"Knock, knock," Emma called out, sliding the key into her sister's lock. "Everybody decent?" Alex stepped out of the kitchen, and Emma whistled. "Damn, child, why didn't I get a body like yours?"
Alex laughed, brushing off a few stray crumbs from her pre-dinner snack off the very little black dress. "Leave it to you to be an hour late for your own birthday dinner," Alex chastised, moving over and hugging her sister. "And you look pretty good yourself. That new?"
Emma twirled in her Chinese-print red halter dress. "I was feeling spunky. Olivia here? Wait, what kind of question is that. It's a day ending in 'y'; of course Olivia's here."
Alex chuckled. "She's finishing in the bathroom. We'll head out of here in about ten."
Emma nodded, flopping on Alex's couch. "Gables could not be going any worse," she informed her sister, referring to the new restaurant she was designing, "that's why I was late. Sorry."
Alex waved her apology away. "At least you remembered to call this time. I was able to move the reservation back; no problem."
"Where are we going, anyway?" Emma asked eagerly, sitting up and watching her sister straighten the apartment. "I hate surprises."
"Since when?" Alex rolled her eyes. "I hate surprises. You thrive on them."
Emma pondered her point for a minute. "Well...okay. But you're terrible at surprises."
Alex leaned down, slipping a jewelry box next to her sister. Kissing her sister's temple, Alex grinned. "You forget I had help this year."
"Presents!" Emma fingered the box. "Can I open it now?"
Alex shrugged. "Sure."
"Are there more later? Or should I savor this now?"
"Open it," Alex ordered, grinning.
Emma tore into the package, her enthusiasm belying the fact she was one year closer to 30. She fingered the Zales box, and sucked in her breath at the three-stone diamond pendant her sister had chosen for her. "Oh, Allie," she breathed. "God, it's gorgeous!"
Alex smiled. "I think there's supposed to be a meaning as to what the three diamonds represent. I figured it could be you, me and Olivia. All stacked on top of one another, holding each other up."
"Also, we're pretty and damn expensive to make happy," Emma added, throwing her arms around her sister. "Thank you!"
Alex rubbed her sister's back. "Anytime, baby girl. Well, not any time; my paycheck's hurting from this one."
"Will you fasten it on me?" Emma asked, raising her hair.
"I'd have to search high and low for my glasses to see that clasp," Alex said after a minute of inspection. "Hey, honey?" she called into the back of the apartment. "Can you come help us out here?"
Striding out of the bathroom, Olivia dried her hands on her black pants as she came into the living room. "Did one of you get a bullet wound again?" she teased. "I told you to stop playing 'Alias' with my guns."
"Hey, that only happened once when Al forgot she was SpyMommy and I was SpyBaby," Emma retorted, giggling.
Alex rolled her eyes, delicately handing Olivia the necklace. "I can't see the clasp. Would you mind?"
"Not at all. Turn around, SpyBaby." Olivia draped the necklace around Emma's neck and fastened it with a triumphant, "There!" Turning Emma to face her, she admired the diamonds as they sparkled. "It looks great. Happy birthday, Emmy."
"Thank you," Emma replied, hugging Olivia. "All right, who's stahvin', Jahdan?"
"You and the Boston accent," Alex admonished. "Let's go, Nomah."
They hailed a cab, which promptly swerved with Emma's scream as Alex told him to head to the Russian Tea Room. "Allie, you didn't!" she squealed, quieter this time.
"You've been saying you wanted to go there for six months. What kind of a sister would I be if I didn't listen?"
"A much richer sister," Emma replied, grinning like an idiot.
Alex looked at Olivia. "She's right. Damn."
They pulled to a stop in front of the restaurant, Emma's lateness working in their favor for once, since they ran into very little traffic.
Alex wrapped her arm around Olivia's waist as they approached the maitre'd. "Reservation for Cabot," she informed him.
"Of course, ma'am. Right this way, please." He led them through the restaurant and towards one of the banquet rooms. Emma was chattering about nothing in particular, really, except to mention that she'd spoken to Erin earlier in the day. Alex's heart nearly stopped; if Jacobs had spilled the beans... But instead, Emma said that Caroline had requested a continuance in their civil matter, as she had to head back to Atlanta to deal with a personal crisis. Emma hypothesized that it was a standing waxing appointment for her unibrow, but you never could tell with the Cabot sisters. As the maitre'd led them into the dimly lit private room and flipped the light on, Emma stopped her jabbering.
"Surprise!" the room hollered in unison, knocking Emma back into her sister. Emma's mouth dropped open, and she was immersed in stunned silence for a minute before she turned and socked Alex in the shoulder. "You bitch!"
Alex laughed, but rubbed her shoulder discreetly. "Honey, you told half of New York it was your birthday. I just invited the rest of 'em."
"Oh, my God," Emma gushed, heading into the masses of people and hugging everyone she could. Alex waved hello to Cragen, Elliot and Kathy, as Emma hugged Munch for all she was worth. She looked up at Olivia, still laughing. "I'd say we surprised her."
Grinning back, Olivia nodded. "For all the planning we did, it better have worked."
Alex chuckled, waving to Jess from across the room. Her smile was maintained as she said discreetly to Olivia, "Did I mention how utterly delicious you look right now?"
"No, you didn't," Olivia replied with a cordial smile. "Decide where you wanna do me later," she chuckled under her breath, careful to avoid the "F" word, as it seemed to be a trigger for Alex's unpleasant memories. "I'm going to go say hi to Munch. That oughta kill my libido for an hour or two." She released Alex, strolling across the room to clap the other detective on the back.
"Great party, Olivia," John replied to her greeting, trying to figure out what the little stuffed things he was popping in his mouth actually were.
"I figured a cash bar and crab puffs would tear you away from the Playboy Channel for a night," she teased, as their colleagues migrated toward them.
"It was a tough decision, but when Alex promised Emma would most likely do her version of 'Son of a Preacher Man' after a couple of shots of tequila, I knew you had won," Munch responded with a chuckle.
"Alex told us it would be the theme from 'Coyote Ugly'," Elliot chimed in, but Cragen shook his head.
"If she has tequila, it'll be 'Building A Mystery'. If it's vodka, she'll sing 'It's Raining Men'."
"How sad it is that an entire squad of the NYPD knows my sister this well," Alex interjected. "Unfortunately, you'll have to wait until another function to see Emma in action. She's decided she actually wants to remember this night, so she's not drinking."
"That's no fun," Munch complained.
"Well I guess you'll just have to settle for the DJ, boys." Olivia reminded Elliot about a report that was due the next day, before Alex dragged her off to a corner table.
Alex slid into the booth, pulling Olivia against her side. She kissed her discreetly before settling on holding her girlfriend's hand in the candlelight for a moment. "Hi," she whispered, rubbing Olivia's thigh.
"Hi," Olivia murmured, trying not to jump too high and give away Alex's discreet movements.
"How was work?" Alex asked, continuing her ministrations. "I didn't get to see you today."
Olivia nodded. "I know; we were slammed. Sorry about canceling our lunch, but Cragen was riding me an' Elliot hard to get something on the Corelli murder."
"Ah, it's all right. I worked through a bunch of backed files anyway. Unfortunately, being in at lunch meant Liz Donnelly cornered me. Apparently, there's a conference going on this weekend up at Boston University about the advances in prosecuting cases involving exploited children. Since we've seen something like a twenty-five percent increase in those kinds of prosecutions, she nailed me to go. It'll be interesting - representatives from the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children are the keynote speakers - but it means I leave tomorrow and get back late on Sunday." Alex rested her hand on Olivia's knee. "Sorry. I know we had plans."
"It's okay." Olivia hid her disappointment well. "You'll just make it up to me the weekend after. And the next month..." Her eyes lit up. "My birthday." Olivia had always hated the anniversary of her birth – partly because of the circumstances surrounding her conception, and partly because her mother never seemed to put the vodka down long enough to remember the date. But since she and Alex had been together, they had celebrated every year with a quiet, candlelit dinner, and Olivia's loathing of her birthday had morphed into child-like anticipation.
Alex made a contented noise from the back of her throat. "If you think this was a birthday celebration, just wait and see what I have planned for you." At Olivia's concerned look, she leaned in even closer. "No potential mosh pits for you. Think lace teddy, hot tub, candles, and no work for an entire weekend."
A teasing twinkle lit Olivia's face and she couldn't hold back the giggling snort that burst forth when she asked, "You really think we can fit Emma in the tub with us?"
Alex pinned her with a prim look. "I'm giving her the wrong directions. We go north, she ends up somewhere in Pennsylvania."
"As if Emma follows directions," Cragen interrupted gently. "Olivia, can I steal the counselor for a dance?" He motioned to the cleared center of the room, where the DJ was pouring forth 'Someone To Watch Over Me'.
"Sure, Cap, why not." Olivia leaned back and smiled at Alex.
Alex smiled as she slid out of the booth, taking Cragen's hand. As they moved on the dance floor, Cragen pushed aside the memories of holding her and spoke quietly in her ear. "I got confirmation today about Boston."
Alex took a deep breath, but continued to smile, for fear of tipping anyone off. "What names did you use?"
"The hotel room's in my name. We're on the same flight to Logan. You get the aisle."
"What, you actually want to have kneecaps when you land?" Alex kidded, remembering the few flights they'd taken together, where his long legs would get attacked by the beverage cart.
Cragen chuckled. "Did you confirm your appointment?"
Alex nodded. "I talked to your friend Krista today. I'm under a pseudonym in the appointment book, and she'll keep all records with my actual name completely confidential. You must have drilled the importance of confidentiality pretty hard into her."
Cragen shrugged. "Whatever it takes."
Alex took another deep breath. "Thank you," she said simply, not really knowing what else to say. He knew everything that had gone on in the past week, and they'd discussed it at length. It was the only thing she really could do. Part of her still hurt at not being able to tell Olivia, but Alex knew instinctively the detective wouldn't understand her decision. She was carrying a child of rape, just as her lover's mother had. And while Olivia's mother had decided to keep and raise the baby, Alex just couldn't, for so many reasons. It didn't make her decision any easier. Every time she looked at Olivia, another part of her broke.
Cragen pulled her minutely closer, dragging Alex's thoughts back to the present. "You're doing the right thing," he assured quietly as the song ended. "It'll all be over soon."
Alex smiled, kissing his cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow," she whispered.
"Count on it." He let her go, still reluctantly, and watched her sneak up behind Emma, who was talking excitedly with a group of friends.
Alex animatedly joined the conversation, and Emma slipped away, sliding in next to Olivia. "You having fun?" she asked, swiping a sip of Olivia's water.
Olivia smiled, taking her water back. She kept one eye on Cragen, across the room, wondering what he'd seemed to be speaking to Alex so intently about. "Yeah, you?"
"A blast," Emma enthused. "Thanks. You didn't have to do anything like this. I mean, Alex did, but you being involved makes it that much more special."
Shrugging, Olivia sipped at her Evian. "It's okay. I'm glad we could do something for you."
Emma tilted her head, watching Olivia's eyes dance away. "All right, Benson. Out with it. What's bothering you?"
"Nothing," Olivia said, a little too quickly. "I just had a long day."
Emma raised her finger, making an intermittent beeping sound until she was pointing directly at Olivia, when the beeps became one long, shrill beep. "Ah, the trusty bullshit meter. Works every time." Emma cocked her head and implored Olivia with her baby blues. "Olivia, we talk almost every night, about almost everything. I can tell when you're holding back on me. Now, you can either tell me now, or I can sit here and bug you for the rest of the night until you do tell me. Your choice."
"It's your birthday," Olivia pointed out. "You'll only bug me until I point and yell 'Cake!'."
"I'll bug you, get cake, and then come back and bug you some more," Emma retorted. She placed a hand on Olivia's and offered a sympathetic look. "It was just a dance. She's going home with you tonight, you know," she said. "Find me later if you want to talk some more."
Olivia matched Emma's cocked head, turning to face her. "It's not that," she said, contradicting her reluctance to discuss it. "It's just that...for as well as Alex and I have been getting along lately, something's missing. She's holding back, and for the life of me, I can't figure out what it is." She sighed, long and low. "I know she's telling Cragen stuff about the rape that she can't tell me. And it's okay," Olivia hurried on. "That's not the problem. The problem is that there's something she's discussing with him that she should be telling me, and for some reason, she feels like she can't." Olivia pinned Emma with a knowing gaze. "Has she said anything to you?"
Emma shook her head. "No, she hasn't said word one. I figured everything was fine, considering just how well you two are doing. Look, Liv, what I do know is just how much she loves you, and how much her trust in you is growing. I doubt she's holding anything back from you, but if she is, she'll tell you in time. I have no doubt about that."
"I know she's holding something back, Em. I'm sure of it." Olivia watched Alex giggling with Jess and Erin, her expression conflicted. She wanted to believe everything was fine, but she just couldn't. "If she tells you, I don't expect you to rat it out to me," Olivia assured her. "Just...tell her she can tell me anything, okay? It won't change us."
"Of course," Emma assured, worried. "You can tell her that, too, you know."
Olivia returned her gaze to Emma, nodding as she sipped her water again. "I have," she said quietly. "The message just isn't getting through."
"I wish I knew what to tell you," Emma said after a moment. "I would tell you to be patient with her, but you're freakin' Mother Teresa. I'm sure everything will work out. Have I ever steered you wrong?"
"No, but only because I don't let you drive," Olivia teased. "Now stop sitting here in the pity corner. Get out there and enjoy your party."
"Okay," Emma acquiesced, leaning in and kissing Olivia's cheek. "Love you."
"Love you, too," Olivia murmured, her heart relaxing under the comfort of having someone to talk to about her concerns.
Emma slid out of the booth and rejoined her party, leading to several highlights, the most obvious being her tango with Munch to Kelly Osbourne's cover of 'Papa Don't Preach'. Alex succeeded in dragging Olivia out onto the dance floor for a number or two, and returned to her girlfriend as it approached midnight. Alex sat across from Olivia this time, lacing her fingers with the brunette's. "You ready to blow this pop stand?"
"Just about. I'm gonna say goodbye to a few people. Meet you at the door in five?" Olivia bargained.
"You got it." Alex squeezed their linked hands and headed for the coat check, pausing to say goodbye to Emma and wave briefly to Cragen and the rest of the SVU squad.
Olivia made her goodbyes to her colleagues, Jess, Erin and a few others she'd met over the course of the night. Seeking Emma out, she hugged the blonde tightly. "Happy Birthday again," Olivia grinned genuinely at her. Lowering her voice to a teasing whisper, she added, "Maybe for your thirtieth, Alex and I'll give you a nephew." Turning, she headed for the door.
Emma cracked up, her laughter announcing Olivia to Alex before the brunette appeared in the flesh. Alex handed Olivia her leather jacket, pulling her own coat more tightly around her. "I don't think I've been up this late since I passed the bar," Alex said, smiling at the door attendant as he hailed a cab for them.
"I'm always up this late, 'cause I can't pass a bar…without going in," Munch cracked, passing them in the hall.
Alex groaned at the joke. "The day you pass a bar is the day Guiliani's plan to clean up the city actually goes into effect. You know, John, Emma tells me the types of bars you frequent are actually known by the general population as 'strip clubs'," she teased.
Rolling his eyes, Munch turned to walk toward the nearest subway stop. "Emma wouldn't know a strip club from a hole in the ground," he threw back sardonically. "Besides, the only time she's seen me in a bar, she was dancin' on it."
Alex grimaced playfully. "Ooh, too much information. Good night, John."
"'Night, Alex. Olivia." He strode off down the street, whistling 'Baby Got Back'.
* * *
The two women stood in the darkness, illuminated only by the iridescent glow of the streetlights reflecting off them. Olivia maintained the strained silence, unable to make idle chatter with the growing rift she felt between herself and Alex.
Alex looked down the street for a cab, her mind a myriad of guilty thoughts. She had never been a coward before, always able to stand up for what she believed in and to confront those who needed confronting, but now, as Olivia's perfume and Emma's laughter draped over her, her long-touted ideal of 'doing the right thing' was slipping away. "Liv, I..." she stuttered, turning away from Olivia again. "What's the matter?" she finally asked, watching Olivia drift further away from her.
Shrugging, Olivia gestured down the street to a bus shelter, posters plastered on all sides. "Check that out," she muttered. "How adorable is that?" 'That' was a poster featuring the virgin Mary and baby Jesus, cuddled together in front of a roaring fire in a modern home. The caption read, "Invite the Lord home for Christmas." Beneath it was the addendum, "Doesn't the Baby King deserve your Love? Brought to you by the First Church of Christ, 5th Street, Manhattan."
Olivia sighed softly, her thoughts pounding against her temple for release. "When are they gonna get it?" she fumed. "Fuck Jesus." Realizing what she had said, Olivia glanced at Alex before returning her gaze to the offending advertisement. "I mean...forget the whole baby Jesus thing for a minute. There are tens of thousands of people in this city who abuse or neglect their kids, and all these fucking people can think about is whether or not those same kids are getting religious education? How about worrying if they're getting enough to eat, or if they're getting the meds they need. How about thinking about all of those kids, instead of being worried about one who's been dead for two thousand years." Olivia glared at the poster, wishing she could rip it down - but knowing another would appear in its place by the next morning. "I know I'm ranting." She turned again to Alex, meeting those deep blue eyes. "But I just wish to God," she added emphatically, "that all these Jesus-freaks could see their 'Lord' in the eyes of the thousands of kids I see every year, who come to me damaged, broken or dead. I wish they could see the innocence that's been ripped away from them like I do. I wish—" Olivia seethed, "I wish I had some kind of power - you know, like the good witch in 'The Wizard of Oz', when she branded Dorothy to keep her safe? I want that - some power to make these people see how beautiful each and every one of those children are." She ran out of air and momentum, and paused to take a deep breath.
Alex had heard Olivia's vehemence before, and had listened to many of her rants, but this one caught her off guard. She had never lashed out in public before, only in the confines of their apartments, and Alex had never heard her be critical of organized religion like that. But Alex knew that the poster was a scapegoat for the larger problem of kids having to be afraid of their own parents. Alex sympathized as best she could; she was undoubtedly affected by the cases she prosecuted, given her family's history going through abuse, but she'd accepted long ago that she would never fully understand what Olivia saw day in and day out. "Maybe the poster will serve as a reminder of just how important and influential children are," she offered after a moment, her words ringing lame and trite. "Jesus was a baby who changed the course of history, depending on who you ask. This child was nurtured by his parents, and sent off to do amazing things. Maybe some people will see that all children have that opportunity."
"Yeah, right," Olivia scoffed. "And monkeys might fly outta my ass." She shook her head, defeat reflected in her stature. "No. I think I'm one of the few people left who understands how special and potentially amazing each and every kid is. I shoulda been a teacher," she chuckled wryly.
"You would have been a great teacher," Alex agreed quietly, "especially with grammar like that." She offered a brief smile, then looked down the street to see if any cabs could rescue her from the guilt coursing through her body, engulfing her like white water rapids. Each child is special, her mind repeated, and her hand instinctively went to her stomach. Olivia's comments had unwittingly solidified Alex's choice not to tell her about the impending abortion, or the pregnancy at all. It would devastate her two-fold; here, Alex was supposed to understand the plight of unwanted and neglected children, and tomorrow, she would turn her back on all that she and Olivia believed in to make her own life easier. Not to mention the fact that Alex's actions would undoubtedly let Olivia know that if it were up to Alex, Olivia never would have been born. At least, that's how the attorney knew the sensitive detective would see it, and Alex never wanted to cause Olivia that kind of pain. Instead, Alex would keep it to herself, and deal with the consequences as they came.
The cab finally pulled to a stop in front of them, and Alex climbed in the back, sliding across the seat, and giving her address to the driver. As Olivia slipped in beside her, Alex rested a hand on her knee, trying to comfort them both.
Sliding her arm around Alex's shoulders, Olivia leaned in and murmured. "Did you have too much cheese?"
"Hm?" Following Olivia's gaze to her hand, which still rested on her stomach, Alex shrugged. "Oh. Yeah, I think between the cheese and the heavy tiramisu, my stomach's a little rocky. Nothing to worry about." She smiled, removing her hand from her stomach and laying it in her lap.
"Take something when we get home, okay?" Olivia reached out and brushed stray hair away from Alex's eyes. The distance between them wasn't enough to override Olivia's instinctive desire to comfort and protect Alex.
"Definitely," Alex agreed amiably, sighing internally. Eager to forget about the heavy conversation for a moment, she leaned her head against Olivia's shoulder and said, "How great did Emma look tonight?"
"Fantastic," Olivia agreed. "I think she's starting to get over the whole thing." 'The whole thing' being, of course, He Who Shall Not Be Named.
"Yeah. Thank God. She told me she had a date next weekend. Apparently, Erin started setting her up with people. I wondered why I couldn't do it, and she said, 'Al, other than Olivia, your dating life blows a goat. I trust Erin.'"
Chuckling, Olivia nodded slowly. "She's right. It blows two goats, as a matter of fact." She turned a wicked grin on Alex. Olivia trailed off as the cab dropped them at Alex's apartment building. She handed the driver a couple of bills and climbed out, following Alex to the door.
"Hey," Alex protested as she opened the building door, "my little harem of college girls doesn't seem to mind my dating life."
Olivia raised an eyebrow. "We're coming back to that later, but for now, did Emma tell you who she was seeing on Saturday?"
Alex shook her head, sliding her key into the door. "No. She just said Erin set her up. No details. Which, now that I think about it, is weird."
"Yeah, so maybe I shouldn't spill," Olivia pondered aloud.
Alex sat on the couch, groaning as she slipped her shoes off. "Wait, you know?"
"Maybe. Want some coffee?" Olivia headed into the kitchen, dropping her coat on the coat rack as she went.
Alex scoffed disbelievingly, padding into the kitchen on swollen arches. "Yeah, thanks," she said, opening her fridge and getting the milk. "You two spend more time together than we do," she said with a chuckle. "Should I be concerned you won't be able to resist her Cabot charms, either?"
Chuckling again, Olivia shook her head. "Only if you keep refusing to tell me what's bothering you."
Alex cocked her head, and put on a sympathetic face. "I'm fine, Olivia. Really. I'm bummed I have to go to this conference, but other than that, I'm fine."
Then why didn't you even ask if I wanted to go? Olivia thought, refusing to voice the idea that had been nagging at her for two weeks. "Whatever you say."
Feeling traitorous, Alex leaned against the counter, brushing Olivia's hands with hers. "You know I tell you everything. Mostly because you and Emma have a penchant for ganging up on me so I'll tell you out of frustration, but I know I can come to you with anything. I'm not keeping anything from you, I promise." The lies caught in her throat, and made her feel physically ill. But Alex thought back to the conversation at the bus shelter, and she tried to comfort herself with the fact that she was right.
Turning resigned eyes on Alex, Olivia shrugged. "I know you'll tell me eventually. I just have to wait you out." She smiled sadly at her girlfriend.
"Why don't you believe me?" Alex's gentle tone was an obvious mask.
"Because you're not telling me something. I don't know if it has anything to do with this trip, or if it's completely unrelated," Olivia said casually, scooping coffee grinds into the machine.
"What would I keep from you?" Alex pressed, wondering if Emma had tipped Olivia off, despite her sister's numerous promises she wouldn't say anything. In fact, it had been at Emma's insistence that she go get a pregnancy test, as her sister remembered that the hospital had opted not to give Alex the morning-after pill, thanks to her dangerously low blood levels and inter-cranial bleeding at the time of her hospital admittance. Emma, despite her certainty that she would sue the hospital down to their last syringe, had agreed that it was Alex's secret to tell, even if the younger Cabot didn't believe holding out was the best idea.
"If I knew, would I be asking?"
"Touché," Alex replied, pouring her milk into the fresh cup of coffee. "I really don't know what else to tell you," she said finally, moving back into the living room. "There's nothing going on. Period."
Fed up, Olivia just shook her head. "Fine." She took her cup of coffee and was preparing to lock herself in the spare bedroom when the mood of the evening got to her. Her anger bubbled up and Olivia set her mug down hard on the kitchen counter, hot coffee sloshing over the sides. "Then why haven't you invited me over in two weeks?" she demanded. "Come to think of it," Olivia realized slowly, "all this started about two weeks ago. What's going on?"
"I thought we were past the 'inviting' stage," Alex replied, continuing after she sighed and let her hair out of the clip that had been holding it in place all night. "You know work's been crazy. You and I have been staying at our offices until nine and ten at night. And you haven't invited me over, either, let's not forget."
Olivia seethed inside. "You can keep avoiding this for as long as you want, Alex, but it doesn't change the facts. You didn't invite me to Boston," she concluded, her voice low and disarmingly calm.
"I didn't think you'd want to go," Alex replied. I know you don't want to be there. "And anyway, I just found out about it today, for God's sake. What did you want me to do? Say, 'Hey, Liz, my girlfriend would really like to come with me'? How do you think Donnelly would have reacted to that little tidbit?"
"You know you didn't have to tell her," Olivia fought back. "I can afford a damn hotel room on my own, Alex."
Alex scrubbed her face with her palms, indicating her frustration with the conversation, but also trying to strike the 'caught in the act' look from her face. The truth was, she had been planning the whole thing since she found out she was pregnant. She knew there was a conference going on in Boston that weekend, and was using that as her cover. Donnelly didn't know she was going anywhere, especially in the name of work. Olivia didn't know that, but Alex feared she was quickly figuring it out. Damn her intuition. Alex dropped her hands and shrugged. "I don't know what you want me to say, Liv. I'm sorry I didn't invite you to Boston. I'm sorry you feel neglected. I'm sorry for everything, okay? Does that make you feel better?"
"No," Olivia said softly. Her tone dropped quickly from irate to concerned. "Because obviously, you're still upset," she explained quietly, "and I want to help."
"There's nothing you can do," Alex replied quietly, looking to the floor.
"Try me."
Alex laughed sardonically. "Believe me. You can't help."
"How the hell do you know that?" Olivia demanded, her eyes darkening angrily. "You won't even tell me what the fuck is wrong!"
"You want to know what's wrong?" Alex got up off the couch, and took deliberate steps towards her. They stood toe-to-toe, brown eyes meeting blue in a blaze of fury and fear. "I'm pregnant," Alex seethed through clenched teeth. "That's what's wrong." Her tone was detached, emanating from the back of her throat in an even deeper alto.
Olivia felt the words like a fist in her stomach. She took a step backward, processing quickly. "You're pregnant?" she repeated, turning the question over in her head.
Alex licked her lips and massaged the back of her neck, staring at the opposite wall. "Yes," she replied evenly. "Six weeks. I found out two weeks ago."
Olivia debated half a second over whether to ask the question tickling the back of her mind. She had no idea how much she'd later regret asking it. "Mark?" Olivia murmured simply.
Alex chuckled again. "No, Olivia, it was Pablo, my cabin boy in Puerto Vallarta. Yes, of course it's Mark's."
"I'm sorry," Olivia said softly. "I didn't mean to imply...I just...wanted to make sure." She sighed softly. "What can I do?" the detective asked, more gently than before.
Alex shook her head. "Nothing. I'm going to Boston tomorrow to terminate the pregnancy, but I'm sure you already figured that out."
Her eyes widening slightly was the only clue to Olivia's inner surprise. "Yeah. I - shoulda figured." She nodded slowly. Half of Olivia wanted to ask if Alex needed her to go to Boston, but the nauseous feeling in her stomach wouldn't let the words get past her throat. "I - does Emma know?"
Alex nodded slowly. "She was the one who told me to get the pregnancy test done, and she was there when it came back positive."
So I was the last to know. Can't imagine why. Olivia's thoughts left a metallic aftertaste. "So she's going with you," Olivia assumed. "Good. Tell her to call me when...it's over," she stumbled over the words. "And let me know that you're okay." She bit back the feelings that she knew would come flooding in the moment she was alone.
"She's not going with me," Alex said quietly, moving to her window and looking at the midnight sky. "She doesn't deal well with hospitals or clinics, not to mention the fact that her husband knocked me up."
"That's not your fault," Olivia replied immediately. "You can't go alone, Alex." As sickening as the thought was, Olivia knew that she'd go if Alex needed her.
"Cragen's coming with me," Alex continued, not really hearing what Olivia said. "We booked the hotel room under his name, so the press won't be tipped off. Caroline would use this to destroy us if it ever hit the papers."
Her throat closed. Her eyes fluttered shut. So that's what it was. "I've gotta...go. Call me. Just...tell me you're okay." She grabbed her coat and was gone.
Alex's cries were encompassed by the slamming of the door, and the attorney broke down, leaning against her window. She covered her mouth with her hands, silencing her sobs. She had expected Olivia to be angry, to walk out, but actually having it happen devastated her more than she'd steeled herself for. She fumbled behind her for her telephone, and dialed Emma's number. Emma's answering machine picked up, and Alex disconnected, figuring her sister was still at the party. She held the phone to her chest for a moment, calming her breathing, and dialed another familiar number.
"Yeah?" His gruff answer almost made her smile.
"It's me," she said softly, sinking back onto her couch.
"You sound like shit. What happened?"
"I told her," Alex said, wiping streaked tears from her cheeks.
Cragen released a sigh. "She didn't take it well, I gather."
Alex snickered. "No. She left."
"Do you want me to come over?" Cragen swung his legs out of bed, waiting on her answer.
Alex took a deep breath while considering it. "It's all right," she said after a moment.
"Alexandra," Cragen said forcefully, "do you want me to come over there?"
Alex nodded to her reflection in the window. "Would you mind?"
"Of course not," Cragen replied, pulling out a pair of jeans from his dresser. "I'll be there in twenty minutes."
* * *
Olivia rapped on the door, not caring if she was waking Emma at this point. She kept herself from pounding by reminding herself that it was nearly three in the morning, and Emma's neighbors wouldn't appreciate her much if she did.
"I'm coming," Emma called, running a hand through her tangled hair. She looked through the peephole and stepped back in surprise as she saw the disheveled detective. Emma opened the door quickly, blinking. "Olivia? Are you all right?"
"No." Tears flooded Olivia's eyes and she swallowed the lump in her throat.
"Hey, hey," Emma soothed, placing a hand on Olivia's back and guiding her inside. She kicked the door shut and led Olivia to the couch. Perching on her coffee table as Olivia sat on the couch, Emma looked at her with sleepily concerned eyes. "What happened?"
"Alex told me."
"Oh." Emma drew her lower lip under her teeth and covered Olivia's hands with her own. "I'm sorry."
"You should be." Olivia's tearful eyes glared at Emma. "How could you not tell me?"
"It wasn't my secret to tell," Emma replied calmly. "I told her what I thought she should do the minute that test came back positive. But she didn't want to hurt you; she honestly thought that telling you after the fact would hurt less. I had to support her in her decision."
Olivia shook her head, pulling her hands away from Emma's. "I had a right to know," she muttered, hurt. "If Alex and I have any chance at a life together, I have to know that she trusts me."
"This wasn't about trusting you, Olivia. This was about shielding you from the pain she was feeling, and the pain her decisions would inflict on you. She wanted to protect you. That said," Emma implored Olivia by capturing her hands again, "you did have a right to know, and I'm sorry I couldn't convince Alexandra otherwise."
Yanking her hands back this time, Olivia leapt up and started to pace. "This was about not wanting to share a part of herself with me when she could share it with him," she surmised.
"Him who?" Emma's brow furrowed and then she slapped it back into understanding. "This has nothing to do with Donald. Don't be an asshole."
Turning, Olivia threw all of the rage she was feeling, fairly or not, at Emma. "Fuck you!" she hissed. "The three of you conspired to keep me in the dark, and I'm the asshole? Maybe you're right, Emma. Maybe I am an asshole - for trusting Alex. And you!" Olivia added, her voice rising with her temper. "I am a grown woman. I know where I come from, but I also know how I feel about Alex. Don't you think that I could've put aside my own history to be there if she needed me?" Angry tears scalded Olivia's cheeks before she scrubbed them away with a quick swipe of her palm. "I didn't need to be protected, but I wasn't even given a chance to decide for myself if I could handle it. You and Donald decided for me, didn't you, little girl?" The brunette detective shook her head swiftly. "I can't fucking believe you," she continued, enraged. "Of all the people I trust in the world - all four - I trusted you the most. Yeah," she cut off Emma's impending confused question, "more than Alex. Jesus Christ, Emma. How could you?" Olivia turned and faced the window, raging against the hurt inside her, and hoping Emma could soothe it away.
"It wasn't my decision," Emma replied quietly, tears of her own slipping silently down her cheeks. "I told her you needed to know, and she shut me out. Told me if I couldn't support her the way she needed me to, that she'd find someone else. You know I would never hurt you. I have been there through everything, stood by you when my sister was the biggest fucking cunt this side of the Mississippi. Don't you think this has been tearing me up, too?" Emma's voice broke, and she cleared her throat in order to continue. "I love you, Olivia. But I also love Alex. I didn't know she'd told Cragen until after I went back to her place a week ago. You have every right to blame her, but don't you dare blame me."
"How can I not?" Olivia pressed a hand to the cold glass of the window. "I expect this from Alex. But Emma..." She choked on the tears and stopped.
"You being angry with me isn't going to solve anything," Emma said gently, moving closer to the window. "I've loathed myself for the past two weeks, disgusted with myself. The one time I decide to keep my mouth shut, it's a secret that hurts one of the most important people in my life. But I know what it's like to have your secret betrayed before you're ready to confront it, and I always swore I wouldn't do that to anyone else. I wanted to tell you, Liv, so badly it ached. But I just couldn't. I don't know what I'd do if I lost both of you."
Olivia turned and eyed Emma in confusion. "Lost both of us?" she echoed. "Emma, Alex is your sister."
"And if I told you, she wouldn't have forgiven me. And you wouldn't have forgiven me for not telling you sooner, or not convincing her to tell you sooner. And then I'd be fucked. Where would I be without you two?"
Shaking her head, Olivia murmured, "You're not gonna lose us. We're both too stubborn to give up on you."
"Thank God for that," Emma replied, taking a step closer. "Is she going to lose you?"
"I - I can't do this now, Em." Olivia swallowed hard.
"Okay, all right," Emma agreed easily, taking Olivia into a loose, comforting hug. She kissed Olivia's forehead and the detective's cheeks. "I really am sorry," she whispered, resting her forehead against Olivia's.
Stifling a sob, Olivia tilted her head, resting it on Emma's shoulder. "For once, your height comes in handy," she teased with a watery chuckle.
Emma chuckled, rubbing circles on Olivia's back. "For once, I don't mind being the Amazon."
Olivia chuckled again, but her chuckle turned into a gasping breath. "Em, what am I gonna do?" she asked, unnaturally scared. "If Alex doesn't trust me..." She trailed off, wrapping her arms around Emma's waist.
"I know you don't want to hear this, and you're not going to believe me, but please promise me you won't pummel my oh so beautiful face with your rather large gun when I say what I'm about to say." Emma bent slightly and caught Olivia's eyes. "She does trust you. More than she trusts anybody, including me. She didn't tell you about the pregnancy because she knew your immediate reaction would be back to your own conception, not because she didn't trust you. She came to the conclusion that because of who you are, you might not understand why she made the decision to terminate. And she also knew how hard that would be for you to accept, especially given the fact that there was no way in hell she'd ever see this thing through. Maybe that was all psychobabble she used to alleviate her guilt, but I think it does contain some truth."
"She should've told me," Olivia insisted, her eyes filling up again. She leaned forward, breaking the eye contact again and resting her cheek against Emma's.
"I know, honey," Emma said, holding Olivia tightly. "All the explanations in the world can't take that hurt away."
"Alex is sposta be the one who's there for me," Olivia managed to choke out softly. "But it's always you, Em."
"You saved my life," Emma replied gently. "It's the least I can do."
Shaking her head again, Olivia looked up to see Emma's familiar-yet-new blue eyes very close to her. Her heart began to tickle Olivia inside her chest, and she watched Emma with an unreadable expression.
"We'll fix it," Emma said, not really noticing the change in Olivia's features. "We'll get through this together."
"Promise?" Olivia murmured, inching closer.
Emma nodded. "Always."
"Em..."
Emma expelled a shaky breath. "Yeah?"
"Why is it you're always there when I need you?" Olivia asked softly, her hand gliding up to rest against the back of Emma's neck.
Emma stuttered, licking her lips, her voice slightly unsteady. "I figure...I figure you're less likely to beat me up if I'm nice to you."
"You're full of shit," Olivia murmured, her tone making the declaration sound like a seductive request.
Emma chuckled briefly, drawing her lip back into her mouth. "Well, maybe I just like talking to you. Helping you, if I can."
"I 'spose it's possible." Olivia grinned shakily. Leaning up, she kissed Emma's lips gently. "Thanks, kiddo."
Emma returned the kiss lightly, then stepped back with a smile. "You want to crash here tonight? I have frozen pizza and a comforting hug with your name on it."
"I'd love that." Olivia managed a smile. "I should call Alex first. We didn't exactly leave things well."
Emma nodded, moving to her end table and tossing Olivia the phone. "I'll go make the pizza."
"Thanks, Em." Olivia flashed her a grin, swiping at an errant tear. She dialed Alex's number, never doubting for a second that her girlfriend was as torn up as she was.
* * *
Alex was in the bathroom washing her face when the phone rang. "Who the hell would be calling me at quarter of three?" she wondered, hurrying to the phone. She picked it up and answered with a cautious, "Hello?"
"Alex, it's me," Olivia said slowly.
Alex stiffened slightly, resting on the edge of her couch. "Hi," she replied. She'd figured she wouldn't hear from Olivia until at least Monday, if not much, much later. "Where are you?"
"I'm okay," Olivia assured her. "I just wanted to call and say I'm—" She stopped as she heard a voice in the background.
"Alexandra Cabot, if you don't get your butt back into this bed, I'll pick you up and do it myself." Cragen came out of the bedroom, not realizing Alex was on the phone.
Alex waved him away, curling her head into the phone. "You're okay? Are you sure?"
Olivia's heart leapt into her throat. 'This bed', was the phrase her ear picked up on. "Cragen's there?" she asked coolly.
Alex's pause lasted longer than it probably should have. "Yeah," she finally replied. "I needed to talk."
Olivia balked at the silence. "Right," she said quickly. "Okay, well, have a safe trip." Her finger hovered over the "end" button.
"Do you want me to call you tomorrow?" Alex asked, her eyes slipping shut as she felt her relationship slipping into the hovering night.
"No. I'll...I'll see you when you get back, or whatever. Night." Olivia hung up and dropped her head into her hands.
"Fuck." Alex tossed the phone onto the couch, her eyes remaining closed. Cragen rested a silent hand on her shoulder, and she looked up at him, all vulnerability.
"Pizza will be ready in five minutes," Emma announced, coming out of the kitchen. She adjusted her NYU mesh shorts as she walked over to the couch, noticing Olivia's slumped form. "Liv?" she asked quietly.
Olivia turned and silently buried her face in Emma's stomach, clutching at her waist for all she was worth.
"Oh, honey," Emma breathed, running her hand over the top of Olivia's cropped hair. She rubbed the detective's back, wondering just what Alexandra had done now. "It's okay," she murmured, "I'm here."
"She's fucking him," Olivia gasped out between sobbing breaths. Half of her was ashamed that Emma would see her in such a state; the other half realized it was Emma and knew she was safe.
"What?" Emma replied, aghast. "Liv...what?"
"Cragen. He's there...and...and I heard him."
"Oh, babe." Emma's heart broke as Olivia's tears tickled her bare stomach. "She's acting stupidly right now, but she's not that much of a moron. And both of them know that I'll kill them myself if that were true."
"Emma, I heard him," Olivia insisted, crying harder. "He told her to come back to bed."
Emma slid down onto the couch, cradling Olivia's head against her shoulder. "I'll kill them," she said seriously, holding Olivia for all she was worth. "I wish I knew what to say, Olivia."
"You - you can't," Olivia hiccupped. "Just - oh, god, Em." She snuggled into the crook of Emma's neck and cried harder. "It's my fault."
"No," Emma replied forcefully. "Look at me." She leaned back and guided Olivia's anguished face up with her index finger. "You didn't do anything wrong. If it's true, it was their doing, not yours." She wiped Olivia's tears with her thumb. "And why can't I kill 'em? I beat one murder rap, two more wouldn't be that hard."
Olivia started to chuckle, but it was washed away by a fresh flood of tears. "Emmy..."
"Shh, shh, shh," Emma drew Olivia back into her arms, rocking gently. "We'll fix it. Together. Like always, remember?"
"Together," Olivia murmured, managing to stem the tide of tears. The oven buzzed loudly and she sighed, leaning back.
Emma leaned in and kissed the detective's forehead. "You want something to drink? Water? Coffee? Tequila?"
"Tequila," Olivia murmured. "I need to forget this day ever happened."
"You got it," Emma murmured sympathetically. She padded into the kitchen, pulling the pizza out of the oven. She gave them both a couple of slices, and balanced a shot glass on each of their plates. She fished around in her cabinet and pulled out a full bottle of tequila, a present from Jess. Emma curled her arm around the bottle and hoisted the two plates into her hands. She went back out into the living room, bending over and sliding the plates across the coffee table. She poured them both a shot and toasted Olivia. "Togetherness," Emma said, lifting the glass to her lips.
"Hellish Fridays," Olivia added, knocking back the shot with a sigh.
Emma sat on the couch next to her, bringing the piping hot pizza to her lips. She blew carefully and took a bite, twirling the cheese around her tongue. They ate in silence until Emma refilled their glasses. They didn't toast this time, just knocked the fiery liquid back.
"Do you think I'm hard to deal with?" Olivia asked, out of the blue, playing with a long string of cheese.
Emma shook her head, catching a stray dollop of sauce on the corner of her mouth. "Some people might see you as too intense, too obsessed with the job. Or maybe too personally detached. But I don't see you that way; I see you as a kind, warm, generous and loving person. And we all know that what I think matters most." She smiled, circling her index finger around the rim of the shot glass.
Chuckling softly, Olivia returned her attention to the slice of pizza in her hand. "I just wonder if I didn't push Alex too hard to tell me."
"I love my sister," Emma prefaced, "but she wants to have her cake and eat it, too. She wants to be in a relationship, but she doesn't understand that doing so implies you have to confide in the other person, let them see your vulnerability. I also think the whole PTSD aftermath thing with Mark has impaired her communication skills. She's continually feeling violated, and refuses to put herself into situations where she feels like that again." For all her ability to be a child, the true Emma Kate, a soulful, introspective woman, was coming out in trying to comfort her friend.
Impressed by Emma's analysis, Olivia nodded slowly. "I think you're right. I'm not sure that absolves me of all the blame, though," she told her tequila.
"It does take two to tango," Emma agreed, knocking back another shot. Tequila had always been her claim to fame. "I really think the only thing you've done wrong, though, is your ability to get under her skin, to call her on her bullshit. You've been amazing over the past month; I've told you as much. Your support of her - and of me - was unwavering. How can that be construed as wrong?"
"Maybe I expected too much of her, especially with the videotape and everything?" Olivia offered, tears filling her eyes again. "That can't have been easy, watching Mark violate her again in front of Caroline."
"What did you expect from her?" Emma shook her head, confused. "Of course it wasn't easy, but if I recall correctly, you were just as affected as she was."
Shrugging, Olivia finished her pizza and leaned back with a sigh. "I expected us to get back to normal at some point. I don't know anymore. I'm second-guessing everything I've said since Mark took her."
"Define 'normal'. Because, I can tell you from experience, she doesn't know what that is anymore. When...that happens to you, you feel like everything you believed in is snatched away from you, and you're left in this black hole with nowhere to go. I told you it wasn't going to be an easy road, but I can understand why you want to leave it all behind."
"I just want my Alex back." Olivia ducked her head, trying to hide the fresh tears that coursed down her cheeks.
Emma knocked another shot back and pushed her shot glass across the table. She knelt in front of Olivia, rubbing the detective's knees tenderly. "I know," she whispered, wishing desperately she had something else to say. She had never been good at finding the right words, really, and this time, it left her feeling empty. "I still think that after all this is over, you will. I don't think she's sleeping with Donald. I think she just needed somebody to talk to, and she knew I wouldn't get dressed just to go see her, so he was the next best thing. He knows he can't have her. She still belongs to you."
Shaking her head violently, Olivia swallowed the bile that rose in her throat at the thought. "Why can't she be more like you?" the detective murmured tearfully.
"What, you want her to be crazier and less mature?" Emma chided. "Think about it, Olivia. I am her; she is me. We've both been raped, kidnapped, emotionally abused. She has a direction, a plan. I flutter from here to there, stopping when I feel like it. We're not that different."
"But you can talk about what you're going through. Alex just shuts down - at least, around me."
Emma thought about that for a minute, then nodded in agreement. "She's never been good at expressing herself. She thinks emotions are a sign of weakness. I think that's partly my fault; I used to drain her dry with all the shit I was going through when she took me out of the house and to school with her. She never really had the opportunity to grieve herself; she was too busy comforting me."
"Is it my fault?" Olivia pressed, guilt weighing her down. "D'you think she sought him out because I've been spending so much time with you?" Her wet, warm brown eyes met Emma's.
Emma sighed, biting her lip again. "Maybe," she admitted. "I think, though, she knew Donald wouldn't press her about what she was feeling. He's the most emotionally impotent man I've ever met. You and I, on the other hand, talk it out, express our feelings. That's why we're so compatible," she smiled gently. "I think Alex might just have been trying to find the situation in which she wouldn't have to confront her feelings, and she found that with Cragen."
Sighing, Olivia cupped Emma's cheek with her hand. She managed a half-smile. "If we're so damn compatible, why am I in love with Alex? Why do I always take the path of most resistance?"
"Because there's definite sparkage between you and Alex. I also think you two are compatible; look at how you do your jobs, how much you love me," Emma teased, covering Olivia's hand with her own, and brushing her thumb over the detective's knuckles. "I've also never been attracted to a woman before, so it really wouldn't have occurred to me to try and snatch you away from my sister."
A soft chuckle escaped despite Olivia's best efforts to the contrary. She gripped Emma's hands tightly, losing herself in the blue ocean of the younger woman's eyes. "Before what?"
"Just in general. I've never dated a woman, seriously found her attractive. I mean, thanks to loads of rum and tequila, I've kissed a woman before, but those were escapades from my much younger and prettier college days."
Olivia dropped her hand from Emma's cheek, resting it on their joined hands, lying on her knee. Her eyes bored a hole into the blonde as her heart did cartwheels in her chest.
Emma searched Olivia's face, her own heart palpitating faster, her stomach tying itself in knots. "Stop looking at me, swan," she whispered teasingly, lacing her fingers with Olivia's.
The line from 'Billy Madison' made Olivia burst out laughing. "Swan," she gasped as she giggled.
Emma laughed with her, tilting her head back. "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast," she continued, quoting 'Happy Gilmore'.
Olivia roared with laughter, holding her stomach as she gasped out in mock-confusion, "You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?"
"Yeah...no!" Emma replied, standing and pretending to stomp off. She moved back around the couch, stopping at her CD player. She turned it on and pressed play, trying to break some of the remaining tension in the room. Jonatha Brooke's voice filled the air as she started to ask exactly what they were.
"Jonatha Brooke?" Olivia asked, surprised.
Emma nodded, coming back to the couch. She hopped over the edge, sitting behind Olivia and stretching her feet around the detective. She raised her hands to Olivia's shoulders and started to knead lightly. "'What We Are'. My favorite song."
"Mine, too." Olivia sighed softly as Emma's hands began to drain the tension out of her shoulders. "I don't want to lose her, but I'm getting very tired of fighting with her," she explained to the opposite wall. "When it's us against the world, I'll fight 'till the end. But when it's me against her...I just can't do it much longer, Emma Kate." The name rolled off her tongue as Olivia's eyes slipped shut.
"It's emotionally draining, especially when she won't give you an inch, and you've given her a mile," Emma agreed, thinking back over more than twenty-five years of arguing with her sister. "I know you said you didn't want to talk about it, but...have you considered leaving her? I don't want you to," she finished hurriedly, "but it worries me to see you so defeated. It's not like you."
"I hadn't thought about it much until tonight," Olivia admitted. "But if this is how it's going to be...me giving everything I have and getting shafted in return...I love her, Emmy, but it's not worth it."
This time, it was Emma's eyes that filled with tears, and she nodded silently, still working Olivia's shoulders. "So no nephew?"
Leaning back against Emma, Olivia craned her neck to look up at the blonde. "Not quite yet."
Emma sighed, wrapping her arms around Olivia's shoulder and kissing the brunette's temple. "Well, I can still dream. Maybe I'll get another cat in the interim, though." She smiled briefly, then gazed off in the general direction of her kitchen. "I so desperately want to tell you to hang on, give her one more chance...and then I feel traitorous for thinking she just doesn't deserve it."
"None of us deserve it," Olivia murmured, turning so that she was looking up at Emma. "But I'm gonna keep giving her chances as long as I can take it. I just get so tired. That's why I come here," she said quietly.
"Mi haven es su haven," Emma replied, curling her foot around Olivia's ankle. "We...if you and Alex split up, we'll still be okay, right?"
"God, yeah," Olivia breathed, wrapping her arm around Emma's waist. "I'm addicted to this emotional shit," she teased. "I can't give you up."
Emma chuckled, running her hands over Olivia's shoulder blades. "I can't give me up, either. Just call me Godiva."
Biting back a hideously kinky comment, Olivia smiled at Emma. "You have great hands," she said, closing her eyes again.
"Thanks," Emma replied. "I actually took a massage class in college, believe it or not. It counted as my exercise science course requirement."
"You got an A, didn't you?"
"A minus, actually. I tried to work a knot out of my instructor's back, and it hurt a little too much, so she dropped my grade. I was going to protest, but then I would have had to show my techniques to the dean of the school, and that was just an ew factor I wasn't willing to deal with."
"Was he a dirty old man?" Olivia teased.
"The dirtiest. And short and bald. Call me crazy, but that doesn't exactly sail my ship. I just really didn't want my second sexual partner to be the dean of the school. Instead, I chose a homicidal sociopathic loo-hoo-ser for that particular honor."
"Second?" Olivia's eyes flew open. "Mark was only your second?"
Emma nodded. "Yeah. There was one guy my freshman year of college, and then Mark. There were...two, I think, after Mark and I broke up. Nobody else."
"Wow. Shelby's in for a treat," Olivia teased, rubbing Emma's knee subconsciously. "All that sexual energy stored up."
Emma shrugged. "I really don't know what I was thinking letting Erin set me up with her. It's like I told you, I've never actually been with a woman. I'm ready to start dating, but I thought she would set me up with a George or a Steve or something, not a Shelby."
"Well, it's Erin. You have to specify the gender you want when letting her invade your personal life." Olivia grinned broadly. "But don't worry. I think you'll enjoy it. Even if it's not your gender-of-choice, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how much fun a woman can be."
"And you're using what expertise to tell me that? The lone, crazy broad you've been dating for the past year? Not very convincing," Emma chided, squeezing Olivia's shoulders again. "I think it'll be nice just to get out. I'm going to be straight with her, so to speak, and let her know I've never done that before. If she runs screaming from the restaurant, at least I'll have a nice dinner."
"Good plan." Olivia's eyes slipped shut as twenty-four hours without sleep started to catch up to her exhausted body. "You shoulda practiced," she murmured with a chuckle, laying her arm on Emma's bent knee and using it to support her leaden head.
Emma laughed heartily. "I've never been good at dating, period, so think about that sentence and then envision me walking into a gay bar and trying to pick up a woman. That's funnier than Allie trying to cook."
Giggling softly, Olivia shook her head, prying her eyes open to look at Emma. "I'm sure you could've found someone easier than going to a bar." Now why the hell did you say that?
"Where would I look?" Emma replied, gently brushing a stray lock of hair off Olivia's forehead. "All of the gay people I know are either men, or have been in a relationship longer than I've been alive."
"You're lookin' too hard." Her exhaustion and aching, hurting heart overwhelmed Olivia as she looked up into the gentle blue eyes watching her.
"Maybe," Emma replied easily, moving slightly so Olivia would sit up. "You're dead to the world," she proclaimed. "You want to steal my bed?"
"No." Olivia shook her head firmly. "I'll take the couch." She started to shift out of Emma's warm embrace reluctantly.
"My couch sucks," Emma replied, "but I'm used to falling asleep on it. Take the bed."
"Emma Kate, do not argue with me." Olivia grinned at her sleepily. "I'm sleeping right here, so get your ass off my bed."
Emma growled, but relented, moving to her hallway closet and pulling out a blanket and pillow. She situated Olivia as best she could, guiding Olivia's tired head to the pillow. "Get me if you need me," she said with a smile. She turned and cleaned up their mess, leaving it to dwell in the sink overnight. "Good night," she said quietly, heading back to her bed, groaning in silence as the clock read 5:34.
THE END
