Title: Dark Alley - Chapter 12
Disclaimer: This is intended as a fan fiction, on characters owned by their original creators and I am not making a profit out of it.
Geezuz, Charles. Get over it already! Grief takes different people in different ways. I understand. I think I do. But how am I supposed to act in front this unabashed display of pain? Sarah's choking with tears with her arms over my shoulders and she shouldn't be embarrassing herself like this—or me. There's already enough suffering around here. Everybody is looking at us, hell! All I wanted was to give her my condolences and get a quick FIFO from this wake for Ivan Gojka.
"Sarah..."
"Charlie... Oh, Charlie..." Sarah breaks into a new burst of crying. Tears on my uniform, little drips of darkness, won't lighten up until they dry. "Charlie, thank you-thank you-thank you!"
"Sarah..."
I am closing the eyes and focus on combat breathing. I wish I could be running away, escaping from that house and from this room in particular, from everything, if only long enough for this never ending funeral to end...
"Thank you, Charlie. Thank you. You brought him home." At least she has moved her hands to rest over my arms now. "This family owes you so much. Now I can mourn him. I wouldn't... I couldn't-" Tears keep rolling down her cheeks in big drops, fresh ones appearing the moment she wipes the old ones away.
"It has been an honor and a privilege to serve with your husband." Standard words, and practiced. Don't have to think about what they mean.
"I was always all right if I wasn't aware of what was going on when he left for a mission. I knew very little of what Ivan did, and had never asked questions" Because, of course, you didn't want the answers. "'Oh, you're off. When are you coming back?' It was the most I could ever ask him, Charlie. But this time it was different. I knew he shouldn't be going, that I should forbid him to go. I knew. I knew."
"I know you miss him." I try to smile in sympathy, and for a second there is a smile in her eyes too but now it's gone. "Everything hurts. But you'll know how to handle it in your own time and your own way. You'll see."
"You must understand, if it was just me, I'd go off somewhere and curl up in a ball until I stopped wanting to be dead, but there are the kids…" Her eyes dart to Mickey and Cynthia sitting quietly in a corner, probably longing as much as myself all this to end and get back to their lives. Do they really understand what's happening? Did they know their father well enough to care? Probably not. "What am I going to do now? You men are so selfish, you leave us in the back front, with no training to face any of this. What can I do now, Charlie?" Sarah Gojka is sniffling again. "You were his friend, Charlie. The only one to drop by every day and be by his bed to make sure he did his rehab when things went so rough for us. You are a friend of this family. Tell me what can I do now?"
"Be yourself. Follow your heart but only when you've put your brains into gear again." And it's time for me to cut this off. I reach out and place my hands over hers and squeeze them gently to separate them from my arms. "Ivan was no fool. He was in the Army. You must respect his choice. Remember, he died doing what he wanted to do, knowing what he was dying for. It will help make everything all right."
"Please tell me how he died. They won't. I need to know." So this was it. Time for the emotional extortion. Time to fish for the gory details. You knew there was a reason that Sarah grabbed you when you came in. "You were the one to find him; I know that much. I want to know all." This was only just the beginning and I couldn't put up with it any longer.
"I know you think it will help, but it won't." She opens her mouth to speak and I raise my hand to stop her. "Same as some things are worth dying for, some secrets are worth keeping."
"So you're telling me I should act like a good soldier and embrace pain and suffering for nothing?" Not for nothing. How can you say that! You! An Army spouse. Ivan didn't die for nothing. He didn't die in vain. "You know, he thought I'd put up a fight when he told me he wanted another tour. I thought I was being noble by not giving him a hard time about it. Save him a great deal of pain. Having to choose between his work and his family. But he has left me all alone, with two kids. Nothing in the bank. It's not fair. It's not fair, Charlie!" Not fair. Right. Well, whoever sold you that life was supposed to be fair just duped you.
"Noble. Is this what are you being now?" My question takes her by surprise and it sets off her tears again. There were some things I needed to say, and she needed to hear. "Is this being noble to his memory, today of all days? Belittling his sacrifice with this useless pity party? Ivan was fighting for something he believed in. The people he cared for lived in this country that he had played his part to protect. You, the kids, were his main concern and he did his best to accommodate his duty to his family and country with the rest. If I were you, I would feel honored to have shared a life with someone with better values in his life than money."
"Grey!" Ryan. From somewhere too close behind me.
"We are having a private conversation. Sir." Now Ryan did it. Again. Him of all men, trying to teach me a lesson. Anger bobs up, like a cork. I fight to hold it down, almost succeeding, stretching my hands at my side until it hurts to distract my attention. But I know I am snapping next second, I know-I know-I know, and I know I can't help it. And none of my bros is here to stop me. And I feel a hand on my forearm and I have to stop myself from taking a step back. Physical contact is the last thing I can stand just now.
"Sarah, Colonel... I'm sure that the two of you would appreciate some time to talk and I'd much appreciate the sergeant seeing me home. It's getting late, and I don't relish the thought of leaving without an escort," Molly. Gently pushing me out of the Gojka's kitchen. Pushing me out of harm's way.
When they were in out in the porch and safely out of the Colonel's hearing, Molly turned to him. "So?"
Grey glanced at her questioningly, eyes wary. "You were assigned bodyguard duty tonight? Top put you up to this?"
Molly persisted. She lifted her chin unrepentantly. "All the uniforms are out there, protecting the peace. That leaves the rest of us to fill in the gaps."
Grey opened the little gate to the main street before replying, "Good, then get out there and do your job." He wouldn't meet her eyes. "I'm sure there's someone out there who needs you."
"Charlie... You are the oddest combination of a man." Molly took Grey's arm once more, not fooled one bit. "You look at the world with fewer illusions than anyone I have ever known, yet you are as sentimental as someone who thinks that the world is pretty-pretty."
"Really? You just saw there with Sarah how sentimental I am." Grey managed a dry look. His mouth twisted bitterly to one side in a grin deliberately difficult to interpret.
"If you weren't, you'd have let her rant on and then excused yourself and left. Look, I don't know if it helps at all," Molly continued, "but I wonder if, ultimately, the sense of any life lay with the survivors, in their memories. In their tears… The spouses left behind, whether men or women, we have no other way to—"
"... take the beating." Grey completed her sentence. "There is no getting away from it."
"That's what my dad would say to my sister and me when we didn't have good grades at school. If there is nothing else you could offer me, you could at least bare your backs so that I can have something to strike against."
Grey's back stiffened, even so slightly.
"Sarah needed to get it out one way or the other. You were the perfect conduit for her to vent her grief for the loss of Ivan. She feels helpless and lost at the same time."
"Guess so."
"And I cannot feel what you men feel when deployed but I've thought many times how hard must it be for you to be there and to do what has to be done." Molly paused, gathering her thoughts. Then she fixed him with a stern eye. "Now try and put yourself in Sarah's shoes. She was living a month ago with a wonderful man, one who provided for her and their children in many ways, and I am not talking about money here. Then, suddenly, she is told by a couple of military manual phrases that she is left out in the cold. And you are not in Hollywood... There is no nice music to go with your tears. Don't blame her too for losing control and saying a ton of silly things today."
"Ryan thought I was losing control."
"Me too. Were you?"
"Well, boot my ass all the way back to your home, sistah, 'cause I surely deserve it"
Molly graced him with a cocky grin, her white teeth gleaming under the moon light.
