Act 1 Scene 12

Harry: Let's go hide in the woods.

Ron: Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's the Forbidden Forest. All sorts of creepy creatures live in there.

"Like spiders and Voldemort and Bowtruckles and pixies and doxies and those Blasted-Ended Skrewts that Hagrid created."

"Okay, I'll admit the spiders and such are bad but really pixies? They are just annoying."

Harry: It's either here of the Shrieking Shack. Let's go.

Ron: I can't believe we're going from the scariest place in the world to the scariest place in the world.

Harry: Uh, let's take cover behind this fallen tree here. (they all drop)

"Use your imagination."

"Hey Ron, hand me a Red Vine."

"Magic word Harry…"

"Do it or die."

You alright Hermin?

Hermione: Yeah, I'm alright. Are you alright Ron?

Ron: I will be after a Red Vine.

"Weasley, does the word carbs mean anything to you?"

"Malfoy, does the word twat mean anything to you?"

Harry: Listen, Hermona, what…why would you go into the Shrieking Shack if yah knew there was a monster in there?

"I like the real way better."

"Same here…trolls just can't be beat."

"Unless it's against us."

Aren't you the one that's always telling us not to go out and do dangerous stuff and never have any kind of…

Hermione: Fun?

Harry: Yeah! Ah, yes...

Hermione: You know I just thought that if for once I did something crazy then maybe you guys would like me.

Ron: Yeah well you thought wrong.

Harry: Okay, no-no-no, listen, Hermione…

"You used my name!" She kissed Harry's cheek and he blushed as Ron laughed.

"Stop showing us up Potter."

Hermione: Wait, you said my name right.

Harry: Just now? Did I? Hermin-munster?

Hermione: That is close enough,

Harry: Listen, you don't need to pretend to be something you're not just to get people to like you. I mean just look at me.

Hermione: But you're Harry Potter.

"Trust me there are times when I wish that my name was Neville Longbottom or even Dudley Dursley. They don't have expectations from the world on them."

Harry: Yes but maybe in the Wizarding World, that's true. In the Muggle world, I'm just…I'm something called a douche bag.

Malfoy and Ron cracked up. Harry glared at the two while Hermione looked disgusted and Ginny was torn between amusement and anger.

"That's brilliant!"

Hermione: A what?

Harry: A douche bag Hermin. I play guitar when everyone just wants to hang out. I make weird covers of Disney songs. Who does that?

"That feels like it should be completely hilarious but I don't get it."

The man who is playing you, Harry, is a performer for television and an artist. He covers Disney songs, which means singing them but making them a tad more original.

"Well, that makes more sense than…maybe we should look up a song of his then after this."

You see Muggles, they think I'm shit. To them, I'm just a douche bag. I'm like a…um…Jesse McCartney. Yeah, I'm like Jesse McCartney. I'm Jesse McCartney's douche.

Ron: I got a confession to make too. Back home, around my brothers, I'm kind of a douche bag too.

"You Gryffindors and sappy moments."

I'm like Sheila LeBoof, the Prince Douche.

Harry: Hey, that's okay. At Hogwarts, it's okay to be who you are. It's cool to be unique. It's alright so hey, so maybe you're not very pretty like Cho Chang or you're not as fun as Ron.

Ron: Or cool like Snape.

"Really…what is with Snape and me in these damn things?"

"I don't know Mr. Weasley. I'm in as much distaste as you are." The redhead blushed as he had forgotten the professors were here.

Harry: But you know what, you are smart like Hermione Granger.

"Ah, Harry, you're so cute!"

"Potter, stop ruining us!"

"Not my fault you suck with the ladies Malfoy."

And I for one, would love to have a friend that could do my Ancient Runes essay.

"Yes! Moment ruined!"

Hermione: You mean it?

Harry: Yeah 'cause it's due tomorrow.

Hermione: Harry, Ron! (hug) Come here.

The three Gryffindors all hugged each other on the couch as well. They were friends until the end and beyond.

Ron: Oh my god you're so soft.

Harry: Thanks!

"Uh, Ron, that's me you're petting."

"I'm not soft!" Harry exclaimed.

"Of course you're not Potter."

"Saved your ass didn't I Malfoy?"

Hermione: You guys really like me?

Harry: Well, there's just some things in life you can't go through without becoming friends afterwards. Mainly one of them being chased by a 12-foot vampire. (growl)

Ron: Whoa! (werewolf is there)

"Oh poor Lupin…"

"I can't believe how dangerous they are making him out to be."

Harry: AH! Oh we're dead as shit. We're dead!

Ron: I regret nothing.

Hermione: I'm in love with you both.

(Neigh)

"Oh my wizard god, is that Firenze?"

"That's bloody brilliant!"

"They have Firenze, Crookshanks, and Hedwig…do you think they'll have the basilisk?"

"I hope not."

Firenze: None shall harm Harry Potter whilst thy still draw breath. Get back, back you cowardly thing. Run you creature of the night and know that these woods belong to the centaurs and their kin.

"He has to be gay in this."

"Probably."

Do not worry Harry Potter and co. The beast is gone. (they bow to him)

"I don't think I've willingly bowed to anyone before."

"Nope, not us either."

"Does my situation count?"

"Yes." Four resounding voices told the Slytherin Prince.

Harry: Who are you?

Firenze: Rise, call me Firenze. It in the centaur tongue means friend.

Harry: Thank you. How did you…

Firenze: Know to save you? The leader of my tribe is a wise and powerful being. He has seen the future and thus charged the centaurs with your protection Harry. For you are destined for great things. (Ron pets him and he looks like he just had a pleasurable shiver done his spine)

"I hope you don't ever really pet him."

"Nope, don't plan on it."

Hermione: I know that the centaurs were close to extinct but I never thought I'd get to see one in real life.

Firenze: It is true. We centaurs are a dying breed. Due to a magical plague many moons ago, all females of our kind have perished.

All three guys shuddered at that. A world with no girls? Harry and Ron touched their respective girlfriends (not inappropriately you perves!) to ground them that women still existed.

We have long searched for a human mate but not one has ever survived.

"Why not?"

"Ron, let's just say that a small horse or centaur is like a broom in length and my Runes book in width."

"Holy shit and that fits?"

"Children, I believe this conversation is ending now."

"Yes Professor Dumbledore."

Harry: What, why don't they survive?

Firenze: They haven't survived coitus Harry.

Harry: What's coitus?

"I'm not even elaborating."

"I don't think you have to Hermione. Harry, looking a bit green there?"

"Ron think about it…"

"DAMN IT HARRY! NOW IT'S STUCK IN MY HEAD! BAD IMAGES!"

Harry: (Hermione whispers to him) Oh, they die because of your giant horse dong.

(Ron goes down and checks)

"A tad interested Ron?"

"I didn't know you were into bestiality Weasel."

"Shut it Ferret."

Harry: That's funny.

Firenze: Yes, it sounds like a funny problem but it's actually not.

Harry: Oh I'm sorry,

Firenze: It's alright. Listen, we've got to get you kids back to Hogwarts Castle. Harry, unless the stars are mistaken, you've got a Quidditch game that you must be well rested for.

"You men and that stupid game!"

"It's either that stupid game or constantly dueling Granger."

Harry: Wow thanks Firenze. You're so cool.

Firenze: I sure am. Well, get on my back. To Hogwarts.

The kids were laughing at the end of the video.