day when I was feeling particularly low. I had considered going to your father to see if there was a way around the property clause to allow you to keep it and let you out of the marriage. I didn't think it was fair for you to miss out on all the typical teenage things, and I couldn't give you those. She knew something was bothering me, and I asked for her advice."

Bella's tone was scathing. "Did she tell you to throw it all away for her?"

I chuckled. "No, she told me to talk to you. That she was sure I could find a way to word it so that your feelings wouldn't be hurt. And I tried, Bella. I really did. But how many ways can you say 'you're too young,' without coming off sounding like an asshole? Anyway, they came up for Thanksgiving that year, your first one here, and Alice started decorating the house for Christmas as soon as the leftovers were put away. Do you remember that?"

She laughed. "I do. I kept tripping over strings of lights, and she would just hand me another box of bows or ornaments and tell me where to go."

"That sounds about right. She strategically placed mistletoe, too. I was leaning against the doorframe watching you and Rose argue about putting on that ugly silver garland on the tree when she stood in front of me and kissed me. She caught me by surprise, and it took me a couple of seconds to realize what she'd done. I leaned away from her and glared, but she just laughed and pointed at the sprig over my head. It still didn't sit right with me, because it had lingered too long, and I avoided her for the rest of the trip. It made me feel dirty somehow, like I had betrayed you, even though it was innocent."

"Are you counting that kiss in the 'handful of incidents' you claimed?" she asked in disbelief.

I nodded. "I do, because I should have done more to dissuade her. I could have let her know it was inappropriate, but I didn't. If I had, maybe the rest wouldn't have happened."

She frowned. "Okay. Tell me the rest."

"All right. Do you remember my twenty-fourth birthday?"

She wrinkled her nose. "I think so."

"We had a dinner party, then you and Alice went to her mom's house for the night," I reminded her.

"Oh yeah," she said with a hint of distaste. "She made me do the typical sleep-over stuff, like paint my nails and watch John Hughes' movies."

I laughed lightly at her expression. "Alice has quite an affinity for John Hughes, although I have no idea why. While you all were watching Pretty In Pink, Jasper and Emmett were getting me drunk. We all went down to the basement, played video games, and drank. A lot. Rose and Tanya joined us and cheered us on while Emmett kicked my ass on Halo. Jasper left around midnight to call Alice, and Rose and Emmett were pawing each other, so I sent them up to bed. Tanya took over Emmett's character, and we didn't stop until we'd killed each other. Admittedly, it didn't take long. Before I really knew what was happening, Tanya was in my lap, kissing me. I tried to push her away, but she kept going, and I was too drunk. I remember her opening my jeans and rolling a condom on me."

I stopped and shut my eyes again. I didn't want to relive this, and I didn't want to see the pain on Bella's face. I ran my hands down my face and concentrated on each breath. Bella's was stuttering and shallow; she was crying. This had to end, though, and I had to tell her the whole truth.

"After we were done," I choked out with my eyes still firmly shut, "I told her that it never should have happened, that I was married, and I didn't want her that way. She tried to tell me that it was okay, because it didn't mean anything, and that no one ever had to know. But I knew, and it ate at me. I had let it happen."

I opened my eyes again and reached a tentative hand out to her. I used my thumb to brush the tears off her cheek. To my surprise, Bella didn't flinch away.

"And when it happened again?" she asked through the lump in her throat. I could barely make out her words.

"It never happened again," I said firmly. "The only other intimate contact that we had was the . . . oral sex . . . that you already know about."

"And that? How could you have let that happen?" she cried.

Her sadness tore at my heart, and I yanked her to me. She was very stiff in my arms, but I refused to let go. She pounded her small fists into my chest and I took each blow. If it made her feel better, she could beat on me all day in retribution and I would deserve each and every bruise for bruising her heart.

"There is no excuse, Bella. Nothing is good enough, and it wouldn't matter anyway. It was wrong," I said earnestly. "I swear I never set out to betray you, or our marriage. The only thing I can do is beg for your forgiveness and spend forever making it up to you."

"What if I can't give that to you?" she cried into my chest.

"I'll never stop trying," I promised. I let her continue to cry as I held her and rubbed soothing circles on her back. Long minutes passed as the tears soaked my shirt.

When her breathing evened out, I ran my hand over her hair and cradled her head against me. Her voice was muffled, but I could understand every word.

"When we were talking about those college experiences the other night, well, what if I want those?"

A blade lanced through my heart, and I stopped breathing. It was exactly what I was afraid of. Because I had broken my own vows, I wasn't sure that I had the right to hold her to hers. Did I want our marriage to devolve into that? Separate lives? We might as well get a divorce.

I took several deep breaths before I answered. "I suppose that is a decision you have to make. Will it make you feel better to . . . sow your oats while I wait at home? It would be eye-for-an-eye retribution, I suppose."

"But two wrongs don't make a right," she whispered sagely.

"No, they don't. But Bella, if that is what you really want, I will let you go. It might kill me to do it, but I want you to be happy, and I've done a miserable job of making you that way. I have no idea why I thought the distance was necessary in hindsight and why we didn't cross it sooner. But maybe now it's too late?"

"No, it's not too late. I just hate feeling like this, feeling like I'll always be second best. It's hard for me to imagine that you wanted me when you never even spoke to me," she admitted.

My hands rubbed down her silky hair as I struggled to center my thoughts. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Um, sure?" Her tone told me that she thought this was a stupid question.

"Were you happy with the way things were between us?" I asked.

She sat up slightly and gave me a questioningly look. "What?"

"Were you happy?" I repeated.

She shrugged. "I guess so. I was happy enough. I had a friend in Alice and a sister in Rose. Jasper and Emmett were the big brothers I'd never had, and I went from being the caretaker to being part of a family. Why do you ask?"

I wanted to word this carefully, because I didn't want her to feel like I was blaming her. The distance I put between us was completely my fault. "Why didn't you ever try to talk to me?"

The moment my question registered was evident. Her face went from confused to shocked to contemplative. I waited as patiently as I could for her to answer. "I don't know. I guess I didn't think you wanted me to. And then I got used to it being that way, and I didn't think you wanted me around."

"Do you know how much we suck at this?" I chuckled. "I didn't think you wanted me around, either. You always seemed to have settled in so happily that I thought my presence would upset that. Especially when it was so difficult for me to be around you."

She laughed slightly, and her face turned much more serious. "How do we move on from here?"

"One day at a time?" I answered, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

Bella nodded and laid her head back on my chest. She was fiddling with my T-shirt when she started chuckling. "You know, I'm really glad you were never with her here. I would've hated to have to burn this really comfortable bed."

I laughed. "It is a good bed, isn't it?"

"At least it's warm right now. What happened to the heat?" she asked, clearly trying to change the subject and lighten the mood. I let it pass because I figured she needed some space.

I groaned. "Dad put in an electric heat pump a few years ago in an attempt to be more 'green,' but he took out the gas back-up furnace. The power went off last night, and I guess it hasn't restarted. I don't think anyone's going to be looking for us, though, so we can stay here where it's warm."

"Hmm. That would be warmer, but I'm hungry," she said sadly. "I don't think you have food stashed in your bedside drawers." She reached over as if to check, and I grabbed her wrist quickly.

She twisted around to look at me with a strange look on her face. "What don't you want me to see, Edward?" Her tone was half-teasing, half-threatening.

"Nothing. I just—" I didn't think she would appreciate what she was about to find.

"No more secrets?" she said, and the warning was clear.

I let go of her hand and gestured for her to look. I leaned back against my pillow and closed my eyes while I listened to her open the drawer in my bedside table.

Bella giggled a little, and then a little more. "Edward, what is this?" she laughed. "Where did you get this picture?"

I was glad she was finding humor in my humiliation, but I pulled it together to give as good as I was getting, even though my face was burning.

"Well, Bella, that bottle is lubrication and that one is lotion. I took that picture one day about a year ago when you weren't looking. It's my favorite," I confessed.

"What do you? I mean, why do have . . ." She trailed off as realization dawned. "Do you . . . um, use this stuff a lot?" she asked shyly.

My face turned as red as hers usually did when she was embarrassed, and I just shook my head. I didn't really want to discuss my masturbation habits with Bella. I cracked my eye and saw her laying there, grinning and looking unrepentant, so I rose up and quickly covered her body with mine. I pressed her into the mattress and lowered my face to hers, skimming my nose along her jaw.

"I use it as often as you entice me, so, yeah, I use it a lot," I whispered, embarrassed.

Bella groaned, and her hips flexed into mine. I was going to have to be careful not to let things go too far. After everything we'd talked about, we didn't need that.

"Do you think about me when you touch yourself?" she whispered into my ear while her hands caressed my back.

It was my turn to groan, and I dropped my head to her shoulder. I kissed the juncture of her shoulder and neck, thinking about how I should answer. "Every time," I whispered into her skin. "There's only you, Bella."

I pulled back to look in her face, and I repeated myself so that she could see my sincerity. "There's only you."

She tugged me down to her and pressed her lips against mine. Then, her stomach rumbled loudly, and we broke apart with a laugh.

"I guess it's time to brave the cold and feed you, huh?" I chuckled. I lifted myself off of her and lay down next to her. I wasn't quite ready to move yet.

Bella nodded, kissed me, and wriggled out from under the sheets. She yelped and ran frantically back to her room. With a sigh, I got up and hastily dressed myself in a thermal shirt and running pants. It couldn't have been more than fifty-five degrees in the house. Brunch was going to be fun.

So, now you all know all. Give Bella a break, she needed a slight respite from the heaviness, before she delves back into it next time. First round voting for the Avant Garde awards is still going. Please go vote if you haven't already. There are some great stories there that would love your support. The link is on my profile and on the forum, somewhere. I'm sure I don't have to say it, but I would love it if you would hit that little button and tell me what you think.