A/N: So, everybody was excited about what happened in the last chapter at the very end. Trust me, the beginning of this one is along the same lines of that. I'm sure you'll be happy to read it.

The title is from an unreleased song by The National of the same title. It's a good, good one. Listen to it. Enjoy this chapter first, though!


Chapter 12 - You Were A Kindness


Derek has no idea what is happening, beyond the fact that Meredith Grey is kissing him.

They are scrubbing out after a successful surgery, their hands still humid and raw, and before he knows what's going on, Meredith lunges forward and kisses him.

He has to admit there was a little flirting in the OR – veiled, nothing too heavy – but he never expected to win such a kiss after that.

To be honest, he was flirting only because it is endearing to see Meredith flustered, but she's getting better and better at reining her emotions. Well, or so Derek thought. Now his brain can barely process coherent thoughts in the first place.

He can feel her warm hands on his chest as he rests his right one between her cheek and neck. It took him completely by surprise for the first couple of seconds, but now he's an eager and active participant in the kiss.

When they pull away, Meredith looks gorgeously flustered.

"Shit," she mutters between herself, and all the endorphins quiet down in his brain.

Meredith backs away, putting a couple of steps between them as she stares at him, frightened.

"Meredith, – " he begins, trying to reassure her, but she never lets him finish.

"Shit! That was not supposed to happen," she says, taking a deep breath, her gaze cast low now.

"It's okay."

"No, Derek, it's not. I have two kids that depend on me to be balanced and organized, one of them who needs a new heart too. I don't have time for romance, I can't –"

"I get it. I know Logan and Ethan are your priority."

"Derek, Europe was all-consuming. I can't do all-consuming again."

Derek sighs. He knows she's right, he doesn't feel like going through all the Europe feelings again, he knows they're different people now, more adult and established. It was indeed easy to fall back into the usual trap of feelings that gripped them for their vacation. He agrees one-hundred percent with her on the fact that they can't do that again; what he doesn't agree on is the fact that they can't do it differently, because he knows there's a lot of potential for them.

After her confession about Logan's sickness and the on call room night, they have been pretty peaceful around each other. The tension seemed to have disappeared, in lieu of a peaceful support. Now all the animosity is roaring back to life.

Derek lets her disappear out of the scrub room, knowing that not chasing her it's what he does best; his heart feels heavier. Even if she exposed her vulnerability, he wishes he could be there for her to feel vulnerable with. He wishes they both could be as raw and broken as they can be with one another, but they haven't regained that level of trust, yet.

He walks slowly back to his office, trying to wrangle his brain back into work mode, but it's quite unsuccessful. He's only grateful work means only a couple more hours of paperwork and an easy ER consult, nothing more complicated than that.

His head feels lighter and heavier by the time he's sitting on his porch, sipping a glass of scotch and staring at his land. Fall is here, and he's bundled in a blanket. The only sounds in the night are his breath and a few wild animals scampering for food.

When his phone rings he's so startled he drops it. Luckily, he can answer the call before it goes to voicemail.

"Uncle Derek!" Annabel's voice makes his heart sing for a few seconds. That girl has a special power over him.

"Hey there, my Annie-Mer! How are you doing?"

"Good. Are you working?"

"No, not this time." She tried calling a couple of days ago and he had been in the middle of a surgery. The entire OR staff had been pretty curious and amused to discover how much his niece loved surgery.

"Cool. It's weird if I call you and you're cutting somebody's brain open." He can clearly hear Lizzie call her full name and surname after that, but he only chuckles.

"It is. And I'm sure it's distracting when I ask for instruments. I'm sorry I'm at work most of the time."

"Daddy works lots too. And you worked lots when you were home too, I remember."

That he can't deny. "So, how's school?" he asks, changing the subject to shift the conversation onto easier topics.

"Pretty cool. We have a field trip coming. We're going to the museum!"

"Which one?"

"Mmm...the one all about science, I think?"

Derek laughs. The New York Hall of Science in Queens is usually a hit between all his nieces and nephews, so he's not surprised they're taking them there. "Have you ever been there?"

"Mommy says no. I'm excited! I'm gonna share candy with Remy on the bus and we'll have so much fun!"

His laughter bubbles up again. Candy is something to be very excited about when you're eight. "That sounds awesome!"

"Have you ever been to the museum, Uncle Derek?"

"Yes, a couple of times. You'll love it, AM."

"I know," she says, and she's probably shrugging. Man, he misses his niece. "Uncle Derek, Mommy told Daddy you have a girlfriend when I wasn't supposed to hear, is that true?"

Derek's eyes widen. Is that what his family thinks back East? "I have no girlfriend, Annie. You are the only woman in my life."

"But Uncle Derek, I think I want to ask Will if he wants to be my boyfriend, is that okay?"

Derek sighs loudly, pretending to be hurt. "I guess. Is he a nice boy? Or do I need to join your daddy and interrogate him?"

"Will is super nice! He shares his eraser with me all the time and we always sit together at lunch. He doesn't care that I'm a girl."

"Well, sounds like a nice guy," Derek says, fake-pondering over her answer.

"I'm not breaking your heart, right?"

"Oh, Annie Mer, never. You'll never break my heart."

Annabel laughs, and his heart feels heavy. It will feel bittersweet indeed when she'll have a serious boyfriend or a husband, but that's life. He'd be happy to babysit her children when he'll be alone and retired.

That's how he sees his life going now, a lot of loneliness after he stops being a doctor. His dreams of a family have been set aside, to make room for being a good friend to Meredith and an incredible doctor to his patients. That's it. That's all Derek Shepherd will be, and he needs to learn to accept that.

"Okay, Uncle Derek, I have to say goodbye. Mommy wants to talk to you!"

"Alright. Be good and don't eat too much candy, okay?"

"Kay! Love you!"

"I love you too, Annabel Meredith."

There's a static shuffling sound before his sister can greet him.

"How are you doing, Lizzie?"

"How am I doing?" She's giggling.

"Liz, Meredith is not my girlfriend."

"She used to be, and now she's right there with you." Now she sounds just like she did when she was eleven, teasing him about his first crush.

"She wasn't my girlfriend back then and she has seven-year-old twin sons now."

"Oh, wow. That's...wow." Lizzie clearly pauses, which gives Derek room to take a deep breath. "I thought it was going well with you two."

"It's...We fought a lot at the beginning and now we're kind of friends, but it's complicated."

"Why, because she has kids? You love kids. Derek, you love Annie as if she were your own. Hell, sometimes I think you love her more than my husband."

"What? What did Joel do? Are you guys okay?"

"I think it's just a rough patch. We're trying to work things out."

"Oh, Lizzie, I'm sorry."

"Hey, that's life. Always delivering low blows."

"You're preaching to the choir." He sighs. He can't believe his sister is not doing okay anymore. Her family was always picture-perfect, the family Derek strived to have, even if he's not sure he might survive the six kids.

"Where's the kids' father?" Lizzie asks, turning the conversation around.

"Not in the picture. I can't bring myself to ask. I suspect he might have been a one night stand kinda guy, not long after we came back from Europe."

"Oh, makes sense. You came back the day Annie was born or around it, right?"

"Yeah." The day is imprinted vividly in his mind. "I have no idea when they were born, though. Maybe she was already pregnant when she was in Europe and she didn't know, I have no idea. I doubt we'll discuss that anytime soon."

Lizzie sighs. "Derek, I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It's getting easier. At least she's here, you know? And I can be there for her."

"That's good."

"The younger of the two, Logan, needs a heart transplant, so I might be a little busier when it will all start falling into place. I told her I'd help her out and I plan on being there for them."

"Oh, Derek. Are you sure you can?"

"I need to. I like her boys, and she can't do everything alone. She needs people. I mean, who's a better choice, me or Ellis Grey?"

Lizzie giggles. "You have a point."

"Ellis Grey is strangely very grandmotherly with those boys, you should see that. A sight to behold. Maybe she's getting senile."

"Derek!" Lizzie exclaims in her mom voice. Derek laughs. "I read her papers sometimes and she's still brilliant."

"Indeed. I'm kidding. I have to laugh about this situation Liz or I'd be overwhelmed. Humor is my only way to deal with this."

"Always the deflector, eh?"

He's not proud of it, but he nods. They hear a crash from the phone and Lizzie sighing loudly. "This time I hope it's the dog, I really don't want to spend the rest of my afternoon in the ER for somebody's stitches."

Derek smiles. "Good luck with that. I'll call you and Annie sometime this week, okay?"

"Bye, Derek!"

All the flurry of family and smiles disappears as the phone goes silent. The ice in his scotch has melted and it's even colder outside now.

He shivers, unsure if it's from the cold outside or the chills in his heart.


After that evening call and the subsequent two glasses of scotch, Derek has made peace with himself and slowly even Meredith became more friendly with him. It took her a couple of weeks to actually say good morning first, but now everything is on the same plateau they were at before she kissed him.

Not bad, but it could be better.

He still hasn't figured out much more about Meredith's life in the years they've been apart nor more details about her sons, but he has seen Logan come in for tests a couple of times, which he's not sure if it's a good or a bad sign.

His life now is packed with a lot of surgeries – most of which he tries to schedule Meredith in – and a glass of scotch each night he makes it home, as he stares into the darkness of his forty acres of land.

Miserable is not an adjective he'd use to describe himself, but Derek is pretty sure life should have a bit more to offer.

He scrubs out of his latest surgery thoroughly, for a moment dreading the paperwork. He just wants to drop everything and have lunch. He's not looking forward to telling this family that their teenager might never wake up again after the car crash. There's hope, but not enough for him to be hopeful. It's the family's job the be hopeful, now.

"I'm sorry about Anthony. You did your best." Meredith exits the OR a moment after him, bringing him the hope he needs.

"Sometimes your best is not enough."

"I hate this part of the job."

"Me too," he says, sighing loudly.

They share a look as they scrub out, before Meredith reaches for his hand under the faucet and squeezes it. It's firm and tight, a sign of support and closeness they haven't shared in a while.

"I know you said you want to be there for me, but I can be your friend too."

"Meredith –"

"Yeah, there's a lot on my plate, but I can make room for some of this when you need to."

"Oh," he murmurs, unable to say something more coherent. Thanking her should be a given, but words are stuck in his throat, between all the words for Anthony's family. He settles for squeezing her hand back, rubbing her flesh, unable to let go.

The smile she gives him will let him function for a week more.


A/N: You thought I forgot all about Annabel, uh? While she's only a recurring character in this one, she's really helpful at times, so expect her to show up again! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and stay tuned for more!