12. dear agony

Moments are what define us; we know this. We spend our lives in pursuit of those perfect golden seconds that shine light on everything. For every dark moment theres always a light one even if we don't notice them. Even if we don't realize the balance. Moments can't be planned though, however much we crave them. They always follow their own lead, we can't manipulate them into our fantasies and if we try we're always disappointed. But when we take a breath, when we just move forward and let them come as they will, they can be so beautiful.

Arizona was exhausted. She was just now coming home from a fifteen hour shift at the hospital; 6 back-to-back surgeries and 8 cups of coffee later, she was fried.
Her leg was in agony and her stomach might have been attempting to eat itself. She couldn't wait to have a quick snack before crawling into bed and passing out. As she let herself into the apartment that she was now newly able to call theirs again, she dumped her things on the table in the entry way.
"Sorry i'm so late." She spoke to the room at large. "My last surgery ran really- Callie!?" She exclaimed as she took in her form lying face down on the plush carpet, between the couch and coffee table.
"Hey." She replied indifferently, quelling Arizona's racing heart as the probability of her worst expectations faded away. Arizona took a deep breath and sat beside Callie's head.
"What are you doing?" She implored.
"Dr. Weaver told me to let the sadness in. My homework for the week." She grunted, remaining in her forlorn position.
"Oh, i see." Arizona said, her complete lack of understanding lacing her words.
"When Denny died, Izzy lay on the floor for days. She just lay there. Being sad. I thought it was a good idea."
"And how's that going for you?" She asked gently as she began rubbing Callie's back, having no idea who Denny was or how he fit into anything.
"Horrible. It's not helping anything, i just feel restless."
"Then why didn't you get up?"
"I thought i'd give it a little time." She shrugged.
"How long has it been?"
"Um, i'm not sure. What's the time?"
"It's almost 10." She replied, checking the wall clock in the kitchen.
"Oh. Ha, about an hour then, i guess."
"Is there anything i can do for you?"
"No, i'm okay. You can go about whatever you were doing. I'll come to bed in a few." Callie replied passively.
"Okay." Using the couch to help pull herself onto her feet, Arizona headed to the bedroom.
She sat on the bed and ran her hand through her hair, resting her head on her arm for just a moment. She undressed slowly where she sat and made her way to the bathroom. She watched her body in the mirror, taking in every inch of skin, roving slowly downwards until her vision met her prosthesis. She sighed deeply as she sat on the side of the bathtub and went to work releasing the straps on her thigh. After removing her leg, she peeled back the gel sock she wore meant to cushion the socket better than a plain sock and examined her stump. It was red and tender having not taken well to such a long day but the skin was intact and smooth. She consigned to applying some anti-inflammatory cream once she'd finished showering. She got herself up on her crutches and sat down in the shower where she washed the day off of her skin with water as hot as her body would allow. She stood on the bathmat after, letting herself drip dry for a longer time than she had been in the shower for. Still on crutches, she made her way into the bedroom where she dressed herself and went back out to the living room. Despite Arizona's leisure, her whole routine had taken less than a half an hour, Callie was still sprawled face-down on the floor. She went over and lowered herself carefully onto the couch before rolling off to straddle Callie on the floor.
"What are you doing?" She asked as Arizona began massaging her shoulders.
"I thought we could spend a little time together, if that's okay?"
"Arizona, you must be exhausted?"
"I am a little tired, yes. But i also miss you, i didn't see you at all today. So i'd rather do this than sleep."
"Sounds kind of nice."
"So why don't you tell me about your day?" Arizona chuckled.
"No."
"No?"
"My day was boring. I wanna hear about why you were busy every time i snuck up to the Paeds ward to see you."
"I was in surgery all day." She replied as she continued to knead the muscles in Callie's neck.
"Tell me about them?" Callie sighed contentedly.
"Well first i had an inguinal hernia, nothing special. Then there was bilateral cryptorchidism in a ten month old; the repositioning of the first testis went smoothly but when i got to the second one it was already showing signs of necrosis so i had to remove it."
"Poor kid, so young and already a ball down."
"Callie!" Arizona shook her head, unable to keep her giggle in.
"Sorry." She laughed. "What did you do next?"
"Next was a 911 in the E.R. A girl's appendix burst because her parents were too busy with their own lives to take their teenagers pain seriously."
"Is she okay?"
"Yes, it was touch and go for a moment, but i got her cleaned up. I'm going to keep her in the ICU for the next week to monitor for sepsis and the antibiotics i have her on have her pretty much knocked out for now, but I'm confident that she will make a full recovery."
"She know she will."
"And how do you know that?" Arizona asked skeptically.
"She has the best paediatric surgeon in the world as her doctor. She couldn't have better odds." Callie replied nonchalantly.
Arizona just rolled her eyes and shoved Callie with her body, trying hard to contain the smile that was breaking free at the corners of her mouth even though Callie couldn't see it.
"Ooh. I'm going to compliment you more often." Callie teased at the sudden friction Arizona's shove made against her ass.
"Callie!" Arizona chastised again, lightly slapping her shoulder this time causing her to laugh. The chuckles rolling through Callie's body and sending shocks through Arizona as well. "Promise me we wont be like that?"
"Like what?"
"One of those couples who don't have time to listen to their kid. Promise me we will take her seriously and we wont just tell her its a phase if shes sad. I don't want her to grow up thinking she can't talk to us. I don't want any of us to live thinking we can't talk to each other about something."
"I don't know, if she's anything like me, we probably shouldn't trust anything she says when she's a teenager." Callie joked.
Arizona brushed the hair off of Callie's neck and leant down to place a soft kiss on the warm skin, leading her into a false sense of security before proceeding to tickle until she squirmed erratically.
"Okay, okay." She squealed in surrender. "How many more surgeries did you have?" She continued when Arizona had finally stopped her assault.
"Two more. I had a PDA ligation on a 6 month old. In and out, no fuss. And then i got another 911 in the E.R. A kid came in with severe internal haemorrhaging. Turns out a boy from school hit him in the stomach with a baseball bat a couple times. Karev and i spent 5 hours on him, repairing his spleen, liver and stomach and stabilizing 3 fractured ribs."
Callie rolled over on the floor so that she was facing Arizona, smiling lightly when their eyes finally met. They looked at each other for a few moments, Arizona's hands on Callie's shoulders, Callie's on Arizona's thighs.
"Is he going to be okay?" Callie eventually whispered.
"He's stable for now." Arizona responded in a tone equally as soft.
"You saved 6 lives today." Callie said proudly.
"Yeah."
"You must be exhausted." Callie repeated, their gaze never wavering from the other's.
"Yeah." She gave a guilty smile.
"Let's go to bed." Callie ran her hands up to cup Arizona to herself, picking her up as she stood; Arizona's good leg wrapping around her waist. They each took a deep breath, letting each other in; tightening their embrace, as Callie walked them carefully into their bedroom. She lay Arizona on the bed and kissed her gently before pulling her arms from around her.
"Goodnight." She whispered.
"Goodnight."

#####

"Hey, do you have any leave saved up?" Callie asked from the doorway of Arizona's office.
"Um, a couple weeks, i think. Why?" She replied, turning her back in the scans she was examining on the wall.
"Great! We're going away next weekend." She exclaimed as she spin around to leave.
"Wait, Callie, i can't just pick up and leave. I have patients." Arizona called after her.
"Um, no. 'Cause i checked. You only have one surgery scheduled between the 18th and the 21st so far and it can be pushed." Callie said, poking her head back into the room.
"Callie?"
"Oh, come on Arizona. I got us a cabana right on the beach down in California and i bribed Derek and Meredith to agree to take Sofia for the weekend. When was the last time we went away? Do you even remember?" Callie whined as she walked forwards to meet Arizona in the middle of the room.
"Yeah. We went to a B&B and you almost died."
"Yeah, i should probably drive this time." Callie teased.
"Callie, we're not driving all the way to California and back. It's a 15 hour trip each way."
"Yeah but road trips are fun." She grinned. "And you haven't been on a plane since... I didn't want to suggest you ever having to get on another one."
"No, you got back in the car. I can get back on a plane." Arizona replied rather hollowly.
"So you're in?"
"Callie, where is this coming from?"
"I just wanted to spend some quality time with you, is that so much to ask?"
"We both know that isn't what this is about."
"You know what, forget it." She replied deflatedly, turning on her heel. "I'll just tell everyone never mind."
"Calliope!"
She stopped dead, spinning slowly to face Arizona.
"Talk to me?" She pleaded. "Please. Why are you being so erratic?"
Callie stared hesitantly for a little while before responding, "Look I'm sick of being sad, okay? Im sick of it. I'm actually irritating myself. I just thought having a few days to sit and breathe, away from it all would be nice. And i thought you might like to do the same. But you don't. It's fine."
"Of course i do. You just need to talk to me okay. You just need to help me understand what you need when you need something. I'll go anywhere with you."
"Really?"
"Yes." Arizona said sincerely. "And hey, it'll be good for us both. You getting some distance, me tackling the flying thing."
"Great." Calle grinned. "I'll go finalize everything."
"Okay. But um, the beach?" Arizona asked nervously.
"Oh- private beach. Just you and me. Did i forget to mention that?" Callie narrowed her eyes suggestively.
"Wow. How did you manage that?" Arizona asked as she subconsciously stepped closer.
"Addison might have helped me out a little."
"Well, thank you, Addison." She grinned, prompting Callie to do the same.
"Yeah." Callie said as she took in the excited glimmer that sparkled in sapphire eyes. "You know, that's the first time you've called me Calliope in i don't know how long." She remarked quietly.
"It's the only way to get you to listen to me sometimes." Arizona whispered back.
"I missed it." Callie breathed as she brushed the hair back from Arizona's face and leaned in.

#####

"You all packed?" Arizona asked, looking up from her magazine as Callie walked out into the living room toting two large wheely bags and a vanity case.
"Yip." Callie smiled, missing the sarcasm. "All that's left is to drop Sofia off at daycare so that Meredith can pick her up when she gets Zola and Bailey."
"Uh, yeah i took Sofia to daycare half an hour ago while you were still squeezing everything you own into those bags. Seriously, sometimes i think you're more of a girl than i am. And i'm the one that likes pink." She said, flipping a page of the tabloid.
"Aw, no i wanted to say goodbye!" Callie pouted.
"You did say goodbye, remember, in the middle of your debate about whether to take the sunscreen with the high SPF or the one with added moisturizer."
"Oh, yeah." Callie pursed her lips together. "By the way i brought them both, i thought we could decided when we're there."
Arizona gave her an incredulous look
"What? I'm sorry i didn't grow up in the military and learn all about how to pack efficiently." Callie rolled her eyes. "Where's your stuff anyway?"
"Over there." Arizona shrugged towards the backpack sitting next to the door.
"Really?" Callie raised her eyebrows.
"We're going to the beach, what more do we need than a few bikini's and a pair of flip flops each?"
"Um, lots of things? Okay, maybe i should go pack some stuff for you quickly."
"No." Arizona caught her hand before she made it to the bedroom. "We're gonna be late, i have everything i need." She said calmly.
"Are you sure? Do you have our tickets? Did you get those anxiety meds i prescribed you for the flight?"
"Im sure, i have the tickets in my purse and i don't need any meds. We'll be fine."
"What if you have a panic attack?"
"It kinda seems like you're the one having a panic attack, Callie."
"Wha- no im not."
"Okay shh, come just sit on the couch with me for a second." Arizona said pulling Callie with herself.
"Arizona?"
"Just humour me." She held both of Callie's hands in her own, running her thumbs over the scars on her knuckles as she looked imploringly into her eyes.
"Okay."
"How are you feeling today?"
"I'm fine." Callie said. "Really, i'm okay." She added at Arizona's raised eyebrows.
"Okay." Arizona nodded.
"Is that it? Can we go now?"
"No." She replied, tightening her hold on her hands to keep Callie from standing up. "Just breathe with me for a second. For me." She added when Callie looked like she was about to argue. "I need you to help me centre myself before i get on that plane."

#####

A few hours later the plane touched down in Santa Monica airport. The second the seatbelt sign blinked off, Arizona darted from her seat and made it to the nearest door before any of the other passengers had managed to finish stretching their legs.
By the time Callie had located their luggage and lumbered off of the aircraft she was nowhere in sight. 15 minutes later, Callie was pushing a trolley slowly towards the exit of the terminal, craning her neck for any sign of Arizona, she having not been in luggage collection or anywhere else along the way. As she walked through the automatic door for arrivals into the main body of the airport, Callie spotted a blonde head doubled over on one of the metal benches. She rushed over and let out a sigh of relief at confirming her identity.
"Arizona." She breathed. When she didn't look up and merely continued to breathe heavily while clutching the cool metal arm rest, Callie decided to kneel down in front of her.
"Arizona, honey, look at me?" She spoke gently, taking her face in her hands when she began to whimper. "Hey, it's me. Look at me. I'm right here. You're okay. You're okay because i'm right here." Arizona finally nodded, not dispelling the terror still in her eyes, but finally acknowledging her surroundings. Callie swung herself to sit beside her and pulled her in tightly, holding her until finally her body calmed.
"I guess i wasn't as ready for that as i told myself i was." Arizona joked in a quavering voice.
"Yeah." Callie chuckled. "But you still did really well, i'm so proud of you."
Arizona laughed and merely shook her head.
"Do you wanna watch our stuff while i go get you a snack before we head out?"
"No, i'm okay. We can just go."
"Uh, no. You look like you're going to faint, and this isn't a good enough reason for you to be fainting this weekend." Callie hinted.
"Oh! Um, okay then." Arizona smiled in return.

#####

An hour later they were setting their things down in the cabana that would act as their home for the weekend. It was a beautiful place, only a few meters from the lapping waves of the ocean, made entirely of glass and wood. It had an open-plan kitchen that swelled into the living room and an en-suite bedroom both with glass sliding doors leading out onto the fine, shimmering sand.
Every piece of furniture down to the linens on the bed and the shades on the lamps was crisp aspen white and a light breeze swept through the place leading the curtains to billow out in airy tethered clouds. It was just hitting noon so the sun was directly above them, twinkling off the waves, diluting the cloudless cerulean sky. The salty twang accentuating every breath taken was almost nostalgic after the clean, damp Seattle atmosphere.
"Wow, i think we'd better have some sea food while we're down here." Arizona stated in awe as she stared out at the horizon.
"How about we go have lunch on the beach." Callie suggested, wrapping her arms around her from behind.
"Good thinking. Why don't we get settled and freshen up a little first though." She turned in Callie's arms, wrapping her own around her neck.
"Sure. You feeling okay?"
"Definitely." Arizona nodded, holding Callie a little tighter.

#####

It was their last night on the beach, Arizona sat in the sand a few meters away from the water, wearing her bikini underneath one of Callie's oversized blue sweat shirts to fend of the slight chill in the air, and watched as the sun began to set over the water.
"Hey." She said as she heard the soft padding of feet behind her.
"Hey." Callie smiled as she sat beside her, a bright pink and blue drink in each hand. "It's not a sangria, but i think you'll like it." She said, handing one of the glasses over.
"Thanks. What is it?"
"It's lemonade mixed with strawberry sours and tequila on top of a shot of blue curaƧao and then i put a little vanilla sugar on the rim."
"Oh, wow." Arizona exclaimed after taking a sip. "This is great. What do you call it?"
"Uhm, i was thinking about calling it a Butterfly."
"Ha! You don't even like butterflies." Arizona scoffed.
"I don't know, you're kinda cute."
"Aw, look at the colours over the water." Arizona crooned, as warm autumn tones bled into the ocean. The rippling waves couldn't mellow the vivacity of such vibrant hues. Arizona ran her fingers down Callie's inner arm before snaking her own fingers between hers. She took a deep breath of seasoned air and leant her head down on Callie's shoulder.
"Thank you, Callie." She whispered.
"For what?" She muttered back.
"For this weekend. And this." She indicated her drink. "And for giving me another chance even though i didn't deserve it."
Callie gave a half smile, her eyes glittering with the ghost of tears as she thought back on it all. Words couldn't speak as eloquently as her lips anymore.
"What do you say we take another step forward?" Callie asked after breaking away.
"What do you have in mind?"
"You, and me and the ocean. With no one around to stop us." She husked, grazing her eyes down Arizona's body. Fingers playing with a tendril of golden hair.
"Callie, i- i'm not sure that's a good idea."
"What?" Callie asked, the enchantment breaking.
"I mean it's just a little ambitious for us right now, with my leg and you're still not, you know, okay yet. Which is fine, I'm not blaming you for anything. I just think that maybe the sea isn't the best place for us to try again, you know."
"I can carry you."
"Okay, you can." Arizona nodded. "But what about you?"
"Arizona, i'm ready. Im not a teenager, this isn't my first time. I just needed a little room."
"But really, the ocean? I wanted our next time to be easy and romantic, you know, so that you can feel loved and special, and the ocean, well it's dirty and immature and kinda illegal."
"Look if you don't want to have sex with me you can just say so." Callie stormed back to the cabana before Arizona could even process her words. She walked back up at her own pace and found Callie at the kitchen sink scrubbing the night's dishes.

"See this is your problem." Callie turned to face her, wiping her hands on a cloth. "You're so afraid to let yourself feel vulnerable or even just let yourself feel anything negative at all that you shut yourself up and force yourself to be so busy just so that you can ignore whatever it is that's bothering you. And then it eats at you. It just eats at you and i-"

"Arizona, shut up. Just shut up. Because i'm watching you scream at me and i cant hear anything other than the melody of your voice and i cant see anything more than the poetry your body writes as you move. And i just don't know how to listen to anything you're saying right now because you're just so beautiful." Callie yelled. She took advantage of the way her words had caught Arizona off guard, lowering her voice, she continued.
"I can't stop thinking about you. Every time i stop and try and let the pain in like Dr. Weaver wants me to, all i can see is your face and it makes me sick to my stomach because all of our wonderful memories have been tainted by the last two years and it makes me miss you so much that some times i feel like I'm going to explode. I'm sick of being sad and I'm sick of the way you treat me like i'm so fragile these days. It's very sweet, Arizona, and god knows how much i appreciate how gentle you've been with me and how hard you're working to fix us but right now i need some damn passion in my life. I need to make some new memories with you so that the next time i'm in the middle of yet another boring old geyser's hip replacement my surgical mask can hide the sly smile on my face as i think back to all the naughty things we did this weekend. I want to feel like i'm on fire again. So, please, take off your clothes and come have dirty, immature, kinda illegal sex in the ocean with me."

Arizona stared incredulously at Callie for a few seconds, eyebrows raised. She shook her head, before turning on her heel and walking out. Just as Callie's heart sank, Arizona's blue shirt came around the corner like a white flag. Callie's mega-watt smile lit up the room as she took off after her.

#####

Arizona sat on the back porch of the cabana on one of the wicker chairs. She looked out at the waves of the ocean while she listened to Karev go on about a tricky patient he had back in Seattle. She was supposed to be in the shower with Callie, washing off after their dip in the ocean before he called, so she could hardly be described as being invested in the conversation. Arizona let out a sigh when she heard the faucets shut indicating that Callie was already finished and she had just missed her chance at joining her.
"Look Alex, i understand why you're a little out of your depth here but i mean, when has that ever stopped you before? Just take a deep breath, do your research and jump in. You're a great surgeon, you can handle this on your own. Now if that's all i'd really like to go because your little meltdown just cost me some quality shower time with my hot, hot wife and i'd really like get back to her before she manages to put clothes on."
"Oh thing's are going well huh? I take it she gave you your ring back since you're calling her "wife" again. Smooth Robbins. Nice." Alex said with typical chauvinistic appreciation.
"Uh, well no, she- she didn't. I just, i guess it was a slip of the tongue." Arizona flailed. "Actually no. You know what, it wasn't, she's still my wife. We never got a divorce or officially decided to not be wives or whatever. But if it's what she needs, if it's how i keep her in my life, i'll do it. I'll do whatever she wants."
"She's still the one then?"
"She always will be, Alex." She replied.
"Go get her, Robbins."
"Good luck with your case." Arizona chuckled before hanging up.

#####

When she got to the bathroom she found that the door was still closed, Callie was still inside. She knocked.
"Yeah?" Came her voice through the door, husky and distant.
"Can i come in?"
"Sure."
Arizona opened the door to find Callie still naked and dripping in front of the mirror. Her arms were crossed over her chest and her head was cocked slightly to the side, her eyes out of focus.
"What's the matter?" Arizona said, suddenly on alert, thinking that earlier must not have gone quite as well as she'd thought after all.
"Nothing." Callie shook her head slowly.
"Callie, we talked about this. You promised to talk to me when something's on your mind?" Arizona pleaded.
"No, seriously. My mind is blank. Nothing's wrong. I feel kind of open. I feel good."
"I don't get it, if you feel good then why are you naked, staring into space in the bathroom?"
"I think i had, i don't know, like an epiphany. But i wasn't thinking about anything it was just like, suddenly this feeling washed over me. Like maybe things aren't great yet, but it finally feels like they can be again, you know. I was just standing here, absorbing it." Callie turned her head to smile softly at Arizona.
"You feel good?" Arizona matched her smile.
"I feel good." She caught her in a gentle embrace.

Theres a moment at the end of every story, after every dark time, where all the pieces fit together and suddenly you can see the full picture. You can see why every little moment had to happen in just such a way to bring you here. The best ones are when you don't even notice it happen, you're just doing the laundry and the last piece clicks and suddenly you feel lighter, fuller, easier. The first breath in during that moment feels like the last page of an old book and with it comes the anticipation for a new one. The feeling of possibility, of satisfaction, of calm. Therapists have a special name for this particular moment. They call it: acceptance.