CH 12 – You can come home again…..

When Jess was finally discharged, the captain insisted she take some PTO time. Jessica tried to argue she didn't have any….she was still a consultant. Raydor refused her arguments, insisting she would take care of that with the department. Jess was sent home.

Knowing that, though she trusted them, she wouldn't be comfortable with the rest of the team 'visiting' her alone, Sykes and Flynn took turns staying with her during the daytime hours, Sykes showed up in the mornings for a couple hours before work, a delayed schedule thanks to the captain, and Flynn came by in the evenings, helping her to bed when she wanted it, sometimes spending the night on the sofa when he was too tired to drive home. Knowing these two were as stubborn as she was, she invited both of them to keep 'in case' clothes in her office, a converted hall closet, and whatever else they might need in her bathroom.

The few hours between their consistent visits, Jess spent in transport to from and in counseling sessions, first with Huang, then with a colleague he recommended. She allowed him to fill her in on their previous sessions, so she wouldn't be starting from scratch. It took some time for her to grow comfortable with the new therapist, but in time, she was able to start opening up again. The hypnotherapy sessions also continued. She missed her grandmother. She knew it wasn't 'real', but it was more than comforting to be able to see her again. Other times, especially when she knew Andy wasn't right outside the door, her presence in Jess' mind was a source of security as they went deeper and deeper into her resurfacing memories.

On days where she didn't have these appointments, she'd spend her time catching up on emails, surfing the net….visiting and receiving guests from the church. She and Flynn even wound up with a couple 'babysitting gigs' with the young girl who had directed her to her 'newly appointed space' in the sanctuary, even arranging a slumber party for the group's youngsters, helped out by a few of the parents as well. These visits, though sometimes a bit overwhelming themselves, made her feel needed in a way she had never been before…These kids didn't need her protection so much, like others had before. They needed her guidance…perhaps her watchful eye….and her love. They most certainly gave that back to her in bucketfuls! Neighbors from the building started coming by as well, asking if she needed any shopping done or dry cleaning handled. The overprotective Flynn was more than a bit wary of this group, especially the males, proceeding to do background checks on a number of them, including an apparently particularly suspicious 85 year old woman…who had lived in the building since she was a newlywed in her twenties!

As busy as her days were becoming with 'outside activities' as she called them, she was continuously pushing to come back to the office. Sharon still didn't feel she was ready for the full onslaught of the department, but agreed to Buzz's suggestion to 'secretly' give her secure access to a few folders in the department's drive from an office laptop he would allegedly sneak to her at home, when Amy and Andy weren't around. She would be able to quietly keep things organized and be informed on at least of the few of the cases coming in. He would give her access to selected cases. There wasn't much about what they worked on that wouldn't turn the stomach of even the strongest constitution, but he could avoid her seeing any that was or would more than likely turn into a sex crime. Though not told any of what the Captain had been privy to, he was fairly certain this was at least the realm in which her issues laid. What she wouldn't know was that Raydor and the rest of the team had agreed to and known about it the entire time.

Seeing the organizational comparisons between what she could see and what she couldn't, Tau, though more than glad for her having time away, almost couldn't wait for her return.

Days turned to weeks. Flynn, though always ready to listen, wouldn't push her for more information than she was ready to give, and never pressed for more physical contact than assisting her with any action she asked for, and the occasional gentle kiss on the forehead, cheek….or lips, when she initiated. Jess started to feel the want to tell him…the need to tell him….but she was still afraid. He was willing to see past her chair….could he see past her history….even if he could….could she…..?

"You've told me about some of the cases you've worked on, and that Lt. Flynn has been in this division for years longer than you." Her therapist asked when she brought the subject up during one of their sessions. She nodded her head. "And yet, you don't think he'd be able to handle hearing your story?"

"It's…different. The cases…they're painful….but their strangers…most will disappear from our lives after they are resolved….and then the next will come up…"

"And you're afraid the same will happen between you and him…that he'll resolve your case, and move on to the next…."

"Yes…no…I….I don't know." She stammered. She wasn't sure what exactly it was she was afraid of…she was scared he would just walk away…..but….she just couldn't think beyond that….

"You can't have a true relationship without the truth." She went on. "He's been there for you through your hospital stay. You say another officer told you he was the one who saw you and brought you there….Now he's been spending almost every evening with you. It doesn't seem to me he's afraid of whatever it is that's happened to you, but of what it's doing to you now…."

Jessica thought about it for a while…..he knew something terrible had gone on in her history, that was more than apparent now. But it was true, he had done nothing about it but be there for her. He had done everything he could for her, everything she allowed him to do….How could she hide from him now?

"I…I can't do it alone…"

"How about here….in one of our sessions…Would you feel more comfortable here?"

Jess thought about it….it was the simplest answer for one of the most difficult moments in her life.

"Yes…."

They made the arrangements…one more session on their own together, to prepare and plan what and how she would tell him. Then the following meeting, he would join in.

Flynn was almost as nervous as she was. He thought about asking Raydor, even Huang, for the information he was about to receive, so he would be able to get his initial reaction out of the way whatever it might be; anger, hurt, a need for revenge…That way, he would remain more calm and supportive when Jess told him. But he knew he couldn't do it that way. He had waited this long for her to tell him….it was her right to be the one he heard it from first.

The walked in the room and settled into the living room like setting. The tension was palpable. Jess had already taken a dose of her as-needed Valium….There was no time on earth that she would need it more than she did now. The therapist began with an explanation to Andy in regard to why Jess had asked him to come, nothing he didn't already know. She asked if he would still consent to being present for this.

"There is nothing more important to me right now than to hear what Jessica wants to tell me. I've waited a long time….I have a feeling she's waited even longer…Now, to be the one she wants to tell…I'm not going anywhere…."

This statement alone brought a dampness to her eyes that, though part of her still didn't want to show, she didn't try to hold back that hard either.

She opened with the recent history….the cases, both Markel and Mathis, and how hard they had been on her, though she couldn't consciously pinpoint why….How when the young girl had come out about her step-uncle's abuse, someone so close to her family betraying her at such a young age, something in her just broke. She went on about her sessions with Dr. Huang, and how he had brought her back to her first experience of abuse with Harris. About how her grandmother rescued her…and about how she grew up doing everything she could to make sure no one would ever be able to do anything to hurt her, or any one she cared about, anyone she could possibly protect, ever again.

Andy sat, listening to every word, nodding in understanding, at times clenching his far hand, in an effort to keep his composure so she wouldn't be afraid to come out with her full story. He couldn't….didn't want to believe anyone could do the things that had been done to her….but he had seen too much in the division not to know it couldn't be done. But to her….she was one of the lucky ones….not in what had been done, but to the extent of what she had done as a result of it. This very special victim had spent her life saving others, not as an officer and detective as he had, but in other ways, her ways, in action and example….and for so long, not even knowing the probable reason why….

"Andy….say something…." Jess pleaded, finally coming to where she could end her story, not totally able to gauge his reaction.

Andy sat quietly. He wanted to reach out and hold her, but he feared she might shrink back.

"I don't know what to say….I'm sorry….?" He attempted.

Jess looked down at her hands. It was more than he could manage…he was going to leave her…

"It's ok….you don't have to….st…"

She had misread him….she couldn't think…..This time nothing stopped the officer's instincts. He dropped to his knees, reached over and embraced her as tightly as he could…..

"I'm sorry I couldn't come up with words….Jess….nothing…..none of this could make me want to leave you…I told you that…"

This time, the moisture broke through the fragile dam that had held them back.

The therapist sat back as the couple took a few moments to recover. She then helped them to discuss what Jessica might find she was able to share about her past with the rest of the squad and how they might go about that. If it was the simple basics or the whole story, did she want to tell them one by one, in small groups, just part of the group or as a whole group….in the office or more private setting….did she want to tell them herself, or have Flynn explain some to them so she wouldn't have to go over the story herself, over and over again. They came up with a plan. At first Jess was skittish about telling Buzz and Tau…and even Provenza, but Flynn, a little bolder now, encouraged her to at least fill them in on the basics, assuring her that they would be nothing but supportive and think nothing less of her, perhaps more if it were possible, than they already did. They would also, most certainly, keep anything she shared confidential among themselves. He also filled her in more on Rusty's story, the young man she had often seen in their office who Sharon was apparently in the process of adopting. When she caught up on that…she was astounded. She would never have presumed such a quiet, yet confident child had been through such horrors. She was then determined the whole team, Rusty included, would know her story….perhaps not all at once….but with Andy's help….she was going to do it.

Slowly, they made arrangements to meet with each team member, each time with Flynn by her side, sometimes for silent support, and sometimes to help continue the story when she found herself unable to tell it herself. For Sykes, it was morning coffee when she arrived for her usual visits, now every other day. She met Provenza at a local luncheonette, with enough noise surrounding them that they would still be able to talk…but not be overheard. She made as special visit to the office to say hi to everyone at once, and to talk to Buzz Sanchez and Tau in the monitoring room, so she could be certain she wasn't being listened in on, or recorded. She even braced herself for a double header that day, talking to Rusty about it in the break room, feeling that now that nearly the whole department knew, it wasn't as necessary to keep it sooo private. He opened up to her in turn about his past, and they agreed to share more over time with each other, to help the two of them heal more…..

There was still one conversation she had held back on. The disciplined soldier in her told her it was wrong to share this information with her squad, and not her commander, but the questions of what might happen after she told Raydor made the thought of the conversation even harder to bear. She finally made an appointment to see her, requesting it be in a conference room outside the squad's purview. This time, Andy was not present as her second. This was not a conversation among her comrades. This was a report to her superior. She knew Sharon, as a friend, would be supportive, but her hands could be tied in regard to the future of her career in the department, and she did not want Andy pressed in the middle, fighting for her in a way that could be totally unwinnable.

Sharon listened intently. She had known the basics, but the details….from anyone else would be shocking, but from this woman she had found so strong, so unstoppable, it was….unfathomable. When Jessica explained her reasons for waiting for so long before coming forward to her in particular, Sharon did all she could to hold a quiet smile….That's when it started to dawn on Jess….

"You knew, didn't you…..about the computer….my access….."

The smile finally slipped by. She nodded.

"I'm responsible for every bit of information that comes through this office. Buzz would never try to put something like that out there without my knowledge."

"And I suppose the team didn't think their files were being updated by the Elves of Rivendell…."

"I highly doubt that…" she smiled finally. "Jessica, we deal with victims of every type in this office. Your…experience…makes you more empathetic….I still want you to take the time you need to come to terms with all this yourself, but when you're fully ready, I'll be the last person to allow you to be a victim of the system because you were a victim of that Ass#*!&!"

Jess closed her eyes, smiled, and sighed, more than relieved. She knew Sharon would be on her side emotionally, but to know she was with her professionally as well.

"Thank you…." Was all that she could bring herself to say.