12: Don't You Wish They Knew? Pein

A/N: I needed a comic relief… And I couldn't resist this chapter….


Did I know what I was doing? Up to a point, yes. I knew that Sasori was the one who accidentally-on-purpose turned four of my Akatsuki members into babies. I knew that I was torturing them by drawing out my vacation away from them. I knew about my basement – and how close they'd come to finding all the cameras that I hoped they'd be stupid enough to think weren't recording for my current entertainment. Honestly, when they'd first come to me with the babies, I hadn't known what to do. So I took this vacation. I love the fact that I could sneak in a day later and wire the cameras so that I could watch everything – and they didn't know. I love it! My organization is full of idiotic, "do as he says", monkeys! It's amazing. And I didn't realize this until now.

Anyway, yes. Konan and I are on vacation. We're enjoying ourselves very much so. I've never laughed so hard in my entire life. "Souložit, boogie, baiser! Bumsen!" Ah, Hidan...How did you learn all those different languages?


"Are they awake yet?" I ask groggily, noticing Konan sitting up already. I don't hear any noise from the TV though so I'm unsure.

"Oh, they're up…" Her voice alerts me and I sit up. She's in awe so I look at the TV. Instantly, I'm in trepidation too. The babies are awake but not the adults. They're silently going around the house with random weapons they must have found in their babysitters' rooms. It's what they're doing with the weapons that make us become something of zombies – because, honestly, if we didn't just let this go, we'd be freaking out. They're dragging the sharp objects against everything – the counters, floors, cupboards, furniture – and being very quiet about it. They all look determined as they destroy our base. I decide that they probably didn't take the previous night's events very well.

See, after they'd demanded answers, they only got about five before Hidan freaked out on them. Sasori actually started scolding them as well, telling them that it wasn't safe for them to be hiding Tobi. But they hadn't been happy with their answers. They'd had more questions. The adults wouldn't let them bring it back up after they'd had their things again. They'd pretty much stuck them right in bed and that was the end of the story.

Well, that's what the adults thought, I'm sure. The babies had obviously thought this through a little bit more. "It's like watching a really good soap opera with awesome actors…" I mutter, too amazed by the children's destruction to get mad about it yet.

"I wonder what the adults will do when they wake up?" Konan asks, though I'm sure she knew the answer already.

"Freak out," I reply anyway. She nods mutely. Then we see Hidan waking up.

"Uh-oh. I was kind of hoping maybe Kisame or Sasori would wake up first. This will be bad…" Konan mutters. I can't even nod. I'm slightly afraid for the kids' lives.

"What the…?" Hidan mutters as he puts his feet on the ground and notices the notches carved into the wooden floor. He visibly pales and I can't help but to laugh. "Oh, shit, no…" Konan joins me in laughter as Hidan looks around his room in silent horror. Then he jumps up and yanks open his scarred door, letting out a loud scream.

On one of the other screens, the babies freeze. Then they all drop their weapons and scramble. Despite knowing that our base will probably be in ruins by the time Konan and I get back, I laugh even harder than before. Sasori's up first – naturally. "What's going on? Who's dead?" he cries, running to Hidan's aid as Zetsu wanders out from his room. He doesn't look amused.

"Have you not seen the condition of the base? We're screwed! Leader-sama is going to kill us!" Hidan looks to be on the verge of hysteria.

"I didn't realize you scared them so badly," Konan muses, grinning happily. I shrug, watching the screen intently. Kisame's walking down the hall, looking as horrified as Hidan. That's about when Sasori and Zetsu start really looking around. Their mouths drop in terror.

"This can't be happening!" Sasori screeches, turning tail and racing down the hall at an impossible speed. Zetsu's dark side then makes an appearance and starts a nice long stream of swear words – even going as far as to make up some nasty sounding ones. A very high-pitched howl echoes from the kitchen. Then it's dead silent for a minute in which Konan and I burst into hysterical laughter. "WHERE ARE THEY?"

"Sasori…" Kisame starts, seeming to be the only one in a relatively calm state. But he's shot down with glares from Zetsu and Hidan. "Never mind…"

"I think my favorite is when Sasori gets so angry," I say between random spasms of laughter.

"No, Hidan stands as the best and he always will," Konan replies breezily, giggling insanely afterward.

"Sasori can take on Hidan any day when he's this angry," I inform her haughtily. "Hidan wouldn't stand a chance."

She snorts. "Oh really? I highly doubt that. First of all, Sasori has a crush on Hidan at the moment so he wouldn't dare lay a hand on him. Second, Kakuzu has bragged about him being able to kill someone quickly and efficiently."

"Ha!" I bark. My competitive side is coming out to shine. "First, it doesn't matter if they have crushes on each other. If Sasori was riled up enough, he'd totally destroy him. And second, who said anything about murder?"

Konan's mouth twists up in a sort of grimace and snicker. "Is that a challenge?"

"It most definitely is," I respond in a slightly snarling voice. "Hidan and Sasori will have broken up by the end of the day."

"What do I get if Hidan manages to salvage their relationship by midnight?" she inquires curiously. I note that she didn't deny their possible breakup.

I think about this for a moment and then say, "Ah, I know. I'll get my little minions to create that pool you wanted in the basement."

She breaks into a wide grin. "And if you win… I'll issue the missions and put up with your little minions for a month."

"Deal." We shake hands, beaming insanely.

"WE DEMAND ANSWERS!" Kakuzu screams from the TV and we look over. The adults have the babies cornered – literally. The adults are surrounding the toddlers in the far corner of the living room. While Deidara and Tobi look slightly worried, Itachi and Kakuzu are standing their ground. The adults look furious.

"We gave you answers last night!" Sasori reminds him angrily. "What more could you possibly want to know that would make you create such destruction?"

Surprisingly, Tobi responds, "We can start with why we're all here." Konan and I sober up immediately, curious. This wasn't really a new development – that had happened yesterday. We figured that if the babies were becoming curious about things they couldn't explain within them, they were probably growing up; maybe not physically yet but still. "No one ever told us why we woke up in this strange place and got assigned to be babysat by you four. You introduced yourselves and we got to know you but why did we have to? Why didn't we already know you? Were we kiddy-napped?"

"No, of course not," Sasori tells him immediately. But here he pauses, as if unsure what to say next. "We're not entirely sure what happened, really…"

"Then why didn't you try to find out parents?" Itachi asks next, looking defiant.

Hidan sighs and I can practically hear what he's thinking: 'This is too much trouble than it's worth.' He runs a hand through his hair and says, "It's complicated. We don't know how you got here but we knew who you were already. There was no one for you to go home to."

This brings the kids up short. Varying emotions cross their faces, from anger to sadness to madness. Finally, Deidara declares, "But you pretended you didn't know us, un. You made us think that we were new to you. Did you know everything about us then, un?"

"Of course not," Zetsu scoffs and I flinch a little. "There were still things we didn't know. We've really been able to get to know you guys and we're glad we could."

Panic crosses Deidara's face. "You're giving us up, un!" he accuses, horrified with the prospect.

"What? No we're not!" Kisame cries, looking just as upset as Deidara.

"Even with the mess we've made?" Kakuzu whispers, peeking hopefully up at Hidan.

"Yeah…About that…" said Jashinist starts and Konan sighs. Sasori elbows him in the ribs and I chuckle delightfully. "Even with the mess you've just made. Look, you've grown on us, okay? You're our little S-Class Babies." The adults all grin but the children look confused.

"What?" Tobi inquires, sounding absolutely puzzled.

"Never mind," Zetsu mutters, looking around. "We'll let you off but you have to help us with damage control." The kids hastily agree.

The next few hours leading up to naptime are rather entertaining at the same time that they're painfully boring. After the adults sand down as many of the scars as possible so that every surface of wood just looks dipped, Kakuzu sews up the furniture and the other children splash each other with paint as they cover up their damage. Random fights break out throughout the day – some between Sasori and Hidan, our star-crossed lovers, and Konan and I banter over the results. Still, naptime doesn't come fast enough and I'm sure it was twice as long for the adults back at the base.

When the kids are all finally tucked into bed, Zetsu and Kisame wander off muttering something about a nap. But we note that they don't go into the same room. With this strange turn of events, Konan and I are again betting on another relationship. "Kisame will be the one to end it," I declare as I stare intently at the TV while shoveling food into my mouth.

"If that's the case, then Zetsu will be the one who saves it," Konan replies calmly, prodding some fish on her plate.

"You always think of the good side of people," I scoff, looking at her.

"Because sometimes, that's the one side I can stand," she replies and I notice that she's staring particularly at the screen with Zetsu staring out of his bedroom window with Tobi sprawled on his bed.

I'm silent for a moment while I contemplate that. "I think Zetsu misses Tobi."

She doesn't answer right away. "What would you have done if I had been turned into one of those babies?"

"I would have taken care of you personally," I respond without hesitation. "No distractions for myself whatsoever. I also wouldn't have made the mistake of telling you anything – no matter if you were holding something of mine hostage. I would have made you wait."

"Until when?" I glance at her and a smile is dancing on her lips.

"Until you were older." I grin and we break into laughter.

"Hidan…" The tone in Sasori's voice makes us whip our heads around. "I…" He looks perplexed. "Do you remember that bet we made?"

"How could I forget?" Hidan mumbles, sitting down on the newly repaired couch. "Why?"

Sasori's in the doorway to the kitchen, his back turned away from Hidan. "Maybe we should forget it."

Hidan snaps his head up, an alarmed expression on his face. "What are you talking about? Are you trying to breakup with me?"

A sigh escapes Sasori's lips. "Look, we know what will happen when the kids are adults again. We know this won't last."

"Do we?" Hidan challenges softly. It doesn't really sound like a challenge though, it sounds more like he's thinking aloud. "Sasori, I like you. Really, I do. And I'm afraid of what will happen when Kakuzu grows up because I've liked him longer. But…I can't foresee what will happen. I also don't want to cut something I'm enjoying so much short. Can't we just face it when we get there?"

Sasori spins, almost losing his balance which looks odd when he stumbles like that. He looks slightly disoriented and crazy. "I don't want it to end! But that's just the problem, isn't it? I know that the moment Deidara turns back into that 20 something year old, I will drop you instantly for him. I know this without a doubt, Hidan. Yes, I like you. However, I'm sorry, you will never compare to that boy."

I feel my jaw drop and hear Konan gasp from behind me. I'm not Hidan so my empathy makes me feel slight pinpricks of what he must be feeling. He stands up abruptly, furious. "Fuck you, Sasori. You know, it was stupid to get involved with a puppet who only has echoes of emotion from the past. A puppet who will never truly feel. I pity Deidara." Then he storms off to his room, almost slamming his door but remembering that Kakuzu's asleep in there. Sasori stands there looking rather numb. Apparently that wasn't the breakup he had envisioned.

"I win," I say but it lacks emotion.

"It's not midnight yet," Konan reminds me and I grumble something that even I don't understand.

"This will be a long day…" I mutter with a sigh and a shake of my head. "Where did that even come from anyway?"

Konan considers this for a moment before suggesting, "Maybe the kids' questions threw him and he became concerned about their future again. He's worried about it before, I think."

"Well, obviously not to this degree," I exclaim, throwing my hands in the air. The TV looks rather boring now that the adults seem wrapped up in their own thoughts and the kids are all asleep. "Wake me up when something interesting happens."

"Like when I win this bet?" she inquires with a smug smile.

"Which one?" I counter with a smirk as I curl up under the covers. I catch her rolling her eyes before I'm out. The next thing I'm conscious of, I'm being shaken awake. "What's wrong?" I mumble, trying to get my eyes to open.

"The base is under attack." And then I hear the kids start screaming.