Title: Questioning Fate
Author: Syrai
Rating: PG-13 for now anyway (for language. I am a fan of f-word)
Genre: Tries to be everything, probably ends up with bad humor and lots of drama
Pairings: Kate/John/New character triangle
Status: WIP
Summary: Judgment Day never came. Sure, John Connor did get into a little accident and sure he did end up being locked up into a cage by Kate Brewster and yes, sure the big bad T-X showed up and ruined the day. Kate never lost his father only his (sorry for me saying) cute but dull fiancé – John and Kate were in time to stop it all from happening and killed the T-X. Ah yes, happy scenario - Kate ended up falling for John (yes the bad boy act still works) but what they don't know is that the worse is yet to come. So this is from where the story goes on, two years after they met - from year 2006.
A/N # 1: For the stupid little hobbit. May she always be as stupid… as she always has… and so on. (that's what I call a dedication, yeah baby) Anyway. Things are getting complicated. Mwuahahahahahhahah. We needed some Robin/John drama anyway.
Review and you'll get me writing faster. Thankies.
11
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Looking back now, I've come to the conclusion that I must be fucking insane to even try and do this. It's ok, I've always known I'm bit off in the head, but still… I wish someone had told me all this before I even attempted to go with this idiotic little quest of mine. It would've saved me from a lot of trouble and angst. I thought I could keep it all together, I honestly did, but then again, when have I ever been right? That's me being sarcastic. Cynical. Things suck.
I thought I could work it out. Ok, only now it seems I can't and that pisses me off. Things are not going the way I planned them to… not that I would've even had a single plan with what to begin this stupid adventure, but if I had had a plan, this would not have been it. Far from it. My plan would've been something that would've followed the whole 'not telling John anything' thing…
Why didn't I wait a little bit longer, I ask? Why didn't I wait till I knew for sure they weren't at Robert's anymore? If I had done that, I wouldn't have gotten into that stupid accident because the asshole wouldn't have driven like a maniac and pushed me off the road like he did. I've always known he's gonna be the death of me. I just never thought it could be taken so literally.
You know, things were so much simpler there, even in the middle of the war. I knew my place, every day. Sure it was painful to watch him lose hope like that; to watch how the world I used to live in got destroyed piece by piece and no matter how hard we tried, we really couldn't stop it. John changed the direction of the war before I came here, but who knows for how long? No one. That's why I came, right? Because I couldn't be sure and right now, I need to be. That's why I came. To end this.
Or maybe I'm just kidding myself. We all know I didn't come here to end this. I know we can never end this. The reason I'm here is to put things into the right tracks… at least I can give him information that will help him, you know? Information that will help him now, not after few years. Not after the death of our daughter.
Why the fuck do I go this same subject over and over again? It's not important anymore - why I'm here. I need to focus on what I'm gonna do and that's all.
… I must be one horrible mother, though. I did this all never considering the fact that my daughter might never be born now just because I fucked it up. Most likely she won't… I try to turn things around - maybe it's for the best? Who says she wouldn't die again? Sarah was right, wasn't she? Even she might not be born, but I didn't stop to think about that. I only wanted to save John from the pain. Or was it myself that I've been trying to save all along, huh?
Gods, it's all so fucking messed up. I miss him. Yes, I know he's right there, standing on the other side of the counter looking at me with questioning eyes and this unbearably sexy messy hair - which I shouldn't be thinking about! He's standing there, looking at me, but not seeing me… that's just it.. he's looking at me like I was some stranger who's come to mess up his life for no apparent reason and well, I guess I can't blame him for seeing it like that.
I never thought I'd miss the nights I woke up hearing him call out her name, but right at this moment, I do. At least then I could pretend he was mine.
"You and me, we had something going on, didn't we? I mean, in your future."
Shut up. I shake my head trying to reject the reaction his sharp words are causing inside my head. No, no. I can't let him know… I can't let him know the truth, because I can't handle him knowing. It'll only mess things up. Then the guilt hits its home. Guilt over the fact I actually do want to tell him… I swore I wouldn't. You do not mess up with the timeline. That's the decision I made when I came here to help him out… to sort their marriage out... I decided that I would not poke around the timeline unless I absolutely have to.
At the moment, I don't have to. I want to, but I don't have to.
"Don't fucking lie to me."
He sounds angry all the sudden, although just a minute ago he was mostly amused. I'm not sure what changed, but something did. The look in his eyes is dark and his face… he looks so angry. Any minute now and he'll jump over the damn thing and strangle me. Smash my head against the counter and demand me to tell he what's going. Ok, fine, John Connor would never go violent on a woman, but the question is, am I woman to him at the moment? Or am I just an enemy? Someone he hardly knows?
The fact I can't answer that question scares the living shit out of me.
And so, to keep my thoughts hidden from him, I choose to glare at him. Since I've come here, it's been the only thing I've done, hasn't it? I pout, glare, worry and glare some more. Only this time it's hard to keep the glare focused, hard to keep the cold look up. It's hard, because what I'm feeling inside is a far cry from cold…
"I'm not lying," I say trying to stop my voice from trembling. Shit, I've been trained for heaven's sake. I've been trained to deal with all kind of crap and this is the moment I go all weak on the knees? I'm lying to him, obviously and it seems he knows that, because the minute I say the words, he steps around the corner of the counter coming next to me. Gods, he's so close… too close. I swear my knees are buckling.
"I can tell you're lying. I don't know how or why, but I can."
Weird thing is, he's confused. Yeah he is. Confused by the fact he can tell it so clearly that I'm lying without knowing really why. He's always been good at that, only he doesn't know it yet. Be it me or his kids, someone from the Resistance or whoever, he's always smelled lies. It's a gift. I suppose this is when he received it?
"Tell me!" With that said, he grabs my arm forcing me to put the ice cream down. Fine. Have it your way then, asshole. Not that you'd know anything about the rules you made… about the rules you will make.
"So what if I am?"
I tense up and gasp for air … he probably thinks it's because of the way he's treating me, but it's not… I just realized something.
John? Did you make those rules because of me? Because of this? Oh god. Is this the reason you never told me anything?
"What does it matter?" I don't know what more to say, because right now, my mind is not on the issue here, but on something else… It's another possibility I never considered. Am I only repeating history? My own history and his future?
Am I doing what Fate expected me to?
"Tell me," he commands yet again with even stronger voice, "tell me if you and I were together."
Jesus Christ, why is it so important to him? What the fuck does it matter anyway? It doesn't change anything or if it does, it only makes everything more complicated. More conflicted. Nothing good can come out of this conversation and I know he knows that. But he doesn't care, does he?
The same old Connor.
"Yes," I speak through gritted teeth before my brain can stop me from doing it. Let go of me, damnit, you're fucking hurting me! I try to push him further away, but nothing happens - his fingers stay locked around my arm. "Yes, we were together. Happy now?" I spit holding in the tears. He doesn't say anything, not a word. Just watches me with this unreadable look on his eyes. I have no clue whatsoever what's going on in his mind, cause as always, John Connor keeps it all to himself.
"What do you want from me?" I ask after a silent moment, swallowing the painful burden in my throat.
"The truth, York, that's all," he says and unexpectedly, releases me. Like in auto-pilot, I step backwards to keep the distance between us. I need that damned distance. I need to breathe. Fuck. Just fuck! This wasn't supposed to happen.
"Why are you here?"
Haven't we been through this already? Out of all the issues we have on our hands, this is the one I though we covered up. Can't you see I'm not here to mess up your marriage? Can't you see I'm trying to protect it? Can't you see I'm doing it all for you? How can you ask me that, John?
"To help you and Kate," I answer truthfully, hoping he'll believe. He's leaning against the counter with one hand, the other raking through his hair... He sighs and my eyes meet the floor. I can't look into his eyes anymore. I can't face the coldness, the doubts, the questions.
"Why do we need help?" Alright, so that's a fair question to ask, I suppose. It's not that I'd doubt your abilities to stay alive, Connor. It's everything else I doubt. "We survived in your future. What makes you think we won't do it again? You're screwing up with time."
Yes, yes, I am. I think we've established that fact already, don't you? Many, many times. Even Sarah made it perfectly clear when we fought earlier. To think of it, she made it perfectly clear even when I left, didn't she? I fucked up with the timeline, yes, deal with that. Kinda like what I'm doing, you know? Dealing.
As if you had never changed history. You've sent your men back to the past, they've changed stuff. Little, insignificant details. Well, let me ask you; who decides what are insignificant details and what are not? Who says it wasn't you and your stupid soldiers who fucked up with the timeline and I'm only correcting things by cleaning up your mess? To save the future and all. Yeah, you think about that for a while, you arrogant prick.
Maybe that's what I should say. But I don't, because I do value my life. "No, you didn't," I state angrily. All the things I've wanted to tell him since I came, they're slipping out with me having no control over anything. It's annoying, but yet… refreshing. "She died. You lost hope. I fucking hated that and that's that."
He doesn't look angry anymore, or confused. Just curious. He's tilted his head to one side and the hand with what he just raked through his hair is massaging his neck. How can he look so calm all the sudden? Isn't he bothered by what I'm saying? "So you went against orders and came here?"
Look who's stating the obvious. "Yeah. Basically."
"Why?"
There's that fucking question again. Why? WHY? Now it's my turn to get angry. Really, really angry. It feels like I'm talking to a wall. Has he not heard any of the words I said? "I just told you why! Listen to what I'm saying, you idiot."
She thinks I didn't wake up when she got up from the bed, but I did. It's one of those little treats you learn while living in the middle of a freakin' war zone. I woke up the minute she moved but it's the little soldier within me that kicked in. I couldn't move, my body wouldn't let me. I guess it's because at first I couldn't remember where I was. All I could think was that the machines have found us and that I need to stay calm. That's the only way you stay alive - you stay calm and you calculate. You go through different possibilities and pick the best one. It only took me a few minutes to realize what was going on and though I could've gone back to sleep, I didn't. The dreams I saw weren't that pleasant anyway.
And so I followed her. Ok, technically, I followed dad who followed her, but it's all the same to me. She didn't notice him, he didn't notice me and so on. It's not the first time I've spied on them. I'm actually pretty good at that. They fought a lot, I mean dad and Robin, in our time. Our room, mine and Reese's, was next to theirs so I often heard them even though they thought they were talking quietly.
They were. But when you have your ear pressed against the wall, you hear a lot more than they want you to.
I still don't know what the fights were about though. All those heated arguments and I still honestly don't know. All I know is that when they fought, they threw some pretty nasty insults towards each other but the next day they always seemed to be forgotten. Guess they were cleaning air with all those insults or whatever. I don't know, but it often felt like the fights were caused by my mother somehow. She didn't even need to be alive to be in the middle of them… and now… she is.
Only this time it's Robin between them, isn't it? And they don't even know it yet.
How am I supposed to react to that? I love my mother, but I love Robin too. She's been there all my life, taking care of me when mom died. She practically raised me. Well. I shouldn't think about that… it's not said that I'll be born in this time, after all. It kinda sucks, but hey, what can I do about it? I lived once. I don't know if I need another life anyway.
As said. I might be 10. Almost 11. But I ain't stupid.
I know few that are, though. I'm listening to two of them… Christ, just listen to them! Idiots. I can come up with at least dozens of things to do and none of them involve fighting - well, unless it's a machine you're fighting. Kicking some machine butt, that's what my plan is. But my plans usually don't follow theirs… Not my fault they're stupid.
So Robin went and blurted the whole thing out. With that I mean she told dad about their… thing. To her defense though, dad was pretty much begging for it. It's something he was not supposed to find out, although, I don't think it even mattered anymore. Even if he did meet Robin of this time in the future, then so what? He'd know already.
You can't force Fate, huh?
I doubt that. Sometimes I think you truly can. We have a nice example right here - Robin's here, trying to force Fate to bend to her will and I'm here, trying to help her. Things have changed. We did this. Unless everything still stays the same… which would suck. I'd be born, but all of this would be meaningless. Worthless.
You know, me being the soldier I am, it's unbelievable I don't notice what's happening behind my shoulder. I'm sitting on the stairs, watching through the doorway how dad argues with Robin, completely oblivious to the fact there in reality, are others in this household too.
I come very aware of that little detail when I hear mom's - Kate's, that is, voice behind me.
"Aren't you supposed to be in bed?"
Oh… darn… I look up, swallowing, only to see Kate standing on the stairs wearing a robe to keep her warm. I think the robe is red, but it's hard to say in this darkness. What I can say though, is that this can't be good. I just know it can't.
Crap.
After I ask her the question, I see him… well no, I hear him, to be exact. There's lights in the kitchen and from this high, I can't actually see John, but I can very well hear his voice as he speaks. He sounds… restless. I can't hear the words, but I know it's him. For one, he wasn't in the bed next to be when I woke up so who else could it be?
"You shouldn't go there," Sarah says interrupting my thoughts never answering my original question. Umm, what? I frown. Did she tell me not to go there or did I hear wrong? Who does she think she is?
"They're talking with Robin." Robin? "It's… private."
I'd swear. I'd swear and curse and say a few bad words screaming out my frustration, but it's a child sitting on the stairs below me, so I bite the insides of my cheek trying to keep my tongue controlled. I do have some manners, after all.
"Excuse-me, but that's my husband there," I point out as if it changed something. It should, damnit, but I doubt it does.
She shrugs. "That's kinda why it's private. Trust me."
Trust you? I suppose laughing at her face would be a little bit too harsh. But seriously, trust her? "I'd like to… but I don't," I say, "I don't know you." It's the truth. I like this nosy little kid, I do, but I don't know her and as far as I can tell, she might be one of those we're supposed to be fighting against. It's not likely, but it could be. I don't know her motives, I don't know why she really is here. I can't trust her till I know, and I doubt she'll tell me. So it's not looking good, is it?
"I know. It's your loss."
Er, anyway. I'm not going to stand here through the whole night. I need to know what's going… because as much as I hate to admit it, my doubts are surfacing again. All the questions I had earlier, are coming back. The fact we just fought with John doesn't really help… I feel threatened. I'm not sure if it's by her or because of her or if it's me feeling miserable in general, but I do. Something's not right. "I'm gonna go now," I state before slowly continuing my way down, "Something's happening under this roof and I intend to find out what."
"You're not gonna like it."
I stop looking over my shoulder. "What, are they having an affair?"
She laughs at the sarcastic tone of my voice. Yes, she actually lets out a small laugh, which seems weird to me. Almost as if she knew me well enough to tell I'm only scared. Beneath all this, it's just fear. "You really wanna talk about that stuff with someone this young, huh? To answer the question, no, they're not. They're talking about war-stuff. You don't need to know all of that."
I don't, huh? Well maybe it's not about what I need. Maybe it's about what I want. And what I want is to stay on top of things, especially when they have something to do with either John or this damned future that has been put on our shoulders. "I don't care. I deserve to know."
"Yeah, didn't say that. All I said is that you ain't gonna like it."
Right. We'll see about that, then.
A/N: Lyrics: Simple plan with the song "Welcome to my life" It rocks.
