.disclaimer: don't own.

.chapter twelve: lies, lies, truth.

"I'm leaving, un."

"All right."

Deidara paused by the door but Sasori heard him leave after a moment. He didn't move from his position of lying down on the couch and flipping through the channels with one arm folded behind his head. Sasori was allowed to go home the day after the explosion and from then until today, they interacted very little and only when absolutely necessary. They hardly looked at each other and neither wanted to attempt to apologize or make a gesture of apology.

The apartment had never been so peaceful. The neighbors were grateful, but any of their friends that visited were scared for Sasori and Deidara.

The redhead sighed and turned off the television after determining there was nothing good on. He shifted so he was lying on his back and stared up at the ceiling, listening to the silence in his apartment. He wondered if this was what Deidara did everyday, just sit around and do nothing. How could he handle it? His mind flashed back to his law books and he almost got up to study, but decided against it. He could do at least one more day without it, he decided, and smirked.

Never thought I'd see the day where I'm the one that has to restrain myself from studying.

Ever since returning from the hospital, he hadn't touched those books. Instead, Sasori spent time walking outside. Deidara seemed to be secretly pleased that he was the one that got to stay in the apartment while Sasori wandered around aimlessly. However, Sasori mentioned casually that he wasn't exiled, to which Deidara glared at him. That was possibly their friendliest exchange.

It had been so long since Sasori just walked outside for the sake of being outside. Despite the cold, now December, weather, it was still so calming to casually stroll in the park, enjoying the crisp air and the sun without thinking about his classes or studies. It was so relieving to not have all that pressure; after a couple of days, his anger had simmered down. He was still angry, without a doubt, but he and Deidara didn't have to grip whatever they were sitting on or leaning against to not throw themselves at each other and beat the crap out of each other.

But it was getting cold; the snow was falling, making it a pain to walk outside, and it wasn't much warmer inside the apartment. Since Sasori liked to think about nothing while he walked and clear his head, he didn't want to be worried about if he was going to slip on ice or get snow in his shoes.

And so Sasori was confined to the comforts of his own apartment, joined only by the ticking of the clock and the noise of the television. He pushed himself up and stood up, albeit a bit too quickly as the suddenly dizzy feeling informed him. He stumbled back and fell onto the couch, bringing a hand up to his forehead. He closed his eyes and waited for the feeling to go away, sighing. He really had to feed himself, he thought as he stood up again and headed towards his study, not noticing the irony of ignoring the kitchen.

Entering his study, the first thing Sasori saw was a massive pile of textbooks. But instead of going and sitting down, he walked towards his bookcases, where he looked at his puppets, all carefully handcrafted by him. As he looked at each one, he remembered how many grueling hours he spent on each one, making sure it was perfect before even considering beginning another one. He really should have been a surgeon, he thought dryly, he had incredibly steady hands.

Each puppet told him a story, reminding him of what he was doing at the time. There were dates on the name cards and, as Sasori moved from older to more recent, not only did the quality improve, but the number of puppets also lessened until they stopped altogether. Of course, normal people would attribute this decline to the quality, as higher quality meant more work. But Sasori knew why. The year he started law school, that was when his passion had to be ceased, as he had to study. No longer was skating by with ninety percents in his class an option; he had to strive for that hundred.

He stopped in front of Hiruko and bent down, smiling as he gently traced a finger against the smooth, wooden face. Hiruko was by far his proudest accomplishment, even though he was, in other people's eyes, the ugliest. He was large, he was inhumane, he looked like he had had a terrible haircut, and he was… creepy, to say the least. But Sasori didn't see that; to him, Hiruko was something special. Hiruko was his first large puppet. He wasn't a simple marionette; he was an actual puppet that Sasori could fit inside if he wanted to. He remembered working endlessly on this, perfecting every joint and every hinge. Even now, he would do daily maintenance to make sure the hinges didn't squeak.

Hiruko was certainly out of the ordinary, but Sasori had designed him that way. When Sasori was constructing Hiruko, he remembered that it was during that time period that this anger began. He was angry at everything; at friends, family, society, the world. He hated the pressure and, he was pretty sure, it was around this time that he had been shoved into the world of law. And so he made Hiruko, embodying all the anger he felt. Hiruko didn't conform to what a "pretty" puppet would look like. Hiruko wasn't human, he was more animalistic. In some stretched out, incredibly odd way, Sasori tried to make Hiruko what he felt like.

The mask covered what he really wanted, much like how the mask on Hiruko's back concealed the true puppeteer inside.

Hiruko's position, on all fours, made him look like a dog, or some kind of animal. Sasori felt like an animal; he was constantly being controlled and peered at by people. Even praise made him anxious, because every compliment he took as motivation to do better.

Then there was the face, the angry looking face with the odd haircut and the face mask. Sasori wasn't perfect, no matter what everyone else though. People told him he was so "pretty," so "young looking," so "smart," so, essentially, "perfect." And he wasn't. He was angry at everyone for thinking he was, hiding behind a mask, saying "thank you" instead of "fuck you."

But, all in all, the fact that Hiruko was a puppet embodied Sasori's feelings perfectly. He liked to think of himself as a puppeteer. After all, he liked to control things; he pushed himself and made sure that everything he did was perfect because he could. He controlled everything: his successes, his failures, his high points, his low points. He was in control of his own life, and he wanted to make sure people knew that. He didn't get to where he was today because of luck. It was because he worked so hard and he deserved it.

However, he was still a puppet, as much as he hated to admit it. His puppeteer was society, the society that put so much pressure on him to be absolutely perfect, making him force himself to fit into that mold of perfection. And his grandmother, above everyone, was the ultimate puppet master. She probably didn't even realize how big an influence she had on him, but every word he took to heart. Critiques he took harshly, compliments even more so.

"Well, that's gone to waste, hasn't it?" he muttered dryly and stood up. He looked around, then walked over and sat down in his desk, running his finger along the dark mahogany wood. He looked at the books and papers impassively, feeling an impending sense of dread at the thought of restarting them.

With one single sweep of his arms, he knocked all his study materials off his desk, feeling satisfied as he heard them clamor onto the ground. He smirked and opened the bottom most drawer, the one he forbade himself to open and pulled out a bunch of pieces, looking at them.

He remembered working on this. For some reason, he decided he needed a puppet of the Grim Reaper. There was the black cloth he had found for the cloak. There were the separate pieces for the body. And there was the metal sheet he had found for the scythe. Running his hands over the wood, he found that it was already sanded; all that was left was to put this together. He rummaged around in the drawer for his tools, when his keen eyesight landed on Deidara's gift, still resting on the corner of his desk.

He retrieved his tools and smiled, never taking his eyes off of the gift. It reminded him of when Deidara gave it to him. That night when Deidara first began preaching his beliefs; everything was so much simpler back then. Sasori was still angry, of course, but he had to admit, he did miss having that kind of acquaintance with Deidara.

"I hope you're happy," Sasori muttered and tore his eyes away, beginning to attach two pieces together for the arm, "I really do."

-X-x-X-

One class and Deidara thought he was just about to keel over and drop dead from boredom and unhappiness. He had half an hour before his next class and he decided to spend it by sitting under an old oak tree in the quad, the shade shielding what little warmth the sun had to offer today. But he didn't mind; it wasn't too cold and he liked to be outside instead of confined in one of the buildings. It reminded him how just a few weeks ago, he was like this; completely free, no pressure, and happy. Of course, that was long gone now, and his hours were filled with classes and cadavers instead of lounging around and artwork. But, Deidara thought morosely as he glanced at his textbooks that he had carelessly dropped next to him, he'd go back to art eventually. One day.

The infamous Deidara was back, and he didn't even know how infamous he was. When he walked into his classes, students stared at him with agape expressions and the professors took an instant disliking to him, and their scowl only deepened when he managed hundreds or near perfects on the quizzes they had him take. Deidara didn't blame them; here was a student that was given an opportunity, rejected it, and got another free one out of the blue. And on top of that, he was smart, so they couldn't even kick him out for being stupid.

That makes two of us that want me gone, he thought bitterly. Reaching into his backpack, he pulled out his phone and glanced at the time, pleased to see he still had ample time left. He closed his eyes and leaned against the tree, sighing. Already he had people come up to him and ask him to be their study partner. There were three types that asked him: people who were stupid and didn't want to do work, people who were smart and wanted to see size up their new competition, and, finally, those that just wanted an excuse to see him out of class. Had he been happy to be at med school and not harboring this stupid crush on Sasori, he probably would have said yes to a few people in the last category. But no, there was no way he could go on a date and think about Sasori and how they weren't speaking to each other.

Technically, Deidara supposed, that wasn't true. They did speak to each other. They alerted each other of mail, of food expiring, and dinner. And when the bathroom was free, and if someone had called and the other missed it. Very basic things, things that were just courtesy to tell each other. They sounded pleasant enough, but as soon as the words stopped, emotions whirred around and the negativity almost suffocated Deidara.

He wondered if Sasori would forgive him, when, if ever. He knew he had done wrong but he didn't want to apologize because it wouldn't be genuine. He preached doing what made him happy, but making Ino happy made him happy; what kind of logic would argue against that? Certainly, he could see why Sasori was mad, but he wished Sasori would see why Deidara did what he did. And now Sasori was free from the chains that Deidara took on and he really was happy for him. Even if Sasori didn't feel happy now, Deidara was sure he would eventually be glad to be freed, even temporarily.

"Look, little brother, we have similar friends," Deidara looked up to see Itachi paused and smirk at him, a younger Itachi look alike standing near him. They were probably crossing the quad and Itachi had seen him, and suddenly Deidara regretted spacing out and now having to talk to Itachi. The younger one raised an eyebrow and gave him a look over, one that resembled Itachi's rather condescending look at times, and Deidara couldn't help but snarl back.

"What the fuck do you want, Uchiha, un?"

"Nothing," both answered at the same time, then looked at each other and realized what the confusion was about. Rolling his eyes, the younger one spoke. "Itachi, he's nothing like Naruto. For one thing, I heard he's smart."

"Uzumaki is smart, no?"

"If you count memorizing every brand of ramen smart, yeah, the dobe's a genius."

"Oi!" Deidara growled, glaring at the two, "Mind telling me why you're staring at me like I'm an animal in the zoo, un?" Surrounded by two Uchihas, still not speaking to Sasori, and stuck in medical school. Deidara decided that his life officially sucked now.

"Oh nothing," Itachi shrugged, but Deidara detected the mini smirk gracing his lips, "Just wanted to drop by and see how your day as a faux medical student is."

"I'm not a fake, un."

"Your heart isn't in it."

"Oh, you're a therapist now? Thanks for caring, but I don't need you to, un."

"Nothing like the dobe. He'd be throwing punches by now."

"Will you shut up, miniature Uchiha?"

"Oh, all right, I see the similarities."

"Oh shut up!" Deidara glared at the two again and he stood up, grabbing his stuff. He began to walk off but stopped by Itachi, his shoulder rudely bumping into his, and he stared into the black Uchiha eyes menacingly for a few moments before stomping off, heading off campus. By the time he hailed a cab, it occurred to him that he still had classes and he almost got out and ran back to the lecture hall to not be late, but decided not to. Any professor on campus already knew to hate him, so skipping class wouldn't be too bad.

And besides, Deidara thought, he needed to go home. He had religiously attended classes for the last few days and it was tiring. Even back in his undergraduate days, very rarely did he not skip class. Old habits died hard, he thought dryly as he paid the taxi driver and climbed out of the cab. Shifting his backpack so it wasn't slipping off his shoulder, he moved his textbooks to his other arm and opened the door to the apartment complex. He gave a curt nod to the receptionist desk and headed upstairs, wondering what he would say to Sasori when he entered the apartment.

Usually he would come home around dinner time, and Sasori would leave some kind of a plate of food out (like he was some kind of a wild animal) and Deidara would take that to his room and do homework. It was rather nice that Sasori left him food so he wouldn't have to find any himself. Small gestures like that gave Deidara hope, but the cold shoulder and glares destroyed that little hope.

The elevator doors opened and it was too soon that he inserted his key and entered, poking his head in first and peering around for signs of the redhead. "Hello, un?"

"Ditching?" came a disjointed and lazy voice from the study, and Deidara instantly frowned as he kicked off his shoes and set his stuff down on the couch. He entered the study, expecting to see Sasori studying away and preparing to yell at him (even though that would probably make him even madder at Deidara), but was surprised to see him working away on a puppet. Sasori didn't look up but somehow Deidara knew that Sasori acknowledged his presence. He approached him and stopped in front of the desk, picking up an arm and looking at it, giving a low whistle that Sasori smirked at.

"Impressed you can display this kind of craftsmanship after not doing this for so long, un."

"It's innate."

Another cold conversation that sent chills down Deidara's spine, wondering if Sasori was angry or not. He carefully replaced the arm and looked at the body that Sasori was working in his hands, currently attaching the other arm to the body. Miscellaneous scraps of fabric laid around and a few carefully cut pieces were draped over his monitor. Picking them up, Deidara couldn't help but let out a laugh. "Danna," the old nickname that became so comfortable was now foreign on his tongue, "You could be a designer, un. I didn't know you were this good with clothing."

"Can't have naked puppets hanging around."

Deidara couldn't make out if the sarcasm was humorous sarcasm or bored and condescending sarcasm. Quite honestly, he wasn't sure if he wanted to know. He fingered the fabric for a few more minutes and replaced it on top of the monitor, lingering by the desk for a few more minutes and watched Sasori worked. He realized he had never seen Sasori work on something; he had seen the finished products and sketches, sure, but never had he seen the great Akasuna actually work on something. And it really was something, to see the intense concentration and nimble fingers, the frown but obvious enjoyment dancing in his eyes. The blonde smiled slightly; this was what Sasori being happy was like.

"Why are you ditching?" Sasori asked without stopping from his work. He didn't exactly want to talk to Deidara, but he felt awkward having the blonde watch him. That, and he actually was rather curious as to why Deidara was ditching.

When he asked the question, Deidara's spirits lifted instantly; he seeked any kind of acknowledgement from Sasori possible, to assuage his fear of being eternally hated by him. "Tired, un. I used to ditch class all the time and I realized I hadn't ditched any yet."

"Have any homework?"

"Yeah, un."

"Go do it."

Deidara wondered if that was Sasori's way of getting rid of him, thus showing that he was irritated, or if he was kidding. But he didn't want to risk it and turned around, taking a few steps before stopping and looking over his shoulder, smiling the first genuine smile in days. "Danna, I'm glad you're happy, un."

It took Sasori a few minutes to hear and register that, but by the time he looked up, he looked up just in time to see the door click shut and the now medicine student disappear. His hands faltered and stopped busying themselves for a minute and he stared at the space where Deidara was standing earlier, frowning slightly. He felt bad for seeming to ignore him, but it wasn't that; it was that it was so sudden. After days of exchanging so few, cold words with each other, they had an actual conversation today and the last line was unprecedented, catching him off guard. In a way, he was glad he didn't have to respond because he still didn't know how to.

Sighing, he put down his puppet and leaned back in his chair.

Danna, I'm glad you're happy.

He couldn't help but smile sadly.

I am. But now you're not.

-X-x-X-

"I pissed off Deidara today."

Heads were raised as well as eyebrows, looking curiously at Itachi. Quiet, serious Itachi, purposely provoking fiery, choleric Deidara? Surely Itachi had to have had a good reason for this, because as far as any of them were concerned, Itachi didn't go around and anger people for the fun of it. They had met together in an attempt to study but that failed miserably. They all had study books out and about, but no work was getting done; more attention was put on the eight boxes of pizza out in front of them, and the company of Hidan, Kakuzu, and Pein. Even without Deidara and Sasori, they could more than easily devour all the pizza. Kisame was the first to speak up, asking what everyone was wondering.

"I'm sure there's a genius reason for this that we're all missing… but why?"

The Uchiha shrugged, flipping another page in his business book that everyone knew he hadn't read a single word of. "It's the only way to make him realize he's not supposed to be a student."

"Heh?" Konan looked up, eyes wide, "What? Why? Did he get expelled already?"

Pein laughed lightly and shook his head at his girlfriend's naivety. "Deidara doesn't like studying. He doesn't like confinements. He doesn't like pressure, being told what to do, having to do something for someone else. Medical school, for him, is worse than hell. But he's making himself do this for Ino."

"Yeah and we all know how Sasori feels about this," Zetsu muttered, grabbing another piece of pizza, "Has anyone talked to him? Or is he planning to kill Deidara and hide the body?"

"Tobi has visited, by Sasori-san told him to kindly fornicate off!"

"Really, Sasori swore? Damn," Hidan muttered lazily, "Must've pissed him off, huh?"

"But Tobi did nothing!"

"Did you show up at his door?"

"Yes…"

"That's what you did."

The silver haired man cackled, rolling over and avoiding the pillow that Tobi childishly chucked, crashing right into Kakuzu. He looked down in disapproval at him, scowling. "Get away from me. It's bad enough you dragged me here."

"Hey, it's not like you were even doing anything at work. Besides, what's better than crashing a college kid's dorm?"

"I don't know. Having a respected job and working instead of bumming around?"

While they bickered, they were unaware of the intense stares from those around them. Ever since that day when they had been interrupted by Deidara's less than graceful entrance, they hadn't been able to meet up and the almost confession had yet to leave their minds. While most of them did a pretty good job of concealing their agitation, Konan was horrible; she learned forward and had to be physically held back by Pein so she didn't topple over.

And Kakuzu knew this. But while he was aware of that, he refused to continue the broken confession right in front of their friends and he knew Hidan felt the same. They weren't shy, but they also didn't like to talk about their feelings, especially feelings like these. And so he ignored the stares, glancing quickly at them and looking back at Hidan to convey the same message. The magenta eyes looked confused for a second but he seemed to get it, for once, and he rolled his eyes, as if to say "really, what do you think of me?"

"Anyway," Kakuzu cleared his throat and turned back to their friends, smirking slightly when they all jumped back, "I think we should get together with Deidara and Sasori soon. I'm worried that their apartment will soon turn into a murder scene."

"That's a great idea!" Konan blurted out, and the irritated look from Itachi didn't escape Kakuzu's eyes, "That's such a good idea! When should we go? And where?"

Kakuzu shrugged nonchalantly. "Wherever both of them would agree to going."

"…" silence pervaded the group and close friends of both stared at each other. Even though they didn't know the other well, what they did know was that they were nothing alike. Sasori liked antique shops and art galleries, Deidara liked loud places and watching things explode. Sasori liked to stay inside in a calm setting and Deidara would much prefer be running around, preferably with a detonator.

There was no single place both of them would enjoy going to.

"Well…" Zetsu frowned, looking around, "…We could go to…"

"Art shop!" Tobi piped up, bouncing happily, "Art shop! Senpai likes art shop and senpai's danna likes the art shop! And the art shop is closing so we should go to the art shop before it closes!"

"You are such an annoying twat when you talk," Hidan muttered, shooting a glare that made Tobi wilt, "Sure they'd like it but what would we do? If we run around and make a mess, Sasori would kill us. If we stand around and do nothing, Deidara would get all pissy like a bitch."

"What about the amusement park?" Konan's eyes lit up and focused in on Hidan and Kakuzu, making them slightly uncomfortable, "And the Ferris Wheel! It's quiet and it goes up high. Wouldn't they both like that?"

"Yeah but they'd have to be close together."

"That's exactly why!" she glared at Pein's raised eyebrow, "And then we can make it stop at the top and then they'll be stuck together and they'll have to confess their undying love and they'll be friends again and—"

"And you just wrote an entire script for a drama in three seconds and it won't work," Pein added dryly, smirking as the others chuckled. Konan glared at Pein again and he shrugged. "But whatever makes you happy and keeps me in my bed."

"Okay!" she lit up and turned back to them, grinning, "The Ferris Wheel it is!"

When the rest of them groaned, Konan held the last box of pizza hostage until they promised they would go.

-X-x-X-

"Deidara."

"What, un?"

Sasori leaned against the doorframe, kicking the door lightly to attract the blonde's attention. Saying his name felt weird; he wanted to call him the nickname he had christened him with, but it didn't feel right to call him that either. Deidara turned around tiredly, bags under his eyes and blue eyes dull. He blinked almost disorientedly and rubbed his eyes every once in a while and past him, Sasori saw a daunting pile of textbooks and homework. A part of him was glad; good, he should suffer. This was what he deserved for being a hypocrite and for betraying him. But at the same time, Sasori felt a twinge of guilt, because he knew how that felt, to live with someone who was so free while you were caged.

The question of whether to order pizza or Chinese was completely out of the question.

"We're going out."

"What, un?"

"Are you stupid?" Sasori snapped, pushing himself off the doorframe, "We're going out."

"…Aren't you mad at me, un?" Deidara asked slowly, frowning, hiding the excitement at the thought of Sasori not being angry anymore.

"Yes," Sasori answered immediately, "But I don't want you to go to the hospital too because you forget to eat. Come on. Let's go." And it was true; he was still mad. The sight of Deidara, the thought of Deidara, the mention of Deidara sickened him. All he could remember was the betrayal he felt and the anger and even now those emotions raged within him. But he cared for him, despite what Sasori acted, for a reason that Sasori had a feeling about but never acknowledged because it was silly. And while he wanted Deidara to suffer, he didn't want him in pain; a paradox that made sense only to Sasori.

The blonde sighed, the excitement disappearing when Sasori declared he was still angry. "Nah, I have a lot of crap to get through, un… why don't we just…"

"I'm not taking no for an answer. You come with me or I'm evicting you."

"What?"

"You heard me. Let's go."

Sasori couldn't help but smirk as Deidara cursed under his breath and stomped past Sasori, grabbing his coat before heading out the door.

-X-x-X-

"Are we going to sit in silence, un?"

"I don't feel like talking."

"But you dragged me out, un."

"To feed you, you stupid animal."

"I am not an animal, un."

"Animalistic by nature, human in appearance."

Deidara scowled and looked down, returning his attention to the menu, as did Sasori. After wandering around for ten minutes in silence, Sasori sighed impatiently and pulled a random door open, ushering Deidara in, not even bothering to look at what cuisine it was. Deidara couldn't help but laugh; even in the most awkward of situations, Sasori's impatience never ceased to reveal itself.

When they sat down, they realized they had wandered into an Italian restaurant, which was lucky, considering a butcher shop was right next door and Sasori could have easily led them in there. But pasta and pizza—that was a good dinner, Deidara decided, his mouth already salivating at the idea of bread. Unbeknownst to him, Sasori glanced over his menu and smirked at the ravenous look on the blonde's face. While his anger hadn't dissipated at all, he wasn't heartless enough to let him starve to death. Being in that position and knowing what an awful position it was, Sasori couldn't stand by and watch Deidara torture himself. He looked down again and scanned his eyes over the menu. He wasn't particularly hungry, to be honest, but hadn't considered that when dragging him out. All that was on his mind was getting Deidara fed. But, he supposed he could order something light and take the rest back home…

"Danna, how long are you going to be mad at me, un?"

Surprised by the question, Sasori looked over the top of his menu again to see Deidara looking at him, menu still open but eyes not on it. Quickly, he brushed off the surprised look and gave a soft smirk, looking down again. "What makes you think I'm mad?"

"I'm not stupid, un. You're pissed as hell and you're only doing this so the police won't have to bother you if I starve to death in your apartment."

"Ah, you are rather bright."

"Seriously, un," he heard a different, almost pleading tone in Deidara's voice, "Are you ever going to forgive me?"

Sasori sighed, feeling Deidara's blue eyes staring at him but he still didn't look up. "I don't know," he said finally, softly. "I can easily tell you that I'll forgive you eventually, but I don't like to lie, and you don't want to be lied to."

"Then you don't have to forgive me because I know I fucked up really badly," Deidara blurted out in a rather uncharacteristic desperate manner, "I just… are you… are we ever going to be friends again, un? Because I don't like… how things are awkward. I don't like the silence and not fighting with you, un. If I wanted someone just to live with, I could move into a dorm at the university. But… I didn't, un." Because I didn't want to be away from you, he wanted to add, but Deidara would keel over dead before uttering those mushy, cliché words to Sasori.

Sasori's eyes flicked up momentarily and he sighed, closing the menu. "You want the truth?"

"Yeah, un." Not really, he thought, seeing the rather annoyed expression gracing his roommate's usually passive features.

"I'm still mad as hell," he began, glaring ice cold daggers into Deidara, "And I don't think I'll ever completely forgive you. Because you didn't only betray me, you also lied to me, two things I can't stand. You were a hypocrite, you put off telling me, and because of you, I made probably one of the stupidest decisions in my life. And every time I look at you, I'm reminded of that, and I can't stand to see you. So in some ways, I'm glad you're going to class, because that gives me time to be by myself and I don't have to see you, because you remind me of how my grandmother sees less of me now. You barged into my life, made a whirlwind, and now everything is messed up and I don't know if I can fix it."

"Uh…" the two glanced at the waitress that stopped by their table and was now looking between them awkwardly, "I'll… bad time?"

"Very."

"Okay um… I'll… come back…"

She padded off and the two looked back at each other, Deidara casting his eyes downward. He tried to keep his composure together but he couldn't help the fidgeting and chewing of his lips, and Sasori could probably hear his pounding heart. It shattered him, it really did, that speech of never forgiving him, of blaming him, of seeing him and hating it. He didn't want to be hated by Sasori. He liked him, a lot, Deidara had to add, and he would have anything rather than have Sasori hate him, even being rejected and ridiculed.

"So…"

"But," Sasori sighed and spoke again, as if Deidara never said anything and the blonde looked up in surprise, "I can't hate you. I can't. I don't know why, but every time I look at you, I don't feel hatred. Annoyance, anger, irritation to all the most extreme levels. Seeing you makes me want to punch you, shake you, yell at you. But I don't hate you," he shrugged and took a sip of water, even smiling slightly across the table, "I don't hate you. I can't promise you I'll forgive you, but… I see no harm in conversing as we did prior to this incident. I will harbor negative feelings towards you, but I do admit, I miss your company."

He watched Deidara blinked slowly for a few minutes before his face seemed to expand with relief. A wide smile, the biggest and most genuine Sasori had seen in a while, spread across his cheeks and he let out a sigh of relief, bringing a hand up and scratching the back of his head awkwardly as he said something, laughing while he said it. Sasori shrugged and laid his menu out on the table, lifting a hand to beckon the waitress from earlier, and the two told her what they wanted.

Sasori had lied, and he kept thinking about that the entire dinner. It kept nagging at him because he hated to lie, yet he did it anyway. He said he didn't hate Deidara and he didn't know why, but he did. It was also the reason that he was willing to reestablish their friendship, melting the ice between them. The thought of acting like nothing ever happened repulsed him, because he would be living a lie, but a part of him wanted so desperately to be with Deidara, because deep down, though he didn't want to admit it, he missed the company and craved it.

Because without Deidara, he lacked the energy, the luster, the vibrancy in his life. The fights, the random comments, everything that Deidara brought into his life was gone suddenly and his life felt so empty and barren without it. Sasori liked to understand everything and have clear boundaries, but Deidara hazed those boundaries. He was mad at him but wanted him in his life, looking at him made him irritated but not looking at him depressed him, the idea of living with him was intolerable but the idea of him moving out was heart wrenching. It was like he disliked him so severely but couldn't imagine going back to a life of solitude. These mixed feelings towards him confused Sasori greatly, but he brushed them off easily, letting his innermost feelings deal with them.

After dinner, they each paid their own separate bill and left the restaurant, beginning the walk home in the cold night weather. It was like things were finally back to normal: Sasori walked along nonchalantly, occasionally smirking as Deidara talked about whatever popped into his mind. But they both felt this sense of fakeness. They both knew this peace wasn't genuine. Things weren't the same and they never would be; Sasori was angry, Deidara was guilty, and they couldn't just push that aside. They could pretend all they wanted, sure, but they couldn't pretend Deidara didn't do what he did and that Sasori didn't feel what he did.

As Deidara began to ramble about how they were going to get to cut open a cadaver soon, he stopped mid sentence. Sasori looked at him curiously and then felt the reason for Deidara's suddenly and abrupt silence as a single rain drop hit him. He groaned softly and looked at the sidewalk, watching it being dotted by the drops of rain, slowly speeding up and with greater intensity. Sighing, he stepped to the side under an extended roof a building and turned to Deidara to beckon him over and suggest waiting out the rain. But not only did the drizzle become a torrential downpour, Deidara didn't seem nearly as annoyed as Sasori had been. This should have been expected because they were, after all, opposites, but Sasori still couldn't help but be surprised.

He looked so happy.

Blissfully happy, uncaged, freed. Freed while in med school, smiling while burdened by books, laughing after losing everything he wanted. And so Sasori stood there, watching the blonde stand in the rain, closing his eyes and welcoming it. Sasori wanted to scold him, tell him that standing in the rain was stupid and would lead to him catching another flu and Sasori didn't feel like taking care of him again. His hair was plastered to his face and his clothes stuck to him like a second skin, but Sasori didn't have the heart to make him stop smiling so genuinely.

"Danna, isn't it nice, un?"

"Right, whatever you say."

Deidara laughed and Sasori couldn't help but smile genuinely in response, another rare smile that was only coaxed out by Deidara. He leaned back against the wall, watching Deidara enjoy himself in the rain. Maybe it was because he just ate or because Sasori had "forgiven" him, but he looked happier than he had in ages. The last time Sasori had seen his roommate this happy was at the art show. He would never forget that elated expression of pure, unadultered joy as he watched his "art."

The fact that his heart beat quickly and his smile widened didn't confuse Sasori. Not one bit. Because what Sasori had come to terms with long ago was that he liked him. He hadn't formulated those words, but he recognized it. In some way, he knew he liked Deidara but he never admitted it to himself for whatever reason. But now, watching him in the rain, as happy as he ever was, Sasori smirked, testing the words out.

I like him.

I like him.

I like him.

They felt awkward and forced at first, but as he repeated them, the words became smooth and made his heart flutter, as much as he hated to admit. He kept repeating them like a rhythm in his head until he became accustomed to them. They soon felt so natural and every time he thought them, his stomach did flips and it took everything for him to not lose composure.

I like him.

I like him.

I like him.

He decided to whisper it, because it was one thing to say something and another to think it. Thoughts were private, so incredibly private, so it was easier admitting it to himself than it would be out loud. It didn't even have to be loud, but the idea of knowing that Deidara could hear him if he was close enough gave him an adrenaline thrill.

"I like him."

The words rolled softly, quietly off of his tongue, and a warm glow settled within him for admitting it. Now it seemed "official" and real, he was officially "in like" with Deidara and although it would be bothersome, annoying, tiring, and stupid, he couldn't help but smile, eventually caving in to Deidara's request for Sasori to join him out in the rain. The redhead pushed himself off the wall and walked into the rain, at first scowling at getting wet but when Deidara flung water that had gathered in a rather large leaf from a tree, effectively almost drenching Sasori, the redhead caved in and they were soon trying to splash each other, the sounds of their laughter in the lonely streets echoing and mingling with the rain.

Sasori had wondered why he liked Deidara, even though he never truly recognized and acknowledged the feelings. Perhaps that was why he let him stay in the apartment, why he didn't permanently cast him out, why he was willing to "forgive" him, why he still wanted the friendship, why he cared if Deidara was hurt. Why he felt that overwhelming sense of guilt when he was hurt and why he became angry when he thought of Ino and how she forced him into this.

But those seemed to be all consequences of liking him. The actual reasons were much more muddled. His spontaneity? His recklessness? His rebellious attitude? His stupidity, his bluntness, his optimism? So many things Sasori thought he hated became things he liked in Deidara and he couldn't pinpoint a reason why he liked him.

All that matter, however, was that he liked him, so much, very much, incredibly much.

Author's Notes: Lackluster chapter after a long wait… I'm sorry! Yeah, that's all I have. Thank you for reading, please review!