Grrrrr. I hate it when you find a comic you really like online and the artist only has 8 pages up. Grrrrr.

Sorry. I had to read Robert Browning for my Lit. class this week and he seems to be rubbing off on me. I'm also sorry for posting this a little later than normal (though I'm sure you're all still wide awake if you're anything like me).

Now to address Remmyblack's review (takes a DEEP breath) Thank you for your sympathy. Wow, you have a seriously talented friend. Yes, you are not the only one. I have had the "pleasure" of having not one, but TWO basketballs hit me on the head at the same time while some friends were playing hoops. Then, as I was passing a basketball later that period, a classmate came by and decided to show my friend the correct way to pass - by having the basketball almost break my nose. So glad I'm not in high school anymore... Yes, I have had different results for a mental illness quiz. I also apparently have the mental age of a three-year-old. Yes, I will include a NON-red, green or silver fox, but you don't have to give me chocolate. Unfortunately, I seem to have malformed tastebuds, as I am restricted to a carnivore diet (with an emphasis in Italian food) assisted only by water and lemon-lime gatorade. Chocolate to the average human is sweet, but to me chocolate is nauseously rich and bitter (sad, right?) However, vanilla ice cream does not have such a negative effect on my body, so I'll just take the ice cream minus the sprinkles, chocolate and cherries (did I also mention I don't like toppings?) However, as my human intelligence and reasoning did not reveal my hideous mutation and I did not inform you of it ahead of time, I thank you very much for the kind gesture and accept my ice cream happily.

And yes, I am a Harry Potter fan.

Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, but I do own myself and my random ideas...


Ext. Drop Dead Gorgeous Island that I Totally Wouldn't Mind Being Stranded on with Jack Sparrow

JACK and ELIZABETH run in slow motion onto the beach, ELIZABETH in a red one-piece carrying a lifebuoy, and JACK in red swim shorts, tossing his dreadlocks from side to side…

JACK

Enough with the Baywatch reference!

POEISMYHERO

Aw, but I wanted to see you shirtless!

JACK and ELIZABETH change back into their normal, drenched clothes, and look back at the Black Pearl, now plank-less.

JACK

Well that was the lamest Disney ride ever.

ELIZABETH

(Shakes her head)

You haven't been in the new Tiki Room.

JACK walks off to look for rum. ELIZABETH follows him.

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Note: If any of you (like me) were confused in the earlier chapter about Jack's situation with Will (the leverage thing, not…anything else), I finally figured out what that was all about in this deleted scene from the screenplay.

JACK

Is there a problem between us, Miss Swann?

ELIZABETH

You were going to tell Barbossa about Will! In exchange for the ship!

JACK

We could use a ship. Fact is, I was going to not tell Barbossa about Will in exchange for a ship, because as long as he didn't know about bloody Will, I had something to bargain with -- which now no one has, thanks to bloody stupid Will.

ELIZABETH

Oh.

"Oh" is right! If you've been siding with Will all this time (which is unlikely, considering what I've written about him), this should really push you over to Team Sparrow!

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ELIZABETH

Wait, weren't you marooned on this island before? We can use your heroic method of escape!

JACK

Why? The Black Pearl is gone, and unless you have a rudder and some sails hidden in your bodice – unlikely -

(Leans in to check, only to get slapped – again)

then by the time we win Survivor: Godforsaken Island, your boyfriend will be dead!

ELIZABETH looks like she's going to explode. JACK, meanwhile, walks in a circle.

ELIZABETH

But you're Captain Jack Sparrow! You're the cover boy for this entire film series, you got yourself – not heroes like Will and I – transformed into a mechanical pirate for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, and you're the avatar for countless fanfiction fangirls! Are you the famous pirate I've read about in countless tabloids or not?

(Dramatic pause)

How'd you escape last time?

JACK

(Mutters under breath)

Darn it. Why do these screenwriters always feel the need to reveal backstories when the plot gets slow?

(To ELIZABETH)

Last time, I was here a grand total of three days. I wandered up to this fancy, beachside resort, had a talk with this Scottish fellow who acted like he was five, grabbed some rum and got drunk, then lounged in one of their beach chairs with my rum until they could get one of those whirly-birds out here.

(Looks at devastated Jurassic Park Visitor Center)

From the looks of things, I don't think they've been in business for a while.

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Note: I know Jurassic Park wasn't in the Caribbean. I just put it there for comic effect.

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JACK then drops down into what used to be a wine cellar and clears the place of all its rum. A RAPTOR jumps out at him, but JACK just bashes it on the head with a rum bottle before returning to a REALLY PISSED-OFF ELIZABETH

REALLY PISSED-OFF ELIZABETH

So that's it then. The grand story of the infamous Jack Sparrow. You sat on a beach, relaxing in a beach chair, drinking rum.

JACK

Welcome to the Caribbean, love. The closest you'll ever get to a Corona commercial without sobriety.

JACK hands a bottle of rum to ELIZABETH. ELIZABETH looks off into the distance thoughtfully.

JACK

Um, you don't have to contemplate rum. You just drink it.

ELIZABETH

(Looks at the bottle in her hand)

Oh…okay.

JACK seriously contemplates using SWEETNESS on himself.

Ext. Isla Nublar – Night

JACK is in the middle of filming a Girls Gone Wild video with ELIZABETH, which is quite a feat when you consider that JACK is WASTED beyond belief.

ELIZABETH

I'm loving this!

JACK

Yeah, and I'm sure your parents will love it even more once they find this video hidden in your sock drawer!

(Pauses)

Really bad eggs!

(Falls to ground)

ELIZABETH

(Dancing in her wet dress and singing at the top of her lungs)

Shut up and put your money where your mouth is!

That's what you get for waking up in Vegas!

Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now!

That's what you get for waking up in Vegas!

ELIZABETH then trips over the skull of MR. ARNOLD and falls to the ground next to JACK.

JACK

When I get back the Pearl – and I will.

(Points pistol at scared screenwriters to prove his point)

We're all going to Vegas!

ELIZABETH

And you will positively be the most famous pirates in Vegas!

JACK

Not just Vegas, love. The whole world! The Black Pearl is not just a ship. It's…freedom!

ELIZABETH

Was that a dramatic pause I heard?

(Snuggles up waaaaay too close to JACK)

JACK

Aye. Want to hear some more?

RANDOM CHURCH LADY

(Pushes them apart)

Hey! Leave room for Jesus!

POEISMYHERO

Thank God I'm Jewish!

(Latches self onto JACK before being dragged away kicking and screaming by movie security)

ELIZABETH

Jack, I don't think I'm drunk enough yet for all this parody randomness.

JACK

Ditto.

(Twirls mustache up like the pirate Don Juan he is)

ELIZABETH

(Holds up her rum bottle)

To freedom!

JACK

To movie franchise!

(Taps her rum bottle before taking another swig)

ELIZABETH puts the bottle to her lips, then stops, revealing herself to be a fake drunk, while JACK passes out from his excessive alcoholism.

POEISMYHERO

Jeez, your liver must hate you.

(Gets dragged off again by security)

Ext. Isla Nublar – Day

JACK is sleeping as smoke wafts past him. He stirs.

JACK

Bacon?

JACK wakes up to see that it is, alas, not bacon (or Beggin Strips). The smoke is coming from the large pile of burning rum. ELIZABETH chucks one of the barrels onto the burning pile with surprising (and suspicious) ease.

JACK

NOOOO! My rum! The rum is gone!

ELIZABETH

Yes, Sir Points-out-the-obvious-a-lot, the rum is gone.

JACK

But why is the rum gone?

ELIZABETH

One: Because your excessive alcoholism is getting on my nerves. Two: The entire Royal Navy is looking for me, and those flames are, like, skyscraper high! There's no way they'll miss this!

POEISMYHERO

Seriously? The entire Royal Navy? Don't they have better things to do?

JACK

But why is the rum gone?

ELIZABETH

(Glares at JACK and POEISMYHERO before plopping down onto the ground)

Just be patient. Give it a while, you'll see them soon. Hopefully before I go mad from all this silly nonsense.

JACK pulls out SWEETNESS, then remembers that the ENTIRE Royal Navy is looking for ELIZABETH and wisely puts SWEETNESS away. He then walks away from her in a huff, cursing her under his breath.

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Note: I love Jack's little voices right here! So cute! (Notices blank stares from readers) I have an obsession, okay?

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JACK then sees ONE lone boat and a rowboat coming to the island and pauses.

JACK

There'll be no living with her after this.

JACK FANGIRLS
Yay! Jack's still single!

(Tackle JACK)


Well, we're getting down to the wire. Only a few more chappies before the dramatic conclusion!

(Suddenly a silver fox and a green fox tackle POEISMYHERO)

Silver fox: No, you can't end the parody!

Green fox: We won't let you!

POEISMYHERO: Wait, you can talk?

Silver fox: Duh!

Green fox: This is a parody. Reality's rules don't apply here!

POEISMYHERO: Really? Then I wish for Jack Sparrow to appear beside me!

(Jack Sparrow appears next to POEISMYHERO)

POEISMYHERO: Yay, my wish came true! (Tackles Jack)