Author's note: OMG I'M FINALLY BACK. You might want to read the chapter before this one before you read this, because if you were following me closely before my disappearance off the face of the earth, you probably read that chapter several months ago. There are references in this chapter to other chapters (mostly chapter 11 though) so read/skim through chap. 11 okay? Explanations and begging for forgiveness is at the end.
"How about Golden Temptress?"
"How about not."
"Okay, does Passion's Treasure sound good?"
"No."
"What about…" Lovino, who apparently couldn't keep saying the book titles with a straight face anymore, began to snicker, "…Awaken My Fire?"
"Oh hell no," Gilbert sighed, laying back down on his bed. "Don't you have any decent books?"
"Just give up already," Lovino said, rolling his eyes. "We could be playing hangman right now…"
"I'm not playing anymore hangman. Haven't you run out of inappropriate phrases yet?" Gilbert said. An hour's worth of that game had been enough. "You have at least one that's not so terribly…uh…"
"Cheesy and absolutely fucking stupid?" Lovino finished. "Nope."
"Oh come on…"
"I asked for Hemingway once but nooo…" Lovino complained. "They were all like: 'Lovi, I don't think those are good books to be reading right now!'"
"Cool story, bro," Gilbert sighed, only to be ignored by his ranting roommate.
"'There's too much graphic violence!'" Lovino continued, mimicking the mysterious "they" in a high-pitched, whiny voice. "'It's for the best, Lovi, we swear!'"
Thunk! The door loudly fell closed. Judging from Antonio's face, he had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear the tail end of Lovino's rant.
"Wow, uh… Didn't even hear you knock…" Gilbert mumbled, coughing nervously. Hopefully, he wouldn't have to witness another awkward lover's quarrel. Of course he could always go hide in the bathroom again, but that might be a little too suspicious.
"It's lunch time," Antonio said blankly.
"So…are we going to the cafeteria?" Gilbert asked slowly.
"No, dipshit. We're in timeout, remember?" Lovino grumbled.
"We brought you your meal," Antonio explained as a nurse brought in two trays of food. She placed them on the bedside table before going back to the doorway to retrieve two folding tables. Gilbert wondered briefly why Antonio wasn't helping her, but then realized that said orderly was trying to have a silent conversation with his roommate at the moment. Lovino, on the other hand, was pointedly looking away.
The nurse finished setting up the trays on the tables. With a nod to Antonio, she left the room, promising to be back soon to collect the trays and dishes.
The two roommates ate in silence for several minutes. After awhile, Gilbert just started rolling random bits of food around on his plate. Macaroni salad had never been so interesting…
"Lovi…" Antonio finally mumbled, not moving from his place by the door.
"What?" Lovino grumbled, picking at his food. "I'm going to eat it, don't worry."
"No that wasn't what…" Antonio started to speak, but suddenly stopped, watching sullenly as Lovino continued to look away from him. "Nothing," he sighed.
"Good," Lovino snapped.
"I'll be back when it's time for you to see Dr. Edelstein," Antonio said quietly, quickly vacating the room.
The quiet click of the door was followed by several minutes of silence until…
"Fuck!" Lovino suddenly yelled, grabbing the nearest portable object and chucking it across the room.
Gilbert ducked to dodge the flying projectile—which happened to be one of Lovino's crappy novels—and through his arms over his head protectively. There was no way he was going to get another black eye in this place.
"Hey! Watch it!" he growled.
"Fuck you!" Lovino yelled, looking as if he was going to throw something else any minute. Thankfully, he refrained from any further destructive activity. "Why does he have to be such an idiot!" he said out loud. "Stupid fucking tomato bastard…"
"Um…" Gilbert mumbled, not sure of what to say. He was still expecting another object to come flying at his head.
"Sorry…did I hurt you?" Lovino answered quickly, worry and anxiety lacing his voice. Gilbert recognized the tone from the conversation they had only a couple hours ago.
"Just scared the crap out of me, that's all," he said, shrugging to appear nonchalant. He didn't want his roommate to start crying again.
"Are you sure. I'm sorry…really…" Lovino pressed on. "I'm always fucking stuff up…and I could've broken your nose and…."
"Dude, a psycho Dane already tried to do that and failed, I doubt that you would have the strength to take down this nose of awesome," Gilbert boasted. Hopefully, his roommate wouldn't take it as a challenge and throw another book.
"Yeah I guess…" Lovino mumbled.
"Look on the bright side," Gilbert joked. "You could be having a lovers' quarrel with someone like Mikkel!"
"I was not having a lovers' quarrel!" Lovino growled. "Antonio and I are not lovers!"
"Sure."
"We are NOT."
"Okay, okay," Gilbert conceded. "Look at the bright side: you could be having a lovers' quarrel with Francis." Even with the threat of physical harm, teasing his roommate was too hard to give up.
"We are NOT LOVERS!" Lovino screeched, the joke obviously lost on him. To Gilbert's relief, Lovino seemed to have recovered his usual, easily irritated attitude instead of his previous, book-throwing state.
"Sorry, you're just too funny not to bug," he said in mock apology. "But I guess it could be worse. At least you're stuck here with me and not Francis."
"This isn't much better," Lovino grumbled, lying slightly down on his bed. "Now why don't you put a sock in it? I'm going to take a nap."
"What am I supposed to do while you do that?" Gilbert moaned. "It's boring here!" He didn't really feel like being left alone in the room at the moment—even though his roommate was still going to be there, albeit asleep.
"I don't know, read the book that almost hit your empty head. I don't care," Lovino said, rolling over to ignore Gilbert.
"Fine then," Gilbert mumbled, gingerly picking up the literary atrocity.
Sometime after Lovino had fallen asleep, a nurse entered the room after quietly knocking on the door. She quickly began to remove Gilbert's lunch dishes while humming a cheery tune that dripped with sugary sweetness.
"How are you doing, Hun?" she asked, turning towards Gilbert so he could behold her mauve scrubs in all their glory.
"Kinda shitty," he mumbled.
"Oh, Sugar, are we having a bad day?" she said sympathetically. "Be sure to watch that mouth of yours though!" she added, her voice going a bit higher as if trying to be cute.
Gilbert sighed loudly; her demeanor was making him slightly nauseous. He definitely didn't like being called Sugar.
"I guess…" he said quietly. If you call epically failing at helping someone, getting in trouble and listening to your moody roommate fight with his wannabe lover simply 'bad'.
"What'cha readin'?" she inquired, obviously trying to get some kind of conversation out of him.
"Um…" Gilbert tried to answer, turning the book so he could actually read the cover. "Defiant Angel, apparently…"
"Ooh, that's a good one, isn't it?"
"No. It sucks," he answered bluntly.
"Aren't we a little grumpy?" she said, chuckling a little.
"I'm stuck in my room with a book called Defiant Angel as my only entertainment," Gilbert finally snapped.
"Let's use our inside voices," the nurse said, now with a bit of force. "We don't want to wake your roommate, now do we?"
Gilbert just stared at her for a few moments. She didn't look at happy or cheerful as she did when she entered the room. Great, now she's pissed at me too, he thought.
"Yeah sure," he finally mumbled.
"That's better," she said, smiling a little. She finished her the last of her clean up duties and began to leave the room. "Just try to make the best of your situation, okay?"
"You me this 'stuck in my room with only shitty literature' or…" he started to ask, but was only met with the soft click of the door. Or my life at the moment…?
"Fuck," he grumbled, picking up his book once more. "Fuck."
"Gilbert…"
"…"
"Gilbert?"
"…"
"Gilbert!"
"What?" Gilbert yelled, sitting up straight in bed. Defiant Angel slid down off his face and into his lap, landing with a semi-painful thump. "Oof!" he groaned.
"It's time for your meeting with Dr. Edelstein," Antonio explained. Gilbert quickly realized the orderly was not only kneeling next to his bed, but was also way too close to his face. Also, he had apparently fallen asleep while trying to schlep through the horrendously flowery word choice that he was forced to use as entertainment.
"Okay, okay," he grumbled. "Now, can you give me some room?"
"Sure," Antonio chirped, backing away and standing up from his crouched position.
"Can't Lovino go first?" Gilbert groaned, still trying to shake off the sleepy post-nap feeling he was experiencing.
"Lovino usually meets with Dr. Edelstein in the mornings, so he had to be rescheduled," Antonio explained. "The only open slot was after your usual time, which is now, by the way, so don't dawdle too much!"
"Do you see me 'dawdling'?" Gilbert snapped, throwing himself out of bed. Unfortunately, the violent movement caused him to lurch forward unexpectedly. "Shit! Fuck!" he swore loudly as he attempted to regain his balance by whirling his arms, almost hitting Antonio in the face as he did so.
"Whoa, careful there, buddy," Antonio said, reaching out to stead him.
"I'm fine," Gilbert grumbled, flinching away. He didn't really feel like being touched by anyone. Hell, he didn't even really want to interact with anyone. After all, today was just another example of how he was a failure and so far, every human encounter he had was serving as another reminder of that fact. He had even made Lovino cry earlier for fuck's sakes!
"Are you sure you're okay?" Antonio asked. He looked like he was ready to jump to Gilbert's side at any moment. Probably wanted to lead him by the elbow again too. Figures.
"What did I just say?" Gilbert responded.
"Are you okay?" Antonio asked again, with more force. Of course, with all his experience with Lovino, he probably was the master of not taking bullshit from patients.
"Do I still have to talk to Roddy?" Gilbert asked, too much in a bad mood to spare anyone's feelings.
"Of course."
"Then no, I am not okay," he finished.
"Gilbert, are you going to cooperate with me or not?" Antonio asked in a no-nonsense tone, all smiles gone. Gilbert could see that the distance between them was getting steadily smaller.
"I'll go talk to Roddy," he huffed. "But I don't want to and I'm not going to like it," he added as a final touch of defiance. He couldn't be (all the way) defeated!
"Well, let's go then," Antonio said quietly, gesturing to Gilbert to walk ahead of him out the door. Gilbert did what he was told, shuffling along while muttering defiant phrases under his breath.
It seemed like the walk to Roddy's office spread on for miles and miles. Gilbert eventually fell behind Antonio, purposely dragging in order to delay the inevitable. He sighed loudly: an effort meant to break the silence just as much as it was meant to show how much he wasn't enjoying himself.
"Don't be too upset, Gilbert," Antonio said, looking slightly behind him. His voice was more sympathetic than the earlier stern tone. "I'm sure Dr. Edelstein won't be too hard on you," he said with a hint of humor. Gilbert didn't respond, still too focused on sulking.
"I'm just joking, Buddy," Antonio hastily corrected. "You know, no one here is mad at you…" His steps faltered a little and he began to slow down, obviously contemplating whether or not to attempt to have a 'deep' conversation.
"I know," Gilbert growled. "Just disappointed."
"Hmm, you got it, I guess," Antonio said, a bit quietly. He continued walking, apparently finally getting the gist that Gilbert did not want to talk. Gilbert, however was still wondering how Antonio had missed that in the first place. The orderly must have some stubborn urge to help people. Either that or he was just oblivious.
After another eternity of awkward silence, the pair finally arrived at the psychiatrists' offices.
As soon as he walked into the waiting area, Gilbert found himself more uncomfortable than ever. He had been dreading this meeting since the morning. After all that had happened the night before, the last thing he wanted to do was talk about his failure and how much he was a disappointment with someone. Especially with Roddy. He stopped in his tracks as soon as he crossed the threshold of the doorway, suddenly contemplating the pros and cons of trying to make a run for it.
"Why can't I talk to Roderich instead?" an angry voice suddenly broke Gilbert's train of thought. Standing in front of him was an agitated looking Elizabeta. Next to her was a slightly frazzled Dr. Tino.
"Because I am your doctor, Elizabeta," he said in a surprisingly firm voice. Gilbert had no idea that the little doctor even had a stern bone in his body.
"No," Elizabeta growled. "Roderich is. I want to see him."
"Come on, now," Tino replied. "We've been through this before…" Elizabeta only crossed her arms over her chest to emphasize her resistance.
"I might have some salmiakki in my desk if you…"
"Ew, no!" Elizabeta quickly responded. Gilbert wasn't sure if she seriously disliked the mysterious food (he assumed it was a food) or if her reaction was purely an effort to be disagreeable.
"Elizabeta…" Tino warned, his tone darkening slightly. "I think we should go talk about this in my office."
"I told you," Elizabeta growled. "I don't want to talk with you, I want Roderich." With that, she turned around in a huff, seemingly going for the exit. Upon doing so, however, she came face to face with Gilbert, who suddenly felt very, very awkward. And a little scared. No, scratch that. He wasn't scared. Not of Elizabeta. No way.
"Um, hi?" he said, as if asking a question. He hated how his voice somehow managed to wobble during that short phrase. Because he was not scared at all. No, not at all.
"Oh hi, Gilly!" Elizabeta chirped, a smile spreading on her face. The sinister grin reminded Gilbert of their first meeting. "Wanna trade?" she asked.
"What?" Gilbert asked, confused again at her behavior.
"Let's trade doctors, 'kay?" Elizabeta said, smiling even more.
"Sure," Gilbert conceded, not in the mood to fight about it. He didn't really want to talk to his doctor at the moment and Tino looked like he was more agreeable than Roderich anyway. Maybe that salmiakki was worth trying too…
"Absolutely not, Elizabeta," Dr. Tino said from behind them.
"But he said I could!" Elizabeta growled, whirling around to face her doctor. Her posture instantly became aggressive once more. "Don't come in between me and…" Suddenly, her whole demeanor changed once again. "Roderich!"
Said doctor, who had apparently just come out of his office, stood unfazed by the scene, perfectly poised as usual.
"Gilbert, it's time for your appointment isn't it?" he simply said, ignoring Elizabeta completely.
"No! We traded! You're with me now!" Elizabeta yelled.
"I'm afraid it doesn't work that way, Elizabeta," Roderich said quietly. "Now, Gilbert…"
"It's not fair!" Elizabeta said through clenched teeth. She was obviously holding in her rage, trying to appear well-behaved in front of the object of her obsession.
"Come on, Elizabeta, let's go," Tino instructed quietly, his voice back to the soft sugary sweet tone. When his patient declined to respond, however, he added, "Or do we need Berwald to help you?"
Gilbert almost jumped when said orderly just about appeared out of the woodwork. Despite the fact that he was not scared of anyone. Not even big, hulking, eerily silent, angry faced…
"Gilbert?" Roderich asked again. "Are you ready for your session?" Gilbert was suddenly aware that he was on his way to earning his own special orderly escort.
"Er, I guess…" he mumbled, moving forward towards his doctor.
"Wait no!" Elizabeta cried. "You said I could!"
"That wasn't his decision," Tino reprimanded, emphasizing his statement by giving Gilbert a look.
"…sorry…" Gilbert mumbled as passed through Roderich's office door, disregarding the fact that Tino probably couldn't hear him.
"Take a seat, please," Roderich said, shutting the door behind Gilbert. He gestured towards the usual chair in front of his desk as he did so. As if Gilbert had forgotten where to sit.
"Fine," Gilbert grumbled, slumping in his chair.
"How are you doing, Gilbert?" Roderich asked as he sat in his own chair.
"Bad," Gilbert mumbled.
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, you're not," Gilbert snapped.
"Gilbert, you know that's not true," Roderich said quickly.
"No, I don't! I did something wrong and you're…" Gilbert tried to explain, unaware that his voice was getting steadily louder.
"I'm what?" Roderich prompted.
"You're mad at me!" Gilbert yelled.
"No, I'm not angry with you, I'm…"
"Just 'disappointed'?" Gilbert finished for him. "You think I don't know what 'disappointed' means? You think Ludwig hasn't ever told me that he's 'disappointed'? You're not disappointed, he's not disappointed, no body's disappointed! I do bad things! I fuck up! You're pissed! People aren't 'disappointed' in you unless you're so fucked up and crazy that they think they can't tell you that their mad!"
"'Disappointed'," he hissed, leaning forward to slam his hands on Roderich's desk, "Is therapist speech for pissed as hell. Don't baby me!"
Roderich was silent for several moments.
"What I was going to say," he finally said, "Is that: while I'm not angry at you, your actions are the problem. You are not bad, Gilbert, but your behavior was."
"Whatever," Gilbert grumbled slouching back down. He didn't really see that big of a difference.
"Did you think over what happened last night?" Roderich asked quietly.
"You mean when I was in time out?"
"I suppose so, if you want to call it that," Roderich sighed. "But, when you were there, did you think about last night? How do you feel about your behavior in hindsight?"
"That it was fucking stupid," Gilbert grumbled.
"And why do you think that?" his doctor asked, apparently ignoring Gilbert's foul language for once.
"Because it didn't work and it just made things worse."
"Gilbert, I know you were only trying to help Alfred," Roderich said, looking sympathetic.
"That doesn't mean much, doc," Gilbert said darkly.
"Looking back, do you think it would have been better to go about solving the problem differently?"
"Maybe," Gilbert mumbled.
"What would you have done differently?"
"Not what I did."
"Would you have maybe comforted Alfred by offering a shoulder to cry on or trying to speak with him?" Roderich asked.
"I guess so, that's what a normal person would have done, wouldn't it?"
"You can't compare yourself to an ideal of a 'normal person' like that, Gilbert. This is the time for self reflection," Roderich explained. "You have to think about yourself and what you did and what you think would be a better option. Don't hold yourself to a made-up standard."
"It's not made-up! I'm talking about normal, sane people! Not people who are locked up in the Looney Bin playing Saving Private Ryan!" Gilbert yelled. He probably didn't have much time before Antonio would start knocking on the door from all the noise. "What would you have done in that situation, Roddy? Huh?"
"Everyone makes mistakes, Gilbert," Roderich said. "Even people who you would call 'normal'. Even when you have the best intentions, things don't always work out the way you hoped."
"Nobody fucks up as bad as this though!" Gilbert yelled, suddenly feeling like he was about to cry. Nothing about this conversation was making him feel better, only worse. He wasn't like everyone else who makes mistakes sometimes, he was always fucking up. How could Roddy understand?
"Well, you could be telling your ex-wife that you can't help her anymore because it's only making it worse," Roderich stated off-handily.
"Yeah, like that happened to anyone," Gilbert growled.
"Hmm, yes," Roderich said, clearly his throat rather loudly. "But what I'm saying is, sometimes things happen and—"
"Shit happens I know that!" Gilbert found himself yelling again. "But why is it always me who messes up? Sure, 'everyone does' and all that bullshit. But it happens to me ALL THE TIME!"
"Why do you think that is?" Roderich asked.
"I don't know," Gilbert hissed. "Maybe because I'm a whack-job?"
"Please don't refer to yourself in such a way, Gilbert," Roderich said quietly. "Let's think, why did you choose to help Alfred in the way you did?"
"I didn't help him, I made it worse," Gilbert grumbled.
"What I mean is," Roderich clarified, "Why did breaking hospital rules sound better to you than any other way to help?"
"I don't know," Gilbert grumbled. "I didn't think about any other options at the time. No one seemed to."
"So, you're saying that you didn't think before you acted in this situation?" Roderich asked.
"No, I guess not," Gilbert said quietly.
"Do you find that this happens often?" his doctor pressed further.
"Maybe," Gilbert mumbled. "I kinda just do stuff and then regret it later."
"What kind of 'stuff' are you referring to, Gilbert?" Roderich asked.
Gilbert sighed loudly as he thought about the answer to that question. "Uh…lots of different stuff…"
"Yes…" Roderich nodded, looking eagerly at him to continue.
"Er, sometimes I'll get tired with the job I'm at and just quit—if I'm not fired first, that is," Gilbert mumbled, suddenly feeling ashamed. "And I dropped out of school just because I felt like it."
"Do you usually make big decisions like that on a whim?" Roderich asked. "Do ever think about the potential consequences?"
"No, not usually," Gilbert mumbled, surprised that his doctor was getting him to talk. He didn't understand how discussing his multitude of bad choices was helping anything. Regardless, he continued to try to explain, "It's like I'll be doing something, and in the time it takes me to sneeze I'll become bored of it or think there's something better to do." He sighed again, "And it's not always big stuff either. Kind of like what happened yesterday, I just do crazy shit that I think will make things better, even though they always make things worse."
"Care to elaborate?" Roderich asked, probably wondering what 'crazy shit' Gilbert was referring to but not knowing how to phrase it in a proper manner.
Gilbert said nothing for several moments, wondering if he should even tell his doctor.
"We don't have to talk about anything you aren't comfortable with, Gilbert," Roderich added, apparently taking his patient's silence as a sign of not wanting to talk.
"You're stuffy and annoyingly proper!" Gilbert blurted out.
"Excuse me?" Roderich asked, looking a bit confused.
"But I still don't want you to think…" Gilbert continued nervously, trailing off in silence once more.
"Regardless of what we speak about here, I won't think any less of you," Roderich said softly. "Whatever mistakes you have made, you are a good person, Gilbert, I assure you."
"Okay," Gilbert sighed, though the doctor's words did little to assure him as far as his status as a human, they did ready him somehow to continue forward in the discussion.
"Okay?" Roderich echoed.
"The stuff I usually do always seem like good ideas," Gilbert muttered, feeling kind of stupid for buying into his own ridiculous escapades. "Like, 'let's get drunk tonight,' or, 'I'm going to try this illegal substance' and 'they look like a good enough lay'. I just kind of do those kinds of things without thinking about it." His volume trailed off at the end as he felt more uncomfortable admitting his past behavior. He had never told anyone the full extent of his antics. Not even West knew everything.
"Do you think these activities will improve anything?" Roderich asked quietly. Gilbert thought about the question for a couple moments.
"Yes, wait-no…I…I don't know, but I guess I'm always trying to fix something," he finally said slowly. "It doesn't even have to be a real problem. Like, yesterday I was trying to help Alfred so I did something bad, but usually I try to make myself feel better when everything feels er…wrong…and then I do something bad."
"So you know that what you're doing is destructive behavior, but you believe that it will help somehow?" Roderich clarified. "You think that these activities will alleviate unwanted emotions?"
"Yeah, and it's almost because…I don't know…" Gilbert tried to explain, but trailed off.
"What is it, Gilbert?" Roderich asked, looking hopeful again.
"That I like doing things that are 'destructive' because they're, you know, bad. It's the thrill, you know?" Gilbert said guiltily.
"That makes sense," Roderich said softly, nodding a bit. "But you realize that these kinds of activities are dangerous. It's a wonder how you have gotten off scot-free as long as you have."
"Yeah…" Gilbert mumbled, hanging his head. "I just don't know why I do stuff that's so stupid. All I do is fuck stuff up for other people."
"It does seem that your impulsive behavior—both in making long term decisions on a whim and engaging in dangerous activities without thinking—has been causing problems," Roderich stated. "But not only for other people, but yourself. Every one of your actions that we discussed today ended up hurting you."
"That doesn't matter as much as other people," Gilbert said quietly. "I should be able to live with the consequences of the stupid shit I do."
"No, it matters just the same," Roderich corrected. "You are suffering from your own actions, yes, but you are also suffering from a disorder. Your behavior needs to change, but that doesn't mean you are in any way a bad person. I can't stress that enough."
"Whatever, Doc," Gilbert sighed, not really believing him.
"Alright Gilbert…." Roderich said in a quiet sigh that indicated the session was over. "We'll talk about this again. I think we should work on strategies for making good decisions."
"Sure," Gilbert grunted. The session didn't seem to go anywhere, and he kind of felt his doctor was giving up on him.
"In the meantime, continue to think about your actions last night and how you felt when your plans didn't work. Next time you feel like breaking rules, try to remember how you feel now."
"Shitty…" Gilbert whispered, almost to himself.
"But please know that you are not in trouble, and you are now free to leave your room if you wish," Roderich added. "You made a mistake in judgment, and I forgive you for that."
"Okay, thanks Doc," Gilbert said, still rather quiet. "Er, but Roddy?"
"Yes Gilbert?"
"You didn't call and tell West about this did you?" I'm in such deep shit if you did…
"Stupid, pansy-ass, stuck up, stick-his-ass, pompous, piece of shit…"
Gilbert looked up from Defiant Angel as he heard the loud muttering in the doorway of his room.
"How was your meeting, Lovi?" he asked nonchalantly, pretending he had actually read more than a sentence of the book while his roommate was at his appointment.
"Fuck. You."
"That fun huh?"
"Oh yeah, I love being talked to about my 'lack of willingness to cooperate'," Lovino snapped, falling onto his bed. "And with that stupid…tomato bastard…Right outside too. Stupid, fucking, dick-sucking…"
"What was that?" Gilbert asked, questioning the last adjective.
"Why aren't you in the common room or something?" Lovino snapped.
"Don't feel like it," Gilbert answered moodily.
"What, are you afraid of Arthur, the mother hen from hell?" Lovino asked. "He's a pussy, Gilbert. A pussy."
"Why did you come back to the room?" Gilbert asked, trying to shift the conversation.
"Wouldn't you like to know?" Lovino yelled.
"Er, checks?" a voice called from the doorway.
"For fuck's sakes, really?" Lovino screeched when he turned to look at the newly arrived Antonio.
"Is everything alright in here?" Antonio asked.
"Yes!" Lovino said loudly before Gilbert could reply with any other answer.
"Well, um, Dora's on, if you want to watch…" Antonio said quietly. Gilbert was staring to get sick of melancholy Antonio. Who would have known that he would ever miss that obnoxious smiling face?
"Stupidest show ever," Lovino grumbled.
"Okay then," Antonio said. "But dinner's in about a half an hour. Also…I'm sorry."
"What?" Lovino snapped.
"I miss you, I really do," the orderly mumbled before leaving.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Lovino asked under his breath. Gilbert just continued to try to read his stupid book, now that the room was finally silent again.
"Come on, asswipe, let's go," Lovino suddenly ordered.
"What, why?" Gilbert asked, dropping the book down unceremoniously.
"Dora's on," Lovino simply stated, turning towards the door.
"But I thought it was the stupidest show ever?"
"Yeah, well, it teaches me Spanish, whatever."
"I hope you know more Spanish than a cartoon can teach, you know with your Spanish lover and all—"
Lovino whirled around angrily. "Just shut your mouth and nod your head when I tell Antonio it was your idea."
"Okay, okay," Gilbert sighed. "Wait…what?"
"Hurry up," Lovino grumbled, storming forward towards the common room.
As soon as the pair reached their destination, Lovino slowed down his pace and started shuffling towards the couch in front of the TV. The change in speed was so sudden, Gilbert found himself running into his roommate's back.
"Watch it, dumbass," Lovino snapped, shoving him backwards.
"What gives?" Gilbert asked, slightly irritated. "Just go over there already!"
"I will do what I want to do when I want to do it!" Lovino growled.
"Yeah, cool, do it now," Gilbert quipped. "I'm not going to stand here awkwardly all day. Someone's going to check to see if we're okay any minute."
"Oh please," Lovino returned. "What? Do we look lost and confused or something? No! No body's going to bother us while I muster up the cour—"
"Is everything okay over here?" Antonio asked, walking over from the couch.
"Damn it, Bastardo, go sit down!" Lovino yelled.
"Um, excuse me?" Antonio asked, looking a little confused. Gilbert thought the orderly would be better at hiding confusion by now. Oh well.
"Gilbert wants to watch Dora," Lovino explained.
"Um, yes!" Gilbert added, nodding vigorously, but probably not convincingly.
"Dipshit! I told you just to nod!" Lovino hissed.
"Um, Lovino…"
"Shut up you!" Lovino growled. "Anyway, Antonio you can go back to watching Dora while Gilbert and I stand here for a while. Gilbert has a problem that we need to discuss."
"No, I think we can go now," Gilbert corrected. Stupid Lovino was going to get him put on some kind of danger list with that kind of talk.
"Um, no, I think we need to stay here for about five more fucking minutes, Gilbert," Lovino said forcefully.
"Are you alright, Lovi?" Antonio asked, sounding concerned, but he had a hint of a smile on his face. He probably had already figured out what was going on, and was now waiting for Lovino to go through his process or whatever. The guy probably found it amusing or some dumb shit like that.
"Fan-fucking-tastic, Antonio," Lovino replied. "Now leave me alone!"
"Okay, but please remember to watch your language." With that last reminder, the orderly retreated back to the couch. Gilbert wondered if he was watching the children's show alone, but then he noticed that Kiku was peeking out from under the couch. How the fuck did he fit under there? He wondered in distress.
"Hey! You paying attention?" Lovino asked angrily.
"Lovino, if you don't get your ass over there and do whatever you want to do, I swear to God I'm leaving right now," Gilbert responded. "Make out—I mean make up with him already."
"How do you know that's what I want to do?" Lovino retorted. "Maybe I just want to watch Dora?"
Gilbert suddenly cracked up at the notion of Lovino actually wanting to watch any show meant for children. Let alone Dora the Explorer.
"Shut up ass wipe!" Lovino snapped, stomping off towards the couch. When he arrived, he plopped himself next to Antonio. Several moments later his head leaned just slightly toward the orderly's shoulder. Antonio simply patted his companion's shoulder warmly, a big smile back on his face. "Don't touch me, bastard," Lovino grumbled.
"Whatever you say, Lovi."
"And don't call me that either! For fuck's sakes what is wrong with all these fucking—"
"Language, Lovi!"
"What! I tell you not to and you do it again! What is wrong with you?"
By this time, Gilbert had wandered his way over to the couch, having nothing better to do than watch Dora.
"What do you think you're doing?" Lovino asked angry. "Sit on the floor!"
"Lovi!" Antonio chided.
"You haven't seen all the shit he gives me! He's a complete dickhead fuck—"
"Lovino!"
Laughing softly under his breath at Lovino's colorful language. Gilbert sat on the couch anyway.
"What! Get off!"
It was such a relief to go back to the usual routine of watching kids' shows and pissing his moody roommate off.
He was stupid to believe it really.
After just a half an hour of the normalcy of watching g-rated television, Gilbert had allowed himself to relax. Things just felt like they had been put back together. Things finally felt a little okay.
How stupid was he?
Well, he thought as he picked at his lasagna, At least Arthur doesn't seem mad at me.
Across the table, said Brit was apparently too busy fussing over the unresponsive Alfred to interact with any of his tablemates. Alfred, for what it was worth, didn't seem angry either, but the fact that he was currently choosing to lay his head face first against the table made it hard to tell.
Suddenly, Gilbert felt an intrusive hand on his thigh, along with the sudden need to resist punching a certain someone in the face.
"Oh hon hon hon!" Francis chuckled next to him, seemingly oblivious to the fact that his hand was currently being forcibly removed from its position. "It was so boring without you today! All I had was boring old Arthur for company!"
"He's fine!" Arthur suddenly snapped. "I'm dealing with it okay? Will you guys just bugger off…" Gilbert stared in his direction for several moments before realizing that Arthur wasn't talking to anyone visible.
"And he keeps doing that!" Francis wailed. "It's absolute torture being in the company of such an individual! Bookish…frumpy…"
"Uh huh," Gilbert mumbled.
"It was horrible! Unbearable!" Francis continued to whine. "I'm amazed I even survived such torture!"
"What the fuck is this shit?" Lovino exclaimed, plopping down in the seat on the other side of Gilbert. "What bastardization of Italian cuisine will they think of next? No food is safe! Fuck!"
"Looks fine to me," a voice said from behind them. Gilbert whirled around to see the bright pink, kitty-adorned scrubs of Yao. "Don't you think so, Alfred?" the nurse asked, taking a seat next to the blonde.
"…shit…" Lovino cursed under his breath. "This is a shit storm waiting to happen."
"I think it's delicious!" Francis yelled. "Do you want to know what I had for lunch? It was fabulous! Not even Arthur's charmless demeanor could ruin it!"
"Not right now, Francis," Yao said. "In a moment, though. Maybe you could tell your friends about it?"
"Don't even think about it," Lovino growled. "I don't give a shit."
"Don't touch me," Gilbert snapped, wincing away from an advancing hand. Once he was sure of his safety, however, he turned his attention to the other side of the table. Yao was currently attempting to get Alfred to try some food, but it appeared that even communicating was proving to be an issue.
"Alfred, would you like to try some lasagna?" Yao asked. "It's a tasty treat, I'm sure…" He pushed the tray he was previously holding towards Alfred. "Yummy, right?" Alfred said nothing in return, but moved slightly away from the offered plate.
"Alfred?" Yao asked. "Are you going to talk to me?"
No answer.
"Alfred," Yao said more sternly. "I need you to try to eat some of your dinner."
To this, Alfred mumbled something incomprehensible.
"What was that?" Yao asked. "You need to lift your head up so I can understand you."
"No!" Alfred shouted, yet didn't move and thus was still muffled by the table.
"Alfred, let's not make this a repeat of lunch. Let's eat at least…"
"No!" Alfred yelled, turning his head to face Yao, but still not sitting up fully. "I'm not hungry!"
"Alfred, you know the rules," Yao said sternly. "You need to…"
"I need Mattie!"
"Do you need to talk to Dr. Braginskaya?"
"NO! I need to talk to Mattie!"
"Alfred, are you going to cooperate?" Yao asked, obviously not going to take any nonsense. "Or do you want to see your doctor?" Gilbert gulped inwardly. The 'see your doctor' question was never a good sign.
"NO! NO! DOUBLE NO!" Alfred screamed, snapping up in his seat. The sudden movement almost resulted in him head butting Arthur, who thankfully moved away just in time. The poor man seemed to want to help, but was too shocked and confused to do so.
"Do you want to drink Ensure again?" Yao asked. "We can do that; you like the chocolate don't you?"
"I'M NOT HUNGRY!"
"Then we need to go talk to Dr. Braginskaya."
"NO!"
"Alfred," Yao commanded. "You only have two choices here, and that's not one of them."
"WHERE'S MATTIE?"
"Go ahead and call Dr. Braginskaya," Yao said to Carlos, who had mysteriously appeared behind Gilbert. The orderly nodded and began speaking into his radio. Gilbert noticed that a couple other orderlies had started hanging around their table's vicinity.
"I DON'T WANT THAT! I'M NOT HUNGRY!" Alfred screamed, pushing away from the table as if he was about to stand up.
"Stay in your seat," Yao commanded. Alfred sat, apparently listening for the time being.
"Now can you just try one fork full…? Or some Ensure…"
Gilbert continued to watch the scene, trying to overcome the discomfort he felt from the situation. He still couldn't shake the blame he put on himself.
Suddenly, Antonio appeared behind him. It wasn't so surprising considered the large amount of personal already around them. "You four, come with me," he said.
"But…" Arthur whispered.
"Let's go to another table," Antonio suggested firmly. "Come on."
Gilbert and the others stood up hesitantly, very aware of the scene before them.
"I want Mattie!" Alfred yelled, scooting farther away from Yao in his seat. "I just want Mattie!"
"You need to be patient, Alfred."
"NO!"
"Saying 'no' over and over isn't going to get you what you want."
"NO!"
Gilbert stood frozen in where he was standing in a kind of horrific awe. Arthur mirrored his actions, looking extremely worried. Francis, on the other hand, had already skipped away from the table, happily oblivious to the problems of others.
"Psst, dumbass, let's get the fuck out of crazy town, shall we?" Lovino hissed in his ear, causing Gilbert to jump.
"…what?" Gilbert asked, confused.
"Start walking before Antonio drags you away," Lovino explained testily, shoving him slightly.
"Guys, are you coming?" the orderly asked, already leading a shocked Arthur away from the table.
"Yes," Lovino huffed, storming forward, gripping Gilbert's arm as he did so. "Gilbert, come," he commanded.
"Hey! I'm not a dog!" Gilbert protested, shrugging out of his grasp. "And I'm coming, okay?"
"Then don't be stupid," Lovino growled, continuing to walk quickly towards Antonio. Gilbert followed, looking backwards toward Alfred as he did. Even when he and his roommate reached the table, he forwent eating in order to continue watching. Dr. Braginskaya had finally arrived on the scene and was attempting to control the situation.
"NO! NO! NO! I DON'T WANT TO!" Alfred suddenly screamed in a response to a suggestion apparently brought forth.
His doctor simply sat next to him, speaking quietly. Alfred responded by throwing his tray across the table.
"Good thing we left or you would've gotten nailed with that," Lovino commented.
"Oh, just like you almost hit me with a book earlier."
"What was that? 'Thanks Lovino for saving my face'?" Lovino snapped. "That's what I thought."
"Thank you Lovi for saving my face," Gilbert repeated reluctantly.
"That's bett—hey! Is that what I said?" Lovino asked. "Did I say that nickname? No. The answer is no!"
"Come on Alfred, let's continue this conversation in your room," Dr. Braginskaya could be heard as Alfred was ushered into the standing position by a couple orderlies.
Alfred was eerily silent as he was escorted out of the room, but several minutes after his departure, more yelling could be heard coming from down the hall.
"This sucks," Gilbert sighed.
"It sure does," Francis sniffed. "No one's paying any attention to me!"
"Hold Mrs. Sparkle Princess for me, will you?"
"Um, sure. No problem, bro," Gilbert said, taking the pink toy from his companion. He held the gingerly, afraid to somehow break it or mess it up. He was already nervous about speaking with Arthur about what happened the night before. He wanted to apologize, or something, but wasn't sure how. He had agreed to Arthur's request of an after dinner chess match in hopes of building up the courage.
"Thank you," Arthur sniffed, dropping the box for the chess set on the table in front of them. He set the cardboard lid aside and began to set up the chessboard. "I'm sure you remember that one of the white rooks is actually a checker."
"Yeah, I do…"'
"And that this die represents a black knight."
"Yes, but I…"
"Oh and we have to use some Sorry markers in place of a couple of lost pawns."
"What about the 'Super Knight Attack'?" Gilbert asked, remembering one of Alfred's favorite illegal moves.
"That doesn't exist," Arthur muttered, adding, "Alfred's not here right now," under his breath.
"Oh, sorry…" Gilbert said quietly, instantly regretting what he had said.
"May I have Mrs. Sparkle Princess back?" Arthur simply asked, holding out his arms.
"Sure…" Gilbert sighed, handing back the plush toy.
"Thank you," Arthur said, stroking the pony's sparkly mane. "And don't be sorry. It's not your fault that things are messed up right now," he added, sitting down in his seat. "Now shall we…"
"But…but…" Gilbert stuttered, sitting down as well albeit much less gracefully. His chair almost toppled over due to the wobbliness of his coordination. "It, it, is my fault… I took Alfred to see Matt…and I screwed it all up and I shouldn't have even taken him and the first place and…"
"Gilbert, what are you even talking about?" Arthur asked.
"I'm just really, really sorry Arthur…" Gilbert sighed, playing with a chess piece mindlessly.
"You know, Lovino and I also came up with the idea to sneak out, it wasn't just you," Arthur said after a couple moments of silence. "What, do you think that because you were the one who took Alfred up to the solitary ward, it's your fault he's upset now?"
"Um, yeah."
"That's absolute rubbish."
"But…I screwed up…it didn't work."
"It was a misguided adventure from the start," Arthur sniffed. "Remember who advised you on how to get to solitary. A nutter with trolls for friends, that's who."
"But…"
"Look," Arthur sighed. "As far as I'm concerned, you did more for Alfred that I could have done. I share just as much blame as…"
"Arthur, don't say that…" Gilbert interjected.
"Well, was it your fault too, that Matthew was in solitary in the first place?" Arthur suddenly snapped. "No. And it's not mine either. So just leave me alone about okay? I—we—didn't do anything on purpose so you guys can just leave me—us—be. Just stop…"
"Um, Arthur?" Gilbert asked, a little confused at who his companion was suddenly talking to. It kind of sounded like he was still talking to Gilbert, or maybe was talking about him to some invisible entity but he wasn't sure.
"STOP TALKING TO ME!" Arthur yelled, hitting the table unexpectedly.
"Um, okay…" Gilbert said, getting up out of his seat.
"Wait," Arthur said, sounding a bit upset. "I uh, wasn't talking to you… Don't go, I still want to play chess. Okay? Just don't mind the others; they're in a bad mood about something."
"I'll just ignore them then," Gilbert said, sitting back down.
"Good. Now, would you rather be black or white?"
After about five games of chess, the pair had settled down to watch some TV before lights out. Lovino had joined them sometime after an episode of Dragon Tales started, crossing his arms over his chest as he plopped onto the couch.
"This show sucks," he huffed.
"Sorry, the Maury Show wasn't on," Gilbert teased. "So we had to watch this."
"Oh please, we haven't been able to watch that show since Antonio walked in during the line 'she's like a toilet seat: she's white and everybody's used her'," Lovino rolled his eyes as he quoted the show.
"Good riddance," Arthur said. "That was a horrid show; a terrible way to entertain yourself…"
Suddenly he ceased talking in order to look towards the hallway.
"Oh, Matthew's back," he said quietly.
Said blonde was currently being escorted towards his room by Carlos and his doctor. His gaze was glued to the floor as he shuffled down the hall.
"Is he going to be all loopy and weird now?" Gilbert blurted out. "You know, like Mikkel was?"
"Um," Arthur started.
"I mean, sorry pretend I never asked that…"
"He may be a little, but probably not," Lovino answered, despite Gilbert's request. He was once again channeling his job of guiding Gilbert apparently. "A lot of the time, solitary is just somewhere that they put you until the heavy meds wear off so they can make sure you won't go ballistic after the sedatives are out of your system."
"But Mikkel was…"
"What?" Lovino asked. "High out of his mind? That's because they mess with his dosage after he punches something."
"Or someone," Arthur added daintily.
"That's kind of what being in a place like this works; they're trying to figure out what's wrong with you and what kind of medication will make it better," Lovino explained. "It's kind of a trial and error kind of thing, I guess."
"I don't think they'll put Matthew anything too strong," Arthur said, as if trying to assure Gilbert of their friend's wellbeing. "He's not usually prone to choking people, you know."
"Um, yeah, I know," Gilbert mumbled.
"Everything will be back to normal soon," Arthur said softly, patting Gilbert's kneed comfortingly. Gilbert wasn't sure how much he liked being babied by the English gentleman.
"If by normal you mean totally screwed up, but not as much as it is now," Lovino scoffed.
"Yes, that is exactly what I mean," Arthur hissed. "…wanker…"
Yet, the next day, when the twins refused to sit with the group at breakfast, Gilbert wondered if everything really would return to their fucked-but-not-that -fucked-up version of normal.
Author's fun time! (very long, sorry!)
Firstly, story notes:
Ensure is a drink type thing that has nutrients and calories, it's usually for people who are having a difficult time eating full meals.
The Maury Show quote is totally real. I did not invent it.
Excuses for being late:
Okay, so as you probably know the chapter was first delayed due to school exams and papers. But, after I was done with school for the summer I got a really bad cold, which I tried to write through, but what came from that was some really, really bad writing. So I had to throw that out. Then, even before I was all the way better, I went to work, which I lived at, so I had absolutely no privacy to work on a fic. THEN, while I was at work I had a family emergency, so when I came home from work, I was helping with that. SO ANYWAYS, the universe didn't want me to update. Or something.
In short, I am truly sorry for not updating in so long, but I was always thinking of the fic and trying to write this chapter. I have not abandoned this fic, I love it too much to do that. I still have ideas, and I'm happy that this arc is more or less finished so I can continue with some things that I've been excited to write about.
Lastly, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 200 REVIEWS! I love you guys, I really do. I'm sorry for the delay, and for not replying. I will start replying probably tomorrow because it's really late now and I'm trying to get this chapter in asap.
Thanks for sticking with me,
xoxo
Pi
