The Mormfongs

Had a brilliant night out last night with very dear friend who I rarely see these days. Got a touch pissed. Realized that I smoke too much.

You guys are amazing. You really do warm the cockles of my heart. Serinal, LoveLiterature, brilliant incandescence, Rutu, Raven-of-the-forests, Meridas, Sparkling Soul, WizardWay, Kimmimaru, and livi harkness... I adore you all. xXxXxXx

Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling, PRAISE HER.

Some people think they're always right, others are quiet and uptight, others, they seem so very nice, nice, nice, nice, oh, inside they might feel sad and wrong.

(-)

After two weeks, Sirius's habit of setting fire to James's homework mostly ceased, and balance was restored in the group.

The revelation of Remus's secret led to a calmer, more mature atmosphere in the dormitory... for some of the time.

"So, I was thinking, for Sirius's birthday," began James. He was in the bathroom with Remus, drinking tea as Remus brushed his teeth. "I have no idea of what to get him as a present. You?"

"I was going to go with a rock again," Remus admitted.

"A fine plan, but I was musing my brains last night, and came to the idea of perhaps playing a prank on the entire school. What better way to cheer up our dear Sirius than to cause suffering and misery to innocent students?"

Remus frowned. "A harmless prank I will aid you with."

"Ah. Yes. Harmless. Of course." James winked.

"Don't wink at me; I mean it."

"OK, ideas for a harmless prank, dear Remmy?"

"Well..." Remus considered his toothbrush thoughtfully. "There is one, I suppose..."

(-)

Sirius's birthday began very unassumingly; comprising of present-giving of small, simple, yet personal gifts, and a small tea party.

All was well, until the four boys left the dormitory, when Sirius realized that something terribly odd was occurring.

James was walking down the staircase in front of him, and his footprints were marked with... paw-prints. As were Peter's. And Remus's. And his own.

Sirius checked the soles of his shoes, but there was no obvious change to them. He touched his finger to one of the paw-prints, but it was dry and smooth to the touch. He stared at Remus, silently demanding an answer, but merely received a wink in response.

"Remus, you cruel, cruel non-teenager."

Their journey down to the Great Hall for breakfast confirmed to the confused birthday boy that everyone was leaving trails of paw-prints in their wakes, including the teachers.

Professor McGonagall strode over to their end of the table, looking positively annoyed. "Boys, what is the meaning of this?"

"Oh, Miss, it's harmless fun!" Sirius declared, thickly buttering a crumpet.

She turned her piercing gaze onto him. "Congratulations, Mr Black, you are now prime suspect in this ridiculous mischief."

"He's not responsible!" James protested.

"It was us," said Remus, glumly, resenting his own mind for concocting the prank in the first place.

"Yeah," added Peter, after receiving a look from James.

"Oh, that's right, edge me out of this brilliance!" Sirius grumbled, sounding genuinely disappointed.

"And how long will these things last?" Professor McGonagall demanded.

"Just for the day, Professor," Remus assured her.

"They'd better not last longer, else you'll all be scrubbing the floors for detention," she warned.

James saluted her with a piece of toast.

(-)

"Remus, that was brilliant!" Sirius declared, flopping down onto his mattress contentedly.

"Quite so," James agreed, flinging his tie into a corner, and kicking off his shoes. His robes merged with Peter's hangings, and his jumper hit the window. "I'm going to grab a shower. Then I've got a surprise for you eager little buggers." He disappeared into the bathroom, leaving a trail of his school shirt, trousers, and socks.

"More surprises?" Sirius inquired.

"Nothing to do with me," said Peter.

"Nor me," added Remus, perching on the window ledge next to James's jumper.

"I'm worried," said Sirius. "Remus, that spell was amazing. You'll have to teach me."

"I'll lend you the book," said Remus, brightly.

"Can't you just... write down the incantation?"

"Book or nothing."

"But it's my birthday!"

"Book or nothing."

"Then nothing, you grumpy werewolf," said Sirius, sulkily.

Remus smiled, and Sirius's stormy sea eyes twinkled.

James burst back into the dormitory, wearing broomstick-printed boxers.

Sirius threw a shirt at him. "Potter, it's October. Dress accordingly."

James dragged the t-shirt on, and rifled under his bed for a while, before pulling out four bottles of butterbeer. "So, Mum and Dad sent us some goodies..."

(-)

Less than three weeks later was Remus's first moon since the others found out his secret.

Sirius insisted on accompanied the reluctant werewolf to the hospital wing at lunch time, and shamelessly begged Madam Pomfrey to let him go with them to the Whomping Willow, but was steadfastly refused by the matron.

"Certainly not, Mr Black. You are to return to your lessons this instant. Remus is quite safe in my care."

"But you don't-"

"Don't you believe my training to be sufficient, Mr Black?" she demanded.

"Yeah, but-"

"Do you believe that you could help him more than I can, medically?"

"No, but-"

"And do you wish for me to place you in detention and refuse you admission to the hospital wing as a visitor for the rest of your school career?"

"You can't-"

"Believe me, Mr Black, I can. Now, OUT."

(-)

"Remus, that woman is a grouchy hag. I don't know why you speak so highly of her." Sirius was kneeling on the floor of the hospital wing the following morning, his chin perched atop Remus's blankets in a puppy-like manner.

"She looks after me very well," Remus argued tiredly.

"Well, I had to help her to change beds before she let me see you this morning," Sirius complained. He pulled a slightly squashed chocolate frog out of his pocket, and pressed it into Remus's palm. "There you go, Rem. Chocolate solves everything."

"Correct. Full marks."

Sirius beamed. "James took Trans notes for you, and Evans took Charms for you."

Remus looked surprised. "Lily? Really?"

"Yeah, she's top of the class, so she offered." Sirius pulled a few sheets of parchment from his bag, and put them on the bedside table. "How was it?"

"Hm?"

"Last night."

"Oh. It was... alright. Nothing too bad."

"But you look so... drained," Sirius protested.

"Oh, Sirius, you mustn't worry about me," Remus said. "Go to breakfast, or else you'll be late to Potions."

"Will you be back this evening?"

"Probably. I expect so."

"I'll bring you back some dinner," Sirius promised. "I dread to think what Matron feeds you..." He stood up, slung his bag over his shoulder, and awkwardly patted Remus on the head. "Snooze well, Moony. See you later."

(-)

True to his word, Remus returned to the dorm while the others were at dinner, and settled on the window ledge, wrapped in a blanket with a book and a cup of tea.

When the others returned, they moved onto the floor -cushioned by blankets and pillows- and shared a cosy picnic with hot chocolate, pumpkin pasties, and chunks of apple cake.

Sirius gave Remus his notebook from Potions and Herbology to copy from, and loyally stayed up with him.

While Remus steadily made notes of Sirius's notes, Sirius decorated the wall paper of his corner of the dorm with peppered paw-prints of variable sizes.

Later that night, Remus returned Sirius's textbook, and said goodnight.

Sirius flicked through the pages of his book, rediscovering little quotes in Remus's precise handwriting:

Dreams are the answers to tomorrow's questions

Would you like to hear my poem about a salt shaker?

Marauder → a bandit, outlaw, raider or such like, who moves about in a roving fashion looking for plunder.

The bigger the group, the safer the group, but the more problematic the group.

Ananke → the Greek word for inevitability

Happy 13th Birthday Sirius! PAWPRINTS!

Your notes are appalling, puppy. But thanks!

SMILE, it's Tuesday!

Sirius smiled to himself, and retired to bed.

(-)

"EVERYONE HAS GONE MAD!"

James and Sirius burst back into the dorm, after venturing down to the common room in search of James's right shoe.

It was the morning of October 31st 1972, and most of the elder Gryffindor students were in costumes in honour of Halloween celebrations.

"REMUS! PETER! We NEED to dress up!" James yelled.

"We need a theme! We need a theme!" Sirius chanted excitedly. "REMUS! Think for me; my mind is muddled!"

"Theme us, oh Remmy dearest!" James begged.

A very disgruntled Remus poked his head out of the bathroom. "We don't have time to make costumes."

"Magic!" Sirius shouted.

The Third Years above them banged on their floor, making the ceiling shake.

"SORRY!" James bellowed.

"Shut UP!" came the slightly muffled reply, but the request was clear.

"Remus, theme us! Remus, theme us! Remus, them us!" Sirius chanted, jumping on James's bed.

Remus rolled his eyes, and went to the sink to spit out his toothpaste.

"Sirius, your breath stinks," noted James.

"Excuse me?"

"Garlic from last night," said Peter.

"Garlic?" Sirius's face lit up at the word. "REMUS! GARLIC!"

"FUCK YOUR FUCKING GARLIC! WE DON'T START OUR LESSONS UNTIL FUCKING NOON, YOU BERKS!" came a different voice from above them.

"How fucking rude," muttered Sirius. "Remus!"

Remus reappeared in the dorm, fixing his tie. "Hmm?"

"Garlic. French. Make me French!" Sirius spread his arms wide, his eyes closed, as though expecting Remus to 'make him French' with a simple charm.

"Do you have a striped shirt?" Remus inquired.

"No. Colour me!"

Remus reluctantly obeyed, and James transfigured a beret from a sock. Peter offered up his 'vampire protection': a string of onions and garlic, which Remus tied into a necklace for Sirius.

"Say something French!" James demanded.

"Er... bonjour!"

"Authentic," Remus muttered.

"James, you shall be... Hawaiian!" Sirius declared, "Peter shall be German, and Remus shall be... a leprechaun!"

"What? No! I'm a werewolf, not an elf!"

"Surf's up, dudes!" James jumped up onto his bed, and began to 'surf', while Sirius hummed the Hawaii-5.0 theme.

"How am I meant to be German?" Peter asked.

"Remus, dear, fashion our fellow some lederhosen , please," said Sirius, perching his beret jauntily upon his head. "I have some braces that he can borrow."

Remus tapped Peter's pyjama-clad leg with his wand, and Peter squealed as his trousers shrunk and shortened, changing to leather. Oddly, his socks were appropriate for the occasion without change.

James, meanwhile, was trying to colour-change his school shirt into a flower-print monstrosity, to little success. It was currently an odd, sickly green colour, and had the texture of canvas. Remus tapped it to get the desired effect, and James happily pulled on his swimming shorts and a pair of neon green flip-flops. Sirius tapped his glasses, and the frames grew thick and star-shaped, while the lenses grew darker.

The German, Hawaiian, and Frenchman stared at Remus the school boy, before descending upon him.

When Remus was sent down as a scout to the common room, entirely green, no one even glanced twice.

But Madam Pomfrey was not impressed with James's skin-dying charm, which left Remus looking comically sickly for the next two weeks.

(-)

Mormfongs: [Moony Wormtail Padfoot Prongs]

The Strokes: You Only Live Once

(-)

Any thoughts my lovelies? And for you WolfStar shippers, check out my new story: Love, Lettuce and Locke's Single Malt. It's set in a restaurant and Remus is a chef and wears checkered trousers SWOON.

xxxx