I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to update. My kids are out of school and I can't seem to find the time to write, much less concentrate.
Thank you to all who have reviewed and put this story on alert. Please keep those reviews coming, it lets me know how I'm doing. Thanks to Cullenfan524 for being with me since the beginning.
A special thanks to robots will cry for being my beta on this chapter. Not only did she fix my mistakes, but she listened to me ramble. She has a cute one shot called The Self Help Section you should read.
My friend and I went to eclipse last night and I just loved it! It was awesome!
Disclaimer: Stephenie Myers owns Twilight and all of the characters. But this story and plot are mine.
So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe
I can't keep going under
Going Under by Evanescence
Chapter 12: Going Under
BPOV
It's been three months since we buried Charlotte. Three long months of days and nights blurring together in my mind of memories that were best long forgotten. Memories of things that I had tried to block out for so long that were now drowning me. It started before the funeral, but the sinking sensation just grew and grew to the point where I felt like I couldn't even tread water anymore.
It was surreal to me in many ways. There were times in the past that I wouldn't see her for a while and I would worry, wondering what had happened to her. It was always in the back of my mind that someday she would never come back.
Now that someday had come.
I knew that one day I would eventually lose her, that she would walk out the door and never walk back through it again. But knowing that and the reality of it are two different things entirely.
My days are consumed with what ifs and should haves. What if I had been able to convince her to go to rehab? Maybe I should have forced an intervention. If her parents and I had stood up to her and made her get help, maybe she would still be here. But at the same time I knew that you couldn't help anyone unless they wanted help.
The maybes were driving me insane.
Charlotte didn't want to change. She didn't see anything wrong with her life. She loved getting high. She loved getting high more than she loved anything else.
Including her.
Including her parents.
Including me.
That hurt as much as losing her. The fact that I wasn't enough for her to change her life or make her want to get help made me feel insignificant, worthless. It wasn't the first time that I wasn't important enough to someone to make them change.
My nights were filled with nightmares. Sometimes in my dreams, I would see her the way I did the night she died in the hospital. Her lifeless body lying in the hospital bed, her skin cold to the touch; no color in her except for the bruises under her eyes, and her lips that had turned blue from lack of oxygen.
Other times I would dream of when we were teenagers. It would be the three of us together hanging out at Mitchell's or sitting together at lunch in school laughing. Although those were trying times being a teenager, it was so much fun to be around them.
Even back then when she was just starting to experiment with the heavy drugs, I couldn't stay away from her. I knew that what she did was wrong. My father had taught me that nothing ever good came from drugs. I knew that I would never experiment with them because of the repercussions and the ultimate fear of my father if he found out. But she was my friend, and I wouldn't abandon her. No matter what.
A few times I had tried and talk to her or help her, but it would never go well.
It was a typical Friday night at Mitchell's. Music was blaring out of the speakers from the songs that I had chosen to play. It was easy to express myself through music since I was unable to articulate myself through speaking. I was way to shy to be as open as Edward and Charlotte were.
Edward and Charlotte had just finished snorting lines of coke that Mitchell had cut up for them. They had been drinking since we had arrived. Edward was sitting on the couch laughing at something Mitchell had said while Charlotte was swaying to the music.
Charlotte stumbled falling to her knees spilling her drink all over the floor. I jumped up to help her, putting my arms around her so I could help her back to her feet.
"Get the fuck off me. I can stand on my own two feet damn it!" Charlotte yelled at me. Tucking my head, I turned to the kitchen to get something to clean up the mess. With dish towels in hand, I bent down to dry up the mess.
"That's right. Good little Bella, always trying to do the right thing. Don't you ever get tired of being so good?" Charlotte's condescending tone brought tears to my eyes. This wasn't the first time that she had lashed out at me like this. When Charlotte was in a foul mood, she usually acted out against whoever was closest. I was usually the one on the receiving end.
I continued to mop up the mess without saying a word. The music had stopped causing the room to be unusually quiet. I sniffled once causing Charlotte to whimper in protest.
"Oh God Bella. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Forgive me. Please." This was Charlotte's famous line. She would always say that knowing good and well that I would do just that, forgive her.
There were so many times that I had seen her so wasted that she couldn't even stand up straight that it became second nature for me. Sometimes she was a funny drunk and would make you laugh so much that your sides would hurt. Then there were times that she was a nasty drunk and you wished you could just knock her out to put you and her out of misery.
It wasn't always bad. The good times outweighed the bad. Through the good and the bad, I stuck with her. She was my friend.
She lived her life vicariously and I couldn't help but gravitate towards her or Edward. It was easy to be sucked into their life and laugh along with them. Even though I knew what they did was wrong, I still hung around with them silently hoping that they would change the things they did.
But it never happened.
Since the day we buried Charlotte, my life has been a total mess. Not only was I not sleeping, but I couldn't eat. It was surprising that I hadn't lost more weight than I had. I could eat some, but my appetite was almost non existent. My throat was raw from crying and thick with all the emotions coursing through me. I couldn't swallow my own spit sometimes, much less food.
On top of everything else, thoughts of James were constantly nagging at me. The hurt that was so evident on his face when I told him not to harm Edward haunted me as much as everything else. To him, I know that he thought I was choosing Edward over him.
James was in love with me. I knew that. I had known it for a long time. The way he looked at me sometimes when he didn't think I was paying attention. The way he would be with me and talk to me when I was upset. Sometimes the way he would hold me was more intimate than just a friend would or even a boyfriend would. Sometimes it was like a lover's embrace.
That scared the hell out of me. I had never intended for him to get so close to me. Between our family connection and the other things that had brought us together, it was inevitable I suppose. But I struggled to keep him out of my heart. He gave me what I had longed for from someone else. But because he wasn't the one I had wanted to be with, it was hard to let him be close to me and yet it was easy to accept his attention.
He still wasn't the one I wanted to love me.
I didn't want anyone to love me. I didn't want to love anyone. My parents were the only people I loved besides Charlotte and I kept them at an arms length. The one I had loved and turned me away had broken me and love was the last thing I ever wanted again. My heart just couldn't take the hurt again. There was no way I could let anyone to get that close to me. I don't think I would survive it another time. Especially now that I have lost Charlotte.
James has given me the space I needed to try and deal with my problems. The only problem was that I couldn't seem to get a handle on my emotions enough to talk to Edward. I just couldn't bring myself to call him yet.
Thoughts of him were consuming me, driving me mad. Seeing him, after all these years was confusing the hell out of me. The feelings I still had for him scared me. It was as strong now as it was then. Love truly had no boundaries.
My mind kept going back to the same thought over and over again. What did he want? Why after all this time did he feel like he had to talk to me? What could he have to say now that could make a difference? He said he wanted to apologize to me, but I didn't think there was anything he could say that would make a difference now.
The only reason that I could come up with that he came back for was Charlotte. He wanted to his pay respects to her. It had nothing to do with me. It never had anything to do with me.
I still can't believe he came to the funeral. The night before the funeral, when James had confronted him, I didn't think he would come back. When he was there the next day, I was flooded with emotions from seeing him. The rapid beats of my heart, in response to being around him again, slowly chipped away at my armor. I was already falling apart. My reaction to him just made everything that much worse.
The funeral went by in a blur. When I think about it, the only thing that sticks out in my mind is what happened afterwards. It wasn't surprising to me that I fell apart. I knew that it was going to happen; I just didn't know what was going to topple me over that edge.
The thought of Charlotte being in that casket brought back memories of the times that we had to sleep with a night light, because she was afraid of the dark. All of the memories of her came crashing in on me at once. Then with Edward being there, the dam broke and my shield cracked, it all came pouring out of me with a force that couldn't be controlled, even with all the years I had of doing just that.
It was all too much; Charlie trying to calm me down, Renee trying to reason with me, Edward's calm and cool demeanor. All of it pushed me over the edge that I had tried so hard to hold onto.
All the things I had ever thought of saying to Edward came rushing out of my mouth, along with the anger that had built up in me over the years. As I yelled and screamed at him, I pushed him and shoved at him, while my body overloaded with all of emotions I was feeling, until I couldn't take anymore and I passed out.
When I woke up, it took me a moment to realize where I was. Lying there in bed, it all came rushing back to me. Trying to regain some of my composure before I left the room to face everyone, I heard raised voices outside my room. It didn't take long for me to know what was happening.
Facing them was hard to do. I was damned no matter what I did. If I let James hurt Edward, I was sure that it would push Edward away and I wouldn't be able to get the answers that I so desperately wanted. The other choice would be to let James do his worst and take his side against Edward ultimately rejecting him as he had done to me so many years ago.
I just couldn't do it. Even though Edward had hurt me beyond repair, I just couldn't do to him what he had done to me. This was my choice. For once I was given a choice. If I chose badly, then at least I could say that I was to blame.
Truthfully, there was really no choice in the matter at all. It was Edward. It was always Edward.
It wasn't easy hurting James. He had been so good to me and I did nothing but throw it back in his face by discarding his feelings. When he left, it chipped away at my already fragile heart to know that I had hurt him.
When I looked back to Edward, I could see guilt in his eyes along with sadness. It was clearly written on his face that he felt responsible for all that had happened. He started to leave and my heart stopped at the thought of him walking away from me again. Almost to the point of begging, I asked if he would give me time before I could agree to talk to him.
I'm so pathetic.
Edward said he would give me time, agreeing to wait as long as I needed. Although I wasn't sure how long he would wait or how long it would take me to gain the courage I needed to confront him. I hadn't seen or heard from him since Charlotte's funeral which raised doubt in my mind. Did he just give up like before? Was he giving me the space that I needed to deal with everything? The only problem was that I wasn't dealing with it all.
A soft knock at my door interrupted my thoughts. "Bella?" My mother's voice questioned. "Can I come in?"
My mother was just as upset as I have been these last few months. She was worried about me. I could see it clearly on her face. Her only child was wasting away right in front of her and she couldn't do anything about it.
At night when my nightmares had awakened her with my screaming, she would come to me and hold me until my breathing had evened out again and the tears had subsided.
During the day she would watch me as if I was about to fall apart, which wasn't far from the truth. Her voice was always soft, full of concern when she tried to tell me over and over again that what happened to Charlotte wasn't my fault. Deep down I knew she was right, but the guilt that was layered over my heart would not let what she said penetrate through.
My heart. My heart hurt so bad. It ached so bad that I thought my chest was going to cave in. The loss of Charlotte was bad enough, but it also brought back memories of losing Edward all over again. Then on top of hurting James and the hurt I was causing my parents from my catatonic state, I was surprised I hadn't fallen apart.
When Renee entered the room, I knew what she saw. I was sitting on the window seat, my legs curled up to me with my arms wrapped around them and my head resting on my knees. It was second nature for me to keep my arms around myself now, making the pain a little more bearable holding myself together.
From lack of sun, I was paler than my usual white skin. What was normally creamy white with a healthy glow, now had a sickly parlor to it. Dark circles under my eyes, which were rimmed with red from the tears that threatened to spill at any given moment. My clothes hung off my body, making me look even more thin and frail than before.
Since the funeral, I hadn't listened to the radio for fear of hearing a familiar song. Music had once been my outlet to express myself. Now it was a bitter reminder of what I had lost. The television and the stereo sat in the corner, the remote sitting on top covered with dust from not being used. Even my favorite books, sitting on my bookshelf collecting dust, no longer held interest to me.
After Renee surveyed the room, her eyes met mine. The sorrow that dulled her eyes brought tears to mine. Guilt layered upon guilt, knowing that I had put that look in her eyes for the way I was acting now, and the way I had in the past. Unable to take anymore, I turned my head to look out the window.
"You can't keep doing this baby. You can't keep blaming yourself for something that you had absolutely no control over." Renee sighed deeply and sat on the window seat with me. She pried my fingers away from legs, lacing her fingers with mine.
"If you want to blame someone, blame me for encouraging your friendship with her. Blame the drug dealers that Charlotte bought her drugs from. Blame the people who got Charlotte started on drugs. Blame Charlotte." Renee's voice was calm at first but steadily grew louder as she continued. She stopped abruptly realizing that she was practically yelling at me.
Taking what looked like a calming breath, she started again. "Charlotte was so impressionable. I thought that maybe she would see that you could have a good life without drugs by being friends with you. But I was wrong. So very wrong. It broke my heart the way she ended up. It broke my heart even more as I watched you suffer. You're still suffering Bella. I can't stand it anymore."
Renee stood, pacing the floor in front of me. It was so unlike my mother to be so keyed up and upset. She was normally calm and collective. Worry for me had driven her to this.
"We're going away for a while. I've rented a beach house and I'm taking you away from here. There are too many memories for you here. You need some time to heal without all of this staring back at you." Her arms swept out gesturing around the room, but I knew that she meant everything; the house, the neighborhood, the town.
She sat down taking my hand in hers lightly stroking my palm. "I've watched for years as you shut everyone out of your life. If anybody tried to get to close, you would pull away. I'm not going to let you do this again."
"I know Charlotte was your friend. She was the only person you let get close to you besides Edward." As the pain flashed across my face, she framed my face with her hands forcing me to look into her eyes. "I also know that when everything happened with Edward, you turned to her because you felt betrayed. I'm sorry that you every felt that way. You don't know how much I regret the choices your father and I made on your behalf. It was not done lightly."
A sob tore out of my throat as tears streamed down my face. Renee gathered me in her arms, cradling me to her like she did when I was a child. I missed this. Being in her arms while she comforted me broke down the rest of my shield I had built around my heart. For once, in a very long time, I let myself go. I gave into the need to be loved by my mother and let her take some of my pain away.
I'm not sure how long she held me. For the first time in a long time, relief washed over me. When I was younger, I wasn't always open to physical contact, but when I needed it, I knew my mother was there for me. As she held me, I was comforted by the thought that she was still there for me. Even though I had held her away from getting too close, she was still there.
My crying slowed. The pressure that was in my chest lightened. The pain was still there, I knew it always would be, but it wasn't weighing as heavy on me as before. Letting go of all the pain and guilt I had pent up inside me, letting my mother hold me in her arms becoming my shield for once, was more freeing than I could have imagined.
Renee's fingers were lightly stroking my hair, reminding me of when I was a little girl. When I was sad or upset, she would run her fingers through my hair and lightly tease my scalp making me forget all my problems.
There are some things that you will never forget, but you can set them aside for a little while.
"Bella, your father and I love you more than anything else in this world. All we ever wanted for you was for you to be happy. Whatever you need us to do, we will do for you. If you don't want to go to the beach, we don't have to go. We just thought it would be nice. Your father was going so he could fish some." I couldn't see her face, but I was sure that she was rolling her eyes. Some fishing to Charlie would be the equivalent to a lot of fishing for someone else.
Her fingers were still running through my hair while she held me close. "You took a leave of absence from work so that you could grieve. I also think that you did it so you could figure out what you are going to do now. I'm not sure if you will be able to do that here. I think it would be good for us to get away. All of us. It will give us a chance to reconnect."
A giggle escaped from my lips before I knew it. The sound was as foreign to me as it seemed to be to her. Renee pulled away from me looking me in the eyes. The first hint of a smile I had seen on her face since the funeral tugged at the corner of her mouth. Her smile was infectious and I couldn't help but give a timid smile back.
"And just what do you find so amusing?" Renee questioned as her eyes crinkled in the corners as her smile grew bigger.
"You were always so big on feelings." I told her as I rolled my eyes, emphasizing the word feelings, when another giggle burst from my lips. Renee had always been one to express herself without hesitation. Charlie and I, being the quiet ones we were, had always got a kick out of Renee when she started talking about expressing your inner self.
Renee wrapped her arms around me in a bone crushing hug. "Oh, Bella. I've missed that sound."
The fact was so did I. It had been a long time since I had laughed so freely, especially with my mother. Since everything with Edward, I had shut her out of my life without a second thought. I had done to her what Edward had done to me. My body stiffened from the memory.
Renee sensed the change in my body instantly releasing me so that she could look at my face. "What's wrong Bella?"
Thoughts of the way I had treated my parents and pushed them away wracked my body with guilt making my stomach recoil. The guilt of that had been layered on with everything else.
"I'm so sorry Mama. I shouldn't have shut you out the way I did." I murmured as the tears began to stream down my cheeks again. "I was so hurt when Edward rejected me. Then when he overdosed, the idea of something happening to him regardless of how he felt about me, I was heartbroken at the thought of him dying. When I found out that you and Daddy had lied to me, kept what happened to Edward away from me, it was all too much."
Hastily I wiped the tears off my cheeks. "I turned to Charlotte because I knew that she would always be honest with me. No matter what, she wouldn't reject me, lie to me, or keep things from me. But most of all, I knew I would never have to let Charlotte get too close. She didn't want people getting close to her and I wouldn't let people get close to me. We shared a bond because of how long we had been friends and all the things we shared with each other, but we never let the other inside."
"Even though that is all true, I still loved her. Unconditionally." Pressing a hand to my heart, I felt the erratic beating that alerted me that I was panicking. This had happened several times since the funeral. Remembering what had been had caused me to have a panic attack causing my heart to palpate and a sheen of sweat would break out across my skin even though I was ice cold. "I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. No matter what she did or how she treated me, I loved her like she was my flesh and blood."
Wrapping my arms around my mother, I buried my face against her and began to sob. She embraced me as my tears soaked her shirt. "I loved her. She was everything to me. Just like you and Daddy are. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I will never do it again. I love you Mama."
"I know you do. Just like I know you love Charlotte. Bella, you did what you thought you had to do to protect yourself. Don't worry about it anymore. Don't worry about anything. Let's worry about getting you happy. That's all we want for you, is to be happy. We love you."
It felt good to let the warmth of her love surround me, reaching deep inside easing my troubled heart. She understood and accepted what I had done in order for me to survive and I was forgiven. It was so easy for Renee to love me even after I pushed her away after all these years. Along with her love, she gave me forgiveness which eased a little of my guilt.
My thoughts shifted to Edward. Would I be able to forgive him so easily? Only time would tell.
A/N: What did you think? Hate it? Love it? Sucks or what? Did any of it make sense? Please review and let me know. This story has almost 8,000 hits and so many people have this story on alert. I would love to hear from you.
A few things I would like to say. Bella is on a downward spiral because she has so much to deal with at one time. The loss of Charlotte, hurting James, realizing that she hurt her parents and on top of all that Edward coming back at the worst of all times.
She is trying to process all of this alone and hurting because she is scared to trust anyone. As far as Edward goes, I don't think anyone would forgive him so easily. He hurt her. The hurt is deep and rooted. She may still love him and want answers, but she can't forgive him just yet. Give it time.
