Chapter 12
We were both absolutely silent on the drive home. The fact that Jacob quite literally wanted to kill Edward made me feel…well I'm not really sure how it made me feel. And also the fact that he didn't want to go track down who had shot his mom because of me…it didn't feel right.
I wanted to say something to him about it, but after that almost-fight I had had with him earlier about Edward…I felt it was better to hold my tongue. He pulled into the parking garage of the apartment, and into his parking spot. I exited the car, slinging my purse over my shoulder. Neither of us said a word as we entered the elevator and went up to the apartment. It was as if neither of us knew what to say. We hadn't exactly gotten into a fight, but we still weren't exactly…happy?
It was worse actually in the apartment. It was like we were trying to avoid each other. He took a shower while I changed out of my work clothes and into pyjamas. He came into the bedroom with sweat pants on just as I was climbing into bed. I rolled onto my side so I wasn't facing him as he got into bed beside me.
"You should go to Michigan," I said quietly, still not looking at him.
"No."
I rolled back over so I was facing him. "Why?"
"I told you why," he said, anger lacing his tone. "I'm not going to go."
"Jacob, come on, I can take care of myself," I said.
"Yeah, but if he tried anything while I'd be gone, you'd be defenseless. I'm not going to risk that, Bella," he said. "Don't you have any idea how much you mean to me? If anything were to happen to you…I don't even want to think about it."
I felt anger bubbling in the pit of my stomach. "I know how to take care of myself."
"Do you?" he demanded angrily.
I recoiled against his harsh tone. "Yes, I do, I lived on my own when I first fucking moved here Jacob."
"Yeah but after that asshole ex-boyfriend of yours got through with you, you obviously can't."
Hurt stabbed at me. I grabbed my pillow and flung the blankets off me.
He sighed. "Bella, where are you going?"
"To sleep on the couch."
I made it to the bedroom door, before I felt him pull me back. I hadn't even heard him get out of bed. He wrapped me in his arms and tucked me under his chin.
"It isn't that I think you can't take care of yourself, I don't know why I said that earlier, I really don't, but right now, you are my priority, Bella," he whispered. "If anything happened to you because I left you for a few days…I don't know what I would do with myself. After seeing you lying like that on the sidewalk…so frail…it terrified me. It made me think what life without you would be like, and it was awful. For those few seconds before I could feel your pulse, or while I was waiting for the docs to tell me if you were gonna be okay…I thought I had lost you…I don't ever want to feel like that again, Bella."
I felt tears pool in my eyes at his words.
"Jacob, I'm so sorry," I sputtered.
He tilted my head up so I was looking into his eyes. "You don't need to apologize."
"You thought I was going to die," I sobbed. "How could I have put you through that?"
He led me back into bed and sat me in his lap, with me tucked securely under his chin again with his arms wrapped tightly around me.
"You made a mistake," he whispered. "Everybody does. But it's also why I can't bring myself to go to Michigan to find whoever shot my mom. If I left you, regardless of the amount of time it took me, and something happened…I would blame myself forever."
I was full on sobbing and shaking now. Jacob was so worried about my safety that he wouldn't do the one thing he had told me he had set out to do since he was a little kid.
"The present is more important than my past, Bella," he said.
"Jacob…you've been w-waiting so long to find this person…and now you basically know where they are…w-why are you going to just let it go like this?" I asked through my tears.
"Michigan isn't a tiny state, love," he said. "What am I going to do, search the entire state trying to find this person? We both know how ridiculous it sounds."
I looked away from him. I felt like I was holding him back, and I hated it. I felt like I was controlling him, and I didn't like that one bit.
"Come on, let's go to sleep, we've both got work tomorrow," he said.
He lay me down beside him, and I curled into his side with my head resting on his chest. The sound of his steady heartbeat lulled me right to sleep.
The next morning I very vaguely recalled him getting out of bed and getting ready to go to work, but I had just rolled back over and fallen back to sleep. I didn't need to be into work until noon, there was no way in hell I was going to get out of bed earlier than I needed to.
When I finally did roll out of bed, the apartment was empty. Yeah, I was sad, but I had expected it. I slightly regretted not getting out of bed when he left, but I really couldn't bring myself to fully regret it. That bed was way too comfy.
I got ready for work and left the apartment. I made my way to work slowly. It was a nice day; I wanted to enjoy it before I would have to be stuck inside all day. My shift went by so slowly, and I was excited for my break. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check any messages.
I had a voicemail from Edward. My stomach dropped. I really didn't want to listen to it, but curiosity got the best of me and I listened to it.
Hey Bella, it's Edward…I wanted to talk things over with you…could we have lunch? Please? I really want to talk to you…call me back, okay? Bye.
I sat, cradling my phone in my hands for what seemed like hours. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to have lunch with Edward, but I also really didn't want to either. I wanted to move past him, and having lunch with him would definitely not help with that. And Jacob would definitely not be on board for it. Jacob literally wanted to kill Edward; there was no way he'd be okay with me going to lunch with him.
I sighed and rubbed my forehead in frustration. What was I going to do? I just wouldn't call him back. That was it. I wouldn't call him back-I would pretend I had never even heard the message in the first place.
I erased the voicemail and slipped my phone back into my pocket.
You have to put the past behind you. That past includes Edward. You have to leave it behind. I thought forcefully to myself. I went back into the restaurant and finished my shift.
As I left the restaurant at the end of my shift, my eye caught a silver car. Edward's silver car. I tightened my jacket around me. Hoping he wouldn't see me if he was still in his car. I made it to the sidewalk past the parking lot of the restaurant before he noticed me.
"Bella!" he called. I turned to see him loping towards me.
Shit.
"Did you get my message?" he asked once he had reached me.
"No, what message?" I asked.
I called you and got your voicemail, did you change your number or something?" he asked.
"Nope," I said. "How did you find out I work here?"
"Don't ask," he said, smiling dangerously. "Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch with me."
"No," I said.
"I heard you were in contact with Johnny," he said that with an arrogant grin.
"So?" I asked. "I'm off that shit now, no thanks to you." I said the last part with a sneer.
"Come on, baby," he said. "Don't you miss us? Remember how good the sex was?"
"You're not as good as you seem to think you are," I snapped.
He chuckled. "Ouch. So who's your new boyfriend, who's apparently so much better in bed than I am?" he rolled his eyes as he said that last part.
"None of your business," I growled. "And if you know what's good for you, you'll stay away from me-he'll have your ass thrown in jail like that" I snapped my fingers. "at my word."
I immediately regretted what I said, because I saw Edward's face clear.
"Oh so one of the cops from the club that night-the last night you worked there," he said. "Which one?"
"None. Of. Your. Business."
"So touchy today," he said, clicking his tongue. "I haven't been with anyone else since you left me, even that day-that girl-I kicked her out."
"I don't fucking believe that, Edward," I said.
"Okay-one other girl after you had left, but other than that, no one. I can't get over you Bella, that other girl-not the one you caught me with-did nothing for me. I want you back," he said, I could hear a touch of desperation in his tone.
"No," I said. "I'm not going to go back to you, just to have you treat me like shit again and make me work in your fucking club."
"You won't have to work there again, and I'll treat you better. I promise. Please Bella, I miss you so much," he said, caressing my face.
I wrenched myself away from him. "No, Edward. I'm going home. Goodbye."
"Let me drive you," he said.
"No."
I turned swiftly and walked as quickly as I could back to the apartment I shared with Jacob. Numerous times I looked behind me to see if he was following me-either on foot or by his car-but I never saw him. I made it to the apartment and made my way inside. Once actually inside the apartment, I calmed down. Jacob wasn't home from work yet, and this worried me. Usually he was home by now. I made myself a sandwich for dinner, and sat down on the couch with it, replaying the conversation with Edward over and over in my head.
A little while later, Jacob came in, looking angry. Uh oh. Had he somehow witnessed the conversation between Edward and me?
"Bad day?" I asked. His head shot up as if he hadn't realized I was sitting there.
At the sight of me, I could practically see the tension slide out of him. He smiled warmly at me.
"Yeah, it was pretty rough, but it's much better now, did you eat?" he asked.
I motioned to my plate. "Yep."
He went into the kitchen to find something to it, and I chewed on my lip, deliberating on whether or not to tell him about my encounter with Edward. He came into the living room with a bowl of cereal and looked at me oddly.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Oh, nothing," I said, casting a quick smile his way. "Work just exhausted me."
He gave me another weird look, but seemed to just shrug it off. I chewed on my lip some more, still deliberating.
"You have something on your mind," he said.
I shook my head. "It's nothing."
He took a deep breath. "I think…I think I'm gonna go to Michigan."
I turned to look at him, eyes wide. "Really? What happened to not being able to leave me alone?"
"I've been thinking about it all day…you're right. You can take care of yourself. I hope…I hope you don't think I'm being selfish in this. I just…it's been eating away at me all day."
"Would you be going alone?" I asked, worry seeping into me.
"Nah, I'd probably take Paul or Jared with me," he said. "Would you be angry with me if I asked one of them to stop by once in a while to check on you?"
"I wouldn't be angry at all," I said. "Are you sure you're ready to do this?" My mind was whirling. There was no way I could tell him about Edward calling and visiting me now, he'd never leave my side again if he knew. I felt like I should tell Jacob about it, but I also really couldn't. I don't know what was stopping me from telling him. Probably the fact that this would make or break his decision to go.
Idly, I hoped it was Paul who stayed behind. I didn't know Jared nearly as well as I knew Paul, and to be honest, I felt more comfortable with Paul.
Now, it wasn't that I wanted him away from me-that wasn't it at all. Of course I wanted him to stay here with me; it could be dangerous for him to go. Who knows what shape he could home in? Or if he came home at all. The reason I was pushing him so hard to go was because he had literally been waiting for this for his entire life, and now he didn't want to go simply because of me? That didn't make sense to me.
And it made me feel guilty.
"Why don't I come with you?" I asked. His head snapped around to look at me, eyes wide.
"No."
"Why?"
"Because it could be dangerous for you," he said.
"It could also be dangerous for you, though," I noted.
"You have work."
"So do you."
"I can take time off-and this has to actually do with a criminal, who I'll more than likely be putting into jail if I find him," he said. "You, on the other hand, can't get more time off, and this isn't work related for you."
I was trapped, because he was right.
"Fine," I grumbled.
I got up off the couch to put my plate away, but he pulled me back so I was sitting on top of him, straddling his waist.
"The reason I don't want you to go with me is because I want you to be safe," he said. "I'm not worried about me, I've got the gun and the bullet proof vest-you don't, and you aren't allowed to carry a gun. If I could give you my gun, then I'd let you come in a heartbeat, but you can't. It wouldn't be safe for you."
He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, and met my eyes evenly. I understood why Jacob didn't want me to go with him; he wanted me to stay safe. I could understand that, but that didn't mean I liked it very much.
Deep down, I knew why I didn't want to be without him. I was scared. Scared of two things. One: that I would relapse again, and two: that Edward would come and find me and harass me to have lunch with him more. But I kept my mouth shut. Jacob needed to do this.
He tucked me under his chin and stroked my hair.
A few days later Jacob left for Michigan. He went with Jared, Paul stayed behind. I stood in our kitchen just before he was set to leave with Jared.
"I'm gonna miss you," I said quietly.
He came into the kitchen, and gave me a long look. "I don't have to go."
"Yes, you do," I said. "I'm just gonna miss you." He moved close to me, and pressed me against the kitchen counter.
"I'm gonna miss you too," he breathed against my neck. I felt his fingers gripping my hips.
"You have to leave soon," I whispered. "Jared will be here any minute."
He shrugged. "He can wait."
"Won't you miss your plane?" I asked.
"Trying to get me away from you, eh?" he asked.
"You have no idea how wrong you are with that," I mumbled. "I just don't want Jared to have my ass for making you late."
"Mmm, trust me Bella, no one is going to have your ass except me," he said-and for added emphasis he reached down and squeezed. I ran my hands through his hair, feeling my arousal-as well as his. He pressed harder against me, and I felt a familiar tug down there. Oh God, what this man did to me.
"Let's have a nice goodbye," I whispered in his ear, clutching him close to me.
I felt his chuckle against my throat. "If you insist."
He opened the top two buttons of my shirt, as I fumbled with the buttons on his. I wanted him so badly; it was like he had control over everything in me-body and soul.
A banging on the door mad both of us jump.
"Jake, get your fucking ass out here. We gotta go, we're gonna miss our plane," Jared's muffled voice came through the door.
Jacob took a deep breath. "I guess I'll have to take a rain check."
I smiled in spite of myself. "It'll be worth the wait."
"Jake, so help me god I'll knock this fucking door down if you don't get out here," Jared growled from the hallway.
Jacob went over to the door and opened it. I poked my head out of the kitchen to see Jared standing there, looking annoyed.
"Hi Jared," I said, smiling as brightly as I could at him.
"Oh…hey Bella," he said, returning my smile. I could tell he hadn't realized I was here. I noticed his face flush slightly-probably him realizing what he had interrupted.
Jacob hefted his bag over his shoulder and met my eyes. I didn't want him to go. A sudden urge to beg him to stay washed over me. I went over to him, and leaned against him.
"I'll wait downstairs," Jared said, walking down the hall to the elevator.
Jacob cupped my face in his hands. "Are you sure you're going to be okay?"
I smiled and nodded at him. "Paul will be checking on me, and Emmett knows that you're out of town. I'll be fine."
He took a deep breath. "I'll come home as soon as I can-if something happens and you get uncomfortable here alone...Paul is willing to let you go stay with him."
"And so is Emmett," I said, smiling wider at him. "Go-before you miss your flight."
He leaned down and kissed me-hard. "I'll be back before you know it."
"I hope so," I whispered. Why was I suddenly feeling choked up? This wasn't like me at all. What the fuck?
"Be safe, okay?" he said. I nodded. "I'll call you when I land."
I kissed him once more before he left the apartment. Loneliness washed over me. I gazed around me at the empty apartment. I didn't have to work today or tomorrow. When I did have to go in to work, Jacob had asked Paul to drive me. I sighed, unsure of what to do with myself.
I already wanted Jacob to come home.
