Thank you so much to everyone who has been reading and reviewing! I hope you like day 17: Damaged.
Day 17: Damaged
When Penny's dad had told her that he wanted her to talk to someone with him, she had assumed that meant he would talk to someone, and that she would be there. She had expected a meeting or something, where her dad would talk and maybe the other grown-up would ask how she was or how school was and then it would be back to grown-up talk.
She'd heard him and Pepper talking softly in the kitchen that morning, using words she couldn't quite make out, although she was able to catch a few.
Trauma.
Damage.
They were scary words, ones the eleven-year-old wanted nothing to do with. She didn't want to be damaged...didn't want her dad to see her as a problem...as someone who was broken.
The place that Penny's dad took her to a week after Christmas, after ice skating and Chinese food and movies had all happened, and after she and Thor had finished building her dads tower with LEGOs, was a small office building in a part of town she'd never been to. She sat in the back of his car, staring out the window at the strange buildings while Happy and her dad talked softly, mostly about Happy waiting with the car or driving around and maybe how they'd get lunch later.
It was a Saturday and school was starting up again that Thursday after New Years, which meant she and Ned could have a sleepover at his place on Monday. They had been texting each other about it all week.
Her dad pulled into the parking lot, and Happy opened her door for her, letting her hop out of the back seat. The man had been pretty quiet, but he smiled at her as she took her dads offered hand, trotting along behind him.
"So we're going to Doctor Hudson, but if you don't walk to talk about something you don't have to." He told her as they headed up the stairs into the building.
"Why does she want to talk to me?" Penny asked, skeptical. Grown-ups didn't usually want to talk to her unless they were her dad's friends, which was fine with her. The Avengers were nice and everything, but most adults were boring.
"It's her job. She's a therapist." Penny frowned. She sort of knew that word, but not in any real sense.
"Why do you want to talk to her?" They stepped inside the building and into a waiting room at the doctor's office. There were brightly colored magazines and books and a few toys in a box on the ground. "Am I sick?" She asked with a sinking feeling in her stomach, looking up at him with wide, scared eyes, and immediately he shook his head.
"No, baby. You aren't sick. Sometimes people talk to therapists when something bad happens or…". He trailed off, squeezing her hand and leading her over to the front desk where a smiling woman waited. "I talk to a therapist. He's really nice. And it's nice to be able to talk to someone. I thought maybe you'd like it."
"Okay." She whispered, head down as her dad signed them in just like when they went to a regular doctor. Then he led her over to a chair in the empty waiting room, her curling up in the seat beside him.
"Do you want to read a magazine?" He asked, wrapping an arm around her. She huddled against his side, shaking her head. "You don't have to be nervous, baby. She's nice. I promise. And if you don't like talking to her, we can go get some lunch and go home. I promise." She looked up at him then, lips pressed together, then nodded. He kissed her forehead, smiling. "You're my brave girl, you know that?" He pushed some of her hair behind her ear. "But it's okay to be scared. I know this isn't something we've done before. I won't leave you though. Not unless you want me to."
He never lied to her. So she sat. And waited. And when the woman called her dad's name, she hopes up beside him, following along like a puppy. It struck her for a second that she would follow her dad anywhere.
The thought would strike her again, years later, as she would hold tight to the outside of a spaceship, wondering if she'd ever make it back to earth, but knowing that being with her father was more important.
She followed her dad into the back where a tall woman with dark skin and a kind smile waited, holding out a hand. "Mr. Stark. It's very nice to meet you."
"And you as well, Dr. Hudson. You can just call me Tony."
"And you must be Penelope." She held out a hand to Penny who took it, manners overriding shyness.
"It's nice to meet you."
"Why don't you both follow me." She suggested, leading them into a room the color of the sky in the morning, all bright blue with clouds on the ceiling, and a long sofa against one wall. In front of the sofa was a coffee table with paper and crayons for little kids. Her dad sat down on the sofa and she sat beside him, the doctor taking a seat across from them in a rolling chair.
"So, Penelope. Would you prefer to be called Penelope or Penny?" Surprised that the woman was already only talking to her, she fought the urge to look over at her dad. She could talk to the doctor by herself.
"Penny."
"Alright, Penny. My name is Amanda. Do you know what I do?"
"You're a therapist."
"That's right." The woman spoke softly, calmly, and it reminded her of her dad. She started to relax a little, breathing a little easier. "A therapist is just someone you can talk to. About whatever you want. Sometimes people like to talk about the things that make them sad or the things that worry them. And sometimes they can give people medicine to help them feel better." Penny nodded to show that she understood. "So. Let me tell you a little about myself. I live here in New York, but I loved from San Francisco a few years ago. I am married, and I have a dog. I like to watch movies and go jogging in the park." She paused. "What about you?"
"Um...we live in New York. I'm in 6th grade...and...I like to build LEGOs with my friend and help my dad in his lab."
"That sounds like fun. What do you do in the lab?"
"I watch him builds things like his suits."
"That sounds very interesting. Have you always lived with your dad?"
It was a common question, one she'd answered offhandedly a thousand times. But this time, she felt her heart rate speed up. So she just shook her head. "When did you move in with your dad?"
"When I was six." She whispered. Almost six whole years ago...practically her whole life it felt like. But there had been a life before him. A life with her mom, who she barely remembered anymore.
The therapist didn't dwell on that. Instead, she went back to school and Ned. LEGOs. Whether or not Penny got along with the Avengers. If she had fun with them. And since her dad was there, Penny had no trouble talking.
The sessions continued every week for a while, and then, after a month, her dad suggested he wait in the waiting room. "You can call if you need me. I promise." He told her softly, sitting beside her in the room.
"Okay." She told him with a shrug, not too worried. She was eleven now...she could be away from her dad to talk to a doctor, especially since she knew this doctor. So when the time came, she followed the woman into the room and sat down, well aware of her father's absence but coping fine.
"So, your dad mentioned that you had a nanny when you first came to live with him." Amanda started, sitting back in her chair. Penny was curled up on the sofa against a pillow, comfortable and cozy. But she didn't like thinking about that woman...the one who'd been there when she'd first arrived.
"Yeah."
"Do you know how long she worked for your father?" Penny shook her head. It had seemed like that woman had been in charge of her for weeks, but she wasn't sure how accurate that was. She'd been little and every day had lasted forever. "Did you like her?" Penny shook her head again. "What was she like?"
"She...she wanted me to be quiet and out of the way."
"I see. That must have been difficult. You were little...and you were probably used to having more attention." Penny shrugged. She didn't want to talk about the old nanny or her first few days or weeks with her father.
The subject of her room came up a few weeks later. Penny hadn't told anyone that she was in therapy...not Ned or any of the Avengers. Mostly the questions were nice and easy and Penny was happy to talk to her. It was almost fun to talk to a grownup that talked to her like she was a grownup too. So when Amanda asked about her room one day, she didn't see any harm in telling her that she made sure her room was neat.
"Why is that so important to you?" Penny frowned, not sure what kind of question that was. Ned's mom always got mad when his room was dirty.
"I don't want to make dad mad." Amanda furrowed her brows.
"Does he get angry with you when your room isn't clean?" Penny shook her head.
"No...I mean...it's always clean."
"What if it weren't?"
"It...it always is. I make sure my room stays clean."
"Why is that so important?"
"It just is." Penny snapped, glaring down at her lap, eyes suddenly hot.
The admission came not too much later. "I'm afraid of making him mad." The therapist nodded.
"It must be very difficult to worry so much about making your father mad. What happens when he gets mad?"
Penny sniffed, hating herself for crying. She was eleven. There was nothing to cry about! "He doesn't get mad at me. Not really."
"Okay. That's good. What do you think would happen if he got mad?" She shrugged. "Let me ask a different question. What are you afraid would happen if he got mad?"
"I'm…". Penny swallowed hard, her voice a whisper. "I'm afraid he won't want me anymore."
There was a short silence. Then Amanda leaned in. "Have you ever been angry with your father? When he wouldn't let you do something?" She shrugged.
"Kind of."
"When you were angry, did you ever think that you didn't want him to be your dad anymore?" Her eyes shot open, head snapping up.
"No!"
"Why not?"
"Because...he's my dad! I love him!" She thought about time spent with her dad...of working in his lab and watching movies and dancing in the kitchen. She remembered waking up in a hospital room with him at her side when she'd fallen and hit her dead. She remembered the first time he hugged her and the first time he swung her up in his arms and put her on his shoulders.
Years later on a dead planet so far away, she would remember these same things as her body turned to dust, her eyes locked on his, tears running down both of their cheeks.
"Penny, do you think your dad feels the same about you?"
And with a tear finally escaping, she nodded, staring at her lap, hands clasped in her lap. Of course, he loved her.
Her dad came into the room then, sitting on the sofa beside her and gathering her into his arms. "I love you, Daddy." She whispered, arms clasping his neck. He held her just as tight.
"I love you so much, baby. You're the best thing I ever did."
And years later, as his daughter disintegrated in his arms, those same words would get caught in his throat, and she would drift away without hearing them.
But she would still know them.
Thank you for reading! :)
