Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews you sent me! I appreciate each and everyone very much, and it's a great encouragement to get such nice feedback. Many thanks to my beta reader Sentrosi!!!
In the beginning, someone asked to see Darth Hinkypunk, and so I gave him one line in this chapter ;-)
Warning: This chapter contains some swearing again.
Chapter 12
Secrets
Two weeks later, Gryffindor had their second Quidditch match of the term. It was against Slytherin and therefore it was extra important. It had rained the whole week but today the weather was dry and windless. Perfect conditions - aside from the slippery grass. Yes, Quidditch was a game which took place in the air but Sirius said that James (when he had still been the captain of Gryffindor team) had always placed importance in even the smallest details, like the grass's condition because you had to keep special attention to it when you kicked off the ground.
Remus did not know much about Quidditch but the basic rules, and he had never been particularly interested in it but he cheered along with the other Gryffindors in the stands. He liked the cheerful mood and the feeling of togetherness. But he had to admit that he was a bit worried for Sirius. As a Beater, he was in constant nearness to the Bludgers. And those things could be really vicious. One Slytherin Chaser (a relative of Sirius's considering the insistence with which Sirius drove the Bludgers towards her) had already had to get replaced because of a broken arm. Besides, Sirius seemed to be more interested in attacking the Slytherins with the Bludgers than in defending his team - and himself - from the Bludgers. His current victim was the Slytherin Seeker: Sirius's younger brother Regulus. It really had the air of a family fight and not of a tactical move.
But in the end, Sirius's technique proved to be successful. Too distracted by saving himself from the Bludgers, Regulus did not notice the Snitch in time and the Gryffindor Seeker had gotten a free chance to catch the snitch. Cheers erupted from the Gryffindor fans and they all jumped up like one person. After their defeat in the first match against Hufflepuff, the chances of winning the Quidditch Cup were brighter now.
Remus and Peter followed the mass of excited Gryffindors to congratulate the victorious players. They waited until the throng of people, which had formed around the team, had dissolved.
"That was brilliant, mate!" Peter said and enthusiastically shook the hand of a beaming Sirius.
"Yes, good match," Remus added and gave Sirius a brief hug.
"Thanks," Sirius said. "See you in the common room."
Remus and Peter moved on to congratulate the other players too while Sirius went for the changing rooms.
This evening, all the Gryffindors celebrated a great party in their common room. Someone had brought butterbeer and there was even one bottle of Firewhiskey which was being passed around. Someone had put on a record from Darth Hinkypunk (it was not exceptionally good music - it was simply loud - but Darth Hinkypunk was what you had to listen to nowadays, as Sirius had once explained to Remus). Some people were singing along with it with negligible success, others played the Bertie-Bott's-Every-Flavour-Beans-As-Much-As-You-Can-Eat-Without-Vomitting-Game (you told each other which bean to eat, and the one who could not bring oneself to eat on anymore lost). Remus was sitting on a window sill opposite a girl from first year who had asked his advice on an essay about banshees she had to write for Defence Against the Dark Arts but meanwhile she had moved on to telling him all about her crazy owls (she had three owls but students were allowed to bring only one pet to Hogwarts, and now the owls were missing each other and rebelling and so on).
From time to time, Remus would look up and exchange a glance with Sirius, who was right in the middle of the festivities and obviously enjoyed it. Every time Sirius winked at him, Remus had this fluttering feeling in his stomach that made his toes curl and his cheeks turn red as if he had just now realised he had a crush on Sirius. Then again, so much had changed since the first days of their relationship. Earlier, Remus had sometimes worried that Sirius might flirt with someone else as soon as Remus turned his back on him. Today, it did not make him feel uneasy in the slightest to see Sirius talk animatedly to the Gryffindor Keeper, a very attractive girl from fifth year. With this confidence, Remus listened to the owl-problems of the young girl, offered his advice and even talked a bit of himself and why he did not really like owls anymore after cleaning the Owlery. Then she decided to take part in a round of Bertie-Bott's-Every-Flavour-Beans-As-Much-As-You-Can-Eat-Without-Vomitting. Remus wished her good luck and stayed sitting on the window sill and watching.
"Hey."
Sirius's soft voice so close to his ear made him startle. "Whoa, I didn't see you coming."
"What were you daydreaming about?" Sirius asked, moving around to stand in front of Remus, and leant forwards suggestively, causing his long black hair to fall in his eyes.
"Owl droppings."
Sirius snorted. "Sweet. And I always thought you were the romantic one."
Grinning, Remus affectionately tucked Sirius's hair aside so he could at least see his eyes. "Not today."
"Hm, that's a pity. Because I was just about to ask you to come upstairs into our dormitory. Everyone else's still celebrating, we could have a bit of time alone in peace."
"Don't you want to celebrate too?"
"I'd rather be alone with you."
"I can hardly say no to that, can I?" Smiling, Remus slid down from the window sill and followed Sirius into their dormitory. When he closed the door behind them, everything was suddenly eerily silent compared to the noise in the common room. Darth Hinkypunk's music and the loud voices were muffled now and were just background sounds.
"Bloody hell, I'm sweating," Sirius said, pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it carelessly aside.
When Remus's eyes rested on Sirius's naked chest, his heartbeat sped up. Of course, he had seen Sirius's naked upper body before. That was unavoidable if you lived in the same dormitory. But the way Sirius moved tonight when he sat down next to Remus on his bed made his intentions of bringing Remus up here pretty obvious. They had definitely never been so close before when Sirius had been half-naked. Remus gulped and tried to keep his gaze on Sirius's face. Relax, he told himself, just relax and everything will be fine.
"I just hope you didn't have a rotten-egg-bean in that stupid game," he said the first thing that came to his mind, in order to say just anything. It was really silly and not funny at all but Sirius laughed nonetheless, for which Remus was really grateful.
"Don't worry," Sirius murmured, his face moving closer towards Remus's. "I haven't taken part in that game since I had to eat a honey-flavoured bean in third year."
"What's so bad about honey?" Remus whispered hoarsely, intensely aware of the heat of Sirius's body so close to him.
"I really hate it," Sirius said huskily, placing a hand under Remus's chin and moving his face still closer until Remus could feel every breath of Sirius's on his nose and cheeks. "It's so disgustingly sweet... And it got in my hair once and everything got sticky and tangled."
"That's because your hair is too long," Remus breathed, and then their lips touched.
Before Remus knew what was happening, he found himself on the bed on his back, with Sirius on top of him. Sirius, with his heated and naked upper body that weighed heavily down on him, with his experienced tongue that hungrily devoured Remus's mouth, with his talented hands that were roaming Remus's body.
Even if Remus's lips had not been occupied otherwise and even if he had had the strength to struggle against Sirius's weight on him - he would not have complained anyway because Sirius was now moving his hips in a way that rendered every conscious thought incoherent. Remus's hands started moving on their own accord, pulling the other boy closer needily for more contact, trailing up and down Sirius's back. The only thing he wanted to do was touch Sirius, touch, touch, touch that wonderfully naked chest, and his back, and his arms and lips and neck and hair and...
Remus gasped when Sirius kissed his way down his neck, his hips moving against Remus's all the time. Sirius's hands greedily fumbled with Remus's collar, looking for more naked skin to kiss.
"May I?" Sirius murmured breathlessly and, without waiting for an answer, started opening the buttons of Remus's shirt. Then he moved a bit aside for Remus to sit up and pulled the shirt over his head. When the cool air touched Remus's chest, his almost delirious mind was suddenly clear again. All at once he realised what they were doing - and he knew they must not do this. Not before Sirius knew that he was a werewolf. Sirius had a right to know. Remus had to tell him. Tell him now or stop.
He did not want to stop.
"Sirius," he panted, "Sirius, wait." He seized Sirius's hands, which had been just about to start caressing Remus's chest. "Wait a moment, please."
"Hm?" Sirius questioningly looked up at him. His hair was all tousled and his cheeks were flushed from the excitement and the heat.
Remus felt a thrill of joy and fear race through him. I'm going to tell him. Joy because he would not have to hide anymore. Fear because he did not know what Sirius's reaction would be like. He knew he would not be able to endure it if Sirius rejected him. I have to tell him. There's no way out of this anymore. I will tell him. Now.
"I... I need to tell you something," Remus whispered, staring down at their entwined fingers.
"Does it have to be now?" Sirius asked impatiently. "Can't it wait?"
"No. No, it cannot wait. There is something you need to know before we do this."
"Alright." Sirius sighed and put an arm around Remus's naked shoulders.
It felt so comforting, so safe, so good. It almost made Remus cry. I never want to lose this. Please, don't take your arm away when you know who I really am.
"Something important?" Sirius asked.
"Yes. Something very important."
-------
Sirius really hoped it was something very, very, very important which justified the interruption. And he hoped even more that Remus did not want to delay this again because he did not feel ready for it yet. Sirius definitely did feel ready for it and he had waited for this long enough. But naturally he would stop if Remus felt uncomfortable about this. He just hoped he did not have to stop. Because he wanted this so much - no, he needed it. Now.
"What is it?" Sirius asked when Remus still had not said anything but just kept his face buried in the curve of Sirius's neck.
"It's not easy to say, it is... complicated."
"Well, if you're going to tell me that you love me, you don't have to do it because I know."
Remus laughed a strange, high-pitched, nervous laugh. "No, it's a bit more complicated than that. I..." His voice cracked and his fingers dug deeper into Sirius's back. Was he afraid?
"Remus, what's wrong?" Sirius asked, slightly worried now. "Will you please tell me!"
"Just - just promise me you won't hate me," Remus said in a small voice.
"Bloody hell, Remus, I would never hate you! I love you!" Sirius tightened his embrace on Remus's slim shoulders. Suddenly, he was afraid too. What if there was something seriously wrong with Remus? What if he had - Sirius gulped - a terrible disease? A venereal disease and that was why they couldn't... Oh Merlin, no, please not. Please, anything but that! I couldn't take it if he was dying!
"Remus!" Almost panicking now, Sirius slightly shook Remus's shoulders. "What is it?"
His face still hidden against Sirius's shoulder, Remus finally said in a very quiet voice, "The thing is, I'm a werewolf."
"You're a -" And then Sirius just laughed. He laughed in relief because Remus was not dying and he did not have a terrible disease, and they could just continue now because there was nothing to worry about. He pulled Remus's face up and kissed him hard on the lips.
"Bloody hell, you shouldn't have done that," he said between the kisses. "You gave me such a shock. For a moment, I thought... Nevermind. But still, I don't think it was a justification to stop me." He thought that Remus was really in an odd mood today. It was really uncharacteristic of him to tell such stupid and irrelevant things between kisses. Normally, he just told Sirius how much he loved him and how happy he was and so on in such a situation. But this was really crazy. Why was he acting like that? If he wanted to have sex too, he should not stop Sirius. If he, however, did not want it, he could just tell him so.
Remus separated from their embrace and looked at Sirius with oddly shining eyes. "You don't mind?" he asked incredulously.
"Don't mind what?" Sirius said in confusion.
"Well, that I'm a... werewolf."
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Have you had Firewhiskey?" he asked suspiciously.
"No. Why...?"
"Just wondering. Because that's the silliest thing I've ever heard. Really, couldn't you at least have chosen to be a vampire?"
"I - what - ex-excuse me?" Remus stammered, completely flabbergasted.
"Yeah, a vampire. Would have suited you better than a werewolf," Sirius said, waving his hand impatiently. Did they really have to bother with something like this?! "You know, you are rather pale too and often you have dark circles around the eyes - just like vampires. And vampires are supposed to be all cunning and clever. But of course you should wear black clothes, long swirling cloaks and things, to look more vampire-like. And you're not really intimidating. And your teeth are too short."
"I know, I'm not a vampire. I'm a werewolf."
"Sure, and I'm a ghoul."
"Er, Sirius..." Remus trailed off and gave him a helpless glance. "I really am a werewolf."
"Oh, come off it, Remus." Sirius shook his head in exasperation. It really was the silliest thing he had ever heard. Remus a werewolf? Quiet, reserved, gentle, helpful, smart Remus a werewolf? The mere idea was ludicrous. It was like claiming that Snape was a Veela. "I'm sorry to say so but you're not very werewolfish," Sirius explained patiently. "You should have ripped your clothes and got yourself dirty before. Then you should have wildly jumped on me and scratched and licked me hungrily. You should have said in a growling voice something like 'Mmm, you're mine now'. Oh yes, and your eyes could have gleamed yellow, that would have been a cool effect."
"Sirius, this is not a joke," Remus said, imploringly seeking his gaze.
"Then what else is it supposed to mean?" Sirius demanded to know. Remus certainly was in an odd mood because there was no reason for him to be so insistent. The joke was over now, there was no reason to follow it any longer. "If there is something you want to tell me by that - I don't know, maybe some metaphor about love I have never heard of before - then please just do it directly. I'm really not in the mood for this now."
"This is not... argh." Remus rubbed his forehead in frustration.
He was really behaving strangely. Maybe someone had put something in his drink today? Maybe Snape or some other rotten Slytherin had wanted to drug him, and now Remus was having visions or hallucinations? If that was indeed the cause, Sirius swore to take the worst revenge he was capable of because they had ruined this perfect day.
"Maybe you should," Sirius began and put a hand forward but he never finished the gesture because Remus suddenly roughly rolled up the left leg of his trousers to reveal something...
"Here, look at this!" Remus said fiercely. "Does it look like a normal wound to you?"
Sirius stared at it in shock. It looked...revolting. Like a badly healed wound which had become infected. Like a fester. Very slowly, a feeling of dread settled in Sirius's stomach. It could not be. There was no possible way this could be...
"Well, that's it," Remus said darkly. "That's the wound from when I was bitten. The curse."
"It cannot be," Sirius muttered. "You... you never transformed!" he suddenly remembered. Ha! He had it. He had found the proof that Remus could not be a werewolf at all.
"Of course I did."
"But I never saw -"
"Well, of course you didn't see me transform. Did you really think I would transform here, in a dormitory with other people around?"
"Well, you would still have to transform, right?" Sirius said superiorly. "You couldn't simply ignore the full moon just because you're in a dormitory and there are other people around."
"Of course I wasn't here in the dormitory during the full moon."
"How strange, I never noticed your absence."
"But you did. I just never went to see my parents to tell them that I'm gay, I never was invited to my aunt's wedding, my mother wasn't ill, I didn't take part in a quiz on grindylows, I didn't -"
"Wait a moment," Sirius interrupted him. His brain was desperately trying to catch up with all that new information, was trying to make sense of everything. The horrible thing about it was: It did make perfect sense.
"You... You really are a werewolf," he said, too shocked by his own words to do anything.
"Wow, you got it really quickly," Remus said in a quiet and slightly sarcastic voice.
Sirius simply stared at Remus as if he had just seen him for the first time. Which was true, in a certain way. The Remus he had known so far - the quiet, reserved, gentle, helpful, smart Remus - did not exist. Had never existed. Instead, Sirius was currently sitting opposite a... WEREWOLF!
That was when finally his survival instincts kicked back in. His gaze darted to the calendar on the wall... which, unfortunately, only showed the month of September from two years ago.
"Full moon is in six days," Remus, having rightly guessed Sirius's intention, said quietly.
"When... What..." And suddenly the whole enormity of the situation crashed down on Sirius. "Get out of my bed, werewolf!" he shrieked, reaching wildly for his wand on the bedside table but he only managed to knock over a glass of pumpkin juice, which soaked a pile of books.
Remus jerked backwards at Sirius's words as if he had been hit. "This is my bed," he said hollowly.
"Get out of the bed anyway!" Sirius said harshly, desperately trying to remember his Defence Against the Dark Arts lessons on werewolves. "You have no right to be here!" he continued angrily, all reason forgotten. He could not remember the lessons on werewolves anyway. He knew he was defenceless and was in one room, even in one bed, with a werewolf. He knew he should be more careful because it was never clever to enrage a werewolf.
But he did not care.
Sirius Black had never been a reasonable person and now he was angry and hurt, and he did not care in the slightest if he endangered his own life. Glaring furiously at Remus, he said again, "Get out of here, I said!"
Very slowly, Remus moved backward and finally got out of the bed. Helplessly, he remained standing at the foot of the bed, gazing down at Sirius.
"I can explain," he said lamely.
"Explain?!" Sirius exploded. "What is there to explain? You betrayed me! I loved you and all the while I was thinking you loved me too but you were lying to me all along and I was just so stupid to ever think- ... and -" His voice cracked. "...and I hate you!"
"Sirius, please listen to me," Remus said in a small and shaking voice. "Please let me explain. I really loved you. I mean, I still do. I still love you and I would never lie to you about that -"
"Yeah, but you did!" Sirius snapped. "You lied to me and you used me and exploited me! Tell me, what did you plan to do to me? Bite me when you had me where you wanted me to be? Turn me into a monster?"
"No! No, Sirius, please believe me -"
"I will never believe you again!" Sirius shouted, beside himself with rage. "I was stupid enough to do so once but I certainly will never do it again, now that I know what you are!"
Remus just stood there, at a loss for words. Sirius stared at his white chest crisscrossed with scars and the slim, shaking shoulders. He felt like weeping and raging at the same time. How could he! How could Remus have done that to him?! Remus, who had always seemed so considerate, so sympathetic, who had always listened to him and comforted him... No, Remus was not like that, Sirius suddenly realised. What he had seen had just been a farce, a game, pretence. The werewolf was the only thing real in this whole game of betrayal. And, naturally, it made perfect sense. Because weren't werewolves supposed to be cunning and deceiving? Sirius felt like banging his head against the wall. He had been so stupid not to see it!
"I will report this to Dumbledore at once," he said in a commanding and threatening voice. "And you stay here. You will regret it if you try to do a runner. Dumbledore will find you, you can be sure of that."
"But he already knows," Remus said.
"Dumbledore allowed you to come to Hogwarts when he knew you were a werewolf?" Sirius gasped. "Is he mad?!"
"That's what many people think," Remus said bitterly, "and he had to go through a lot of trouble until I could finally come here."
"Ha, this won't work with me again!" Sirius said in savage triumph. "I know you're lying again. Dumbledore would never allow a werewolf in Hogwarts. He always says that the students' security is his priority. Well, and a werewolf wandering among innocent kids is not really something you usually call safe, is it?"
Remus sighed in frustration and ran a hand through his straggly hair. "Merlin, you really don't know anything about werewolves, do you? Have you ever heard of the Werewolf Registry? Well, it would be impossible to escape Professor Dumbledore's notice that I'm a werewolf. And everything is safe for the students. Professor Dumbledore arranged a place where I can go to during the full moon. The entrance to it is hidden and guarded, and it is perfectly safe."
"That's what you say, of course," Sirius scorned. "What about the rest of the month? Then we're not safe from you - and you already managed to seduce me."
"Seduce you?" Remus laughed a bitter, humourless laugh. "Oh for heaven's sake, just look at me." He spread his arms wide in a mocking gesture. "Do I look seducing in any way? Am I behaving seductively? Certainly not. If I remember correctly, it was you who had the idea to kiss under the mistletoe, it was you who brought me up here tonight."
The thought made Sirius go sick. He had kissed a werewolf. What if Remus had bitten him during the kiss? Just a light bite on the tongue and... Sirius felt ready to faint. And tonight... he had almost had sex with a werewolf. He had heard rumours of werewolves mating for life. What if Remus had marked him during the act and thus had bound Sirius to him forever, for the rest of his life?! All of it would have happened without Sirius having a clue what was going on. Suddenly, all of Remus's declarations on 'eternal love' got a whole new meaning altogether. Sirius shuddered at the mere idea of it.
"You...you..." In his fury, he was speechless. He struggled for words. He wanted to say something, wanted to hurt Remus as he had hurt Sirius, wanted to take revenge... "Yeah, you were really doing a bad job at seducing me," he finally spat. "I don't know what made me act the way I did but you... Sure, as a werewolf you've never been in any relationship before, have you? Naturally, who would have been stupid enough to want to be with you? Oh, it explains a whole lot, doesn't it? Why you have never kissed anyone before... And you know what? Your kisses are the worst I've ever got! I've never kissed anyone before who's such a lousy kisser as you!"
Remus's lips were trembling but his voice rose now too when he shot back at Sirius. "Yes, you're right, perfectly right: Why would anyone ever love a werewolf? I should have known..." His voice cracked but he continued nonetheless, not in the controlled, calm Remus-way but in a voice which was shaking with emotion. "Stupid of me to believe you could ever really love me! Because you never did! If you had really loved me, you wouldn't mind that I'm a werewolf!"
"Whoa, that's a bit gross, don't you think?!" Sirius shouted incredulously. "Blaming me for being disloyal and all when you were lying to me all the time! And now speaking of real love... The truth is, you don't know what love is! You have no idea! Why would you? All you know is what you've read in those ridiculous novels - oh yes, eternal love, I can't live without you, trusting each other - trust, haha, makes me want to laugh!" But Sirius did not laugh at all because it hurt too much to think that all the things Remus had told him had just been empty words. Angrily, he banged his fist on the mattress. "It's pathetic, really, that's what it is - what you are: pathetic!"
"Yeah, I guess I am!" Remus said between dry sobs. "I guess it was pathetic of me to believe in things like unconditional love. To believe in you. I thought you were different, you know? But it turns out you're just like everyone else. You see, obviously my aunt didn't invite me to her wedding - because I'm a werewolf. And by the way, the only reason I stayed at Hogwarts during the Christmas holidays was because my parents were invited to celebrate together with my grandparents and I was not invited - because I'm a werewolf."
Sirius choked back his angry tears. So Remus had not stayed at Hogwarts during the holidays to keep him company - he had just stayed because he had not had another choice.
"And I never had private tuition, obviously. I simply wasn't allowed to attend school - because I'm a werewolf!" Remus continued.
"You know what?" Sirius shouted back. "I was only five years old when I got honey in my hair - so it was not too long then!" It was totally beside the point but it was the only argument he could think of. It meant he had hidden something from Remus too. And then Sirius could not take it any more. He could not endure talking to... well, shouting at Remus because he knew he would start crying soon, and that werewolf was not worth his tears. He jumped out of the bed (Remus hastily moved aside to let him through) and stormed out of the dormitory, down the spiral staircase and through the common room, where the party was still going on. He did not care what any of his fellow Gryffindors would think upon seeing him, stripped to the waist and only in his socks, race through the common room. He brutally shoved the portrait of the Fat Lady aside, ran down another flight of stairs and another and another until he finally slowed down his pace. His heart still thumping furiously in his chest, he purposefully marched forward, ignoring the curious glances he attracted from the portraits. He knew where he needed to go now: Astronomy Tower.
And when he stepped into the open, and the cold wind blew into his face, he even felt a bit better. A tiny little bit. He lay down in his favourite position to gaze in the stars, trying to calm down his breathe. Mercilessly, memories of all the times he had spent up here with Remus were torturing his mind. Images came back... when they had used Remus's new telescope together to look for certain stars or a stellar constellation... together up here at this cold and lonely place...
Angrily, Sirius stood up again and leant against the rampart wall to look down. His gaze rested on his still shaking hands, pale white in the light of the half moon. But maybe they were only shaking because it was so cold. The rough night air felt like needles on his naked upper body and he decided to sit down again so the rampart walls protected him against the harsh wind. Shivering, he pulled his knees to his chest. It did not help in the slightest. But in an odd way Sirius wanted to get a cold, he wanted to be forced to stay in bed so everyone could see him suffering, see what they had done to him. With shaking hands, he fumbled in the pockets of his trousers, hoping to find any cigarettes there. And luckily there even was an old and squashed packet. Using his wand to ignite it, he sighed in relief and took a deep drag.
Why do you smoke?
Because it annoys my mother.
That's not a very good reason.
Why not?
It's not worth ruining your health just for it.
Growling in annoyance, Sirius threw away the cigarette, cursing lowly, "Fuck you, Remus. Fuck you, werewolf!" Almost in trance, he watched the little orange glimmer at the cigarette's tip flickering a little longer but then slowly dying down until there was only darkness left.
