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Chapter 12 – Routines

Jade

I couldn't help but smile all the way back to the hospital; in fact I was beaming so bright I think I was scaring some of the nurses. They had gotten used to Jade the mean girl, seeing me genuinely smile was indeed a rare thing.

Mom was awake, and she was propped up on a pillow. She actually was looking a lot better, and she smiled at me as I walked in.

"You're back." She said, relaxing into her pillow.

"Yeah." I crossed my arms and sat down on the chair beside the bed. "Why are you still awake?"

"Why are you?" she smiled, and then coughed slightly. "When I woke up you weren't here. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

I shrugged, I guess I should be grateful for her concern but frankly I wasn't. She hadn't shown me the slightest bit of worry since for as long as I could remember. The pessimistic side of me knew that this sudden burst of kindness wouldn't last long. "I was out."

"You never talk to me anymore. Tell me what's going on? How is school?"

"Fine."

"And that boy you're seeing. What was his name? Bob? …Ben? How is he?"

I looked to the floor, crossing my arms tighter. "We broke up."

She gave me a sympathetic look that was so close to genuine, I almost believed that she had changed for a second. "You two were so good together. When did that happen?"

"A while ago."

We were silent for a while, and the awkwardness in the room was almost too much for me to handle. I actually considered very seriously just leaving now and driving to Tori's. I liked the way she made me feel.

Like everything was going to be okay. Even just for a little while.

"The doctors said I can go home tomorrow." Mom said with another cough.

"Good."

"Baby, I want you to come home. I promise things will be better. But it won't feel like home unless you're there. I haven't been the best mother lately." Or at all, I added to myself bitterly. "Can you forgive me? Ever since your father left things have been… a little…"

"I don't know, mom. You kicked me out, remember?"

"It was the alcohol. But things will be different this time. I promise. I want to be here for you."

I just shrugged again, what could I say? Of course I wanted to come home… but that also meant that I wouldn't get to see Tori as much. My heart ached to see her again.

"Your father called here today." She said quietly.

"I don't care."

"You need to hear this. His new wife just had a baby."

And there was my good mood gone. Any small amount of happiness I had, every last drop of hope that I had felt from being with Tori… drained away. Isn't it funny how only a few words can shatter your whole world?

"But that doesn't mean he still doesn't love you." She grimaced.

"How did he even know you were here?"

"I still had him listed as an emergency contact. I've been meaning to change it but…"

She trailed off, but I knew what she meant anyway. You still thought there was even a small amount of chance for the both of you.

Mom fell asleep not long after. I was tired but every time I closed my eyes I picture dad with his new family. Did I really mean so little to him that he had to go and make another family so that he could feel like a real father? Wasn't I good enough?

I already knew the answer to that. Neither me nor mom was ever good enough for him.

My whole world was falling apart. My family was broken, I guess it always was. Why did it have to take so much for me to be able to see that?

I was grateful for all night fast food restaurants because I don't think I could have made it through the night. I sat alone at a table for several hours, eating greasy fries and drinking terrible black coffee. I was staring at my phone. I knew I had to call him, but I really didn't want to. I knew what he'd say.

Jade, you're not good enough. You never were. I'm happy with my new family now, I don't need you. I never needed you.

My eyes pricked and I wish Tori were here. She would make me feel better.


The next morning couldn't come quick enough. After driving mom home once she was cleared (and taking a shower), I made my way to school.

I was late of course, but I didn't care. I think I was all out of feelings. Too much was going on in my life and I didn't have enough spare emotions to worry about my schooling as well.

Sikowitz barely glanced at me as I walked in, his bald head seemed even balder when he was sitting. He was of course, sipping from a coconut and sitting cross legged on the floor.

"We're just two lost people." Beck said, in a fake British accent.

The play must have been close to being finished, because Tori and Beck were both dressed up. The stage and all of its props were out; Sinjin was manning the lights and sound.

"Lost…and uh…lonely…" Tori said, stumbling on her words like she had never rehearsed it before. She was also holding her script close to her face which seemed a little strange to me.

"I don't know why… but I think I love you."

"I think… I uh… love you too."

Beck leaned in… jealously rose within me. I wanted to rush to the stage and push Beck away. Tori was mine.

Mine?

Were we dating? I crossed my arms tight around my chest, the way I usually did when I was feeling too much of any emotion. I guess in a way we were dating. We both felt the same way about each other…

Beck was really close to her now; I could see the uncertainty on her face. No one had seen me enter, I was grateful for it, but I was seriously considering walking out.

I really didn't want to see Beck kiss her.

Part of me knew that Beck was probably better for her than I was. I was too broken and I didn't feel like I deserved her. Beck would treat her right. He had treated me right and that's what made us break up. Twice.

Beck's lips brushed Tori's, she had her eyes squeezed shut like she was in some terrible nightmare. In a way I guess she was.

And then it dawned on me when I realised that she didn't actually want to kiss him.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and Sinjin was shouting something. Sikowitz jumped out of his seat in fright, dropping his coconut in the process.

"Sinjin what are you doing?!" He shouted up to Sinjin who was frozen in place.

"I didn't mean to." He replied.

A huge light had fallen off the ceiling and crashed into the right hand side of the room, luckily the seats were vacant except for the ones Sikowitz and I sat in.

"Now look what you've done!" he picked up his coconut angrily and gave Sinjin a death stare.

"I'm sorry okay!"

Sikowitz sat back down again, and I returned my attention to the stage, a little eager to see how the scene would play out.

However, Tori was nowhere to be found on stage.

Beck was scratching the back of his head in that way he used to do whenever something was bothering him.

"Where is Tori?" Sikowitz said.

Beck shrugged. "I don't know."

But I did.