So, I haven't updated for a couple of days because a) I have a lot of homework and b) I've got like 2 reviews on the last chapter -.-
Also… SHANE WILL NOT BECOME A VAMPIRE! just making it obvious that this is what will not happen!
I don't own anything
Friday 13th May 2011 – 6pm:
Dear diary
It's all falling apart.
He's dying – I can see it in his face, the way that he holds himself, hides away the pain from me. But he can't hide the shadow of it in his eyes, the haggard way that his face is turning, the beginnings of hollowed eyes forming.
Today, he went to the doctor. I don't know what happened, but he came out clutching a prescription which I later snagged from him to find out it was for the strongest painkillers that they produce, and also for sleeping pills. I didn't know that he couldn't sleep – I thought when I saw the prescription why he didn't he tell me.
So I exploded at him, entirely unfairly but not caring at the time because I was so pissed at him.
"Painkillers and sleeping tablets!" I yelled at him, brandishing his green prescription sheet as he looked at me in confusion from across the living room as to why I was so angry. "You apparently can't sleep and you didn't tell me!" I continued, screeching the end bit, as he flinched backwards from the venom in my voice.
"I didn't want you to worry!" he retorted, sounding quite worried and upset for keeping this from me. He walked closer towards me but I backed away, throwing his prescription at him.
"We are getting married, Shane, in less than two weeks!" I reminded him sharply, tears flooding into my eyes. I knew I was being stupid, but I couldn't help myself. "I am supposed to be your fiancée but is there any point when you don't tell me stuff like this?" I continued, sighing deeply.
Behind me, I heard Eve and Michael coming through from the kitchen and looking in confusion at what was going on. But I didn't care: I may have been overreacting but I was sick of him just pretending to be normal. I knew, I know, that he is dying – that's the reason we're getting married, because we know he doesn't have long left on the Earth with me.
"I didn't tell you because, I… I like that we can still just have fun and pretend that we're normal – if I tell you, then you worry and we just stop the fun. It ends up just being all sad and sombre and I can't cope with that, Claire, I just can't," he sighed, shutting his eyes as he collapsed onto the sofa.
I wanted to go to over to him, I really did, but I stopped myself. After all, if I did, then I sort of just relinquished everything that I had thought about, everything I had just said. I couldn't do that, for it would be like accepting that I agree with Shane about everything.
"I'm going out now," I told him sharply, not caring about what he thought or anything other than just staying sane. "I will be back later. Don't bother coming after me, please. I need time to think. I'll see you later," I continued, speaking slowly and in short sentences as I tried to just think through everything I wanted to say.
I slowly picked up my bag and jacket, slipping on my shoes as I walked towards the door. Nobody tried to stop me – it's as if they had just been waiting for me to loose it, almost, as if I have been too calm until now and that a breakdown just had to be on the way.
I headed off to the park and must have just sat on the swings for hours, feeling the sun burning the exposed back of my neck but not caring because I was thinking. I was thinking about how my life was changing, how soon everything I had would go up in smoke: I'll have no Shane; soon Michael and Eve aren't going to want me hanging around the house, I'll be utterly alone besides for vampires who aren't ever going to age. Soon, the only person I will have will be my boss, who doesn't really care for me besides as a 'friend' and that is only when he can get something he wants.
Tears filled my eyes and burnt paths down my cheeks as I thought about this for hours, just imagined Shane's face, imagining how I am going to have to cope in mere months. Soon, imagining will be the only thing I have left to do.
Then I got a visitor.
"Little Claire, I don't particularly enjoy being out here in the sun but what is wrong?" Myrnin's voice startled me so much that I almost fell off the swing on which I was perched. I yelped as I turned around to face him, his lanky frame swathed in a thick black coat and his head topped with a fringed hat which covered his entire face in shade.
"What are you doing here?" I hissed at him, wiping my eyes frantically to hide the tears he had already seen.
"I am here to see you, little one, that is all," he whispered, squatting down to look me in the eyes on an equal level.
"Actually, you look like a paedo waiting to pounce on one of these little kids," I giggled at the absurdity of it, him smiling despite himself.
"That may be other's styles, but I am simply concerned as to why my assistant and friend is so down," he said, pulling me up effortlessly and dragging me towards the building across the road, which I recognise to be the back entrance to Common Grounds. Why do I pretty much live in this shop now? "Come on, Claire, tell me," he pressed as we walked into Oliver's empty office.
Myrnin, of course, had to sit in Oliver's chair so that when he comes in later he will be pissed off – that's just Myrnin. I sat down opposite him and managed to make a small smile but it didn't get me anywhere. "Myrnin, he's dying and I just can't accept that he won't tell me anything about when he is in pain or anything," I broke down and just let it spill out of me. "I can't cope with him keeping quiet as it makes everything so much harder and I wish he would just tell me, but he won't!"
He studied me with an intense expression, before nodding slowly, evidently finding something that he expected.
"Last time I checked, he was male," he commented, making me confused.
"Yeahhhhh," I said, not really understanding the context of his statement, until he continued.
"Well, you see little Claire, men don't like showing their weaknesses to the women they are supposed to be protecting, or are with, for they think it makes them look weak and they fear their woman will leave them," he continued his thought and it clicked into my head. He doesn't want to hurt me by telling me, but he doesn't want to appear weak either – of course, he would have to be a masochistic manly man, wouldn't he? Couldn't I have gotten a man who was in touch with his feelings and told me everything I want to hear?
I asked Myrnin this, and he burst out into huge guffaws of laughter, shaking his head. "They don't exist Claire… unless they're gay… in which case, Oliver should be perfect for the job!" he chortled at his own desiccation of Oliver, who wasn't even there to defend himself… there's a difference between insulting someone to their face and insulting them behind their back.
"I heard that," a dry voice came from the door, and I realised that Oliver had heard, that he was present. His focus came to me and I shrunk back from his glance before realising it seemed… soft. "Claire, there is a mocha out there for you. I have unfinished business with this moronic baboon here," he told me, smiling slightly (WTF?) before turning back to Myrnin with a grimace.
I couldn't have gotten out of there fast enough. I smiled at him on the way out (scary thought, smiling at Oliver optionally) and ran out into the bar and began to drink the mocha.
So here I am, writing this all down now before I forget it when I return to Shane. I've been out for hours, but true to my request, nobody has phoned me or ran after me or anything. But the story will be different after dark – and it will be dark in an hour.
So I should finish my coffee and go home. go home to my fiancé. Go home to my Shane, my dying lover.
I need him.
Whatcha think?
Sorry, more depressing than usual but I decided that humour could wait another chapter (and the amount of crack fics/fics with my own characters in have basically taken every ounce of humourority out of me)
Review, please!
Vicky xx
