Shifting Sands: The Pain of Living
Chapter 12: Releasing the Past
Ben sat up that night. He hadn't been able to sleep for a couple of days now. It was getting too close to those days again. Force knows he tried to let it go and had temporarily succeeded. Though it snuck up on him one year about this same time, blasted war was ten years gone and the failure still ate at him.
He knew that he would need to put his ghosts to rest before he attempted to sift though his visitor's thoughts. 'Only if I had paid closer attention to his comings and goings. Kept watch on his changes in mood. I should have seen it in him. Did I not make the same mistake?'
He followed his memories back to the time of Meelida-Daan and his betrayal of everything he had known from infancy. The pure distrust that was thrown his way as he returned to the fold, especially that which came from Siri. The pain he experienced watching the only woman he had ever entrusted with his heart give her life to their sworn duty.
It was in this reflection that he released that he an Anakin had been much alike. Both had found causes outside themselves that they felt were worthy of separation from the order. Each had fallen deeply in love and soulbonded with another, and each had lost their other half. Only Anakin hadn't been able to do, as he had, had not been able to truly let go.
Perhaps if he had shared his losses to Anakin before he'd married Padmé he could have prevented all the senseless bloodshed. He should not have been so distracted by other duties that he shirked teaching the lessons he'd learned to his padawan.
"Would have, could have, should have, Obi-wan. You can either beat yourself up about it or you can realize something."
He'd been so lost in his own thoughts he had not heard Larn come to the door. "What's that?"
"What is past is past, live with it, learn from it but never ever let it rend you asunder." As she said this, she turned back to the bedroom.
He watched the slender woman's frame retreat into the darkness. She was right of course. Who was to say that anything that he'd told Anakin would have been heeded. He had been a full-grown man making his own decisions. For better or worse, he had made the only choices that agreed with his perception of reality. There really was not much that could have changed it.
