Guys I am so so so so so sorry! I didn't have any internet access in Nebraska so I couldn't update. I'm so sorry! I will put up a mini finisher later today as an apology. Please forgive me! THis is the very last chapter of the story. I'm planning on an omake or two at some point just to add a few things. They won't be under the same title, though. I'm not sure what to call them. I'll put it in the finisher.

AN: Most of this chapter will be during Kanda's time without Allen. Just to warn you. And thank you to xXxPhantomxXx for explaining what happened with Jasdevi. I honestly had no reason to make that happen, it just seemed to fit the best and I like them the most so I made them good guys. If you guys want to know what xXxPhantomxXx said, check the reviews for chapter 10. Thanks for your continual support!

Disclaimer: Don't own!

Kanda had to relearn how to walk. It seemed silly, but after collapsing the first time he tried, he was convinced. It took a long time, nearly two weeks. By that time, he could walk for a short period of time. He made it all the way across the hospital lengthwise without help on the twelfth day. Lenalee looked at him with such pride in her eyes. It made him want to be sick again. He walked the next five feet into the bathroom leaning against the wall. He shut the door with a shaking arm and knelt in front of the toilet. He took several deep breaths and punched the porcelain lid.

If he couldn't see that pride in… in his eyes, why did he have the right to see it in anyone's?

Kanda sat in front of Allen's bed day after day, barely taking the time to shove a few bites of soba into his mouth before racing back to the infirmary to hold his hand and talk aimlessly to the boy once more.

Kanda got angry even more often than before. He broke down nearly every day. Lavi even backed down with the teasing and pestering. Everyone was tiptoeing around him, like a piece of fragile glass. It drove him crazy, the way they pitied him and the apologies they offered. Every time somebody said 'I'm sorry for your loss' Kanda growled and left to hit something.

Kanda spoke about the daily happenings of the Order, how Lavi had been an idiot again, how much everyone missed Allen. He really didn't know what to say, so everything came tumbling out at once.

His favorite places to stay became the ones where he would disappear to with Allen. He went to the roof of the Order, but it wasn't the same. Of course, the view was different, and the roof itself was different, being at the Asian Branch instead of the usual headquarters. But that wasn't it. It was the warmth that he wanted beside him, the hand in his, the head resting up against his chest. The warm breath blowing against his cheek, the whispered words in his ear. That was what was missing. He missed the white hair, silver eyes, stupid crisp white shirt under a perfectly tailored vest, that red ribbon that was always tied so spic and span.

Allen.

His Allen.

Moyashi.

The thought of those perfectly white gloves sent a pang of longing and sorrow through his heart. His whole body tingled with the sensation. Kanda's eyes watered and his hands began shaking ever so slightly. Next came the images of Allen, perfectly pink and glowing after Kanda had ravaged him so. His eyes shone with happiness, and his face was split into a broad grin.

Kanda slept with his head on the side of Allen's bed every night. He hadn't set foot into his own room for days. He would hold Allen's hand tightly in his, praying to whatever god or gods there were in the world that his Moyashi would be okay, that he would wake up and everything would go back to normal.

The tears broke free of their dam, and Kanda dug his fingers into the tiles. He sat there for hours until the sun went down, and Matron began searching for him with all of her manpower. Every nurse and exorcist in the Order came to search for the lost samurai. Krory found the man at the top of the Order, lying on his back and staring at the stars.

Krory approached him slowly, and coughed to alert the other to his presence. Kanda didn't react. Krory sighed and sat down on the edge, letting his feet dangle over the edge. Kanda began to speak.

"Do you ever think about her? Eliade, I mean. Lavi told me about how you killed her to protect him and Allen. Do you ever regret it?" Kanda fell silent, and Krory was about to answer when he spoke again. "I do. I didn't kill him, but I was damn straight one reason he didn't make it. I should have seen him, I should have made him go back inside. I shouldn't have sent him to Lavi and I shouldn't have let him leave my side. He couldn't fight, he wasn't able to invoke. He was my responsibility as soon as he came outside and I failed him." A bitter tone leaked into his voice. Krory bit his tongue and rubbed a hand down his face.

"Kanda, I killed Eliade because I had to. It was that or let two people fighting for good die."

Kanda woke from his position at Allen's bedside and shook himself. He went to the cafeteria to get some food.

As soon as Lenalee saw him, he expected a hug and a soft sob in his ear. Instead, she drove her fist deeply into his gut.

"You idiot! You can't do that kind of thing! You're still injured, you're still weak! You need to stay in the infirmary and let Matron take care of you! Just because Allen is gone doesn't mean that you can just forget about your own health! We need you as an exorcist, Kanda. We need you to get back at the Noah for killing Allen!"

That was the first time he had ever heard her say that Allen was actually dead. It struck him like a physical blow, like a thousand punches in his chest. Lenalee realized her mistake and began apologizing furiously. Kanda held up a hand to stop her. He turned on his heel and walked away, down towards the entrance.

Matron stood in his way, blocking his path. She held a syringe threateningly towards him and shook her finger. Kanda paused for a moment, weighing the benefits and the doubts. He tried to push past her, only to receive a needle to his neck. He hit his knees soon afterwards and the nurses dragged him off towards the sick bay.

He barely paid any attention to the soba in front of him, robotically moving his chopsticks from his food to his mouth.

Lavi knocked gently on the table beside Kanda. "Hey, is anybody home?" He smiled gently. "You know, I don't think that Allen would want you to just sit here and feel sorry for yourself. He would want you to work towards defeating the Noah, like he was going to. He would-"

Kanda slammed his palms onto the table and stood abruptly. "Why on earth do you think that you have the slightest idea about what Allen would want? You don't know anything about him!" He rushed forward, snatching Lavi's lapels. He shoved him up against a wall, slightly cutting off Lavi's air flow. "You haven't an inkling of how I feel right now, and you want me to just drop everything and be back to normal?"

Lavi's eyes softened and he shook his head. "That's not what I expect in the least." Kanda's grip loosened in surprise, and Lavi sighed in relief. "Please, Kanda, just hear me out. I know it hurts. I know that you don't want to go anywhere or do anything that even barely reminds you of what you had with Allen. I know that it feels like you can't even get up in the morning because you know that you will never see him again."

By this time, the entire cafeteria was filled with an eerie, watchful silence. All of the finders were on their feet, ready to restrain Kanda if the need be. Lavi gently pulled Kanda's hands away from his throat. "Kanda, I'm not asking you to go back to normal. I know that here is no normal without him. I'm just asking that you try to be strong for him."

At his words, Kanda's eyes filled with tears. He buried his face in Lavi's shoulder, trying to control the sobs that wracked his shoulders. Lenalee quickly got to her feet and ushered the spectators out of the canteen. Lavi wrapped his arms around Kanda's shoulders.

"I-I don't know how to be strong anymore." Kanda's broken words were muffled by Lavi's coat. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I don't know how I'm going to keep fighting like this."

Lavi didn't have anything to say to that. He just hugged Kanda tighter and stroked his long, smooth hair.

Kanda didn't skip out on his training, even if he was aching to be at Allen's side the entire time he was away. He swung his sword ferociously. He pictured his own idiocy with every swing, trying to eradicate his failures with the swing of a blade. It didn't work. His failures still haunted his thoughts and his dreams.

Kanda lay on his bed listlessly. His hair splayed behind him in a mess and his hair tie was thrown off to the side carelessly. As warm as his body was, his bed was always cold. Nothing he could do would make it not seem so cold.

It sunk into his skin, chilling his bones and numbing his fingertips. Kanda could see Allen, right where he should be, draped over Kanda's arm and snuggled into his side. Kanda could feel the soft ends of his hair tickling his side, and the warm breaths ghosting over his skin. Kanda could feel tears pricking the corners of his eyes. He blinked madly, trying to dispel the moisture.

The bed beside Allen was so warm, warmer than Kanda remembered it being. His eyes snapped open, startled by the sudden excess of heat. He shouted for Komui and pressed his forehead against Allen's; it was burning up. Komui raced into the room and immediately left once more. He ran back a few minutes later with a soaking washcloth and a bowl of water.

"There's not much we can do here; it's up to Allen to win this one. Just keep soaking the towel and putting it on his forehead when it dries or gets too hot. That's the best we can do at the moment. I'm sorry, Kanda."

Kanda rolled over and gripped Allen's pillow to his body. He inhaled deeply, trying to find a last remnant of the scent he loved so much.

Kanda hated the way Allen seemed so vulnerable and fragile, lying there on the bed like he was. His Moyashi had never been such a weak-looking thing before. Something had changed. The smell of sick hovered in the air.

Allen smelled like peaches and cream with a hint of honey underlying. Kanda gave up as his head started to swim with the abundance of oxygen. He finally let the tears roll down his cheeks and threw the pillow across the room in anger. He tried to slow his breathing and calm down.

Kanda brushed his hands through Allen's hair absentmindedly. Kanda hadn't noticed, but they now reached nearly to his shoulders. He focused on his lover's eyes, still beneath their lids. It was frightening, how still he was. So very frightening.

He stood silently and strode towards the fallen pillow.

On missions, Kanda was even more cold and calculating than before. Every swing of his sword brought down an akuma, and several brought down multiple demons. He finished them off with silent deadliness, never uttering a word to another person. The only words he ever said were the same as Allen's.

"Bring peace to this tormented akuma's soul."

Kanda stared up at the stars once again. He was on the roof, this time with the permission of Matron and Komui. He had hated to ask permission for something so trivial, but he didn't want to be interrupted again. He stared long and hard at the bright diamonds twinkling above him. They were so ethereal, so unearthly beautiful. After three or four hours, the stars began to shift from their positions in the sky.

Kanda looked out the window of the infirmary, seeing how beautiful the stars were. He pointed to them and began speaking to Allen, recounting the tales of heroes and monsters that were great enough to be immortalized in the very heavens above.

The stars rearranged themselves, depicting Kanda and Allen hand in hand. They were walking casually, down the halls of the Order, most likely. Kanda could see the love and happiness swirling in Allen's eyes.

Kanda fisted his hand and bit one knuckle. He could feel the ache behind his eyes that came from crying. "Allen…"

A rustle behind him startled him out of his thinking. He leaped to his feet, hand already drawing Mugen and pointing it at the intruder's throat. His vision swam, and his knees buckled. He was about three inches from falling down hundreds of feet to his death, before a strong pair of arms wrapped around his torso and heaved back. The scent of coffee filled his nose.

"Komui?"

"Hi there, Kanda. Are you alright? That didn't look too pleasant." Komui chuckled and propped Kanda against his shoulder. "You good to stand, or do I have to carry you inside?"

Kanda shook his head and scrambled inelegantly to his feet. "I'm fine, you damn scientist." He spat the words. The supervisor just shrugged and strolled towards the peak of the roof.

"If you insist. I just came out to make sure you weren't dead or something of the sort." Kanda snorted. "I know, I know. No need to worry about you, right?" A slight nod of the head, barely even an incline. "But I still do. I still worry about you and I know I shouldn't, but I do."

Kanda's eyes narrowed. He had no idea where Komui was going with this one, and it was getting on his nerves.

"We really didn't think you were going to make it for a while, Kanda. Honest to God, there were finders who were ready to build you a goddamn coffin right then and there." He buried his face in his hands.

Kanda took a tentative seat beside Komui and slowly lifted his hand to Komui's head, smooshing his beret. "Don't worry about it. I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, Baka Supervisor."

Komui smiled gently as Kanda woke up from his nightmare, reassuring him with soft words and a firm grip. Allen's bed sheets were clenched tightly in Kanda's fingers. Tears slipped down his face unrelentingly and Kanda's free hand wandered to Komui's jacket. He buried his face in Komui's shoulder in shame.

Komui rubbed his hand firmly up and down Kanda's back. "It's alright. He's right here, he's gonna be okay." Kanda's hand wandered from the sheets to gently caress Allen's face. The boy didn't react. Large, shuddering sobs tore themselves free of Kanda's chest.

Kanda flipped off Lavi when he called him Yuu again. Lavi's wide grin faltered and he stopped moving forward. "I'm not in the mood for it today, Lavi."

Lavi's eye widened as Kanda actually used his name. "Kanda? Is something wrong?" Kanda shook his head and started walking away. Lavi ran after him and latched onto his arm. "Tell me."

Kanda grit his teeth and shook him off. "I'm fine. Leave it alone." Lavi could only stare helplessly at Kanda as he walked away.

Kanda jumped in front of the akuma, blocking Lenalee from the hit. He hit the ground solidly as he heard Lenalee shout his name. He forced himself to his feet. The akuma laughed hysterically and he brandished Mugen. He leapt at the thing, slicing it in half.

The samurai walked back towards his comrade, pulling her roughly to her feet. She didn't fail to notice the tears that lingered at the edges of his eyes.

She wanted so badly to sling the stubborn exorcist's arm over her shoulder and help him back to the hotel, but she knew that he wouldn't accept any help from her. Even with the gaping hole in his side, he wouldn't allow himself a moment of rest.

Kanda stared at the blade in his hand. It glinted demonically back at him, begging him to press it to his skin and forget the pain of the things he had done, and the things he would never do. He gently raised the cold steel, pressing it ever so slightly against his throat. He swallowed, feeling the sharp bite of the metal as it nicked his skin. He took a deep breath, ready to push it in. A droplet of blood rolled slowly down his neck.

He flung the blade away from him, screaming at himself for even thinking those kinds of thoughts. There was no way in hell that he could let himself die before he exacted his revenge on those goddamned Noah! He curled into a ball on the other side of the bathroom, slamming his fist into the cold tile floor. He choked back a scream.

Kanda took the blade in his hand and threw it out of the Order's highest window as hard as he possibly could and watched as it fell into the depths of the trees around. He never wanted to see that godforsaken knife again. It had caused him enough strife for many lifetimes.

He stayed in the fetal position for hours on end before he heard another pair of shoes clanking heavily on the tiles. He heard a small gasp before large, calloused hands began patting him down, searching his naked body for wounds.

"Kanda? Kanda, are you alright? Please, say something!" Kanda stiffly raised his head from his knees. Lavi sighed and sat back heavily. "Damn, you just like scaring the living shit out of people, don't ya?" He stood and wandered over to the sink. He grabbed a handful of paper towels and dampened them with the tap water.

Lavi walked back towards Kanda and pulled his legs gently. Kanda obligingly stretched, and revealed himself in all his glory. Lavi winced and shed his jacket. He draped it over Kanda's privates. The redhead knelt beside the teen and began scrubbing furiously at a trail of blood running from his throat down to his chest. Kanda winced at the pressure and tried to push Lavi away, but the rabbit would have none of it.

"I swear to God, Kanda, you let me get this goddamn blood off of you or so help me I will tie you down in here to do it. And I won't be so kind as to give my jacket to you a second time."

Kanda grudgingly stopped struggling and allowed the other to clean him. He flinched whenever the cold towels touched his skin. "Kanda, you're an idiot, you know that?" He finished wiping the blood off of Kanda's chest and threw the soiled towels in the trash. He snatched another and began roughly wiping the excess water from Kanda's skin.

"In what way am I such an Idiot?" Lavi shook his head firmly, keeping his head down. His voice was watery when he next spoke.

"You just are, you big idiot." He wrapped his arms around the other. He stuck his face in Kanda's chest. "I know you miss him. I do. But we miss him too. And we'd miss you. I don't think the rest of us would be able to keep going like this if you took your own goddamn life. Lenalee's walking on wires already. I know that Krory and Miranda aren't sleeping anymore, and I know that even Chaozi has stopped eating like he should. It's taking its toll on everybody, and you… leaving us… will shove them all over the edge. Please, if not for you, then for everyone else."

Kanda could only bury his head in his hands and hold back sob after sob.

Kanda woke up with his head on Allen's bedside, like he had done so many times before. The boy was as unresponsive as ever, the only assurance that he was alive being the slow and steady rise and fall of his chest and the loud, repetitive beeping of the heart monitor. Kanda held tightly to Allen's deformed hand and pushed up the sleeve. He ran his fivers up and down the limb, drifting softly over the pockmarked and creviced skin. Allen's fingers twitched barely. It was the first response Allen had given since he fell back asleep the first time. It had been another two days.

Kanda smiled.

"Hey, Allen. I know you're alright, but I still think you should be waking up about now. You're worrying a lot of people still, ya know?" He tangled his fingers with Allen's and pressed the red skin to his lips. "Please, please just wake up. I need you, you Baka Moyashi."

After Lavi's little pep talk, Kanda began getting progressively more normal. He still cringed when somebody mentioned Allen, and he still disappeared every once in a while for hours at a time, but he began interacting with the exorcists more naturally. He went back to terrorizing Lavi. He treated Lenalee like a little sister again. He scared the living crap out of Miranda and Krory.

He started going to the canteen regularly again. He sat next to Lenalee and Lavi and the entire group. He ate his same damn soba as always, with that same damn smug look on his face. The only goddamn difference is that every meal, he got a single stick of mitarashi dango. He never ate any, just set it on his plate and left it there.

Lavi still worried, but it was a lot more manageable. Kanda still had his little quirks, but they weren't any danger to anyone. He took to those pushups that Allen had always done in the morning, trying to strengthen his muscles beyond what they were now. Kanda could barely do three or four at a time, much less three hundred. Still, he insisted on doing them.

He also kept Timcanpy with him. The little golem had been missing in action for the entire time, though he was actually just staying in Kanda's room, underneath the pillow that was once Allen's. Kanda went to find the little golem just after he made up his mind to continue living like an exorcist instead of a damned invalid. The golem willingly came to the teen's hands and nuzzled into his skin. His little needlepoint teeth gently ground into Kanda's hands, barely making an indent in the rough skin. Large crocodile tears started dripping down the golem's face from hidden orifices. Kanda set the golem gently on his shoulder and it sat there without complaint. The two became virtually inseparable, the golem never leaving the man's shoulder for more than a few seconds.

Another very noticeable difference was the ribbon that Kanda used to tie his hair. Instead of the usual blue one wrapped thrice about his hair, Kanda had taken to using a different tie. It was long and red, a silk tie that Kanda had snuck from Allen's clothing. The boy had only ever had two of the lovely ribbons, and one had been wrapped around the boy's neck the day he had been taken. Kanda often untied it from his locks and let them flow loosely around his shoulders. He would wrap and unwrap the silk around his fingers, his wrist. It became something of a nervous tic of his, though he would never allow himself to let others see him like that. He would find an excuse to leave and make his way to the roof or his room before letting down his hair. He would slowly untie

The next time Kanda woke up, Allen was already awake and sitting up. His slender, discolored fingers were tangled in Kanda's hair. The boy was staring straight ahead at the blank wall.

Kanda sat up quickly, pulling the hand from his hair and wrapping his own hand around it. He bent over Allen with concern in his eyes.

"Moyashi? Allen, what's wrong?" The whitette didn't react. "Allen! Look at me!" He squeezed Allen's hand tightly. A dim light filled Allen's eyes. He turned his head slowly to look at Kanda.

Kanda let out a breath. "Don't scare me like that! I thought something was wrong again!" He wrapped his arms gently around the boy's shoulders and pressed his cheek against the white hair. "Why aren't you saying anything?" He pulled away and held the other at arm's length. He looked carefully up and down Allen's body, searching for the cause of his listlessness.

"Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you, Beansprout? I can't help you if I don't know the problem. Tell me!" Kanda felt the panic he had growing when Allen didn't respond. He roughly shook the boy's shoulders. "Say something! Please, don't do this to me!"

Allen's eyes welled up with tears and a grimace painted onto his face. Kanda was instantly regretful. But he kept his face stoic and stared at the boy. "Tell me."

Allen buried his face in Kanda's shoulders. A sob broke out of him, shaking his whole body. "I-I'm… I can't move my legs. Komui says I never will again."

Kanda froze. His body stiffened and his eyes widened. The samurai lifted his arms and wrapped them loosely around the shaking shoulders. Allen's hands fisted in Kanda's exorcist jacket. "Please don't hate me."

"What? Why on earth would I hate you?" Allen shook his head.

"Please, I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry."

Kanda looked up at the boy, confused. "What do you have to be sorry for, Allen? It's alright, you're okay now. We're not going to hurt you. It's gonna be fine from here on out, I promise." He reached for Allen's face, gently brushing a few hairs out of his eyes. God, the white locks had gotten so long.

Allen's gray eyes flitted to the ground in shame. Tears began falling steadily onto the white sheets, leaving splotches. Kanda's hand automatically went to Allen's chin. He lifted the boy's head, forcing him to look Kanda in the eye. "Allen, whatever it is, I would never hate you. I swear on my life that I would never hate you, Allen. I love you."

Another sob forced its way up and out of Allen's throat. "Oh, god, Kanda, I'm so sorry. I- I let him in… I couldn't stop him!"

"Stop whom? Allen, let who in where?"

"Tyki Mikk! I… he… he raped me." Allen's voice got small and quiet. "I tried to stop him, I really tried. But, I just couldn't! He was too strong…"

Kanda tightened his arms around Allen's shoulders. He pressed the boy's face into his chest and nuzzled into the white hair. "Allen… Allen, I'm so sorry. You did a good job, it's okay, I love you Allen. It's not your fault, I'm so sorry I let this happen to you." He let a lone tear fall down his face before he steeled his emotions.

"Allen, did Komui tell you why exactly you can't move your legs?"

Allen nodded. "No, but I know why. Tyki broke my spine so that I couldn't fight back." Kanda growled loudly and dug his fingers into Allen's arms.

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I'm so so so so sorry that I couldn't help you. I should have been there, I shouldn't have let any of this happen to you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." He began rocking back and forth slowly. Allen sobbed loudly, shoving the knuckles of his right hand between his teeth.

"Please don't leave me. Please don't hate me. Please, please don't make me go back there."

Kanda began kissing every inch of Allen's face he could reach. Between kisses, he murmured to the boy. "I won't leave you. I'll never leave you. I don't hate you. I'm sorry. I could never hate you. I swear on my life, I'll never let them take you back there again. You're safe. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. I love you so much. I love you, Moyashi. I love you, Allen."

With that, he slammed his lips gently against Allen's, moving in sync with the younger's body. They pressed their chests against each other, fighting to keep as much of themselves touching as physically possible. Kanda pushed the boy down on the bed and slid his hand under Allen's sheets. The boy still was not wearing a shirt, nor a hospital gown, as they all figured that they should keep him as still as they could.

Allen moaned loudly, longing for the touch that had been missing for so long. Kanda's hand brushed over his left side and Allen cringed. Kanda stopped moving and pulled his face from Allen's. The boy was panting, Innocence hand pressing tightly against the bandages. Kanda could see a glimmer of fresh blood welling under the boy's fingers.

"Ah, fuck. I'm so sorry, Moyashi. I'm so sorry." He gently pushed the boy back down onto the bed and placed the damn annoying oxygen mask over his nose and mouth. Kanda continued apologizing, near tears as he ran his fingers through Allen's long white hair. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have don't that. I'm so sorry. Are you alright? I'm sorry."

Allen shook his head. "It's not your fault." He spoke with difficulty through the mask. "I'm fine. Just don't leave me." His voice was small. "I missed you, Kanda."

Kanda's heart was officially broken into three thousand pieces. He couldn't even begin to try and stop the wash of tears that coursed down his face. "I missed you too, Allen. I missed you so much."


AN: I'm done. I'm just finished with this story. If you want, leave a review. Thanks for reading to the end, guys. Finisher will be up in two hours; approximately 5:30 Central US time.

Ciao!