i) Thanks to NYT, Sirus183, Bucky, leochick, phi4858, and Topanga. I appreciate your comments and it cheered me up to read your words after finally being allowed home!
No Distance Left To Run
Chapter Twelve
This Understanding
Jarod stretched his long body, trying to get rid of the last few knots garnered during the journey to Ben's. Finn smiled contentedly from the carrier, that had also doubled as a car seat; Jarod had silently congratulated himself on purchasing it as part of his preperations. Miss Parker had seemed reasonably impressed too, so he hadn't admitted that he'd actually bought half a dozen just in case Finn wasn't their only child. She was already put out by his disclosure that he'd had a house virtually under her nose for so long.
"Do you want to stretch your legs too?" he said softly, unbuckling the clasp that secured his son. Finn watched his every move closely, a wave of concentration present on his small face, and Jarod wondered how advanced the boy was. He hadn't had chance to read the file that Parker had obtained though Ethan had given him a brief overview of its contents; Finn was progressing at a normal rate, something The Centre hadn't seemed too concerned about. Freeing the boy's arms he lifted him out of the carrier and into his arms, Finn smiling again once he was free. The child's eyes darted around the room to gaze at his surroundings from the different vantage point before settling back on Jarod. The news that he had only one son both pleased and saddened him; the former because he didn't want any child of his to be trapped there, the latter he had trouble understanding.
"He likes his freedom," Ethan observed softly, unintentionally breaking the moment between father and son.
Jarod smiled as Finn turned to look at his uncle. "Don't we all," he said, his mind turning to Miss Parker. She had been very subdued duing the journey to Ben's, preferring to sit in the back of the car with Finn. He suspected that her impending confrontation with Ben was the cause but he now wondered if it was the realisation that she was finally free, for the first time in her life, from The Centre that was troubling her. On arriving at Ben's she had told him, when he'd gently asked, that she was okay, just eager to speak to Ben. He hadn't found the opportunity to ask her further as they'd gotten caught up in greetings and introductions. He just hoped she was okay.
"It's so nice to see you again," Ben smiled, walking into the room to find Miss Parker sat quietly. The younger men had insisted on taking over in the kitchen despite his protests. Jarod had argued that since they had turned up without any prior warning it was the least they could do and Ben had eventually conceded. Jarod had carefully suggested that he could use the time to talk to Miss Parker and he had to admit that he was curious about the circumstances of his guests' arrival, if not by the two new faces then by the fact that he was finally seeing both Jarod and Miss Parker together. They usually arrived seperately.
Miss Parker smiled briefly, "It's good to see you too, Ben." She opened her mouth to speak again then changed her mind. She had thought about the various ways to approach Ben on the journey but now she was here they all seemed inadequate. She desperately wanted her answers but a part of her feared them too.
"He's adorable," Ben said, breaking the silence and watching that smile briefly appear.
She nodded mutely. She'd let Jarod take Finn once they were all inside the house, even if he couldn't understand what was being said she didn't want him there. But she missed her boy immediately. She found it increasingly difficult to understand how a parent could do anything other than love their children. "He's your grandson," she blurted out, "Isn't he?"
Ben didn't respond. His heart beat quickly in his chest as the young woman stared at him expectantly, the resemblance to her mother never failing to affect him. He looked away nervously.
"Are you my father?" she asked, standing up and walking towards Ben with more confidence than she felt. She took a photograph from her pocket, one of the few she had decided to take with her. "Are you?" she repeated softly, holding the picture out to him and he finally brought his attention back to her.
Ben slowly took the photo from her, dropping his eyes to the three people on it: himself, Catherine Parker, and her daughter. That's how he'd always thought of the woman in front of him now: Catherine's daughter. He sighed softly. "I don't know," he replied honestly.
She exhaled slowly the breath she'd been holding onto. "But it's possible." The last time she had been here Ben had never given her any indication that he could be her father. Then again, she hadn't asked him directly either. The impression she'd gotten that day was that whatever had been between Ben and her mother had happened long after she herself had been born.
"This was the only time she ever brought you here," Ben explained quietly, his mind returning to that day. "I only saw her once a year... So it was quite a surprise when she turned up that time with you. I hadn't even known she was pregnant." He paused, turning that memory over in his mind as he had on many previous occasions. How his first thoughts at that time had been regarding the paternity of Catherine's child.
"Ben..."
He looked up at her, to the pleading in her eyes. "We had an 'understanding'. I never asked her. And she never said so, but yes... It's possible you are my daughter." He could only smile weakly as he watched her features slowly change. He felt guilty for misleading her previously.
She found herself only vaguely surprised. Everything she had discovered about her mother in the last five years had taught her that she hadn't really known her at all, not as other people knew her anyway. Her mother had lied to her, just like everyone else. For years a part of her had hated her mother for taking her own life and leaving her alone; when it had seemed that she had been murdered, she'd reverted back to her childhood idolisation of her mother and found it gave her the strength to look for more answers. That she had faked her death and lived on for a further six months while Miss Parker suffered not so far away had been another recent hurtful revelation even if it seemed that Catherine Parker had very little choice in the matter; she had done what she had thought was right. Maybe she'd had similar reasons for keeping Ben out of their lives too. But what about Ben himself? She inhaled deeply. "Did you never want to know?"
"You made your mother so happy. She'd wanted you for such a long time. I was... willing to leave it at that." He paused thoughtfully, staring into the young woman's eyes - eyes that begged the question 'why?'. He had promised himself that he would never pursue this particular avenue, yet here he was spilling everything. He'd managed to avoid the question for so long, right until Jarod had turned up asking about Catherine, and then about her daughter. When Miss Parker had turned up not long after that he was already beginning to dwell once more upon the topic. "And I was afraid that if I asked her it would spoil everything."
"I don't understand," she said shaking her head.
Ben smiled briefly, taking one of her hands in his and leading her back to the sofa. Sitting down next to her he released his hold on her, using his hand to hold onto the other side of the photo she had produced. He stared at it for a short while. "If I'd asked your mother she might have said yes and then everything would have changed. I would have asked her to stay with me and that would have put more pressure on your mother. She was torn enough as it was, she'd made vows to her husband that she felt she had to keep." His words were as good as a confession but it was still only speculation on his part. There were many things that Catherine had kept from him but he was complicit in that secrecy - he never pushed her for answers. He had always thought he had done the right thing by not asking her but then one year she didn't turn up. He had no way of contacting her, he didn't even know where she lived or where she worked. All he could hope for was that she had escaped - a hope that was dashed a few years ago. Maybe with hindsight he should have asked.
"I need to know Ben," she whispered softly, her voice breaking his concentration. He looked back to her, his warm eyes so sad. She couldn't understand how her mother had been able to leave him every year, he clearly loved her and she must have felt something concrete for him to come back each year.
"What if I'm not your father?" Ben asked gently. "The other reason I was afraid to ask your mother was because the answer might have been 'no'."
"I just want the truth Ben. I've been lied to for a long time, by the people I loved." As she spoke she realised that Ben too had lied to her in a way. "If you're not my father..." she paused, "You've got to be my father because otherwise it means Mr Parker really is a heartless bastard."
"What did he do to you?" Ben asked, his stomach lurching at the thought that he was somehow to blame. As he had done many times in the past he berated himself for letting Catherine walk away each Spring.
Miss Parker smiled sadly, ready to admit a truth she had only just come to terms with; "Lied to me for years, lied to me about... Everything." She swallowed at the lump forming in her throat but it continued to grow. "I would have done anything for him... I have done some awful things for him and he betrayed me. He stole my son."
"He took Finn?" Ben asked increduously. He sat the photo down on the empty seat next to him and took hold of her hand again. "You must have been distraught."
"I didn't even know," she said quietly, feeling his warm hands enclose her own. "Finn was created without our knowledge, my f... He even got his second wife to act as surrogate." She swallowed again at the lump, wondering if her treatment by Mr Parker was because he knew she wasn't really his daughter. Maybe he'd suspected all along.
"So you took him, you rescued your son," Ben said quietly, piecing the bits together. He had to admit to being just a little surprised when she'd turned up with Jarod and the boy. She smiled at him, adding that maybe she was just like her mother after all. "How could he do that to you?" Ben muttered out loud.
"It's the 'why' I'm interested in Ben." She shook her head sadly at the thought, "I know that we've descended on you without any warning or invitation..." She tapered off, his eyes smiling encouragingly at her, making her stumble over her next words. "Did my mother ever say anything about her work? About her plans?" It was a long shot, Ben had already said that her mother didn't talk about her life at The Centre, only her feelings. But he had also mislead her.
Ben smiled weakly, inhaling deeply before beginning. "The last time I saw your mother she seemed so... Determined. Something had changed, I think she could finally see a way out, an end." He paused, searching his memories for anything significant. "She did say something about breaking an old deal."
"You mean making a deal?"
"No," Ben disagreed, "She said breaking it. But she never told me any details, I'm sorry." The hopeful part of him had held on to the chance that Catherine had been referring to her marriage.
Miss Parker rolled the words over her mind; it was an odd thing to say but she couldn't attach any significance to it.
Ben smiled again, this time with more feeling. "She also said she would find her way back to me, once the dust had settled - whatever that meant."
Miss Parker sighed softly before smiling too; "I think it meant she loved you Ben."
"She wants him to be her father."
Jarod nodded. He'd seen it too but given the alternative candidate for that position he could quite understand why she wanted it to be Ben. He just hoped that he was right, that Ben was her father. "She just wants to know who she is, Ethan." He lifted Finn up in the air with both hands and the infant giggled happily.
"Like you."
"Yes," he replied uncertainly, swinging his son back down again. The Centre had kept his past from him for too long. His mind wandered dangerously close to that subject again and he sighed inwardly. It was very possible that the answer to the question he had sought out for so long was going to hurt. He had avoided thinking about it on the journey to Ben's but he couldn't do so any longer. He still wanted to know the truth and he felt he was closer than he'd ever been. "I should phone Dad," he said, looking at Finn. He didn't think his father knew anything more - surely he would have told him if he did? But he felt he should let him know what had happened.
"Right," Ethan answered uncomfortably.
Jarod looked up. His brother avoided his gaze nervously. "I'm sure he'd like to speak to you," he said carefully.
Ethan swallowed hard. Finding out about his mother was relatively safe; once he knew it was her voice he could hear he knew exactly how she felt. His father was an altogether different prospect and one he didn't feel like facing right then, even via telephone. "Jarod... I don't feel ready just yet." He met his brother's eyes only when he'd finished the sentence.
"Okay," Jarod said, understandingly. "I'll let him know that you're safe - is that okay?"
Ethan smiled apologetically and nodded. "Sorry Jarod, I know how much you want your family together."
"It's okay Ethan," he soothed, "I'm still having problems picturing your sister playing happy families," he added, only half joking. "When you want to know more, just say."
"Okay," he agreed, smiling more easily this time. He did want to meet his father, and his other sister eventually, but there was something he would need to do first. The whispering in his head had begun once again and as much as he wanted to spend more time with Jarod and Miss Parker, and their son, he recognised that the voices, her voice, hadn't let him down yet. "There is one thing I'd like to know," he said seriously. Jarod raised his eyebrows. "How it is that you volunteered to cook yet I seem to be doing all the work?"
Jarod ended the call distractedly. He'd waited until after they'd eaten to phone his father. The meal had passed fairly quietly, Parker had still seemed subdued but he hadn't found the right time to ask her how it had went with Ben, if she had received the news she wanted. It was obvious that something had passed between them though.
He slipped the phone into his pocket and went back inside the house. He had found it difficult to ask his father if he knew anything without sounding accusational so, instead, he had dropped what Alex had said about being a Parker casually into the conversation at which point his father had expressed his own surprise. There had followed a muted silence, only quashed when his father spoke up, suggesting they meet up soon. Jarod didn't want to voice the possibility that he wasn't the Major's son, it was something that had niggled at the back of his mind since he'd come across NuGenesis and now it was threatening to expand. He forced the thought away.
He walked further into the house looking for Parker; there was a more pressing problem he wanted to face. He found her sat comfortably on a sofa, Finn snuggled up in her arms, his head resting over her heart. Jarod paused just in front of the doorway of the room, taking up a similar position to the one he'd held earlier that day at her house, mesmerised once more. There was just something so enchanting about the scene in front of him. He was long since past denying his attraction towards her but it just seemed to grow exponentially when she was with their son. And he was going to encounter that every day now so he needed to be honest with her.
It didn't take long for her to notice his presence, her eyes drawing up to his almost instantly. Her face didn't give much away and he stepped into the room, coming to a halt in front of her. He thought about taking a seat next to her, then talked himself out of it only realising he was stood there like an idiot when it was too late. "Did Ben tell you what you wanted to hear?" he asked, breaking the silence.
"He said it was possible I was his daughter," she admitted, "And he's agreed to a blood test to find out once and for all. Will you do it Jarod?"
"Of course," he nodded quickly. "I can check us all again if you'd like...?"
"Thank you," she said softly, smiling briefly. "How about you? Ethan said you were calling your father?"
He sighed, revisiting his earlier dilemma, but this time he decided to sit down next to her. His new position allowed him to watch his son's face as he slept contentedly on her chest. He cautiously stroked the small cheek that wasn't pressed against her, his smile growing as he did so and keenly aware that she was watching him closely. "He wants to meet his grandson," Jarod offered in response, trying to ignore the real question at hand. For a long moment he thought he'd been successful.
"You're worried he's not really your father," she said as he continued to avoid her eyes. He stilled his actions, retracting his hand slowly.
"And that my mother is not really my mother," he added, finding her gaze again. "That I've been looking for answers in all the wrong places." She held his eyes and he found the clear blue a soothing sight. He had been briefly surprised to discover that Finn had inherited that feature from his mother, surprised and pleased.
She smiled sympathetically. They'd spent so long trying to find answers to their pasts, at several points Jarod had steered her towards a different track but she was beginning to believe that they were both beholden to the same path. "I think you were looking in the right place all along - your mother. We know she met my mother, maybe they both had the same plan..."
Jarod nodded silently in agreement. Alex had insinuated once again that The Centre had kept him apart from Margaret for a very good reason. His father could shed no light, maybe his mother would. He still needed to find his mother. He had promised himself that he would drop his pursuit once he and Parker had taken their son because he didn't want to risk their safety but even with The Centre gone the Triumverate were still a possible threat. He was going to have to decide, though in his heart he already had. He hadn't realised how strong his feelings for his child would be and, right then, he couldn't imagine spending his time and energy on anyone other than Finn. Except, perhaps, Parker.
His eyes fell to his son again and he laid his hand on Finn's back, deftly avoiding contact with the boy's mother. The silence continued; it wasn't uncomfortable, in fact it almost felt like he was home, which was strange as he'd always pictured a home as being a place rather than a feeling. He risked a glance at Parker and she smiled a little uneasily at him. He took a deep breath. "Parker," he began softly, but she interrupted him.
"Don't, Jarod." His face fell and she felt a pang of regret for sounding so harsh. She had a feeling she knew what he was going to say, what he had been wanting to say all day, and what she had been trying to avoid. The problem was, she was struggling herself; she was stuck somewhere between wanting him but afraid of needing him - and not wanting to admit to either. She checked herself; hadn't she promised herself a life without lies. His eyes held such sadness that she crumbled. "Chances are that's not my name, so please don't use it anymore."
He nodded dumbly, feeling quite relieved. He hadn't been expecting that. "Michaela," he whispered, the word sounding strange after all those years, "I haven't been honest with you."
She froze; a little voice whispered, rather smugly, that she had been wrong about his intentions and this is what she would get for even thinking of risking her heart. "About what?" she asked carefully.
"About us," Jarod said quietly and her eyes darted away quickly. "I know I gave you the impression that I regretted what happened between us but... I don't. I thought you did so I lied." The words hadn't come out as eloquently as he'd hoped but they still held the truth. All he could do was wait for her response. And wait.
She breathed in and out very carefully, measuring each breath. "I lied too," she whispered eventually, finally looking back to him. Less than twelve hours ago she'd come so close to losing everything and now it was all within her grasp. "I lied because I was scared Jarod." His eyes gazed warmly at her and she felt his hand slip on top of hers as their son continued to sleep on. "I still am."
"I would never intentionally hurt you," Jarod argued softly.
Miss Parker nodded; "I know that..." she started, searching for the right words. He gazed at her intently and she knew he understood how hard this was for her.
"I do want you in my life Jarod. As the father of my child. As my friend. And... more than that." He smiled at her; not that annoying grin that he would throw at her in the past but a genuine smile. "I just need some time."
Jarod nodded and rubbed his thumb across the back of her hand.
She didn't know how long she would need, declaring such a statement to begin with seemed like a big enough hurdle to clear but she did want to take her time. Finn had to come first but she knew Jarod was going to come a very close second. If they could tackle being friends first she felt they would stand a greater chance of having a future together and she couldn't really say that they were friends, not yet. At best they were allies; Jarod might know a great deal about her - she suspected more than anyone else ever had - but he didn't know everything, she would have to change that eventually and opening up to people wasn't easy for her. And though she trusted him to an extent, a trust that had been grudgingly bestowed over the years, it wasn't enough; she needed to trust him completely and not automatically jump to the conclusion that he was withholding things from her as she had that morning when Alex had made his grand announcement. The same applied to Jarod too. She could say that she knew a great deal about the pretender, perhaps better than anyone save for Sydney, but most of her knowledge was tied to the past, to their childhood. Though she knew that essentially he was the same sweet boy she'd met in the depths of The Centre - hours of interviewing the recipients of his pretends supported this - she didn't know all that much about his years on the run, other than what he wanted her to know. There were gaps - gaps that she wanted filling.
"Then we'll take our time," he said, letting go of her hand, "Get to know our son, get to know each other. When we're both ready, how about we take a step towards.. each other." He knew he was smiling widely but he couldn't help himself. Despite the past, and whatever happened in the future, she was finally willing to give him a chance.
