Fanfiction FourXII: Don't Worry, Get Violent.
Daria and Jane sat in the back of the Tank II with the slumbering Max and Nick. Trent was
driving to the Zen and Jesse had shotgun. "So, Jane," said Daria. "Figured out what you're gonna
do with your 7 million?"
"That's gonna buy a lot of art supplies." she answered. "I put most of it away for now. You?"
"Same. It'll more than get me through college and when I turn 18 at the end of summer I can
play the market a little. I see Trent's already spent some of his." She eyed a custom built Les Paul.
"Jesse insisted that Danny take a couple million and save it for college. He's a smart kid, Danny.
He could go to MIT if he wanted. Jesse also made a donation to breast cancer research. I'm trying to find
a worthy charity myself. Too many to choose from."
"Red Cross is good, I guess."
"Know something, Daria?" said Jane. "Ever since me and Trent rescued our parents, they've
been around more. Dad says he won't travel any more than he has to for his job and Mom's been
acting like-well-a mom. Better late than never, I guess."
When they got to the Zen, one of the security guards greeted them. "You won't be setting up
tonight." he said a bit apologetically. "The boss is tryin' something new- Karioke night."
"Anyone for watching people make fools of themselves on stage?" asked Daria. It sounded like
a good idea. They all went in. Up on stage, Kevin and Brittany were mauling "I Got You Babe."
"They say we're young and we don't know," squeaked Brittany. "Won't find out until we grow."
"Well I...don't kuh-now if all...that's t-true," Kevin struggled to read the monitor. "Cuz
you got me and baby I got you....Babe."
"It's enough to make Sonny Bono turn over in his grave." sighed Trent.
"Hopefully," said Daria. "This song will do for them what it did for Sonny and Cher."
"Um, but, Sonny and Cher got divorced." said Trent.
"Precisely." Daria said.
Kevin and Brittany continued to mangle the song. "I got flo-flowers in the sssprring. I got
you to wee-are my r-ring."
"And when I'm sad, you're a clown." Brittany crooned.
"He's always a clown." Jane comented.
"And if I get scared, you're always arooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuund!" Everyone in the
club shuddered at the screaching high note the cheerleader hit.
They sat at the bar. "Four Cokes." Trent told the bartender.
"That's what happens when you date underaged girls." Max remarked. "You start to drink like one."
"Max," Trent said warningly and nodded towards Jesse.
"Oh, sorry Jess." said Max.
"It's cool." he replied.
"I'll have a Michelobe." said Nick.
"You would." said Max. "I'm having Coors."
"What's wrong with Michelobe?"
"It's a pansy drink, that's what's wrong!"
"Only backwoods red-necks drink Coors."
"Better a red-neck than a pansy!"
"Red-neck!"
"Pansy!"
"Will you guys just shut up and drink your beers before they go flat?" Trent suggested.
Kevin and Brittany finished the song. A new girl got on stage and said "My name's Shirly Orson
and I wanna dedicate this song to my no good ex-boyfriend Tom Sloan and any poor girl that might be
thinking of becoming his new girlfriend." She took a deep breath and belted out "Goldfinger, He's the
man, the man with the Midas touch. A spider's touch. Such a cold finger. Beckons you, to enter his web
of sin. But don't go in. Golden words he will pour in your ear, but his lies can't disguise what you
fear. For a golden girl knows when he's kissed her, it's the kiss of death, from Mr. Goldfinger."
"Speaking of gold," said Jane, not realizing the heartbreak she escaped in this reality.
"Have you guys decided what to do with your millions?"
"They're gonna give it all to me." Max said facetiously.
"You wish." said Trent. "Actually-um- Jesse and me have talked about-something."
Is it just my imagination, thought Daria. Or is Trent blushing?
"This heart is cold!" sang Shirly. "He loves only gold! Only gold! He loves gold! He loves
only gold! Only gold!"
"OK, we get it." said Jane. "He loves gold."
Shirly took a bow and handed the mike to Jodi. "My name is Jodi Landon and I want to dedicate
this song to my boyfriend Michael McKenzie, because he's so great at putting up with me." The music started. She sang "For all those times you stood by me. For all the truth that you made me see. For all the joy you brought to my life. For all the wrong that you made right. For every dream you made come true. For all the love I found in you. I'll be forever thankful baby. You're the one who held me up. Never let me fall. You're the one who saw me through it all."
"Um, Jane." said Jesse. "Could you go somewhere with me?"
"Where?"
"Um, over there?" He pointed out a secluded corner of the club.
"Sure." she shrugged and got off the barstool. "Don't wait up for me." she told Daria.
"OK, boys." Trent told Max and Nick. "Take a hike."
"Man," groused Max. "Guy gets a girl, he don't want his pals around no more." The two left.
"Um, Daria?" he said once they were (semi) alone.
Is he blushing again? "Yes?"
"Daria, when we we're doing /Slashers/, I learned something. I learned that life is short,
fragile and precious."
Great. thought Daria. Now comes the part where he tells me that because life is short he
wants to date other girls.
"I've been thinking about this a long time, how I'd say it without sounding cliched, how
you'd answer. I might as well just say it. Daria, will you marry me?"
Daria had to do a double take. "What?"
"I did it wrong, didn't I? I'm supposed to get on one knee, right?" He got off his barstool
and knealed down.
"Trent, you don't need to."
He pulled a jewel box out of his pocket and opened it. It held a gold ring with a dazzling
diamond. "Daria, will you..."
"Yes!" Trent stood and took her in his arms. She put the ring on. "Trent," she said. "You
understand I wanna finish my senior year first, right?"
"I can wait just as long as you can." They held each other to the end of the song.
Meanwhile, Jesse and Jane listened to the song. "You were my strength when I was weak. You
were my voice when I couldn't speak. You were my eyes when I couldn't see. You saw the best there
was in me."
"Who knew Jodi was such a good singer?" said Jane.
"Yeah." said Jesse. "Um, Jane?"
"Yes?"
Jesse gulped the knot in his throat. "Um, um...."
"What is it?"
"Did it suddenly get hot in here?" He could feel sweat forming on his brow.
"No, Jesse, it's just you."
"Jane, I, would, um..." He reached in his pocket and wordlessly gave her a jewelbox.
"Jesse, is this what I think it is?"
"Uh-huh." He blushed.
Jane opened the box to find a gold ring with an opal and an emerald. "Our birthstones." she said.
"The lady at the store said opals mean 'hope' and emeralds mean 'love'."
Jane put the ring on. "Jesse, I'll marry you."
"Cool." He smiled and took her in his arms.
At the end of the song, Jane and Jesse returned to the bar. Jane noticed the diamond sparkling
on Daria's finger. "You, too?" she asked, showing her own ring.
"Looks like we're all engaged." said Daria.
"Told you you could do it." Trent told Jesse.
"You knew?" asked Jane.
"We kinda ran into each other at the jewelry store." said Trent. "Hey, Daria, want me to
dedicate a song for you?"
"If you want to."
"Jesse," said Jane. "Would you do a song for me?"
"I don't do solos." Jesse said, taking another sip of Coke.
"Jesse," said Trent. "You've really gotta put that incident in chorus behind you."
Quinn and the fashion club were now on stage. "Yo, I tell you what I want, what I really really want." she sang.
"So tell me what you want, what you really really want." sang the rest of the girls.
"Trent," said Daria. "That's going to be your sister-in-law. Still wanna get married?"
"Hmmm....Yeah."he decided.
"May we sit here now?" Max asked, approaching with Nick in tow.
"Sure." said Trent. "It wasn't personal. I just wanted to be alone when I popped the question."
"You two are getting married?" asked Nick.
"All four of us." Jane showed her ring.
"Well, whadya know." said Max. "Our two buddies are getting hooked up to the ball and chain."
"Can I be the best man?" asked Nick.
"No." said Max. "I'm the best man."
"The hell you say!"
"Alright, shut up, both of you." said Trent. "One of you can be my best man the other can
be Jesse's best man. Can't you go five minutes without fighting?" He shook his head. "Anyway, Jesse
and I have been talking. We wanna know what you girls think. After we're married we can pool our
money together and move into one of those fancy penthouses in New York. They're pricy, but still far
less than 28 mil. If Max and Nick wanna move to New York we can really get the band started and you
girls could go to college or whatever."
"I don't mind going to New York." said Max. "It'll get me out of my parents house."
"And I've been dying to get the hell away from my mom." said Nick. "Unfortunatly, I'll probably
be stuck with Max as a roommate."
"I've always wanted to go to New York." said Jane. "It's a great place for an artist to live."
"I hear NYU is a good school." said Daria.
"Well," said Trent. "Now that we've got the future planned out, I've got a song to do."
Trent picked out a song and took the stage. "This one's for my girl-I mean, fiancee, Daria
Morgendorfer." A loud Def Leppard number started. Trent sang "Step inside, walk this way. You and
me babe, hey, hey! Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on. Livin' like a lover with a radar phone.
Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp. Demolition woman, can I be your man?"
"Not too romantic, I'm affraid." said Jane. Daria wasn't listening to her. She was enrapt
by Trent's singing, or rather, the way he was singing. He put his whole body into the song, gyrating
to the beat.
"Hey! C'mon, take a bottle." he sang. "Shake it up. Break the bubble. Break it up. Pour some
sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love. Pour some sugar on me. C'mon fire me up. Pour your sugar on
me. Oh, I can't get enough. I'm hot, sticky sweet. From my head to my feet yeah."
"Hey, little Miss Innocent," Jane said to Daria. "Close your mouth. Flies are getting in."
"You got the peaches, I got the cream." Trent sang. "Sweet to taste, saccharine. Cuz I'm hot,
say what, sticky sweet from my head, my head, to my feet." He finished the last chorus and came back
to the bar.
"Trent," said Daria. "I want you and I want you right now."
"Um, OK." They went off to the Tank II for some private time.
"So, Jesse." said Jane. "Having second thoughts about going on stage?"
Jane was surprised by the next person who came on stage. "Hello!" he said cheerfully. "My
name is Timothy O'Niel and I'm dedicating this song to each and every one of you!" He began to
sing "Here's a little song I wrote. You might wanna sing it note for note."
"Didn't Bobby McFerrin write this?" asked Jesse. In a few minutes, the writer of the song
didn't matter to him.
"Don't worry." sang O'Neil. "Be happy. In every life we have some trouble. When you worry
you make it double. Don't worry, be happy. Don't worry, be happy now."
Out side in the parking lot the Tank II bounced up and down furiously. Gradually it stopped.
Inside, Trent disposed of a used condom in the trash bag they kept up front. He returned to Daria's
arms."That was great." he said, holding her close. "I'll give you a quarter back tomorrow. I gotta
start remembering to keep change on me."
"Forget it." said Daria. "We both needed the condom. I don't want to get pregnant."
Trent held her and kissed her forehead. "God, I love you so much."
"I love you too, Trent." she said. "I'm looking forward to a lifetime with you."
"You think the others are starting to miss us?"
"How long have we been gone?"
Trent found his watch. "About...2 hours maybe."
"Damn. Talk about stamina."
"Foreplay really does help. We better get dressed and see if they're ready to leave. There's
only so much karioke you can take in one night."
They went in to find Jane and Jesse on stage together.
"Don't go breaking my heart." Jesse sang.
"You take the weight off me." Jane sang.
"Honey when you knock on my door." Jesse gave her a rather sappy look.
"I gave you my key." Fortunatly, the lyrics were short enough for Jane to sing without
causing to much of a cacaphony.
"If I didn't know better," sid Trent. "I'd say Jesse took a swig of liquid courage before
hitting the stage."
"You don't think he did?"
"Jesse doesn't drink. At all. The smell reminds him too much of his dad and stuff."
"Jane's usually not to keen on singing either. She kinda sucks at it."
"No one seems to care." Trent shrugged. In fact, everyone in the club was wearing a strange grin.
"Oh, don't go breaking my heart, Janey." Jesse sang.
"I won't go breaking your heart." she answered.
They came off stage and approached Daria and Trent. "Trent!" Jesse seized him in a bear hug.
"I love you, man!"
"Uh, Jess," said an embarassed Trent. "We're in public."
"And I love you, Daria!" Jane exclaimed as she embraced Daria.
"Um, Yeah. I-uh-love you too."
"Uh, Jesse," Trent grunted. "You mind letting go?" Jesse's bear hug was just a little too
tight. He doesn't smell like he's been drinking. Trent thought. But he's definatly acting like it.
Nick and Max were on stage now. "You've got a friend in me." they sang. "You've got a friend in me."
"You've got troubles." sang Max. "then I've got 'em too. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you."
"We stick together." sang Nick. "we can see it through. Cuz you got a friend in me."
"Yes you do!" sang Max.
"Yeah you got a friend in me." they both sang.
"Oh no." Daria deadpanned. "It's the first sign of the appocolypse."
"Some folks might be," Max sang. "a little bit smarter than I am."
"That's a given." Daria remarked.
"Bigger and stronger too." Max continued.
"Maybe." Nick conceded.
"But none of them will ever love you the way I do."
"OK, this is getting disturbing." said Trent.
After their song was over the group left. "Why so glum, Daria?" asked Jane.
"I'm not glum. This is how I always look."
"Daria, you just got engaged and laid! Cheer up, have some fun!"
"Uh, Jane," Daria blushed.
"Just so you all know," said Trent. "I'm the designated driver tonight."
"Whatever makes you happy, man." said Max.
"Hey, Max," said Nick. "Did I tell you how much I love you today?"
Trent and Daria shared a worried look. "Jess," said Trent. "Please, please tell me you didn't
get my sister high on anything."
"Trent," said Jane. "The only thing I'm high on is the joy of life!"
Jesse took Jane in his arms and danced around the parking lot with her. "We're young, we're
rich, we're in love!" he declared. "Who wouldn't be happy?"
"Can he stay the night?" asked Jane.
"Uh, I guess." said Trent. "Max, is it cool if I crash at your place tonight?"
"Everything's cool, man!"
Trent drove Nick home. Mrs. Campbell was waiting. "Just where the hell have you been?" she
demanded. "Out all night with those heathen friends of yours, and..."
"I love you, Mama!" He shocked her with a big hug and kiss.
Trent dropped Jesse and Jane off at Casa Lane. Jesse scooped Jane up in his arms and ran
inside with her. Trent took Daria home and walked her to her door. "Sure wish I could come up
with you." he said.
"My parents would flip. As it is, my Dad's gonna have a coranary when I tell him we're engaged."
He took her in his arms and kissed her for a long time. "Here's Max's number." He scribbled
the number on a wrapper he found in his pocket. "Call me tomorrow."
The next morning seemed like a typical Saturday morning in the Morgendorfer house. Daria came
downstairs to get something to eat. Jake was behind his newspaper. Helen was on the phone with Eric.
They ignored her as she fixed a couple of Pop-Tarts. Quinn came downstairs. "Good morning, beautiful
family!" she chirruped. She gave Daria a hug. "How's my wonderful big sister?"
"I'm terribly sorry. I must have came home to the wrong house last night."
"I'll talk to you later, Eric." Helen hung up. "So, what did you girls do last night?"
"The Fashion Club and I did Karioke." said Quinn. 'It was loads of fun!"
"Gah!" injected Jake. "You did what? Is karioke some new kinda drug?"
"No, Daddy!" Quinn laughed. "We sang a bunch of Spice Girl songs."
"Trent asked me to marry him." Daria deadpanned.
Jake, who had taken a sip of coffee, did a spit take. "Daria," said Helen. "Don't tease your
father. You know how delicate his heart condition is."
Daria showed her mother the ring. Helen was noticeably surprised. "Daria, I'm not sure if
marrying Trent would be a good idea. You're both so young and he doesn't even have a job."
"Mom, I did some research. You were 19 when you married Dad. I will be 18 at the end of
summer and there won't be anything you can do to controll my life anymore."
"Let me see that ring." Helen scratched a drinking glass with the diamond. It made a cut.
"Where did he get the money for a real diamond?"
"It was prize money from /Slashers/."
"Not that horrible Japanese show where they slice people up!" cried Jake.
"The same. Didn't you get my note? I had to go save Aunt Amy."
"Oops!" giggled Quinn. "I musta lost it."
"You lost a note saying your sister might be getting killed in Tokyo?" said an exasperated
Helen. "You're grounded for a month, young lady!"
"OK." Daria was shocked. Quinn accepting a punishment, and smiling about it?
"How much money was it?" asked Helen.
"Seven million for each of us."
"Sev-sev-sev," Helen stammered. Was her own daughter now richer than her? "Daria, maybe I
was to hasty saying you shouldn't marry Trent. He's a fine upstanding young man."
"A fine upstanding /rich/ man, you mean. Boy, your attitude towards him changed dramatically
when I said he had money."
"Daria, I just know he'll make you happy. Now, let's make some plans. Quinn will be your
maid-of-honor of course, and it's only polite to ask your cousin Erin to be a bridesmaid too."
"Wow!" said Quinn. "I can give her a make-over!"
"Whoa, hold on Mom. If anyone's going to be my maid-of-honor it's going to be Jane. And I
don't want that bitch Erin anywhere near my wedding."
"Daria, you listen..."
No, Mom, you listen! I've taken your bullshit for almost 18 years and I'm fucking sick of
it! You can't micromanage my life anymore! So this is how it's going to be. I'm gonna finish high
school, marry Trent, move the hell away from all of you to New York, attend NYU, and continue being
the Phantom while I'm at it. /And I don't want a fucking make-over!/"
"But you'd look so pretty!" Quinn said cheerily.
"Oh, by the way, Miss Sunshine. Jesse and Jane are getting married too."
"Yay!" said Quinn. "I'm so happy for them."
"Don't you still have that Hercules shrine in your room?"
"Yeah, but if he's happy, I'm happy."
"I'm going to Jane's." Daria said, disgusted. She left.
"So," said Quinn. "Who wants cupcakes?"
Daria went to Jane's house. No one answered the door so she let herself in and went upstairs.
She could hear Jane humming merrily in her room. She went in. Jane was at her easle and Jesse was in
her bed, asleep. Jane smiled and waved. "Isn't he just precious when he's asleep?"
"Um, he's not wearing anything under the blankets, is he."
"Oh, Daria, you have to get over these hang-ups about the human body. It's something beautiful
to be celebrated. Check out these charcoal sketches I've made of him over the past few months." Jane gave Daria a sketch pad. The contents were nude figure drawings of Jesse. The first few were semi-modest; a bent leg hid the naughty bits, his gaze was averted. Gradually, it seemed both artist and model were getting bolder. The last two made Daria blush.
"Um, they- really burst off the picture plane." she said, closing the book.
"What can I say?" Jane shrugged. "He's Dora Maar to my Picasso, Gala to my Dali, Rose to
my Jack." She went back to painting. Daria looked at the canvas. Jane had painted a pastel rainbow.
"Jane, something weird is going on. My sister was acting more annoyingly cheerful than ever.
She seemed glad you and Jesse were getting married and didn't even get upset when Mom grounded her
for not telling her I was on /Slashers/."
"Oh, Daria, you're the only person I know who would worry about people being happy."
Jesse woke up. "Good morning." he said with a pleasant smile.
"Uh, I'll just..." Before Daria could say anything else, Jesse got out of bed-stark naked-
and gave Jane a hug. "Um, yeah." Daria blushed and shielded her eyes.
"Something wrong, Daria?" asked Jesse.
"Uh, no, I just gotta go."
"How 'bout a hug?"
"NO!" Daria got out of the room fast and went to Trent's room. She dialed the number he gave her.
"Hello!" Max answered cheerfully.
"Max, is Trent up yet?"
"I got him to rise and shine and eat some waffles. Wanna talk to him?"
"Yeah."
"Hey, Daria." said Trent.
"Trent, can you come pick me up? I'm at your house and Jane and Jesse are acting really weird."
"Probably slobbering all over each other. Hang on, I'll be right there."
Daria hung up the phone and felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned to see Jesse, still naked.
"Eep!" she squeaked and covered her eyes.
"Daria," he said. "Janey and I are gonna go pick some daisies. Wanna come with?"
"Uh, that's OK, Trent's comming to pick me up. Um, Jesse? Don't you think you should put
some clothes on?"
"Oh, how silly of me." he laughed. "I must've forgot." Daria didn't uncover her eyes untill
she was sure Jesse was gone.
Daria sighed with relief when Trent showed up. "Where do you wanna go?" he asked.
"Anywhere." she said. "Just get me away from here."
"I know how you feel." said Trent as he started the engine. "Don't get me wrong, I think
Jesse and Jane make a great couple. She's helped him come out of his shell and he's helped her
calm down a little. I just don't wanna hear, see or even think about them going at it. It's like
thinking about your parents doing it."
"Speaking of shells," said Daria. "Ummm....IsawJessenaked."
"Oh." Trent shrugged. "No biggie. Accidents happen. Knowing him, he's more embarrassed than
you are. What happened? You walk in on him coming out of the shower or something?"
"Trent, other than you and my parents, everyone is acting weird today. Like someone spiked
their corn flakes with Prozac or something. Jesse just 'forgot' to wear clothes. My sister accepted
being grounded with a smile and Jane was painting a picture of a rainbow this morning."
"Max is acting pretty weird too. He woke me up at the butt-crack of dawn to eat waffles."
"Trent, for you, the butt-crack of dawn is ten in the morning."
"Good one, Daria." he laughed.
"Trent, if experiance has taught us anything, it's taught us that when people act weird,
something strange is going down."
"This looks like a job for the Formidable Four."
"Minus the two who are off picking daisies."
"Yeah. Let's see, they started acting weird last night at the Zen. Don't know if I could
take another of Jesse's bone-crunching hugs. I've got a couple of bruises last night."
"Quinn was there too. I'm suspecting mind control. I suggest we pick up Danny before we
investigate the Zen. We may need an electronics analysist."
"Great idea."
Danny answered the door at the Moreno house. "Hi, Trent. Hi, Daria. Jesse didn't come home
last night if you're looking for him."
"He spent the night with Jane." said Daria.
"Shoulda known." sighed Danny.
"Danny," said Trent. "We need you. Something weird at the Zen is messing with people's minds
and we need an electronics expert."
"Really?" Danny said eagerly. "You need me?" He was clearly flattered. "Great! First, I want
you to come to the toolshed. I've been working on something that could help the Formidable Four."
"By the way," said Daria, as they followed Danny. "Congratulations, you're gonna be a brother-in-law. Jesse asked Jane to marry him last night."
"Super!"
"Since I don't have super powers like you," said Danny. "I need something to defend myself.
And, since there's that law about not buying a handgun untill you're 18, I made this." He showed
them what seemed to be an ordinary watch. "The stem on this watch is actually a trigger for a
powerful laser capable of stunning an opponent for at least 30 minutes."
"And you learned this how?" asked Daria.
"I kinda used Jesse as a guinea pig. As a result, I got the noogie of my life and I'm doing
dishes for the next month." Danny put on the watch. He put a soda can on the window sill. "I've
been doing a little target practice." He aimed and pulled the stem. A fine red beam emitted from
the watch and knocked the can over. "Wish I had this when those goons from Slashers came for me.
Now, my next device is a pair of X-ray goggles."
"I had a pair of those when I was a kid." said Trent. "I sent three dollars and 25 bubble
gum wrappers to Fleer and they sent me a pair of glasses with those spirally things on them."
"Trent, don't even begin to compare my invention to that /toy/." Danny produced a set of
goggles with strange gizmos attatched to it. "Try them on."
Trent put on the goggles and looked at Daria. "These do work better." he said. "I can definatly
see a market for these."
"My next device concerns our need for communication in the field. Previously, we've relied on
pagers and cell phones....now, pay attention, Sir Stretchalot!" Trent was gazing appreciativly at
Daria. "That's enough of that." Danny reached over and pressed a button on the side of the goggles.
Trent's smile turned to a look of disgust. He took off the goggles.
"What the Hell was that?" he asked.
"I upped the power on the goggles. Just enough for you to see her musso-skeletal structure.
Not pretty, is it?"
"Now you know what I'm like on the inside." said Daria.
"Could we please get back to the presentation?" asked an exasperated Danny. "Now, as I was
saying, we have depended on conventional telephones and pagers for communication. If we become
seperated in the field or if secrecy is preferred, then these miniature vocal transmitters and
receivers should fulfill our needs."
"As long as it's not a shoe phone." said Daria.
"The transmitter is disguised as a fountain pen." He showed them what seemed to be ordinary
pens. "The receiver is disguised as an earring. I've made some in both pierced and clip-on varieties."
Trent took of one of his earrings and put on a large stud ring. Daria put on a drop shaped
clip-on. "You might wanna put the other one on too." Danny suggested. "It looks less conspicuous."
He clipped a disc shaped ring on his left ear. "Shall we go now?"
"Danny," asked Daria as the drove to the Zen. "How do you come up with these things?"
"Being a genius helps." he shrugged. "Plus, I pick up things at swap meets, I scrounge around
junk yards. I'm a perferred customer at Radio Shack. Having a generous millionare brother also helps."
"Danny," Trent said. "He told you that money was for college."
"A few gadgets aren't gonna break the bank. Besides, I'm thinking seriously of getting those
X-ray goggles patented. I've done the first step. I made a copy of the schemantics and mailed them
to myself so they've been dated by the U.S. government."
"Lots of luck." said Daria.
They arrived at the Zen. "It's closed during the day." said Trent. "I'll go in through the
back window and let you in."
"Be careful." said Daria.
"Got your communicator and location pellet?" asked Danny.
"I'm good." Trent went down the ally and aroung the corner. He knew there was a broken
ventalation window nearby. It would be a tight squeeze, but they didn't call him Sir Stretchalot
for nothing. He stretched up to the window and squeezed his way through. That much was easy. The
tough part would be getting down. He rememberred Kenji's training. He landed in a crouch, arms
near his sides. He stood up and heard a vaguely familiar voice.
"I'm sorry, this place is closed for the day. Come back tonight."
"Do I know you?" he asked a figure in the shadows.
"I'm afraid I'm rather bad with names. But you can call me, The Smilenator!" The Smilenator
stepped into the light. He was a small, skinny man dressed in a white unitard spotted with yellow
smily faces. He wore a yellow domino mask. Trent couldn't help himself. The outfit was just too silly.
He laughed and tried to cover it up with a cough. "Are you laughing at me or laughing with me?" asked the Smilenator.
"What do you think, dork?"
"Wait, I know that laugh. You're one of the Lane siblings! Um, Trevor?"
"Trent. But you can call me Sir Stretchalot."
"Oh, yes! Now I remember. Oh, if only you agreed to make me your mentor! You could've been
the next Walt Whitman or Edgar Allen Poe."
"Mr. O'Neil, one was gay, the other was a dope fiend."
"But they were geniuses! It's not to late. We could join forces, you and I."
"If you're the one behind the strange things happening to my friends, then I must fight you."
"Then you must DIE!" The Smilenator whipped out a ray gun and fired a laser at Trent. He deftly
averted it. Another shot. It was close; Trent had to use his stretch powers to avoid it. "Hold still,
damn you!" Trent ducked behind the stage and took out the pen Danny had given him.
"Trent, what's keeping you?" asked Danny.
"I ran into some trouble. I'll try to get to the door but be careful, he has a ray gun."
Just then, a laser missed Trent's head by inches.
"Trent, be careful." he heard Daria beg.
"I'm sure as Hell trying." he said, dodging another blast.
Outside, Daria and Danny worried. Danny put on his goggles and looked at the club. "I see
them." he said. "You should see the costumed freak he's up against. Trent seems to be holding his
own, but he'll need backup pretty soon."
"He's not hurt, is he?"
"No, but not for the freak's lack of trying."
"Danny, when that door opens we should be invisible. We'll take him by surprise."
"We?"
"I can make another person invisible while touching them. I've done it before with Trent."
She took Danny's hand and willed them both to be invisible.
"Oh wow!'' said Danny. "I'm holding hands with a girl!"
"An engaged girl." she reminded him. "A girl two years older than you."
"It's still pretty cool."
Inside, Trent was making his way to the front door. Occasionally he would throw a chair in
the Smilenator's direction to throw off his aim. He got to the door, unlocked it and opened it.
He didn't see Daria or Danny, but felt someone run past him.
"You won't escape me that easily!" The Smilenator aimed his ray gun at Trent. A red laser
beam struck the Smilenator. He went down. Danny and Daria appeared.
"Thanks for the help." said Trent.
"All in a day's work." said Daria. She unmasked the Smilenator. "Mr. O'Neil?"
"He wasn't all that good at hiding his identity." said Trent.
"Help me find something to tie him up with."
"You can use my belt." he said, taking it off. Daria just stood there. "What are you waiting for?"
"For your pants to fall down."
"Perhaps later."
Danny inspected the ray gun. "Primitive." he sighed. "I've seen better Buck Rogers props."
"Yeah, that prop nearly killed me." said Trent.
"Maybe." Danny stuck it in his pocket. "I'll do some tests on it later."
"Danny," said Daria. "Check out the karioke machine."
Danny put on the goggles and looked at the system. "Looks normal. Wait, there seems to be
a foreign object attached to the zenor diodes. I'll check it out." He took a screwdriver from his
pocket. Before he could do anything, a shuriken struck his hand.
A black clad ninja leapt from the rafters. "Don't touch that machine, you worthless man!"
"Man-Hater!" Daria and Trent chorused.
"You leave my Timmy alone! He's the only man on Earth worth living!"
"You lookin' for a fight, bitch?" asked Daria. "It's three against one!"
"We'll just have to fix that, won't we?" Man-Hater clapped her hands. Three girls in black
cheerleading costumes came out of the woodwork. They had their names stenciled on the front in
white. Daria recognized Brittany among them. It seemed she had changed her name to Felicity.
"Felicity! Joy! Mirth! Destroy them!"
"Cue the theme music!" Trent shouted, getting into fighting stance.
Felicity did a cartwheel towards Daria, intending to kick her in the face. Daria went invisable,
ducked, and did a sweep kick. Joy threw a karate punch at Trent, only to have it blocked. Trent grabbed
her arm and put her in a judo roll. Danny aimed his watch at Mirth when he was distracted by
Felicity's cartwheels. Whoa! he thought. She's not wearing any underwear! Then he blacked out when
Man-Hater struck him with a nunchaku.
The fight continued. An invisible Daria broke a chair over Mirth's head. Joy grabbed a bottle
of Jim Beam from the bar and broke it. She thrust it into Trent's stomache. His flexible skin turned
the broken glass. He grabbed his assailant's arm. "You could hurt someone doing that." he said as he
picked up the screaming girl and threw her towards Felicity, destroying what would've been a perfect
flying kick.
Man-Hater jumped on the bar with an unconscous Danny under one arm. "Surrender now!" she said.
"Or the man-child gets it!" An aikuchi suddenly appeared in her hand.
"She means it." said Daria.
"Let him go, Barch." said Trent. "He's done nothing to you."
"He was born a scum-sucking man. That's crime enough for me!"
"Let him go." said Daria. "You can take O'Neil as trade."
"It won't be that simple. Take them, ladies!"
Trent and Daria did not resist the cheerleaders this time. They knew one false move would
jeopardize Danny's life.
They found themselves in the back room, tied back to back in a couple of chairs. Danny was
tied to another chair and slowly recovering from his blow. Man-Hater had released O'Neil, who was
starting to come to. "Did they hurt you, Poopy-kins?" she asked him in a sickly sweet voice.
"I'm just fine, Luvvydums." he replied.
"Aah! Stop the torture!" Daria cried out. "I'll talk! I'll talk!"
"Sarcastic again, are we?" said O'Neil. "Well, that will change soon enough! Tonight, you
will know such giddy happiness you will never insult another person again."
"What's with the thugs?" asked Trent. "You brainwashed more cheerleaders?"
"Hey, it was a light load." said Daria.
"Timmy here had the most wonderful idea to bring peace and order to the world." said Barch,
taking off her mask. "But to carry it through, he needed me. Oh yes, he /needed/ me! In a world
where men's foolish pride prevents them from asking a woman for help, Tim alone saw the truth."
"Yeah, yeah," said Trent. "Get to the point."
"Insolent male!" said Barch. "Who told you to talk?" She kicked him in the shin. "Now then,
Tim knew the only way to bring true peace to the world would be to abolish negative thinking.
Perhaps mass hypnosis. But he needed my scientific knowledge to carry this through. I broke into
the Zen the day before karioke night and installed a device in the karioke machine that would emit
subsonic waves when the button on this remote was pressed." She presented a pocket-sized remote with
a single button on it. "The subsonic waves hypnotized the listeners into feeling what the song told
them to feel. Understand, my only problem with men is that they are largely cruel, barbaric and uncaring
for the needs of others. Timmy is a rare exception. Soon, men will be devoid of their killer instincts.
They will joyfully do anything for a woman from rubbing her feet to picking flowers for her."
"You've seen what it's done so far." said O'Neil. "No one under happy hypnosis argues or
fights. Everyone is happy! Don't you see? I've found the answer for world peace!"
"I've also planted a suggestion in the hypnosis." said Barch. "The proprieter of the Zen
will hold another karioke night tonight. Everyone who was hypnotized last night will be compelled
to bring at least two more people with them. Tonight, Lawndale, tomorrow, the world!" She laughed
evilly.
"Don't you see how wrong this is?" said Daria. "You're taking away people's free will! Do
you want a world of mindlessly happy drones?"
"Sounds good to me." said O'Neil.
"We'll leave you here." said Barch. "We must prepare for tonight."
"Daria," Trent said after they left. "You ever notice how bad guys always reveal their evil
plans after they've captured you?"
"Wonder why that is?" Daria mused.
"Ooow...." mumbled Danny. "my head hurts."
"Man-Hater clubed you." said Daria.
"Aw, man," moaned Danny. "I got us all captured, didn't I? Some sidekick I'm turning out to be."
"Don't blame yourself." said Trent.
"But it is my fault! If I hadn't been looking at that girl doing cartwheels with no panties,
we wouldn't be in this mess!"
"Well, that's a line you'll never hear Robin say." said Daria.
"Just chill." said Trent. "I can get out of this." He stretched one arm untill it was thin
enough to slip out of the ropes. After that, it was easy for him to extricate himself and untie the
others. They gathered Danny's confiscated tools. "Danny," Trent said. "Check the door. They may have
left us guarded."
Danny put on the goggles and looked. "Yeah, someone's there. It's the girl with no panties."
"That would be Brittany." said Daria. "It seems she's changed her name to Felicity and let
Man-Hater brainwash her again. I'll take care of this. Both of you, take my hands." Daria grabbed
their hands and willed the three of them invisible.
Trent opened the door and peeked out. "Felicity" was five feet from the door, back towards
them. She was popping bubble gum while twirling her pigtails with one finger. He squeezed Daria's
hand, a sign that all was clear. They quietly walked past the vacant bimbo. They were nearly at the
door when Felicity noticed something wrong. Three pairs of shoes were walking in front of her on
their own. "Hey! That isn't right!" she squeeked. She spit out her gum and did a flying leap across
the room and blocked the door. "Hold it right there or I'll blast you!" She pulled a ray gun on them.
"Oops." said Daria. The three of them became visable.
"What happened?" asked Trent.
"I'm sorry. I never tried it with two people."
"I have." said Felicity. "Kevvie and my friend Angie got together one night and..."
"I don't wanna hear this." said Daria.
"I do." said Danny.
"Hey," said Felicity. "You're not trying to-um-divide me so you can get away, are you?"
"Heck no!" said Daria. "We just wanna go find our friend, um-Buffy."
"Buffy? Who's Buffy?"
"Oh, everyone knows Buffy." said Daria. "She's a cute, popular girl who kinda walks like
this." She did a rather slithering kind of walk over to the door.
"Oh, yeah," said Trent, playing along with the ruse. "She sprained her ankle last year in
cheerleading practice and walked with a limp, like this." He limped to the door.
"Sometimes she walks backwards." Danny walked backwards out the door. As soon as they were
all clear, they ran to the Tank II and drove off.
"Hmmm...I wonder who they were talking about?" Felicity mused. "I don't know anyone on the
squad who walks like that."
"That was close." said Trent as they drove away.
"Ever notice that when the bad guys capture you, they always leave you alone with one inept
guard?" said Daria.
"Wonder why that is?" Trent mused.
"I'm still sorry I got you captured." said Danny.
"Don't beat yourself up, kid." said Trent.
"We need you to come with us tonight." said Daria. "You're the only one who can remove the
device from the karioke machine."
"Is that who I think it is?" Trent stopped the van. Jesse and Jane were walking down the
street, arm in arm. This would be perfectly normal-if they weren't both draped in daisy chains.
"Hiya, big brother!" said Jane. "Isn't this the most beautiful day in the world?"
"Um, yeah." he said. "You wanna ride?"
Jane and Jesse got in the back of the van. "Hey, Danny," said Jesse. "How's my little brother
today?" He grabbed him in a too tight bear hug.
"Jesse," Danny wheezed. "I can't breathe."
"We're all happy!" said Jesse. "Who needs air?"
"Settle down, Magilla." said Daria. Jesse let him go.
Jane blissfully admired one of her daisies for a moment. "The Zen is having another karioke
night." she said. "You guys wanna come?"
"Oh, we'll be there." said Daria.
"It's gotta be two people each." said Jesse.
"I'll ask Mom to come." Jane said blithely.
Daria and Trent shared a look. They were definatly under the Smilenator's suggestion.
"Oh gross, man!" Danny interjected. Trent and Daria looked. Jesse and Jane were passionatly
French kissing.
"You mind not doing that here?" asked Daria.
"OK." said Jane, breaking it off. "Trent, would you be a dear and take us home?"
"Maybe," said Jesse. "I can do that thing to your back that you like so much."
Jane smiled. "Maybe I can do that thing with the pineapple rings that you like so much."
"Do you wanna be tied up or is it my turn?"
Trent had a sudden urge to stick his fingers in his ears and hum very loudly. His hands
gripped the steering wheel. "Hey, Trent." said Jane. "Do we still have that strawberry syrup?"
Trent slammed on the brakes. "Get out." he said. "Both of you."
"What's wrong?" Jane laughed.
"You're both making me sick, that's what's wrong."
"C'mon, buddy." Jesse put his hands on Trent's shoulders. "You're just too tense."
"Take 'em off, or I'll break 'em off."
"To-uh-chy!" Jesse got out with Jane.
"They were grossing me out too." said Daria
"Pineapple rings?" mused Danny.
They drove back to the Moreno house. Danny had an idea. "We need to go back tonight." he
said. "But we need something to keep us immune to the hypnotic effects of the Smilenator's karioke
machine. Give me the earrings I gave you."
"We couldn't stick to getting kitties out of trees, could we?" said Daria, handing over the earring.
Danny went to work on them with his screwdriver. "All we need is a low-frequency sub-sonic wave to
counteract the subliminal waves emmitted by the karioke machine. I'll simply switch the terradine modulator
with the hyperram diode. And...there we go! Wear this earring and the machine will have no effect. I suspect
the Smilenator and Man-Hater have simular devices on their persons. They're really quite simple to make."
"Yeah, simple." said Daria, who wouldn't know a terradine modulator if it bit her.
"By the way," said Danny, as he worked on Trent's earring. "How did you manage to escape
being hypnotized the first time?"
"Ummm...." Daria blushed.
"Uh, we weren't in the club at the time." said Trent.
"Where were you?" The couple seemed reluctant to answer. "Oh, I get it." Danny laughed.
"If the Tank's a rockin', don't come a knockin'. You can tell me, you know. I'm 15, I'm not a child."
The Zen was packed that night. Daria, Trent, and Danny took a table near the stage. They were
just planning what to do when their friends arrived. "Hey guys!" Jane said cheerily. She had brought
her mother, Amanda, with her.
"So, this is where you two go on the weekends." she said, having a curious look about. "Much
nicer than the tea rooms I went to when I was your age."
"What kind of tea, Mrs. Lane?" asked Daria.
"Oh, you can call me Amanda. I've told Jesse the same."
A stiff, prim lady who looked like she was dressed for church approached. "So, you're Nicholas's
friends, correct?" she asked.
"You mean Nick?" said Trent.
"I am his mother, Hannah Campbell. I agreed to come because his attitude has changed for the better.
You don't play secular music, do you?"
"Nah, just hard rock with alternative leanings." said Trent.
Mrs. Campbell opened her purse. "Some literature for you, young man." She gave him a pamphlet.
"And one for you, and one for you." She gave pamphlets to Daria and Danny before excusing herself.
"So You're Going To Hell." Trent read.
"Be Saved Or Suffer." Danny read.
"Woman, Submit Thyself?" Daria read. "What a bitch!"
O'Neil came on stage. "Is everybody happy?" he asked. The crowd cheered enthusiastically. "I
can't hear you!" The crowd cheered louder as an invisable Daria led Danny to the machine. "I don't
think you're happy enough! Here's a song that will make everyone happy!" The music started. "Smile,"
he sang. "Though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the
sky You'll get by...if you smile..." At that moment, the mike whistled as Trent rushed the stage
and grabbed the mike from him. The crowd gasped in surprise.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Trent spoke. "This man, Timothy 'Smilenator' O'Neil ' has been tampering
with your emotions. How does that make you feel?" The audiance mumbled as they shook their heads in confusion.
"No! Don't listen to him!" O'Neil yelled.
Trent stretched out one arm to bind and gag O'Neil. "He didn't work alone. Janet 'Man-Hater' Barch was in
on it. That's her over there." He pointed to a corner where she was skulking with a bevy of cheerleader thugs.
The crowd became rowdy. Danny pointed a screwdriver at a device he had removed from the machine. "Do with them
what you will." Trent pushed a panicked O'Neil into the crowd. "Daria, some appropriate music, if you will."
Daria pressed some keys that caused the machine to play "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting".
The crowd surfed a sobbing O'Neil across the room where everyone had a turn to physically
assault him. The riotous crowd attacked Barch, whose entourage had promptly fled. She held her own
for a while, but was vastly outnumbered.
Trent sang on stage. "Don't give us none of you're aggrivation. We've had it with your discipline.
Saturday night's the night I like. Saturday night's alright for fighting."
"Janet," groaned a severely stomped O'Neil. "Help me!"
"Um, you know what, Timmy?" Barch answered, as she fought off attackers. "I really don't think
this is going to work out. You see, I need my space, and, um, good-bye!" She leaped onto someone's
shoulders, then up to the rafters. Daria went invisable and followed.
Barch got to the roof top. "No where to go but down." she heard Daria say. She looked around
and saw nobody. That meant Daria was invisible.
Barch drew her aikuchi. "You may be invisible, but you can still bleed!"
"That would require stabbing me first." A sharp blow landed on Barch's face. " I have no
intention of letting you do that."
The two women fought it out on the rooftop, no quarter given or taken. Barch brandished her
aikuchi in broad archs, hoping to slash the Phantom at least once to give away her position. Daria
grabbed her foe from behind. Barch countered by swinging her head backwards. She heard something break.
"My glasses!" Daria cried as the broken pair clattered to the roof beneath her.
"It seems we're on even footing now, Phantom." said Barch.
"I can still see well enough to kick your ass!" Barch felt a kick whiz near her ear.
"Phantom, we're not so different, you and I." she said. "We could make a memorable team.
Join me, and we will create a new world of peace and prosperity. Don't make me destroy you."
"Save your breath, Darth!" She tried to kick again. This time, Barch caught her and pinned her.
"You may be invisible, but can you fly?" Barch laughed evilly as she picked Daria up. She carried
the struggling, invisible load to the edge, where she intended to drop her foe to her death. A
stabbing pain between her shoulder blades made her stumble.
As Barch stumbled, Daria fell. Luckily, the drop was so clumsy she managed to grab onto the
cement ledge of the roof. She saw Danny's face peer ever the edge. "Daria! Daria!" he yelled. "Oh,
please don't be dead!"
"I'm right here, Danny." She became visible. "Give me a hand?" Danny helped her back on the
roof. Barch was curled in agony. A screwdriver was stuck in her back.
"You..." she groaned. "The man-child! I'll...I..." She passed out before she could threaten him.
A week later at the Lane house, Jane was snipping out a new article for her scrapbook. The
headline read "Phantom, Sir Stretchalot Foil Plans of Man-Hater, Smilenator". She went to the society
page. Their engagements had been formally announced. Daria looks really nice when she smiles. Jane thought
as she looked at the photo of her and Trent. But Jesse looks even nicer. She looked at the photo they had
posed for for their engagement announcment.
Daria came in. "Still working on the scrap book?" she asked.
"It's getting full. I may need to start a third one."
"You've been smiling all day. You're not still under that hypnotic suggestion, are you?"
"Nope. I really am happy. The real thing feels a lot better, thanks." She frowned. "There
is one thing I'm worried about."
"That is?"
"While we were under the happy hypnosis, Jesse and I had unprotected sex. He swears on his
mother's grave that I'm the only one he's ever been with, so all I'm worried about is being pregnant.
It's been a week, so I guess I can take a test. Jesse says that no matter what happens, he still wants
to marry me."
"That's not so bad. Most women have it worse."
"Yeah, but I'm not sure if I want a baby. Not right now."
Daria read the article. "The Smilenator is in a padded cell now and Man-Hater is back in
custody."
"There must be something about being a teacher that screws up your brain."
"Jane," said Daria. "When Trent and I get married next year, will you be my maid-of-honor?"
"Actually, I've been wondering how you'd feel about a double wedding."
"Frankly, I'm all for running away from my stupid family and getting married- I dunno, somewhere.
But, I'm OK with a double wedding if the guys are." Trent and Jesse came up from the basement. Jesse
saw Daria, blushed brightly and turned back to the basement. "That is, if Jesse can ever stand to be
in the same room with me again."
"He's just embarrassed that you saw him naked. I'll have a talk with him." She went to the basement.
"Hey, Daria." said Trent, having a seat. "What were you and Janey talking about?"
"The wedding. How does a double wedding sound?"
"OK by me. We don't have to do any planning now. We have all the time in the world."
"Yeah, all the time in the world." she kissed him.
That night, as Daria lay sleeping, her father woke her up. "Daria," he whispered. "Wake up."
"If the house is on fire just wrap me in a wet blanket and wake me when it's over."
"Daria, I just wanted you to know- that I love you."
"Great. I'm having that kooky dream again where my family tells me they love me. The pandas
should be here with their spaceship any minute.''
"Oh God! They're not gonna land on the roof, are they?"
"Dad, it's a joke."
"Oh. Daria, I know Quinn and your mom are tough on you, but I want you to know I love you."
"Alright, Dad, since you're family, I'll float you a loan."
"Daria, I mean it. Is it so hard for you to believe that?" Daria sighed. For a long time,
the idea of anyone loving her seemed impossible. "I know Trent loves you too. When you marry him,
Would you want me to give you away?" Before she could answer, Jake said "No, of course you don't.
It's an antiquated, sexist ritual. I feel like a fool for asking."
"Dad, you can give me away."
Jake hugged his daughter. "Good-night, Kiddo." He pulled the covers over her.
"I love you too, Dad."
He kissed her forehead and left.
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:
Eat your heart out James Bond.
It involves a sheep.
Let's say they were in no condition to give a statement and leave it at that.
GOD DAMMIT, WHY CAN'T I DIE?!
Anyone for s'mores?
(A/N) Less songs in the next one, I promise! "I Got You Babe" was written by Sonny Bono. "Goldfinger
belongs to Shirley Bassey. "Because You Loved Me" belongs to Diane Warren. "Pour Some Sugar On Me" belongs to Def Leppard. "Don't
Go Breaking My Heart" and "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting" Belong to Elton John and Bernie
Taupin. "If Ya Wanna Be My Lover" belongs to the Spice Girls. "You Got A Friend In Me." belongs to Randy Newman. "Smile" belongs to Freaky Pervert, oops,
I mean Michael Jackson.
OK, Danny's technical jargon: it's all bullshit. As my brother is fond of reminding me, I
don't know a thing about electronics, so I made up some words that sounded right.
Know your ninja weapons! Nunchaku (Commonly called nunchucks) are two stout wood blocks joined
by a short chain. Did you know they were orriginally used to harvest rice? The aikuchi is a short
dagger with no hilt. It's easy to hide on the person, making it a favorite for ninjas.
Daria and Jane sat in the back of the Tank II with the slumbering Max and Nick. Trent was
driving to the Zen and Jesse had shotgun. "So, Jane," said Daria. "Figured out what you're gonna
do with your 7 million?"
"That's gonna buy a lot of art supplies." she answered. "I put most of it away for now. You?"
"Same. It'll more than get me through college and when I turn 18 at the end of summer I can
play the market a little. I see Trent's already spent some of his." She eyed a custom built Les Paul.
"Jesse insisted that Danny take a couple million and save it for college. He's a smart kid, Danny.
He could go to MIT if he wanted. Jesse also made a donation to breast cancer research. I'm trying to find
a worthy charity myself. Too many to choose from."
"Red Cross is good, I guess."
"Know something, Daria?" said Jane. "Ever since me and Trent rescued our parents, they've
been around more. Dad says he won't travel any more than he has to for his job and Mom's been
acting like-well-a mom. Better late than never, I guess."
When they got to the Zen, one of the security guards greeted them. "You won't be setting up
tonight." he said a bit apologetically. "The boss is tryin' something new- Karioke night."
"Anyone for watching people make fools of themselves on stage?" asked Daria. It sounded like
a good idea. They all went in. Up on stage, Kevin and Brittany were mauling "I Got You Babe."
"They say we're young and we don't know," squeaked Brittany. "Won't find out until we grow."
"Well I...don't kuh-now if all...that's t-true," Kevin struggled to read the monitor. "Cuz
you got me and baby I got you....Babe."
"It's enough to make Sonny Bono turn over in his grave." sighed Trent.
"Hopefully," said Daria. "This song will do for them what it did for Sonny and Cher."
"Um, but, Sonny and Cher got divorced." said Trent.
"Precisely." Daria said.
Kevin and Brittany continued to mangle the song. "I got flo-flowers in the sssprring. I got
you to wee-are my r-ring."
"And when I'm sad, you're a clown." Brittany crooned.
"He's always a clown." Jane comented.
"And if I get scared, you're always arooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuund!" Everyone in the
club shuddered at the screaching high note the cheerleader hit.
They sat at the bar. "Four Cokes." Trent told the bartender.
"That's what happens when you date underaged girls." Max remarked. "You start to drink like one."
"Max," Trent said warningly and nodded towards Jesse.
"Oh, sorry Jess." said Max.
"It's cool." he replied.
"I'll have a Michelobe." said Nick.
"You would." said Max. "I'm having Coors."
"What's wrong with Michelobe?"
"It's a pansy drink, that's what's wrong!"
"Only backwoods red-necks drink Coors."
"Better a red-neck than a pansy!"
"Red-neck!"
"Pansy!"
"Will you guys just shut up and drink your beers before they go flat?" Trent suggested.
Kevin and Brittany finished the song. A new girl got on stage and said "My name's Shirly Orson
and I wanna dedicate this song to my no good ex-boyfriend Tom Sloan and any poor girl that might be
thinking of becoming his new girlfriend." She took a deep breath and belted out "Goldfinger, He's the
man, the man with the Midas touch. A spider's touch. Such a cold finger. Beckons you, to enter his web
of sin. But don't go in. Golden words he will pour in your ear, but his lies can't disguise what you
fear. For a golden girl knows when he's kissed her, it's the kiss of death, from Mr. Goldfinger."
"Speaking of gold," said Jane, not realizing the heartbreak she escaped in this reality.
"Have you guys decided what to do with your millions?"
"They're gonna give it all to me." Max said facetiously.
"You wish." said Trent. "Actually-um- Jesse and me have talked about-something."
Is it just my imagination, thought Daria. Or is Trent blushing?
"This heart is cold!" sang Shirly. "He loves only gold! Only gold! He loves gold! He loves
only gold! Only gold!"
"OK, we get it." said Jane. "He loves gold."
Shirly took a bow and handed the mike to Jodi. "My name is Jodi Landon and I want to dedicate
this song to my boyfriend Michael McKenzie, because he's so great at putting up with me." The music started. She sang "For all those times you stood by me. For all the truth that you made me see. For all the joy you brought to my life. For all the wrong that you made right. For every dream you made come true. For all the love I found in you. I'll be forever thankful baby. You're the one who held me up. Never let me fall. You're the one who saw me through it all."
"Um, Jane." said Jesse. "Could you go somewhere with me?"
"Where?"
"Um, over there?" He pointed out a secluded corner of the club.
"Sure." she shrugged and got off the barstool. "Don't wait up for me." she told Daria.
"OK, boys." Trent told Max and Nick. "Take a hike."
"Man," groused Max. "Guy gets a girl, he don't want his pals around no more." The two left.
"Um, Daria?" he said once they were (semi) alone.
Is he blushing again? "Yes?"
"Daria, when we we're doing /Slashers/, I learned something. I learned that life is short,
fragile and precious."
Great. thought Daria. Now comes the part where he tells me that because life is short he
wants to date other girls.
"I've been thinking about this a long time, how I'd say it without sounding cliched, how
you'd answer. I might as well just say it. Daria, will you marry me?"
Daria had to do a double take. "What?"
"I did it wrong, didn't I? I'm supposed to get on one knee, right?" He got off his barstool
and knealed down.
"Trent, you don't need to."
He pulled a jewel box out of his pocket and opened it. It held a gold ring with a dazzling
diamond. "Daria, will you..."
"Yes!" Trent stood and took her in his arms. She put the ring on. "Trent," she said. "You
understand I wanna finish my senior year first, right?"
"I can wait just as long as you can." They held each other to the end of the song.
Meanwhile, Jesse and Jane listened to the song. "You were my strength when I was weak. You
were my voice when I couldn't speak. You were my eyes when I couldn't see. You saw the best there
was in me."
"Who knew Jodi was such a good singer?" said Jane.
"Yeah." said Jesse. "Um, Jane?"
"Yes?"
Jesse gulped the knot in his throat. "Um, um...."
"What is it?"
"Did it suddenly get hot in here?" He could feel sweat forming on his brow.
"No, Jesse, it's just you."
"Jane, I, would, um..." He reached in his pocket and wordlessly gave her a jewelbox.
"Jesse, is this what I think it is?"
"Uh-huh." He blushed.
Jane opened the box to find a gold ring with an opal and an emerald. "Our birthstones." she said.
"The lady at the store said opals mean 'hope' and emeralds mean 'love'."
Jane put the ring on. "Jesse, I'll marry you."
"Cool." He smiled and took her in his arms.
At the end of the song, Jane and Jesse returned to the bar. Jane noticed the diamond sparkling
on Daria's finger. "You, too?" she asked, showing her own ring.
"Looks like we're all engaged." said Daria.
"Told you you could do it." Trent told Jesse.
"You knew?" asked Jane.
"We kinda ran into each other at the jewelry store." said Trent. "Hey, Daria, want me to
dedicate a song for you?"
"If you want to."
"Jesse," said Jane. "Would you do a song for me?"
"I don't do solos." Jesse said, taking another sip of Coke.
"Jesse," said Trent. "You've really gotta put that incident in chorus behind you."
Quinn and the fashion club were now on stage. "Yo, I tell you what I want, what I really really want." she sang.
"So tell me what you want, what you really really want." sang the rest of the girls.
"Trent," said Daria. "That's going to be your sister-in-law. Still wanna get married?"
"Hmmm....Yeah."he decided.
"May we sit here now?" Max asked, approaching with Nick in tow.
"Sure." said Trent. "It wasn't personal. I just wanted to be alone when I popped the question."
"You two are getting married?" asked Nick.
"All four of us." Jane showed her ring.
"Well, whadya know." said Max. "Our two buddies are getting hooked up to the ball and chain."
"Can I be the best man?" asked Nick.
"No." said Max. "I'm the best man."
"The hell you say!"
"Alright, shut up, both of you." said Trent. "One of you can be my best man the other can
be Jesse's best man. Can't you go five minutes without fighting?" He shook his head. "Anyway, Jesse
and I have been talking. We wanna know what you girls think. After we're married we can pool our
money together and move into one of those fancy penthouses in New York. They're pricy, but still far
less than 28 mil. If Max and Nick wanna move to New York we can really get the band started and you
girls could go to college or whatever."
"I don't mind going to New York." said Max. "It'll get me out of my parents house."
"And I've been dying to get the hell away from my mom." said Nick. "Unfortunatly, I'll probably
be stuck with Max as a roommate."
"I've always wanted to go to New York." said Jane. "It's a great place for an artist to live."
"I hear NYU is a good school." said Daria.
"Well," said Trent. "Now that we've got the future planned out, I've got a song to do."
Trent picked out a song and took the stage. "This one's for my girl-I mean, fiancee, Daria
Morgendorfer." A loud Def Leppard number started. Trent sang "Step inside, walk this way. You and
me babe, hey, hey! Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on. Livin' like a lover with a radar phone.
Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp. Demolition woman, can I be your man?"
"Not too romantic, I'm affraid." said Jane. Daria wasn't listening to her. She was enrapt
by Trent's singing, or rather, the way he was singing. He put his whole body into the song, gyrating
to the beat.
"Hey! C'mon, take a bottle." he sang. "Shake it up. Break the bubble. Break it up. Pour some
sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love. Pour some sugar on me. C'mon fire me up. Pour your sugar on
me. Oh, I can't get enough. I'm hot, sticky sweet. From my head to my feet yeah."
"Hey, little Miss Innocent," Jane said to Daria. "Close your mouth. Flies are getting in."
"You got the peaches, I got the cream." Trent sang. "Sweet to taste, saccharine. Cuz I'm hot,
say what, sticky sweet from my head, my head, to my feet." He finished the last chorus and came back
to the bar.
"Trent," said Daria. "I want you and I want you right now."
"Um, OK." They went off to the Tank II for some private time.
"So, Jesse." said Jane. "Having second thoughts about going on stage?"
Jane was surprised by the next person who came on stage. "Hello!" he said cheerfully. "My
name is Timothy O'Niel and I'm dedicating this song to each and every one of you!" He began to
sing "Here's a little song I wrote. You might wanna sing it note for note."
"Didn't Bobby McFerrin write this?" asked Jesse. In a few minutes, the writer of the song
didn't matter to him.
"Don't worry." sang O'Neil. "Be happy. In every life we have some trouble. When you worry
you make it double. Don't worry, be happy. Don't worry, be happy now."
Out side in the parking lot the Tank II bounced up and down furiously. Gradually it stopped.
Inside, Trent disposed of a used condom in the trash bag they kept up front. He returned to Daria's
arms."That was great." he said, holding her close. "I'll give you a quarter back tomorrow. I gotta
start remembering to keep change on me."
"Forget it." said Daria. "We both needed the condom. I don't want to get pregnant."
Trent held her and kissed her forehead. "God, I love you so much."
"I love you too, Trent." she said. "I'm looking forward to a lifetime with you."
"You think the others are starting to miss us?"
"How long have we been gone?"
Trent found his watch. "About...2 hours maybe."
"Damn. Talk about stamina."
"Foreplay really does help. We better get dressed and see if they're ready to leave. There's
only so much karioke you can take in one night."
They went in to find Jane and Jesse on stage together.
"Don't go breaking my heart." Jesse sang.
"You take the weight off me." Jane sang.
"Honey when you knock on my door." Jesse gave her a rather sappy look.
"I gave you my key." Fortunatly, the lyrics were short enough for Jane to sing without
causing to much of a cacaphony.
"If I didn't know better," sid Trent. "I'd say Jesse took a swig of liquid courage before
hitting the stage."
"You don't think he did?"
"Jesse doesn't drink. At all. The smell reminds him too much of his dad and stuff."
"Jane's usually not to keen on singing either. She kinda sucks at it."
"No one seems to care." Trent shrugged. In fact, everyone in the club was wearing a strange grin.
"Oh, don't go breaking my heart, Janey." Jesse sang.
"I won't go breaking your heart." she answered.
They came off stage and approached Daria and Trent. "Trent!" Jesse seized him in a bear hug.
"I love you, man!"
"Uh, Jess," said an embarassed Trent. "We're in public."
"And I love you, Daria!" Jane exclaimed as she embraced Daria.
"Um, Yeah. I-uh-love you too."
"Uh, Jesse," Trent grunted. "You mind letting go?" Jesse's bear hug was just a little too
tight. He doesn't smell like he's been drinking. Trent thought. But he's definatly acting like it.
Nick and Max were on stage now. "You've got a friend in me." they sang. "You've got a friend in me."
"You've got troubles." sang Max. "then I've got 'em too. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you."
"We stick together." sang Nick. "we can see it through. Cuz you got a friend in me."
"Yes you do!" sang Max.
"Yeah you got a friend in me." they both sang.
"Oh no." Daria deadpanned. "It's the first sign of the appocolypse."
"Some folks might be," Max sang. "a little bit smarter than I am."
"That's a given." Daria remarked.
"Bigger and stronger too." Max continued.
"Maybe." Nick conceded.
"But none of them will ever love you the way I do."
"OK, this is getting disturbing." said Trent.
After their song was over the group left. "Why so glum, Daria?" asked Jane.
"I'm not glum. This is how I always look."
"Daria, you just got engaged and laid! Cheer up, have some fun!"
"Uh, Jane," Daria blushed.
"Just so you all know," said Trent. "I'm the designated driver tonight."
"Whatever makes you happy, man." said Max.
"Hey, Max," said Nick. "Did I tell you how much I love you today?"
Trent and Daria shared a worried look. "Jess," said Trent. "Please, please tell me you didn't
get my sister high on anything."
"Trent," said Jane. "The only thing I'm high on is the joy of life!"
Jesse took Jane in his arms and danced around the parking lot with her. "We're young, we're
rich, we're in love!" he declared. "Who wouldn't be happy?"
"Can he stay the night?" asked Jane.
"Uh, I guess." said Trent. "Max, is it cool if I crash at your place tonight?"
"Everything's cool, man!"
Trent drove Nick home. Mrs. Campbell was waiting. "Just where the hell have you been?" she
demanded. "Out all night with those heathen friends of yours, and..."
"I love you, Mama!" He shocked her with a big hug and kiss.
Trent dropped Jesse and Jane off at Casa Lane. Jesse scooped Jane up in his arms and ran
inside with her. Trent took Daria home and walked her to her door. "Sure wish I could come up
with you." he said.
"My parents would flip. As it is, my Dad's gonna have a coranary when I tell him we're engaged."
He took her in his arms and kissed her for a long time. "Here's Max's number." He scribbled
the number on a wrapper he found in his pocket. "Call me tomorrow."
The next morning seemed like a typical Saturday morning in the Morgendorfer house. Daria came
downstairs to get something to eat. Jake was behind his newspaper. Helen was on the phone with Eric.
They ignored her as she fixed a couple of Pop-Tarts. Quinn came downstairs. "Good morning, beautiful
family!" she chirruped. She gave Daria a hug. "How's my wonderful big sister?"
"I'm terribly sorry. I must have came home to the wrong house last night."
"I'll talk to you later, Eric." Helen hung up. "So, what did you girls do last night?"
"The Fashion Club and I did Karioke." said Quinn. 'It was loads of fun!"
"Gah!" injected Jake. "You did what? Is karioke some new kinda drug?"
"No, Daddy!" Quinn laughed. "We sang a bunch of Spice Girl songs."
"Trent asked me to marry him." Daria deadpanned.
Jake, who had taken a sip of coffee, did a spit take. "Daria," said Helen. "Don't tease your
father. You know how delicate his heart condition is."
Daria showed her mother the ring. Helen was noticeably surprised. "Daria, I'm not sure if
marrying Trent would be a good idea. You're both so young and he doesn't even have a job."
"Mom, I did some research. You were 19 when you married Dad. I will be 18 at the end of
summer and there won't be anything you can do to controll my life anymore."
"Let me see that ring." Helen scratched a drinking glass with the diamond. It made a cut.
"Where did he get the money for a real diamond?"
"It was prize money from /Slashers/."
"Not that horrible Japanese show where they slice people up!" cried Jake.
"The same. Didn't you get my note? I had to go save Aunt Amy."
"Oops!" giggled Quinn. "I musta lost it."
"You lost a note saying your sister might be getting killed in Tokyo?" said an exasperated
Helen. "You're grounded for a month, young lady!"
"OK." Daria was shocked. Quinn accepting a punishment, and smiling about it?
"How much money was it?" asked Helen.
"Seven million for each of us."
"Sev-sev-sev," Helen stammered. Was her own daughter now richer than her? "Daria, maybe I
was to hasty saying you shouldn't marry Trent. He's a fine upstanding young man."
"A fine upstanding /rich/ man, you mean. Boy, your attitude towards him changed dramatically
when I said he had money."
"Daria, I just know he'll make you happy. Now, let's make some plans. Quinn will be your
maid-of-honor of course, and it's only polite to ask your cousin Erin to be a bridesmaid too."
"Wow!" said Quinn. "I can give her a make-over!"
"Whoa, hold on Mom. If anyone's going to be my maid-of-honor it's going to be Jane. And I
don't want that bitch Erin anywhere near my wedding."
"Daria, you listen..."
No, Mom, you listen! I've taken your bullshit for almost 18 years and I'm fucking sick of
it! You can't micromanage my life anymore! So this is how it's going to be. I'm gonna finish high
school, marry Trent, move the hell away from all of you to New York, attend NYU, and continue being
the Phantom while I'm at it. /And I don't want a fucking make-over!/"
"But you'd look so pretty!" Quinn said cheerily.
"Oh, by the way, Miss Sunshine. Jesse and Jane are getting married too."
"Yay!" said Quinn. "I'm so happy for them."
"Don't you still have that Hercules shrine in your room?"
"Yeah, but if he's happy, I'm happy."
"I'm going to Jane's." Daria said, disgusted. She left.
"So," said Quinn. "Who wants cupcakes?"
Daria went to Jane's house. No one answered the door so she let herself in and went upstairs.
She could hear Jane humming merrily in her room. She went in. Jane was at her easle and Jesse was in
her bed, asleep. Jane smiled and waved. "Isn't he just precious when he's asleep?"
"Um, he's not wearing anything under the blankets, is he."
"Oh, Daria, you have to get over these hang-ups about the human body. It's something beautiful
to be celebrated. Check out these charcoal sketches I've made of him over the past few months." Jane gave Daria a sketch pad. The contents were nude figure drawings of Jesse. The first few were semi-modest; a bent leg hid the naughty bits, his gaze was averted. Gradually, it seemed both artist and model were getting bolder. The last two made Daria blush.
"Um, they- really burst off the picture plane." she said, closing the book.
"What can I say?" Jane shrugged. "He's Dora Maar to my Picasso, Gala to my Dali, Rose to
my Jack." She went back to painting. Daria looked at the canvas. Jane had painted a pastel rainbow.
"Jane, something weird is going on. My sister was acting more annoyingly cheerful than ever.
She seemed glad you and Jesse were getting married and didn't even get upset when Mom grounded her
for not telling her I was on /Slashers/."
"Oh, Daria, you're the only person I know who would worry about people being happy."
Jesse woke up. "Good morning." he said with a pleasant smile.
"Uh, I'll just..." Before Daria could say anything else, Jesse got out of bed-stark naked-
and gave Jane a hug. "Um, yeah." Daria blushed and shielded her eyes.
"Something wrong, Daria?" asked Jesse.
"Uh, no, I just gotta go."
"How 'bout a hug?"
"NO!" Daria got out of the room fast and went to Trent's room. She dialed the number he gave her.
"Hello!" Max answered cheerfully.
"Max, is Trent up yet?"
"I got him to rise and shine and eat some waffles. Wanna talk to him?"
"Yeah."
"Hey, Daria." said Trent.
"Trent, can you come pick me up? I'm at your house and Jane and Jesse are acting really weird."
"Probably slobbering all over each other. Hang on, I'll be right there."
Daria hung up the phone and felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned to see Jesse, still naked.
"Eep!" she squeaked and covered her eyes.
"Daria," he said. "Janey and I are gonna go pick some daisies. Wanna come with?"
"Uh, that's OK, Trent's comming to pick me up. Um, Jesse? Don't you think you should put
some clothes on?"
"Oh, how silly of me." he laughed. "I must've forgot." Daria didn't uncover her eyes untill
she was sure Jesse was gone.
Daria sighed with relief when Trent showed up. "Where do you wanna go?" he asked.
"Anywhere." she said. "Just get me away from here."
"I know how you feel." said Trent as he started the engine. "Don't get me wrong, I think
Jesse and Jane make a great couple. She's helped him come out of his shell and he's helped her
calm down a little. I just don't wanna hear, see or even think about them going at it. It's like
thinking about your parents doing it."
"Speaking of shells," said Daria. "Ummm....IsawJessenaked."
"Oh." Trent shrugged. "No biggie. Accidents happen. Knowing him, he's more embarrassed than
you are. What happened? You walk in on him coming out of the shower or something?"
"Trent, other than you and my parents, everyone is acting weird today. Like someone spiked
their corn flakes with Prozac or something. Jesse just 'forgot' to wear clothes. My sister accepted
being grounded with a smile and Jane was painting a picture of a rainbow this morning."
"Max is acting pretty weird too. He woke me up at the butt-crack of dawn to eat waffles."
"Trent, for you, the butt-crack of dawn is ten in the morning."
"Good one, Daria." he laughed.
"Trent, if experiance has taught us anything, it's taught us that when people act weird,
something strange is going down."
"This looks like a job for the Formidable Four."
"Minus the two who are off picking daisies."
"Yeah. Let's see, they started acting weird last night at the Zen. Don't know if I could
take another of Jesse's bone-crunching hugs. I've got a couple of bruises last night."
"Quinn was there too. I'm suspecting mind control. I suggest we pick up Danny before we
investigate the Zen. We may need an electronics analysist."
"Great idea."
Danny answered the door at the Moreno house. "Hi, Trent. Hi, Daria. Jesse didn't come home
last night if you're looking for him."
"He spent the night with Jane." said Daria.
"Shoulda known." sighed Danny.
"Danny," said Trent. "We need you. Something weird at the Zen is messing with people's minds
and we need an electronics expert."
"Really?" Danny said eagerly. "You need me?" He was clearly flattered. "Great! First, I want
you to come to the toolshed. I've been working on something that could help the Formidable Four."
"By the way," said Daria, as they followed Danny. "Congratulations, you're gonna be a brother-in-law. Jesse asked Jane to marry him last night."
"Super!"
"Since I don't have super powers like you," said Danny. "I need something to defend myself.
And, since there's that law about not buying a handgun untill you're 18, I made this." He showed
them what seemed to be an ordinary watch. "The stem on this watch is actually a trigger for a
powerful laser capable of stunning an opponent for at least 30 minutes."
"And you learned this how?" asked Daria.
"I kinda used Jesse as a guinea pig. As a result, I got the noogie of my life and I'm doing
dishes for the next month." Danny put on the watch. He put a soda can on the window sill. "I've
been doing a little target practice." He aimed and pulled the stem. A fine red beam emitted from
the watch and knocked the can over. "Wish I had this when those goons from Slashers came for me.
Now, my next device is a pair of X-ray goggles."
"I had a pair of those when I was a kid." said Trent. "I sent three dollars and 25 bubble
gum wrappers to Fleer and they sent me a pair of glasses with those spirally things on them."
"Trent, don't even begin to compare my invention to that /toy/." Danny produced a set of
goggles with strange gizmos attatched to it. "Try them on."
Trent put on the goggles and looked at Daria. "These do work better." he said. "I can definatly
see a market for these."
"My next device concerns our need for communication in the field. Previously, we've relied on
pagers and cell phones....now, pay attention, Sir Stretchalot!" Trent was gazing appreciativly at
Daria. "That's enough of that." Danny reached over and pressed a button on the side of the goggles.
Trent's smile turned to a look of disgust. He took off the goggles.
"What the Hell was that?" he asked.
"I upped the power on the goggles. Just enough for you to see her musso-skeletal structure.
Not pretty, is it?"
"Now you know what I'm like on the inside." said Daria.
"Could we please get back to the presentation?" asked an exasperated Danny. "Now, as I was
saying, we have depended on conventional telephones and pagers for communication. If we become
seperated in the field or if secrecy is preferred, then these miniature vocal transmitters and
receivers should fulfill our needs."
"As long as it's not a shoe phone." said Daria.
"The transmitter is disguised as a fountain pen." He showed them what seemed to be ordinary
pens. "The receiver is disguised as an earring. I've made some in both pierced and clip-on varieties."
Trent took of one of his earrings and put on a large stud ring. Daria put on a drop shaped
clip-on. "You might wanna put the other one on too." Danny suggested. "It looks less conspicuous."
He clipped a disc shaped ring on his left ear. "Shall we go now?"
"Danny," asked Daria as the drove to the Zen. "How do you come up with these things?"
"Being a genius helps." he shrugged. "Plus, I pick up things at swap meets, I scrounge around
junk yards. I'm a perferred customer at Radio Shack. Having a generous millionare brother also helps."
"Danny," Trent said. "He told you that money was for college."
"A few gadgets aren't gonna break the bank. Besides, I'm thinking seriously of getting those
X-ray goggles patented. I've done the first step. I made a copy of the schemantics and mailed them
to myself so they've been dated by the U.S. government."
"Lots of luck." said Daria.
They arrived at the Zen. "It's closed during the day." said Trent. "I'll go in through the
back window and let you in."
"Be careful." said Daria.
"Got your communicator and location pellet?" asked Danny.
"I'm good." Trent went down the ally and aroung the corner. He knew there was a broken
ventalation window nearby. It would be a tight squeeze, but they didn't call him Sir Stretchalot
for nothing. He stretched up to the window and squeezed his way through. That much was easy. The
tough part would be getting down. He rememberred Kenji's training. He landed in a crouch, arms
near his sides. He stood up and heard a vaguely familiar voice.
"I'm sorry, this place is closed for the day. Come back tonight."
"Do I know you?" he asked a figure in the shadows.
"I'm afraid I'm rather bad with names. But you can call me, The Smilenator!" The Smilenator
stepped into the light. He was a small, skinny man dressed in a white unitard spotted with yellow
smily faces. He wore a yellow domino mask. Trent couldn't help himself. The outfit was just too silly.
He laughed and tried to cover it up with a cough. "Are you laughing at me or laughing with me?" asked the Smilenator.
"What do you think, dork?"
"Wait, I know that laugh. You're one of the Lane siblings! Um, Trevor?"
"Trent. But you can call me Sir Stretchalot."
"Oh, yes! Now I remember. Oh, if only you agreed to make me your mentor! You could've been
the next Walt Whitman or Edgar Allen Poe."
"Mr. O'Neil, one was gay, the other was a dope fiend."
"But they were geniuses! It's not to late. We could join forces, you and I."
"If you're the one behind the strange things happening to my friends, then I must fight you."
"Then you must DIE!" The Smilenator whipped out a ray gun and fired a laser at Trent. He deftly
averted it. Another shot. It was close; Trent had to use his stretch powers to avoid it. "Hold still,
damn you!" Trent ducked behind the stage and took out the pen Danny had given him.
"Trent, what's keeping you?" asked Danny.
"I ran into some trouble. I'll try to get to the door but be careful, he has a ray gun."
Just then, a laser missed Trent's head by inches.
"Trent, be careful." he heard Daria beg.
"I'm sure as Hell trying." he said, dodging another blast.
Outside, Daria and Danny worried. Danny put on his goggles and looked at the club. "I see
them." he said. "You should see the costumed freak he's up against. Trent seems to be holding his
own, but he'll need backup pretty soon."
"He's not hurt, is he?"
"No, but not for the freak's lack of trying."
"Danny, when that door opens we should be invisible. We'll take him by surprise."
"We?"
"I can make another person invisible while touching them. I've done it before with Trent."
She took Danny's hand and willed them both to be invisible.
"Oh wow!'' said Danny. "I'm holding hands with a girl!"
"An engaged girl." she reminded him. "A girl two years older than you."
"It's still pretty cool."
Inside, Trent was making his way to the front door. Occasionally he would throw a chair in
the Smilenator's direction to throw off his aim. He got to the door, unlocked it and opened it.
He didn't see Daria or Danny, but felt someone run past him.
"You won't escape me that easily!" The Smilenator aimed his ray gun at Trent. A red laser
beam struck the Smilenator. He went down. Danny and Daria appeared.
"Thanks for the help." said Trent.
"All in a day's work." said Daria. She unmasked the Smilenator. "Mr. O'Neil?"
"He wasn't all that good at hiding his identity." said Trent.
"Help me find something to tie him up with."
"You can use my belt." he said, taking it off. Daria just stood there. "What are you waiting for?"
"For your pants to fall down."
"Perhaps later."
Danny inspected the ray gun. "Primitive." he sighed. "I've seen better Buck Rogers props."
"Yeah, that prop nearly killed me." said Trent.
"Maybe." Danny stuck it in his pocket. "I'll do some tests on it later."
"Danny," said Daria. "Check out the karioke machine."
Danny put on the goggles and looked at the system. "Looks normal. Wait, there seems to be
a foreign object attached to the zenor diodes. I'll check it out." He took a screwdriver from his
pocket. Before he could do anything, a shuriken struck his hand.
A black clad ninja leapt from the rafters. "Don't touch that machine, you worthless man!"
"Man-Hater!" Daria and Trent chorused.
"You leave my Timmy alone! He's the only man on Earth worth living!"
"You lookin' for a fight, bitch?" asked Daria. "It's three against one!"
"We'll just have to fix that, won't we?" Man-Hater clapped her hands. Three girls in black
cheerleading costumes came out of the woodwork. They had their names stenciled on the front in
white. Daria recognized Brittany among them. It seemed she had changed her name to Felicity.
"Felicity! Joy! Mirth! Destroy them!"
"Cue the theme music!" Trent shouted, getting into fighting stance.
Felicity did a cartwheel towards Daria, intending to kick her in the face. Daria went invisable,
ducked, and did a sweep kick. Joy threw a karate punch at Trent, only to have it blocked. Trent grabbed
her arm and put her in a judo roll. Danny aimed his watch at Mirth when he was distracted by
Felicity's cartwheels. Whoa! he thought. She's not wearing any underwear! Then he blacked out when
Man-Hater struck him with a nunchaku.
The fight continued. An invisible Daria broke a chair over Mirth's head. Joy grabbed a bottle
of Jim Beam from the bar and broke it. She thrust it into Trent's stomache. His flexible skin turned
the broken glass. He grabbed his assailant's arm. "You could hurt someone doing that." he said as he
picked up the screaming girl and threw her towards Felicity, destroying what would've been a perfect
flying kick.
Man-Hater jumped on the bar with an unconscous Danny under one arm. "Surrender now!" she said.
"Or the man-child gets it!" An aikuchi suddenly appeared in her hand.
"She means it." said Daria.
"Let him go, Barch." said Trent. "He's done nothing to you."
"He was born a scum-sucking man. That's crime enough for me!"
"Let him go." said Daria. "You can take O'Neil as trade."
"It won't be that simple. Take them, ladies!"
Trent and Daria did not resist the cheerleaders this time. They knew one false move would
jeopardize Danny's life.
They found themselves in the back room, tied back to back in a couple of chairs. Danny was
tied to another chair and slowly recovering from his blow. Man-Hater had released O'Neil, who was
starting to come to. "Did they hurt you, Poopy-kins?" she asked him in a sickly sweet voice.
"I'm just fine, Luvvydums." he replied.
"Aah! Stop the torture!" Daria cried out. "I'll talk! I'll talk!"
"Sarcastic again, are we?" said O'Neil. "Well, that will change soon enough! Tonight, you
will know such giddy happiness you will never insult another person again."
"What's with the thugs?" asked Trent. "You brainwashed more cheerleaders?"
"Hey, it was a light load." said Daria.
"Timmy here had the most wonderful idea to bring peace and order to the world." said Barch,
taking off her mask. "But to carry it through, he needed me. Oh yes, he /needed/ me! In a world
where men's foolish pride prevents them from asking a woman for help, Tim alone saw the truth."
"Yeah, yeah," said Trent. "Get to the point."
"Insolent male!" said Barch. "Who told you to talk?" She kicked him in the shin. "Now then,
Tim knew the only way to bring true peace to the world would be to abolish negative thinking.
Perhaps mass hypnosis. But he needed my scientific knowledge to carry this through. I broke into
the Zen the day before karioke night and installed a device in the karioke machine that would emit
subsonic waves when the button on this remote was pressed." She presented a pocket-sized remote with
a single button on it. "The subsonic waves hypnotized the listeners into feeling what the song told
them to feel. Understand, my only problem with men is that they are largely cruel, barbaric and uncaring
for the needs of others. Timmy is a rare exception. Soon, men will be devoid of their killer instincts.
They will joyfully do anything for a woman from rubbing her feet to picking flowers for her."
"You've seen what it's done so far." said O'Neil. "No one under happy hypnosis argues or
fights. Everyone is happy! Don't you see? I've found the answer for world peace!"
"I've also planted a suggestion in the hypnosis." said Barch. "The proprieter of the Zen
will hold another karioke night tonight. Everyone who was hypnotized last night will be compelled
to bring at least two more people with them. Tonight, Lawndale, tomorrow, the world!" She laughed
evilly.
"Don't you see how wrong this is?" said Daria. "You're taking away people's free will! Do
you want a world of mindlessly happy drones?"
"Sounds good to me." said O'Neil.
"We'll leave you here." said Barch. "We must prepare for tonight."
"Daria," Trent said after they left. "You ever notice how bad guys always reveal their evil
plans after they've captured you?"
"Wonder why that is?" Daria mused.
"Ooow...." mumbled Danny. "my head hurts."
"Man-Hater clubed you." said Daria.
"Aw, man," moaned Danny. "I got us all captured, didn't I? Some sidekick I'm turning out to be."
"Don't blame yourself." said Trent.
"But it is my fault! If I hadn't been looking at that girl doing cartwheels with no panties,
we wouldn't be in this mess!"
"Well, that's a line you'll never hear Robin say." said Daria.
"Just chill." said Trent. "I can get out of this." He stretched one arm untill it was thin
enough to slip out of the ropes. After that, it was easy for him to extricate himself and untie the
others. They gathered Danny's confiscated tools. "Danny," Trent said. "Check the door. They may have
left us guarded."
Danny put on the goggles and looked. "Yeah, someone's there. It's the girl with no panties."
"That would be Brittany." said Daria. "It seems she's changed her name to Felicity and let
Man-Hater brainwash her again. I'll take care of this. Both of you, take my hands." Daria grabbed
their hands and willed the three of them invisible.
Trent opened the door and peeked out. "Felicity" was five feet from the door, back towards
them. She was popping bubble gum while twirling her pigtails with one finger. He squeezed Daria's
hand, a sign that all was clear. They quietly walked past the vacant bimbo. They were nearly at the
door when Felicity noticed something wrong. Three pairs of shoes were walking in front of her on
their own. "Hey! That isn't right!" she squeeked. She spit out her gum and did a flying leap across
the room and blocked the door. "Hold it right there or I'll blast you!" She pulled a ray gun on them.
"Oops." said Daria. The three of them became visable.
"What happened?" asked Trent.
"I'm sorry. I never tried it with two people."
"I have." said Felicity. "Kevvie and my friend Angie got together one night and..."
"I don't wanna hear this." said Daria.
"I do." said Danny.
"Hey," said Felicity. "You're not trying to-um-divide me so you can get away, are you?"
"Heck no!" said Daria. "We just wanna go find our friend, um-Buffy."
"Buffy? Who's Buffy?"
"Oh, everyone knows Buffy." said Daria. "She's a cute, popular girl who kinda walks like
this." She did a rather slithering kind of walk over to the door.
"Oh, yeah," said Trent, playing along with the ruse. "She sprained her ankle last year in
cheerleading practice and walked with a limp, like this." He limped to the door.
"Sometimes she walks backwards." Danny walked backwards out the door. As soon as they were
all clear, they ran to the Tank II and drove off.
"Hmmm...I wonder who they were talking about?" Felicity mused. "I don't know anyone on the
squad who walks like that."
"That was close." said Trent as they drove away.
"Ever notice that when the bad guys capture you, they always leave you alone with one inept
guard?" said Daria.
"Wonder why that is?" Trent mused.
"I'm still sorry I got you captured." said Danny.
"Don't beat yourself up, kid." said Trent.
"We need you to come with us tonight." said Daria. "You're the only one who can remove the
device from the karioke machine."
"Is that who I think it is?" Trent stopped the van. Jesse and Jane were walking down the
street, arm in arm. This would be perfectly normal-if they weren't both draped in daisy chains.
"Hiya, big brother!" said Jane. "Isn't this the most beautiful day in the world?"
"Um, yeah." he said. "You wanna ride?"
Jane and Jesse got in the back of the van. "Hey, Danny," said Jesse. "How's my little brother
today?" He grabbed him in a too tight bear hug.
"Jesse," Danny wheezed. "I can't breathe."
"We're all happy!" said Jesse. "Who needs air?"
"Settle down, Magilla." said Daria. Jesse let him go.
Jane blissfully admired one of her daisies for a moment. "The Zen is having another karioke
night." she said. "You guys wanna come?"
"Oh, we'll be there." said Daria.
"It's gotta be two people each." said Jesse.
"I'll ask Mom to come." Jane said blithely.
Daria and Trent shared a look. They were definatly under the Smilenator's suggestion.
"Oh gross, man!" Danny interjected. Trent and Daria looked. Jesse and Jane were passionatly
French kissing.
"You mind not doing that here?" asked Daria.
"OK." said Jane, breaking it off. "Trent, would you be a dear and take us home?"
"Maybe," said Jesse. "I can do that thing to your back that you like so much."
Jane smiled. "Maybe I can do that thing with the pineapple rings that you like so much."
"Do you wanna be tied up or is it my turn?"
Trent had a sudden urge to stick his fingers in his ears and hum very loudly. His hands
gripped the steering wheel. "Hey, Trent." said Jane. "Do we still have that strawberry syrup?"
Trent slammed on the brakes. "Get out." he said. "Both of you."
"What's wrong?" Jane laughed.
"You're both making me sick, that's what's wrong."
"C'mon, buddy." Jesse put his hands on Trent's shoulders. "You're just too tense."
"Take 'em off, or I'll break 'em off."
"To-uh-chy!" Jesse got out with Jane.
"They were grossing me out too." said Daria
"Pineapple rings?" mused Danny.
They drove back to the Moreno house. Danny had an idea. "We need to go back tonight." he
said. "But we need something to keep us immune to the hypnotic effects of the Smilenator's karioke
machine. Give me the earrings I gave you."
"We couldn't stick to getting kitties out of trees, could we?" said Daria, handing over the earring.
Danny went to work on them with his screwdriver. "All we need is a low-frequency sub-sonic wave to
counteract the subliminal waves emmitted by the karioke machine. I'll simply switch the terradine modulator
with the hyperram diode. And...there we go! Wear this earring and the machine will have no effect. I suspect
the Smilenator and Man-Hater have simular devices on their persons. They're really quite simple to make."
"Yeah, simple." said Daria, who wouldn't know a terradine modulator if it bit her.
"By the way," said Danny, as he worked on Trent's earring. "How did you manage to escape
being hypnotized the first time?"
"Ummm...." Daria blushed.
"Uh, we weren't in the club at the time." said Trent.
"Where were you?" The couple seemed reluctant to answer. "Oh, I get it." Danny laughed.
"If the Tank's a rockin', don't come a knockin'. You can tell me, you know. I'm 15, I'm not a child."
The Zen was packed that night. Daria, Trent, and Danny took a table near the stage. They were
just planning what to do when their friends arrived. "Hey guys!" Jane said cheerily. She had brought
her mother, Amanda, with her.
"So, this is where you two go on the weekends." she said, having a curious look about. "Much
nicer than the tea rooms I went to when I was your age."
"What kind of tea, Mrs. Lane?" asked Daria.
"Oh, you can call me Amanda. I've told Jesse the same."
A stiff, prim lady who looked like she was dressed for church approached. "So, you're Nicholas's
friends, correct?" she asked.
"You mean Nick?" said Trent.
"I am his mother, Hannah Campbell. I agreed to come because his attitude has changed for the better.
You don't play secular music, do you?"
"Nah, just hard rock with alternative leanings." said Trent.
Mrs. Campbell opened her purse. "Some literature for you, young man." She gave him a pamphlet.
"And one for you, and one for you." She gave pamphlets to Daria and Danny before excusing herself.
"So You're Going To Hell." Trent read.
"Be Saved Or Suffer." Danny read.
"Woman, Submit Thyself?" Daria read. "What a bitch!"
O'Neil came on stage. "Is everybody happy?" he asked. The crowd cheered enthusiastically. "I
can't hear you!" The crowd cheered louder as an invisable Daria led Danny to the machine. "I don't
think you're happy enough! Here's a song that will make everyone happy!" The music started. "Smile,"
he sang. "Though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the
sky You'll get by...if you smile..." At that moment, the mike whistled as Trent rushed the stage
and grabbed the mike from him. The crowd gasped in surprise.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Trent spoke. "This man, Timothy 'Smilenator' O'Neil ' has been tampering
with your emotions. How does that make you feel?" The audiance mumbled as they shook their heads in confusion.
"No! Don't listen to him!" O'Neil yelled.
Trent stretched out one arm to bind and gag O'Neil. "He didn't work alone. Janet 'Man-Hater' Barch was in
on it. That's her over there." He pointed to a corner where she was skulking with a bevy of cheerleader thugs.
The crowd became rowdy. Danny pointed a screwdriver at a device he had removed from the machine. "Do with them
what you will." Trent pushed a panicked O'Neil into the crowd. "Daria, some appropriate music, if you will."
Daria pressed some keys that caused the machine to play "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting".
The crowd surfed a sobbing O'Neil across the room where everyone had a turn to physically
assault him. The riotous crowd attacked Barch, whose entourage had promptly fled. She held her own
for a while, but was vastly outnumbered.
Trent sang on stage. "Don't give us none of you're aggrivation. We've had it with your discipline.
Saturday night's the night I like. Saturday night's alright for fighting."
"Janet," groaned a severely stomped O'Neil. "Help me!"
"Um, you know what, Timmy?" Barch answered, as she fought off attackers. "I really don't think
this is going to work out. You see, I need my space, and, um, good-bye!" She leaped onto someone's
shoulders, then up to the rafters. Daria went invisable and followed.
Barch got to the roof top. "No where to go but down." she heard Daria say. She looked around
and saw nobody. That meant Daria was invisible.
Barch drew her aikuchi. "You may be invisible, but you can still bleed!"
"That would require stabbing me first." A sharp blow landed on Barch's face. " I have no
intention of letting you do that."
The two women fought it out on the rooftop, no quarter given or taken. Barch brandished her
aikuchi in broad archs, hoping to slash the Phantom at least once to give away her position. Daria
grabbed her foe from behind. Barch countered by swinging her head backwards. She heard something break.
"My glasses!" Daria cried as the broken pair clattered to the roof beneath her.
"It seems we're on even footing now, Phantom." said Barch.
"I can still see well enough to kick your ass!" Barch felt a kick whiz near her ear.
"Phantom, we're not so different, you and I." she said. "We could make a memorable team.
Join me, and we will create a new world of peace and prosperity. Don't make me destroy you."
"Save your breath, Darth!" She tried to kick again. This time, Barch caught her and pinned her.
"You may be invisible, but can you fly?" Barch laughed evilly as she picked Daria up. She carried
the struggling, invisible load to the edge, where she intended to drop her foe to her death. A
stabbing pain between her shoulder blades made her stumble.
As Barch stumbled, Daria fell. Luckily, the drop was so clumsy she managed to grab onto the
cement ledge of the roof. She saw Danny's face peer ever the edge. "Daria! Daria!" he yelled. "Oh,
please don't be dead!"
"I'm right here, Danny." She became visible. "Give me a hand?" Danny helped her back on the
roof. Barch was curled in agony. A screwdriver was stuck in her back.
"You..." she groaned. "The man-child! I'll...I..." She passed out before she could threaten him.
A week later at the Lane house, Jane was snipping out a new article for her scrapbook. The
headline read "Phantom, Sir Stretchalot Foil Plans of Man-Hater, Smilenator". She went to the society
page. Their engagements had been formally announced. Daria looks really nice when she smiles. Jane thought
as she looked at the photo of her and Trent. But Jesse looks even nicer. She looked at the photo they had
posed for for their engagement announcment.
Daria came in. "Still working on the scrap book?" she asked.
"It's getting full. I may need to start a third one."
"You've been smiling all day. You're not still under that hypnotic suggestion, are you?"
"Nope. I really am happy. The real thing feels a lot better, thanks." She frowned. "There
is one thing I'm worried about."
"That is?"
"While we were under the happy hypnosis, Jesse and I had unprotected sex. He swears on his
mother's grave that I'm the only one he's ever been with, so all I'm worried about is being pregnant.
It's been a week, so I guess I can take a test. Jesse says that no matter what happens, he still wants
to marry me."
"That's not so bad. Most women have it worse."
"Yeah, but I'm not sure if I want a baby. Not right now."
Daria read the article. "The Smilenator is in a padded cell now and Man-Hater is back in
custody."
"There must be something about being a teacher that screws up your brain."
"Jane," said Daria. "When Trent and I get married next year, will you be my maid-of-honor?"
"Actually, I've been wondering how you'd feel about a double wedding."
"Frankly, I'm all for running away from my stupid family and getting married- I dunno, somewhere.
But, I'm OK with a double wedding if the guys are." Trent and Jesse came up from the basement. Jesse
saw Daria, blushed brightly and turned back to the basement. "That is, if Jesse can ever stand to be
in the same room with me again."
"He's just embarrassed that you saw him naked. I'll have a talk with him." She went to the basement.
"Hey, Daria." said Trent, having a seat. "What were you and Janey talking about?"
"The wedding. How does a double wedding sound?"
"OK by me. We don't have to do any planning now. We have all the time in the world."
"Yeah, all the time in the world." she kissed him.
That night, as Daria lay sleeping, her father woke her up. "Daria," he whispered. "Wake up."
"If the house is on fire just wrap me in a wet blanket and wake me when it's over."
"Daria, I just wanted you to know- that I love you."
"Great. I'm having that kooky dream again where my family tells me they love me. The pandas
should be here with their spaceship any minute.''
"Oh God! They're not gonna land on the roof, are they?"
"Dad, it's a joke."
"Oh. Daria, I know Quinn and your mom are tough on you, but I want you to know I love you."
"Alright, Dad, since you're family, I'll float you a loan."
"Daria, I mean it. Is it so hard for you to believe that?" Daria sighed. For a long time,
the idea of anyone loving her seemed impossible. "I know Trent loves you too. When you marry him,
Would you want me to give you away?" Before she could answer, Jake said "No, of course you don't.
It's an antiquated, sexist ritual. I feel like a fool for asking."
"Dad, you can give me away."
Jake hugged his daughter. "Good-night, Kiddo." He pulled the covers over her.
"I love you too, Dad."
He kissed her forehead and left.
IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE FORMIDABLE FOUR:
Eat your heart out James Bond.
It involves a sheep.
Let's say they were in no condition to give a statement and leave it at that.
GOD DAMMIT, WHY CAN'T I DIE?!
Anyone for s'mores?
(A/N) Less songs in the next one, I promise! "I Got You Babe" was written by Sonny Bono. "Goldfinger
belongs to Shirley Bassey. "Because You Loved Me" belongs to Diane Warren. "Pour Some Sugar On Me" belongs to Def Leppard. "Don't
Go Breaking My Heart" and "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting" Belong to Elton John and Bernie
Taupin. "If Ya Wanna Be My Lover" belongs to the Spice Girls. "You Got A Friend In Me." belongs to Randy Newman. "Smile" belongs to Freaky Pervert, oops,
I mean Michael Jackson.
OK, Danny's technical jargon: it's all bullshit. As my brother is fond of reminding me, I
don't know a thing about electronics, so I made up some words that sounded right.
Know your ninja weapons! Nunchaku (Commonly called nunchucks) are two stout wood blocks joined
by a short chain. Did you know they were orriginally used to harvest rice? The aikuchi is a short
dagger with no hilt. It's easy to hide on the person, making it a favorite for ninjas.
