Author's Note: A long chapter! I hope it's enjoyable. Our young dwarflings are beginning to learn some of the ways of the world...Thank you so much for reading and all your kind reviews.
CHAPTER 12
"I'm fine, Fili, there's no—"
Dis's rough voice broke into a coughing fit, heavy and suffocating. Fili and Kili hovered worriedly by their mother. They knew better now. Better than when Uncle had been sick those years ago. This was dangerous and they stood at the mercy of winter's poor conditions. Food was sparse this year and the cold more bitter every day.
Yes, they were older than their last brush with grave illness. But not old enough to stand ready as caregivers. Certainly, they knew the possibilities and the basic tasks to aid healing. Still, what if they failed somewhere?
Uncle needed to be here.
He knew these things better. But he was travelling to a nearby town for a delivery from the forge, his trip doubling as a search for food. He'd been gone for a week. He should've been home a couple of days ago with Mr. Dwalin, but there had been no sign of his upcoming arrival.
"No, mum, lie down and rest. You're sick." Fili coaxed, gently pushing his mother back down to her mattress. She gave up and sunk into her pillow and blankets, coughing pathetically. Her condition had worsened overnight, hiking her sons' worry to an all-time high.
Uncle needed to be here.
"Kili, go make mum some hot tea." Fili whispered, sending his brother running down the hall.
"Is Thorin back yet?" Dis asked, her voice just a croak.
"No, not yet." Fili huffed, frustrated with the idea. He didn't want to admit that the fear was curling around his ribs in a tight embrace. Not only for his mother, but for his uncle as well. The outdoors were horrific at this point, snow piled up heavily in the freezing temperatures.
"Have you heard…?" she rasped, swallowing painfully.
"No, mum. I haven't heard anything about Uncle." Fili sighed sadly. Information was impossible to pass along these days anyhow. All the dwarves were holed up in their homes, hoping to wait the winter out in safety. Without communication, they were just sitting in the dark.
"Here's the tea." Kili balanced the cup carefully in his hands, approaching the bedside with a worried look. Hot water was always available during the day, snow boiling over the fire for a simple warm drink. But Dis needed the herbs the tea had to offer, to soothe her throat and minimize her misery. It was all the boys felt they could do to help her.
"Drink some, please." Fili whispered, helping her sit up enough for a few sips. When she'd managed a couple gulps, he gently guided her back down.
"Sleep, mum. We'll be fine." Kili hummed, caressing her face softly.
"But, Thorin—"
"We'll worry about Uncle." Fili hushed softly, not allowing her any room for concern. She needed to focus on getting better.
"Just get some rest, mum. We'll let you know if we hear any news, okay?" Kili offered, brushing back some strands of her hair. He'd always been the better caregiver. Fili didn't mind, since he was grateful his brother could step in when he could not. He knew that Kili could sense his panic. With their budding adolescence came the fright of understanding stressful situations. Fili, being the oldest, had taken the largest portion of the worry, frantically looking for solutions in his jumbled mind.
Kili began to sing Uncle's song as their mother's eyes grew heavy. The melody calmed Fili's loud thoughts into a buzz as he reorganized his brain. He couldn't fall apart now. He had to be strong, just like Uncle would be in this situation. He had to be strong.
The silence broke him from his thoughts, pushing him back to reality. Kili had managed to slide mum into a fit of restful sleep, part of Fili's worries dying with her slumber.
"She's very sick." Kili sighed, pulling the blankets higher towards her chin. "What do we do now, brother?" His question was quiet, his trust full and true in his sibling.
"I need to find Uncle." Fili's voice was low and serious, unfitting for his lingering youth.
Kili's eyes widened, shocked by the mere suggestion.
"What are you thinking, Fili? It's bad out there! Are you crazy?"
"Kili, we can't give mom hot tea forever. And Uncle has to know! You know he would want to be here."
"But he should've already been here by now! Whatever's slowed him down isn't just going to go away overnight."
Fili was quiet for a moment.
"Look, Kili…I know what path Uncle went. He showed us where he was going, remember?"
"But we've never been outside of town." Kili grumbled.
"No, but uncle's taught us how to read maps. I know what to look for and where to go. I'll find him and bring him back or send a message somehow. You know mum will only make herself worse worrying over Uncle." Fili explained, frowning. "You can stay here and take care of mum and I'll come back as fast as I can."
Kili chewed his lip, thinking carefully as he stared his brother down.
"Alright…but I still don't think it's a good idea." Kili folded his arms, narrowing his eyes at Fili.
"I never said it was a good one, but it's an idea. Better than any other options we have."
Kili rolled his eyes with a slouch.
"Okay…okay, fine." He tried to hold back a pout, but bits of it leaked out over his features. There was no arguing with Fili in this state and, honestly, what else could they do? Uncle Thorin knew how to remedy illness better than them; it was their best chance for saving mum from poor health.
Fili stood up to pack a few things, but was stopped with a tight grip around his wrist. He looked at Kili, seeing an unfamiliar fire in his brother's eyes. Kili stood and quickly pressed his forehead against Fili's.
"You better come back." Kili muttered, breathing deeply.
"Always, brother. Always." Fili replied with a light smile.
Fili trudged through the snow, taking high steps as he attempted to climb over the thick layer of white. A chill bit at his bones as the wind nipped angrily at his cheeks. He'd bundled himself as much as he could, but it was so cold that it hardly seemed to be doing any help.
Saying goodbye to Kili had been bitter and strange. They'd never been so far apart before and it was almost painful to know he was leaving Kili behind. But it had to be done. They needed Uncle and mum needed someone there for her.
He'd only passed through the edge of the settlement minutes ago, but it seemed like it'd been hours since he was back in his warm home. Part of him blamed Uncle for being gone so long. The other part beat his blaming half down, replacing his criticism with shame. Uncle would never do this on purpose. If he had the choice, Fili knew that he wouldn't have left at all. But circumstances had pushed their settlement into desperation, and desperation drove Uncle into hyper drive as king. He would always serve his people, even if it was easier not to.
A shiver snaked up Fili's spine. He hoped Uncle wasn't far. Not in this weather. After all, he only had some bread and a bit of cheese. Fili wasn't sure how long that would last him.
Fili looked the weather in the eye, glaring it down as he pushed forward. This wasn't going to beat him. He wasn't going to give up that easily.
He'd find Uncle.
Thorin huffed as he and Dwalin hiked through the snow. They'd been days at this, their legs wading through the flakes of ice as cold water seeped into their clothes. It was miserable; their limbs were numb. He and Dwalin carried heavy packs of food on their backs, trying to provide a little extra for the less fortunate folk of the settlement.
They were finally within reach of the settlement. At their current pace, home would come by nightfall. After such a trip, warmth and family would be pure bliss.
He and Dwalin had stopped talking long ago, the bite of the cold digging into their lungs and throats to produce mere shadows where their voice had been. Every now and then they would communicate through their looks and glances. One thing was sure: they were certain their furs were the only things keeping them alive enough to go on.
The flakes had begun to fall again, growing fat with every minute. Evening was brushing through the sky, painting the world in light purples and blues. Visibility was minimal, dampening their moods.
Thorin blinked against the assault of snow, trying to stare out into the distance. Something caught his eye, forcing him to blink harder and strain his gaze.
No, it was really there, a moving smudge of black in the snow. A person. A dwarf. A small dwarf.
He turned and looked at Dwalin, searching for a confirmation. Thorin got a curt nod in response.
His eyes returned to their forward post, spotting the figure as it stumbled along. An eerie yell echoed through the air, unclear and raw. There was silence for a moment. When it came again, Thorin focused on the noise, listening with everything he could.
"Uncle!"
It was faint and barely there, but shockingly familiar.
Thorin knew exactly who tripped and faltered before them.
With a surge of panic, he began to run as fast as the heavy snow would allow, kicking away the excess white as he plowed through the never ending stack of walls. Fili shouldn't be out here. Mahal, no one should be out here, let alone a young dwarfling. His breathing grew quick and weighty, the cold air grinding in his lungs as it scratched its way out.
"Fili!" he yelled, ignoring the raw pain that whistled with his voice. No matter how fast he went, Fili just wasn't getting close enough. It seemed to take ages.
"Uncle!"
The yell was much clearer now as he approached, frightened and alone. Fili was by himself. Thorin pushed himself harder. His muscles burned with an acidic touch, angry and festering.
"Fili!" he shouted, the sound ripping all the way up his throat as it fought its way outside.
"Uncle!" This time, Fili's voice was much more thrilled, almost chasing away the tired bite of cold. His gaze was clinging to Thorin, as he pushed himself along. He was so close, almost touchable.
And, then, suddenly Thorin's hands were on Fili's shoulder's.
The dwarfling was shivering, his teeth rattling in his skull.
"Fili, what are you doing out here?" Thorin rasped, his concern overcoming his attention to pain.
"Mum is sick, Uncle." Fili explained, coughing against the freeze. "She's very sick and we didn't know where you were."
Thorin immediately pulled Fili close, trying to wrap any warmth he could offer around his nephew.
"I'm here, Fili. I'm right here." he replied, taking note of the angry chill that seemed to weave through Fili easily. He pulled off his furs, carefully pulling them around his nephew. Fili melted against him, having lost any remaining strength.
Thorin had to get home. He turned back to look at Dwalin who was waving him off from a distance, having already realized what was happening. His hand shooed him away, giving Thorin permission to leave Dwalin behind. Thorin hesitated, unsure how to truly justify leaving one of his good friends in the cold and dark.
"Go!" Dwalin shouted, his own voice grating and rough. "Get that lad home!"
With the final word, Thorin picked Fili up in his arms, hugging him against his chest. Without his furs, it was much colder, the wind sinking deeper into his flesh. Thorin looked out over the open snow, wondering how fast he could go with Fili's extra weight.
"We'll get you home, Fili." Thorin croaked, wincing at the burn that reverberated through his throat and lungs. Fili merely shivered against his uncle, burrowing deeper into the little warmth he could find.
Thorin steeled himself for the oncoming battle of strength, embracing Fili closer to give him the small bit of body heat he could offer. The first step was the hardest, but the more he pushed the easier it became. He had to take care of his family. They were all he had left and they needed him right now.
He couldn't give up, they needed him.
His knees creaked against the biting flakes of snow as he furthered his strides and maximized his speed. It was freezing, but his thoughts led him elsewhere. In his mind, he was with his sick sister and Kili. In his mind, he was getting Fili to warmth and to safety.
He was a hardy dwarf, he would make it just fine.
But it became less of a statement than a question as Thorin stumbled into the settlement. He was getting tired and weak, the winter and extra weight taking its toll on his body. He had to fight his own feet to get them to move forward. He could see the light from the windows at home; he knew he was close. But the distance seemed to get longer and longer as his body moved slower and slower. He was overtaxed.
But he had to get home.
"Almost there, Fili." he huffed gruffly, fighting with everything he had to get to the house. The front door was nearly in reach now and his legs had turned to lead. He pushed anyway, even though he was sure there was absolutely nothing left to keep him going. Thorin gripped the cold doorknob in his hand, twisting slowly as he gave one last shove.
Thorin stepped inside, his lungs clawing angrily for air as his muscles buzzed with agony. The warmth licked painfully at his icy flesh, burning in contrast from the unhealthy chill outside.
"Uncle!"
Thorin only huffed for air as Kili approached him with quiet pads against the wood floor.
"Hello…Kili…" Thorin panted, teetering a little where he stood. "Could you…close the door, please?" His voice was nearly gone, whisked away by the cold.
Kili was quick to obey, shutting out the blizzard and the hate of winter.
"Is Fili alright?" Kili asked frantically. "I told him not to go, but he just wouldn't listen and, and, and…I just knew this would happen!"
"He's fine, Kili." Thorin sighed, willing his body to move forward, despite threats of shutting down altogether. "He just needs a warm bed and some rest."
Kili lead his uncle down the hall to their bedroom, opening the door as Thorin carried Fili inside. As gently as possible, Thorin laid Fili in his bed, furs and all, and draped a heavy blanket over him. The boys had gotten separate beds, but sometimes Kili still ended up on the same mattress.
"He's so cold, Uncle." Kili mourned, pulling his own blanket from his bed and up over his brother.
Thorin didn't answer, still too busy trying to pull himself together. As the rush of necessity was dying within him, the damage was becoming all too clear. Everything burned and ached, his body screaming in weariness and pain. But it was not time to rest.
"How is your mother?" Thorin whispered, his voice nearly gone altogether.
"She's sick, Uncle. I don't know what else to do." Kili mumbled, tears pooling in his eyes.
Thorin suppressed a small cough, swallowing it back down as he gathered any last reserves of strength. He pulled Kili close and bent over to kiss the top of his head.
"It's alright, Kili. I'm here now."
Kili released quiet sobs into Thorin's tunic, the fear and concern mixing miserably. He looked up at his uncle, sniffling as he searched for what to do in Thorin's face.
"Stay here with Fili. Make sure he's warm. I'll be back later." Thorin instructed, trying to use the least amount of words possible. Even a whisper scratched angrily out of him.
Kili obediently stayed behind as Thorin left to check on his sister. Her door was slightly ajar, the flicker of a candle lighting the room. Quietly, he pushed the door open, looking in on her slumbering figure.
She was pale, a hiss of illness escaping with every breath. He took a few steps to her bedside, his hand ghosting over her forehead. He didn't want to wake her by touching, but he needed to check on her temperature. There was a little warmth radiating off her skin, showing signs of a fever. Yes, she was very sick. But there wasn't much to be done now while she slept.
Thorin trudged from the room, feeling bogged down by the vicious winter. This year it bit harder and more vicious than he ever remembered. It was no wonder his nephews were in a panic. His body whined for rest, but there was no time for that. After his stunt, Fili required some care of his own. He needed something to chase the chill from his bones.
Thorin shuffled to the kitchen, mentally listing the necessary ingredients for a decent soup. He numbly moved, collecting whatever he could find. Thorin even braved the freezing winds outdoors to get a little meat from the storehouse. His lungs were not happy with the reintroduction to the raw cold, but they didn't have much of a choice.
Once everything had been compiled and left simmering over the fire, Thorin took a moment to collapse into a chair, watching the flames with blinded interest. A seat had never been so comfortable in his life and a fire never so welcome. His clothes were still wet from the snow, eager to taste the heat of the fire. Anything to get them dry and warm again.
He listened to the sound of bubbling liquid as he allowed his body to recuperate just a little. His breathing sounded like dead leaves brushing together: rough and crackly. Thorin's muscles had been stretched and pulled to such a degree that moving wasn't without pain. He coughed a little, letting the warmth burn through his skin. His chest was tight and struggling, but there was work to be done.
Thorin pulled himself up to check on the soup. The ache was only getting worse the more he settled. Winter offered little mercy this year, especially to those who attempted to challenge it fearlessly. He vaguely wondered how Dwalin was fairing.
When the soup was deemed finished, Thorin spooned it into a couple of bowls, carefully carrying them to his nephews' room. Kili's eyes were the first to find him as soon as he was over the threshold.
"He's awake, Uncle. He says he's just cold." he explained with the strain of worry in his voice.
"Perhaps this will help." Thorin whispered, handing a bowl to Kili as he set Fili's portion on the bedside table. Fili blinked up at him with sleepy eyes, probably having just woken up. Thorin helped him sit up, attempting to shake away the dizziness that started to drift over him.
"It's hot." Thorin muttered, carefully placing the bowl of soup into Fili's hands. Lightheadedness curled into Thorin's skull, growing in size as fatigue nurtured its growth spurt.
"Are you alright, Uncle?" Kili asked, his spoon paused halfway to his mouth. His eyes were narrowed in suspicion, carefully watching Thorin. Thorin nodded faintly, but took a seat beside Kili on the bed. Fili had stopped eating to watch his uncle warily. Something was definitely off. The older dwarf was swaying dangerously with a slack look on his face.
"Are you sure?" Fili seconded, prodding for a better response. His voice was still a little scratchy from icy oxygen, but his concern for his uncle was evident.
"Just a…bad winter." Thorin huffed, a wispy rasp all that remained. Fili and Kili frowned, Fili more so than his brother. Fili hadn't realized until now that Uncle was exhausted and cold. Fili was worn out after a fraction of a day in the wind and snow. Thorin had been pushing against the weather for a few days now, only resting under whatever cover they could find. Not to mention, his clothes were still damp, some places dripping with melted snow. Fili was nearly ashamed for not noticing sooner.
Fili exchanged looks with Kili, silently communicating his concern and speculations. Of course, Kili understood immediately, having practiced similar conversations with Fili since he was very young. It had clicked immediately between the brothers. Silent talking had never been difficult between them.
"How's mum?" Kili asked innocently, trying to test the waters.
"She…is very sick. We need to be sure to attend to her properly." Thorin huffed, coughing into his shoulder. Kili and Fili had another soundless exchange.
"And what things should we do?" Kili asked, poking further. Thorin rubbed at his face, trying to massage the chill from his cheeks.
"Rest, tea, soup…and try to tend to her fever." Thorin explained. Fili winced at the way his uncle's voice was merely a strained rush of air. He gave Kili another look. Kili nodded, understanding his meaning immediately.
"Uncle, perhaps you should get some rest. Mum's fine for now and you've had a long week." Kili suggested, smiling simply. Thorin looked at him, eyes narrowing. "And if mum wakes, we'll take care of her and wake you up if we need to."
Thorin continued to stare, wondering what was happening. It became clear the longer he looked at them. They were worried.
He had hoped to protect them from such a feeling for as long as he could. Mahal knows Dis deserves a little reprieve from the idea. But the boys were maturing and getting older. They were starting to see the dangers and horrors of the world. He couldn't keep them in blissful ignorance for long. They were smarter than that. He knew they'd catch on sooner or later.
"I'm fine." he lied, setting a heavy hand on Kili's shoulder.
"No, you're not." Fili replied bravely. "You're not okay, Uncle. When we were younger, it was easy to fool us. But we're not so young anymore and we can tell when you're lying to us. You're about to fall over; you need rest."
Thorin held back a smirk. Fili would be a great king alright.
"Perhaps what I meant to say was that I'm fine enough." Thorin corrected, his gaze soft. Fili scowled. Kili looked skeptical. This was a losing battle.
"Uncle, you have never helped anyone until they were 'fine enough'. We were not taught to care until 'fine enough'. You need rest and you will rest until you are completely healthy. We're going to make sure of it." Fili admonished. The boy scolded like his mother: bravely, but with obvious compassion. "Go to bed. If there's something we can't handle, we'll wake you."
"We're here to help, Uncle." Kili added, smiling encouragingly. Thorin stared them down for a minute more, thinking it over seriously. While he always encouraged his nephews to take charge and learn through their own experiences, he still had a hard time letting them go. He wanted them to learn, not flounder. But, sometimes, they had to make their own way.
"Kili, make sure your brother eats his soup. All of it while it's still hot." Thorin instructed. "And don't wait until there are no other options. Wake me as soon as you need any help, understand?" Letting them go was harder than he thought.
The dwarflings grinned at their victory, nodding vigorously.
"Go, Uncle, go." Kili giggled, pushing his Uncle softly.
Thorin smiled, pulling himself wearily up from the mattress.
Perhaps a little sleep wouldn't hurt anything.
There was the soft flicker of a candle when awoke again. Outside, it was pitch black, covering the world in deep night. The house was quiet, momentarily void of the crushing chaos that writhed through the air.
Thorin blinked heavily, turning to his bedside. He knew Fili would be sitting there. Thorin had sensed the weave of guilt in his nephew's voice; Fili could never sit on his shame for too long. Thorin had been expecting a visit.
"Where's Kili?" Thorin whispered, sitting up to better address the dwarfling. Fili looked at him with heavy eyes, his pupils pooled with a mix of emotions.
"In bed." he croaked. "He's sleeping."
Thorin allowed a moment of silence as he properly appraised Fili. He looked tired still, but probably couldn't sleep. His nephew had that expression that read he longed to talk, but he feared to do so.
"What is it, Fili? You can tell me." Thorin assured, offering a small smile. Fili glanced up at him, then back at his kneading hands.
"I just wanted to say…I wanted to say that I was sorry for wandering outside like that. But I was scared and I didn't know if you were coming back. I guess…I guess I just wanted to find you. Because I didn't want to be alone." Fili mumbled, watching his hands with guilty interest.
"What do you mean, 'be alone'? Fili's here and so is your mother." Thorin's brow furrowed, curious as to what fear Fili was creating for himself.
"No, I mean…Whenever something bad happens, you always take care of it. You know what to do." Fili sighed. "When mom got sick…Kili kept asking me what we should do. It scared me that I had to make the decision like that without any help. It was hard…I was afraid I would make the wrong choice."
Thorin looked at the lit candle on his dresser. The flame danced gracefully on the wick, lonely and slow.
"That fear doesn't truly go away, Fili." Thorin whispered, shifting his gaze to his nephew. "All you can do is make the choice you think is right, but it doesn't mean that it is. Sometimes, there are no right choices."
Fili's shoulders seemed to drop lower. He had hoped Thorin would tell him it got easier, but part of him knew that it wouldn't.
"How do you do it, Uncle?" Fili asked, his small voice shuffling through the air.
Thorin took a deep breath, ignoring the grating that seemed to follow his lung's movement.
"You know, Fili. You just have to keep reminding yourself that it's better to make a decision than to ignore the choice." Thorin explained, thinking back through his life's history. "If you do not take action, it ensures failure. But, even if your decision was wrong, you took a chance to correct what needed correcting. You put forth the effort, even if it wasn't enough in the end. Yes, it's hard to take on all that responsibility. But, sometimes, it's better to take on the decision so that others don't have to. It's especially better when another isn't ready to accept that responsibility. Just like you weren't ready to make a decision for your mother's health."
Fili looked up at him, eyes filling with tears.
"I'm glad you came and found me. It's okay that you're not ready now. You shouldn't have to be at this age. I don't want you to have to face such a thing when you aren't yet prepared." Thorin's whisper was soft and comforting, pushing Fili's brow down in confusion.
"You aren't mad?" he asked, his voice nearly a squeak.
"Not even a little." Thorin replied with a smirk. "How could I be angry with you for such a thing?"
Fili watched his fingers weave between each other, stretching and pulling nervously.
"Because you had to carry me home…" Fili mumbled. His mind listed so many other things, like how he had pushed Thorin to run after his long travel in the snow and seemingly forced him to make soup in wet clothes. How Thorin had to put all his comforts aside to insure the wellbeing of others.
Honestly, Fili should've been in bed as it is; he was still reeling a bit from his trek in the outdoors. He thought it a wonder that Thorin could look so comfortable when he was probably twisted and stretched from his own battle with the winter chill.
"I couldn't be angry with you for that." Thorin confessed gently. "Your health is too important to me."
Fili smiled, grateful for the cool relief blossoming in his bosom. He had been so worried that his uncle would be disappointed in him. He'd thought that Thorin expected him to be a better leader than he had been instead of searching for help. It meant the world to Fili that his uncle hadn't even the slightest anger or disappointment. It meant everything to know that Thorin was still proud of the dwarf he was. He hadn't lost his good standing with his hero.
"Thank you, Uncle…I'm glad you're here." Fili mumbled, smiling delicately. Thorin's mouth mirrored Fili's, his warmth reaching through the air to his nephew.
"I am too, little one."
Fili's chest burned as his childhood flooded his mind. It had been a long time since Uncle had called him that. He wasn't so much of a child anymore. But the simple term of endearment reminded him that he wasn't alone. Uncle was right there, walking beside him when he needed a hand and standing in front when he needed protection.
"Go back to bed, Fili. Get some rest." Thorin prodded gently. Fili nodded, standing wearily from his chair. Rest did sound nice. He was starting to get rather sleepy.
As he headed out the door, he glanced back at Thorin, just to be sure he didn't disappear.
He smiled as his uncle smirked back at him.
"Goodnight, Uncle."
"Goodnight, dear Fili."
For the next several days, Thorin was banished to bed. The boys had demanded it and he didn't want to break their law. Kili often came in to gather proper notes for caretaking and Fili would bring him tea and soup. They weren't exactly soups of legend, but the boy was trying and that counted for something. Both dwarflings were determined to figure it all out themselves with only his advice for aid.
Thorin couldn't really complain. He liked watching them learn.
Balin had come to visit to see how he had fared. It had been a bittersweet surprise for him when Dwalin had come home, since the dwarf was half frozen, hoarse and tired. But at least he was safe. That was enough to push Balin's spirits high.
Balin was impressed with the dwarflings' milling about, doing this and that to care for their mother and uncle. He was even more impressed with Thorin's ability to let them. Thorin usually helped so his nephews wouldn't yet taste failure. But they were doing alright. Dis was getting better every day. The boys had reported her condition daily, but Thorin never told them he snuck out of his room during the nights to see his sister. She was always sleeping, but her condition was much better.
Kili popped into Thorin's room one night before the dwarflings went to bed. He sat in the chair as usual and Thorin expected another stream of questions. But they didn't come. Nothing really came as they sat in silence for a moment. Thorin watched his nephew carefully. Kili was beginning to sober up to life's dangers. His eyes were darker than Thorin remembered and his silence wasn't nearly as bright as it used to be. Maturity was settling in and some of the confident child flittered away. Yes, he was much like the dwarf he had always been, but tarnished somehow. He was now witness to the dark underbelly of life, where mothers get sick and brothers run out into the murdering winter.
Thorin knew this wasn't going to be an interrogation on the right way to care for the sick and weary. It was going to be something he wished would never come for Kili. Not a chat, but a discussion of a somber degree. However, Kili did not forget his manners.
"How are you feeling, Uncle?" he asked, his lips stretching in a false smile.
"Much better, thank you." he replied. His voice was nearly back to normal, only small pebbles of gravel left in the tone. "How are you?"
Kili was silent for a moment, staring bravely at the wall behind his uncle.
"Angry." Kili said, his eyes shifting to his uncle's darkly. Thorin recognized his expression. It was one for protection, one that read his property was mistreated.
"Why's that, young Kili?"
Kili huffed as his eyes flew up to the ceiling. He was still confident and brave, but had directed those traits to a completely different portion of his maturing personality.
"It's not fair." he sighed. "It's not fair that we have to suffer through winters like this. It's not fair that mum has to get sick after all we've done and you have to hike out to some distant town no matter how much help you've given as it is. I used to always believe it would all turn out right in the end. But—" Kili paused, shaking his head. "But it doesn't. Not always. The mineshaft that collapsed those years ago…dwarves died." His voice was nearly a whisper as his mind returned to the older times. "I've seen the children of those dwarves still mourning their loss."
Thorin merely listened, not wanting to interrupt his nephew.
"I know that you got very sick like mum, but I don't remember much about it. Fili's told me it was one of the most frightening sights he's ever seen, seeing you that way. I didn't understand. I didn't know what he meant by it. But when I saw mum, coughing like that and breathing like that…then I knew what he was talking about."
The silence fell again, buzzing in the air. Kili took a heavy breath, wiping at the moisture collected in his eyes.
"And I was scared when Fili left me. I was alone. There was nobody to tell me if it really was going to be okay. I didn't know how to help mum and I didn't know if either one of you were going to come back. How can I still believe it will be alright in the end when I know it might not be?" Kili clenched his hands to fists, as if he was trying to fight the darkness that he was beginning to see. Thorin sighed, watching his nephew with sorrow.
"I had hoped I would never hear that from you." Thorin confessed, saddened by the mere idea. "You have always seen the best of things, Kili. Fili doesn't know them as well as you do because he's had such terrible experiences since he was very young. But you've always seen the light, no matter how bad the circumstances were." Kili peered up at him beneath his dark eyelashes. "Kili, seeing the worst of things now doesn't mean the best is gone. You know how to see the best, I know that about you. But you shouldn't be afraid of the darker things. Understanding that horrid side of a situation should only encourage you to find a way around it. To see the dangers should push you to fight it. Giving in will ensure its success. You have to believe that you can beat it and fight hard for the victory, just as you have with your mother's illness. Because of your diligence, she's getting better. Just because there's evil out in the world doesn't mean it will always prevail."
Kili's head raised a little higher, something akin to pride shining in his eyes.
"You said you were angry because we've been so mistreated by what you fear." Thorin continued. "Hold onto that anger when it is needed. Use it to fight against what has harmed us. Do not fear it, face it. Just be sure not to cling to that anger. Too much will harm a dwarf. Too much drives us to misery and blindness. Remember that, Kili."
Kili's eyes were full of fire as he stared back at his uncle. He'd found his bravery with his anger, a silent pact swirling in his eyes to protect and fight.
"I will, Uncle." he replied, his voice unwavering and calm. "You're right, I shouldn't be so afraid. But I won't let my anger get the best of me."
Thorin smiled at his newfound passion.
"I trust that you will."
His nephews were growing to be great dwarves. And they would only grow greater.
