The air is strange. The streets are quiet. They're not empty. They're not even silent. They just feel that way. I feel like I'm in slow motion. I feel like the people passing by are merely shadows. The sun has hidden itself behind some buildings, poking it's warm fingers at me through the spaces between, making sure I know it's there. Almost like a little friend helping me along. Letting me know that no matter what, it'll be here for me. It'll still rise tomorrow no matter what happens today. No matter what.

I turn onto another nameless street, just following the motions. Retracing my steps. Letting them lead me back home. I'm strangely calm. I'm strangely still. There's something about this moment. This moment where the day starts moving towards the evening. When the light goes from bright to mellow, painting everything it wants orange. And it just keeps shining it's light on me. Keeps pouring down on my heavy shoulders. Oddly pouring down and taking away the weight. Making them feel less heavy. Making my life seem not so bad.

It's like I've come to this point of understanding. I can't go back. I can only go forward. So I'm going to keep walking. I'm going to walk home and do the only thing I can. I'm going to face the truth and brave the storm. I guess right now I'm in the proverbial calm before that storm. The calm before a really really rough storm. I'm not so naive to believe it's not going to be absolute hell. To not know I'm going to feel even more broken then I do now. But I think sometimes in life you have to completely break before you can become whole again. You have to come apart to start new. And all I want now, all I want so badly is to start new. I want to have a life again. So I'm going make this final turn towards home and wait for the first streak of lightning to slice through my calm skies. I'm going to wait for Ashley to call.

Or maybe not...

"Ash?" She's sitting with her head in her hands on the stoop to mom's apartment. It takes her a moment but finally she turns her troubled face towards me.

Uh oh.

"Hey." She softly says. She still looks troubled, but I can't tell what kind of trouble it is. If she's angry or upset. Or more importantly, if she knows. Right now it could be anything. It could be all of the above.

"Everything ok?" I'm completely toeing through egg shells. My voice is practically whispering, so careful not to disturb a thing. Trying so hard to find out how much trouble I'm in.

She looks at me for a few moments. She takes her time reading my eyes. It's like she's doing the same exact thing as me. "Yeah...", she lightly nods her head, eyes slightly scanning down my body, "...yeah. I just wanted to come by."

I feel slightly relieved, cause the tension has lifted somewhat. However it's lifted only to allow a new one to fall between. The new tension of what was released this morning. In her bed under those sheets. And we both feel it.

"How'd you know where I live?" Clearly not the most important fact here, curiosity getting the best of me. As she always does.

Once again Ashley's light laughter breaks through the thick air. It really has such an amazing ability in that way. How it effortlessly puts myself and any situation at ease. And I love it.

"You told me last night..." She shakes her head a little bit, "...you really can't remember anything, can you?"

There's something about her words that make me extremely uncomfortable. There's something about her words that go far deeper than the surface. There's an ocean beneath that surface. And with the way she's looking at me, her eyes now serious and direct, laughter a long gone thing of the past, I think she wants it that way. She has a complete purpose and intention here.

I think I just heard the first clap of thunder in the distance.

"Well...want to come up?" I don't even bother answering her question, it seems pointless now. She already knows I don't remember. I just don't know how much she knows. But something tells me I'm going to find out soon. Or more importantly, she's going to find out soon.

She doesn't say a thing as she stands and allows me to walk past her. Allows me to fiddle around with the keys in the door. Suddenly the peacefulness I had just moments ago is gone. I can feel her breathing behind me, I can feel her so close. And she's oh so close. Not just distance wise. She's fumbling around in the dark, seeking the truth that has been hiding so well, and she's almost found it. Her hands are practically on top of it and I'm starting to feel that pit in my stomach. I'm shaking cause it's only a matter of time before I'm found.

We walk our way up the few flights of stairs, neither one of us saying a word. Just merely climbing towards that storm, and I swear with each step I hear a drop of rain. We enter the eerily quiet apartment and I realize how foolish I was to forget about mom. To forget that mom could've been here and that would have been worse than a storm. That would have been the apocalypse.

"Paula's not here, huh?" Ashley's voice comes from behind me and it's full of sarcasm. It catches me off guard. It makes me realize I'm not the only one who has issues with her. I'm not the only one who's thrilled she's not here.

"Yeah..." I walk further into the living room, making the appropriate turn down the hall towards my room. She's only one step behind me, and my god it's intimidating. "...I guess not."

I start to open the door of my room, "So I think it's good you came over cause there's some-"

What...the...hell?

"Brynn?"

I can't believe my eyes. I can't believe she's sitting right there on my bed. And I can't believe how happy I am to see her. I move right over towards her as she stands and wrap my arms around her, hugging her close. I can feel the relief flooding through me. And I can feel how taken back she is. I've never been a hugger.

"Hey Spence." Her voice is soft and I know she's surprised by what she sees. She's surprised to see Ashley before her.

Ashley.

I quickly pull away, turning to the side so I can see both of them. Turning so I can see Ashley's now pained face. I don't understand why, but I know I have to smooth over this moment. I have to make it normal.

"Hey Ash this is my friend Brynn...Brynn this is..." I look into her eyes sincerely, "...Ashley." I smile towards her but she doesn't return it.

"Hi." Brynn's voice is shy and Ashley just stares at her.

The air becomes all sorts of heavy. Layer after layer of tension piling up. The fact that all three of us are sharing the same space. The fact that these two people from two different worlds are a few feet from each other. I'm straddling the line of my old life and new life and I'm with the two most important people from both. And what makes it more complicated is I don't know which is which. I have no clue which one is old and which one is new.

"Yeah...I remember you." Her words are sad, so sad, and I realize why. I finally recall both Ashley and Brynn's story of seeing each other. Of how I completely ignored Ashley. And now I'm sad too. We let Ashley's words linger in the silence for a few moments, no one knowing quite what to say. Finally I have to break it, I have to break the awkwardness that is just thickening. I turn back to Brynn.

"What are you doing here?"

She keeps her eyes on me, contemplating, before she turns them on Ashley. "Um...we can talk about that later. Obviously I've interrupted something here."

Brynn's being weird. So weird. But really why wouldn't she? This whole moment is weird. This room is weird, with it's trophies and ribbons scattered about. With it's strangers faces tacked onto the walls.

"No...no, I can go. You two probably want some time together." Ashley's voice sounds strangled as she turns to walk out.

"Ash..." I go for her and lightly wrap my fingers around her arm, pulling her back to me. Pulling her watery eyes to look into mine. Suddenly I realize what she thinks is going on here. "...no, no..." I look back at Brynn's own confused and sad face.

What the fuck is going on?

"Please, it's not" I stare back at Ashley, my voice turning on every ounce of honesty left inside me, "it's not what you think. Please stay."

Ashley's eyes pierce through mine, a brief light of relief shines through and I think I've convinced her. We stand there for a few moments when Brynn's voice interrupts our moment.

"I'm just gonna..." she walks past us, almost like she can't even be in the room any longer. Almost like she's drowning. "...I'm gonna go...I'll be..." she stops in the doorway, hardly even looking at us.

"I'll be outside." She finishes and before I can say anything she's gone, closing the door behind her. I can tell she's hurt by something, she's upset, but I can't go after her. I can't see what's wrong. Something tells me I can only handle what's inside this room. I can only handle what's between Ashley and me.

"I'm sorry, she's my best friend from home." I say it as if I have to prove something, and I have no clue why. I already feel guilty about every thing.

"No, I know..." She walks past me towards the dresser, "...it's ok." I can't tell if I should believe her, but I decide I should. Right now there's far more to work through than Brynn. Far more than whatever just happened with her.

But really...what just happened? What was that all about?

I cross the room to my bed and take a seat. I'm still in yesterday's clothes. There's still stale cigarette smoke wafting from them. I look at Ashley from behind, her body happy in fresh new clothes. Her hair clean and pulled loosely up. Meanwhile I'm still sitting in my day old clothes, stale with my past regrets and last nights mistakes.

She's observing every foreign object residing on the shelves of my room, just gathering years worth of dust. You'd think I had died years before. And the sad part is that I kind of did.

"Look at all this stuff..." she looks as baffled as me by it all "...is this really your room?"

I nod lightly, hardly able to believe it either. "I haven't been back here in a while..." catching sight of a backstreet boys poster embarrassingly hanging on the wall "...a long long while."

She leans back against the dresser. She looks sad. I'm sad. We're both quiet. We're both still. And our eyes haven't left each other in the longest time. I can't believe how easy it is to just hold that contact with her.

"I have a weird question."

This doesn't sound good.

"Ok..."I draw it out as my body completely stiffens. I have no clue where she's going with this, but I have a bad feeling.

"Would you sing to me?"

"What?" I can't help but chuckle a bit. It's so sweet and it lightens the mood. I feel bad cause I have the worst voice ever. But I feel relieved. I wasn't expecting something so cute.

"You know...sing that song you'd always sing for me when it was just us?"

And I'm a moron...

I stare at her completely baffled. I stare at her completely floored. I can hear rain pelting now. I can feel it all falling down. It's all crashing down on us. The truth just swallowing us whole.

"You remember it don't you? I mean it'd be impossible for you to forget..." Her voice trails off as she watches my own face fall more and more. I look at her with eyes that tell her I did forget. She sees on my face I don't remember. And she looks completely heartbroken.

"Oh my god..." she brings a hand up to her mouth as she drops back against the dresser, "...it's true."

She...knows?

I can't tell so I foolishly ask her, I foolishly whisper "what?" But it's so obvious I know what she's talking about. And it's so obvious she realizes it.

"Chelsea told me...she..." she swallows hard, her eyes aren't looking at mine anymore, in fact they look like they can't even turn in my direction "...she said that you...you..."

She pushes herself up and paces the room, her back towards me, until she stops at the door. Finally she slowly turns to me and her cheeks are already moist with tears. And there are only more following close behind. They're quickly sliding down every slippery track that's already been left.

"You erased me?"

I've never heard words more pained. I've never heard more wounded words. And I've never felt worse in my life.

"Ashley...I..." I stand quickly, going to move towards her. But she holds up her hands, she builds a wall with her hands. She's closing herself off alright, and I don't blame her in the slightest.

"No." She still won't look at me, head shaking more and more. "No. Stay away from me."

I can't do anything but listen to her. I can't do anything but keep my feet planted right where they are. Stay still even though the wind is whipping around me, even though everything in this moment is trying to push me over. It's threatening to wipe me out completely. My own eyes have tears. My own head is shaking. I can't even look at myself. I can't even face what I've done.

"Really?"

She's now looking straight through me, as if there's still a chance that it's not what she thinks. Like she's still not ready to believe it.

"You really did that, Spence?"

She has one last thread of hope weaved into her sad words. But it's small, and it only becomes smaller. Because I just stare at her. I stare my answer into her. I'm not even brave enough to answer.

"Say it." She puts her tears on hold long enough so the words come out as clear as glass. As steady as a rock.

"Ashley...please..." I'm smothered in desperation. I can't bare it. I can't take this.

"Fucking say it!"

It frightens me. It shakes me as I look at her with my own lips quivering, with my own eyes overflowing with tears. "Yes..." I drop my head, the words coming out with one big sigh "...I erased you."

I hear her stifled sob. I hear her hands coming up to her mouth as she fights for a breath. I hear her quickly turn and walk out. And I'm right behind her, I'm going right after her.

"Wait Ashley..." I'm running after her down the hall "...let's talk about this." My voice is shrieking with desperation. She can't leave. She just can't.

Everything is moving so slowly. I can't catch up to her. I'm running through quicksand. I see her shoulders shaking, I hear her exasperated breaths. Her heart wrenching sobs. And from the sight of Brynn's face as we enter the living room, I know she looks worse than she sounds.

Brynn just stands there as the two of us come barreling into the room. She looks like someone who's just witnessed a car accident. She looks terrified but she still can't take her eyes away from us.

Ashley goes straight for the door, and as she opens it I feel like I might just collapse. Not because she's leaving, although that has something to do with it. But as she pulls the door past her she displays someone waiting in the hall. She displays my entire family standing there.

What are they doing here? Really, what the fuck is going on?

We all stand still. We're all frozen in this moment. Every world and truth we've created now colliding. They've all just crashed together. And we all know how bad it is. We all have the same nauseating pit in our stomach. We all feel that storm above us now. Each with our own dark and threatening cloud hovering above our heads.

"Spence..." My mom's the first one to test the water. She's the first one to move as she carefully walks into the room, keeping her eyes on Ashley for a few moments. There's something so disdainful in the way they both look at each other.

"No." Now it's my turn to be mad. Everything I'm feeling right now, everything that's unfolding. It's her fault. It's all her fault. "Stay away from me." I back away from her as everyone remains still, even Ashley.

"Ashley I think it's time you left." My mom says over her shoulder and it infuriates me.

"No it's not." I snap back as I move to go after Ashley, but she's already pushing past my brothers in the doorway.

"Gladly" It's the last evidence of Ashley. She's already gone and I feel so lonely. I feel so empty. I'm crying every tear I have left as my arms hug my own body.

My mom is still walking towards me as she hesitantly begins, "Spence...why don't you sit down and we'll tal-"

"NO!" It comes out so highly pitched, my tears swallowing it up. I can hardly breathe, I can hardly stop my nose from running. My head endlessly shakes. I've never felt so awful. I need comfort. I need something to hold onto. Then I have it. All of a sudden I feel it. All of a sudden Brynn is hugging me.

I weep into her shoulder. I weep so hard. I need to go to Ashley. I need to talk to her and explain to her. I don't even know what there is to explain but I have to make sure she's alright.

Brynn's hands stroke through my hair, smooth over my back, and I hear her whisper in my ear "it's ok Spence, it's ok." We stay like that for a few moments, I can't let go. I have to hold on. I need someone to help me. I'm all alone, I'm all alone without Ashley. Without Brynn right against me. She slowly pulls away and smiles through her own watery eyes.

"Ashley" I stutter out, I can't even formulate the rest of the words.

"I know..." Brynn pulls me close again "...I can go after her?"

I want to go after her. I want to find her. But I know I can't. I know that there's another battle inside this room, and it's one I need to fight now. It's one I'm ready to start without hesitation.

I open my mouth to speak but I can't. My lips are quivering so much I can't get anything to slide past them. So I do all that I can, I nod my buried head into her shoulder. A stifled "please" manages to push through my wet lips and tears as I lean back. Through flooded eyes I tell her to go. I tell her I need her to. And she does. She weakly smiles, and I know it's telling me I'll be ok. She's trying to give me strength and hope. And then she's gone. She's gone and I'm all by myself. I'm face to face with my mother. My dad and brothers are still clumped over by the door. Where they belong.

And mom and me, we're right where we belong. This is about us. We're both in our own corners, strapping on our gloves. This is our fight. And I'm not scared. No way. Everything that's happened has only given me more fuel to go on. Has only added more flame to the fire. I'm more fucking hungry to fight than ever. The way Ashley feels right now. How hurt she is. What I've done. What my mom helped me do. It's all rushing to my mind and I'm overflowing with anger. I stare at her with such fury that I'm almost scaring myself.

And I'm not the only one. Because as I look at my mothers face, I see the opposite. She doesn't want this. Her face is white with terror. She's not ready for this. She's not ready to step into the ring.

But I don't care. I don't care at all. I wasn't ready for anything that's happened to me. I didn't want any of this to happen. My life for the past 3 years has been a fight. A battle I wanted nothing to do with. But I still took it. I still took every punch and swing. I even took some of my own.

"You..."

I stare right at her with wet but steady eyes as the word pierces right through the room. Pierces right through all of us. The aching in my voice, the anger, it hits all of us in the gut. It's my first swing. And as my mom's eyes close, her own tears coming to the surface, I know it's one that's knocked her down. I know with just that one tiny punch I've already knocked her out.