XII Confusion and Guilt

Things weren't just that easy as Hermione expected to be.

She thought that since Oliver was back and they were back into their relationship, things would get better. Well, they sure did. Whenever they met, Oliver would always have a few words with her, and they had lunch together for a few times, too. But destiny still couldn't be changed. Oliver was going to take part in his N.E.W.T.s - Nastily Exhausting Wizard's Test, this year. He's getting busier and busier every day. It was still mid-October, but he was already taking extra classes every other day in the evenings. Other than that, Oliver got his Quidditch practices. As the Gryffindor team leader, he used most of his spare time to train his team members and think ways to win the other teams...It was his last year at Hogwarts, you know. Time he can spare for Hermione was getting less and less. Hermione felt quite left-out, though she knew it was unavoidable...

"What a wonderfully bright sunny day!" Lee Jordan shouted merrily through the microphone, "just the right kind of weather for our Quidditch season to start!!!"

Trumpets blasted, drums boomed, and the crowd cheered crazily, this year's first Quidditch match had started at last. From behind the red curtains and the blue, the Quidditch players of Gryffindor and Ravenclaw flew out abruptly one after one. First the leaders, Oliver Wood from Gryffindor and Collino Jones from Ravenclaw sped off, sending a few girls watching the game off their feet, and bleeding their noses, both leaders were the top hotties of their houses. Then the chasers and beaters flew out, making the crowd even more excited. Last but never the least, shot out the two Seekers of the teams - Harry Potter and an Asian girl with a small frame, flew out from each of their houses' entrances.

They both flew down right beside their team leaders and everyone steadied their brooms. The two teams lined up opposite each other and the leaders shook hands, in a certain friendly but unfriendly way.

Harry took a glance at his rival, forgetting Oliver's words before the match "Get your eyes off your enemy today."

He stared and almost dropped his jaw. The girl before him had the straightest long pitch-black hair tied up in a single pony tail, which was flaring in the wind gently. She had those perfect almond-shaped eyes which shined a certain kind of oak brown sending crazy waves into Harry's mind. And her mischievous grin made him forget to blink. He couldn't think of words to describe her, except, 'god damn gorgeous'.

"Cho Chang," the girl introduced herself with that grin, extending her hand to Harry.

Harry took her petite hand and nodded, forgetting to introduce himself. He didn't realize he was blushing.

Oliver, frowning slightly, punched Harry's shoulder and brought him back to reality, "told you not to look," he muttered.

"Ready? Steady! Go!!" Professor Hooch shouted.

"The sliver whistle was blown! Both teams rose into the air!! There goes Alicia Spinnet, racing for the Quaffle! Uh-oh, here comes a crazy Bludger, can she get out of the way? There she goes! Twist and a turn she avoided it and passed the Quaffle to Angeli- Oh no! Elvin from Ravenclaw cut in! He's got it! Now racing back to the Gryffindor goal, there goes the Quaffle! And Oliver --- Yes, he got it!" Lee Jordan announced excitedly in his usual defending-Gryffindor way.

"Then there goes lovely Katie Bell, as fast as lightening. She trained her speed a lot during the summer. Yes, that's what she said! And it seems the training had done some good! There she goes! Up, down, up, down! She's twisting fast, there's two Bludger on her trail, and another Ravenclaw Chaser, Janet is coming straight towards her! Is she going to make it? Gryffindors pray for your souls! Come on, Katie!!!!! 'Ping!' YES!! She goaled!! Ten points for Gryffindor!!!"

The red crowd cheered and the blues groaned. Gryffindor was taking lead! Above the whole game, Harry was twirling somersaults in excitement in the air. This was the advantage to be a seeker; you can play the game and be the audience in the same time. Suddenly, a rushing wind blew right from behind. A black shadow was steadying her broom behind him. Harry turned around facing Cho; he felt like falling off his broom when she grinned at him again. He tried to swipe the crazy thought forming in his mind, sweating not only because the sun was high, but also because of her presence.

"No Harry, you're in the middle of the game! And what more, did you forget you're in love with Hermione? Still?!" he repeatedly told himself, "You don't have a crush on Cho."

Suddenly Harry saw a glint of gold shining in the middle of the grounds, THE SNITCH!! Forgetting Cho and his emotional problems, he raced for the golden ball hovering right above Katie's head. Suddenly, a Bludger fly past right in front of him and a Ravenclaw Beater sped pass following too. Harry halted with surprise just in time to avoid the crash. He lost sight of the snitch. As he halted, Cho, who was following him close, almost bumped her broomstick into his back.

"Sorry! I didn't mean..." Harry began apologizing to the surprised Asian girl.

"Harry! Stop being a gentleman!! Hit her off her broom if you have to!" Oliver shouted from the goal post, looking furious.

Harry blushed and nodded once towards Oliver. Although he didn't support the idea of flinging Cho off her broom, he still found her annoyingly close to him as he flew around searching for the Snitch. He knew this kind of playing from another player, who he despised. Draco Malfoy acted the same way when they were rivaling in a Quidditch match.

"Harry, right now, she is your enemy!" Harry repeatedly convinced himself, "the only thing you should think is to find the snitch!"

Suddenly, almost as if without thinking at all, he headed straight up into the sky. He rose from his original position, ten feet, twenty feet, thirty feet... He flew up and up and up...He needed a better view of the match. When he turned sideways to avoid a Bludger heading for him, just as he expected, he saw Cho Chang speeding up behind him. He looked around quickly; his emerald eyes hunting for his prey -- the Snitch. A ray of sunlight reflected something gold. He wanted to go for it, but Cho suddenly blocked his view as she hovered right in front of him. The golden glint disappeared again. Harry got frustrated.

"If she wants to play tailing, then here we go," Harry secretly thought, "Hope you won't get injured."

Concentrating on one point of the ground, SWOOSH!! He headed downwards at top speed, head first. Cho, as he expected, followed. She thought Harry saw the Snitch and followed so close that they almost crashed each other. Just right before they both crashed into the grass ground, Harry pulled his broom upwards. With his sharp eyes he searched for the winning key.

In his ears rang Lee Jordan's voice, "50 - 70!! Gryffindor is losing..,"

There it was! Slowly circling the Ravenclaw Keeper almost lazily, was the golden Snitch. Harry didn't wait a second, with Cho almost crashing into the soft grass he sped towards the Snitch. Cho, realizing he was not bluffing this time, pulled her broom up and changed direction quickly...not as quick as Harry. "--- Harry Potter got the Snitch! Harry Potter got 150 points for Gryffindor! 200 - 80, Gryffindor won!!" Lee Jordan's cheerful voice boomed out loud.

"We won!!" Hermione screamed, hugging Parvati tightly in her arms.

"And who's gonna hug me!?" Ron grunted and frowned at the two girls, joking.

The girls giggled and each gave Ron a big hug (with Parvati giving a peck on his cheek). With that, they ran down the stairs of the stand they were in and went to embrace the Gryffindor team with the others.


"Harry, you were magical!" Hermione praised as she walked along with the Gryffindor team towards the changing room.

"Thanks," Harry replied with a sheepish grin.

"Oh...but that Ravenclaw Seeker was so..." Parvati was stuck for words, "I dunno how to say it but, I didn't like her."

"I thought she was pretty," Ron commented dreamily.

Parvati nudged him hard.

As they turned the corner, Harry came face to face with the Ravenclaw Seeker.

They both stopped and stared at each other for an awkward second. Cho broke the silence, "that was a great feint, Harry."

Harry blushed, surprised of her praise. Never a rival player had praised him.

"I really thought you saw the Snitch," she continued with a grin.

"And..." she said as she massaged her neck pretending to hurt, "you almost broke my neck."

They all laughed.

Cho went pass them and headed towards the Ravenclaw changing room.

"Well..." Parvati said to herself, "I guess she isn't that bad."

The three didn't notice that Harry turned back; just to take a last glance at the black-haired beauty, wondering if he had a crush on her. All the team boys and girls took a quick shower before lunch. Ron and Parvati went off to have lunch first because Ron was starving and Parvati had work to do after eating. Hermione waited for Oliver. After everyone had finished and left, Oliver was the last to come out, rubbing his wet brown hair with a red towel.

"Oh, you waited..." Oliver said to Hermione, surprised that she was leaning on the wall waiting for him outside the shower room.

"Yeah," Hermione replied with a smile, "we haven't talked for a while, you know."

Oliver smiled and gave a gentle push right behind her waist, gesturing to leave the changing room.

They were talking usual things when Oliver suddenly stopped at the end of the great stair case in the Great Hall.

Hermione made a questioning look -- aren't we going to the Dining Hall?

"Hey, I'm going back to my room for lunch. Got my guys waiting," Oliver explained.

"Oh?" Hermione exclaimed, understanding the reason why he stood there, "you mind if I join?"

Oliver stared at her, and then looked up the stairs for a moment.

"Okay," he said at last.

Hermione was so happy; she had always wondered how he ate lunch in his room with his friends. Now, she can resolve the puzzle. "Heyo, Oliver the Quidditch winner!" Ray shouted happily, welcoming him in to the room, "you heard about the Weasly twins' party tonight?"

Oliver walked in and answered, "Sure, can't wait."

Hermione stepped in meekly.

"Oh..."a blonde guy with red streaks between the gold gasped, "so the Gryffindors mighty-o Keeper brought his girlfriend for lunch!"

Oliver just gave a smirk and replied, "shut up"

Hermione blushed and looked around the room; it was totally different from what it was usually like. All the four-post beds were gone, and in their place, were a number of desks adding to the five desks that were already in the room before.

"After eating, we just take a desk and a chair and start studying. It saves a lot of time, you know," Oliver explained why they ate in their bedroom.

Leaving Hermione at a desk with two chairs, he went to ask Ray for two lunch boxes.

"And we can take more space than in the library or the study room 'cause this place is ours. We can ask anything to each other if we needed help. There's no need to keep quiet like in the library," the blonde who spoke before explained more to Hermione. Hermione nodded with agreement. It was a good place to study if you needed help. (Though in HER situation, it was better to study on her own rather than having Harry and Ron asking her questions)

"Where are these from?" Hermione asked pointing at the two delicious- looking lunch boxes Oliver brought to their desk.

"We had the Weasly twins helping us to ask the kitchens to make these. It's delivered here right before lunch-time," Oliver replied with a grin.

"Though we had to strike a bargain with the twins for these," Ray Whites said with a sigh, "it's a bit costly with the helping fee for them, but it's worth it."

All the guys agreed. Davis Landon added to Hermione that the reason all the beds were gone was because it would give them no excuse to take an afternoon nap after lunch.

Hermione laughed at this, and then started eating her food, looking around the room again to see if there was something else curious. There were more chairs than desks; she guessed this was because there would be other people like her coming here not for studying, but just to have lunch with the seventh year boys. She was right. Minutes later, a group of girls and boys came in just to take a handy lunch. Angelina came too, to find Ray Whites of course. She looked surprised to see Hermione.

"Seems you're going quite well with Oliver," Angelina whispered into Hermione's ear with a giggle as she sat down behind her.

Hermione gave her a toothy smile.

It was a happy afternoon with Oliver, talking away as they ate. After lunch when almost all of the handy-lunch people had left, Hermione stayed and actually helped Oliver with some of his Aeromancy (a subject only Seventh years took), surprising everyone and getting applause from them.

She wished these happy times would continue on, but reality wasn't how she expected to be.


The next two months, November and December, all the seventh years were studying like hell. The test they were going to take was named just the right way. It was NASTINGLY EXHAUSTING. Those every other day over-time lessons were added to everyday, then it was even added up to every afternoon and evening near Christmas. It was obvious that all the seventh years were frustrated with studying; they almost took no rest time for themselves. It seemed like a minute of rest was already a waste of time.

Sometimes, it even freaked Hermione out how the seventh years worked: flipping books until they are tattered, waving wands until their arms ached, and muttering history under their breath between each bite of food and biting their pencils and nails when facing difficulties. They were even hard-working than Hermione was (if that was possible). She wondered if she would go insane when she would be a seventh year. And she missed Oliver. She hadn't had a real face to face talk with him for weeks. Even Christmas was put aside by the examinees.

Hermione was getting lonely as the months went by without Oliver once again. She had her friends with her, but as we all know, Ron and Parvati had their own world while Harry... even though Hermione loved him as a friend it was still an embarrassing relationship between them since Hermione could still feel Harry's love for her. He treated her better than Oliver, like listening to her when she had problems, that sometimes Hermione felt his attraction, men's attraction. She always swiped the thought away quickly.

"Oliver can't be beside me only because he's busy," she convinced herself.

Not realizing what she's going to face next, Hermione just trusted him. She didn't know how depressed she was going to be, for what Oliver was going to say to her. It was just another noontime as Hermione walked down the dormitory stairs to the common room. She and Parvati were chatting away when she bumped into someone - Ray Whites.

"Hey, Hermione and Parvati," Ray greeted them cheerfully.

The girls greeted him with smiles.

Hermione stared at his armful of lunch boxes.

"Oh, you wanna eat with us again?" Ray asked, actually inviting her.

"Um..." Hermione's voice trailed away.

She wanted to, but she was going to eat with Parvati, Ron and Harry. She wondered if Parvati and the boys would mind.

Parvati just grinned at her, agreeing, "Go ahead, you've got only two months left to see him at school."

Hermione grinned to her friend, grateful of her understanding


"See who I've brought!" Ray said to Oliver.

There was no one else but Oliver and Angelina in the room yet. Oliver looked up with only his eyes from his papers of calculation. Then looked down again, not even turning his head up.

He gave a groan as a reply.

"He's busy calculating Arithmancy," Ray sighed and said to Hermione.

Feeling uncomfortable, she sat down beside him and watched him calculating.

Not long later, a mob walked in, screaming and laughing as they did so. The chattering was annoying, Hermione guessed, because Oliver stopped his calculations and stacked the pile of papers up. He turned to look at her for the first time that day. Hermione was getting uneasy; she saw the shadow of a cold man in his pupils.

"No..." her mind said.

"Can you come out?" Oliver asked her. Standing up, he walked over to the door.

Hermione stood up in a hurry and followed him out, wondering what he was going to say.

"What's the matter? I can't stay and have lunch with you?" Hermione asked, confused.

"I'm sorry, Hermione," Oliver started, "I'm sort of busy lately...I don't really have time for you."

Hermione heard him using present tense. It gave a bad signal to her. Oliver sounded a bit annoyed of her existence. Or was it her imaginations?

"Maybe not today..." Oliver sighed at last.

"Okay..." Hermione replied after a long while. Inside she was struggling to shout out.

Oliver bid her goodbye as he went back inside. Hermione felt like hurting herself badly.

I just wanted to be with you,

I didn't mean to disturb you.

Am I asking for too much?

When it's only a LUNCH?


Hermione?" gasped Harry in surprise as the brown-haired girl stormed into the common room from her dormitory when Harry walked into the common room.

"How was lunch?" Ron asked in curiosity, pulling off his sweater and folding it.

They were just back from the Dining Hall.

"Nothing big," Hermione grumbled, flipping onto a couch, folding her legs in front of her.

She had returned to her room without eating after her conversation with Oliver. She had lost her appetite anyway. None of her friends were satisfied with her answer, but they didn't ask more...at lease, for now.

Ron sighed and crouched in front of a drawer beside the couch Hermione was sitting on. He pulled it open and took out a chess board. Parvati took off her cloak and folded it carefully as she sat in front of a coffee table. Harry took a random book from the common bookshelf and sat down beside Hermione, pretending to read. Within a quarter of an hour, Ron and Parvati were in a big chess fight.

Hermione was drifting into her world of thoughts when she suddenly came back from her trance, noticing that Ron and Parvati weren't acting like always. They were not being noble and nice to each other like before, actually they were calling each other mild names as they played. Ron was especially frustrated and was almost shouting at his girlfriend as he lost another Knight to her. Hermione widen her eyes and turned to stare into Harry's beautiful emerald eyes. She couldn't help realizing they had a cute twinkle in it, her cheek muscles loosened.

"NO. Hermione, stop that thought," she told herself, mentally slapping herself. "Anything weird happened recently?" Hermione questioned to Harry, trying to be poker faced.

Harry scratched his head and replied with a frown, "Well, since we had Divination classes, their relationship became tense..."

"Oh..." Hermione gasped.

That explained it. Ron hated Divination; he was no good in it. Yet neither were Harry or even Hermione. Never could they see a thing meaningful in turning a tea cup wondering the shape of the pile of tea leaves in it to see the future. Hermione, especially, considered it rubbish; it was never her area anyway.

But Parvati was different, she loved Divination. Professor Trelawney, the Divination professor, adored her as a student having the aura of a visionary. This caused several conflicts between the couple, since Ron was extremely stubborn with his idea and won't accept other views easily.

"Do conflicts come together..." Hermione sighed.

"You had conflicts with him?" Harry asked, wanting her to tell him what happened to make her mad.

Hermione clasped her mouth with her hand, realizing she'd said it out. Then she nodded slightly.

While Ron and Parvati were starting a boiling cold war right before her nose, Hermione had finished explaining, telling Harry that she was sorrowful that Oliver didn't really care how she thought even though she understands that he needed to study. Harry felt a great urge to tell her to leave that selfish brat, but it just didn't come out of his throat. He could see Hermione still loved him. Anyway, he didn't really capture the moment to say to her because Ron and Parvati started a real fight suddenly.

The afternoon ended with Harry and Hermione stopping their best friends from scratching and hitting each other's face. Harry felt very exhausted. He wondered what to do about Hermione. He really thought that she should leave Oliver, now. Hermione was thinking the same thing as she went to the library to do her Arithmancy homework on her own after supper. She walked into the library to find no one but Draco Malfoy lying comfortably on a couch, reading a thick black book. He didn't see her, yet. Waving her head, she thought how unlucky she was to see someone she wouldn't want to see when she was in a bad mood. Walking as quietly as she can, wanting a little time for herself before Malfoy disturbs her, she chose a seat far away from the couch and spread everything over the empty desk, starting to calculate.

She was surprised Malfoy didn't seem to know she was there. Well...there was nothing bad with that was there? She drifted into thoughts eventually as she stopped scribing notes to think of her calculation.

"Should I leave him? Oliver is really upsetting me...why am I accepting the pain? He isn't the only guy around, why should I stay for him? He doesn't seem to need me... Why in the world I don't just let it be?" that was what she thought rationally.

Emotional Hermione Granger was replying each question with "no", "because you love him", "because you love him" and "because you love him".

"It's because you love him. Huh?" Malfoy's husky voice suddenly boomed in her thoughts, almost causing her to yelp.

"Malfoy!" she hissed silently, turning around to face him, with a frown on her face and her lips slightly apart.

"You..." Hermione started to say something on her mind to him, but Malfoy stopped her by putting a finger on her lips. Hermione went silent, widening her eyes. He slid that finger down her chin and left her skin gently, guiding it to her notes on the desk. Hermione felt scared for a second that Malfoy would do something sexual again, but her eyes followed his fingers and gasped at what she had written on her notes in her dream.

Clearly, she had written, "Because I love him" on her neatly written calculation. Her rosy cheeks went scarlet.

"Better be careful not to write something that sweet in your homework again, Granger," Malfoy mocked with his trademark smirk, "something happened between you and Woodstock?"

Hermione glared at him and hissed "none of your business."

"You know...I've always thought that it'd be better you leave Wood and date out with Potter... you two are the perfect pair," Malfoy commented in a solemn expression.

Hermione gapped with surprise, flicking her long eyelashes not knowing what to say.

Draco flicked his eyelashes back, looking serious. Yet his wand was wavering playfully in his hand.

After a while, he added meanly, "both with mudblood in their veins."

Hermione shot up and slammed her Arithmancy book hard on the desk in fury, causing Miss Pince, the Librarian, to scowl. Malfoy, smirking and with his nose high up in the air, backed towards the library door. "Of course, if Potty doesn't like pure mudbloods, I wouldn't mind sleeping with one if you like," Malfoy laughed evilly, adding again, "one night the most."

Hermione stepped over wanting to slap him, her anger boiling furiously. How could he? Insulting her and her best friend! But Malfoy turned the corner and disappeared before she reached him, leaving a high pitched evil laugh with Hermione's anger.

Later on, Hermione realized that Malfoy had scribed a note on her homework. He must have had cast a spell with his wand when she wasn't paying attention.

It wrote, "I meant what I said when I said you should leave Wood. Take that suggestion or not, Mudblood. D. M."

Hermione crushed the parchment into a lump angrily, Malfoy's note, her "because I love him" and all her calculations with it. Things were getting more and more confusing. Though Malfoy's comment about her blood was mean, the words before that haunted her mind. Another few weeks passed by, with Oliver still being busy and Hermione herself almost equally as busy as she studied four more subjects than anyone else in the school. Harry was busy too; there were more trainings as the Quidditch match with Slytherin was getting close. His mind was still rolling with thoughts about Hermione, thinking how to help her.

One way was to talk out with Oliver, telling him how Hermione felt. But he and Oliver's relationship had gotten worse after he had confessed to Oliver that he loved Hermione. Unless it was about Quidditch, Oliver absolutely took no time talking to Harry. It was very clear Oliver didn't like him. The other way was to get Hermione away from Oliver, but it was very obvious it'll take the world to pull her away from who she loved.

"Stupid," he mumbled to himself, "why not think how depressed you are before how sad she is? How are you ever going to give up if you keep on thinking about her?"

There had been three matches all together by the beginning of February, and the air was getting tense as N.E.W.T.s and O.W.L.s and the last two Quidditch matches were getting close.

As for Hermione, she had decided to put the thought away. Whatever she's going to do now, Oliver would probably say no to any of her invitation for being alone together. However there were other duties she had to accomplish, one of them was studying hard and not to let down her teachers. She wasn't going to break her promise with Professor McGonagall for getting high grades this year. She spent most of her time with Harry and Ron, Parvati wasn't there. On the first Monday of February, Ron and Parvati had a big fight concerning Divination. Parvati was spending many of her time with Lavender and Timothy, two other Gryffindors, studying about Divination and asking Trelawney things. Ron didn't like that, and adding the fact she was always with another guy, even though Lavender was always there, he was mad. Parvati didn't get Ron to understand her, so she decided to leave him alone for a while to cool his temper down.

Let's get our view back to Hermione. From time to time, when Harry and Ron were beside her as she studied, she would take a peek at Harry. She didn't really know why, she just seemed to do it without thinking. Sometimes, the words Malfoy said to her came into her mind, "you two are the perfect pair."

"No," she'd tell herself.

But she would take another glance at him...after all he WAS good-looking. His once naturally messy black hair was now messed up in a nice way, the way boys would ruff their hair up with wax. The contour of his face was smooth and clear. His complex was slightly tanned out of long-term Quidditch training. And when from time to time, he took off his glass to rub his eyes and take a rest; she'd drop her jaw slightly as she sees his round beautiful emerald green eyes clearly. She was quite sure if Harry was a girl, his eyes would be his charm point. It was already his charm point when he was a boy.

"No," she'd remind herself again, "Harry is your friend only. He IS handsome, but you have an even better boyfriend."

She wasn't sure about the even better part. Sure, Oliver was handsome, but by and by, Harry would grow. He might turn out being better than him. She could talk to Harry normally, though Hermione would convince herself that it was because she wasn't aware of Harry as a man. Yet Harry was considerate than Oliver, a lot. "What's haunting you lately, Hermione?" Parvati asked her with concern as Hermione put on her light blue negligee one late February night in their dormitory.

"I dunno, Parvati; I had problems with Oliver... And I tried to forget it through studying hard. It did work a BIT, but the problem is I'm thinking a lot about Harry then," complained Hermione.

"Harry? Why is Harry in consideration?" Parvati asked, surprised.

Hermione didn't know what to say.

"You're attracted to him recently?" Parvati asked carefully.

Hermione sighed and replied, "I dunno, Parvati. I dunno. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not."

"Well, if you are... I would be glad to see you with him," Parvati commented.

"But Parvati, he's my friend! Only a bosom friend..." Hermione said, almost bursting into tears.

"Its okay, Hermione, its okay," she went over to hug Hermione and comforted her, "maybe you are, maybe not. Whatever, just be true to your instincts."

Hermione nodded.

Then suddenly realizing something, she looked up and asked Parvati, "How are you and Ron? You two weren't being with each other as much as before, even I haven't seen you for a while except here."

Parvati's face darkened, and then she just said, "He's so stubborn."

Late that night, she stayed up thinking about Harry, flipping the diary Harry gave her on last year's birthday and reading what she wrote. She had written quite a lot now; half of it was filled up with things that happened since last May. She sighed; thinking how caring was Harry to buy her this diary to arrange her thoughts. From an objective view, he was a lot better than Oliver.

"HARRY! Why?" she'd ask again.

Putting her diary away carefully, she forced herself to sleep. True to her instincts, could she do it? Hermione woke up feeling weary next morning; she hadn't taken much sleep thinking too much about her love life.

"Stop it, think of Potions, think of Transfigurations but not Harr...no, love," she would tell herself. But it was impossible.

When she entered the common room, she came face to face with Harry. He was sitting on a couch facing Ron who had his back towards the stairs. Harry was wearing a green vest over a crisp navy blue and white checked shirt, with just plain blue jeans. He looked freshly born from a spring morning. Hermione stared for a second, and waved her head, no. But when Harry stood up from the couch, and greeted her good morning, Hermione simply dropped her guard. He was attractive, she had to admit it.

After breakfast, and realizing her heartbeat not slowing down since that morning, Hermione decided to tell Harry how she was feeling. It was driving her mad.

"Harry," Hermione called as they walked down the stairs to the dungeons for double Potions lessons.

"Yeah?" Harry answered, turning around.

"?" Hermione said quickly.

"What did you say?" Harry asked, not capturing a word.

"I said..." Hermione gulped for breathe and slowing down her speed, "Can I have a minute with you after lunch?"

"...Sure," Harry replied awkwardly. He wondered what Hermione was going to tell him, she was looking flushed.

"Harry, I think I like you," Hermione said, once they slammed themselves into an empty classroom after lunch.

Harry widened his eyes and dropped his jaw, "Hermione..."

He knew what Hermione meant, she meant the kind of 'like' not for just a friend. Hermione was trembling.

"So...you want us being together?" Harry asked.

Hermione didn't nod, instead, "I dunno Harry...I don't want to be with Oliver anymore, I feel totally stressed with the way he acts. I want to leave him. But, I don't want to affect his exams..."

"Affect..?" Harry asked, puzzled.

"You know, you feel really unstable while you're preparing for exams...Oliver is going to face N.E.W.T.s next month..."

"This month, Hermione," Harry corrected her, "it's March already today."

Hermione nodded and continued, "I don't want anything to affect him...not even me."

"Since that's what he doesn't want," Hermione thought to herself.

"I don't understand that unstableness..." Harry replied.

Hermione didn't know how to explain anymore. She looked up at him and looked into his eyes...Maybe it was wrong of her to say something like this to him, she started to regret.

"Though I know you know that 'unstableness' the most," said he with a grin.

Hermione bit her lower lip.

Harry nodded, understanding her, "I won't mind, so long you stay by me."

Hermione blushed crazily; she realized she was asking for something unbelievably immoral. She is not going to tell her boyfriend and date out with another boy. Where was her policy? Had she forgotten what Oliver did to her? But Oliver had no right to blame her.

"Hell to policies," she said to herself.

She was going to be happy with Harry, he was a perfect guy. "Have you heard?" someone was whispering in the Gryffindor common room, "Harry Potter and Hermione Granger are dating out!"

"What? Wasn't she dating out the Keeper of our house?"

"Well, that's what I've heard," the first Gryffindor replied.

"I guess they're just friends, aren't they?"

"I thought it was Harry who had a crush on her?"

"I heard the bookworm had broken up with the Keeper."

"Wasn't Potter having a crush on Cho Chang?!"

One day had passed by only; rumors were already going around in the common room. Hermione and Harry were trying to keep calm as they heard what others said. The only ones who really knew about them were Ron and Parvati.

The four spend their past time together like before. Ron and Parvati had made up their relationship, not very surprisingly. Ron had accepted Parvati spending time with Lavender and Timothy (he was only caring about Timothy) to study about Divination in Trelawney's tower at last. He gave up being stubborn with his own idea when Parvati cried out saying that Ron was the one who wouldn't try to understand her. Now they were as sweet as pie. That made both Harry and Hermione relieved.

From morning to evening, Hermione spent time with Harry alone. There wasn't a big difference between how much time they were with each other. But how much time they spent for each other was different now.

When morning came, Harry would wait her at her door. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, they sat together and mostly only talked with each other. (Ron and Parvati had their own world) Before, Ron and Parvati would sit between Harry and Hermione; now they sat beside each other during every lesson and occasionally he'd take her hand under the table, holding each other's hands until they sweated. In the evenings, they'd sit together at the couch with Ron and Parvati beside and read together, or played chess or simply chatted together. When it was time for bed, Harry would take her up to her room and wouldn't leave until he heard her locking the dormitory door.

He was sweet and passionate, something which Hermione expected to be good. But to her surprise, after four days she was starting to feel that this was a load for her. His love was so great that Hermione felt like being crushed by it. She knew that comparatively Harry's love was greater than hers and it was normal that she would feel this way in this situation.

The feeling increased when Harry glared at a Gryffindor guy who was only talking to Hermione for a while privately. Harry didn't tell Hermione about his jealousy but she saw it and felt even worse. (The guy was just asking for hints to get good marks in Transfiguration) How were they going to be okay if he's being jealous every time she talks to a guy? She knew Harry had waited for this moment so long; it wasn't surprising how he acted. She tried to let that feeling be and hoped it'll just pass away. She told herself she can learn to love him...or guide him and not let him be over passionate. By and by, a whole week passed by, but that weighty feeling stayed on her heart. She didn't like it. Actually, she was starting to hate it. She even started to feel that she didn't want to be with Harry longer than half an hour. She felt guilty for the way she felt. How could she feel this way when SHE was the one who asked him to be with her? She tried to get the load off her heart and just be nice to Harry.

"You know...Hermione..." Harry said into her ear on night, "I feel that this is a dream...All your love... I'm scared to wake up from it finding you gone."

That stabbed her heart. She was feeling uncomfortable. She started to ask herself if she loved him from his standard. She thought she did. But if she really did, why was she feeling bad when he's so nice?

"Why am I still feeling hollow?" she asked herself. One evening, a few days before Oliver's departing of Hogwarts, Harry tried to kiss Hermione when they walked out of the Dining Hall alone after dinner. Hermione's body backed away naturally without her approval, causing her to blush and Harry to gap his mouth. They stood there a second staring at each other confused until Snape suddenly arrived and took Harry to his dungeons to clear up some undone homework, leaving Hermione alone.

"You're confused. Aren't you, Granger?" a male's voice came behind her as she walked towards the great stairs.

She turned around to face Draco Malfoy leaning on the marble wall with a superior expression on his face. "Malfoy," Hermione snapped, frowning at the blonde with all his hair slicked to the back of his head.

He must had stood there watching her and Harry missing the kiss.

"Not knowing if you should stay with Potty or go back to Woody? Am I right?" asked he with a smirk.

Why does this brat simply know so much about me? She thought.

She walked pass, ignoring him, and headed for the stairs. She didn't want to talk to him; it'll just make things worse.

"Do you really love Potter, Granger?" Malfoy questioned her as he stopped her at the steps.

"Let me go," Hermione spat, inside feeling very uncomfortable with his question.

"I dare say you don't, mudblood. You didn't leave Wood for Potter, he isn't that important to you, is he?" Malfoy had it.

Hermione flung his hand off her wrist and ran up the stairs.

"I said leave WOOD, not stick to POTTER, Granger," Malfoy shouted at her back.

Hermione hesitated but didn't turn back, kicking each marble stair with her heels all the way.

Malfoy waved his head left and right.

He sighed under his breathe, "Can't you simply separately understand a joke and what I'm seriously saying?" "Dear Harry,

This is a letter I do not really want to write. I want you to know how much I love you..."

"No, no! This isn't it!" Hermione shouted with rage, squashing the parchment into a lump and throwing it aside. There were already some more lumps of parchment there. She hadn't yet made up her mind, but she knew as she wrote, her mind would be made up eventually. She started again on a new piece of parchment:

"Dear Harry,

You know very well even though I might be good at getting good marks in exams, but I'm not a person who could speak straight when I am strained. I want to be very honest with you, but I'm scared if I spoke to you face to face I will stutter and couldn't tell you what I am really thinking. So here I'm writing my true feelings in this letter.

I feel really delighted for your understanding and forgiving me to not to leave Oliver before being with you, Harry. You are nice and caring and wise. Being with you makes me feel natural and I wouldn't go quiet just because you spoke to me. But that was when we were bosom friends. Right now, I still feel your attraction but I do not know why I also feel a load on my shoulders when I am with you.

I've realized in these few days that your love is greater than mine and that mine was near to 'love of a friend' more than your 'love'. I thought I could make it grow into 'love'; I tried to grow to love you. But my 'love' hadn't really grown that way since that day I've confessed to you. Now I know that love can't be grown when I want it to. It has to grow on its own, I couldn't control it myself. I feel stupid for not realizing that in the first place.

Hermione almost dropped a tear on the parchment. She realized that Malfoy was right, how could she be so dumb? It is not that I do not like you anymore, I cherish your company and you are a great friend to me. But when we're being with each other night and day, I feel that I have no space to breathe normally. The stress is too great; I couldn't be with you as a lover anymore. It isn't right, I know. I was the one who asked to start a further relationship, now I'm the one to ask for a break up. I know it isn't logic. But I feel that it'd be better if we were just best friends. I'm scared that if we go on as lovers, one day I would do the same thing as now and hurt you even more.

I feel really sorry Harry. I have done something evil that I am not deserved to be forgiven -- hurting your feelings. I love you very much, Harry. But it wasn't the love I wanted it to be. Do not say you would forgive me; my guilt is not worth your forgiveness. I would really want to be your friend, still. But I'm afraid you wouldn't accept it. Once again, I am truly sorry.

Love,

Hermione G.


Baby won't you tell me why there is sadness in your eyes
I don't wanna say goodbye to you

Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head

You're the one who set it up now you're the one to make it stop
I'm the one who's feeling lost right now

Now you want me to forget every little thing you said
But there is something left in my head

I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feeling so strong were lasting for so long
But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away I know

You were never satisfied no matter how I tried
Now you wanna say goodbye to me

Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
but there is something left in my head

I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feeling so strong were lasting for so long
But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away I know

Sitting here all alone in the middle of nowhere
Don't know which way to go
There ain't so much to say now between us
There ain't so much for you
There ain't so much for me anymore

I won't forget the way you're kissing
The feeling so strong were lasting for so long
But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away I know

That's why you go away I know


Harry felt like being crushed by a bulldozer, or being thrown off the cliff by someone he trusted, or getting stabbed in the heart...there were nothing graphic enough to explain his pain. He dropped tears onto Hermione's handwriting and wished it was a bad dream.

He tried to get Hermione back to him. But Hermione didn't even want to talk to him. Every time he tried to speak to her, she was either not looking this way or was avoiding his eyes. Harry felt squashed.

"We can't? Really?" Harry scribed a note to Hermione during their History lesson.

Hermione read it and waved her head sadly, avoiding his eyes again.

Harry wanted her to at lease speak to him. Was he going to lose a girlfriend and in the same time losing a friend? Someone who cared for him? Hermione had hurt him; as she had said herself he wasn't going to forgive her easily. But he didn't want to lose her... at lease not as a friend. She was the few who he cared and who cared of his feelings but not his reputation. Right after summer, even knowing that Oliver wasn't going to like it, she didn't leave him when Oliver asked her why she was so close to Harry when she knew Harry loved her. She told Oliver right before his eyes that she cared for Harry no matter if he had further feelings for her or not. Even though he knew that Hermione cared more about Oliver than him, Hermione was the one who knew him most. Her existence was important to him.

"Hermione, why are you avoiding me?" Harry got to catch her at last two days later.

Hermione didn't look at him straight. Staring at the floor she could only exclaim, "Harry, I couldn't possibly start saying 'Hi, Harry! How's today?' like before after what I've done, could I? I couldn't possibly turn around smiling again as if nothing happened when I did this, could I? I'm thick, but not as that!"

"Yes, you're a thickhead," Harry stated.

Hermione turned to look at him at last, her eyes swollen with crying during the night.

"But I can't accept you leaving like this. I can't accept you saying that we can't be friends anymore," Harry said to her firmly.

Hermione closed her eyes and looked down, her lips tight. Harry waited for a response patiently.

"I need time, Harry," Hermione responded at last, "I need time."